WHAT LIES BENEATH



“My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.�

~William Shakespeare



She glides like a fairy toward me, alight with the freshness of youth. She smiles; her even, white teeth glistening against a backdrop of fiery red curls. As her cheeks slowly turn pink from the cold of winter’s chill, my heart surges forward, eager to keep her warm – and then she is gone, wrapped in the arms of her lover.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~

That is what Lily Evans is to me – untouchable, unreachable, and completely beyond my grasp. She is the one thing that I desire above all else, but the one thing that I cannot have. I mean, look at me; I’m scrawny, with dull, mousy-brown hair, and gray eyes. I’m not athletic or popular – like James or Sirius – and I’m sickly looking, although that part is not my fault. It’s no wonder she fancies James over me.

I don’t resent James for that – he’s my best mate after all and he defends me from the taunts of others when no one else will. I owe him everything – but yet I can’t help the jealousy I feel toward him. Is sacrificing my heart and soul honestly worth it?

I smell roses – her smell. It wafts delicately around my head, an intoxicating reminder of the beauty that is forbidden to me.

Sometimes, when I lie under the stars at night, I try to think of why I was cursed to forever be shadowed by ‘normal’ people. Hell, I wonder what it would be like, not to have to worry about when the full moon is coming, not to be self-conscious of my scars, and to actually be able to be with someone, without always having that danger of ripping their head off at any moment.

It is a fatal attraction. I see her, I need her, but I can’t have her – and that is what kills me. Do you know what it is like to see someone you love in the arms of another? To be showered with kisses that are not your own? To hear sweet nothings whispered to her, and you’re NOT the one saying them?

It’s bad enough she has to be with anyone to begin with – but James? It’s hard to accept the fact that he’s with her, but then there is the constant reminder whenever they are around, which is more often than I would like. I can see Lily standing alone, and I can forget about James. I can see James in front of me, and I can forget about Lily – but together? It’s unbearable.

Imagine someone continually stabbing you in the same place over, and over again – the stabs getting increasingly harder each time and no one pays you any mind, even though you are screaming for them to stop. You are forced to put on this mask of happiness and NO ONE realizes the pain you are going through.

They simply smirk and say, “Oh, it’s just his ‘illness’ – He’ll be just fine after the full moon.�

It makes me want to rip my hair out. She doesn’t even know what she does to me with just one glance – a glance that can make my heart quake with excitement, but shrivel up with misery.

I feel a small, tender hand on my shoulder. I turn and someone more lovely than Aphrodite is standing before me. She asks if I am alright, but I brush her hand away and retreat to the trees by the lake – my candle of life fluttering and dying as though touched by a light breeze.

For that is what she is – an extinguisher of flame. A lethal tease. How many hearts burn with the same passion as mine? Few, I’d wager.

But I don’t just crave her looks. Don’t get the wrong impression of me – I am made of deeper stuff than that. No, it is her mind which attracts me. She is brilliant – I’m sure if she were fire, she’d be brighter than the lighthouse of Alexandria. She is kind, polite, and sympathetic – do you need more evidence than that?

I hear a voice behind me – it is the sound of an angel beckoning me to my fate.

“Remus!� cried Lily, running breathlessly to catch up with me, “I kept calling your name, but you wouldn’t answer me. What’s wrong?�

Seeing her standing there, ankle high in snow, the breath rising up like a column of smoke from her mouth, brought me to my senses.

“Lily, you’ll die of cold – here, take this –� and I threw my cloak to her.

“T-Thanks.� she replied shivering. I’m sure my icy heart made it ten times colder than what it truly was to her, but inside I was burning up.

“Why have you come here, Lily?� I whispered, not taking my eyes away from her lovely form.

“I was worried about you. I know everything – James told me.� She murmured, hurriedly wiping away a fugitive tear.

“Don’t cry over me out of pity, Lily, I don’t want to see you cry.� I breathed, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. Instantly, a warm sensation coursed through my arm.

“Remus, I’m sorry – I’m so sorry. If you had told me – I want to help,� She began, but I placed a finger to her lips.

“There is nothing you can do, Lily, face it, I’m nothing more than a monster.� I said grimily, turning my eyes away from her.

“That’s not true, Remus.� She replied icily.

“Look at me, Lily! What you see before you is nothing but a shell housing an evil that you cannot defeat. I’m scarred, sick, beaten and worthless.� And before I could help myself, hot tears began running thickly down my cheeks, burning in the cold.

Great – here I was, standing a mere two feet from this beautiful, amazing girl, and I was acting like a sniveling idiot. I wiped my eyes on my sleeve, and was immediately swept up in a mass of fiery red hair, the scent of roses surrounding me. A sweet voice was whispering in my ear, “I don’t think you are worthless, Remus.�

The snow began to fall harder, encircling us in frosted spirals. Lily’s face was only a few inches from my own. I brushed her cheek with my thumb, and brought my lips gently to hers. A spark ignited within my heart, warming my icy insides, pulsating within my body. Suddenly, nothing mattered to me; not my problems, not my worries – all I felt was her.

Lily pulled gently away from me, looking at me nervously, but with excitement in her eyes.

“What just happened, Remus?� She asked, after a very pregnant pause.

“I’m not sure,� I said breathlessly, which was the honest truth.

She looked at me for a moment, as though she were expecting me to say something more, before whispering, “I won’t tell James. I – I’ll catch up with you later, Remus.� She gave me one last, lingering smile before heading back up to the castle, leaving me in the wake of falling snow.

I had lost Lily again, but this time my heart hadn’t died within me. A new feeling of hope had taken hold – maybe someone truly did think I was worth loving, even if it were only as fleeting as the flame of a candle. For that one, brief moment I felt equal to James and Sirius. As the snow swirled around me, I realized that I didn’t have to be handsome, or popular, or smart for someone to care about me, or think I was worth the danger of loving. I had kissed Lily Evans, and that was enough to keep me going for the rest of my life, if need be.

After all, all that matters is what lies beneath.