I Said I Would Go

MorganRay



“O time, thou must untangle this, not I.
It is too hard a knot for me t’untie.”

-Shakespeare “Twelfth Night” -

Overtime

5:32.

It was thirty-two minutes and fifteen seconds exactly after the beginning of the holiday break. Surrounded by files and parchment, Tonks had not realized the day had already slipped away. She stared dumbly at the clock, but she wasn’t surprised she didn’t hear the holiday parties in the cubicles down the hall. She also wasn’t surprised that no one had invited her to the festivities.

‘I’m not very festive, am I?’ Tonks thought ruefully as she looked down at the file she was finishing. There were three more she wanted to get done, but since she had cloistered herself in her new closet cubicle, she found it easier to work. There were no windows here with fake weather to distract her and make her daydream about running away from the desk where she usually felt confined. No one would interrupt her every couple of minutes to have a chat. No, she had been the most productive Auror when it came to updating and filing cases this year.

‘Better finish working,’ Tonks thought as she pulled out one of her last files. As she began to check the file’s facts, she knew it hadn’t always been this way. She pushed the days where she had been the spunky life of the Auror office out of her mind. No one thought of her that way anymore.

‘And isn’t it for the best? I should have grown up a long time ago,’ Tonks scolded herself as she scratched across the parchment. She checked the name of the Aurors that worked that case. Had they updated their file? Yes, they had, but she didn’t think some of the notes were particularly in-depth. However, they were more than the one sentence she had scrawled down in her case files. That had changed, too. Now, she wrote sheets of parchment on every case she did.

But she hadn’t been assigned many cases lately. She had been unofficially relegated to the realms of the office. ‘But maybe it’s better this way,’ Tonks reasoned as she attached her own notes to that case file before putting it in her finished bin. ‘I was always too eager to be in the action and get killed. Maybe this is where I’m supposed to be,’ she tried to convince herself as she began to read the next file.

‘Missions,’ Tonks thought as she skimmed over the details of the wizard who had been apprehended for exposing himself to Muggles. ‘Missions,’ she thought again as she lost interest in this boring case, ‘what missions? I certainly haven’t been on any of those lately, either. It’s probably for the best.’

If her status as an Auror had changed, her status within the Order had undergone a massive shift as well. It had begun with her. ‘Well, no, it didn’t begin with me, but maybe it did,’ Tonks thought as she forced herself to make thorough notes on her recent case.

‘Dumbledore wanted more of me,’ she recalled the Headmaster’s eagerness for her to have more responsibilities and take on more daring missions that involved stealth and disguise. In the end, she rejected many of the things he offered her. She would watch people in disguise when need arose, but she did not volunteer to go anywhere or do anything special.

‘Your skills as an Auror are valuable to the Order, Tonks,’ had been the words she remembered Dumbledore using when she rejected one of his offers.

‘It’s not for me,’ were the only words she had.

‘An odd thing for an Auror to say,’ Dumbledore had replied. As she turned to leave, he told her, ‘You are only as broken as you think you are.’

Tonks shuffled away another file. ‘You are only as broken as you think you are,’ she repeated the words to herself and sighed audibly. ‘Well, then, I’m very broken. I can’t even adjust my facial features any more. That’s probably why I haven’t been given any other Auror assignments. I’m useless.’

She went to grab the last case file and paused. She fingered the thick packet that she relegated to the end of the stack. She didn’t want to do this file, but she forced herself to open it. The name ‘Sirius Black’ was scrawled at the top. Quickly, Tonks flipped Sirius’s mug shot over and began to leaf through the documents. Many Aurors had reviewed this file since Sirius escaped Azkaban. They all combed its pages for information as to where they might catch him. In the end, Sirius’s own need to feel useful again had outweighed any concern he had for his safety.

‘I’m glad one of us didn’t catch him,’ she thought as she thumbed through the pages. They were stark, legalistic, and cold, and they didn’t resemble the man she had come to know over barely a year. They were both in London, and when she accepted what happened with Sirius, she found herself able to be in his company, and it was often Tonks that had kept him from completely losing his mind inside of his old childhood home.

‘Not me alone,’ she recalled as she scanned the pages for the one name she knew she wouldn’t find. Nowhere in Sirius’s file was Remus Lupin ever mentioned. His name had never been included in the stories she heard about her mom’s cousin. It had been an accident, actually, that she met Remus before she joined the Order. She had been at her parent’s, well, her dad’s home at that time. He arrived with a letter for her mom, but at that time, her mom and her dad were not together.

‘The contents aren’t specifically for you,’ he told her when she realized he had a letter to her mom that he wasn’t willing to give her. However, Tonks’s curiosity sparked to life, and she demanded the letter and even bartered with an Unbreakable Vow. However, Remus relented and gave it to her with one condition.

He told her, in all seriousness, ‘If you want to read this letter, do it in the presence of Albus Dumbledore.’ Tonks remembered her skepticism at that request. What did her old Headmaster have to do with any of this?

Later in the day, she sat in the house with Remus’s letter in her lap. She fingered the seal and touched the parchment as if feeling it might simply impart its contents into her mind. When that failed, she decided she might as well open it. As she was about to break the seal, Tonks stopped herself. She stuffed the letter in her pocket. ‘I tried to open that damned letter for weeks,’ Tonks thought as she refocused on Sirius’s case file. However, the papers held little interest for her. ‘This is all a fraud,’ Tonks thought bitterly as she flipped through more pages. ‘I can’t even write his death on these pages.’

‘Sirius’s death changed everything,’ Tonks realized as she gazed unseeingly down at the parchment. She would come over and share some ale and spirits with Sirius, and at one of those visits, she saw Remus for the second time. It hadn’t been as memorable as the first time, but she noted he was genuinely pleased she listened and talked to Dumbledore about Sirius.

‘See, if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be here with you, would I?’ she teased as she poured everyone another glass of spirits. Of course, other things were happening, but as she got to know the Order members, she realized she did belong, and her time spent in Grimmauld Place increased.

‘No, it wasn’t coincidence after a while,’ Tonks realized as she stared down at her desk. It soon became a party of three that would get together when they were bored to chat and drink. ‘Keeping Sirius’s spirits up’ became almost an excuse to just drink a bottle of wine almost any time. However, the gatherings became so frequent, at one point, that it became obvious to Tonks that Sirius was acting only as a buffer to what was really happening.

‘Because I didn’t want to admit to what I was feeling,’ Tonks thought, ‘but I wasn’t the only one. Damn you, Remus, I don’t know if I was even the first one to get the idea. If you won’t say, then I can’t say. Maybe we both decided, separately, at the same time, to play that game of getting together with Sirius.’

Tonks shut Sirius’s file and looked at the clock again.

6:47

‘I should go,’ she told herself as she stood to put on her thicker, wool robes to protect her from the cold. The drab, gray cloak folded over Tonks, and she tucked her brown-haired ponytail into the collar. Stowing her wand in her pocket after flicking off the lights that were left on in her part of the office, Tonks walked through the deserted Auror division of the ministry.

‘No doubt they’re all at home with their families,’ Tonks thought bitterly. ‘Christmas with my family,’ Tonks thought glumly as she walked towards the elevator. She remembered her shock and disgust when her dad sent her an owl saying her mother had come back around the time Voldemort had returned. They were getting back together, and Tonks could not be more disgusted by the fact.

‘Do I hate my mum?’ Tonks asked herself again. ‘No, that’s not right,’ she realized as she walked through the Atrium. However, she froze in the middle of the grand room. She hated this room, and she wanted to leave, but Tonks found herself fixed to her spot by something other than magic.

She wasn’t going back to the Burrow for Christmas, and there was no question about that fact. ‘I said I would go home,’ Tonks thought as she looked down at her feet. She tried to conjure pictures of her mother in her mind, but none of them reassured her. Her father hadn’t mentioned much of what her mother had done for most of Tonks’s life, but the first time she had seen her again was when Remus and Tonks had gone to tell Andromeda of Sirius’s innocence.

And then, they had told her of Sirius’s death. Her mom couldn’t believe all of it. In the end, she read the letter Tonks opened with Dumbledore, and then, her proud mother sank down and sobbed. Tonks stared at her, and she felt only contempt.

‘Where were you, then, if this is so sad for you?’ she’d asked Andromeda in front of Remus and her father.

‘Nymph �“‘

‘Don’t start calling me that just because she’s back!’ Tonks spat at her father. She shook her head and stared down at the pathetic woman. ‘I was here. I cared enough for Sirius to be here.’

She didn’t let her mum explain, and she left the house. She got letters, but she didn’t want to write back. In fact, she wrote to no one anymore. ‘Because it’s not worth it,’ Tonks thought as she looked around the Atrium with a shudder.

‘I hate this damned place,’ Tonks thought as she realized she stood alone. Walking through here every day felt like torture after Sirius’s death, and now, this place felt like salt grinding itself into a wound that was trying to heal.

‘Oh, fuck it,’ Tonks thought as she headed towards one of the fireplaces. She grabbed a handful of silver powder and shouted, “the Leaky Cauldron!” Tonks strode through the emerald flames and out onto the ashy, unkempt hearth. The place seemed less crowded, but Tonks preferred it that way.

“Dragon Ale,” Tonks told the bartender as she dug out her galleons and laid them on the counter. She hopped up on a stool and began to use the tolerance she built up during many an auror party. With a gulp, Tonks finished her first drink and waved for another one.

With the alcohol came some of the relief from the tension she felt during the day. Looking around at the empty pub, Tonks felt awkward sitting at the empty bar. ‘I guess I’m the only sad, brave sap that’s out tonight,’ Tonks thought dimly as she stared down into the grimy glass before she took another drink.

‘Too bad it’s not like the old days,’ Tonks thought as she took another swig. ‘If Sirius were here, this never would have happened. Maybe we’d all be getting together with my lousy, cowardly mum. Hell, it would be better than this. Maybe I’d still be a useful auror.’

“Blizzard outside!” Tonks jumped when someone spoke beside her. She blinked at the young man that slid down on the stool beside her. “I see you’re the only one brave enough to be out, huh?” he teased. “Two malt whiskey’s, please.”

“Good choice,” Tonks said as she took the new drink. She sighed as the edges of the world seemed smoothed at and not as jagged and harsh. As she eyed up the man, still bundled up in fur robes, she asked, “So, stranger, what’s your name?”

As he turned and smiled at her, Tonks felt a pulling in the pit of her stomach, but she returned the smile anyway.

He Said, She Said

“This fellow is wise enough to play the fool;
And to do that well craves a kind of wit.”

- Shakespeare “Twelfth Night” -



The stranger at the bar looked at Tonks with sparkling, blue eyes. ‘No, he can’t be drunk already,’ Tonks thought as she met his gaze. ‘Oh, he’s flirting with me. I guess I forgot what normal people do to flirt.’

The young man removed his crimson fur cap and brushed off the thick clumps of snow. When he took off his fur cloak, it dripped water and snow all over the floor around his bar stool. “So, you must be a brave witch to be outside tonight,” the young man commented as he took a drink. “I’m Bjorn Asketorp, by the way, and you are?”

Tonks took a swig of her own drink before she introduced herself. “Just call me Tonks.”

Bjorn laughed and rested his red, flushed cheek on his hand. “What brings you out on such a wintry night?”

Tonks finished her drink and waved for the bartender to bring her another one over before she said, “You know, some holiday cheer. You, sir, are the crazy one. I just came from work.”

“Ah, a well deserved drink,” Bjorn replied as he, too, ordered another drink. “Maybe I am crazy, but maybe I just happen to be a wizard who remembers that he has legs for a reason.”

Tonks sighed and looked down at the table. “I guess Dark Wizards don’t scare you, either, huh?” she asked as she traced a knot on the bar top with her finger while she continued to take gulps of her drink.

“Hmm, not enough to keep me indoors on a lovely night like tonight,” Bjorn replied, and Tonks chuckled even though she didn’t look up at him. ‘He might be a fool, but I guess the Death Eaters might not be active during a blizzard, either. Maybe he’s not so crazy.’

‘Maybe I’m the crazy one,’ Tonks thought as she stared into her murky ale. ‘No, maybe Sirius was the crazy one. Maybe we were both crazy.’

Tonks hazarded a visit back to Grimmauld Place after Sirius’s death to investigate his room. ‘That was crazy behaviour. I could have been caught,’ Tonks thought about how she entered the house to go into her dead cousin’s room. She intended to take some personal affects, but she just ended up sitting on the floor.

‘For all my silliness, I wasn’t alone,’ Tonks remembered her shock when it had been Remus that walked through the door instead of one of her less savoury relations. For a moment, they both did not know what to say.

‘It was our first time together, except when we first met, without someone as a buffer,’ Tonks recalled. They both sat down on the floor, and the silence stretched between them until Remus said, ‘What a fool. Why couldn’t he stay put?’

Even as he spoke, Tonks knew she would have done the exact same thing as Sirius. ‘It’s Black blood,’ Tonks teased, but she didn’t smile as she spoke.

‘We shouldn’t be here,’ Remus muttered as he got off the floor. When Tonks didn’t move, he offered her his hand. When she took his hand, Tonks didn’t meet Remus’s eyes. ‘I’m sorry, you know,’ Tonks murmured as she stood and dusted off her robes from sitting on the grimy floor. ‘I mean, I only knew Sirius what, a year? The two of you were friends for life.’

‘It’s happened before,’ Remus replied in a monotone voice, and this time, Tonks did look up at his face. She couldn’t say what she read there, but it left her aching inside. She didn’t speak because the words she wanted to say could not be said.

Tonks jerked her head up when she felt a tap on her arm. “You said you got off work. Where do you work?” Bjorn asked, and Tonks shook herself free from her mental free fall.

“At the Ministry,” Tonks muttered as she finished her drink before mumbling, “I’m an Auror.”

Bjorn, however, caught her little slip of speech because she watched as his eyes shot up. However, he only laughed when he said, “No wonder you’re out and about!” Then, Bjorn ordered them another round of drinks, and when the ale came, he took a swig before saying, “You know, I work at a ministry, too.”

“A ministry? So you’re a foreigner?” Tonks asked, and then, she giggled and added, “Well, that explains why you’re a little mental, huh?”

Bjorn leaned in closer to Tonks. “It explains why I love the snow. I’m from Sweden.”

“I see,” Tonks muttered as she looked into his crystal blue eyes. She resisted the urge to brush a wet, limp lock of his platinum blonde hair that had fallen free for the gelled structure he had combed it into. When Bjorn pulled away from her, Tonks reached for her drink and took several swings.

“I work as a foreign relations person, you might say,” Bjorn told Tonks while he brushed the strand of hair out of his face that had bothered her moments ago. “I get to deal with many of the visitors to the country as their official ministry escort.”

Tonks snorted. “So, you get to kiss a lot of people’s asses? Set yourself up with some rich, foreign ministers?”

Bjorn chuckled as both of them took a break to take a sip from their drinks. “I believe the Muggles call it networking,” Bjorn teased as Tonks decided to finish her drink.

‘This feels nice,’ she thought as she laid out the galleons for another round for the two of them. Tonks traced the weather worn, warped knot on the bar top again. This time, though, her numb hands couldn’t feel the rough, splintery surface of the table top. Everything felt smooth, soft, and even the drab Leaky Cauldron became inviting and coloured with the rosy glow of alcohol.

Tonks looked up at Bjorn when he coughed. When she saw his face, she giggled and began on her next drink. She waited for Bjorn to speak, but he only eyed her with a grin on his lips. “What are you thinking?” Tonks asked as she leaned towards him.

“I think you’re drunk,” Bjorn said.

“I think you would be right,” Tonks replied as she held up her already half empty mug. “Cheers.”

Bjorn raised his mug, and the two glasses clunked together. “I also want to know if you’d like to leave this place. I can promise more wine back at my hotel,” Bjorn asked as he leaned towards Tonks again.

“I-I’m seeing someone,” Tonks stuttered out her gut reaction to his request. A frown crinkled Bjorn’s fair face, and he pulled back away from the young Auror. ‘I bet I confused the shit out of him,’ Tonks thought as she turned to stare down into her mug. In the depths of the old, poorly washed mug, still half full of alcohol, Tonks saw nothing that would help her.

“It might not be a bad idea. It would be better than waking up here,” Bjorn suggested, but Tonks did not look up at him. She watched her own reflection in the surface of the liquid, but her reflection flickered and twisted so she couldn’t recognize it. ‘He’s right,’ Tonks thought as she continued to look down into her glass. Tonks remembered waking up, cold and with a pounding headache, in one of the upper rooms of the Leaky Caldron. ‘What a shitty way to start the holidays,’ Tonks thought as she drained her glass.

“All right, Bjorn, let’s take a long, romantic stroll through a blizzard to your place,” Tonks said as she set down her mug. That teasing sparkle jumped back into Bjorn’s watery blue eyes as he went to put is fur cloak and cap back on to leave.

Tonks got up and put on her wool cloak, and together, they left the pub. When they stepped outside, the biting winds cut into Tonks’s face as the snow whipped around them in thick, white clouds. Tonks giggled because the cold and snow that drifted around her could hardly be felt through the numbness induced by the past hour in the bar.

Flinging her arms out, Tonks raced through the snow like some colourless bird trying to fly up into the storm. She giggled as she kicked the dust up into the air and ran against the whipping white shards that stung her cheeks. Finally, when Tonks could breathe no more, she collapsed down in a drift and stared up at the swirling snow globe falling down upon her. Tonks felt like she looked through a tunnel as the falling snow raced towards her. In the darkness, the little specks looked sharp and silver as glass.

She felt something hit her, and she turned and realized Bjorn lay beside her. “What are you doing?” Tonks asked.

“I’m making a snow angel!” he said as he flapped his arms through the snow. Tonks giggled as she collapsed back into the spot where she fell and flapped her arms. She thrashed around so wildly she couldn’t tell what snow fell because she put it back into the air or what snow fell because it came from the sky.

When the snow angel seemed done, Tonks took a handful of snow and dumped it on Bjorn. When he went to wipe off his face, she grabbed another handful of snow and dumped it upon him. Then, he pelted her with a snow ball. Tonks jumped up and made a ball of her own to whip at him.

They ran through the drifts, pummelling each other, until Tonks ducked behind a trashcan to hide from him. She formed a couple balls in her hand and ran out to surprise him. She threw them at his back, but he caught up to her and threw one in her face.

Laughing and brushing the snow out of her face, Tonks pushed Bjorn down into the snow again. He sat there, his black fur cloak speckled like a Dalmatian, and grinned up at Tonks. She giggled, and then, Tonks realized she was shivering.

‘Why did I decide to wear panty hose?’ Tonks wondered as she rubbed her legs together to keep them warm. ‘All of this adult, business attire is soaked completely through,’ Tonks realized as she fingered her skirt and cotton blouse. Tonks tried to pull her wet, wool coat closer to her body, but it did no good because every part of her was soaked. ‘This is what I get for trying to look like an adult,’ Tonks thought bitterly as she tried to stop her teeth from chattering.

Then, Tonks realized Bjorn stood beside her. Without thinking, she flung her arms around his waist. His damp cloak did not warm her, but she could feel the heat of his body through the cloak. As she held him, she felt his breathing.

For a while, they stood there in silence, but Bjorn did not embrace her. Only the snow caressed Tonks as it continued to bite at her exposed legs. “I think you lied about being with someone,” Bjorn muttered after a while. Tonks pulled away from his chest and looked up at his face while she kept her arms locked around him.

Bjorn’s pitying gaze fixed upon Tonks, and she said, “I-I did. I-I’m not with anyone.”

“But you want to be with someone, but that person is not me,” Bjorn said as he stepped out of Tonks’s embrace. Her hands fell down at her sides like they were soaked and limp from the water.

“I-I’m sorry,” Tonks stammered, and she knew the chill she felt inside was from more than just the biting cold and stinging snow that attacked her.

“Can I Apparate you home?” Bjorn suggested. Tonks nodded and tried to clamp her jaw shut to stop her clattering teeth.

Tonks told Bjorn where to go, and he put his arm around her shoulders. This time, she did not cling to him, and after the pop, they stood in a wintery woods. The sound seemed to be sucked up by the snow, and Tonks could only hear the two of them breathing and her teeth chattering. In the woods, the wind died and lost its bite, but the snow still fell in thick clumps and clung to Tonks’s already soaked wool cloak.

“I lied, too,” Bjorn muttered, and his voice seemed to be muffled by the silent woods. “I don’t like working with foreign dignitaries and ministers. I deal with everyone that comes over, and it’s the unwanted people I like the best. They’re always the most interesting, and I know I don’t have to impress them.”

“I-I understand,” Tonks stammered as she pulled away from Bjorn and looked through the trees at the only light in the woods. Light from cottage windows shined on patches of snow and turned them golden. That warm light, not so far away, illuminated the darkness, and it allowed Tonks to turn and see Bjorn’s face. “I-I don’t want to go home. We d-don’t get along.”

Bjorn sighed and brushed the snow out of Tonks’s hair. “It’s better than where I’m going to be this holiday. Go home.”

With a crack, Bjorn disappeared, and Tonks found herself standing alone in the silent woods. ‘How did I end up here? Tonks thought as she stared around at the branches, which were pregnant with several inches of snow and gaining more each minute. ‘How did I end up using this man?’

‘Never mind, I know why I’m here,’ Tonks thought. ‘It’s because I’m not with Remus. That’s why I’m here.’

The last time she had seen him was after one of the Order meetings. Remus hadn’t been at many of the meetings, but he was reporting in during this particular meeting. She refused to meet his gaze. ‘Being surrounded by all the Order members felt like being trapped in a cage,’ Tonks thought as she stared down at the snow swirling around her feet.

After the meeting, she managed to catch Remus before he left. She realized by his quick strides that he was trying to escape before she could say anything. ‘I couldn’t blame him,’ Tonks thought bitterly, ‘because our last encounter went so well.’

He strode away, so she had yelled, ‘Where are you staying for the holidays?’

She saw Remus flinch at the question, and his reaction poured ice water on her heart. Finally, he turned around and said, ‘I’ll be away on Order business.’

Tonks remembered he couldn’t even force a smile. His face remained hard and frozen. ‘That’s nice,’ Tonks replied, ‘I’m heading home to see my parents. It’s been a while, you know.’

He did know. She matched his statement and let him know how miserable she would be during the holidays. However, her silent plea did not change his response. ‘Well, then, have a happy holiday.’

“I’m not spending these holidays with you. Have fun being miserable’ is what he really said,’ Tonks thought as the same ice cold feeling that chilled her heart that day chilled her body now.

She looked back towards the cottage. ‘My parents,’ Tonks wondered as she stared at the cosy looking house from outside in the blizzard. ‘I’m sure they would take me, but I don’t want to be here. I want to be here as much as Remus wants to be celebrating his holiday gods know where.’

As Tonks rubbed her arms around herself to try and keep warm, she thought, ‘I told him I would go. And maybe Bjorn’s right. It’s better than most places this time of year.’

Auld Lang Syne

“I never hurt you:
You drew your sword upon me without cause;
But I bespoke you fair, and hurt you not.”

- Shakespeare “Twelfth Night” -




Several days passed inside the cottage in the slumbering winter woods. At first, while the storm blew and lay snow across the branches and the already white blanketed ground, Tonks found comfort in her old room. She woke, ate, and read by the fireplace. She chatted with her dad while the winter winds whipped outside the ice covered windows. While she rested, Tonks tried to evade the one person she was not eager to talk with and not eager to see.

Her mother’s presence in the small cottage caused Tonks to flit like a shadow from the rooms where Andromeda dwelt. When she heard Andromeda coming, Tonks would slip from the room and seal herself away in another corner of the house. When Tonks and her mother had to be together, Tonks answered all her mother’s questions in brief, clipped ‘yes’, ‘no’, and ‘fine,’ which would be met by a wrinkle in Andromeda’s forehead. Today, Tonks crept from her room and made her way down to the living room.

She rubbed the window and covered her eyes when the sun glared off the snow. ‘The storm must have stopped during the night,’ Tonks thought as she rubbed the fog off the glass pane so she could look into the forest that glittered like it had been covered with diamonds instead of snow.

Turning away from the window, Tonks reached to finger one of the bulbs, but as she touched the shiny, metallic surface, one of the pine needles sliced her finger. Yanking her hand away, Tonks stuck her finger in her mouth and sucked on it to stop the bleeding. Then, Tonks pulled out her wand and tapped the branches on the tree that stood in front of most of the glass pane and took up a good portion of the tiny, low ceilinged room. When her wand tapped the branches, the little lights placed across the tree flared to life and twinkled like little candles that had come to rest on the tree branches. The lights made the silver tinsel and golden beads draped across the branches shimmer like real gold and silver hidden in the deepest vaults of Gringotts. Tonks stared into one of the blue bulbs before she turned away and walked into the kitchen to put water on to make hot chocolate.

While she searched for her mug, Tonks missed the footsteps that announced the entrance of Andromeda into the kitchen. “Would you mind making me a glass, too?” Andromeda asked, and the request almost caused Tonks to drop a mug. ‘It figures my fool dad put off shopping until Christmas Eve,’ Tonks thought as she realized why her mother probably sought her company. She sighed and pulled another mug from the cupboard. ‘It was foolish to think I could avoid her forever,’ Tonks thought dryly as she dumped some cocoa into the two mugs.

“Could you find the marshmallows? I think they’re somewhere in the pantry,” Andromeda asked Tonks, who turned and flung open the pantry door.

‘Damn things have to be here somewhere,’ Tonks thought as she shifted aside cans and bags. Finally, in the back, Tonks spotted the half-opened bag of marshmallows. Tonks pulled them out and dumped several into each mug. “Been gone so long you forget where they were? But you never did have a domestic touch,” Andromeda commented as Tonks poured the water.

“Funny, I wanted to ask you the same question,” Tonks snapped as she set her mother’s mug down in front of her. Tonks picked up her own mug and went to retreat into the living room.

“I think it’s a good thing you came home. You don’t look well,” Andromeda commented, and Tonks sighed and turned around to face the woman still sitting at the table.

“Why did you come home? Did you finally feel guilty? Maybe you got ill?” Tonks asked Andromeda.

Her mother shrugged and replied, “No, I just woke up one morning and realized I wanted to see my family again. I never stopped loving you and Teddy, you know.”

Tonks snorted and stalked back into the kitchen. She slammed her mug down on the table and said, “Really? Did you just wake up one morning and decide you didn’t want a family, too?”

“I married right after I left school. I was seventeen when I married. I always wanted to travel, and so I did,” Andromeda replied as she stood up to meet her daughter’s eyes. “I traveled around the world and served as a specialist to various ministers. When I read a paper about what was happening back here, I realized I wanted to come home.”

Tonks scowled and turned away from her mother. As she tried to escape to the living room, Andromeda followed her and said, “You never change your appearance any more. I have barely heard a sentence from you since you entered this house. You came home and threw up all night because you were so drunk! What kind of behavior is that from a young woman?”

Tonks spun on her heel and faced her mother. Her voice began to rise as she said, “Are you talking about my behavior? Let’s talk about how many of those ministers you slept with while getting your jollies �“ ”

“Nymphadora! I never slept with anyone! I never felt anything for anyone except your father!” Andromeda shouted, and she stalked across the distance between her and Tonks. With a quick flick of her wrist, Andromeda slapped Tonks across her cheek. “I never stopped loving you. I never stopped loving Teddy! I just �“ ”

“You’re full of shit!” Tonks spat as she sprinted for the door. She slipped on her boats and rushed outside. The light bounced into her eyes and blinded her, but she ran through the drifts that were higher than her knees. Tonks jogged into the woods, knocking snow off the underbrush. As she passed through, the snow from low hanging branches fell on Tonks, but after a while, she stopped running.

“I hate you!” Tonks screamed. The forest swallowed her hate filled screams. “I hate you, mum!” Tonks shouted again, but the snow seemed to take the sound directly from her mouth and bury it like did the trees.

“I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!” Tonks screamed again through blue lips. She clenched her hands into fists and smashed them into the nearest small tree. The snow exploded off the branches and flew at Tonks like a swarm of tiny, attacking insects.

Even in her rage, the bright, shiny woods remained in a winter slumber. When Tonks’s rage subsided, she stood alone in the dazzling, white forest and stared around her. ‘I just hate everyone, don’t I?’ Tonks thought bitterly as she rubbed her stinging red hands together to bring warmth back into them.

‘I told Remus I hated him, too,’ Tonks remembered the warm day in July when she had chased Remus out of an Order meeting. ‘I really had no reason to blame him for running from me after what happened the last time we met,’ Tonks recalled in hindsight. ‘Of course, I never intended to let him go without a fight, either.’

Remus left the meeting first, and she knew he was trying to get away before they could speak. She cut across the room and sprinted after him as she stalked down the yard. She shouted the question at him before he could cross the Apparation boarder. ‘Why did you take that mission?’

Remus turned around, and his hesitation gave her time to come face to face with him. ‘You said �“ ’

‘I might as well put my particular situation to good use,’ Remus cut off Tonks’s protest. Tonks took a defensive stance and crossed both of her arms.

‘That’s all well and good, but I’m sure there’s plenty of things to do here,’ Tonks retorted. ‘You have other useful abilities, you know.’

Remus pursed his lips. ‘You put your unique talent to its best use, and I intend to do something good with this curse.’

His response angered her. ‘Stop thinking of yourself as damaged,’ Tonks snapped back at him. It hadn’t been a diplomatic response, and she wasn’t surprised that he seemed to become even more frigid and unyielding.

‘I suggest you keep yourself busy. There shouldn’t be a lack of anything to do,’ Remus tried to change the topic, but Tonks knew he was just trying to leave.

‘I don’t think of you as damaged. You’re more than your curse,’ Tonks hollered, and then, Remus grabbed her by the arm and drug her behind the Burrow’s shed so they couldn’t be seen. Tonks scowled and said, ‘Are you afraid I’ll make a scene?’

Remus shook his head and remained silent, but Tonks found she couldn’t keep her mouth shut. ‘You made up that mission yourself as an excuse to run away. You presented it to the Order today! Why can’t you change your mind?’

‘Because I’m responsible, ‘ Remus hissed through clenched teeth. ‘I’m not a child, Tonks. I told them I was going to do this, and I plan to go through with it.’

‘Is that what I am, a child? Is that the problem, then? Do you think you’re too old for me?’ Tonks spat back at Remus. She felt her mouth quivering into weird comportments between a grimace and a frown.

‘Forget this. Go and find yourself someone younger and whole,’ Remus murmured.

Tonks felt her heart leap up in her chest. ‘I don’t want someone else. I’ve been with plenty of young, whole people, but I want you,’ Tonks replied, and as she spoke, she couldn’t keep herself from talking louder and faster as if every sentence would be her last sentence to Remus.

‘I’ve seen more than you could imagine,’ Remus replied in a low voice. ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about when you say what you want. You don’t have enough experience to know.’

That answer grated like nails scraping across metal. ‘Experience? I’ve slept with plenty of those young, whole boys, and I know that’s more experience than you’ve had,’ Tonks shot back with what she knew was a low blow, but her answer had the desired effect on Remus. Now, he seemed to be getting genuinely upset, and Tonks hoped he might say what she desperately wanted to hear.

‘You are a silly child,’ Remus snapped through clenched teeth. ‘You are a silly child that needs to realize how the world works. I am cursed. That’s not negotiable, and I think you should move on with your life.’

‘But I don’t want to move on without you,’ Tonks murmured, but when she stepped towards Remus, he moved away and went to leave.

‘I suggest you grow up and realize you do not get what you want,’ Remus replied stiffly as he turned and strode towards the Apparation boundary.

As he walked away, Tonks shouted, ‘I hate you, Remus!’

Her voice had echoed across the lawn that day, unlike in the snowy woods, where the slumbering forest swallowed her venomous cries.

The numbness in Tonks’s body brought her out of her reveries. ‘What a fool I am, leaving the house without a coat’ Tonks thought as she tried to stop her clattering teeth. She looked around at the long, purple shadows and realized twilight crept upon the forest while she stood dumbly in her reveries. With stiff, freezing limbs, Tonks retraced her path back towards her childhood home.

When she slipped through the door, the scenes of the battle zone that day seemed as silent as the woods outside. Tonks sat on the couch and pulled a blanket around her body and tucked her legs under it because they were wet and numb. The only light left in the room came from the glittering Christmas tree. Tonks stared at the colorful bulbs that seemed to have turned into little, multi-colored suns in the darkness. Tonks’s face reflected back, warped and bulbous, from the surface of every colored bulb.

Tonks turned when she heard someone entering the room. Andromeda approached, and she halted a couple feet from Tonks and held out a mug. “I made some hot chocolate for you. Is it okay if I take a seat?”

Tonks deftly nodded as she took the mug offered to her. Tonks let the heat warm her frozen hands while Andromeda took a seat beside her. The two sat in silence as Tonks began to feel the numbness leaving her limbs. ‘Is she going to say anything?’ Tonks wondered. ‘She always has something to say.’

When the clock chimed eleven, Tonks stirred and turned towards her mother. “How did you and dad get together? I mean, how did he get you to fall in love with him?”

To her surprise, Andromeda laughed. Tonks began to sip her hot chocolate while her mother said, “It wasn’t your father who was interested in me. It was me that convinced him that we should go out, and finally, be together.”

Tonks raised an eyebrow and cocked her head. “I never imagined that, mum. I guess I thought, because of you being who you were, it would have worked out differently.”

Andromeda finished sipping her hot chocolate. “You thought I was a snob? Is it because I was a Black?”

Tonks shrugged as she rubbed her feet together to take away the remaining cold in her toes. “I guess so, but I always thought I was more like dad.”

“I see,” Andromeda said as she placed a hand on Tonks’s knee. “I suppose it would do you no comfort to know you’re like me, and in many ways, I guess you’re not. You were always more spontaneous, like your father, and never seemed to care as much for tradition and propriety. You were a little tom boy growing up, too, and it didn’t surprise me to learn you became an Auror.”

Tonks shrugged, glad for her mother’s extra warmth to help her chilled, wet body. “Keep telling me about how you and dad met,” Tonks asked again in a soft voice as she leaned against her mum’s shoulder.

Andromeda set her mug down on the floor while Tonks continued to sip her drink. “I went to Hogwarts, as you know, and was sorted into Slytherin like the rest of my family. Now, Sirius hadn’t gone to school yet, so there was no reason to think that anyone with the name Black would not be in Slytherin. Even though I was the eldest, I never really acted like it. I was a shy, quiet girl, and even though I never was in the bad graces of the other Slytherin students, I was never in their inner circle.”

Andromeda paused, and Tonks leaned to look at her mother’s face. Andromeda’s eyes were transfixed upon one of the many Christmas tree bulbs, and Tonks realized she wasn’t waiting for her daughter to say anything. Andromeda remained lost in the far away world of her school years where the world still held so many choices before her.

Finally, Andromeda continued to speak in a whisper. “I met your father in classes. He was loud, boisterous, and always had a crowd of people around him. He wasn’t necessarily charismatic, but his honesty had a way of putting people at ease. I found I was curious and attracted to someone, well, that was fun to be around. Of course, he was in Hufflepuff, so it took forever for me to finally get him to say anything but quick one word answers to me.”

“How’d you manage it?” Tonks asked as Andromeda reached over and absentmindedly started to stroke Tonks’s hair.

“I’m not sure,” Andromeda muttered, “I guess I was very persistent, and I was in Slytherin for a reason. I was a clever, cunning girl, and I would think of ways and barter favors so I could get closer to Teddy. At some point, he began to think I was worth his time, and we began secret friends.”

Tonks set her mug down and rested her head on Andromeda’s lap. “So you both liked each other, but neither of you wanted to admit it? How did you get him to realize he liked you? How did you go from friends to marriage?” Tonks asked her mother in a whisper.

Andromeda continued to stroke Tonks’s lank, wet hair. “I can’t say how it happened, really, but when we had the moment that we realized we were more than just friends, your father resisted for a while. Eventually, I convinced him it wouldn’t be the end of the world for him. I promised him all types of things, and I told him we could elope. He didn’t have to meet my family, and it might have been my eagerness to get disinherited that really convinced him I was serious.”

Tonks sighed and continued to stare at her round face in one of the blood red bulbs. “So it just . . . happened? I mean, what did you say to him?”

“Nymphadora, I don’t remember the exact words, but it worked. I didn’t regret any of it for a long time. After the war, I realized I had given up my dreams for the family I loved so much. I had a baby when I was eighteen. You, though, you went out and did everything you wanted to do when you were young.”

Tonks sighed and turned her head to look up at her mum’s face. “It’s not enough,” Tonks whispered, and she found she couldn’t say anything else because of the lump in her throat. Andromeda sighed and smoothed her thumb across Tonks’s forehead.

“Teddy and I will never disinherit you. You know you can always come home to us,” Andromeda muttered as mother and daughter locked eyes. Tonks, though, sighed and turned away to fix her gaze upon the shimmering tree. ‘It’s so bright,’ Tonks thought as she blinked a passing mist out of her eyes.

Andromeda stroked her daughter’s long, mouse brown hair. “Dear, you can love whoever you want. I don’t care if you’re in love with a cave troll.”

Tonks sat up before she fixed her gaze back on her mum’s face. “Mum, it’s not a cave troll. It’s almost as complicated, though.”

Andromeda’s lips twitched up into a small smile. “It figures you would never love someone simple,” Andromeda murmured as she picked up the two mugs that sat on the floor. “House elf? Centaur? Giant?”

Tonks almost laughed, but she found she still did not have the ability to be joyful. “He’s human all except one night a month,” Tonks frowned as she told her mum the news. However, Andromeda only sighed and stood up.

“I’m going to bed,” Andromeda replied in a gentle whisper, “but it’s nice to have you home for Christmas.” Andromeda kissed the top of Tonks’s head before she turned to leave the room.

On her way out, she turned around and said, “This man of yours, don’t give up on him. If you love him, he’ll come back.”

Tonks let her mum walk out of the room without another word. She sat in the room lit by the soft lights of the tree while she listened to her mum put things away before walking upstairs to sleep. While Tonks sat staring unthinkingly at the tree, she realized how wet she still was, so she found a pillow and another blanket and lay down on the couch. She curled up to make herself small inside the thick blankets.

The lights on the tree twinkled like stars on a dark night, and they seemed just as far away as stars to Tonks. ‘I wonder if the stars are out tonight,’ Tonks thought. ‘The storms passed, so maybe the stars are out now. I wonder if he’s star gazing. Maybe he’s only tree gazing, too.’

Tonks sighed as she watched the lights illuminate the tree and turn simple, gaudy bead, tinsel, and bulbs into planets, shining galaxies, and bright, streaking tails of comets as they shot across the sky. As she stared at the lights, she began to stare past them. ‘If you love him, he’ll come back,’ Tonks thought of her mother’s words.

‘There was a moment when I thought it would work,’ Tonks remembered as she stared through the Christmas decorations to see a time long past. It had been after Sirius’s death, and she met up with Remus to hold an impromptu funeral for Sirius. They had no body to bury, so they put a little cross in the ground and said a couple of sentences.

It had been Tonks’s idea to go back to her place to have a drink for old time’s sake. ‘It’s the way I remember Sirius,’ Tonks had told Remus, who had agreed when she said that to him. They Apparated back to Tonks’s apartment, and she pulled out some of the best alcohol she had on hand.

She poured the spirits, and they sat in silence and drank for a while. The buffer that had been Sirius was now gone, and at first, neither of them knew how to deal with the absence. Finally, they got to chatting about what each of them were going to do now that things were changing after Voldemort’s return had become official.

‘I suppose I’ll go on a bunch of missions,’ Tonks commented. ‘I mean, what else am I going to do? I’m an Auror, after all, and I hate desk work.’

‘I think I’ve had enough of missions,’ Remus replied. ‘I saw my fair share in the last war.’

They had more drinks and began to talk about what other people were going to do. In the mass of other people they talked about, Remus asked, ‘What about your family? What are they going to do now? Do they think they’re in danger?’

‘I don’t think so, and my mum deserves to be a bit anxious. I hate my mum. She goes away for most of my life, and now, she comes back and expects everything to be okay? And my dad, he just forgives her,’ Tonks ranted as she finished one of her drinks.

‘My mum is dead, and I haven’t spoken to my father for fifteen years,’ Remus muttered in reply. Tonks met his eyes and simply shook her head.

‘I didn’t know,’ Tonks muttered as she passed Remus the wine bottle. ‘It sounds like you hate your dad, and I hate my mum.’

After he poured himself another glass. Remus grinned and said, ‘It seems like we both have an Oedipus complex.’

They both laughed until they cried. Then, they couldn’t stop laughing, and everything so terrible and wrong seemed funny. When she heard a crack of thunder, Tonks’s head snapped up and looked outdoors. It had begun to rain, and Tonks giggled and said, ‘Let’s go play in the rain! Come on! It’ll be fun!’

Tonks pulled Remus out of his chair. The pair raced outside into the downpour, and Tonks laughed and danced around in circles. Then, she dipped down and splashed water from a puddle into Remus’s face. He laughed and leaned down to return the favor. They splashed each other until Tonks took off running, and Remus followed her.

They played a two-person game of tag in the warm, summer shower. When they were both out of breath and completely soaking wet, Tonks laughed and skipped over to where Remus stopped to catch his breath.

She flung her arms around his waist, and in the pouring rain, she pulled herself close to his body. She felt him breathing as she leaned against him and felt his warmth through his soaked clothes. He wrapped his arms around her, and she heard his beating heart as they stood together like two living statues.

Finally, Remus dropped his arms, and Tonks pulled away from his embrace just enough to look up into his eyes. What she had suspected for a while was written across his face. She smiled as she read the wondering look in his eyes. ‘Yes, it’s real,’ Tonks remembered the words she said.

With that sentence, though, she broke the trance. Remus pulled away from Tonks and said, ‘I’ll take you back to your apartment.’

He did not speak or look at her while they walked back to Tonks’s doorstep. As she walked up the first step, Tonks felt the moment slipping through her fingers like fine sand. She turned to Remus and asked, ‘Come and finish the bottle with me.’

‘I don’t think that’s a good idea,’ Remus replied and pursed his lips like he would do so many times after that when they fought.

Tonks tried again. ‘Please, Remus, for old time’s sake.’

Remus only shook his head and said, ‘Good bye.’

Tonks now saw the tree lights again, but it was through misty eyes. She buried her head in the pillow to stop the possible onslaught of tears. ‘It’s stupid for me to cry again after all these months. I’ve cried all the tears I have left in my body,’ Tonks thought bitterly as she turned her head back around to look at the tree.

The clock chimed midnight. Tonks turned her head towards it, and looked at the two aligned hands. ‘It’s Christmas,’ Tonks realized and sighed aloud. ‘What a way to spend Christmas.’

“Merry Christmas, Remus,” Tonks muttered to the empty room as the clock continued to chime. ‘I don’t hate you, I love you,’ Tonks sent her thoughts out across the stars to someone who she suspected was as miserable as she was.