You lost your shine the day you saw her die. It was so harsh on you when it happened; it was so cruel. She had so much life, so much passion. You had to watch her be stripped of who she was day after day, until there was nothing left but the empty hope which was only there for you, so that you would survive, so that you would go on. She knew she would not.



It was a fight not for you, but her alone. Still, you stood by her side and carried her along. You stood there when the sun kissed the horizon and the black ink of night splashed across the sky, you stood there when she closed her eyes, the fear that they would never open again shown in your breath as it came down in shallow gasps upon her cheek. You let the tears fall only when she could not see, when she could not know that you were dying alongside her. You were slowly being pulled apart, and all the pieces were drifting towards her, to fill her, to give her the strength she needed. It was all the strength you had.



So while she slept, you gave the strength that her body had run out of, never for her to know, for she would always give it back, a smile upon her lips, a smile in her eyes. You knew that it was soon, so soon that you would have to go on without her, and the pain was too much. Your skin felt heavy on your bones, and your bones felt broken. Your lungs would not fill, and you could not catch your breath. They burned with such heat that the only way to cool them was to cry. So cry you did until your eyes grew dry and your body could not take it anymore. You felt the pain as though it was a drug: something you could not live without, but something that damaged you none the less. You would not give it up the chance to feel the last emotion she gave you.



Her room was cold, and you thought it unbearable, but you never left and you never complained. You just stayed, silent as she slept, her chest rising and falling the only reason you yourself were still breathing. You thought over how you would leave this world once she was gone, but always ended up at the same place: her face. It held such a sadness, but it was not her real face. She could never look at you like that. You always made her smile, made her eyes light up. You knew that it would break her more to know you would give up the life she had made for you, the life she had created with you; for you. The gifts she had treasured as the days had counted down, knowing that soon she would only have those to give and nothing else. Her body would give out, and she would not be able to withstand the strength she had within her mind. She had lasted longer than anyone had ever hoped. The doctors always said that it was only a matter of time, a few hours at the most. But she grasped those hours and turned them into days.



You felt that the extra time was all her doing: she was gripping the edge, even if she wanted to go, even if she wanted to be free. She wanted to sleep, but ever morning she would open those eyes, those honey-gold eyes, and every morning she would say, “Just for you”. She was ready, but you were not. It was selfish, you knew, but you didn’t care. You wanted to keep her. She had so much more to give, you had so much more to share. The only thing against her was time.



You would look into her eyes and see them hold so much wisdom, so much knowledge that you knew she should not have. She should not know the things she knew. You want to grab it all, compact it into you fists, and just take it away from her: the pain, the years gone by, the days she knew she would never have, that day when she said goodbye to everyone but you.



You remembered that day that everyone came and pretended like nothing was wrong, like she was herself again. It made you mad, but you composed yourself. You had been silent once more for her, as she had smiled back and said cheerful things. Then, when it came time to say goodbye, you shut out the words. You were deaf for only a moment: nothing penetrated your guard as she said she loved them and that she wished she could see them again. When the sound came back, it brought back the sounds that were only too familiar to your ears. She was letting the tears fall, she had been so brave and you had told her so. She had pretended to be strong for them, but now she was crying because she had no energy to pretend for you. You finally saw the battle she was fighting to stay alive, to keep breathing, to keep those eyes open. You held onto her tight, and prayed never to let go, but all too soon she had fallen asleep again. The anticipation of morning was once again strong as you counted the minutes till the sun would meet the clouds and her smiles would return, and she would continue to fight.



You had been there. There was nothing more you could do, and she knew that.



She was strong. She told herself this every day, so that when she did drift off, she made sure that she would see the sun rise the next morning, that she would see the shine in your eyes when they came her way and saw her looking out at the horizon, claiming another day to live.



She didn’t mean to let go that day, it had been by accident, she had been so tired that she thought she could close her eyes for just a moment, but she had been distracted, and hadn't focused her thoughts on waking up again. She had missed the sun rise that morning; she knew that it was sign. She had never missed it. She realised then that she had only survived this long by strength that came from seeing the sun bath its orange glow across her skin. Without it she was once again weak, foolish, a child.



You needed her, and she was leaving. She could never come back. She felt the hot tears fall down her face as she realised that she would not wake up this time, that she would not see the shine in your eyes one more time.



She could not look at you to see the realisation she now knew. She was going to die today, and she couldn’t stop it this time. She pulled all her strength together and remembered all the times when you cried, all those times you wept for her to keep going, to keep living, when you gave all you had when she had given up only a little for the day and had let the night take a hold of her.



As she remembered, she wished she could tell you that she would never leave you; she would always be there by your side, giving all she had so that you could be strong. So that you could one day stand and turn away, leaving her lying there alone. She wished she could tell you one last time that she loved you, that she loved you deeply and that she would never forget you, no matter where she went, that she would remember the shine in your eyes and that it would guide her through the darkness.



But most of all she wished that she had the strength to open her lips and whisper the words she had always wanted to say but always knew would hurt you if you found out. She wished that while you were crying, weeping, giving all you had, thinking she was asleep, she wished she had only said, “Daddy, I’m still awake.”