Prologue

~x~

SEPTEMBER 1976

Severus Snape was the last to enter the potions classroom. While the other students unpacked their Potions books, he glanced about the room for a seat. It was then that he saw them. Peering out from behind his greasy fringe, his dark eyes bored into the back of James Potter’s head. Severus balled his fists and his stomach tightened - when had he and Lily become so friendly? As if he sensed someone staring at him, Potter turned around, throwing a smug smirk in Severus’ direction. He could almost hear the bully’s thoughts: as if you ever stood a chance with her.

On instinct, Severus’ fingers toyed with his wand, but he had more sense than to hex Potter in front of a class full of witnesses. Instead, he turned away from Potter with a bored look on his face. Severus would not give him the satisfaction of knowing he’d struck a raw nerve. Slipping into the closest empty seat, he silently removed several books from his bag. However, every few seconds his gaze flickered to the front desk. He picked up a quill, twirling it in agitation when he saw Potter touch Lily’s cheek, his knuckles turning white.

SNAP!

Severus muttered a curse under his breath as the quill splintered in two. He quickly fished another from his bag - it was his last one, so he decided not to touch it until it was necessary.

“All right, settle down now,� Professor Slughorn said, emerging from the small office annexed to the classroom. “I want you to work in pairs today to brew the Draught of Living Death. It’s a complex potion, but I have no doubt that there are one or two in this class who will gain top marks.�

Slughorn glanced from Lily’s table to Severus’, making it obvious to the rest of the class exactly who he meant.

“Off you go,� he said cheerfully.

Severus opened his copy of Advanced Potion-Making before finally acknowledging his partner for the lesson. He merely nodded at her, but quietly observed as she ran a long, delicate finger down the list of ingredients. Her name was Deirdre Harper; a Ravenclaw.

“Would you like me to fetch the ingredients?� she asked in a soft Irish brogue.

“Whatever,� Severus said dismissively, turning his attention back to his book.

A moment later, he heard the scraping of her stool across the stone floor. He kept his nose firmly in his book, but when he heard Lily laugh his eyes snapped toward her. When she slapped Potter’s arm playfully, cold jealously spread through Severus. Oh, how he hated James Potter.

“Ready to begin?� Deirdre smiled, her arms filled with ingredients.

Severus turned his head to her, giving her a cursory glance, then said, “Is everything there?�

She pursed her lips. “I read the list, didn’t I?�

Severus said nothing as he reached for a knife. “You start cutting the valerian roots, and I’ll cut up the Sopophorous Bean.�

“All right, but you would be better to crush…� Deirdre started to say.

“What does it look like I’m doing?� Severus snapped.

“Seriously, Snape, don’t get your knickers in a twist. I was only trying to help.�

An awkward silence settled between them, and Severus felt a stab of guilt for his childish behaviour. He shouldn’t be taking out his anger on her; he barely knew her, for Merlin’s sake. Sneaking a glance, he saw that the annoyance on her face had faded. His gaze then dropped to her hands and he was surprised at how swiftly, yet precisely, she cut the roots.

“How did you know to crush the Sopohorous Bean rather than cut it?� he asked in a neutral tone.

Deirdre pushed a pile of valerian roots to the opposite end of the chopping board with the flat of the knife in her hand. She started slicing another root, then said, “It’s obvious, isn’t it, crushing the bean will release more juice than by simply cutting it.�

Severus merely nodded. As he added the bean juice to the potion, he stole another fleeting look at Lily. She was focused on her work, while Potter stabbed at the valerian roots with disinterest. Severus couldn’t understand what she saw in Potter; after all, despite their different Houses didn’t she have more in common with him?

“All right, I’m done with the roots,� Deirdre said. She then turned her attention back to the method written in the book. “What do you say we experiment a little, Snape?�

“What do you mean?�

“Well, it says in the book that we have to stir the potion anti-clockwise until it turns as clear as water. It doesn’t quite make sense to do that, though, as continually stirring in the one direction will lesson the potency of the valerian roots.�

Severus considered her theory for a minute, then said, “You’re right.� He tapped his forefinger on his chin. “Valerian is an alkaline, so I suggest we try seven stirs anti-clockwise then one clockwise.�

“Hold on, let me do the Arithmancy.�

“Trust me, Harper, I know I’m right.�

A small smile tugged at the corner of her mouth as she said, “All right, let’s try it.�

After carefully adding the valerian roots, Severus picked up a glass stirring rod. He moved so that he was standing directly over the cauldron, and Deirdre moved to within inches of him. Normally he loathed having his personal space invaded but, for the sake of their experiment, he bit his tongue.

“Once I begin to stir, do not say a word,� Severus said firmly. "I need to concentrate."

Deirdre resisted the urge to roll her eyes. “Is there anything else you think I should be made aware of?� she asked dryly.

Severus’ lips thinned and he pointed to her belongings on the desk. “That is a quill, and that is a book, so don’t you think you would be better to take notes instead of just standing there.�

“You’re a complete arse, you know that, Snape,� she said, her voice low, heated. “I don’t know why I even bothered trying to be civil with you.�

Deirdre grabbed her stool, then dragged it to the far side of their desk. She slid her book towards her, dipped the quill into an inkpot, and began to write. Severus simply stared at her, his obsidian eyes cold, hard. A fresh wave of hatred for Potter washed over him; it was because of him that his friendship with Lily had soured. After a moment, he turned away from Deirdre to focus on the potion. He didn’t need her anyway; he would have reached the same conclusion about the valerian roots without her help.

By the end of the class, it was clear that Severus and Deirdre were the only two who had managed to produce a perfect Draught of Living Death. Severus silently revelled in Slughorn’s high praise, and managed to curb a smug smirk when the Marauders walked past him. Black and Lupin had made a hash of their potion.

“You make quite the formidable duo,� Slughorn said, drawing Severus’ attention back to him.

“Thank you, sir,� Severus replied, though he refused to look at Deirdre.

“Yes, it’s always a thrill to see the best minds in the year finally being brought together.�

Severus tried not to sigh as Slughorn geared up for one of his long winded speeches. He absently listened as the portly professor expounded on past pupils who had gone on to greater things.

“And so, I think it would be of vast benefit to both of you if you continued as partners for the foreseeable future.�

“I’m already partners with Mary Glasswater, sir,� Deirdre said, shifting the strap of her satchel uncomfortably. “She’s sick today. Madam Pomfrey made her stay in the Ravenclaw dorm.�

“Trust me, Miss Harper, you will find Potions this year much easier with a partner like Severus,� Slughorn said, smiling. “Right then, off you go to your next class.�

Deirdre made a beeline for the door the moment Slughorn turned away from them. Severus quickly gathered up his belongings and charged after her, his long strides quickly covering the distance between them.

“Harper!� he called.

She stopped and spun round. “What do you want, Snape, I’m late for my next class.�

“I hope you will take the Professor’s advice into consideration?� he said, sneering slightly.

Bristling, she said, “Did I miss something during the lesson? Because I was pretty sure you wanted to be anywhere else but with me.�

Severus stepped closer so that he towered menacingly over her, “Listen, Harper, you might not have any aspirations for the future, but I do. I need good references from Slughorn, and if that means having to put up with you for two years, then so be it.�

“Threatening me won’t get you anywhere, Snape,� she said, glaring up at him.

Clenching his fists as she walked away, Severus muttered a string of foul words. However, his conscience accused him as he strode towards the Slytherin common room. Was he going to treat everyone around him like a piece of rubbish because of what Potter did to him in Fifth year?

……….

Deirdre's cheeks reddened as she arrived late at Transfigurations. Professor McGonagall stopped speaking, and Deirdre felt every eye in the class room on her. On the left side of the room, she saw Sirius Black whisper something into James Potter’s ear, who then sniggered. No doubt it was one of the many Ravenclaw jokes that had been beaten to death years ago.

“I’m sorry I’m late, Professor, but Professor Slughorn wished to see me after class,� she said, then swiftly sat down at an empty desk in the back.

Professor McGonagall peered over the rim of her spectacles, then said, “Turn to page four in your textbook, Miss Harper.�

Deirdre could almost feel the other students’ disappointment; clearly they had been anticipating a dressing down from McGonagall. But she was a top student, unlike some of the tossers in her class. As the professor continued on with the lesson, Deirdre found it hard to focus. Her mind kept turning over what had happened in Potions and then in the corridor afterwards. Despite Snape’s waspish attitude, however, she had been impressed with his intellect. Slytherins were renowned for their cunning, but not always their intellect.

But his behaviour baffled her. She was usually good at reading people, but it was almost impossible to see what was going on behind Snape's black eyes. Snapping herself from her thoughts, she tuned into what McGonagall was saying. As annoyed as she was with him, she wasn’t going to let it bother her. After all, Mary would be back in class tomorrow. And Snape would just have to find someone else to partner with.

“Now, if you will copy down these notes and take the time to read over them, you will have much less difficulty when we begin our practical next lesson,� Professor McGonagall said, motioning towards the board.

A complex set of notes appeared on the blackboard with a single, elegant flick of McGonagall’s right hand. Deirdre took a clean piece of parchment from her bag and set about copying down the notes. She would scribble them down now, but would re-write them out neatly later.

Soon, she had all the notes copied from the board. With the rest of the class still writing furiously, she decided to take the time to make a few notes in her Potions textbook. In the margin of the book, she neatly wrote the changes that she and Snape had made to the Draught of Living Death. As she noted down how many turns clockwise and anti-clockwise were needed, she was struck for the first time at how quickly he had made the calculations. Nevertheless, she silently shook her head. If only he had some manners, then she might have considered partnering with him for the rest of the year.

Lifting her gaze from the textbook, she noticed that Sirius Black was staring at her again. He was incredibly attractive, but was also just as incredibly immature and self-righteous. Deirdre met his gaze with an uninterested look, then returned her attention to the Potions book. However, for the rest of the lesson, she could feel the gazes of Black and his nitwit friends upon her.

By the end of class, Deirdre simply wanted to get out of the room, as the four Gryffindors were driving her to distraction. She packed her bag as quickly as she could, but it was not quick enough. The Marauders formed a semi-circle around her, while Deirdre slid a hand into her pocket, curling her fingers round a polished walnut wand.

“What do you want? Didn’t you get a good enough look at me through class?�

Peter Pettigrew piped up first. “We just wanted to warn you -�

“Give you some friendly advice,� James Potter cut Peter off, pushing him to one side.

Deirdre crossed her arms over her chest: this should be good. “Oh?�

“We noticed Snape sat beside you in class today, and then you arrived late to McGonagall’s class looking all flustered. It’s a…how can I put it…it’s one of Snape’s trademarks - irritating people.�

“Is there a point to all this?� she asked, affronted that they would dare to presume to tell her who she could and couldn’t associate with.

Sirius Black rested his hip on the edge of the desk, then said, “You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble if you stay well clear of him. Lily Evans wished she had. He was supposed to be her friend -�

“But he called her the ‘M’ word,� Peter squeaked.

“Firstly,� she said angrily. “I am not Snape’s friend, and even if I was, who are you to tell me what to do?�

“Listen, Harper, we know what Snape is like, and if you’re not careful you could end up hurt, or worse.�

“I don’t have time for this,� she said, then pushed past Potter and Black.

“Don’t say we didn’t try to warn you,� she heard Potter call after her.

What arrogant gits, she thought as she strode down the corridor to the library. It was only the first week of Sixth year and already she was wishing her classes were back to the way they used to be, just Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff.

The library was unusually busy when she entered; the students’ enthusiasm, however, would wane over the next few weeks as it always did. Navigating her way through the rows of bookshelves, Deirdre soon found herself in the Potions section. It was, as she had hoped, empty. Professor Slughorn had handed them a recommended reading list in their first class, and she fully intended to read each book. After all, if she wished to become a Healer she needed to excel in Potions.

It didn’t take Deirdre long to find the necessary books. She soon located the first one on the list: Plant Roots and their Properties. Taking it back to her seat, she settled back comfortably and began to read. Some of the terminology was new to her, but it did not deter her from devouring the first two chapters in short order.

“Is this seat taken?�

Placing her finger on the last word she’d just read, Deirdre lifted her head, surprised to see Snape standing by the table. Her body tensed a little, wondering if he had come to badger her again about Potions class. She wasn’t sure how much more she could take of Gryffindors and Slytherins today, but decided not to start a confrontation by telling him to sod off.

“Sit wherever you want,� she said blandly, returning her attention to the book.

Severus’ brow rose ever so slightly; that had not been the response he’d been expecting. For more than ten minutes he had stood in a darkened row opposite from where Deirdre sat, warring with his pride. He had come to the library, as it was impossible to find five minutes of peace in the Slytherin common room. And he wanted to avoid studying outside, especially not after what happened during his OWLs last year. Finally, he had swallowed his pride and walked over to Deirdre.

She ignored him completely as he sought a book from the shelves, then sat down across from her. For a moment, he imagined that it was Lily sitting opposite him, and things were the way they used to be. The harsh reality, however, was that Lily was lost to him for good. It pained him, angered him even, that she had thrown herself into the arms of his tormentor.

“Are you here to read or did you want something, Snape?�

Severus glanced from the unopened book in his hand to Deirdre. She wasn’t as striking as Lily, though he was drawn to her cerulean eyes. They were alive with intelligence, but also tinged with wariness. He couldn’t really blame her, not after the way he had treated her earlier.

“Are all Ravenclaws this intrusive, or just you?� he said with sarcasm.

“Honestly,� she said, closing her book with an audible snap. “I don’t know who’s worse. Between Potter and his buffoons threatening me, and -�

Severus scowled. “Potter threatened you? Why?�

For the first time, Deirdre saw a flicker of emotion in Snape’s eyes. It was anger mixed with utter loathing. She had never paid attention to idle gossip, yet in a split second knew the rumours surrounding Snape and the Marauders were true.
“It doesn’t matter,� she finally said, wishing she hadn’t mentioned her encounter with Potter.

Snape continued to stare at her, his dark gaze causing her to feel strangely vulnerable. “It was because of me, wasn’t it?� he asked in a low, measured tone.

A sudden surge of compassion for Snape washed over Deirdre, followed closely by anger for his bullies. “James Potter is an arrogant toe-rag,� she said. “I’d put my trust in a goblin before taking any heed of the likes of him.�

Deirdre didn’t miss the slight curl of Snape’s lip at her comment. True, it was a sardonic curl of the lip, but it had seemingly amused him on some level. Without another word to her, he sat back in his chair and opened the book in his hand. She kept her gaze locked on him for a moment longer before returning to her own book. He was a complete enigma, but one thing she was certain of, Severus Snape was not the ogre the Marauders would have her believe he was.

……….

The next day in Potions, Severus deliberately chose to sit at a desk on the opposite side of the room from Deirdre. As he removed his belongings from his bag, he surreptitiously watched Potter and Black. Deirdre had neither denied nor admitted that he was the reason she’d been cornered by the Marauders yesterday, but Severus intended to find out. True to form, Sirius Black glanced over his shoulder, and after seeing Severus looking at him, he gave Potter a meaningful nudge. A rampaging Hungarian horntail would have more subtlety than those two, he thought caustically, while controlling the urge to sneer at them. In a matter of moments, though, after Black and Potter had finished gawking at Deirdre, Severus had all the answers he needed. His gall then rose in the knowledge that Potter had changed his tactics from open attacks to trying to turn students against him.

Behind him, he heard girlish giggles, but Severus didn’t raise his head as Lily swept past with her friend, Alice Fortescue. All night long, he had wrestled with questions concerning Lily’s newly found closeness with Potter. The most crushing thought, however, was why she could overlook Potter’s past mistakes but not his. Didn’t she understand how mortified and infuriated he had been at being hung upside down? He hadn’t meant to lash out at her, but then, weren’t friends supposed to forgive each other?

Severus felt himself slide into a dark place, allowing hatred to consume his despair. He listened absently to Professor Slughorn as he explained their lesson for that day. The scraping of stools across the stone floor snapped Severus from his brooding, and after scanning the blackboard, he went to collect the necessary ingredients.

Several students grimaced as they fished rat spleens and caterpillars from various jars, while others carried them eagerly back to their desks. Severus waited until his tormentors had returned to their seats before gathering up what he needed. He took another quick glance at the blackboard, then reached up to remove a jar of pickled rats tails.

“They’re not on the list you know.�

Turning round, he saw Deirdre standing beside him. His lips thinned, but he said nothing. Strange as it was, it seemed she had become the only ally he had outside of Slytherin and he did not want to push her away.

“But you’ve saved me the trouble of having to reach for them. I’ll take two tails, if you don’t mind.�

He arched an eyebrow, somewhat taken aback by her request. It was then that he recalled yesterday’s lesson and her keenness to think outside of their textbooks. And it seemed that she had come to the same conclusions as he had about Shrinking Solution.

“Of course,� he said, taking out two tails, placing them into a Petri dish she was holding.

“Thanks, Snape,� she said, offering him a small smile.

Severus followed her with his gaze as she returned to her seat. It wasn’t her intelligence that had him intrigued, as all Ravenclaws were intelligent; it was something else. Perhaps it was her willingness to take risks, though not in the same reckless manner as a Gryffindor. Or perhaps it was because she had not allowed their first frosty meeting to mar her opinion of him.

If only Lily had been so quick to forgive, he thought dejectedly.

Back at his desk, Severus carefully peeled Shrivelfigs, minced daisy roots, and sliced caterpillars. He enjoyed Potions, appreciating its complexities and preciseness. And while he held a secret passion for the Dark Arts, it was potion-making that calmed him, giving him satisfaction with every potion he successfully brewed.

On the other side of the classroom, Deirdre waved her wand, igniting a flame under a cauldron. Mary had rolled her eyes when she had returned with two rat’s tails among the other ingredients, saying that one day she was going to blow them all to smithereens. Deirdre had simply laughed, reminding Mary that she had been first in Potions for the last five years.

“I heard you had to partner with Snape yesterday,� Mary said quietly while adding leech juice to her cauldron. “If I’d had known that I’d have dragged myself to class, sick or not.�

Deirdre glanced over Mary’s head to where Snape was busy chopping and slicing. His normally stony features appeared relaxed, peaceful even. They had sat in a comfortable silence for over an hour in the library yesterday afternoon. Snape had then left without a word to her, but the mere fact that he had sat with her was perhaps the closest she would get to an apology from him.

“It wasn’t that bad, Mary,� she replied. “He’s actually very intelligent.�

“And from what I hear, a complete git.�

“Just exactly who did you hear that from?�

Mary prodded a rat spleen with a knife, seemingly reluctant to touch it. “It doesn’t matter who told me.�

Hearing her friend’s flippant tone, Deirdre stopped chopping, then whispered, “You went with him, didn’t you?�

“Merlin, Deirdre, you say it like it’s a bad thing. He’s the most popular and sexiest bloke in the school…Of course I went with him.�

“Sirius Black is an egotistical pillock, Mary. You can do better than him.�

Mary gave a short laugh. “You mean like Snape? I’d rather snog a troll.�

“No, I don’t mean Snape. But there’s Frank Longbottom, he’s a decent sort of bloke.�

“Frank is all right, but he’s the settling down type. Right now, I just want to have some fun.�

Deirdre didn’t really know how to respond, so she turned her attention back to her potion. As she continued with slicing the caterpillars she couldn’t understand why it bothered her so much that Mary found Snape repulsive.

“Uh, Deirdre,� Mary said, tapping her arm. “This doesn’t look right.�

Taking one look at the potion, Deirdre realised that Mary had added in too much leech juice. “Quickly, go and fetch another shrivelfig,� she said, hoping Professor Slughorn would not see her aiding her friend.

After Mary had brought back the shrivelfig and Deirdre was sure no one was looking in their direction, she added it to the potion. Stirring the Shrinking Solution anti-clockwise, it slowly changed from purple to bright green. Relieved, Mary quickly removed the stopper from a phial and ladled in the required amount of the potion.

“Thanks, Deirdre,� she said. “I owe you one.�

“Don’t worry about it. Just don’t tell anyone, OK.�

The class ended ten minutes later, and Deirdre could tell by the varying shades of green Shrinking Solution she had that Snape had once again brewed a perfect potion. She didn’t waste any time in packing up her belongings, as she did not want a repeat of her encounter with the Marauders.

……….

The clock on the wall in the library struck four thirty. Severus closed the book in his hand, stiffening slightly in his chair. Lessons finished an hour ago; surely if she was coming to the library she would have been here already. Severus drummed his fingertips on the table, wondering if he should just leave now. It had been a stupid idea to begin with and he didn’t know why he had talked himself into it.

For weeks he had been observing Deirdre in class, and sometimes he even caught glimpses of her in the Great Hall. Some days she spoke to him while they were collecting ingredients, but he was always aware of the Marauders. He wasn’t afraid of them; they had already done their worst to him. No, Severus did not want any harm to come to Deirdre on account of him. Potter might have Lily fooled, but Severus knew he was still the same bullying arse of a Gryffindor.

“Hi, mind if I join you?�

Severus turned his head in the direction of Deirdre’s voice. She smiled at him and his throat suddenly went dry. What in Merlin’s name was wrong with him? Quickly composing himself, Severus merely shrugged.

“I had planned on being here an hour ago, but Mary broke up with her latest boyfriend,� Deirdre said, sitting down with a sigh across the table from Severus. “Needless to say, it was all tears and drama.�

“I see,� Severus said.

“Have you finished Slughorn’s essay for Friday?� she asked, pulling out a bundle of parchments from her bag.

Severus frowned slightly. “Yes.�

“Don’t worry, Snape, I’m not asking if I can see yours. I finished mine two days ago.�

“What’s all that, then?� he asked, curious.

“Oh, I’ve dropped Ancient Runes.� Deirdre riffled through the parchments, pulling out what she was looking for. “I spoke to Professor Dumbledore about it and then he spoke to Professor Spindleweed, and he’s agreed to allow me into his Defence class if I catch up on all the work I’ve missed.�

Severus straightened in his chair a little. “Which class will you be in?� he asked coolly.

“I’ll have Defence on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays.�

“You’re in my class, then.�

“Is Potter in that class, too?�

“Yes, unfortunately.�

Deirdre smirked. “Well, at least I might get a chance to wipe the smug smile off his face.�

Severus arched an eyebrow. “You can duel?�

“I turned seventeen in July and my older brother taught me at home. He’s an Auror,� she said proudly.

“Do you want to be an Auror, too, when you leave school?� he asked.

“No, I want to be a Healer. If I gain all Os in my NEWTs I’ll be able to applying to the Irish Ministry for funding to complete my training. My dad’s a pureblood, but when he married my mum, my Granda Harper cut him off without a penny.�

“Your mother is -�

“Yeah, she’s Muggle-born. My Granda was livid when he found out; accused my dad of polluting the purest bloodline in Ireland.� Deirdre laughed bitterly. “I’ve never met any other Harpers apart from my Granda and Grandma, and I don’t think I really want to. Some of them are dark.�

Severus felt somewhat uncomfortable at her last words. He knew what she meant by dark and who they associated themselves with.

“Do you need help catching up on Defence work?� he asked, not wanting the conversation to turn towards his own dysfunctional family.

Seeming to sense his discomfort, she said, “Yeah that would be great…Severus.�

Severus’ ebony eyes softened somewhat at her use of his first name. It sounded good coming from her. He was further surprised when she rounded the table and took a seat beside him. For the next hour, he went through several lengths of parchments with her, explaining any terminology or magical theories she was unsure of. Several times she interrupted him with challenging questions, but, being in his element, Severus enjoyed every moment of it.

“That was great, Severus. Thanks.� Deirdre said as they packed up. “Maybe we could meet again tomorrow afternoon?�

“Sure,� he replied.

“Well, I better go and check on Mary.� She slung her satchel strap over her shoulder. “I’ll probably have to coax her to come down to the Great Hall for dinner.�

“I’ll see you tomorrow, then,� he said, shoving his hands into his pockets.

Deirdre smiled at him. “Yeah, Severus, I’ll see you tomorrow.�

Chapter One

~x~

DECEMBER 1978 – 2 YEARS LATER

Pulling his cloak tighter about him to shield himself from the biting wind, Severus Snape ploughed through the thick layer of snow that coated Diagon Alley. His black hair whipped across his face, creating a tangled mess, but he didn’t seem to care. As he walked, Severus avoided the gazes of other wizards and witches who passed by, not wanting to see their fear, knowing he was part of its cause. Soon, he took a passageway that led him into Knockturn Alley. Almost immediately, he sensed a difference in the atmosphere; the magic here was darker.

At last, Severus stopped outside an apothecary. He lightly banged the side of his shoes against the doorstep to remove loose snow before entering. The familiar, pungent smell of an array of potions assaulted his nostrils, calming Severus somewhat. He removed his cloak and hung it from a hat stand beside the front door. He then removed a hair elastic from his pocket to tie his tatty, black mop back; it was impossible to brew with hair dangling about his face. As he stretched the green elastic in his fingers, a small, rueful smile touched his lips. Deirdre had presented it to him one day in class, saying that he drove her insane by constantly tucking his hair behind his ears.

Deirdre…

He hadn’t seen her in months, not since they had parted ways on Platform 9 ¾. She had gone back to Ireland, while he had found himself back at Spinner’s End, for a time. They had become fast friends after their shaky beginning, yet he had never been brave enough to tell her that his feelings for her had run deeper than friendship. Everything about their friendship had been so perfect, and Severus had not wanted ruin it. She was the only person who he had let his guard down with after fifth year. In fact, he had confided in Deirdre concerning things he had never shared with Lily. During his last two years at school, his feelings for Lily had dwindled to a treasured memory, and she no longer held prominence in his heart.

The last six months, though, had been the longest, and the loneliest of his life. Of course, Deirdre had kept her promise, and he had received several letters from her since they had left school, all expressing her wish to see him again. And he desperately wanted to see her, but he couldn’t; not now, not after what he’d done.

“Ah, Severus, you managed to survive the elements, then.�

Turning, Severus nodded at his employer, Hector Gastrell. “We faced worse at Hogwarts.�

“No doubt, no doubt,� Gastrell said, rubbing his long, bony hands together, a cue that he wanted to get straight down to business. “I’ve had several orders placed since yesterday, and with this weather I can’t see us getting many customers today, so we should be able to finish the list by this evening.�

Severus crossed the small shop to the counter where Gastrell had set out the various orders. Several were simply for cures for the common cold, but others were more complex, darker. On instinct, Severus placed his right hand over his left arm, where the skin had burned with white hot intensity the previous evening. He despised Lucius Malfoy for luring him in and preying on his weakness – money, or rather, his lack of it. With his deceased father’s debts having been bequeathed to him, Lucius’ offer to fund his ambition to study under the great Potion masters in Europe had been too tempting to turn down. If only he had known how much it would cost in return.

“If you would deal with these orders, Severus, I will see to the rest of them,� Gastrell said, handing a bundle of parchments to him.

“Of course,� he replied.

Making his way into to the potions laboratory attached to the back of the shop, Severus set about gathering up what he needed. Alone, he allowed his hardened features to relax a little, but kept a wary eye on the door. Hector Gastrell was not a Death Eater, but Severus did not trust him. He seemed like the type of man who would betray his own flesh and blood for personal profit. Severus was selective in what he talked about with his employer, keeping their conversations to Potions and the mundane things of life. His naivety in placing his faith in Lucius had taught Severus a hard, but important lesson.

Throughout the rest of the morning, Severus chopped, sliced, and ground ingredients. He took great pride in his work, never bottling anything he considered substandard. Gastrell paid him a fairly decent wage, though it would never compare to what he could earn if he had his own apothecary. He had a whole notebook crammed full of adjustments that could be made to existing potions, along with a dozen of his own concoctions. However, between summons from Voldemort, raids, and the countless potions his Master forced to him brew, Severus was simply left with dreams of what his life could have been.

Severus stabbed the point of his knife into the chopping board.

He hated his life; he hated what he had become. Yes, he had a passion for the Dark Arts, with its hidden mysteries and its euphoric power. But murdering Muggles and anyone else who opposed Voldemort sickened Severus. It seared his very soul each time he was forced to carry out such dark deeds.

“Severus,� Gastrell called. “I need you.�

Wiping his hands clean on a damp cloth, Severus left the laboratory, hardening his features as he went. Gastrell, a tall, spindly man, was writing the address on a parcel when Severus entered the main shop. He glanced at a cauldron bubbling away under a blue flame behind the older wizard. The acidic vapour rising from it told Severus that it was a deadly poison, but he said nothing. He preferred to let Gastrell think he was merely mediocre when it came to potion making. The less the man knew about him, the better.

“What do you need, sir?� he asked.

“The weather is too treacherous to send this parcel by owl, so I want you to take it to St. Mungo’s.�

Severus nodded and went to retrieve his cloak, welcoming the short break from his work. His employer was a shrewd businessman, accepting orders from anyone. It didn’t matter who their allegiance was to, just as long as they could pay. After he had wrapped himself up, Severus tucked the parcel under his arm and opened the front door. An icy blast threatened to cleave the flesh from his cheeks, but he lowered his head and plunged out into the snow. Up ahead, several youngsters were throwing snowballs, though one menacing glare from Severus warned them not to target him.

Once he had reached the end row of shops in Diagon Alley, Severus disapparated to St. Mungo’s. The wizarding hospital was hiving with people; no doubt the arctic-like weather was causing all manner of accidents. Two men sat on chairs in the waiting area, with one cradling a broken broom in his arms, while the other held a cloth to a nasty gash on his head. Severus couldn’t believe that any one could be so stupid to take a broom out in a blizzard. He was actually half tempted, though, to ask if they were related to either James Potter or Sirius Black.

Shaking his head slightly as he walked past the two men, he approached the receptionist, then said, “I wish to speak with Healer Weir.�

“For what purpose?� the stern looking receptionist replied.

“I have a parcel for her.�

“Leave it here and I’ll see she gets it.�

“I’m afraid that won’t do,� Severus replied patronisingly, watching as her lips thinned. “I need to speak with Healer Weir myself.�

She glared at with him with what Severus assumed was her most intimidating stare, but he didn’t flinch. Finally, she tore her gaze away from and removed her wand. Murmuring a simple charm, she then spoke into her wand, calling for Healer Weir to come to reception.

“She’ll be with you shortly,� she said curtly, then waved Severus out of the way so she could speak to the man behind him.

Severus kept his cool as he stepped to one side, knowing that he couldn’t afford to insult Gastrell’s patrons. Voldemort certainly didn’t pay his bills, and he had never seen one Knut of the money Lucius had promised him.

“Hey, you there,� the receptionist called to him after a few minutes. “Healer Weir’s assistant is here.�

Turning his head to the receptionist, Severus said snidely, “I asked specifically to speak with Healer Weir.�

“I’m sorry, but Healer Weir is busy at the moment.�

At the sound of the soft Irish brogue, Severus snapped his gaze to a young woman standing by the reception desk.

“Hello, Severus.�

“Deirdre,� he said in barely a whisper.

She smiled at him, causing a familiar warmth to spread through him. “Come with me, Severus.�

The receptionist eyed him cagily as he followed Deirdre down a corridor, but Severus paid her no heed. At the end of the corridor, she opened a door and motioned for him to go in. He glanced about the small, but neatly ordered office, quickly realising that it was hers. The door then closed with a soft click, and before he could say a word, Deirdre had thrown her arms around him.

“It’s so good to see you again, Severus,� she said, hugging him tightly.

Severus returned her embrace, peace filling his heart for the time in months. “What are you doing here?� he finally asked.

“I sent you a letter, didn’t you get it?�

Severus was thankful her head was still tucked under his chin so she couldn’t see the shame in his eyes. “I’ve been kept busy in London…I haven’t been home in a few weeks.�

At last Deirdre pulled away from him, offering him a seat. A hint of a smile played on his lips when she dragged a chair from behind her desk, placing it next to his. Shifting slightly so he could see her clearly, Severus silently took her in. Her curly, chocolate hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail, and he admired her delicate features. But it was her blue eyes that truly captivated him.

“You look worn out, Severus,� she said, concern etched on her face. “What have you been doing with yourself?�

“I’m fine, Deirdre.� he said. “Now, tell me why you’re in London.�

Deidre wasn’t convinced by Severus’ answer, but she knew better than to press him on the matter. It was a rare occasion when he completely opened himself up to her, and now, it seemed, would not be one of those times. She was already somewhat worried about him, as his replies to her letters had been short and general. Usually he would elaborate on a new spell or potion he had created, but he had been strangely silent on that over the past months.

“Someone dropped out of the Healer’s training programme at St. Mungo’s,� she started, pushing her concerns to one side. “And they contacted the Irish Healer’s Association to ask if I would like to transfer here from Dublin. I jumped at the chance. The hospital in Dublin is brilliant, but it doesn’t quite compare to St. Mungo’s.�

“How long are you here for?� Severus asked.

Deidre smiled at him. “They’ve offered me a permanent position here once I graduate. So, I guess I’m here for the long haul.�

A torrent of mixed emotions swept over Severus. Part of him was thrilled she was staying, while another part dreaded it. She was one of the few who had ever really understood him, but even she would turn her back on him the moment she saw the Dark Mark.

“That’s great news,� he said. “I’m pleased for you.�

“Thanks,� she replied somewhat downhearted.

She had honestly thought he would be delighted to know she was living so close to him now. Of course, she hadn’t expected him to grin like a Cheshire cat, but she had hoped for a little more enthusiasm. There was something not quite right with him, she could sense it. Severus had always been quiet and withdrawn, but this was different.

“Would you like a cup of tea?� she asked, rising from her chair, hoping she could get him to talk to her.

Severus nodded. “All right, but I can’t stay long, I have to get back to the apothecary.�

In a few minutes, they were both sipping on steaming cups of tea. Deirdre studied him carefully, noting how pale his skin was and how his lean frame was almost skeletal-like. He looked as if he hadn’t slept properly or eaten a decent meal in months. She felt her apprehension grow tenfold. Severus was more than just a friend to her – much more. Deirdre looked down into her teacup, absently swirling the hot liquid around in it. But she knew where his heart really lay. After all, who could ever surpass Lily Evans?

Choking back her emotions, she said, “How’s work going at the apothecary?�

“Tolerable, I suppose.�

“I hope your boss is going to give you a good reference for your studies in Europe.� she said, well aware of Severus’ ambition.

“Things have changed, Deirdre. I’m not going to Europe anymore.�

“What? But why –�

“Lack of funding,� he said, deciding to only tell her part of the truth. “I appealed to the Ministry for funding in July, but they turned me down. They said that I would only be eligible if I studied under British potion masters.�

“You mean like Cuthbert Mantle? Yes, you’ll learn plenty from the likes of him,� she remarked dryly.

“Try telling that to the Ministry.�

“What about a private sponsor; have you looked into that?� she asked, hopeful.

A bitter taste rose in Severus’ throat. “I have, but so far I’ve been unsuccessful.�

“It’s so unfair,� she exclaimed, upset and angry he was being denied the chance to fulfil his ambition.

“Life is unfair, Deirdre.�

“I don’t understand how you can be so stoic about this.�

He levelled his charcoal gaze at her. “What other way would you have me act?�

“I’m sorry, Severus,� she said with a heavy sigh. “I just hate it that someone with a brilliant mind like yours is being held back by some stupid regulation.�

“I’ll survive, Deirdre,� he reassured her, but wished he could be honest with one person who truly cared about his wellbeing.

He drank several more mouthfuls of tea then rose from his chair. “I should be heading back now. You will make sure Healer Weir gets this parcel, won’t you?�

“Well, I was going to throw it in the bin after you left…� she said with a smirk.

Severus narrowed his eyes slightly. “You haven’t changed a bit, have you?�

Laughing softly, Deirdre reached out to hug him again. She wasn’t disappointed when he wrapped his arms around her, but she swallowed hard as she once more felt how painfully thin he was. Was he sick? Or was it something more sinister? She didn’t know, but somehow she’d get the truth from him.

“What are you doing this evening?� she asked.

“I’m not sure yet,� he answered. “Nothing, hopefully.�

“I finish here at six, so do you want to get some dinner and catch up?�

He struggled a moment with what he should do, but finally he nodded. “I’ll meet you here at six.�

“You don’t have to come all the way back here, I can walk –�

“I insist, Deidre. It’s not safe to be out alone at night.�

She caught the undercurrent of uneasiness in his silky timbre. The war with Voldemort was escalating and no one could predict where or when the next attack would happen. Despite the looming terror, though, it was a comfort to know he cared for her.

“All right, Severus, but I was thinking we could go to my flat to eat. All the restaurants will be packed with Christmas shoppers.�

“That suits me fine,� he said, relieved by her suggestion.

He hated crowds, but he also feared that they might be seen together by those connected to Voldemort. The last thing he wanted was for the Dark Lord’s attention to be turned towards Deirdre. If Voldemort knew of his feelings for her, the Dark Lord wouldn’t hesitate to use her to tighten his control over him.

Deirdre smiled at him. “Great, I’ll see you later, then.�

“I look forward to it,� he said.

Severus held her gaze a moment longer then walked towards the door. He silently prayed he would not be called to a Death Eater’s gathering that evening, as he needed to be with Deirdre. She was like a soothing balm, the only other person he felt wholly comfortable with.

“Oh, and Severus,� she called as he turned the door handle. “Put a few more layers on, and a scarf! I know you love that cloak, but it’s hardly winter friendly.�

Severus frowned at her, but his lips twitched in amusement as he stepped out into the corridor, closing the door behind him.