Sometimes she goes back a little early, before the temperature rises and the heat strikes like an awaiting predator. Sometimes it’s a little later because school runs late or her mother wants her home for a week. But no matter what, she goes back every summer – back to her grandmother’s, back to the cramped house, back to him.

i.

Darkness has spread like ink, leaving nothing but the streetlamps in the distance to guide her. Maybe she doesn’t need them, even with the blinding darkness; she knows he’s there before she sees him. He’s always there, smiling at her, awaiting her arrival, trying to convince her to go to Hogwarts with kisses. She’s more than willing to consider for them.

The air is warm, a perfect June night. She can smell the summer; it’s the smell of him. Her heart starts to race at the thought of him, her chest ablaze. She has waited all year for this and it is finally here.

“Where are you?� she calls into the night, listening hard for his answer. There isn’t one.

She calls his name this time, wondering why he isn’t here yet. He is always here first. He is always waiting for her, laughter in his eyes.

She hears nothing, just a few crickets singing their song softly in the background. There isn’t a footstep or a crackle of leaves. Nothing that gives off any idea that there is another person there, not until she screams.

Arms grab her from behind and she lets out a yell, a yell that only quiets when she sees that it is him, recognizing his touch.

“Did I surprise you?� His voice is a melody to her ears, soft and velvety. It sends a shiver up her spine.

“Yes.� She turns around to face him. “How are you?�

“Better now.�

The old playground is close to extinction, and she can’t help wonder if anyone has been since last summer. Since their last night together.

His hand is clasped in hers as they rock on the swings. Neither say a word, what are they supposed to talk about? They are just together – ready to embark on their summer. During that summer, they’d make memories, make things to talk and laugh about.

Now, they are sixteen. They are going into their sixth year at school. They have no other friends or teachers or loves. They just have each other.

“Liv? he asks her gently.

“Hm?� she glances at him, peeling her eyes away from the night sky.

“Do you ever feel like we’re living in different worlds?� She looks at him, eyes questioning. “I mean, I can’t talk to you about Hogwarts and have no idea about your school. If you went to Hogwarts – we’d be happy. I-I’d be happy. It’s two lives for me – you and Hogwarts.�

“Tell me about this other life,� Olivia says calmly, wishing they had more than the summers, but grateful for them nonetheless.

“It’s hard.� He is being honest. He knows he can never explain Hogwarts to her. He can’t explain McGonagall or the look in her eyes when they play a prank – the subtle mirth. He can’t explain the Marauders, although she’s heard of Sirius, Peter and Remus, the full-moon adventures, the pranks, and the popularity. He can’t explain Lily Evans, how he both hates and likes her. Even if he could, he thinks, he wouldn’t. Not to Olivia.

He can’t explain Quidditch, well, not his Quidditch-player status. He can’t explain how he has won so many victories for his teams and how much he loves it. He can’t explain his hatred of Severus Snape and Snape’s friendship with Lily; the one he has heard has failed. He can’t explain the mysteries of the castle, how every inch of it is magical, or the pride that swells when wearing scarlet and gold. What words could one use to describe Dumbledore?

There was no way of making Olivia ever understand.

“I’m different, during school. I’m a good Quidditch player – �

“I know that. How could I not?� There is a smile is her voice. She knows this other James. She knows him completely.

“It’s-It’s not just that. I’m not who I am when I’m with you.� He fumbles, knowing that she won’t understand. The lives are too far apart. Hogwarts – the Marauders, Prongs, Potter, Evans…Evans. Maybe Olivia wouldn’t fit in at Hogwarts. Maybe the worlds would collide, clash, tearing him. Maybe he would lose for wanting too much. Lily and Olivia.

She closes her eyes, and James does the same, vowing to no longer press Hogwarts. Olivia at Hogwarts would be a disaster. Two worlds. The summer and the rest of the year. It would never work. July and January aren’t mean to be in one season…

***

They are laying under the stars, the light August breeze blowing just over them. The stars have come out of their hiding place to put on a show for them. They strut around, winking and laughing. She will leave tomorrow, return to her life, return to her family, and then school. And James will do the same. His best friend will come, and in two weeks, they will head off to Hogwarts – to the life that Olivia doesn’t know. Will never know.

She says nothing, but knows as well as him that they live in different worlds.

“Until next summer?� he asks, mouth close to her ear.

She nods.

“Free to see other people?�

She nods, looking up, green eyes searching his.

“Is there someone at Hogwarts?� Olivia asks suddenly. She doesn’t know where the question erupts from; it just bubbles to the surface without her consent.

James doesn’t answer, but looks away, into the sky. Green eyes follow. Green eyes. Green eyes.

Olivia’s green eyes.

“No one particular. There’s this one girl, but she really hates me.�

She doesn’t ask him why this girl hates him. She knows that it won’t make sense to her. She knows that there is a story. She knows she doesn’t want to hear it. So a smile flickers over her face, and she is relaxed.

Almost.

He has never mentioned a girl. They never talk about who date during the year or if they do; it was an unspoken agreement, and Olivia liked that. Now there is a girl. There is a faceless girl in the back of her mind. She doesn’t know what she is like, what she looks like, what her name is. She doesn’t know if she is in James’ mind every moment. Now there is competition, but this girl is only real to James. To Olivia, she is a mystery, an image, a character to imagine.

“Are we okay?� James asks uncertainly.

Olivia nods. “I love you. Sixth and seventh year, and then it’s just you and me.�

He pulls her closely. “Promise?� he whispers, mind guiltily lingering on Lily.

He had always wanted Olivia to go to Hogwarts, but the reasoning wasn’t always fair. A part of him wanted to make Lily jealous, wanted to show her that she was not all he thought about, show her he did have someone. Lily. Lily, who only ever had eyes for Snape.

Hopefully it has changed.


ii.

Summer has come like every year before. But it’s different this year; it is unexpected and it feels out of place. And she can’t believe it. To her, it feels like sixth year didn’t happen, like time has stood still since last seeing him.

But time has not stood still. Things have changed. Life went on and a year has passed. Around her, things have changed, but Olivia feels the same. She feels like she should have changed, like something should have happened – something life altering, something that made her think and see things differently, something major. But nothing of that sort has. She feels no different than the previous year.

And this scares her.

Olivia doesn’t want to be stagnant; she doesn’t want to be forever the same. She doesn’t want everyone around her to change. She doesn’t want James to change.

She can’t help but think that he did. Maybe she knows that he did, just not in what way. Does he still have that boyish look of mischief on his face, the easy nature around him? Or are his eyes now grown, without mirth and happiness? Does he still think about that girl?

It is the same curiosity that has burned inside of Olivia all year. She couldn’t stop thinking of him all year. She wanted to know where he was, what he was doing, who he was with. She wanted to know was going on in his life – how he felt about her.

Although she promised herself she wouldn’t, she wrote him. She wrote him a long letter, pouring everything she felt onto the parchment, talking about her school and life, her friends and family, her plans and goals. She wanted him to know her. She wanted to open up, in hopes he would do the same thing in return.

Olivia wasn’t so lucky. His reply was crushingly short, scribbled messily around stains of pumpkin juice.

Liv, I’m glad you’re well. Things are good here. I’m really busy with school and Quidditch. We’re doing really well this season, obviously because of me. I’m captain and working the team pretty hard. Lily calls me a tyrant, not a captain. She just hates the five a.m. runs. Haha. See you.

--James

Lily. The word still floats through Olivia’s mind. Is that the girl? Or is it a different one? Why would he throw her in so carelessly? Has he forgotten who Olivia is to him? His girlfriend.

His summer girlfriend.

Olivia analyzed the letter for weeks, trying to understand what it meant. She came to no conclusion. Well, only to wait until summer.

And now that wait is over.

Soon, she will find out. She will see him. There is excitement, the same excitement she felt last summer, but it’s mixed with anticipation. She doesn’t want to find things have changed. She doesn’t want it to be different. She doesn’t want someone else to have taken her spot.

She walks faster, air sweet against her flesh. There is a chill in the night, but it’s summer nevertheless. She can feel it in the air. Cold or warm, it is summer. It is James.

The night is bright, the moon casting a glow, and in the distance, she can see him. He is there, waiting for her, and her heart lightens.

***

Olivia waits, wonder burning inside of her. She is going to finally meet him. After all of these years, she gets to meet the infamous Sirius Black – James’ best friend. She doesn’t know why she hasn’t met him yet and doesn’t ask. They are James’ worlds.

She just wishes to know why. Why now? Is he bringing their relationship to the next level? Does he finally feel that she is worthy of meeting his best friend? Or is it just a schedule conflict? Olivia usually leaves two weeks before school begins and James’ friends spend those last two weeks with him. Maybe Sirius just had to come earlier….

She suspected that it is the latter, for James is distant this summer. It seems that his mind is always far off, thinking of someone else.

She hears a knock and knows that it is James and Sirius. Jumpily, she rises, thankful that her grandmother is out until the evening.

Whatever Sirius is, Olivia does not expect it. He is better looking than she anticipated – too handsome. In the presence of Sirius’ elegant good looks, she can’t help but feel a loyalty to James. James, the name that tugs on her heart. James, who is just James, nothing too special. Just her James.

Sirius seems to feel the same as Olivia; he looks surprised. Has James mentioned her before? Did he expect less? Olivia doesn’t know, but assumes so, noticing the way he is scrutinizing her, picking her apart with his eyes, sizing her up, looking for flaws. In the end, he looks as though he approves.

They sit at the kitchen table and Olivia feels relieved. James appears to feel the same, giving her a grin.

The conversation flows naturally after Olivia gets comfortable being around Sirius. She never knows how to talk to new people, but it is easy with Sirius. The three of them talk and laugh, joke and smile. She soon feels as though she has known Sirius forever and can understand why he is James’ best friend.

The day is amazing, better than Olivia could have dreamed, until a small owl swoops in through an open window. She takes it nonchalantly. The situation is nothing special; the letter is nothing special. It is from Olivia’s mother, sending her love.

It is just when her eyes are diverted does Sirius nudge James.

“She’s prettier than Lily,� he whispers, never meaning for Olivia to hear it.

But she does.

She looks up, ears catching the words ‘prettier’ and ‘Lily’, heart sinking at both of them. Olivia’s eyes reach James just in time to see his answer. He says no words; he doesn’t need to. He just shakes his head the faintest bit, jaw set.

Olivia’s head falls back to the parchment, unable to understand what his gesture means.

***

“It goes by quickly, huh?� James’ voice is thoughtful and melancholy. Olivia just isn’t sure if she believes it. Is he really glad that the summer is over?

“Yeah,� she replies stiffly. Maybe it is good that it is summer’s end. Maybe he’ll come back to her next summer loving her more than ever. Maybe he’ll miss her.

Maybe.

She has been telling herself these things all summer; that it is just a bad one, that the next one will be much better, that he has a lot on his mind. Now, she isn’t sure she believes it. Olivia has learned that, no matter how much she tells herself something, it doesn’t make it true. It never makes it true.

“Only one more year,� James says. He isn’t sure why. He doesn’t know what he wants to do after Hogwarts and he sure as hell doesn’t know whom he wants to be with. He thinks about this for a moment, wondering if the idea of Olivia keeps his heart from hurting too much. Or if he figured it for so long, it’s natural to say.

Whichever one, the words are out there, free for Olivia to reject or decline.

“One more year.� Her voice seems to trail off. “James? Who’s Lily?�

He goes completely still, his breathing hitches. The only way Olivia knows that he is still alive is the beat of his pounding heart against her.

“W-who?� he finally asks.

“Lily.� Olivia’s voice is soft and protruding.

“She’s a girl.� Had he called her that by accident? Was his crush-that-was-no-more that bad?

“Do you like her?�

He doesn’t know what is going on or what he is saying. Something inside of him changes, something stops him from lying.

“A little,� James responds, voice clear.

There is silence while Olivia processes this. “So where are we?�

“Where we always were. Me and you. One more year.�

For the first time, she doesn’t believe him. The words that escape his lips are as convincing as ever, but Olivia can’t wrap herself in them. Maybe they are true, maybe he means it, but maybe he never did. Maybe she didn’t either. Maybe they are waiting one more year to fall apart.

But she nods. She can’t refuse, she can’t leave him and tell him that he won’t see her next year. As much as Olivia wishes she could, she can’t bow out gracefully. She doesn’t have the strength.

“I’ll miss you.� Her voice fades into the night.

He doesn’t reply.

iii.

Sometimes freedom isn’t as sweet as it’s thought to be, as it ought to be. You can do what you please, make your own decisions, be whomever you choose. But so can everyone else. It’s their freedom that you have to worry about. Anyone can choose something over you, somewhere over you…someone over you, and there is no obligation. Nothing forcing him to come back to your summer spot. He is free.

She stands there, sun beating down on her head, droplets of perspiration collecting on her lips. If he is to come, it won’t be until dark. She knows this, so she waits, not expecting him. If she doesn’t expect him, she won’t be let down when he doesn’t come.

The blue sky slowly morphs into purple and then into a dusty grey. Olivia doesn’t know how, but she knows something has changed. Like the sky, over time, they have turned to a dusty grey. A dusty, bleak grey.

Her eyes strain in the darkness looking for any shape or figure. There is nothing. Nothing. What she feels. Nothing.

“Olivia?� his voice is muffled, cushioned by the night and its sounds.

Her heart races as she whips around. He is not far, making his way across the grass.

“We’re done,� she exclaims, unable to stop herself from running toward him. School is done and he is here.

Olivia throws her arms around him, quickly forgetting everything she had been thinking. They are not over and nothing has changed. She is hugging him. He just isn’t hugging back. His body is stiff against her.

When she notices this, she moves backward.

“What’s wrong?� Olivia asks, fear overcoming her.

James rubs his face with his hands. “Can we talk?� He is looking through her.

Olivia nods. What else can she do? She can’t say no. She can’t walk away; she can’t pretend this isn’t happening because it is.

“What’s wrong?� she asks, but she knows. She knows everything is wrong. She knows it’s never been right.

He doesn’t answer, but sits on a swing. A swing that creaks from rust.

So she does the same.

It’s different though. She is suddenly too big for the swing. She doesn’t fit the way she used to and she imagines James feels the same way. James, who is now over six feet tall. Does he feel just as out of place on the swing? She doesn’t belong there. It is her younger self’s swing. It isn’t hers anymore.

He is looking for the words to say. He opens and closes his mouth a few times. The right words to break someone’s heart never seem to come.

“Liv,� he starts gently, searching the corners of his mind for something to soften the blow. She looks at him, needing those words.

The warm air tingles his throat. The summer air.

He turns to her somberly. “We were just playing,� James says softly. “Me and you, we were a summer thing, not a forever thing. We both knew it.�

There is silence, until Olivia sighs. He is right. She knows it. As much as she didn’t want to believe it, this day was inevitable. It had always been around the corner. And now it is here.

“I know,� she finally says, rocking a little on the swing. “Still hurts.�

“I know,� James replies. “But we have our whole lives ahead of us. I guess it was silly to think we’d be right for each other.�

She shrugs and looks forward, letting the breeze created by swinging mingle with her skin.

“Is it Lily?�

If her asking surprises James, he doesn’t show it. He merely looks forward, into the night.

“Yes.�

“Is she beautiful?�

“Not as beautiful as you.� In spite of herself, Olivia laughs. That answer is so very James.

“Do you love her?�

“Yes.� There is such certainty in his voice. “Liv.� He turns his head to look at her. “Don’t think that I don’t love you. I do. It’s just different…� His voice fades out. She won’t understand and he doesn’t want to hurt her any more.

“Because you can’t live without her?�

“Yeah,� James answers tenderly. “I guess I was terrible. Even when I was with you, I’d think about her. I’ve always loved her, and I tried, Liv. I really tried.� He wants her to understand. He just can’t help how he feels. Or how he doesn’t feel.

Olivia takes his hand. “I know,� she assures.

As she watches James’ figure disappear in the opposite direction, she notices that it isn’t the path he usually takes. Then it hits her. He is going to Lily. And for a moment, she wonders what he told her exactly. Did he say he had something to take care of? No, that is too cold for James. He probably told her the truth, well, that is what Olivia likes to imagine.

She lets James linger in her mind for another moment before she begins to walk her own way. As she walks, she doesn’t think of him. Instead, she thinks of the beauty of the moon, the way a moth’s wings flutter like sheets on a clothesline and the future that lies ahead.