Disclaimer: I am not Jo Rowling. I thank her profusely for allowing me to play with her work, but that is all this is.

And now that that's done, I invite you to enjoy!

*****

Remus sat in the hospital wing with Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood and Tonks, all grouped around a bed at the end of the ward. In it lay Bill Weasley, badly mauled by Fenrir Greyback. No one knew if he would recover.

Remus cursed silently and fluently, all those words he had learned from Sirius and James all those years ago, all those words he had never used that seemed to apply so aptly now. He felt guilty, as if he himself had somehow done this to Bill. His friend had been attacked by a werewolf – the same one that had attacked Remus himself, though in human form this time. Remus felt a terrible kind of connection to all werewolves. It was not one he normally treasured, despite its usefulness to the Order. Right now he hated it more than ever.

Tonks sat silently, as had been so unusual for her in times past and as was so normal for her now. She felt sick every time she looked at Bill. As an Auror, she had been trained in basic Healing, but this was different. This was werewolf damage. This was one of her friends. This was another reason for Remus to remove himself from her.

***

Almost two years previously....


One fading afternoon, two long shadows waited on a dirty London street. One belonged to a tall black man; the other, to a woman with a pale, heart-shaped face, dark eyes, and short spiky hair in a bright shade of green. The woman seemed to be concentrating on something; her eyes were closed and her lips were moving silently. A moment later, a large house appeared directly in front of them. The man tapped on the door, it swung open, and they entered.

The inside of the house was dark and foreboding, and only succeeded in making the woman more nervous than she already was. In trying to stand out of the way and appear professional, she backed into a waste bin and both she and it fell over.
The hallway exploded as portraits lining both sides of the hallway and awoke and began screaming curses at the intruders. The tall man rolled his eyes at his companion and set off down the hallway, Stunning the paintings.

Two other men hurtled into the hallway, pulling out their wands. One joined in Stunning the portraits; the other yanked a set of curtains shut over the largest one. When the house was silent again, the one who had shut the curtains reached down to pull the woman off the floor.

Sirius Black grinned at his cousin. “Well, Nymmie, you’ve changed since I saw you last. Maybe not so much, though.� He indicated the waste bin she had tripped over.

Nymphadora Tonks laughed as she hugged him. “It’s so good to see you again!� She looked at the waste bin and did a double-take. “What is that?�

“What, you’ve never seen a troll’s-leg umbrella stand before?� He laughed at the look on her face. “Here, let me introduce you. This is Remus, my oldest friend. Remus, my cousin Nymmie.�

Tonks grimaced. “Please, not Nymmie. I haven’t been called that since I was nine. Not Nymphadora, either,� she added hastily as Sirius opened his mouth again.

Sirius smirked. “What do you go by now, girl?�

“Just Tonks.�

“Suits you. Tonks, my friend Remus. Remus, my cousin Tonks.�

Tonks looked at the man. He was older than she, with grey streaks in his brown hair and a look in his eyes that said he had suffered. But there was also intelligence and great kindness there; and, she thought, a sense of humor. Remus… This was the one Kingsley had said was a werewolf.

Remus saw those dark eyes sizing him up. She was younger than she looked on first glance. Twenty-three, did Sirius say? Doesn’t look dangerous, but she will be, she’s an Auror. Doesn’t look fazed to see me, either. That was the best part. He reached out and shook her hand. “Good to meet you, Tonks.�

Sirius led them down the hallway, talking nonstop. “I’d show you around the place if I liked it at all.� Tonks murmured something about “interesting.�

“It is interesting, I’ll give you that, but I’d rather have less interesting and more portraits that say something besides ‘disgusting’ and ‘blood-traitor.’�

They seated themselves at the long kitchen table, Sirius still talking nineteen to the dozen. “I see you finally learned to control your Metamorphosing.�

Tonks made a face at him. “Don’t remind me.�

As the two of them laughed and talked about old times and childhood jokes, Remus conversed quietly with Kingsley about Ministry doings and the latest from Dumbledore. He had some trouble focusing -- Tonks’s neon green hair kept catching his eye. It wasn’t that he disapproved of it, it was just...different. Once, when Remus looked over, he caught Tonks in the act of looking away and knew that she had been staring at him. Most people did when they learned that he was a werewolf, but Remus was used to it. He hoped that she wasn't one of those people who would avoid him like the plague a week away from the full moon.

He looked deliberately at her – she wasn’t looking back this time – and abruptly decided that a green-haired woman who chatted so calmly with a somewhat atypical (convicted-murderer) cousin and participated in an (illegal) organization opposing a Dark wizard (who wasn’t supposed to exist) would not be afraid of a mere werewolf.

Tonks listened as her cousin described his time avoiding Ministry capture. She was slightly ashamed that her cousin's friend had caught her staring. She hadn't meant to be rude, but she had never met a werewolf before – but no, that wasn’t it. Tonks decided that had she known why she found him interesting, she wouldn't have been staring.

***

An hour later, Tonks watched as about two dozen people filed in. She recognized a few: McGonagall, Snape (easily the least welcome person in the room) and Dumbledore, of course. She had hoped that Sirius would tell her who everyone was and what role they played in the Order. Unfortunately, Snape made a snide comment two minutes into the meeting that put Sirius in a very unpleasant mood for the rest of the night. When Dumbledore asked him to introduce their newest member, Sirius said only, “This is my cousin, Nymphadora Tonks,� and sat down again. Tonks glanced around, lost, before Remus took pity on her, explaining quietly who each speaker was and his or her part in the Order.

Tonks listened to Remus’ commentary with interest. Despite his earlier conclusion, Remus found himself almost surprised that the young Auror didn’t seem nervous about sitting with a werewolf. Tonks in her turn was startled to find that she had nearly forgotten Remus’s lycanthropy. She had been apprehensive about meeting him, despite her Auror studies, but he seemed perfectly normal, not to mention thoughtful.

After the meeting, Tonks found herself munching Molly Weasley’s excellent apple crumble while various Order members introduced themselves. She liked Emmeline Vance, whose dignified stateliness did not prevent her from having an unexpectedly off-colour sense of humour. McGonagall, on the other hand, still had the ability to make her feel as though she’d done something wrong. Tonks heaved a very quiet sigh of relief when McGonagall moved on – being told to call her former teacher by her first name was almost as unnerving as simply meeting her outside of school – and was promptly caught by Mad-Eye Moody.

“So you’re the newest one, are you?� It was a friendly growl, but a growl nonetheless. Tonks stood somewhat in awe of the ex-Auror, as did most of her department, but managed to say, “Yes sir. I’m Tonks.� Oh, wildly intelligent. Well done, Tonks. She was finding it very difficult not to stare at the electric-blue eye swivelling in its socket.

“I’m Alastor Moody. You know that, most people do these days; makes it hard to slink around after Dark wizards when they all know who you are. Better to stay anonymous.�
Slightly bemused at the change in topic and still trying not to stare at Moody’s eye, Tonks blurted out, “Of course, Mad-Eye – sir.�

She stopped, appalled. Oh, no.

One brown eye and one electric-blue looked down at her for a second – Tonks quailed – but Moody’s face was inscrutable. A sudden gruff laugh escaped him; Tonks thought she was going to melt in relief. “That’s the way, girl. Not many who call me that to my face. That’s the right spirit.�

He stumped off, chuckling. Tonks slumped against the wall, face burning, and hoped no one else had heard.

“That’s an interesting way to introduce yourself.� Remus stood next to her, his face a little too straight.

Tonks shook her head. “I completely lost my head.�

“I could tell.�

Caught off-guard, Tonks glared at him. Remus’ face was definitely twitching now. Tonks grimaced. “Oh, fine. Laugh.�

“I’d hate to insult you.� His eyes were laughing, though. “Alastor has that effect on most people. He knew about you already, but he did want to meet you.�

“He already knew about me?�

“Of course. You’re an Auror, and an impressive one at that, from what I’ve heard.�

Tonks rolled her eyes. “I was lucky to qualify. This was the only reason I got through.� She wrapped her finger in a bright pink lock of hair.

“It’s a nice colour,� Remus said, “but I think you needed more than that to pass.� There was an almost-embarrassed pause.

Remus extended his hand. “I didn’t really meet you earlier. I’m Remus Lupin, as you already know, I’ve known Sirius since Hogwarts, and I assume you know about me.� The tone of his voice changed significantly on the last phrase. It was as if he had suddenly pulled his lycanthropy out from behind his back and shoved it into a spotlight.

Tonks was caught off-guard. “Er – well, yes, Kingsley told me. But you’re normal ninety percent of the time, and, er, you seem nice enough to make up for the other ten percent.�

There was another uncomfortable pause. “I’m sorry,� said Remus at last. “I shouldn’t have made you do that. Most people just tend to –�

“I know,� Tonks said hastily. “I can guess, anyway.�

A third pause followed in which both parties wished they could alter the last five minutes. Finally Remus asked, “So how did you learn to really use your Metamorphosing?�

Tonks leaped gladly on the new topic and was soon gesturing enthusiastically at her rapidly flickering hair as she demonstrated. Remus was heard to ask more questions in an hour than he usually did in a month. By the time the crumble, and most of the guests, were gone, the two were competing: Remus would come up with a new and highly implausible guise for Tonks to try, and she would do it. Their corner exploded with muffled laughter every time she succeeded.

They were broken rudely up by Mad-Eye Moody, who tapped Tonks’s shoulder on his way to the door. “Not bad, girl, but the hair sticks out a little more than that. Comes with having it constantly standing on end, see.�

He stumped off. A chagrined Tonks clapped her hands over her face, which was rapidly turning beet red. Remus tried manfully to swallow his laughter. He might have, but Arthur Weasley looked over then and spotted Moody’s face, beet-red, atop a slender, feminine body. “Merlin’s beard, what--!�

Remus collapsed into the nearest chair, howling with laughter.


*****

A/N: This story, begun in August of 2005, is undergoing its (hopefully) final rewrite in preparation for the long-awaited ending. If you have been reading from the beginning, I cannot thank you enough for your patience and reviews! If you are a more recent reader, I am thrilled that you have chosen this story. Know that it is, after long months of extended waiting, it is finally nearing completion.

Immense thanks for this first chapter goes to my editor-friend Alison (Scribbly, in the MNFF world).

Disclaimer, disclaimer, disclaimer.

All quotes are from OotP, p. 27 – 62, American hardcover.

*****

Remus’ thoughts jumped to another girl, one not sitting at the bedside. The thought that Bill would now lose Fleur was the hardest of all. Despite the girl’s airs, Remus had caught her exchanging glances with Bill when they thought no one was looking, glances that put Remus’ initial fears at rest. No, the thought of Bill being deserted was hard because Remus knew exactly what it felt like to lose someone because of a “furry little problem.�

***

Tonks sat with Sirius, Remus, Hermione Granger, and Ginny Weasley at the long kitchen table of number twelve, Grimmauld Place. There had been a short Order meeting and the five of them had gathered for a companionable chat. Right now, they were talking about Hogwarts.

“I almost wish I could go back, you know,� Tonks confided, and took a sip of hot chocolate. “It was home for a really long time.�

At the mention of home, Ginny glanced almost involuntarily at the clock on the wall. Seven hands rested on “home,� but Arthur Weasley’s still pointed to “work.� She sighed.

Tonks followed her gaze. “Dumbledore had some things he needed help on. He did say it might take a while.� Dumbledore had made only the briefest of appearances at the meeting before leaving again.

Remus was about to say something when there was a pop and Arthur Weasley appeared, spinning in the fireplace. Ginny leaped up eagerly, but her father forestalled her greeting. “Sirius. There’s bad news.�

Sirius’ face went white. “Harry?� His first fear was always that something had happened to the one remaining person he really cared for. Tonks reached up in a placating motion, but Arthur’s next words froze her in place.

Arthur’s face was almost as pale as Sirius’. “He’s been attacked by dementors.�

There was a moment’s ringing silence, which Arthur took advantage of. He hurried on before they could start shouting. “As soon as the report hit the Ministry, Fudge jumped on it. He had Harry expelled.�

Ginny shrieked, “He what?� The others jumped in and her father raised his voice to be heard over the clamour. “We were lucky Dumbledore was there. He – reminded – Fudge that the Ministry isn’t allowed to expel students. Harry still has to attend a disciplinary hearing, that’s only to be expected with such a piece of magic, but he’ll get off fine, he can’t be punished for saving his own life. The only worry now is that he might try to leave, though I warned him not to.�

Sirius leaped up, rummaging through the drawers lining the kitchen. He found a small piece of parchment and a self-inking quill and scribbled furiously for a few seconds, bent over the table. Then he dashed out of the room, for an owl, Tonks guessed, muttering something about reckless teenagers.

Arthur made a hasty exit back to the Ministry, leaving the room in a minor state of shock. After a moment, Remus stood. “I hope Mad-Eye’s still around. I think we’ll be paying a visit to the Dursleys’ fairly soon.� Tonks nodded, the shock on her face already fading into determination. The two left, leaving the teenagers silent.

***

Moody chose a small park down the street from Privet Drive as the Apparition point. The nine of them landed almost simultaneously, each holding tightly to a broomstick. Moody was already directing them towards one of the large, square houses (though it looked to Tonks like all the others), his magical eye spinning insanely.

The windows were dark. Moody inspected the lock on the door and tapped it, muttering about inefficient Muggle devices as the door clicked open. He was the first into the hall, darting in all directions, the others pouring in behind. They paused breathlessly; then Tonks jumped as Moody growled, “Spread out, check the ground floor. Make sure there isn’t anything that’ll attack us.�

Tonks slipped into the kitchen, Remus following. Tonks’ eyes skipped over the countertops, shining dully even in the dark.

“All clear?�

His voice came from immediately behind her right ear. Tonks yelped, jumped, tripped, grabbed at the table for support, and caught hold of a dinner plate instead. She heard a startled “Sorry!� before the plate hit the tiled floor and shattered into the proverbial thousand pieces. Tonks almost followed. Remus caught her, barely, before she hit the floor.

Remus tried to apologise as he set her back up. “Tonks, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you jump like that—�

“It’s okay. Thanks.�

The rest of the Order poured into the kitchen, cutting short further expressions of regret.

“Are you –�

“What happened?�

“You okay?�

“What in Merlin’s name –�

“Tonks, what’d you do?�

“Got to make a dramatic entrance, I see.�

“Of course,� Tonks retorted. “No ultra-secret vital mission is complete until I fall flat on my – �

“He’s up!� barked Moody. The Order stampeded back into the hallway after him.

Tonks got stuck in the shuffle and didn’t see Harry emerge. When she finally got out of the door into the unlit hallway, she promptly fell over her own feet. “Why are we all standing here in the dark? Lumos.�

Tonks’ wand lit up. Harry – and most of the Advance Guard – blinked at the sudden flare. Tonks watched as a shaky, but genuine, smile lit the boy’s face.

“Oooh, he looks just like I thought he would.� Tonks, realizing she had spoken aloud, added quickly, “Wotcher, Harry!�

Now that they were here, Moody was evidently having second thoughts. “Are you quite sure it’s him, Lupin? It’d be a nice lookout if we bring back some Death Eater impersonating him. We ought to ask him something only the real Potter would know. Unless anyone brought any Veritaserum?� Then again, maybe it was Moody’s peculiar brand of humour. Tonks was never entirely sure.

To his credit, Remus didn’t smile as he said, “Harry, what form does your Patronus take?�

“A stag.� It was nervous, but sure. Tonks remembered something Sirius had said about James. Interesting.

“That’s him, Mad-Eye,� Remus said. A few brave souls had begun calling Moody by his nickname after Tonks’ slip at Headquarters a few weeks ago. It was spreading quickly, now that they had realized he didn’t mind.

Harry finally came down the stairs, looking nervous, and put his wand in the back pocket of his jeans. He started when Moody roared out, “Don’t put your wand there, boy! What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!�

Tonks couldn’t resist. “Who d’you know who’s lost a buttock?�

As the group moved into the kitchen, Remus patiently answered Harry’s questions and explained the next steps of the plan.

Harry asked anxiously, “We are leaving, aren’t we? Soon?�

Remus replied calmly, “Almost at once, we’re just waiting for the all-clear.� They were moving into the kitchen now, and Remus introduced the other eight members of the rescue team.

“And this is Nymphadora –�

Tonks cut him off quickly. “Don’t call me Nymphadora, Remus. It’s Tonks.� Remus, so proper – he always insisted on introducing her by her full name. It was polite, to be sure, but it always led to so much confusion when she didn’t really like the name anyway. Remus had old-fashioned ideas about propriety. Sweet, to be sure, but old-fashioned.

Remus continued smoothly, “– Nymphadora Tonks, who prefers to be known by her surname only.� There was the barest hint of amusement in his voice.

“So would you if your fool of a mother had called you ‘Nymphadora’, � Tonks retorted. She looked around at the various bits of machinery, marvelling at the utter helplessness of Muggles. Harry threw a covert glance around himself as he handed Moody a glass of water. With a start, Tonks realized she was staring and wrenched her gaze away, searching for something to keep her from gawking at Harry. She watched Remus, who was checking the window, instead. He was as cautious as Moody in his own way – not paranoid, but careful. Tonks reflected that she much preferred that to Moody’s twitchiness.


Remus watched as Tonks followed Harry up the stairs, looking around with interest and talking a mile a minute. Harry was not the boy Remus had met two years ago. That boy had been full of life and adventure. Remus suspected that the events of a month past had driven that sense of adventure out of him. Perhaps Tonks would be able to talk to him, to show him the sense of wonder at the world that she had somehow managed to retain. Granted, Tonks had never seen death first-hand, but she was an Auror and knew what she worked against. Remus wondered, not for the first time, how she had done it. He pushed that firmly out of his mind to write a note to the Dursleys.

Remus was just sealing the letter when Tonks and Harry came downstairs. “Excellent. We’ve got about a minute, I think. We should probably get out into the garden so we’re ready. Harry, I’ve left a letter telling your aunt and uncle not to worry –�

“They won’t.

“That you’re safe –�

“That’ll just depress them.�

“—and you’ll see them next summer.�

“Do I have to?�

Remus smiled, but the smile touched his mouth only. Harry sounded dead serious, especially with the last question. A flash of pink caught his eye and he looked up at Tonks, who was frowning at Harry. Remus could see something similar to his own thoughts crossing her face. The pictures – or lack thereof – on the mantelpiece spoke poignantly of something that disturbed them both.

Moody was briefing Harry on the procedure. “—If one of us is killed –�

“Is that likely?� Harry looked rather taken aback.

Tonks shook her bubble-gum pink head. “Stop being so cheerful, Mad-Eye, he’ll think we’re not taking this seriously.�

“No one’s going to die.� That was Kingsley, his deep voice soothing over Moody’s growls. Remus silently blessed the man’s timing. Harry was nervous enough already. Then the red sparks flared overhead.

“Mount your brooms, that’s the first signal!� That, he knew, was Sirius. Sirius had been allowed to set the signals, but was allowed no more than the flight out and back. The risk of him being seen was too much for anything else.

Green sparks. Sirius would be watching to see them off. Once they were in the air, he was to report back. “Second signal, let’s go!�

Harry did as he was told, rising quickly (Sirius had really chosen well with that Firebolt) and following Tonks. She had been a reserve chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch team at Hogwarts and it still showed. She followed Moody’s directions easily, less clumsy in the air—possibly because there were fewer things to knock over.

Remus and six others swooped continually around Harry, wands ready. Tonks and Moody stayed just before and behind Harry. They did not plan to die, but the truth was that there was more danger than Harry knew. If one Death Eater had been watching the house and thought now would be a good time to attack the Dark Lord’s greatest enemy…

*

They were almost there. They had been flying for almost an hour, though it seemed twice that with the cold. Remus peered down and saw the last landmark. He opened his mouth to let Moody know it was there, but Moody cut him off.

“We ought to double back for a bit, just to make sure we’re not being followed!� Remus shivered. Typical Mad-Eye!

Tonks’ broom jumped. “ARE YOU MAD, MAD-EYE? We’re all frozen to our brooms! If we keep going off course we’re not going to get there until next week! We’re nearly there now!�

“Time to start the descent!� Remus jumped in before Moody could shout back. “Follow Tonks, Harry!� Moody glowered, but the glare was somewhat less effective when he was shivering so hard his broom was quivering. It was only a half-hearted glare in any case.

Five more minutes and they were in front of the house. Moody pulled Dumbledore’s deluminator from his cloak and quickly turned off every light on the block. Remus paused to help Tonks grab Harry’s trunk. When she fumbled her end, he took Hedwig’s cage, too. She glared, but only for a moment. With the others flanking them, they marched across the street.

Harry was already reading the bit of parchment with Dumbledore’s thin, loopy handwriting covering it. After a moment, he looked up, concentrating, and Remus watched amazement spread over his face. The others, already in the know, could see the house, but to Harry it had simply appeared.

Moody sent the little orange lights back to their streetlamps before shutting the door and lighting the gas lamps. Harry had barely time to look around before Molly Weasley hurried out of the door that led to the kitchen, where the Order held meetings. She hugged Harry hard, murmuring quietly; Remus distinctly heard something about “feeding up�.

Turning to the others, she whispered, “He’s just arrived, the meeting’s started…�

“Finally,� Moody growled. Kingsley’s mouth twisted wryly as they moved towards the door. Tonks grimaced. Remus smiled at her.

“Oh come, he won’t eat you.�

Tonks paused and screwed up her face, turning her hair long, black, and greasy. “You sure?�

Remus laughed very quietly as she restored it to pink and they moved into the kitchen together.


*****

A/N: This chapter has been edited into its final state. Thanks to: Alison-Scribbly for pointing out mistakes and helping me patch plotholes; rita_skeeter, who Brit-picked this chapter for me; and to the many lovely readers who keep me writing!

*****

Tonks checked herself in the mirror. The floor was piled with dirty clothing and the counter was littered with notes to herself, but there were none of the small containers and tools that one would expect to see on a vanity table.

Tonks turned her head, eying herself critically, then spoke aloud. “I tell you, the biggest perk about being a Metamorphamagus is that my makeup won't ever smear. Well?�

The mirror answered cheekily, in a voice uncannily like Tonks’ own, “If you’re fishing for compliments, there aren’t any coming!�

Tonks laughed and winked at the mirror as she stepped away.

A pinch of glittering green dust took her straight into the kitchen of Grimmauld Place. The usually gray room was draped with tinsel and greenery. Molly stood at the stove with Remus. Tonks hurried over to join their laughter.

“Wotcher, Remus! Hey, Molly. Oh – thanks,� she added, as Remus took her cloak. He paused in surprise.

Tonks batted her eyelashes in a mock-seductive manner, swirling her dark hair around her. “What do you think?� It was much longer than usual, down to her hips, but Remus was not staring because of the length. He was staring at the thin gold and silver stripes across it and the multicoloured spots scattered over the forest green background.

“Well?�

“I haven’t decided yet,� he answered severely, though amusement was evident on his face. “Oh. You’re a Christmas tree, aren’t you?� His eyes danced, lighting his lined visage.

“Exactly! You get a prize for being the first to guess.�

“I’m also the first one to see,� Remus pointed out.

“But you’re the only one who came over to greet me – well, not quite, but you were first.� Tonks nodded over Remus’ shoulder Molly, who reached over to hug her and stopped, her expression much like Remus’, although without most of the amusement.

“My goodness, Tonks! It’s – er – you look lovely.�

Tonks laughed, flinging her hair over her shoulder like a simpering model from a Sleekeazy’s ad. “Thank you. How was the Christmas visit to Arthur?�

Molly brightened up instantly. “Wonderful. It’s sad that he can’t be here, but we had a nice little gift exchange yesterday, and he said himself it would be better to have the celebration, even if it was late. And Healer Smethwyck says Arthur is doing excellently – the stitches were only a minor setback – so he might be home in quite a short time!�

Tonks congratulated her sincerely, Molly waxing effusive with thanks. “Oh, my dear, dinner’s nearly ready, so could you go tell them that we need some strong men to carry all the food into the main room?�

“It will be done, madam!� Tonks pranced out the door without stumbling once, Remus following with the first loaded tray.

“That colour really does look well on you, Tonks. An angel atop your head and it’s perfect.�

Tonks cast a conspiratorial glance around. “Tell me, Remus, what are stitches?�


***


Tonks’ hair was quite the sensation. Professor Dumbledore congratulated her on her Christmas spirit and Sirius nearly choked to death laughing. When all the food had finally gotten to the table and the laughter had died down, Tonks found herself next to Remus.

She leaned over for another helping of pudding. “I forgot. Your prize.�

“What is it?�

“How about a game of chess?�

“Do you think you’ll win?�

“Maybe. My dad taught me the Muggle way and I played a lot at Hogwarts, but I haven’t done much since.�

“But you know how to play?�

“Yeah, but I might need a refresher course.�

“That’s a prize?�

“It is now!�


***


Some time later, when most of the food was finally gone and most of the guests sprawled lazily in cushy armchairs, Tonks seated herself in front of a table, upon which sat a rather battered chess set. Remus sat across from her.

“So how much do you remember?�

“Enough, I think. Don’t you dare try to make this easy on me, or I’ll sic Mad-Eye on you.�

“Of course not.�

*

Remus was used to playing with opponents who yelled or swore at their pieces, but he’d never before played someone who actually listened to their advice, even if she never took it. He also impressed by the creativity of her strategy and daring use of sacrifices, and her almost reckless speed. Tonks, in turn, found that Remus had the conservative defensive strategy she had expected. He considered carefully before each move and had an excellent memory for previous plays.

*

Tonks studied the board. True to his word, Remus showed no mercy, taking her queen in the first four moves and five more pieces in the next few minutes. He had offered to start over – “Since this is your first time playing in a while� – but she had only glared at him and moved her knight forward.

After half an hour, Tonks had her king, one knight, one bishop, one castle, and a few pawns. Remus had about twice as many, some set in a protective circle around his king and some hunting down Tonks’ remaining pieces. She had spent the last ten minutes chipping away at the wall around his king, but he had gotten too much of an early advantage.

Tonks spent thirty seconds—her longest pause yet—winding long green strands of hair around her finger before she moved a castle. Remus took the castle she had just moved, only then looking up to see the triumph on his opponent’s face.

She moved quickly, ordering her queen out from its corner into the teeth of Remus’s bishop. “Check.�

“Knight to –� Remus stopped. Wordlessly, he examined the board again while Tonks, subterfuge over, grinned impudently.

After a minute, Remus sat back, smiling ruefully, and watched the game play out to the inevitable conclusion. In the end, Remus’ little king took off his crown and laid it down on the board, bowing to the little white queen who had checkmated him.

Remus sat back and tried to mentally reconstruct the last several moves. “That was quite good, especially for someone who hasn’t played in a while.�

Tonks shrugged. “It was risky, but it was the way to win. Actually, it was the only way not to lose.�

Remus nodded slowly. “Sometimes it’s take that only way or lose.� He was looking at the board, but Tonks thought he did not see it. He was running his right thumb over a scar that ran up the side of his finger.

She spoke softly. “I’ve been meaning to ask, Remus – why haven’t you been taking Wolfsbane lately?�

His face darkened; she backtracked hastily. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have –�

Remus shook his head, his face clearing slightly. “No, no, it’s a perfectly legitimate question.�

There was a spate of laughter from behind them, where dessert was being brought out. The chess players ignored it.

“The Wolfsbane Potion – well, a werewolf is essentially a wolf. They look different, you know the signs, but aside of those five signs, they are same physically. The real difference is mental.�

His voice changed somehow, something friendly yet with a lecturing note; probably what he had used in the classroom. It was the voice of one who knew his subject backwards, forwards and sideways. Tonks leaned forward, fascinated.

“Real wolves are sociable creatures. They hunt in packs, they have a rigid social order; they are nothing without a pack. Werewolves fight when they meet; they usually end up killing each other. They are vicious killers. A werewolf is an odd-looking wolf with a penchant for flesh.�

Tonks blinked, but Remus wasn’t watching her any more. His eyes were focused on the edge of the table. Tonks found herself shivering. He must have so many bad memories after – what? Thirty years? More?

“A transformed werewolf doesn’t remember anything of his humanity. And when we transform back into people, we remember only vague things, like the area we were in, or if we ate. I’ve caught and eaten things before. It’s not so much the eating or even the blood, but it – it comes across as vague memories of ripping live creatures apart with one’s human teeth.�

Tonks winced.

“What Wolfsbane does is to take that nature away. A transformed werewolf under its influence isn’t vicious. It doesn’t restore the human mind. What it does is leaves a wolf that’s rather weak – one of the side effects – but wouldn’t hurt a limping mouse. It’s rather apathetic, really. But it’s gentle.�

Remus spoke faster as he went. “You’re almost always useless the entire day before the full moon. I would force myself to walk in my office, back and forth, telling myself the whole time that I was tired and should rest, and not to try to leave the office because something bad would happen. When I finally transformed, after the pain subsided, I would remember concepts, but not the words. Don’t leave, because something bad would happen. Rest, sleep if possible. I think I fell asleep a few times. The pain wakes you up when you transform back, of course. It’s not comfortable to be the wolf. The body feels natural, but Wolfsbane or no, there’s always a sort of itch at the back of the mind, that something’s just the least bit off. It’s actually worse with Wolfsbane, because when you don’t have the urge to rip everything in sight into tiny shreds, then you have more time to think. Not really think, wolves don’t use words, but the presence is a bit stronger. But the pain is always the same in the beginning and at the end. The itch doesn’t compare at all.�

“And then I just wait until I can move and put some sort of bandages on and crawl into bed. Or fall asleep on the floor, sometimes. After two days, I can function again, more or less.�

Remus stopped abruptly. It took her a moment to realize that he was finished. He seemed to be holding his breath. Then he let out a long, slow sigh and sagged back into the depths of his chair. Tonks couldn’t look away.

Since meeting Remus, she had spent some time searching for whatever the Ministry had on werewolves. The Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures had very scanty information – the Werewolf Division was the least popular area – while the Aurors’ records were darkly terrifying. Neither had had any sort of personal testimony from a werewolf.

She had been apprehensive about meeting him, but she had dismissed all that moments after making his acquaintance. She had wondered where he was, at one meeting, and remembered only when he came back, looking as though he was recovering from a bad bout of the flu. Too embarrassed to ask, she never said anything and he had never volunteered anything, never told her what it felt like or what he thought at the time. Now she knew and part of her wished desperately that she didn’t. The other part of her reached out to him, surprised by the depth of his pain, touched by the depth of his strength.

The fire popped, but no one noticed. Remus’ face was dark with pain and disgust. Tonks was still attempting to process what she had just heard. It was some time before there was any noise other that the crackling of the fire and the chattering voices in the background.

Tonks jumped when Remus said softly, “I completely ignored your question at all, didn’t I? Werewolves can often tell each other for kin, especially close to the full moon. Wolfsbane produces a slightly altered appearance. A normal person can’t tell, but a werewolf would see it every time, a sort of – glazed look. If they see that I’ve taken it, I might as well wave a banner advertising that I’m in contact with highly skilled wizards. And a lot of them agree with Greyback – he calls it ‘a crutch for those not strong enough to admit what they are.’ He’s run feral too long to appreciate sanity.�

“Running feral� was the one piece of useful information that Tonks had gotten out of the Magical Creatures department. It meant one who had decided not only to leave the Wizarding life, but to embrace the wolf, to become the savage beast even in human form—the way Fenrir Greyback had. Not many made the choice. Any who did were hunted down by Aurors for “capture�, but they always fought to the death. Of the six on record, only one had gone down without killing at least one of his “captors.�

Her gaze wandered to the thin scars on the backs of his hands, the streaks of grey in his hair. Each scar, each premature strand was a reminder. She shivered.

Remus thought that deeper things tumbled below the surface of her dark eyes, though her hair, curtained around her, partially concealed her face. “I’m sorry, Tonks. I shouldn’t have told you all that. I didn’t mean to distress you at all.�

Tonks looked up. Their eyes locked. “You didn’t – I mean – I’m your friend.�

Her words were clumsy, but the gift that they offered was anything but. It was the same as what James and Sirius—and Peter—had given him, accepting him for what he was and couldn’t change.

True friendship looked out of her dark eyes and met his questioning gaze without flinching. Slowly, Remus felt the corners of his mouth curl up into a genuine smile.

*****

Remus spared a moment to wish that his chosen job wasn’t so dirty. It wasn’t that he was a snob, but it would be nice to wash his robes more than once every few weeks. Admittedly, he was nothing to the two men who sat facing him.

He wrenched his mind back to the situation at hand, irritated. He hated trying to hold coherent conversations on full moon days, but he hadn’t been able to avoid this one.

One of the men growled, “Wizards! Think they’re so much better than us! As if we’d be like this if we could help it.� He raised ice-blue eyes, glaring his scorn at Remus for being one of “them.�

The other man snorted. “I’d almost rather be like this than be one of them. They call us inhuman, but the hypocrites won’t let us have jobs, won’t let us act like humans. If they don’t like that we live off rabbits, they shouldn’t force us to!�

Remus shook his head. “It’s true we’re not treated as we should be. But that’s not the point. Last time You-Know-Who was powerful, he used us, but not as equals. We were an army of animals for him to use and control.� It was horrifying, yet frighteningly easy to group himself into that plural we.

“That’s how they look at us, as animals!� spat the one with the icy eyes. “The Dark Lord knows that we are useful. We have a purpose. We have revenge!�

“Yes, but once he has what he wants, he won’t keep us around! He’s developing a curse that will be able force us into wolf shape whenever he wants, did you know that?�

The scrawny man answered scornfully, “That rumour’s always been around. The curse hasn’t materialised yet. Anyway, if we choose to, we can overwhelm him. We’re too strong for him; he fears us.�

Remus said slowly, “I don’t know, Lyall. He should, of course, and probably does. But it’s human nature to not trust those you fear.�

The first laughed mirthlessly. “Human? The Dark Lord is hardly human. Sure he fears us. But he can use us and there is no way I’m going to help that Ministry filth who have us living like this!� He threw back his head with a howl of rage, crashing his fist down so hard that the arm of his battered chair broke. “They’re the ones who have done this to us! We deserve whatever the Dark Lord gives us! They pass laws against us, but they fear us rightly, because someday we’ll have the upper hand!�

Snarls escaped his bared teeth, his eyes blazing with hate. Lyall grabbed his arm, yanked his hand away a moment before the other snapped down on it with bared teeth. “Calm down, Conan. Conan!�

Conan’s eyes were fixed before him, unseeing. His companion seized his shoulders and shook him. “Conan!�

Slowly, Conan subsided into his broken chair. Lyall turned to Remus.

“The full moon affects him worse than most others. You’d best go.� Despite his matter-of-fact words, his eyes searched Remus shrewdly.

Remus nodded. “Perhaps I’ll see you later.� He rose and stood a moment, looking at Conan, whose lips were still curled back in a quiet snarl, the image of his hopeless, angry people. Remus got to the door before he turned back, saying abruptly, “I think you and Conan are right about revenge. No one can say we don’t deserve it.� The unfeigned bitterness in his tone seemed to soften Lyall slightly.

Lyall nodded. “Think on it. The Dark Lord will not forget us; he cannot afford to.� His eyes narrowed for a brief second as he came to a decision. “If it’s revenge you seek, you can come to Knockturn Alley tonight. We patrol by turns to prevent Wizarding filth from sneaking in.� A smirk lifted one corner of his mouth.

Remus shook his head. “I wish I could, but there are some friends of mine who know where I’ll be tonight. They’re watching to make sure I don’t hurt anyone.� A cynical smirk rather like Lyall’s flashed over his face.

“Next time, then.�

Remus nodded again and stepped outside. Conan stopped growling and watched him silently. Aware that two pairs of eyes were following him, Remus looked up. The sky was brilliant orange-red, fading fast into night. Tonight, moonrise would follow the sunset almost immediately. He could feel the full moon tugging at him, its power growing with each passing second. Mind buzzing, Remus Disapparated.


Remus had finally started his mission by coming into contact with as many werewolves as possible. It wasn’t usually easy, since werewolves tended to conceal what they were, but these two were different. They were, as Dumbledore had suspected, openly recruiting. Between Conan’s fervor and Lyall’s slightly calmer brand of reasoning, they had recruited half a dozen already that Remus knew of. There were probably more. But this time, Remus had found out something that the Order hadn’t known before—the fact that werewolves patrolled Knockturn Alley on a regular basis. Tonight, that could be fatal: Kingsley Shacklebolt was running a midnight sweep of Borgin and Burkes, looking for signs that the shop was being used by supporters of Voldemort.

Remus reappeared on Grimmauld Place, staggering as he did so—it was only by sheer willpower that he had been able to stay coherent for the interview with the other werewolves. Only a thin strip of dark orange remained on the horizon. Remus flung himself at the door of number twelve and crashed into the hallway. “Sirius! Sirius!�

Sirius raced down the stairs, followed closely by Emmeline Vance and waving his arms in frantic hushing motions. Remus glanced around at the sleeping portraits and dodged into a dusty, unused parlor nearby. Sirius and Emmeline followed him. “Moony, what’s going on?�

“There are werewolves at Borgin and Burkes! Kingsley needs to be warned!�

“Emmeline can go, I’ll stay here, I’m not supposed to leave,� Sirius said quickly. That he would volunteer to stay was a mark of the bond between himself and Remus, as he usually tried to forget that such a restriction existed. Remus, who was beginning to shiver, cast him a grateful glance.

Emmeline spoke crisply. “We’ll both need to go. We can Disillusion you, you can leave as soon as the danger’s gone, and no one will know you were ever there. Moonrise is any second now and Kingsley will need whatever help he can get.� She was gone almost before she finished speaking.

Sirius turned to his old friend. “Moony –�

Remus was leaning again the wall. “Kingsley’s got to come out of this safely.� He tossed his wand out into the hall and sank to his knees. “Lock me in, I’ll be fine.�

“I can’t leave you here!�

Remus snarled, “You have to!� His eyes were beginning to dilate, his fists were clenched—symptoms that Sirius knew all too well. “Go!�

Sirius hesitated, then flung himself out of the room. He shut the door and pulled out his wand. “Colloportus!� Adding an Imperturbable Charm for good measure, he ran down the hallway and tripped over Remus’ wand. Cursing, Sirius spun on his heel, Knockturn Alley fixed in his mind. He couldn’t spin fast enough to block out a cry of agony that crescendoed into a howl of rage.

*

Nymphadora Tonks yawned hugely, turned on her heel and Disapparated from the Ministry of Magic to arrive on a dirty street in London. The manor-sized house looked rather forbidding in the uneven light of the rising sun. She rapped on the door and was surprised when no one answered. Under pretence of knocking again, she slipped out her wand and sent a silvery duck-billed platypus running around the side of the house.

It returned a moment later to nudge her ankles in a way that conveyed that something unusual and probably dangerous was happening. Glad once again that her Patronus was so unusually attuned to her, Tonks petted it absently while it dissolved. Maybe Sirius had forgotten that she would be arriving. Then again, perhaps he had overslept—it was five-thirty in the morning, after all.

With that in mind, she tapped her wand on the door, which slid silently open. Tonks stepped carefully inside, well to the side of the umbrella stand, and stopped, appalled. A sound had issued from somewhere in the house, a muffled, animal-like howl that made her break out in cold sweat.

She crept round to the door where the noise seemed to be coming from. To her surprise, that she couldn’t touch it. There seemed to be an invisible wall about six inches in front of the door. She guessed the door itself, behind the charm, was magically sealed.

Tonks sent her platypus around the house to look for any more Order members. It returned a moment later, shaking its head. She felt her fingernails digging into her palms as the noise broke out again. Whoever or whatever was making the sound, it was in terrible pain. She couldn’t leave. She thought of what Moody would say to someone who wanted to open a door to discover the source of an unknown, blood-curdling noise, gritted her teeth, and lifted the Imperturbable Charm.

Yes, the door was locked. She pressed her ear cautiously to the door; no more sounds issued from it. She stepped as far to the right as she could and still see the door reasonably well, and then cast a Disillusionment Charm on it.

What appeared to be acid spread over the door. In less than ten seconds, the door was nearly translucent. It wasn’t perfect—the Disillusionment Charm was meant for camouflage, not invisibility—but it worked well enough. Unable to see inside, she stepped closer and shrieked as a great grey thing hurled itself at her face and hit the door with enough force to make it shudder.

It was a wolf, a giant, grey – no – She stumbled backwards and slid to the floor, stomach heaving.

While the wolf-thing was picking itself up after its charge at the door, Tonks had seen the tuft at the end of the tail. She had seen enough pictures and heard enough stories to know that one of her good friends had just attempted to kill her.

She pulled herself up. There was a window nearby, close to the ceiling and more ornamental than anything, but it was a window. The sky was now much lighter than it had been just minutes before when she entered. A strip of pale gold now lit the horizon. She went back to the door and, taking a deep breath, peered at her charmed door. The room appeared to be empty. Her breath caught in her throat. It – he? – couldn’t have gotten out –

This time she didn’t scream, but she did fall over backwards. The werewolf had been sitting just to the left of the door and against the wall where she couldn’t see it, and whirled out to snarl at her. As she picked herself back up, the werewolf stopped in front of the door, lips pulled back to reveal razor-sharp teeth. Tonks watched…not long now…

The creature growled at her, all the more frightening for the fact that she couldn’t hear it through the thick door. It made her hair want to stand on end. Tonks braced herself for the thump as it gathered itself for another spring.

But it didn’t come. The werewolf launched its front half into the air and fell. Its muzzle opened in a soundless howl of pain and it writhed on the floor, its limbs straightening, the hair disappearing, the head changing – in less than thirty seconds, Remus Lupin lay unconscious on the floor. Tonks was kneeling next to him almost immediately, leaving the bright sunlight now shafting into the hall for the darkness of the ruined room.

She checked his pulse and was relieved to find it beating steadily, though rapidly. “Ennervate!�

Remus felt himself drifting back to consciousness. It had happened hundreds of times, but he was always surprised to find himself on the floor, feeling as if he’d been bounced repeatedly off the walls. The surprise was invariably followed by a sickening feeling as he remembered why he was on the floor with a pounding headache. There was no help for it but to spend at least the next full day asleep.

Something thumped lightly into his chest, forcing his eyes open. Remus looked to the right and saw a blurred shape kneeling next to him. One of the aftereffects of the transformations was bad vision.

The someone spoke. “Remus?�

“Tonks?�

“Yes.� Tonks breathed a silent sigh of relief. “Are you all right?�

Am I? Along with the question came the slow realization that Tonks had caught him at what was, not counting actual werewolf form, his absolute worst. He couldn’t even stand. His left arm was dripping blood, though it wasn’t nearly as bad as some other injuries he’d had. “I’ll live.�

Tonks slid her left arm under Remus’ right and pulled. How she got him off the floor, she wasn’t sure, but they were both sitting upright a moment later. She tried to lighten the mood slightly by saying, “Let’s get off this wood floor, it’s killing my knees.� She realized how tactless that was the moment it emerged from her mouth and cringed, but Remus made a sound that might almost have been a laugh. “By all means.�

Tonks braced herself and the two of them rose unsteadily off the floor. Remus thought for a moment that he was going to collapse again, but forced himself to stay standing. Somehow, they got out the door and down the hallway.

With awareness came a growing sense of horror. Remus knew that he looked as bad as he felt, not to mention the effort it took to form coherent sentences. A part of his mind wondered vaguely why this bothered him so. Arthur Weasley had found him once and Remus hadn’t been nearly so self-conscious that time.

Tonks guided him into the drawing room – which, she was thankful to see, Molly had cleaned thoroughly – and into an armchair. “I’ll go get some tea.�

Remus shut his eyes and tried not to think. He was dozing lightly when Tonks returned.

“Here you are.� Her voice jerked Remus awake. He jumped slightly, watching as Tonks began to fill a pair of mugs with water.

“Tonks?�

“Yeah?�

“When did you come in? I had to warn the Order about something and got trapped here. I thought Sirius or Emmeline would warn people away.�

Tonks frowned. “There isn’t anyone else here. They must still be out. I got here about fifteen minutes ago, came off night duty.�

She was looking down to put teabags in the mugs, so she did not see his face as her words hit him. He asked in a voice that tried very hard to break away from him, “So you—you were here when I—�

Too late, Tonks realized she was trapped. Her own voice was very quiet. “Yes.�

Remus stared into the empty fireplace, stunned. No one, save Sirius, James, and Peter, had ever seen him like that for more than a few brief moments. It was not something he wanted people to see. It was more than vulnerability; it was pure evil. It was a monster trying to take large bites out of anything that got near.

Worse, it was dangerous. What if he had gotten out? What if the door had broken? What if Sirius and Emmeline hadn’t left in time? What if Tonks had opened the door and found the raging beast behind it?

Tonks tried to hand Remus his tea, but he didn’t move. She set the cups down and sat next to him. “Let me see your arm.�

“I’m fine,� he lied. He felt terrible. He had put Tonks in danger. He wished he was in the Shrieking Shack, or a deserted wood – anywhere but here, with Tonks being so gentle and himself barely able to stand.

“Nonsense. You’re bleeding through your robes.� Tonks caught his hand and pushed his red-soaked sleeve up over his wrist to reveal a long gash running along his wrist to the palm of his hand, just missing the crucial arteries.

She drew her wand along the wound, murmuring the incantation as she did so. The skin knit together, leaving only a fading pink mark that cut across the lifeline on his palm.

Remus tried to shake back his sleeve, but Tonks caught sight of something and pushed his sleeve up above the elbow. His arm was covered with scars, old and faint. Some looked like they had gone deep.

She looked up at him, voice quiet. “What happened? Some of these look older, but these –� She traced her fingers along one that had obviously been inflicted recently.

Remus couldn’t hold her troubled gaze. For the first time since Tonks had known him, Remus stammered, “I—most of those are old. It—when a—if I didn’t—a werewolf attacks other people. If there isn’t anything else to savage, it—well, the scars fade eventually.�

Tonks stared at him, shocked. “You...you did this?�

Remus looked away. “Every single month, for many years.� He pulled down his sleeve, half hoping that making the scars disappear would make Tonks forget she had seen them, but when he looked back, her eyes still were fixed on him, bursting with questions she dared not ask. The sorrow in her eyes was almost tangible. It made his heart ache to see that someone grieved for him that powerfully.

“It’s not as bad as it looks,� Remus tried to explain. “One gets used to it, after a while. We – when we were at school, we called them my battle scars…� His voice petered out. His “battle scars� had been a running joke twenty years ago, but this was different. This was a good friend who hadn’t really known before. Her first introduction to his transformations had been a howling wolf hurling itself at a locked door. He looked up to see Tonks staring into space, her expression unreadable.

Since meeting Remus, Tonks had done some extra studying on werewolves. Only one text had mentioned werewolves as self-mutilating. She supposed it wasn’t something most people liked to think about. Besides, they’re only werewolves. Those words had never actually been printed, but they were breathed from every page of every report she had read. Only werewolves.

Tonks had worried about meeting Remus for about two seconds. As soon as he spoke, her fears left her. As she had told him once, werewolves were indeed normal people, most of the time.

Over the past months, the two had become good friends. The difference in their ages only seemed to solidify their friendship. Tonks relied on his cautious nature and from him, had learned to reserve judgment. In turn, she had taught him to take risks—something she thought he might have had once, when he had the Marauders, but that he had lost since he lost them—and to seize life as it came, rather than passively watching the world go by. The realization that Remus had a sense of humour and was more balanced than most people she knew, including herself, had ended her fear of werewolves forever, or so she thought. The sight of that rampaging beast had reminded her why she was supposed to be afraid of werewolves. She was used to Remus’ habit of vanishing every four weeks and coming back looking as if he’d had a bad bout of the flu, but that had become a part of him. This was something not at all like Remus’ quiet, strong nature.

There was silence for a few minutes until her brain began to chide her. Tonks fumed helplessly, feeling the tears coming to her eyes. Say something, you idiot! Unable to find the right words, she nevertheless forced herself to speak. “I...I’m sorry, Remus.�

Remus had long given up crying for himself, but her sorrow made the tears start to prickle his own eyes. She’s too young for this. Why do I have to be like this, to make her cry for me? He thought of the talk they had had over Christmas. He had not mentioned the scars that evening.

Time stretched. Long moments they sat, she holding his hand in hers, both staring at a crisscross of old wounds, wounds that went deeper than the scars showed.

Some time later, Tonks asked quietly, “What was it that you warned Sirius and Emmeline about?�

With an effort, Remus thought back to his moon-dazed arrival the night before. “I received information that there are werewolf patrols in Knockturn Alley. Kingsley was there last night trying to search Borgin and Burkes.�

“Last night? Where –� Tonks cut off abruptly, realizing that they had probably gone somewhere else while Remus was transformed. She bit her lip. “Do you mind if I stay here till they come back? I haven’t been able to really talk to Sirius for a while.�

“If you like. I probably won’t be able to stay awake, but I’d appreciate the company.�

His kindness in allowing her to stay, despite his own self-consciousness, almost brought tears to her eyes again. “I will, then. Thank you.�

Tonks, realising that she still held his hand, let it go. Remus drifted off to sleep much more calmly than he usually did after a full moon, though once he caught Tonks watching him over the rim of her mug. He shut his eyes quickly, pretending that he hadn’t noticed. Peace settled over the room.


*****


A/N: Thanks heaps to my friend Scribbly, who helped me write the most emotional part of this chapter and continues to catch errors and oddities in my writing.

Speaking of errors, the latest edition of this was greatly aided by FaunaCaritas, who pointed out some discrepancies in the sounds that Tonks could hear. A fair number of people have also left very helpful reviews, so thank you all!

If you liked this, please review; if you hated it, please review and tell me (politely) what I could improve. If you got this far and actually finished the chapter, a review isn’t that much of a stretch!

*****

Four months later – June

Tonks stretched lazily and settled deeper into her chair, eyes closed, listening to the conversation around her. Kingsley was entertaining Sirius, Remus, and Mad-Eye by explaining the latest red herrings he had drawn across Sirius’s trail.

Tonks thought drowsily that it was odd how Remus’s laugh stood out. His laugh, like his voice, was slightly hoarse and not particularly loud, but there was something that made it striking. It was rather pleasant.

In the months that she had been part of the Order, Tonks had developed an interesting attraction to Remus Lupin. He was terribly sweet and rather good-looking, with a quick sense of humour. There were only two problems, either of which easily could doom a relationship from the start.

The more obvious one was his age. He was a good thirteen years older than her (she had casually inquired of Sirius) and looked older yet. His hair was graying, his face was lined; all caused by the stress of lycanthropy.

Which was the other problem. Every four weeks, this attractive, kind, humorous man turned into a raving beast. For a light relationship, this would not cause much of a difficulty – you simply couldn’t plan dates on certain times of the month (which, Tonks reflected, was usually the fault of the female). For a serious relationship, however, it might present a problem.

But it was hardly likely, after all, that she would really have the chance to find out. As far as she could tell, Remus never even so much as hinted to any woman that he was interested. If he did, Tonks was sure he could get any number of dates.

Remus glanced at Tonks, who appeared to be sleeping. Her hair was a mass of chestnut-brown curls, streaked with her favourite bubble-gum pink. Reaching for his butterbeer, he wondered idly how many opponents had underestimated her because of her youth and apparent vulnerability.

“Yours is second from the left.�

Startled, Remus looked up, but Tonks hadn’t moved, except for the tiniest of smiles on her face that might not have been there before. There were four bottles on the table, and his fingers were on one that he now remembered to belong to Sirius.

“Thanks.�

The smile broadened as Tonks opened her eyes. “You’re welcome.�

A sound like a choir of very small, high-pitched bells made Tonks straighten up expectantly. An oval with a smoky blue border, about a foot wide and twice as high, wavered open in midair. Snape’s face appeared and Tonks sat back, disappointed. The Potions master’s gaze raked over them, fixing on Sirius with his best death glare.

Sirius’ eyes flashed dangerously. “What is it?� Tonks noted that Snape had, as usual, chosen to set the oval above eye level; a petty act for someone who had left school twenty years before.

Snape’s cold eyes glittered as they usually did when he faced his archrival. “Potter had another one of his little daydreams. He believes you to be a prisoner of the Dark Lord, but as you’re obviously not, I have some things that need to be done here.� With that, the oval collapsed in on itself.

“Wait!� Sirius’ shout rang to empty air. He looked ready to bolt off to strangle Snape into giving him answers.

Remus spoke calmly. “Sirius, I’m sure Harry is all right. He must have spoken to Severus, and Severus is probably telling Harry right now that you are still here. Rudely, to be sure, but he will let Harry know.�

Sirius turned and sat down with a visible effort, peering out of a gauze-curtained window at the setting sun as though he could see the school through it. “He had better.�

Kreacher brought out plates of sandwiches; Sirius had evidently ordered him to keep his mouth shut, to judge from the way the house-elf turned purple whenever he looked at the guests. Mad-Eye Moody arrived an hour later, completing the circle of five.

They were, Remus reflected, an odd set. They ranged in age from Tonks’ twenty-three years to Moody’s – older; no one knew quite how old he was and no one wanted to ask. Three were or had been Aurors, one was an unemployed werewolf, and one was a convicted murderer. Somehow, perhaps through their dedication to their cause, they were all excellent friends.

Tonight, there was a tingle of excitement in the air. Professor Dumbledore was scheduled for a visit, only the third since he had left Hogwarts several weeks ago. But until he came – which would not be for some time – they could relax and talk.

It was well past nightfall when Snape’s oval chimed back into view. Sirius leaped up and strode over to it as though he could reach through the enchanted window and land a punch on Snape’s overlarge nose. “Is Harry all right?�

“He is not. When he told me he thought you were in danger, he was being held captive by Dolores Umbridge.�

Sirius’s black eyes blazed. “You –!�

Remus cut in. “Where is he now?�

“I do not think he realised that I understood him. I believe he was attempting to contact you through the fire when Umbridge caught him. Granger, the two Weasleys, Longbottom, and Lovegood were helping him; Umbridge’s little squad of enforcers caught them all. Potter and Granger lured Umbridge into the Forbidden Forest with some half-baked tale about a secret weapon. They have not returned. The others escaped; they may have gone after Potter, who may have found a way to get the Ministry. Some people should go to rescue him if he, indeed, has managed to get that far and not simply lost himself in the Forest, in which case, I will find him.�

Five voices answered at once. “I’ll go.�

Sirius nodded decisively. “Let’s –�

“Dumbledore is due at any moment. Someone needs to remain to tell him what has happened. As you are not allowed outside Headquarters, Black, I suggest that that one be you.�

Snape’s sneer vanished as the window collapsed. Sirius glared at it for a moment before rounding on the others. “I will not stay here while Harry is in danger! KREACHER!�

The house-elf scurried back into the room, bowing in obsequious mockery. “And what does Master want of Kreacher now, shouting –�

Sirius cut him off sharply. “Shut up and listen. Dumbledore should be here at any minute. I want you to tell him that the five of us have gone to the Department of Mysteries. Harry has had a dream that I am there and in danger. He, Hermione Granger, Ron and Ginny Weasley and some others are there now trying to rescue me. We are going to rescue them. Got that?�

The elf never looked at his master. “Kreacher understands, yes he does, the Potter boy is in danger, Kreacher hopes he never comes back –� His order to not speak had apparently expired with Sirius’ last order.

“Shut up!� Sirius turned to the others. “Moody, what’s the best way to get there?�

While Moody explained, Remus turned to back the house-elf, who was lurking in the shadows nearby. “Kreacher?�

The elf, who had been directly ordered some time ago to obey Remus, turned reluctantly. “And now the werewolf, the unclean –�

Remus cut him off again. “Kreacher, the other two with Harry are Neville Longbottom and Luna Lovegood. Remember that, Neville and Luna.�

“Remus, hurry up!�

*

Behind the empty building they used as an Apparition point, Kingsley explained quickly, “We’re going to try to Apparate directly into the atrium of the Ministry. It’s dangerous, but with luck, there won’t be anyone there. If the anti-Apparition guards are up as they should be at this time of night, we’ll land outside the visitor’s entrance.�

They managed it, but the fact that they did was in itself worrisome. If the guards were down, then anyone could get in; probably they already had. Sirius glanced wildly around as though Harry would be standing right there. He actually jumped when Tonks tapped him on the shoulder.

Kingsley managed to silence the cool voice that resided in the elevator. Moody stood at the front of the group, his magical eye spinning wildly.

Remus had only been to the Ministry once, a long time ago, to be registered with the Werewolf Department. He had been very young then and had only a vague recollection of shame and anger. This was entirely different.

Moody insisted on leading; Kingsley came right behind. The other three walked abreast, Remus and Tonks casting wary glances at Sirius, waiting for an explosion.

The corridor was long and dark. One plain door stood at the end.

Moody turned around, his scarred hand on the doorknob, his magical eye still pointing to the door. “There are twelve doors in this room and it spins so you can’t tell where you’re going. Constant vigilance.�

The door slammed shut almost before Tonks was completely inside. Even before the revolving walls were completely still, four of them headed for one side of the room, where shouts could be heard.

“No! Over here!� Moody gestured urgently. “This one.� He was holding a door that seemed to open into complete darkness. “Get in!�

They piled into a room with no floor, lit only by tiny points of light. Tonks had the odd impression that they were stars, and then they were standing before a series of doors, Moody rapping out instructions. “They’re in the amphitheatre. Shacklebolt, Sirius, with me; Lupin, Tonks, take that door there. On three –�

Someone inside screamed, a terrifying sound that went on and on. Tonks’ heart leapt up to three times its normal rate. Moody called softly, urgently.

“One –�

Adrenaline coursed through her body, making her hands shake. She gripped her wand tightly in her right hand to stop the shaking; unconsciously, she tried to run through her left hand through her hair, bumping Remus’ arm by accident.

“Two –�

Remus took her chilly hand in his for the briefest of moments. Tonks’ rapid heartbeat stopped entirely.

“Three!�

All five shoved, the doors flew open, and Tonks saw Lucius Malfoy directly below her. “Stupefy!�

To her disappointment, he dodged, and then the air was filled with spells.


Remus made straight for Harry and Neville, but someone aimed a curse at him and he turned to duel with the masked figure. It looked as though Sirius was close to Harry; if Sirius could get to him –

Remus’s opponent dropped, felled by a Total Body-Bind. Remus took a precious second to shoot binding ropes around him; then a flash of neon pink caught Remus’s eye. Tonks had only made her way about halfway down the stone steps, probably trying not to trip. Bellatrix was a couple of steps from the bottom. She shrieked something that Remus didn’t recognise—a dull grey jet shot glittering from her wand—Tonks dodged—the grey spell bounced off the wall behind and hit Tonks right at the base of her skull. She jerked forward and fell, tumbling down the steps.

Remus raced towards her, but Sirius got there first. Bellatrix’s scream of delight was lost in the mêlée.

Hexes, spells, curses, a blur of coloured lights, a flurry of screams, the shout of an adolescent boy with a broken nose. “DUBBLEDORE!�

Remus’ latest opponent left the duel to scramble up the steps to the nearest door. Remus had a hex on his lips when something yanked the Death Eater back to the centre of the room where several others stood, fighting invisible bonds.

He heard Sirius’ last shout. “Come on, you can do better than that!�

Remus would always wonder if Sirius’ last taunt had really spurred his cousin to greater heights, or if he had been slower to respond to her curse because of it, or if Bellatrix had simply gotten lucky. Whatever the reason, Remus knew that he couldn’t reach his best friend in time. He saw the light hit Sirius’s chest, saw his eyes fill with fear, anger, surprise, but Remus knew he was too late. Even as he dashed down to the platform, he knew. Instead of catching Sirius, he was just barely in time to throw an arm around Harry, who was running straight at the veil.

“Sirius! Sirius!�

“There’s nothing you can do, Harry!�

“He hasn’t gone! SIRIUS!�

“He can’t come back, Harry, he can’t come back, because he’s d—�

The word caught in his throat, but the rest would have been lost anyway under Harry’s cries and the flying incantations as the Aurors closed on Bellatrix. Remus dug his heels in and braced himself. If Harry made it to that veil, Remus had no doubt that he would do as any of the Marauders would have done, throwing himself in to find his godfather.

Gradually, Harry’s struggles slowed. Remus’ arms ached almost as much as his throat. A voice called tentatively as though from very far away.

“Harry?� Neville had made his way down the tiers to the floor by Harry and Remus, despite his flailing legs.

“Here.� Automatically, Remus lifted his wand and removed the spell from Neville. “Let’s – let’s find the others. Where are they all, Neville?� The words moved sluggishly. Remus had to force them out.

The Marauders were gone. The Marauder spirit had died in Remus when Sirius was carted off to Azkaban, but had woken again with his best friend’s arrival. Now it was only him, the least of the Marauders. It was over. No time for recriminations. No time for regret. Not now. Save it for later.

The other half of his mind sneered. For never.

The first part answered soberly. For always.

Remus shoved thought away, pulling himself back to Neville with an effort.

“…a brain addacked Ron bud I dink he’s all righd – and Herbione’s unconscious, bud we could feel a bulse –�

Someone cried out. Remus whirled to see Bellatrix running. Instinctively, he tried to tighten his hold on Harry’s arm, but the boy had already leaped away. “She killed Sirius! She killed him! I’LL KILL HER!�

Harry disappeared through one of many doorways. Remus raced to follow, but Dumbledore seized his shoulder. “Remus! I’ll get him. You get the other children back to Hogwarts, you hear?� He barely waited for Remus’ reluctant nod. “I don’t want the Ministry knowing they were here yet. Stay in the infirmary with them until I get there.� Louder, he called, “Kingsley, Alastor, wait for the Ministry to come and take the Death Eaters into custody, then get to St. Mungo’s immediately. Nymphadora must be taken care of.�

With that, he leaped up the steps much faster than either Bellatrix or Harry had gone. Remus turned to Neville. “We need to get out of here. Where did you say the others were?�

As they scrambled through the door Neville had pointed out, someone gasped. Remus saw Ginny’s pale face tighten a moment before she dropped her wand. “Professor? Neville!� She sat off to the side against the opposite wall, obviously positioned to hex any Death Eaters that might appear. “Where’s Harry?�

Someone moved to Remus’s left. Luna sat crouched in front of two still forms. Ron Weasley was covered in strands of a gooey something; Hermione lay ominously still. Luna looked up, her face strained but calm. “Professor, can you help them?�

Remus knelt next to Ron. “What happened?�

Ginny answered in a voice rather tighter than usual. “Death Eaters. Where’s Harry?�

Whatever was wrapped around Ron seemed to be inert, at least. Remus rose. “Let’s get you back to Hogwarts. I’ll tell you when we get there.� The cynical half of his mind made noted coolly how well he was functioning, even as it clamped down on the other half to keep it from screaming in grief.

Neville tried to explain what had happened as Remus gathered them around him. In a few minutes, Ginny had an arm around Luna, Neville carried Hermione, and Remus had Ron held in the air with magic. Remus wrapped his fingers around a fire-bright feather and stretched his arm out. Luna and Neville reached over to clasp his sleeve, and the group whirled and vanished in a swirl of colour.

Transport by phoenix, even by phoenix feather, was much smoother than by Portkey. Shapes and colours swirled by and halted abruptly. They stood in the centre of the infirmary.

Madam Pomfrey hurried over. “Remus! What on earth?�

“Not now, Poppy. Professor Dumbledore will be here to explain in a moment.�

Ginny tried to hop away and collapsed on the nearest bed with a little cry of pain, quickly stifled. Remus set Ron down on another bed in time to hear Ginny gasp and Neville yelp. Remus turned to find Neville clutching his mending nose and Ginny carefully rotating her foot.

Those who could walk – which now included Ginny – anxiously hovered between the two who could not.

“Remus, what happened to these two?�

Neville answered clearly, despite the way he winced as he gingerly prodded his nose. “Ron – it was a brain. It sort of flew at him, it had these long tentacley things that – they sort of spun pictures behind them, and then they started strangling him. Hermione got hit with something purple. She Silenced the – the man, but he used nonverbal magic, slashed at her with purple fire.�

Madam Pomfrey hissed. “Dark magic. What were you children doing near such things?� Luckily, she did not stop for hear an answer.

Once they had been assured multiple times that there was nothing they could do to help, and warned that they might find themselves restricted to the dormitories if they did not stay out of the way, the other three clustered around Remus.

“Professor, what happened?�

“How did you get to the Ministry?�

“Where’s Harry?�

Remus sat down on one of the beds, a safe distance from where the infirmary keeper tended to the wounded students, and the others sat on the bed across from him. “You understand that this must go no further than this room. It would be best if you did not discuss it even among yourselves.� All three nodded. Though only Ginny was actually allowed to know a very little of what had happened, Remus decided that they all deserved it after what they had done. He knew that all of them would keep their word as though they had sworn it.

Carefully, he sketched out the main events of the night. How Professor Snape had warned the five of them that the students had run off. How they had rushed to the Ministry. How they had found Neville and Harry. How they had fought, how Dumbledore had come and Harry had run after Bellatrix and he, Remus, had gone with Neville to find the others. Remus paused, finding it terribly difficult to go on with the last, necessary part of the story, which he had skipped over. Neville looked at him but said nothing. Ginny had no such compunctions.

“Professor Lupin, where is Harry?�

Remus had guessed Ginny’s feelings for Harry in his first week of teaching her. The wild pleading in her eyes told him that those feelings had not changed. Grown stronger, perhaps, but not changed.

Remus answered slowly, “Professor Dumbledore went after him. Harry will be fine.�

Ginny looked as though she might rebel, but upon meeting Remus’s look, she held her tongue. “Is everyone else all right?�

Remus had to swallow hard. “Tonks, Kingsley, and Moody will be all right. You…you saw that archway, and the veil? Bellatrix Lestrange dueled Sirius…she knocked him through the veil. He’s – he’s gone.� Dead did not seem the word to use. Sirius was alive, Sirius was energetic. Dead was too sudden, too final.

“What?� Ginny actually swayed slightly on her seat. “Sirius…he…he.…� Her face crumpled and her hands clenched, though no tears showed. Luna put a comforting arm around her friend; very hesitantly, Neville did the same.

The door opened before Remus could break down with his students. Professor Dumbledore strode in, nodded to them, and held a quick conversation with Madam Pomfrey before seating himself next to Remus.

“Thank you all for leaving as I asked; I know you would have preferred to stay and fight. Before you ask, Harry is unharmed. He will be here soon.

“Remus, I need to ask you to go to St. Mungo’s and stay with Nymphadora. Alastor and Kingsley should be released later today, but Nymphadora will have to stay for a few days. I do not want her to be alone.�

*

Remus arrived at St. Mungo’s with the dawn. The three Aurors had a private room. Tonks had been fed potions to keep her asleep; the other two refused to lie down and sat on their beds instead, wands in hand.

The men were discharged in the afternoon. They promised to visit, but Remus didn’t hold it against them that they only came once. There was a great deal to be done now that the Ministry had finally admitted the fact of Voldemort’s return. Molly Weasley brought Remus’s battered suitcase with most of his things; Headquarters was to be vacated for a time. Various members of the Order and most of the Weasley family dropped in and out.

But as the sun faded and the visitors were ushered out, Remus was left alone with Tonks. It was his duty to sit with her, and not an unpleasant one. There was a great deal of peace in listening to her slow, deep breathing. Under a stream of fading sunlight from the one small window, Remus waited.


*****

A/N: All quotes from OotP, Ch. 35 and 36, American hardback.

Many thanks to those whose constructive criticism helped in the second (and third) editions of this chapter--and to a reader who pointed out that in attempting to edit Chapter 5, I had accidentally inserted Chapter 7 instead.

Feedback is appreciated, compliments are lovely, and constructive criticism makes the world go 'round!

*****


Remus slumped in a chintz armchair near Dumbledore’s desk. It was only two and a half days since Sirius had died in the Department of Mysteries. This was the first day that Tonks had been out of St. Mungo’s, and Remus with her.

Tonks sat curled up in the chair next to Remus. Her hair was the same mousy brown that it had been upon her release from the hospital. Physically, she felt better, but she had not tried to change her hair colour. It seemed horrible to even think about playing with her hair. Especially when she might have been able to prevent the event that had led to her current appearance.

Dumbledore surveyed them from behind his half-moon glasses, his eyes sombre. “I am glad that both of you seem to be fully recovered. I thank you for being willing to come straight here from St. Mungo’s.�

Neither of the others said anything. Tonks hugged her knees to her chest, looking oddly childlike and vulnerable. Remus stared at the desk under Dumbledore’s hands, the wood smooth and dark with age.

Dumbledore continued, “I know that the rest of the Order filled you in on what went on in our last meeting, so you know that we are vacating Grimmauld Place. Remus, since you were living there, I would like to offer you a home here at Hogwarts, at least temporarily. You would have your old rooms in the staff wing, if you wish, or another place if you should so desire.�

The unexpected kindness made Remus’ eyes sting. “Thank you, Professor. I appreciate that.� His year teaching at Hogwarts had been one of the best of his life. He had given up his small, shabby apartment to live at Grimmauld Place, and had neither the money nor the desire to find another. “I – thank you.� Dumbledore nodded gravely. They both knew what Remus couldn’t say.

Tonks heard the exchange as from a distance. The vague thought occurred that Dumbledore had never failed to anticipate need, as far as she had seen. Except, of course, for not realising that Harry would need to know about the prophecy.

“The majority of the Order will be going there shortly to help the Weasleys pack, as they are returning to the Burrow. If it is convenient, Remus, now would be the best time to collect your own things, and you too, Nymphadora, if there is anything you may have kept at the house.�

If it is convenient. Remus had absolutely nothing to do until his next assignment and, since Dumbledore was the assignment giver, he knew as well. Remus spent a few seconds marvelling at the headmaster’s civility before he thought of something else. His voice was hoarser than usual when he asked, “What about Kreacher?�

Tonks’ eyes flashed. Remus, looking over at her, saw in that flash the force of will usually hidden behind her quirky nature. It was a core of iron that had made her an Auror against the odds, a core that had released her a day earlier than the Healers had predicted. It was something he had admired since he had caught her watching him silently from her hospital bed. He had recognised in that intense gaze a whole different person, a woman who was deeply committed to anything she cared for.

“I have shut him in the attic,� Dumbledore replied, “with enough enchantments to ensure that he stays there. Since I believe the attic was not being used, it should not inconvenience anyone.�

He waited for a few minutes while the two absorbed the fact of Kreacher’s imprisonment. The headmaster reflected that they looked oddly alike at that moment, with brown eyes that held the same unhappy expression.

“As I was saying, both of you are suffering a certain amount of survivor’s guilt. I wish to impress upon you that what happened in the Department of Mysteries is not your fault.�

Tonks did not move. We heard this before…it’s doesn’t matter. If I had been quicker, I could Stunned her. Five more minutes would have kept her from killing Sirius. Two more.

“The largest part of the blame, at least, lies on my own shoulders,� Dumbledore continued. “If I had warned Harry beforehand that Voldemort might try to get him to the Hall of Prophecy, might use his godfather as bait, then none of this might have happened. There is no guarantee that something else might not have occurred, but I wish you to know that you did all that you could and nothing less.�

Remus looked up. I suppose so, but still – if I had been able to help him – there’s the chance –

Tonks saw the pain in Remus’s eyes as he thought of Sirius’s body falling backwards through the ragged veil, graceful in dying as he had been in life. That pain hadn’t left since the moment Tonks woke up in St. Mungo’s to see him sitting by her bedside, gazing into space. She had watched him for a few moments, his body slumped, his chin propped on his hand, his grey-streaked hair uncombed. When she shifted, he turned and smiled at her, really smiled – until she asked about the battle. His eyes had clouded over with grief, and had not changed since.

“Sirius would have agreed that both of you did everything you could. He would also have wished you to spend your time not mourning him, but working to defeat Voldemort.�

Just because it’s true doesn’t make it any easier.

“Now, the rest of the Order, and the Weasleys, are waiting. If you are ready…?�

Remus nodded and stood up. Tonks got up more slowly. Remus held the door for Tonks, who forgot to thank him, but he didn’t seem to notice. Both the door-holding and the walking through appeared to be entirely automatic. Watching them, Dumbledore shook his head soberly before following them out the door.

***

The rest of the Order was waiting in an empty classroom nearby as Dumbledore, Remus and Tonks came down from his office. Dumbledore’s light blue eyes skimmed over the small crowd, counting. He pulled a handsome red-and-gold feather from inside his cloak and waved his right hand over it, eyes closed in concentration. “Ah, here we are. Everyone –�

Tonks found herself on the outside. She reached for the feather, but was blocked by the mass of people. She tapped the nearest person – Remus – on the shoulder. Seeing her, he moved over so she could get into the circle.

Remus watched Tonks closely. Dumbledore’s words on survivor’s guilt had sunk in and made him feel slightly better, but also more aware of how Tonks was suffering. Remus looked down at Tonks as she stood there with her fingers laid lightly on the feather and saw for the first time how messy her hair was. It looked as if it hadn’t been brushed for two days, never mind the colour. When she glanced at Dumbledore, Remus saw that her face was pale and her eyes bloodshot, though she had not yet cried. His natural compassion rose up as the Portkey yanked them away in a swirl of colour.

Most of the Order had travelled by Portkey before, so the landing shouldn’t have been a shock. Tonks staggered anyway and fell into Remus, who lurched under her unexpected weight and tripped. Next to him, Moody braced himself and just managed to keep the entire circle from falling to the floor.

“I – I’m sorry –� Tonks pulled herself upright. “I’m so sorry –�

“Don’t be, girl,� Moody growled. “Portkeys do that to me, too.�

Remus cast a sideways glance at Moody, surprised by the kindly note in the growl, but Moody was already off, doing his usual checks for hidden traps or Death Eaters. Remus turned back to the woman beside him, who was staring around vaguely. “Tonks?�

She cocked her head, looking up with puzzled eyes, as if she wasn’t entirely sure what she was doing there. “Tonks, why don’t you go help Molly?�

She nodded obediently and set off in the direction of the kitchen. Remus looked around as she left, taking in the curtained portraits, the grand staircase, the house that Sirius had hated and that now seemed stamped with his presence. Remus headed slowly to the first floor, where his room was.

There wasn’t much left to clean up. Remus was not a packrat, and poverty had helped keep his possessions to the minimum. He moved slowly, pulling a battered suitcase from under the bed that read, in peeling gold lettering, Professor R. J. Lupin. He stared at it. The year Sirius came back…the year I met Harry…the best year of my adult life. And now he’s gone.

Remus shook his head and pulled open the wardrobe, tapping one of the shabby robes with his wand. It flew into the suitcase, folding itself as it did so. Remus grimaced and began methodically refolding it.

There was a knock on the door. “Enter,� Remus called, still folding. Tonks walked in and greeted him with her usual, “Wotcher, Remus,� but her voice lacked enthusiasm. She sat down on the bed and watched him silently for a moment. “Why don’t you use magic?�

“I used to,� Remus answered wryly, “but I can’t get them to fold quite right. They crease if I don’t do it this way.�

Tonks smiled wanly. “Did Harry tell you how I packed for him when we left his aunt and uncle’s last summer? I got everything in okay, but that’s about all I can say for it. He was probably pulling underwear out of his cauldron and socks off his scales.�

A peaceful silence followed as Remus moved quietly about the room, collecting his things. Somehow, Tonks realised, sitting here on the end of Remus’s bed was comforting. Perhaps it was that no one was trying to console her. Perhaps it was knowing that they were the two who had lost the most. His quiet presence did more for her than all of Dumbledore’s wisdom.

“Can I help?�

Remus looked over at Tonks, who was now poking at the bedcovers. “No thanks, I’ve just finished, actually.�

She leaned over and picked up a photograph. “This picture – this is you, isn’t it? And that’s James – he looks just like Harry.� Remus looked. There were himself, Sirius, and James. He recognised the Potter house in the background. It was high summer, all three dressed in Muggle clothing, himself laughing as Sirius and James wrestled, trying to escape the picture as Sirius dragged him into the fight, still laughing.

The lump that had been in his throat since they entered the house seemed to have grown suddenly bigger. He swallowed and said with an effort, “That – that was the summer before our seventh year, Mr. Potter took it. We were all spending the summer at the Potters’, they were old Wizarding blood and had a huge house –�

They both looked at it for a few moments in silence. Tonks silently handed the picture over, watching as Remus tucked in safely inside the suitcase. He held the door open for her as they left.

Remus placed his suitcase in the entry where two Weasley bags stood. From the sounds drifting down the staircase, the rest of the Order was upstairs helping the Weasleys search for various missing items.

Remus considered offering his own services until he actually heard someone laughing. That decided him. He headed for the kitchen instead. Tonks drifted alongside.

The kitchen was fairly clean. It looked as though Molly had already cleaned up quite thoroughly. Remus rummaged till he found a kettle, set it on the table, and tapped it so that steam started sputtering out the spout. Tonks was still standing, looking lost. “Tonks?�

She jumped. “Oh, sorry Remus, what?�

“Tea?�

She nodded numbly. He took down two mugs and sat down next to her on the long bench, filling the cups with hot water and adding a teabag each. Tonks reached for hers with a shaking hand, downed half her steaming water in one gulp, set the mug down, and pushed it away again. When she raised her head again, she stiffened, looking at something by the stove.

“What is it?�

Tonks reached out a shaky hand. “Accio picture!� A moving photograph in a silver frame zoomed towards her. Remus looked over curiously. It was a copy of the same photo he had just packed in his suitcase.

“Peter was there when we took this.� Remus thought of those black days when the Marauders had feared each other almost more than they had feared Voldemort. The photograph had been, and still was, a good reflection of the times. He had watched as the boys crept in, cast suspicious, black-and-white glances at each other and crept back out. Then James and Lily died, and we chased Sirius out of the photo… Two years ago, Peter had left and Sirius had returned.

He heard a muffled noise. Tonks was rocking back and forth, her face buried in her hands. Without thinking, Remus put his arm around her. Tonks flung her arms around his neck, sobbing into his shoulder. Remus held her tightly, watching the tiny figures inside the frame.

Why am I the last one? We always thought it would the four of us, back-to-back, going down fighting… we never thought it would end any other way –

At last, he let himself go, crying quiet tears for Sirius, for James, for Peter too, for what should have been and what wasn’t, for the girl crying her heart out on his shoulder. For himself, left alone. Tonks tightened her hold as she felt his shoulders begin to shake.

How they held each other, her tears slowly soaking his shirt, his own tears dripping onto her hair, he never knew. He did know that he stopped crying a few minutes before she did. Eventually her sobs slowed and she sat up straight, swiping at her eyes. “Thanks for letting me get you all wet, Remus.�

He pulled out a handkerchief and offered it to her. “You’re welcome.�

Tonks laughed weakly. “Isn’t it a little late for this?� A last sob broke through her laughter, but she swallowed it and applied the handkerchief to her face.

Remus took the damp square back. “I forgot I had it.� He studied her face, now blotchy from the past ten – fifteen? thirty?– minutes. “You may want to tidy up a bit before we leave.�

Tonks sighed. “I forgot there was anyone else here. Thanks.� She stood slowly. “Remus –�

“Yes?�

Tonks opened her mouth, shut it, opened it again and said awkwardly, “Thanks. I mean, it really helped. No one else quite knows what it’s like, losing him.�

Remus felt his eyes go moist again. “I know.�

She disappeared through the doorway. Remus slumped, tired out by the unaccustomed force of emotion, and maybe something else.

“Remus?� Tonks had put her head back into the kitchen.

“Yes?�

Tonks bit her lip in a way that reminded Remus of one of his students caught talking in class. “I was wondering – since you already have one – can I have that picture?�

Remus looked at the object in question, lying on the table, at the three laughing people inside. “Sirius would have liked that.�

He stood, holding it out. She came to take it and he paused, his hand holding to the other side. Their eyes met. The corner of his mouth twisted, not in laughter but in a kind of pleading sympathy.

It will be well.

Tonks smiled through her tears, her first real smile since the Ministry. Remus released the picture to stand alone in the kitchen as she vanished.

*****

Chapter 7: Point of View



Tonks lay on her bed, listening to the rustle of leaves outside her second-story flat. The light played across limp brown hair and an unusually sombre expression.

Today marked one week since her cousin had died. It was still terribly difficult to understand. She felt at times as if she could almost see him, that he would saunter around a corner any moment with a bark-like laugh and a bear-like hug. Other days, she felt as though everything she knew about him was fading, and she cried for the fear that she would forget him. Only rarely did she cry because he had no more time on earth; much more often, she cried for herself, and the others who had to struggle on without him.

But today, Tonks was quiet. She had managed to pull her thoughts away from her cousin to other things. Tomorrow, she, Remus, and Mad-Eye were going with the elder Weasleys to King’s Cross to meet Harry, Hermione, Ron, and Ginny. It had been Remus’s idea.

“It’s a security precaution. With Voldemort back, we need to be even more careful of Harry and the other children than before. And I think it would make Harry feel better....�

His words had trailed off into one of those silences in which everyone thought of Sirius, though no one said anything. It had been happening a lot recently.

So Tonks had practiced changing her hair colour and turning tear-streaked cheeks to a normal, healthy glow. The changes faded after a few hours – normally, she could go for days without thinking about how her hair stayed pink – but she was glad that she could manage that much. Her power, while impressive, was also sensitive to her emotions. The greater the emotion, the harder her appearance became to control.

*

Remus sat by the Hogwarts lake, savouring the calm. The students had left that morning, and Remus had dared come outside for the first time since he had moved back into his old teaching quarters.

He and Professor Dumbledore had had a private talk, in which they had agreed that it would be “better for the students if they did not know that an extra adult was staying at the castle�. The headmaster was too polite to say what Remus thought, that it would cause havoc for the werewolf teacher to be back among the students. In any case, Remus spent most of his time doing small jobs that fell under the heading of “Order business�, and very little at the school.

He had seen Harry earlier in the week, wandering from the direction of Hagrid’s hut. The boy had sat down and not moved until past nightfall. Heart aching, Remus watched until Harry finally went inside.

“Albus, why is it necessary that I stay away from Harry?�

Dumbledore sighed. “There is so much for him to digest right now. He needs to begin the healing process alone, to learn to grieve.

“I know how much you want to help. However, I believe that in this case, we must let him alone. I will bring him back to the Burrow very soon; we will all help him then.�

So Remus had held his tongue and waited. Watching Harry made him think, of course, of Sirius, and the other people who were now without him. Harry…himself…Tonks. Poor Tonks – she had found her long-lost cousin only to lose him barely a year later.

Had it really been that long?

The first time he met her had been typical Tonks – she fell over that umbrella stand in Grimmauld Place. It was strange to think how he had been so unsure of her then. Since that day, they had become firm friends. Her sense of humour, like Sirius’s, played off his own well, but she also had a great deal of common sense, which made her refreshing to be around.

She’s a wonderful woman.

There was something odd about that thought. Remus paused.

A moment later, he was striding towards the Headmaster’s office with a strong sense of relief. He had an appointment to keep and no time to waste in overanalysing his own thoughts.


*

The door creaked innocently. Tonks whipped around. There was one other problem to keeping her hair colour straight, and its name was Remus Lupin.

Her fancy for Remus had only grown stronger over the past months, especially after she helped him recover from a transformation. Tonks had begun to wonder if she should speak up, but Sirius’s death had thrown any semblance of such a plan out of the picture.

So now she was faced with fancying her good friend, who had also been the best friend of her recently murdered cousin, whom she herself had cared for deeply. Or, if she looked at it another way, she had to deal with the fact that her grief for Sirius was hopelessly tangled with romantic feelings for Remus, who had been such a part of helping her let go of Sirius. And what would Sirius himself have said? What if he would have disapproved? Would she betray her cousin by pursuing Remus?

Even more frightening, what if Sirius would have approved?

Was it silly to think like that?

She was nearly sure that it was, but that didn’t stop the same thoughts from running a well-travelled circle in her brain as she watched the unmoving door.

*

Tonks was already there when Remus arrived, though no one else was. For the first time since the hospital, her hair was bubble-gum pink. She even attempted a joke.

“Wotcher, Remus. I haven’t seen you in ages.�

It was a feeble imitation of her usual light manner, but Remus appreciated it all the more for its difficulty – though in an odd way, he felt that what she had said was true. “Hello, Tonks. How have you been doing?�

It was a simple question on the surface, but as her dark eyes met his lighter ones, Remus thought with a jolt of the half hour in Grimmauld Place when he had held her while she cried – no, when they had held each other while they cried. It was easy to see that the same thoughts were in her mind.

Long before the two had finished staring at each other, Professor Dumbledore appeared in the door. “Ah, Remus, Nymphadora, are you ready? You will be Flooing to the station…�

The tableau shattered. Remus turned to face the Headmaster in a futile attempt to pay attention. Tonks fixed her gaze on a silvery knickknack on the desk, employing all of her concentration to keep her face its normal colour.

*

Tonks felt her heart drop a bit more when she saw Harry, Hermione, Ginny, and Ron. Harry looked as sad as she felt, and the others looked rather pale and a bit grim. That changed when they spotted the welcoming committee. Somehow, Molly managed to be the first to greet all four children.

Harry looked happy to see them, though a little bewildered. “I didn’t expect…what are you all doing here?�

Remus smiled a little. “Well, we thought we might have a little chat with your aunt and uncle before letting them take you home.�

Harry was clearly alarmed at the idea, but in the end, Tonks thought it went quite well. Harry was actually grinning as he led his “family� off.

Tonks turned back to the Grangers and the Weasleys in time to see Hermione give Ron a very quick, awkward hug goodbye. Their obvious, hesitant feelings for each other brought tears to Tonks’ eyes.

Remus noticed, of course. “Are you all right?�

She nodded; what else could she do? “I’m – a little tired. I think I should go home, rest a bit.�

He looked concerned. “Should I come with you? Make sure you get home in one piece?�

She should have argued, but she didn’t have the strength or the will for it. And she didn’t want to. “If you want to.�

So they Apparated together to her building, which contained four floors of Wizarding flats, and walked up the stairs together. Remus opened her door after she unlocked it, but did not enter. “Good bye, Tonks.�

She smiled at him, her first real smile in a week. “Good bye, Remus.�

Something flickered in his eyes, but he said nothing. She heard the small pop of his Disapparition only after she had shut and locked the door.

*

How he got back to Hogwarts after dropping Tonks off, Remus could not have said. He paced restlessly, neither knowing nor caring how long he walked.

He had known that something was strange for a while, but had not realised what it was. Had he not permitted himself to know? No, there had been no reason to suspect. She was a friend, his best friend’s cousin, something like a sister. Had been.

The symptoms were all there: the way he laughed more when she was around; the way they seemed to be able to read each others’ minds at times; how comfortable he had been with telling her about his lycanthropy, not to mention the way they had comforted each other after Sirius died. But that smile, outside her door –

He had felt as though he stood on a railroad track, and when she smiled, his stomach flipped over, right before the freight train hit him.

Remus flopped to the sofa and buried his face in his hands. How could he have been so idiotic as to fall head over heels in love?

The pose only lasted for a moment. Remus stood and strode impatiently to the window, staring through the night as rain began to beat a heavy tattoo on the glass.

*

Tonks sat alone again, thinking of the man who had just left. He had smiled when they arrived on the platform and saw the teenagers.

Remus smiled a lot, but his happiest smiles were infrequent. Tonks had seen them when he watched the teenagers joke and horse around; when they sat with the Weasley family at tea; when Sirius punched his arm and laughed about old times.

She loved Remus’ smile. In it was hope, real love, and light bright enough to light up a room. Bright enough to warm the depths of her heart in ways she had not realised were even possible.

She wished he would smile at her that way.

Her mind wandered to when the Order had retrieved Harry from his Muggle aunt and uncle. She had tripped, of course, and Remus had caught her. For a moment, the warm pressure of his hands held her tight.

How many times since then had she dreamed of him holding her again?

*

It wasn’t just that she accepted him, of course. Other women had accepted him, once they got to know him. But Tonks –

It was the cheeky grin she wore when she teased him, the mock-seriousness that charmed so effortlessly. It was the deep love that showed when she talked about her parents. She could break anything in the kitchen just by touching it, but she still loved to help in any way she could. It was the easy acceptance she extended to everyone, not just himself. The determination that shone in her eyes at Order meetings – the same determination he had seen in St. Mungo’s. It was the maturity of her character; her ready delight in the world.

He had foolishly thought – or deluded himself into thinking – that he was no longer vulnerable to the powerful, unpredictable thing that was love.

Looking back at that, he was appalled to realise how much it sounded like something that Severus would have said; Severus, who had long ago fulfilled the prediction that was his name and sliced ties with all but the weakest emotions.

How often had Remus watched his colleague, embittered by constant strain on mind and body, and been thankful that he himself was not like that?

Not, of course, that it was any better to merely pretend that he was.

*

Clearly, wishing would do no good. She would tell him…no, she wouldn’t. He probably wouldn’t return her feelings. But surely he had the right to know – or was that what people said when they wanted to be selfish? And if he didn’t feel the same way, it could completely kill their friendship.

But if she wanted a chance at happiness…and there was always a chance.

She would tell him after the next Order meeting, in a few days.

Satisfied, she flopped into bed and quickly fell asleep, curled into a warm, contented ball.

*

Remus was pacing again.

Now what?

Declare his love for the girl? If he told her, she would be not only embarrassed, but trapped – as members of the Order, they would be forced to see each other too often for comfort. Not to mention that he was almost fifteen years older, dirt poor with no prospects, and a werewolf.

There was always the chance that she returned his feelings. The thought made his heart leap up, but he shoved it roughly down. He had never so much asked her out for a drink or flirted with her – at least, not deliberately – so she had no reason to believe that he had any romantic feelings for her, and there was no reason for her to have feelings for him. Besides, it would change their friendship at the least; destroy it at the worst. Remus had too few friends to want to risk them that easily.

The best thing he could do would be to act as if nothing had happened. He would treat her as he always had, as much as he could, but he would take care not to show anything.

It would be hard, but he had done similar things in the past. The young faces of his Hogwarts companions, leaning over his hospital bed, confused and scared, swam to the surface. He pushed them away. Then, as now, he had done what he thought was best – only this time, there was really nothing to be done. There would be no magic solution.

Remus flopped onto his sofa with a frustrated sigh. He stared into the dark a long time before sleep came.



*****

A/N: I’m sorry, as always, that this chapter was so long in coming. I had some problems writing it, of course, and then some beta issues. The end effect is that this hasn’t actually been beta’ed, so I really would appreciate random spelling/grammar errors that I’ve missed. A big thank-you must go to Delaney (callmehermione) for catching a load of said errors on the first go.

I hope you enjoyed it! Please review; praise, constructive criticism all welcome; my favourites are the really long, thoughtful ones, but if you don’t have time, leave a short one anyway! Reviews honestly are the biggest thing that keeps me going, knowing that other people want to find out what happens as much as I do!

* * * * *

Chapter 8: Truth, Tea, and Butterflies



“Remus – can I talk to you?�

“Of course.� He followed Tonks out into the Weasleys’ overgrown backyard, now green with the full-blown summer. “You don’t have to ask, you know.�

His gentle teasing caused her stomach to tighten another notch. What if he says no?

Then he says no. You’ll live.

Despite this bit of impeccable logic, Tonks mentally touched her hair, checking to make sure that it was still in its sky-blue pixie cut. Remus waited, leaning on a spindly tree.

Tonks’s voice was slightly higher than usual. She had rehearsed this speech a hundred times, but it had never been the same twice. She cursed her ability to practice for two hours straight without actually pinning down her words. “Er…Remus, I…I, er…I’ve…er….�

Remus grinned a little. “You ‘er’?�

“I…Ifancyyou. And – I was hoping we could – goforadrinkorsomething.�

The small smile on his face froze. For one heart-pounding moment, he looked into her eyes as something flashed across his face, but it was only a moment. Then his face cleared and he was staring over her head.

She bit her lip. Part of her problem with rehearsing this speech was that she kept getting distracted by imagining the scene that was to follow her articulate, sweet, funny, but not needy, revelation. The variations on this scene fell into two basic categories: those that led to a close, happy embrace, and those that did not. This one definitely fit under the latter.


Remus forced his expression into something that was not eager hope, passionate desire or total despair. Any one of these would have been completely appropriate to his feelings and completely wrong for the situation.

He loved her, and here she was threatening to return his feelings! It was exhilarating, terrifying, and altogether impossible. Of all the situations that could have played out, this was the one he had thought of as the least likely –the one he could not afford to allow, and so had pushed from his mind. He berated himself for not coming up with a good answer ahead of time.

The problem with that was that there was the answer he should make, and the answer he desperately wanted to give.

There was a chance that they could be compatible. But there were too many obstacles in the way – compatibility was only one part of a much larger whole.


Despite his care, Remus’s face gave away his answer before he spoke. She used years of control to pull her face into nonchalance before he looked back down.

“I’m sorry, Tonks, but – no thank you. I – didn’t intend to give you the wrong impression --�

She answered too quickly. “That’s fine.�

They stood together for another awkward minute before Tonks turned away. “Well, I’d best go home. Bye.�

She did not wait for an answer, which was good. Remus bit down hard on his lower lip to keep from shouting, “Yes! I’ll go anywhere you want!� and clenched his hands behind his back to keep from striding after her, taking her into his arms and kissing her into next week.

Forgetting to bid good bye to his hosts, Remus turned and Disapparated with a bitter smile. Moony the Sensible strikes again.

*

Tonks walked to the nearest public Floo station, six blocks away, with the vague hope that the exercise would wear her out so she could go to sleep and forget about her disastrous stab at romance.

It didn’t. Oh gods, it’ll be so awkward now. Even if no one else knows, we know, and the Order’ll notice, and then they’ll start whispering behind my back…stupid, stupid, stupid. I should have kept my mouth shut.

*

Unbeknownst to her, Remus’s thoughts were running along a similar vein. I hope we can still be friends; it’d be like death to lose her, especially through something as stupid as awkwardness…especially when I love her….

If we were the same age, I’d still be a werewolf. If I were rich, I’d still be a werewolf. If I wasn’t a werewolf…well, I’d probably have a solid job, but I’d still be older and there’s no guarantee that a relationship wouldn’t just fall through and kill our friendship anyway…

Remus thought of his seventh year at Hogwarts and his last girlfriend. At the time, he had believed love a good reason to risk everything. His ideals had been rudely shattered when, upon receiving the revelation of his lycanthropy, the girl had turned pale and fled the area with tears streaming down her face.

After that, Remus decided that silence was better than a broken heart. It wasn’t entirely a fair comparison – after all, Tonks already knew what he was – but that didn’t change the principle. Love was a dangerous object, and this time the danger wasn’t for himself. If I hurt you, Tonks, I couldn’t live with myself.

*

Tonks discovered, when she reached her little flat, that her hair had fallen straight to her shoulders and was a depressing mousy brown, streaked with a dull, unattractive blue – the colour she had used in her teens when she was upset. Her hair evidently knew a lot more than she told it.

*

Midnight found Remus pacing his beautifully furnished quarters, having worked himself into a state beyond connected thought. Tonks…Sirius…Tonks…me…werewolf…Tonks…beautiful…no!

He picked up a decorative pillow and hurled it full force at a lamp, which shattered on the floor. Remus glared at it, turned on his heel and stomped into his bedroom.

*

Tonks spent the better part of two days lying listlessly in her room. Since it was the weekend, she didn’t have to go to the Ministry. There was an Order meeting, but Tonks sent word that she wasn’t feeling well. She didn’t think she could face Remus so soon after. She knew that she was behaving like an idiotic, love-struck teenager, but she couldn’t bring herself to care very much.

That afternoon, she received an owl from Molly Weasley.


Dear Tonks,

I’m sorry to hear you aren’t feeling well. If I might, I’ll drop by your flat this evening with some hot soup for you. It’s a very nourishing recipe; I make it whenever anyone is ill.

Let me know when I should stop by.

Molly


Tonks smiled. Molly truly was a mother at heart.


Dear Molly,

Thanks for the offer, but would you mind too much if I drop by the Burrow instead? I need company more than I need soup.

Thanks,

Tonks


Predictably, Molly answered almost immediately that that would be perfectly fine. After his three consecutive flights, Tonks had to let Errol rest a while before he was ready to fly back to the Burrow.


Tonks arrived at the Burrow after dinner time, in case anyone from the Order (Remus) had stayed for supper. Molly greeted her effusively.

“Tonks, dear, you look distraught. Is something wrong?�

Her gentle mothering was enough to make tears start to flow down the younger woman’s face. Molly wisely installed her in the kitchen with a large mug of steaming tea and a handkerchief before she asked any more questions.

Tonks finally managed to blurt out, “I…asked Remus…out and he…said…no…and I feel so…stupid!�

Molly bit the inside of her lip. She had wondered when the two of them would realise that there was something besides friendship between them, but this was not exactly what she had hoped for.

Tonks, slightly calmer now, found relief in giving voice to her pain. “I like him so much, Molly! He’s the best friend I’ve ever had and I…ruined it….�

Molly remembered unbidden a scene from a few weeks ago. Tonks had made some joke and Remus had laughed, but as Tonks looked away, Remus looked at her and for a brief moment, dropped his defences. Molly had seen his hope and longing and despair as clearly as if he had shouted it.

“…he doesn’t care for me at all and now I’ve lost him and I wish I’d held my tongue….�

Molly let her cry herself out. Finally, she asked quietly, “What are you going to do now, dear?�

Tonks stared at the mug as though she’d never seen one before. “I don’t know. I wish I had a Time-Turner.�

“A what?�

“Oh – never mind.�

Molly let the girl sit gazing into space for a brief moment, but nudged her out of her reverie before she could start brooding again. “What are you going to do?�

“I need to get away. I think about him all the time and seeing him makes it worse. I can’t let my personal feelings get in the way of Order business. I already fall over everything I come in contact with…if I start getting really distracted, I could kill missions. I could get people killed.�

There was nothing Molly could say to that. Tonks was probably being overly dramatic, but she was right – now was not the time to take unnecessary risks. Hesitantly, she suggested, “Have you asked your mother what she thinks?�

Tonks snorted. “What would I say? ‘Mum, I love an unemployed werewolf thirteen years older than myself who refuses to date me. Be sympathetic and tell me why he should.’�

“Your mother defied Black family law by marrying a Muggle-born. What’s a werewolf to that?�

Tonks looked up in faint surprise. “That’s true. But still – if I talk about Remus, Sirius’ll slip in, and I’m not supposed to talk about Sirius. Besides, it still hurts her to think about him.�

Molly reached across the table to rest a motherly hand on that of the young woman before her. “My dear, I think you should. Remember that Albus is very close to getting Sirius’s name cleared; why not tell her now, before it hits the Prophet and all the other papers? She would rather hear from you. And I’m sure she loves you too much to not have sympathy about Remus.�

Tonks’s face lightened a shade. “Perhaps you’re right. At the least, it would get me away.�

She went on resolutely, “I can spend time with Mum and Dad and then go straight to Hogsmeade to start my next assignment – I won’t even have to come to Order meetings. It’ll be good for throwing suspicion. Kingsley can keep me filled in. With luck, I won’t see Remus for a while.�
Molly had her doubts, but she wisely said nothing. “It’s a good plan, dearie. Just make sure you write, and you’ll visit us sometimes, won’t you?�

Tonks did smile this time. “I will. This place is my second home.�

“I’d be ashamed if you didn’t feel that way. More tea? Your mug’s cold.�

The younger woman relinquished the mug to Molly, who emptied it before pouring fresh tea for her. “It’s never the same, reheated. Fresh is the only way to drink it.�

Tonks’s mind drifted to something Remus had once said. “Molly firmly believes that a good cup of tea can cure any ill. I could probably get a limb cut off and she’d offer me tea.�

Instead of making her laugh, the memory brought new tears to Tonks’s eyes. She accepted the steaming mug mechanically, bowing her head over it to hide her silliness.

A knock sounded at the door, making Molly jump. “Who on earth!�

She hurried to the door. “Who’s there? Declare yourself!�

A moment later, Harry Potter and Professor Dumbledore entered. Tonks smiled rather mechanically, not entirely pleased to have them burst into a private, unduly emotional chat. She stood to go.

Molly caught her by the door, whispering, “Won’t you come see us once before you go?� Louder, she added, “Dear, why not come to dinner at the weekend, Remus and Mad-Eye are coming –?�

Tonks felt herself blush. “No, really, Molly…thanks anyway…Good night, everyone.�

*

Ted and Andromeda Tonks lived in a Wizarding neighbourhood in London to be near Ted’s job. He was one of a very few Wizards who, upon leaving Hogwarts, had returned to a Muggle university and taken up a Muggle career – in his case, weather forecasting for a local television station.

Tonks was greeted with delight.

“Two whole weeks? You’ve not stayed for so long since you left Hogwarts!� With a flick of her wand, Andromeda sent Tonks’s bags up to her room as she ushered her oldest child into the kitchen, gesturing to Ted to bring over the cookie jar.

Tonks hugged her mother. “I was a rebellious kid then, Mum, I needed to be away.�

To her surprise, Andromeda did understand what Tonks herself did not. She told her mother about Remus over a plate of late-night cookies, which was hard, and about Sirius, which was harder. By the time they went to bed, Tonks’s eyes throbbed from crying, but she felt a little better. She hoped that the feeling would last.

Tonks spent the time with her family doing her best to forget about Remus, with mixed success. Her parents refrained, with heroic effort, from asking how she was doing, but instead took her to dinner, rearranged the furniture in her little flat, and otherwise tried to fill her time with anything not related to Remus and the war.

At first, she thought about him constantly. The night of the full moon was the worst. She lay awake that night, wondering if he was adding to the scars already marking his body. Over time, she thought of him very slightly less, though with no fewer pangs of the heart.

When the end of her time with the family arrived, she moved into a room in The Three Broomsticks. Even with the usual expansion charms on the wardrobe, she had some difficulty fitting everything inside, and the clutter lying all over the floor by the end of the first day warned her that it wouldn’t get any cleaner. Still, she liked the cosy room. Better still, she was cautiously optimistic about Remus – she thought of him fractionally less these days. Surely the feelings would fade and she would recover in time.

The next month was spent exploring every inch of Hogsmeade. She got to know the shopkeepers and the best places to eat, but most of her time was spent with Anthony Proudfoot, Devin Savage, and Bradley Dawlish, the other Aurors stationed in the area. She still didn’t attend Order meetings. Instead, she got her information by stopping in at the Auror offices now and then. As promised, she also dropped by the Burrow once or twice, but only if she knew (courtesy of Kingsley, who pretended not to know why she asked) that Remus was elsewhere.

*

About six weeks after leaving the Burrow, Tonks sat in at the bar of The Three Broomsticks, enjoying a morning cup of tea and a roll. It was Dawlish and Proudfoot’s morning on patrol, and she was more than happy to let them have it. They would all have a lot more to do once Hogwarts started again, but that wouldn’t be for another few days. She yawned, blinking as the sun shone a little more brightly into her corner.


He saw her as soon as he walked in. With the light playing over her straw-blonde hair, she seemed almost to glow.

“Good morning, Tonks. I haven’t seen you in a while.�

Startled, Tonks dropped her roll, which splashed noisily into her teacup. His voice alone filled her stomach with butterflies; looking into his face convinced her that the butterflies had had a go at Rosmerta’s best aged Firewhisky. Her own voice didn’t seem to be working; her reply was the merest squeak.

“Wotcher, Remus.�

* * * * *

“Wotcher, Remus.�

Remus thought that Tonks had surprised herself by speaking. She appeared to have used up her tact by that comment, though – she didn’t often stare as she was doing now.

Her hair was true blonde today and brushed her shoulders. Her eyes were a pretty medium blue, but Remus saw the dark-eyed woman he knew looking through them.

“May I join you?�

She nodded silently. He tried for a natural good-morning expression and was rewarded by her brief smile. Madam Rosmerta arrived to take Remus’s order, allowing both of them a moment to breathe while he asked for a cup of tea.

When he turned back to face Tonks, she grinned, addressing him as though she had seen him the day before. “So, Remus, how’s your summer been?�

The reappearance of her easy manner caught him off-guard. “I – well, I’ve been with – the same group of people I was with last year.� He pulled his thoughts together, sliding into familiar code. “They’ve added a few – friends. I’m afraid that they are still not popular with our mutual acquaintances, but a few of them are showing willingness to let bygones be bygones.�

Tonks nodded casually. Remus knew that behind her polite expression, she was analysing the current situation in the werewolf underground. He wondered idly if she had ever acted on stage.

“Was your summer productive? I heard you were visiting your family?�

Tonks brightened. “It was, and I was. I hadn’t stayed at home for more than a few days since leaving Hogwarts. I got to tell Mum about Sirius – so she didn’t have to find out from the papers.� Her voice fell on the last phrase, coloured with sadness.

There was an uncomfortable pause. Tonks looked up and smiled a little. “Sorry, didn’t mean to make things awkward.� She kept her voice low, but the sadness was gone as quickly as her earlier embarrassment. “My Metamorphosing is getting better. I have almost the same range and stamina that I did before – June.�

She paused. “Would you like to meet for lunch or something and talk a bit more?� A raised eyebrow added, Where we don’t have to use code, please. Remus found himself wishing that she had meant something else.

He shook his head, both to clear his thoughts and in regret. “Not today; I have a…report…to go over with my…associates. Lunch tomorrow?� There was a morning Order meeting; they could eat together after.

She nodded and stood, her smile fully recovered. “Lovely running into you, Remus!� With a wink, she was gone.

Remus didn’t feel entirely ready to stand. It appeared that her revelation of weeks before had not had a terrible impact on her – or any impact at all, for that matter. She seemed almost entirely normal, quite cheerful and perfectly ready to get on with life. That’s what you wanted, isn’t it? For you to not have to keep rejecting her?

It had been rather egotistical to expect that she would still want him. After all, she was very young. Quick recovery was not unsurprising. Just because you fell in love hardly means that her feelings would stay the same. Remus paid for his tea and went on his way, wishing that relief was a stronger emotion. It was too easily overwhelmed -- by heartache, for instance.


He arrived a little early to the next day’s Order meeting, held at the Burrow. No one met him at the door, so he followed muttered voices to the kitchen.

“I’m so sorry, dearie. It didn’t help at all?�

Someone answered Molly, voice muffled. He opened the door but Tonks’s words stopped his own as efficiently as a Silencing Charm.

“…like he’d only just been there. I might as well have seen him every day this summer.�

Tonks and Molly sat at the table, their backs to him. Tonks seemed rather dejected; her hair was neutral brown again, though much better-looking than when she had been unconscious. Her tired, unhappy voice gave away what her hair did not.

“Well, there’s not much to do but keep going, though I must say, I think it’d do the poor man good to get out more. He’s so alone these days.�

Tonks muttered dully, “He’s always been alone.�

“He shouldn’t have to be,� said Molly firmly.

Remus shut the door with rather more care than he’d opened it and leaned against it, trying to collect his wits. Apparently Tonks still had feelings for him.

Apparently? He sneered at his own disbelief. Or she could have held up a neon sign.

Her voice was muffled through the now-closed door. Unconsciously, Remus leaned in until his ear was pressed against it.

“…love him. It’s so stupid. Why can’t two people like each other the same amount or not at all?�

Molly’s soothing murmurs, too quiet to catch. Tonks, agitated and louder.

“I know, I know. Yes, he’s a werewolf. What does that mean? That a few times a year he has to take a vile potion and sleep for a while. I don’t care.�

“…a little more complicated, dear….�

“Those are excuses, not reasons.� A long, defeated sigh. “Except he doesn’t like me, or not much, so it wouldn’t go anywhere anyhow.�

Remus walked back down the hall, trying to rid himself of both guilt and exhilaration. He opened and shut the front door loudly, then called out as he walked to the kitchen, “Molly? Arthur? Is anyone home?�

There was a moment of ringing silence, a sound like smashed china, apologetic murmurs and a slightly exasperated, “Yes, yes, we’re in here!�

Remus entered to find Molly filling a mug for him, and Tonks staring, face flushed, at an empty cup.

The Order trickled in over the next quarter of an hour or so, putting Remus through an interesting trial as he attempted to converse without losing control of his voice, which seemed to want to reflect his wildly conflicting emotions. The meeting itself was not too long; Remus gave a short, basic report and spent the rest of the hour and a half wrestling with his thoughts.

Afterwards, Remus offered to help straighten the meeting room. Two spells later, he looked around and wondered if perhaps Muggles had an idea, putting things in place manually – at the very least, it had to give them time to think while they worked. He sank into a nearby chair, the well-worn argument about the risks of love running through his mind again, and closed his eyes, thankful for the temporary darkness.

“Mind if I sit?�

He nearly swallowed his tongue. “Of – course.�

He heard the creak of chair springs (her favourite armchair, patterned with a well-worn plaid) and tried not to think, not to expect, and certainly not to hope.

After a good five minutes, Remus realised that Tonks hadn’t spoken either. He looked up to see her gaze fixed blankly on the floor. He thought of her cheerful tone of the previous morning and took a deep breath. “Did you have any more questions about the werewolves?�

She raised her head at once. “Well, you answered most of them at the meeting, but there was something….�

Remus heaved an internal sigh as he replied.

It was a very credible conversation, but since Remus had little left to tell, it faltered all too soon. He wondered if it was only his own guilty conscience making him edgy, or if Tonks also wished that someone would pop into the room and break the rigid silence.

He himself was fighting a growing urge to apologise for his refusal at the start of the summer. He had made the right answer (of course he had) and logically, there was nothing more he needed to say.

But, argued his mind, all you said was no. You owe her a decent explanation.

Explanations are dangerous, Remus answered resolutely. There isn’t a good one. All I could say is “I’m sorry�, and I’ve already said that.

So?

To his horror, Remus heard himself blurt, “I’m sorry about – saying no.�

Not only had he broken a firmly logical decision, but he had phrased it more than a little ambiguously, not to mention badly. Tonks looked incredulously at him, but didn’t ask what the apology was for.

“I mean – I’m sorry I had to,� Remus amended. “I am sorry for hurting you.�

“Don’t apologise. I knew you would probably say no.�

“You did?� Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath – that had come out much too quickly. Actually, it shouldn’t have come out at all.

Tonks turned pink, though she answered lightly, “You’ve never exactly made a move on me.�

He laughed, surprising them both. “That’s not my usual modus operandi.�

“What is?�

Blast. She regarded him intently, though with quirked eyebrow.

“I hadn’t really thought to note it down.�

She gave him a real smile. “You’d probably be very sweet and old-fashioned about it. With a Marauder touch.� Then she laughed. “Remus, you’re blushing.�

He was. The phrase she had innocently used conjured a number of memories involving one of his friends hand-in-hand with a girl, smirking at one or more of the others from across the room.

He told her this, which didn’t help his blush, but which made her laugh harder and brought the atmosphere in the room onto a more even keel.

“I can imagine Sirius doing that. He was pretty charming in his good moods.�

They were silent again, thinking of the smirking, lively teenager in the pictures. Most of the photos had been in Remus’s possession, distributed about Grimmauld Place in a valiant effort to make it feel more homey.

“Anyway, I’m sorry,� said Remus quietly.

She shrugged one shoulder. “Like I said, forget it. That’s life.�

“It’s not that I wouldn’t have liked to say yes –� At this point, Remus’s mind caught up with his treacherous tongue. Both organs froze.

“What?�

He shook his head desperately, as though he could take back the words. A strong sense of honesty prevented him from actually doing so.

“Well, why didn’t you? I thought…I thought….�

Remus finally unstuck his tongue. “I…well, I’m a werewolf, for one thing.�

“That’s never changed anything about our friendship.� The emphasis made Remus, if possible, even less comfortable.

“Tonks, I’m sorry I said that – about saying yes, I mean – I didn’t mean to. I can’t date the way most people do, I’m not safe – and I’m nearly fifteen years older than you are – and I couldn’t afford to take you anywhere, come to that – and – well, it’s not plausible, no matter what I feel.�

Worse and worse. Tonks pounced on the last part of the sentence. “What is it that you feel, Remus Lupin?�

He didn’t answer. He couldn’t. He hated dishonesty, partly by nature, partly from being forced to lie on a consistent basis, and so had trained himself never to lie if at all possible. Besides, this was the woman he loved. But to tell the truth would be to wound them both deeply. Instead, he looked away and hated himself for it.

“Remus, please….�

He couldn’t help it. He looked back into her eyes, now filled, he saw, with tears.

“You owe me an honest answer.�

He had given away too much. The answer was, if anything, worse than the not-answer, but there was no way to tell her that without actually answering, and she wouldn’t let the not-answer go.

He thought suddenly of a white-faced James, gazing steadily back at Professor Dumbledore over Remus’s hospital bed, ready to explain why Severus Snape had had to be dragged out of the tunnel below the Whomping Willow on a full moon night.

Throughout the first War, Remus had witnessed a great deal of bravery, but very little that surpassed James’s courage of that night. Remus thought of his old friend and looked straight into the eyes of a friend who had become much, much more.

She repeated the question, as though he might have forgotten it. “What is it that you feel for me, Remus Lupin?�

Slowly, painfully, he answered, “Much too much, Nymphadora Tonks.�

As slowly, he stood, and slowly crossed the room and left it. Behind him, a heartbroken young woman curled into a tight ball in a plaid armchair, mousy brown hair hiding her face as she cried.