Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band (Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band)

(Harry is walking down a dark alleyway, when suddenly, Voldemort and the Death Eaters appear and surround him. Harry draws his wand, expecting a duel, but to his surprise, the Death Eaters produce instruments and begin to play and sing. They insist that Harry listen to their concert and assure him that they will kill him as soon as they’re done performing.)

All Death Eaters:
It was sixteen years ago today
Dark Lord Voldy came to town to play.
He was killin’ them Potters in style
Doin’ what he’d planned for quite awhile.
But Harry Potter had to wreck the scheme we’d planned for years!
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band.

We’re Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band
Though we’re sure by now you know.
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band
Sit back and give in to your foe!
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered, Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered,
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band!

Voldemort:
It’s wonderful to be here,
We’re going to kill you soon
But before we get to that part I would like to sing this tune to you
I’d like to sing this tune!

All Death Eaters:
We don’t really want to stop the show,
But Potter, we think you should know
That we’re gonna sing and have our fun
So don’t try anything until we’re done!
Sit back, relax, enjoy, then die
And don’t you shed those tears!
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band!




With A Little Yelp From My Foes (A Little Help From My Friends)

(Bellatrix Lestrange sings a song about her favourite past-time: torture!)

Bellatrix:
What would I do if got sent to jail
And I rotted there in Azkaban?
Lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
And if you live, you’re quite a lucky man.
Oh! I get by with a little yelp from my foes.
Oh! I get high on those sweet Crucios.
Mmm! Gonna try torturing average Joes.

What do I do when I get kind of bored?

Death Eaters:
Do you like to hear your victims moan?

Bellatrix:
How do I feel when not with the Dark Lord?

Death Eaters:
Do you still kill when you’re all alone?

Bellatrix:
YES! I get by with a little yelp from my foes.
Oh! I get high on those sweet Crucios.
Mmm! Gonna try torturing average Joes.

Death Eaters:
Do you need anybody?

Bellatrix:
For dueling? Someone who’s worse!

Death Eaters:
Could it be anybody?

Bellatrix:
I want somebody to curse.

Death Eaters:
Aren’t you aware that, uh, you’ve gone insane?

Bellatrix:
Yes, I know, but I don’t really care.

Death Eaters:
Just what goes on inside that twisted brain?

Bellatrix:
I can tell you— but you’d best beware!
‘Cause! I get by with a little yelp from my foes.
Oh! I get high on those sweet Crucios.
Mmm! Gonna try torturing average Joes.

Death Eaters:
Do you need anybody?

Bellatrix:
For dueling? Someone who’s worse!

Death Eaters:
Could it be anybody?

Bellatrix:
I need somebody to curse.
Oh! I get by with a little yelp from my foes.
Oh! I get high on those sweet Crucios.
Mmm! Gonna try torturing average Joes.
Yes, I get by with a little yelp from my foes
With a little yelp from my foes!


Potter’s Gonna Die In Time, Man (Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds)

(Voldemort sings about how upsetting it is that Harry Potter always gets away, while his Death Eaters encourage him that one day he’ll get him.)

Voldemort:
Picture yourself thinking you’re really something,
You always succeed every time that you try.
Then comes the day when you meet a small child
And what do you know, he refuses to die?

Avada Kedavras in blazing bright green
Should have left that rotter dead!
But Potter’s unscathed except for that scar on his head!

Death Eaters:
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Ahhhh…

Voldemort:
It’s ten years later, you plot and conspire
You’re stuck to the back of that Quirrel bloke’s head.
You think you’ve got it made, you’re stealing the stone
But you fail, Quirrel dies, and still Potter’s not dead!

So, you get Crouch Junior and your man Wormtail
You know they’ll take Potter’s life!
Potter is cornered, he’s there in the graveyard…
Still no dice!

Death Eaters:
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Ahhhh…

Voldemort:
Picture yourself putting dreams in the boy’s head
You get him where you want, then surprise, surprise!
Potter escapes and my servants are caught
And nobody but Sirius Black even dies!

Death Eaters:
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Ahhhh…
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Ahhhh…
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Potter’s gonna die in time, man!
Ahhhh… (fade out)


Not Much Better (Getting Better All The Time)

(Wormtail sings about how being a Death Eater isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.)

Wormtail: (and Death Eaters in italicized parentheses)
I’m not really that fond of crime…
I used to feel bad in my school. (Man, we can relate)
I wasn’t that handsome or cool. (Yeah, we can relate)
Kids pulled me down (Ooh)
Pushed me around (Aah)
I didn’t like being the fool. (What a fool…)

But I’ve got to admit, it’s not much better (Better)
I don’t prefer this life of crime. (In fact, it’s a lot worse)
I have to admit, it’s not much better (Better)
But I’m stuck with it, this life of mine.

I wasn’t as good as my friends
It’s my fault they met their sad ends.
And with Voldemort, I still feel dumb and short
And I grovel with his other men.

I’ve got to admit, it’s not much better (Better)
I don’t prefer this life of crime. (In fact, it’s a lot worse)
I have to admit, it’s not much better (Better)
But I’m stuck with it, this life of mine.
I’m not really all that fond of crime
It’s still no better after all this time.
Not much, not much better.
It’s still no better after all this time.

I used to be small and pathetic
I never would speak up or do anything that I loved.
I know that it’s strange, but that still hasn’t changed
Now that I’m serving this evil man.

Snape: (Spoken)
That, uh, didn’t rhyme.

Wormtail: (Spoken)
Take it up with the Beatles. That verse didn’t rhyme in the orginal song, either

(Sung)
But I’ve got to admit, it’s not much better (Better)
I don’t prefer this life of crime. (In fact, it’s a lot worse)
I have to admit, it’s not much better (Better)
But I’m stuck with it, this life of mine.

I’m not really all that fond of crime
It’s still no better after all this time.
Not much, not much better.
It’s still no better after all this time.
Not much, not much better.
I’m not really all that fond of crime.


Splitting My Soul (Fixing a Hole)

(Voldemort’s song about Horcruxes)

Voldemort:
I’m splitting my soul into seven small chunks
To stop my life from ending.
I’m immortal…

I’m making up Horcruxes from my old junk.
To stop my life from ending.
I’m immortal…
And it really doesn’t matter
If I lose my nose
Why do I want one of those?
If my eyes turn red.
If my skin is ghostly white
And I look like a snake, all right.
It’s better, dear, than ending up dead.

I’m splitting my soul and I’m hiding the chunks
To keep my life from ending.
I’m immortal…
Ooh ooh ooh ah ah
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

And it really doesn’t matter
If I lose my nose
Why do I want one of those?
If my eyes turn red.
If my skin is ghostly white
And I look like a snake, all right.
It’s better, dear, than ending up dead.

I’m taking a ring and cup and more things
To keep my life from ending.
And I’m still immortal…
Ooh ooh ooh ah ah
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I’m splitting my soul into seven small chunks
To stop my life from ending.
I’m immortal…
I’m immortal…

I’m splitting my soul into seven small chunks
To stop my life from ending.
I’m immortal… (Fade out)



She’s Begging Snape (She’s Leaving Home)

(Snape sings about the events of “Spinner’s End,� Chapter Two of the sixth Harry Potter book.)

Snape:
Wednesday evening at five o’clock as the day winds down.
Silently Apparating by my door
Face says a lot but her actions say more
She walks down through Spinner’s End while clutching her wand in her hand.
Knocking the door, every knock a plea
Stepping inside, she begs me.

Death Eaters (and Narcissa in italicized parentheses):
She (Gave Draco most of my life)
Is begging (Sacrificed most of my life)
Snape (I gave him everything money could buy.)
She’s begging Snape to help Draco escape
From Lord Voldemort (Please try)

Snape:
Lucius sits in jail, Draco sits at home unaware.
Bellatrix plays an unhelpful role
No wonder that Cissy loses control
She breaks down and clutches my robes and cries, “Will you make a vow?�
Bellatrix scoffs, but I still agree.
Now…what’s going to happen to me?

Death Eaters (and Narcissa in italicized parentheses):
She (Draco’s young, he has no clue)
Is begging (Only one I trust is you)
Snape (Do it if he can’t, or help him get by.)
She’s begging Snape to help Draco escape
From Lord Voldemort (Please try)

Snape:
Friday morning, Narcissa’s lying at home in bed.
Wearing a dressing gown, eating bon-bons
My life now stinks, so her worry’s gone.

Death Eaters (and Narcissa in italicized parentheses):
She (Now Snape is having an awful day)
Is laughing (But Draco’s not, and so that’s okay)
Now (Draco won’t have to be breaking the law.)
She’s laughing now, because Snape knows how
To save Cissy’s son (Ha ha)
She’s laughing now, ha ha!


Being For The Benefit of Voldemort (Being For The Benefit of Mr. Kite)

(The Death Eaters advertise Voldemort’s re-birth-day party in GOF)

Death Eaters:
For the benefit of Voldemort
There’ll be a show tonight of sorts—
Necromancy.

The Death Eaters will all be there
We’ll give that Potter boy a scare
So come and see.

With flesh and bone and blood of Potter’s
He’ll be there thanks to the Goblet of Fire
In this way, Voldy today will conquer the world!

This wonderful dark lord of ours
Will leave the boy with more than scars
This time around!

The Death Eaters will dance and sing
And Voldemort will be the king,
No more underground!

Messr. Wormtail does assure the public
Voldemort will come to power again.
And his reign of terror once more will begin!

It all begins at ten to eight
And there’s no way that you’ll be late
‘Cos after all

You’ll know when it’s going to begin
The Dark Mark burned into your skin
Will make the call.

Having been some months in preparation
Absolute success is guaranteed.
Lord Voldemort will rise again, indeed!


Within You, My Presence (Within You, Without You)

(Voldemort sings about the way he controls Harry through his dreams in OotP)

Voldemort:
You were dreaming about that little, smooth glass ball.
Many like it on that dark wall in the Ministry.
But when you got there, it was far too late, Black had met his fate.
You were dreaming about a giant snake
You found Arthur, you did your best to murder him with your fangs.
I could make you destroy your friends, and you’ll never know.

You won’t realize it’s me inside your head.
Stealing your dreams, weaving mine instead.
I will lure you away until you’re dead.
My life flows on, within you, my presence.

You were dreaming about my evil laugh so cold
And my longing to gain the world and lose my soul
Your friends don’t know, they can’t see that you’re one with me.

You won’t realize it’s me inside your head.
Stealing your dreams, weaving mine instead.
I will lure you away until you’re dead.
My life flows on, within you, my presence.



When I’m In Azkaban (When I’m Sixty-Four)

(I’ve always imagined Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy to be very romantic. Here is Lucius assuring his wife that although in jail, he’s still a stud.)

Lucius:
Narcissa, well, I’m writing from jail
And I’m wondering
Will you still be sending me a valentine
Birthday greetings, bottle of wine?
Though I’m no longer Fudge’s best friend
Am I still your man?
Am I your honey, as dear as money
Here in Azkaban?

Wrote to Bella, too.
I might take up and live with her
If I don’t hear from you!

I’m still the richest fellow around
Even in the pen.
Please don’t go around acting like I’ve died
Don’t spend your time with other men.
Maybe I’ve gotten scraggly and thin
Maybe I’ve grown pale.
But I’ll grow tanner back at the manor
When I’m out of jail.

How is Draco doing, is he working for Lord Voldemort now?
Tell him not to die.
But if he does, then we’ll
Make more heirs, you and I.

Send me a postcard, drop me a line
Stating points of view
Indicate precisely what you mean to say
Yours in prison, wasting away
Give me your answer, fill in a form
Send your man some mail
Love me for my brain, or for my snake cane
Though I’m stuck in jail!


Love That Rita (Lovely Rita)

(Voldemort approves of the news stories Rita Skeeter wrote about Harry in GOF.)

Voldemort:
Aaaaah!
Love that Rita Skeeter dame
Love that Rita Skeeter dame
Love that Rita Skeeter dame,
Slandering Harry Potter!
No one will trust that fussed-about boy now.
Ask me or any Death Eater
What we think of Rita Skeeter
Filling in a parchment with her poison green quill!
Our opinion, well oh well,
We think Rita Skeeter’s swell
Best to weaken Potter before we kill.

Love that Rita Skeeter dame
May I enquire discreetly
When you are free to join my ranks? Teehee…
(Rita Skeeter dame, ahhh)
Rita!

Watch her turn into a fly now,
Laughed so much, thought I would die now
Even though I’m immortal, of course.
Got the paper, Potter made it.
I’d give it an O, if I could grade it.
Potter’s reputation couldn’t be worse.

Love that Rita Skeeter dame
Where would we be without you?
Write us a nasty article again! (With your lovely quick-quotes pen.)
Love that Rita Skeeeter dame, Love that Rita Skeeeter dame
Love that Rita Skeeeter dame, Love that Rita Skeeeter dame…



Avada Kedavra (Good Morning)

(A song celebrating the Avada Kedavra curse.)

Death Eaters:
Avada Kedavra
Avada Kedavra
Avada.

Nothing to do to save his life—call his wife in.
Nothing to say, he’ll die today—how’s his life been?
If you wanna kill, just use this spell
I’ve got nothing to say but this—A.K.!
Avada Kedavra
Avada.

Spell loved by jerks, it always works, never fails now.
Two little words, kill men, fish, birds, even whales now.
Everybody knows it’s nothing doing.
Victim’s bodies collapse like a ruin.
Send them into eternal sleep
Then just go your way on down the street

After awhile you start to smile, now you feel cool.
Twirling your wand, suave as James Bond, killing old-school.
Nothing is changed, it’s still the same
I’ve got nothing to say but this—A.K.!
Avada Kedavra
Avada.

People running around, they’re getting scared.
You’ve got out your wand, they’ve got no prayer.
Everyone you see losing their life.
Take a break for tea and meet the wife.

Somebody needs to take control, glad that I’m here.
Putting those Muggles back in place, now you’re in gear.
Put on a show, watch those spells go
I’ve got nothing to say but this—A.K.!

Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!
Avada Kedavra, ah!




Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band (Reprise)

(The Death Eaters close their show and prepare to leave so Voldemort can kill Harry.)

Death Eaters:
(1, 2, 3, 4, Die!)
It’s Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band
We hope you have enjoyed the show.
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band
We’re sorry, but it’s time to go.
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered, Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band.
We’ve come to kill you once again

Voldemort: (spoken)
And this time, I SWEAR we’ll do it, Potter!

Death Eaters:
Dark Lord Voldy’s one and only Shattered Souls Club Band
It’s getting very near the end
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered, Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered
Dark Lord Voldy’s Shattered Soul Club Band.



Epilogue (A Day In The Life)

(The next day, after the concert, the Death Eaters learn that instead of Voldemort killing Harry, Harry defeated Voldemort. Needless to say, they are worried about their own safety.)

Death Eaters:
I read the news today, oh boy.
About a lucky boy who saved the day.
For us, the news was rather bad
Lord Voldemort’s been blown away.
That Potter killed him yesterday.
He blew his brains out with a wand
After escaping him six times before.
A crowd of people stood and stared
They’d seen his face before
Amidst the blood and gore.
He really did in the Dark Lord.

I got an owl today, oh boy
Dumbledore’s Army really won the war.
Folks cheered and sang like ne’er before.
But I just couldn’t speak.
‘Cause now I’m up dung creek.
And I’d love to jump in.

Voldemort’s Voice Over:
Woke up, rolled out of bed
Polished my shiny bald head
Found the boy downstairs, pointing his wand.
And looking up, I met my sorry fate
Left my fortune to my snake
Which was prob’ly a mistake.
Nothing left of me, not even smoke.
Just words I spoke and my crumbling estate.
Ahhhhhh…..

Death Eaters:
I read the news today, oh boy.
Forty Death Eaters running from the law.
The Auror’s ranks are rather small
But quite enough to take us all.
Now I think we’ll go to where our lord’s gone before long at all
I’d love to run away…