Summary: The Marauders have left school behind them just as war has fallen across the Wizarding World at last--quiet and invisible, but war nonetheless. And on the front lines is this small group of young Hogwarts graduates who have moved from pranking battles to something far more serious.
In this third and final installment to the James and Lily story begun in “Trickster†and “Stars Apart,†the Marauders join their friends in the Order as a part of what feels more and more like a fight they have no chance of winning. In the middle of it all, love grows and friendships break, trust forms and wavers, and warriors who are barely more than children must learn not only how to fight but what they are fighting for.
Categories: James/Lily Characters: None
Warnings: Character Death, Pottermore Spoilers, Sexual Situations
Challenges:
Series: None
Chapters: 6 Completed: No
Word count: 27673 Read: 20807
Published: 09/17/12 Updated: 02/19/13
Story Notes:
Hi again! So my original plan was to write most of this fic before posting so I would always have regular updates but uh, that didn't pan out, mostly because a) this thing is going to be massively long but also because b) it turns out that what keeps me accountable is, well, posting. I do have a decent amount of it written already though, so updates should be regular until i catch up with myself, and hopefully after that as well :)
This is the third (and final!) installment to the "Trickster" series. I had the same debate with the last one, but for continuity's sake, this is in the James/Liily category even though it's kind of a Marauder story. WHATEVER THEY'RE ALL THERE AND THEY ALL LOVE EACH OTHER mostly. But there's a war going on here. Sirius, Remus, and oh even Peter have their own distinct storylines this time around. so it's about them all. But this started as a James/Lily story, and it'll end that way, too.
This one is a little older and a little darker than "Trickster" and "Stars Apart" before it. It picks up about four months from where "Stars Apart" left off and goes to...well, you'll see, won't you! But for all of you who have stuck with us from the beginning--and for those of you who are just here now--thank you. I hope you enjoy this ending.
Andd we'll see what happens with the rating on this one. I don't think it's violent enough (or possibly sexy enough, herp derp) to be bumped up to professors, but uh, we'll reevaluate that when the time comes, if need be. Also in some places I'm going off of what's been revealed in Pottermore as of now, but it we get more information later, I might be working around it :S
December 2014: This is just a note to say that, as of right now, there is an overwhelming amount of stuff happening in my life. But I still think about this, and thank you so much to everyone who has followed along. I promise I haven't forgotten. I just need to take care of some things before coming back. xoxo
1. Simply to Bear by Willow Rosenberg
2. Family by Willow Rosenberg
3. Pretendings by Willow Rosenberg
4. Barely Half-Awake by Willow Rosenberg
5. Many and Mighty by Willow Rosenberg
6. Again and Again by Willow Rosenberg
Simply to Bear by Willow Rosenberg
Author's Notes:
–For now, our highest ambition
was simply to bear the light of the day
we had once been planning to seizeâ€
Paul Muldoon, "Horse Latitudes"
------------------------------------------------
November, 1978
Rain fell all day without stopping.
It grew heavier as night came on, ceaseless even as the London streetlamps and window lights flickered on one-by-one, igniting against the November chill. Here and there, a few people hurried down the city streets, heads bowed beneath the rain, collars turned up against the kind of bone-deep cold found only in a London on the edge of winter.
One such businessman, harried and headed for home, doubtless eager to empty the water from his shoes, turned into a dim alleyway, only to jump back in alarm as a large black dog grew suddenly out of the shadows. The man clutched his briefcase and raised it to his chest, wary, and cast his eyes around for an owner--who would keep an animal this size in the city?--but the dog barely glanced at him before trotting determinedly out into the rain, head low to the ground. The man stood for a moment, a strange and primal fear washing over him, before he turned down the alley once more, thinking again of home.
The dog, for his part, was soon drenched as he ventured through the now-deserted streets. His tail dripped steadily, his fur matted and soaked, a thin stream of rain dribbling from his ears, but he seemed not to notice. Nor did he seem to be interested in the usual aimless wandering of a dog--he did not stop to sniff at bushes, his course did not waver, he barely flicked an ear at an equally soaked cat that streaked across the road ahead of him.
He did not stop as he turned purposefully down the streets, even as the closely packed city buildings began to give way to greener spaces. Finally, he turned up a long walk and paused at last, one paw crooked in the air, peering through an iron gate to the cemetery beyond.
Like the city, the graveyard was all but empty. But through the gloom and the rising dark, the dog seemed to find what he was looking for. The iron gate was ajar; with his nose, he pushed it wider and wriggled through, padding lightly across the wet ground.
The grave he came to was fresh--only a few hours old. Beside it was one that was almost as new, the date on the headstone only five days prior. And at the foot of these graves stood a young man--barely more than a boy, really, although perhaps the way his wet hair stuck to his forehead, the way his clothes hung, dripping, on his bones made him look even smaller and younger than his eighteen years. He didn’t move as the dog trotted up to him, except to shiver in the rain.
Insistently, the dog sat next to him, his wet body pressing into the dark-haired boy’s legs. When there was no reaction, the dog whined once, then again, loudly, and though the young man did not take his eyes away from the two new graves, he did raise his hand to place it gently on the dog’s head.
But this, it seemed, was not good enough; after a moment, the dog ducked away, glancing furtively over his shoulder in a distinctly un-doglike manner. Then he bounded towards a large mausoleum and hugged close to its side, disappearing into the shadows. A few moments later, it was another young man who emerged, dark-haired like the first, although this one had a certain vitality, an energy that trembled, as though he could never be still. By contrast, the first boy seemed as silent and as stoic as the cement gravestones around them, the only movement the rush of rainwater down their faces.
–James,†the boy-who-had-been-a-dog said as be approached, laying a hand along his friend’s arm. –James. It’s time to go home.â€
James didn’t move, didn’t even blink.
–Go away, Sirius,†he said, his voice barely louder than the rain.
Sirius shook his wet hair out of his eyes, managing to look frustrated and worried at the same time.
–Come on,†he said, closing his hand around James’s elbow. –You’re soaked through, you’ll get ill--â€
But James just stood there, his arm limp in Sirius’s grasp, his eyes dull.
Sirius breathed deeply, reaching for the best bargaining chip he had.
–Lily sent me,†he said. –She’s worried sick about you, you know.â€
James turned towards him slightly. –Lily?†he murmured thickly.
–Yeah, Lily,†Sirius said encouragingly, seizing on this one spark of life. –She would have come herself, but she’s dealing with all the people…and besides, I could get here faster.â€
–People?†James asked, now turning fully to look at his friend.
Sirius nodded. –Everyone’s at our place,†he said. –They wanted to be there for you. And Lily stayed there with them, because, well…you know. She knows how to do this.â€
James winced, almost imperceptibly, but then he nodded. –Right,†he said, clearing his throat, coming alive again. –Right. Home.â€
Sirius’s grip tightened on his elbow, and James looked at him, the ghost of a grin on his face. –I’m coming, Padfoot, you don’t have to twist my arm,†he said hollowly.
–I’ll believe that,†Sirius said, –when you’re home and dry.â€
–Home,†James said again, and then, –Lily.â€
–Hold on to that, mate,†Sirius said. –She’s there. We all are.â€
James gave one deep, shuddering sigh, turning his face up to the rain. Then he glanced once more at the two graves.
–I’m an orphan now,†he said quietly, as though testing the words.
Sirius’s eyes were bright and his face streaked with rain, but his voice was steady as he said, –We’re all orphans now.â€
James transferred his gaze to his best friend’s face. –In one way or another,†he said.
–Come on,†Sirius said again, and this time, James nodded, and went.
---
Lily’s head was spinning.
She felt like she hadn’t stopped moving in days, and all of it was culminating now as she moved mechanically from the kitchen in James and Sirius’s flat, plates in hand, to the living area, now packed with people.
–Thanks for coming,†she murmured, setting out food and collecting empty plates. –James’ll be back soon, thank you…â€
Returning to the kitchen, she set the empty plates in the sink and stood for a moment, her arms braced against the counter, her head hanging. And then she sighed, squared her shoulders, and brushed her hands together, preparing to go out once again. But as she turned towards the kitchen door, she found her way blocked by two people.
–Lily,†Marlene McKinnon said, her blue eyes wide and sad, –Lily, you have to slow down.â€
Beside her, Remus Lupin, looking even more worn than ever, nodded his agreement. –You’ve been running yourself ragged ever since James’s parents got sick,†he said.
Lily shook her head. –I have to,†she said. –James needs me, and--â€
Remus and Marlene exchanged a glance. –What James needs,†Remus said softly, –is time, and rest, and for you to take care of yourself.â€
–And Lily,†Marlene said, going to her, –I know this must be…I mean, your parents’ accident was only a month ago, and now this…you’ve both lost so much in such a small amount of time, I can’t even imagine, but…you don’t always have to be so strong, you know?â€
Lily smiled sadly at them both. Marlene’s normally bouncy yellow curls were hanging limply around her face, and Remus, only eighteen, already had fine lines around his eyes, his sandy hair shot with silver. –It’s strange, isn’t it?†Lily murmured, almost in a daze. –We’ve been preparing for a war here, and the first casualties are due to a car accident and dragon pox.â€
She trailed off into silence for a moment, and then her gaze snapped back to them. –I have to keep moving,†she said. –I need something to do, or I’ll fall apart.â€
Remus nodded, although Marlene looked unconvinced. Lily turned away from them, back to a sink now piled with dishes, and reached to turn on the water.
–Oh, really,†Marlene tsked, striding forward to grab Lily’s wrist, –You can stay busy without doing completely unnecessary jobs.â€
And she slid her wand out from behind her ear and flicked it at the sink, where the dishes promptly started washing themselves.
–I guess you’re right,†Lily said, smiling softly at her friend.
–Of course she is,†Remus said bracingly. –Now, come on. Everyone is here to be with James, and you. And since James isn’t back yet…well, you’ve got to let them be there for you, Lil.â€
–Thanks,†she said to him, smiling tiredly, and let them lead her out into the living area.
The apartment that James and Sirius shared was comfortable, if not particularly large, and with so many people crowded around in their one main room, it felt very small indeed. As she entered the room flanked by Remus and Marlene, she felt the slight hush that shivered through the room of people, all eyes on her.
The silence stretched on just long enough that she began to feel uncomfortable, until Gideon and Fabian Prewett, from their perch on one of Sirius’s two horrible couches, raised their arms simultaneously and said –Lily!â€
–Are you finally here to sit down?†Gideon asked.
–Yeah, budge over,†Fabian said, elbowing Will McKinnon so hard he fell of the couch onto the floor. Fabian seized the opportunity and scooted into the empty space, leaving room between he and his brother, and both of them blinked owlishly at Lily, who nearly laughed. Sometimes they reminded her so much of Sirius and James it was uncanny.
Caving, she settled herself between them, feeling, as she always did around the two brothers, rather small--both of them were well over six feet tall, broad-shouldered and virtually identical, strawberry blonde with deep brown eyes. It was odd to see them so still--much like Sirius, they were normally always moving. Now, as she say, they bumped her with their shoulders, so hard that she felt rather squashed.
–Well, don’t suffocate the girl,†Will McKinnon said ruefully, having climbed back to his feet and settled on the arm of the sofa. Marlene’s brother looked much like her--he was a few years older, his gold hair a few shades darker, but he had the same eyes--that wide, deep blue that managed to look both innocent and knowing.
On the other arm of the couch was perched kind-faced Alice Rourke, who had been Lily’s year-mate in school, though Alice had been a Hufflepuff. Seated on the opposite couch, his feet up on the coffee table, was Alice’s boyfriend, Frank Longbottom, now in his second year of Auror training, and beside him, Benjy Fenwick and Peter Pettigrew. Emmeline Vance was sitting on the floor at Benjy’s feet, and after a moment, Marlene joined her there, while Remus leaned against the couch beside Peter.
They were the young generation of the Order of the Phoenix, this knot of people, handpicked by Dumbledore while in their final years of school to fight the rising tide of the Dark side. They had all left school in the past few years, and, for the most part, all of them were eager but virtually untested.
The older generation was currently gathered in Lily’s favorite part of the flat--a deep-set bay window at the front of the building, looking out onto the street below, with a spacious window seat, big enough for several people No one was sitting on it now, but Dumbledore stood, framed by the window and strangely commanding, while Minerva McGonagall and Alastor Moody spoke in hushed but serious voices beside him. Lily had known Professor McGonagall for years at Hogwarts, but she had only recently met Moody, and she wasn’t sure yet how she felt about him. He was scarred and somewhat grizzled, to be sure, and there was something a little too piercing about his dark gaze, but he was already the stuff of legend in the Auror department, and Lily knew they were lucky to have him.
Several feet away, Elphias Doge stood with Dorcas Meadowes and Edgar Bones, having an equally hushed conversation. Lily frowned--the room was somewhat more empty than it had been when she had seen it last. –What happened to Hagrid?†she asked no one in particular.
–Oh, he thought it was getting a little, er, cramped for him in here,†Gideon supplied.
–Dung and Aberforth and a few other people went to get a drink, after the funeral,†Alice put in. –Ab said he felt the need to open the Hog’s Head. Hagrid just went to join them. He said to apologize to James for him--he wanted to be here, but he was afraid the floor would cave in if he stayed.â€
Lily had just opened her mouth to respond when the door swung open and Sirius, half-supporting a very pale James, stumbled through. Both of them were drenched and dripping rainwater everywhere, and James was shaking violently from the cold. Sirius’s face was set as he looked over the crowd of people in his apartment, and his eyes met Lily’s.
–Found him,†he said unnecessarily.
Lily, who had jumped to her feet when the door opened, smiled softly at him. –I see that,†she said dryly, but then her attention turned completely to James, who had made a beeline for her the second he was in the door.
He stood beside her now, his head hanging, getting water all over the floor. –Sorry,†he said quietly. –I didn’t…I wasn’t really paying attention to the time.â€
She reached her his hand, and it was like ice in hers. –You’re frozen through,†she whispered, moving her other hand to the side of his face, and he closed his eyes.
–Well that, at least, is easily taken care of,†she heard, and turned to see Dumbledore raise his wand. There was a low hum, and then the room was doused in a soft orange light with a warmth that Lily felt clear to her bones, and for a moment she felt completely safe and protected and sure that everything would be all right in the end.
Beside her, James had stopped shivering, and both he and Sirius looked dry and crisp.
–Thanks, sir,†Sirius said smartly, saluting Dumbledore, although the gesture had an air of going through the motions, as though he was lacking his usual punch.
Lily, meanwhile, had ushered James into her vacated spot on the couch, between the Prewett brothers who were eyeing him as though he might keel over at any second.
–You look like you need a drink, mate,†Gideon said frankly.
Fabian raised an eyebrow. –Ab’s keeping the Hog’s Head open,†he suggested, but James shook his head.
–Oh, no,†he said. –I just got inside, no way am I going back out again tonight, it’s cold out there.â€
–Now he realizes that,†Sirius quipped, and there was a smattering of light, if not particularly enthusiastic, laughter from the crowd.
–Here,†Moody growled suddenly, making everyone in the vicinity jump. Lily was surprised at how gracefully and silently he moved--he was almost catlike as he strode across the room, pulling a bottle of mead from his coat. He tossed it lightly in the air where it hung, rotating lightly and sparkling in the light. –There’s more where that came from if need be,†Moody said.
–I’ll go find some glasses,†Remus said hurriedly while Lily cocked her head, wondering vaguely which coat pocket it was that Moody used as his liquor cabinet.
After Remus had rustled up some glasses--a mismatched set, of course, but enough for everyone--and the group of them was milling around, talking quietly, Lily was surprised to see that Moody had settled himself onto the couch beside James and was talking to him in a low voice. She edged forward, not wanting to eavesdrop, but desperately curious as to what they were saying.
A moment later, she realized that Sirius had appeared behind her and was doing the same thing.
–What?†he hissed when he caught her looking. –He scares the crap out of me. I want to know what they’re talking about.â€
–Just don’t let him catch you,†Lily whispered back. –Merlin only knows what he’d turn you into.â€
Sirius looked rather queasy. –Good point,†he said, and cast around for a glass. –Tell me what he says, would you?â€
Lily started to protest, but he was gone; then she heard Moody, so many feet away, as he spoke.
–--hard hand, boy, but it’s the one you’ve been dealt,†the Auror was saying. –You live in this world long enough and you know what it’s like to lose people, there’s no doubt about it. But you don’t let that stop you.â€
–So what do you do?†James asked, and Moody looked at him for a long moment.
–You endure,†he said finally. –You do what you have to do to survive. You’re alive now, boy, and don’t you forget that.†He paused, looking up and out past James to the dark window, beyond which the rain still fell. –And you remember that you aren’t as alone as you feel right now.â€
And then he looked up abruptly, his eyes catching Lily’s so quickly and so purposefully that she had no doubt he’d known she’d been listening all along.
Family by Willow Rosenberg
Author's Notes:
"The world only spins forward"
Tony Kushner, "Angels in America"
--------------------------------
There was always something happening at headquarters. Half the time--or maybe more than that--Lily wasn’t even sure what was going on. She’d be running from one end of the house on an errand for McGonagall and catch glimpses of Gideon and Fabian bent over a table with Edgar Bones, or Dumbledore deep in conversation with Moody, or Sirius and Benjy Fenwick bursting through the door with bruises on their temples.
Headquarters was the McKinnon’s home, in Tinworth. With both children living in London, Mr. and Mrs. McKinnon often joked that this was their way of keeping their house full, as well as ensuring that Will and Marlene would come home every so often. But as a result of their hospitality, the house was often crowded to bursting, people and plans stuffed into every available room.
Often, Lily felt like a puzzle piece, a cog in a machine that she couldn’t see. She trusted Dumbledore completely, of course, and he seemed to be keeping an eye on them well enough, but the atmosphere in the house was often a frantic one, people scrambling to keep up with whatever was going on outside.
Lily had the sense that the war they were fighting, as invisible as it was for now, was not going particularly well. Dumbledore, whenever she saw him, looked exhausted. He’d promised to bring them all up-to-date the second it was possible, but so far, such a moment had not presented itself. But Lily, reeling as she was after the deaths of first her parents and now James’s was content, for the time, to do as she was told.
Like James and Sirius, Lily was currently living in London, sharing a flat with Marlene. They had moved in at the beginning of autumn, just weeks before Lily’s parents’ accident, and so it was only just beginning to feel like home. They were in Muggle London, as were James and Sirius, and for all of them but Lily, adjusting to posing as Muggles had been something of an adventure. They were, however, quite close to the Leaky Cauldron, and so the magical world was never out of reach.
James’s parents had fallen ill in October, just as Lily was finally beginning to recover from her own family’s death. His father had succumbed to the dragon pox first, his mother just days later, and James had retreated into their vast and empty house, going mechanically through their things, where neither Lily nor Sirius could reach him.
And so Lily had thrown herself wholeheartedly into her work for the Order, making herself as available as possible to everyone who needed help. She stood now with Moody and Professor McGonagall in one of the back rooms of the McKinnon’s houses, frowning over a small replica of Hogwarts.
Now that the school year was in full swing, McGonagall and Dumbledore were not often seen at headquarters, unwilling as they were to leave Hogwarts unprotected, But it seemed to be for the school’s benefit that McGonagall was here now, as she and Moody circled the model of the castle, prodding it with their wands and muttering occasionally. Lily stood slightly off to one side, her arms full of the pile of books that McGonagall had told her to hold and then seemed to have forgotten about.
–The weakest point is here, near the Forbidden Forest,†McGonagall said, her lips pursed. –But we’re hesitant to do more because Albus doesn’t want to encroach on the centaurs’ territory…â€
Moody nodded. –And we can’t rely on the forest itself to keep anything out…What’s between the forest and the school on this side anyway, just the Quidditch pitch?â€
–And Hagrid’s hut,†McGonagall said, flicking her wand so the castle model rotated to display the side they were discussing.
Moody snorted. –Maybe you should tell Hagrid to get a guard dog.â€
Lily, gazing at the tiny Hogwarts, felt a sudden pang of homesickness. –I thought Hogwarts was the safest place there is,†she heard herself say, and both Moody and McGonagall turned to look at her. –I mean,†she continued, –isn’t Dumbledore the only person You-Know-Who is afraid of?â€
–Yes,†McGonagall allowed with a tilt of her head, –but we don’t know yet how far that fear extends, or how well it will hold out against desperation. Reputation alone is not enough--Hogwarts must be afforded every protection. The lives of hundreds of students are too much to gamble.â€
Lily nodded, understanding. –Well,†she asked after a moment, –what about plants? There are a lot with active defense mechanisms that you could plant on the edge of the forest--they’d blend in, and you wouldn’t have to worry about getting in the way of things in the forest.â€
McGonagall looked at her thoughtfully. –The problem with that,†she said, –is that there’s always the chance students could stumble into them--any dangerous plant that close to the grounds is a risk.â€
–Hold on, though,†Moody growled. –There may be a way to plant them and then keep them subdued until they’re needed--a simple spell is all it’d take…â€
–It would require maintenance,†McGonagall said. –Regularly, to be safe.â€
–But it may be worth it, at that,†Moody said, before looking sideways at Lily. –Sharp, Evans,†he said, and she flushed. He bent over the model again, whispering, and a few tiny plants--Lily recognized them as Devil’s Snares--flew out to gather at the edge of the grounds.
–We’ll have to talk to Pomona,†Moody said to McGonagall, who nodded.
–I ought to head back anyway,†she said. –I have classes to prepare for, and I’ve been gone long enough.†Briskly, she waved her wand, and the Hogwarts replica folded in on itself and disappeared, along with the books Lily had been clutching.
–Good day,†McGonagall said to them, and, quite abruptly, left.
Left alone with Moody, Lily felt suddenly uneasy. His dark eyes, as ever, were unreadable, although he seemed to be sizing her up somehow.
–How’s that boyfriend of yours?†he asked suddenly.
–James?†Lily asked, surprised. –He’s--well, he’s fine.â€
–Hasn’t been around much lately,†Moody said.
–Well, he’s…Lily said evasively, –he’s dealing.â€
Moody said nothing, just eyed her shrewdly, and Lily had a sudden rush of sympathy for Dark Wizards he’d tracked down--the man was like a human lie detector.
–He’ll be back soon,†Lily said, talking just to fill the silence. –He needs some time, he’s just had a huge loss--â€
–And you haven’t?â€
–I--†Lily paused. –What are you saying?â€
–Oh, I’m not saying anything,†Moody said. –You’ve just got your head in the game, that’s all.â€
And without so much as a farewell, he placed his hat on his head and departed.
For a moment, Lily simply stood there, stunned and processing. She was interrupted from her reverie, however, when Sirius stuck his head I the door.
–What are you doing in here?†he asked. –Come outside, we’re practicing dueling.â€
–Is that what happened to your lip?†she asked him—it was split, and he looked rather exhilarated.
–Yeah,†he said. –Gideon’s got a mean right hook.â€
Lily was startled. –Is this Muggle dueling or wizard dueling?†she asked.
–Little bit of both,†Sirius said. –You never know what you’ll need. It’s street fighting, Evans! Now come on.â€
Groaning, she followed him out of the room and through the winding halls of the McKinnon’s house. –Hey, Sirius?†she asked, and he turned his head, listening. –What do you think of Moody?â€
It was Sirius’s turn to groan. –I told you, Evans, he scares the pants off of me. Do you just like hearing me say it?â€
–Yes,†she said dryly, –picturing you pantsless just makes my day.†Sirius grinned as she continued, –But Moody was just interrogating me about where James has been, and he seemed to be, well, not too happy with him. But he was so cryptic about it it was hard to tell!â€
Sirius shook his head, sighing. –It wouldn’t surprise me if he was irritated with James, you know,†he said.
–But why?†asked Lily, surprised. –You’d think with all that’s happened he’d understand--â€
But Sirius was shaking his head. –The way I see it,†he said, –Moody’s like, the opposite of Dumbledore. He doesn’t have the time or the patience for grief. For him, it’s all about keeping your mouth shut and carrying on. I mean, look at the man. He doesn’t have a family, he spends his life hunting down Dark Wizards--and he has to think the way they think, in order to be so good at it. There’s no room to be soft. This is a war, even if it doesn’t feel like one yet. He’s a warrior. And he expects the rest of us to be the same.â€
–I guess we’re really not in school anymore,†Lily said sadly.
–It comes in waves, doesn’t it?†said Sirius.
–Hard to imagine that it’s November and we’re not there,†said Lily.
Sirius nodded, then frowned. –You know, I almost agree with Moody,†he said.
–About James?†Lily asked, a little defensively.
–Yeah,†Sirius said. –Not that I don’t think he has a right to be devastated--because Merlin knows I understand, the Potters were practically a second family to me--but he’s…he’s shutting us all out. And we’re maybe the only thing that will help. I mean, we’ve all lost family, it’s not like we wouldn’t understand--â€
–Yes, but Sirius, it’s different for us,†Lily said. –I mean, I lost my parents, but I still have my sister, he’s completely without family now--â€
–Oh, come on,†Sirius scoffed. –You aren’t close to your sister, and it’s not like I talk to anyone in my family--we’re just as alone as he is. Which is why,†his voice softened, –he needs to let us in.â€
Lily, after a moment’s hesitation, nodded. –Do you want to try tonight?†she asked.
They had reached the back door, and Sirius put out his hand to push it open. –Yeah,†he said. –I do.â€
They had barely stepped out into the backyard when a jet of red light whizzed past Lily’s left ear. Belatedly, she shied sideways, bumping into Sirius, who was frowning into the lawn.
–Oi!†he barked. –Civilians here!â€
–Sorry!†called Will McKinnon without tearing his eyes away from his opponent. The two were circling each other, surrounded by a ring of the younger Order members. As they moved around, Lily was surprised to see that it was Remus who faced Will, his wand steady and his brow furrowed.
Sirius and Lily edged their way into the circle, eyes on the fight. Silently, Remus shot a spell at Will, who dove out of the way, narrowly avoiding being hit. Lily was impressed with Remus’s ability to cast a nonverbal spell so effectively under pressure, although she noticed he was biting his lip, a sheen of sweat on his forehead, while Will, when he rolled back onto his feet, was smiling easily.
–So,†Lily murmured to Marlene, who had just pushed through the circle to stand beside her, –who’s winning?â€
–It’s pretty evenly matched,†Marlene whispered back. –Remus is the smarter fighter, but he hesitates sometimes. Will’s a little more reckless, but he never misses an opening, and a lot of the time--â€
Lily sucked in her breath as a jolt of light hit Remus in the stomach; he doubled over with a gasp and Will darted forward, knocked Remus’s wand from his hand, and pressed his own wand to Remus’s throat.
–--it pays off,†Marlene finished wryly. In the middle of the circle, the two stood still for a second, breathing heavily. After a moment, they grinned at each other; Will dropped his wand and clapped Remus on the shoulder, and they both melted into the circle.
Sirius had disappeared--to meet Remus, Lily assumed--but Will found her and Marlene, coming over to lean against his sister’s shoulder.
–Well done,†Marlene told him.
–Thanks,†Will said, flicking his hair out of his eyes before looking at Lily, who was silent. –What,†Will grinned at her, –aren’t you going to congratulate me?â€
–Well, I would,†Lily said sweetly, –but I was rooting for Remus, you see.â€
Will blinked at her in surprise, and then burst into laughter. –You’re right,†he said to Marlene. –She’s got spark.â€
–I told you not to mess with her,†Marlene said smugly, and Will shook his head.
–Right again,†he said, then winked at them both and backed into the circle, his hands in the air, calling, –Who’s next!â€
A few seconds into this, Gideon Prewett leapt in beside him. As the two of them squared off, Marlene looked over at Lily, who was eyeing Will impassively.
–You don’t like him even a little bit, do you?†Marlene asked, grinning.
Lily looked guiltily at her. –I--well, he’s--â€
Marlene laughed. –I know you, Lily,†she said. –You’ve never been very good at pretending to like people.â€
Lily shook her head. –He just talks about me like I’m not standing right here,†she said petulantly, and Marlene laughed again.
–I know,†she said. –He used to do that to me when we were kids, and I hated it too. Don’t worry, though,†she said, nodding towards the center of the ring, –Gideon will kick his ass.â€
It was Lily’s turn to grin as Marlene checked her watch.
–I have to get to work,†Marlene sighed. She was working part-time at the Leaky Cauldron--many of the Order members were involved somehow in the Ministry, but Dumbledore had wanted someone to keep an ear to the ground for street gossip as well, and so Marlene often spent her evenings tending bar and cracking jokes with the magical underbelly of London.
–I’ll see you back at home,†Lily smiled at her.
Marlene nodded, and then hesitated. –So,†she said, –I’ve been meaning to ask…how’s James doing? Haven’t really seen him around much…â€
Lily closed her eyes tightly before saying softly, –I know. He’s been…well, it’s been…difficult.â€
Marlene nodded, understanding. –It just takes time,†she said. –Although I know you know that.†She checked her watch again. –I need to run,†she said, –but I’ll see you tonight?â€
Lily nodded. –Thanks!†she called after her, and Marlene smiled as she Disapparated.
Her jaw set, Lily turned into the knot of people behind her, looking for Sirius and more determined than ever to make James talk.
---
At that moment, James was, in fact, sitting at his father’s desk, a pile of documents spread out before him. He hadn’t left his parents’ house in days, and the extensive security spells they had placed on their manor kept him from being interrupted.
He was looking, again, at his parents will. Their deaths--unlike Lily’s parents’ deaths--had not been entirely unexpected, as even the best healers at St. Mungo’s couldn’t do much for dragon pox at their age. The had left everything to James, the will meticulously and purposefully laid out, and it was only now that he was beginning to understand what it all meant.
Blearily, he rose, pushing out of his father’s elegantly carved chair. He flicked his wand, and instantly all the papers on the desk began to stack themselves neatly, the will furling itself into a tight roll. The papers shuffling behind him, James paced across the floor to the fireplace. Another flick of his wand and a fire blazed up, the sudden source of light and warmth surprising him. For a moment he just stood there, gripping his wand, and then he whispered something into the fire, stepped back, and waited.
It didn’t take long. Barely a minute had passed before a dark shape appeared, spinning rapidly in the fire. James stood still, looking steadily into the flames, his hands clasped behind his back as Remus climbed out onto the hearth.
–James,†he gasped, blinking at him. –What--we’ve been trying to get through to you for days--â€
–I know,†James interrupted. –I know. I just needed space to do what I…†he trailed off and turned, bracing his hands on the desk, his back to Remus. –I’ve been going through some things,†he said after a moment, his voice calm. –Things my parents left behind. I just…wanted to be sure before I talked to you.â€
Remus’s forehead creased. –About what?†he asked. –James, what are you saying?â€
–I’m saying,†James said, at last turning to face him, –That my parents left money. A lot of it. More than I’d be able to use in a lifetime. And I want to use some of it to, well, help you.â€
Remus shook his head abruptly, almost violently. –I can’t ask you to do that,†he said, even as he was dreaming about it. The past few months had been difficult on Remus--he’d tried to keep the fact that he was a werewolf quiet, but it was difficult to explain to prospective employers why he needed full moons off, and sometimes they just seemed to know. So, unable to find a job, he was living with his parents again for the first time since he was eleven, and it was far from pleasant. His parents couldn’t look past the wolf, and they blamed themselves for his condition, and as a result, they could barely look at him. And after seven glorious years at Hogwarts, this was particularly hard to swallow.
–Moony,†James said, looking confused, –you’re not asking me to do this, I’m offering. It’s the least I can do.â€
Remus shook his head. –But why,†he whispered. –Why would you waste that kind of gold on me?â€
–Because I have it,†James said flatly. –And it’s just going to sit there unless I use it on something I care about. I know you’re unhappy. So, please, just let me help.â€
Remus hesitated for one long minute, and then his eyes narrowed. –Fine,†he said.
James looked at him, something sparking in his dull eyes for the first time in weeks. –Really?â€
–Yeah,†Remus said. –Yeah, okay. But on one condition.â€
–Anything,†said James.
Remus looked at him levelly. –The next time Lily and Sirius show up here,†he said, –you’ll let them in.â€
James bit his lip.
–This friends-helping-friends thing,†Remus said, softer still, –it goes both ways.â€
James nodded, once.
–Okay,†Remus said, taking the steps forward it took to clap James on the shoulder. –Okay.†And then, with a last look, he clambered back into the fireplace and was gone.
It was much later that James left his father’s study. The room had grown dark around him, his wand lying uselessly beside him like so much wood. Eventually he stood and, as he had been doing every night lately, walked slowly, almost aimlessly, up the stairs to his childhood bedroom.
Fully clothed, he curled in a ball on his bed, motionless, eyes open in the darkness. Some time later, he heard a noise in the garden, loud enough to carry even though his window was closed. And then he heard his name.
–James!†Lily’s voice had an edge to it, and he didn’t blame her--she and Sirius had been trying to get through to him so frequently that he’d lost count of the times he’d heard their voices in the yard. He didn’t move.
–I’m going to kill him,†Sirius said clearly, as though he were only a few feet away. Lily hushed him, but Sirius only raised his voice. –Oh, I don’t care if he hears me. I’m going to kill you, Prongs!â€
James wondered, vaguely, how long it would take them to figure out that he hadn’t put the security charms around the house today. It was Sirius’s hotheadedness, eventually, that let them in; James heard a loud crash and then a stream of cursing, and he could only assume that Sirius had attempted to kick the door and then fallen through when it opened easily.
He heard low murmurs in the hallway, and then footsteps on the stairs and he closed his eyes, not sure what was going to happen; he didn’t want to talk, and he had been afraid for days that they would try to make him. He was surprised, however, when they entered the room behind him--Sirius, who had been all temper and energy in the garden was silent and still now, and neither he nor Lily spoke.
James breathed, preparing himself to speak, to offer explanations, to apologize. But then, so lightly he thought he imagined it, he felt fingertips fall on his shoulder.
He hadn’t even heard her move, but she was curled behind him on the center of his bed, only just touching him, and he exhaled beneath her hand. And then Sirius walked around to the other side and eased himself into a sitting position beside James’s head.
For a long time, the three of them were simply still. They stayed there as the night deepened, James’s breathing growing easier, Lily’s hand not leaving his back, Sirius leaning back against the headboard. Until eventually, finally, James opened his eyes.
Sirius, noticing, sighed deeply and said, –You still have family, you know.â€
Slowly, James unfurled himself so he was stretched out between them, really looking at them for the first time in weeks. Lily’s eyes were bright and steady, and James was looking at her when he said, –I know.â€
Then he propped himself up on his elbow, looked sternly at Sirius, and said, –Now get your shoes off of my comforter.â€
Sirius grinned languidly. –You’ll be okay,†he said.
–We all will,†James said, and just then, it didn’t feel like a lie.
Pretendings by Willow Rosenberg
Author's Notes:
–All warfare is based on deceptionâ€
Sun Tzu, The Art of War
--------------------------------------------
The first time Sirius opened the door to the McKinnon’s kitchen and was doused in ice water, he laughed as uproariously as Gideon and Fabian, who had balanced the bucket above the door in the first place. The second time he laughed again, this time with a little bow in their direction. –Fool me once, eh boys?†The fourth time it happened, he began to get a little irritated. The seventh time, he lost his temper.
–SERIOUSLY?†he bellowed, his hair dripping into his eyes and his drenched clothes sending streams of water to the floor. –Do you seriously have NOTHING BETTER TO DO than wait for me to walk through this door so you can play the SAME MUGGLE TRICK on me for the THOUSANDTH TIME?â€
The occupants of the kitchen blinked at him. Gideon and Fabian, leaning against the table, were clearly trying not to snigger, while Dorcas Meadowes rolled her eyes in the corner. Benjy Fenwick exchanged an alarmed glance with Peter, and Marlene, who was standing at the sink with a mug between her hands, merely grinned.
–It just never gets boring, old chap,†Gideon explained. –Seriously, you never see it coming.â€
–It never occurs to you to, I don’t know, change it up a little?†Sirius snarled, wringing out his sleeve.
Fabian smiled toothily. –It’s foolproof,†he said. –The more we do it, the more you think, ‘Oh, they couldn’t possibly pull that one again’ and you walk right into it, don’t you?â€
Sirius narrowed his eyes at them suspiciously, then backed slowly out of the room.
–So,†Marlene said after a moment, setting her mug in the sink and crossing her arms, –didn’t you just blow it then, by telling him?â€
But Gideon and Fabian just looked at her, twin sparkles of mischief in their eyes.
The next day, Sirius Apparated directly into the kitchen instead of bothering with the door, and Gideon and Fabian tossed their bucket of ice water right in his face.
–If only you’d used the door,†Fabian said mournfully as a livid Sirius shook the water from his eyes. –You would have seen that one coming.â€
But this time, Sirius was planning revenge as he stalked from the room.
---
–But…I don’t understand,†Peter said, looking at him with wide eyes. –Why can’t you use magic? How many good Muggle tricks can there be, anyway?â€
–We have to do a Muggle prank,†Sirius explained patiently, for what he privately thought felt like the twentieth time, –because Gideon and Fabian didn’t use any magic, and I have to beat them.†He paused, and then clarified, "At their own game.â€
Peter yawned. –Why, though?†he asked. –Why not just laugh it off and wait for them to get bred?â€
Because taking the moral high ground always felt a lot like losing, Sirius thought, though he didn’t say it. Instead, he eyeballed Peter, who had now slumped forward onto the table and was wondering loudly about dinner.
Sighing, Sirius set his quill down on the depressingly blank piece of parchment in front of him and leaned back in his chair. –Oh, go on then,†he told Peter. –We’re not making progress anyway.â€
Peter was out of his seat and down the hall before Sirius could blink. –I’ll save you something!†he called as he disappeared.
Sirius shook his head, gazing around the second floor study he had commandeered. The trouble was, he mused, Peter just wasn’t cut out for pranking. Admittedly, he’d tried Moony first, but Moony’d been antsy and nervous the whole time, worried about someone getting annoyed or upset, until finally Sirius had had to let him of the hook as well.
–You,†he had said, –are way too concerned about everyone liking you.†And Remus had shrugged sheepishly, but hadn’t denied it.
Sirius drummed his fingers on the desktop, running his other hand through his hair. He supposed he should be doing work for the Order, but if Gideon and Fabian could get away with this, he was determined to as well.
Of course, he knew who he really needed by his side for this, but James still just seemed so, well fragile--there was no other word for it. It had been several weeks since he’d let Sirius and Lily into his parents’ house, and he’d improved dramatically since then--sometimes at Order meetings he seemed almost like his old self--but sometimes he still looked lost, a strange weariness in his eyes, years older. Sometimes Sirius looked at him and he could barely his best friend, and he was loath to do anything that might scare James back into his shell.
So, really, he was left with only one option.
---
She wasn’t anywhere in the McKinnon’s house, and Sirius was temporarily concerned that she wasn’t at Headquarters at all until, on a whim, he stepped out onto the porch and there she was, sitting on a rocking chair, wrapped in blankets, a fluffy white hat on her head and a book in her lap.
–Are you crazy?†Sirius asked. –It’s freezing out here! It’s November.â€
Lily made a face at him, as was her custom, and tossed him one of her blankets. It was surprisingly warm, and he immediately burrowed his hands into it.
–Duh,†she said, –I’m a witch.â€
In response, Sirius snagged another blanket off her lap and tucked himself into the rocking chair beside her.
–What are you reading?â€
She angled it towards him: The Art of War. –It’s a Muggle book,†she explained. –Marlene leant it to me--she has quite a collection, did you know that? Anyway, I just figured…since we’re on the edge of one…â€
–Mmf,†Sirius said noncommittally, and then, brighter, –Hey! How about a distraction?â€
–There is no way,†Lily said primly, –that I am helping you with your stupid vendetta against Gideon and Fabian.â€
Sirius was momentarily crestfallen. –Whyyy?†he whined.
–Lily rolled her eyes good-naturedly at him. –Because you should be asking James,†she said. –But you know that.â€
Sirius squirmed slightly. –I’d be lying if I said he wasn’t my first choice,†he admitted. –But it’s just been so…I mean, he’s…â€
–I know,†Lily said. –It’s weird. But I’ve been thinking, and maybe we need to stop treating him like he’s going to…fall apart any second, you know? He’s tougher than that. I know that, and you certainly know that.â€
Sirius shrugged mutely, and Lily nudged him with her foot. –Hey, since when do you ask me for advice on how to handle James, anyway?â€
–I’m not!†Sirius said indignantly. –I know how to handle James! I just--â€
–You what?†Lily prompted.
He looked at her then, and sighed. –I never lost my family,†he explained. –I left them. It never--never seemed like it would be that big of a distinction, really, but somehow it matters now. I can’t be there for him in the way you are.â€
Lily looked at him for a long moment, her expression unreadable. –That,†she said finally, –is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.â€
Sirius blinked at her.
–You may have been dealt a rough hand when it comes to your own family,†Lily told him sternly, –but that just means you were that much closer to James’s family! Which means you can be there for him in a way no one else can be.â€
–Yeah?†Sirius asked, looking heartened.
–You are the closest thing to a brother he has,†Lily said. –So quit moping around and act like it. Besides, weren’t you the one who was all mad at him weeks ago for behaving like he doesn’t have family anymore? If you want that to stop, go be his family. â€
–Whoah,†Sirius said. –Listen to you.â€
Lily looked up at him, and her face softened. –You lived with them for years,†she said. –I know it doesn’t mean the same thing, but you lost them too, you know.â€
Sirius closed his eyes for a long moment, unusually quiet, before grinning and stretching his hands over his head. –Knew we kept you around for a reason, Evans,†he said.
–Don’t make me hurt you, Padfoot,†Lily said calmly, going back to her book.
Sirius touched her shoulder as he stood, and went to find James.
---
–The bucket of water trick, huh?†James said skeptically a few hours later.
–I’m afraid so,†Sirius nodded.
The two of them were sitting at the kitchen table in their flat. James had slowly been moving things out of his parents’ house, preparing to sell it, and had been spending most nights there; it was the first time in a while that the two of them had in their own apartment together. Sirius had been delighted to find James there in the first place, and even more delighted at the way James’s face had lit up when Sirius had mentioned pranking Gideon and Fabian.
Maybe Lily was right, Sirius thought. Maybe leaving him alone for so long was a mistake and he just needed something to do. Merlin knows I would.
–Okay,†James was saying now, cupping his chin in his hands. –Here’s how I see it. We either need to do a series of small things, like they did to you with the water bucket, or one really huge, obnoxious thing.â€
Sirius quirked an eyebrow. –Well, Prongs,†he said, –when has our style ever been small?â€
James grinned. –I was hoping you’d say that,†he said.
Sirius sat up. –Why?†he asked. –Do you have an idea?â€
–Of course I do,†James said, looking rather affronted. –We haven’t been out of the game that long.â€
–Well, no,†Sirius said. –But, well…â€
It wasn’t often that he felt awkward around James, but he did now; he trailed off, unsure of what to say.
–You thought I’d be off my game because I’ve been doing nothing for the past month but hiding out in my parents’ house going over old scrapbooks?†James finished for him wryly.
–Is that what you’ve been doing up there?†Sirius heard himself ask, unable to restrain himself.
To his everlasting relief, James burst out laughing. –Of course not!†he said. –I’ve been going over all their legal documents--you know, their wills and everything--and trust me, it’s been a right headache! I can hardly be blamed if my mind drifted every once in a while.â€
–And it drifted straight to pranking Gideon and Fabian Prewett with me, did it?†Sirius asked skeptically.
–Well,†James said, and his grin was a bit too lascivious for even Sirius’s taste. –Sometimes.â€
–Ack, okay,†Sirius said, holding up his hands. –Stop, or I’ll never be able to look at Lily the same way again.â€
He relaxed back into his chair as James laughed easily, shaking his head. Then Sirius said, –You are looking at scrapbooks and everything too, right?â€
James looked up at him. –‘Course I am,†he said gruffly. –Little by little, anyway.â€
Sirius nodded. –Good,†he said. –At least, I think that’s good.â€
James rolled his eyes. –Yeah, probably healthy,†he said, then paused. –You’re in a lot of them, you know.â€
–Your mum’s scrapbooks?†Sirius asked, surprised, and James nodded. –Yeah, your dad was always taking pictures, wasn’t he?â€
A corner of James’s mouth quirked up. –He was at that,†he said. –But, well, if you ever wanted to, you know, look at any of them…â€
Sirius nodded quickly, his jaw locked. –I’d like that,†he said abruptly.
–I’ll bring them home, then, next time I go over there,†James said.
Sirius nodded again, not quite trusting himself to speak. After a moment, James cleared his throat and said, –So, about those Prewett brothers…â€
Sirius groaned. –Ugh, they’re thorns in my side, Prongs, I’ve needed you around desperately.â€
–People are staying at Headquarters quite a lot now, aren’t they?†James asked.
–Yeah,†Sirius said. –Sometimes they’re there so late that they don’t want to bother going home and just coming back. Or they’re on call for something. The McKinnon’s added a whole floor onto their house to accommodate all of us, did you know that? Went up fast, even for magic…â€
–How often do Gideon and Fabian stay at Headquarters?†James mused.
–Often enough that they have their own room there,†Sirius said, and James smiled devilishly.
–I was hoping you’d say that,†he said.
---
Unlike Gideon and Fabian, Remus did not have his own room at Order Headquarters, although he was starting to be there often enough. There was a guest room on the second floor with two beds that he stayed in sometimes, often some combination of himself, Sirius, James, and Peter. Tonight, though, Peter and Benjy had claimed it, and Remus was sitting by himself at the kitchen table, watching a candle burn lower in the dark and trying to work up the motivation to go home.
He was still in his parents’ house; he took James’s offer of support seriously, but he at least wanted to find a job before he moved out on his own, wanted to feel like he was contributing in some way. But nothing was panning out. It was like he wore his werewolf blood on his sleeve; most of the Order still didn’t know, but potential employers could sense it right off--whether they had psychics employed or it was the full moon’s off giveaway he didn’t know, but either way, his luck was against him.
–You’re here late,†came a voice from behind him, and he nearly jumped through the roof.
Remus groaned, dropping his forehead to the table. –Merlin, Marlene,†he said into his lap. –You scared me.â€
She laughed lightly, slipping into a chair beside him. –Lily and I decided we’re going to head back to our place,†she said. –You can have my room, if you need a place to stay tonight.â€
Remus shivered slightly at the thought, but he ignored it. –That’s okay,†he said. –I’ve been meaning to go home anyway, I just…†he sighed. –Don’t want to?â€
Marlene nodded. –It’s weird coming home as much as I do,†she said, –what with my parents’ house being Headquarters and all. But it’s nice to have my own place, and a job and all, so I’m gone enough.â€
Remus laughed humorlessly, unable to think of anything to say. Marlene watched him closely.
–Still no luck on the job front, huh?†she asked.
Remus shook his head wryly. She, like most of the Order, didn’t know about his wolf. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust her. It was just, well…she was a pureblood. She had been raised a certain way, a way that Lily hadn’t been, that Sirius had rebelled against, and that James and Peter had overcome. He didn’t expect her to drive him out or anything, not really, but he knew if he told her, she’d treat him differently--she could be anywhere from uncomfortable to appalled and horrified. And so, as usual, he kept his mouth shut.
But Marlene was looking thoughtful. –You know,†she said, –The Leaky Cauldron’s looking for a busboy. I mean it’s dishes and occasional bartending, and the pay is terrible, of course, but it might be something to do, until you find something better? I could put in a good word for you.â€
Remus sat up, looking at her raptly. –Would you?†he asked. –Would you really?â€
–Of course!†Marlene laughed, shaking her head at him. –Just come by during my shift tomorrow evening and you can talk to Tom. I’m sure he can work something out.â€
Remus didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of it before. The Leaky Cauldron catered to all sorts--surely Tom wouldn’t have as many reservations about hiring a werewolf?
–I will,†he said. –Thanks, Marlene.â€
–No problem,†she said lightly.
Behind her, Lily had suddenly appeared in the doorway, yawning. –Okay, I found some Floo Powder, I really don’t feel like Apparating, and you know that sometimes wakes our downstairs neighbors and they’re Muggles and they think we’re doing something illegal up there and I just don’t want to--oh, hi Remus, what’re you still doing here?â€
He smiled at her and got to his feet. –Just leaving,†he said. –Got any Floo Powder to spare? I don’t want to wake my parents.â€
Lily exchanged a look with Marlene. –You know,†she said, –you’re always welcome to crash on our couch, if you don’t want to go home.â€
–It’s okay,†Remus said. –Thanks. But I don’t think I’ll be there much longer.â€
Lily opened her mouth to reply when they heard the front door swing open; the three of them looked round to see James and Sirius, wearing all black and carrying a variety of objects, among them a tape measure and a hammer, sneak past the kitchen doorway.
Catching sight of them, James stopped, backed up a few steps, winked at Lily, and then ran quietly past the kitchen door again.
–I’m not even going to ask,†Marlene said as Lily gave a long-suffering sigh and tried not to smile.
–I expect we’ll find out soon enough,†Remus said, and helped himself to a pinch of Floo Powder.
---
Remus Apparated back to the McKinnon’s house the next morning, shortly after he woke up. It was early; the house was quiet as he stepped up onto the porch. He wasn’t surprised. It usually went this way; he was almost always the last to leave, and almost always came back before anyone was awake. He preferred it this way, as though no time had passed between his leavings.
But this morning, however, he was surprised--although not unpleasantly so--when he walked into the kitchen and found Sirius and James sitting expectantly at the table, their hands folded before them, and twin expressions of innocence on their faces.
Remus looked at them suspiciously. –What did you do?†he asked.
James shook his head and sighed deeply. –Oh, Moony,†he said. –So untrusting.â€
Remus snorted. –You can’t blame me. It’s highly unusual to see Sirius up and alert at this hour.â€
He said nothing about James’s reappearance, nor his suddenly buoyant attitude. The time for talking had passed; simply, he was happy to see James waking up from the stupor his parents’ death had sunk him in, and felt no need to force him to return to it.
Instead, he sat down at the table across from his two friends. It had been a long time since the three of them had sat like this, normal and together, and for a moment, he felt a sort of completeness. All they were missing, he thought, was Peter.
Sirius glanced over his shoulder to sneak a peak at the clock on the wall, then sighed impatiently. James grinned, elbowing him. Remus looked back and forth between them.
–So?†he asked. –Are you going to tell me?â€
–And ruin the surprise?†said Sirius, sounding shocked. –Of course not!â€
–Don’t worry,†James assured him. –Not much longer til--â€
He was interrupted as the flames in the fireplace flared suddenly green, and Marlene McKinnon clambered out, Lily close at her heels.
Sirius eyed them both. –You used Floo power?†he said scornfully.
–Didn’t feel like Apparating on an empty stomach,†Marlene said, waving her wand so a loaf of bread zoomed towards the table.
–You make an excellent point,†Sirius said, reaching for it.
Remus watched them banter, feeling strangely and suddenly sad; sometimes everything about Sirius, from the sweep of his hair to the way he spoke, just seemed so easy. Normally, Remus was glad of this--it allowed him to follow along in his bolder friend’s wake--but others, like now, it made him feel clumsy. He shuffled his feet, feeling too big for his body, and turned his attention to James, who was grinning rather foolishly at Lily.
–Goodness,†she said, eyeing him critically, –have you been here all night?â€
–We were busy,†he said, grabbing her by the hand and tugging her a few steps forward until she stood beside his chair.
–It’s even messier than usual,†Lily said as she petted his hair.
–It does look a little like you stuck your finger in an electrical socket,†Marlene commented. When they all looked at her, she shrugged. –What? I took Muggle Studies.â€
–Not all of us did,†grumbled Sirius.
Marlene ignored him, her attention on James. –It’s good to see you though, static aside,†she said. –It’s been too long. You had us worried.â€
Remus winced delicately as James grew somewhat stiller, but Marlene didn’t press the topic. Instead she turned to Sirius and said, –You, however, I could stand to see less of.â€
Sirius looked out her in mock-outrage. –How dare you!†he exclaimed. –I’m a delight.â€
They all laughed, breaking any residual tension. Sirius folded his arms haughtily, while James allowed Marlene and Lily to go back to tsking over his hair. Remus caught Marlene’s eye for a moment, then looked away.
The rest of the house was waking up. Peter, who often stayed at the house so as not to wake his aging mother with his comings and goings, wandered in looking bleary eyed while Benjy Fenwick bounded in energetically behind him. Dorcas Meadowes spun smartly out of the fireplace, brushing ash from her cloak, while Will McKinnon elbowed his way in between James and Lily, reaching for the toast. Dumbledore eased himself in so quietly through the front door that Remus wasn’t sure anyone else had noticed him. He thought that in some ways Dumbleore must prefer this--to spend his mornings observing the ragtag group who had pledged to fight for him.
To his relief, no one said much about James’s sudden reappearance; he received several pats on the back, and a curt nod from Moody, but aside from a –Look who it is!†or two, most seemed to take it in stride.
It wasn’t until Frank and Alice appeared at the entrance to the kitchen holding hands that someone thought to ask, –Where are Gideon and Fabian?â€
–I did think it seemed relatively quiet in here, considering,†Alice said, peering curiously through the kitchen, which only a deaf person would describe as quiet. –I mean, I’m not used to showing up for breakfast without getting catcalled at least a little.â€
–I’d be happy to fill in,†Will McKinnon offered with a grin, but Alice waved him off.
–Oh, no, Gideon’s got it down to a science, really,†she said, and everyone laughed.
There was a pause, and then Frank put in, –No, but really. It’s not like them not to turn up.â€
Remus cut his eyes to James and Sirius, who had exchanged smug glances. Then Sirius looked up, meeting Remus’s narrowed gaze, and held up a hand, ticking slowly back with his fingers: 5…4…3…2…1…
–OI!â€
The loud shout caused Dorcas to spill hot coffee down her front as she jumped in alarm; she hissed in displeasure.
–WE’D LIKE VERY MUCH TO COME DOWN NOW, PLEASE!†came another loud, familiar bellow from the yard.
–Ah,†Frank said. –There they are.â€
The shouting continued, and curiously, everyone in the kitchen filed out into the yard, following the sounds of the voices. Remus was startled, though not altogether surprised, to find Gideon and Fabian on the flat outcropping of roof that sat above the McKinnon’s porch at the back of the house. What was slightly more alarming was that their beds seemed to be out there with them.
Fabian sat at the end of the roof, his legs dangling over the edge, and the comforter from his bed wrapped around has shoulders. Gideon stood with his feet planted and his arms folded, his severe expression lessened somewhat by the fact that he was wearing daisy-printed pajamas and his hair was even more tousled than James’s. In fact, both of the brothers’ hair, normally a more muted strawberry, looked shockingly red in the rising sun.
Sirius had pushed his way to the front of the group of people and was grinning up at Gideon and Fabian, his arms hanging loosely at his sides. –Having a bit of trouble, boys?†he asked easily.
–I refuse to believe that you pulled this off without magic,†Gideon said, pointing at him.
–He had help,†James chimed in from where he was leaning against an apple tree, turning a couple of wands over in his hands.
–Ah,†said Fabian. –That’s where those went.â€
–Even with help,†Gideon persisted, –there is no way the two of you managed to move us and our beds out here without waking us up.†He looked down at himself for the first time. –And someone seems to have changed my pajamas.â€
–Oh, that part was easy,†Sirius said. –We just conked you both over the head with A History of Magic.â€
–That does explain the headache,†Fabian mused.
–I’m joking,†Sirius rolled his eyes. –What, you really think I kept my copy of A History of Magic after graduating? Please.â€
–Then how…Potions count as magic, you know!†Gideon said severely.
–Muggle sleeping pills!†James said happily. –Lily got them for us.â€
Remus looked over at Lily, who shrugged lightly.
–Guaranteed to last eight hours,†Sirius put in.
Most people were grinning, and Remus saw Benjy Fenwick chuckle, while beside him, Marlene laughed gaily. Dorcas Meadowes though, he noticed, was scowling darkly at Sirius.
–Well,†James was now admitting, –we did use a Silencing Charm around the room, but it was strictly to keep from waking up the rest of the house. Everything else, we did by hand. Lucky for us you have that big bay window."
–And then we took your wands and nailed the window shut so you couldn’t get back in,†Sirius added.
Up on the roof, Gideon and Fabian conferred for a moment in low voices. Then they shifted, staring down James and Sirius, who looked up at them with identical expressions.
–All right,†Gideon said finally. –We’ve determined…that this counts.â€
–But watch your backs,†Fabian said. –You’ve got yourselves in deep now. Because this,†he paused dramatically, –means war.â€
–Oh really?†Sirius said, puffing out his chest proudly. –And how, exactly, do you expect to retaliate from up there? And wandless, might I add?â€
–Oh, for Merlin’s sake,†Dorcas snapped, striding suddenly forward to rip Gideon and Fabian’s wands out of James’s hand. She flung them upwards, where they clattered in the gutter; Fabian scrambled after them.
–Aw, come on, Dorcas,†Benjy put in, looking rather crestfallen that his source of entertainment had dried up. –There’s nothing wrong with a bit of fun.â€
–Are you all idiots?†Dorcas hissed, turning on him. –We don’t have time for this kind of nonsense. In case you’ve forgotten, there’s a real war going on here.†Benjy backed away from her, his face unreadable, and she turned her back, stalking back into the house.
–Well, on that note,†Will McKinnon muttered under his breath, and then said brightly, –coffee, anyone?â€
They dispersed, many of them shivering in the morning air, realizing quite suddenly how chilly it was. Dumbledore, Remus noticed, had vanished without a word; he couldn’t help but wonder what the Headmaster had thought of the morning’s events.
Remus gravitated naturally towards Sirius and James, who were still standing in the lawn, apparently in deep conversation. Peter sidled up next to them as well, James and Sirius moving slightly apart to make room for them without a second thought. For a moment the four of them stood there, shoulder-to-shoulder, looking at each other, and Remus felt strangely calm.
Then Gideon, who had apparently retrieved his wand, leapt lightly down on one side of them. A moment later, Fabian followed suit. James and Sirius turned to face them. Behind them, Remus and Peter exchanged a glance--Remus’s amused, Peter’s wary. Remus became suddenly aware of Lily, who had appeared at his elbow, and Marlene, who was laughing in his ear.
–Just so you know,†Gideon said, squaring off against Sirius, –doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. You two did good today, I’ll admit it, but let’s see if you’ve got it in you for the long haul.â€
Gideon had several inches on Sirius, but Sirius wasn’t cowed. Instead, he stared calmly up at Gideon and said, –Oh, what, you think we’re amateurs or something? Don’t worry about us, Prewett. This isn’t our first tussle.â€
–Oh you’ve had some schoolboy successes I’m sure,†Gideon said, brushing an imaginary piece of lint from his shoulder, –but this is a man’s world.â€
Peter looked enthralled by this entire exchange. Remus would have, perhaps, gone along with it as well, tempted as he was to be swept away by the drama--but he could hear Lily and Marlene sniggering behind him, and it was taking him out of the moment.
But the moment seemed to be passing anyway. Sirius gave Gideon the sort of scathing look that seemed to be ingrained in members of the Black family since birth, and then sidestepped him.
–Well then, by all means,†he said as he turned his back, –give us your best shot.â€
Barely Half-Awake by Willow Rosenberg
Author's Notes:
"Let's all pack up, move this year
Slip the lines and disappear
Leave memories for auctioneers
And those just standing still."
Matt Nathanson, "Heartbreak World"
------------------------------------------
–Oh, Merlin, I’m going to be late. I’m going to be so late.â€
Lily grinned over her shoulder at Marlene, who was running wildly around the apartment with only one shoe on and her jacket inside-out. –You’re always late, Marl,†she said.
–I know,†Marlene sighed, hopping on her left foot as she pulled a sock onto her right. –That makes it so much worse.â€
–I don’t think Tom minds much,†Lily said around the nail that was sticking out of her mouth. She squinted at the gold-framed picture she’d held up against the wall in front of her, then set it lightly on the sofa, removed the nail from her mouth, and began hammering it into the wall. Once this was done, she turned to face Marlene, who was now looking under the sofa for her hat. –After all,†Lily continued as though there had been no interruption, –you are his best waitress.â€
Marlene considered this. –I suppose that’s true,†she said. –But oh, it’s not Tom. Remus is coming in today, I said I’d try to help him get a job there.â€
–Well, and you know Remus,†Lily said, straightening a gold-framed picture on the wall and stepping back to admire her handiwork. –He’s never late.â€
Groaning, Marlene threw a mitten across the room at Lily. It landed several feet from its intended target, who looked over her shoulder, and then turned back to hammer another nail into the wall. Marlene padded over to stand behind her.
–You know you’re a witch, right?†Marlene asked. –And you’re of age.â€
–Yes,†Lily said with a laugh, –actually, I am aware of that. Why do you ask?â€
Marlene eyed the scattered pictures hanging on the wall and said, –Well, there are easier ways to hang thoughts. You don’t have to do them all by hand.â€
Lily shrugged. –I know,†she said, –but it’s a good distraction.â€
Unexpectedly, Marlene sat down on the couch and blinked at her.
–You’re late,†Lily reminded her, but Marlene only shrugged.
–Whatever,†she said. –You’re more important. I’ll just Apparate to work.â€
–I thought Tom thinks it’s unprofessional when you Apparate in,†Lily said vaguely, but Marlene just waved her away.
–I’ll Apparate into the women’s bathroom and just tell him he didn’t see me walk in,†she said. –Now tell me what’s wrong.â€
–Who said anything’s wrong?†Lily asked, startled.
Marlene tutted at her. –Please,†she said. –You’re nailing pictures to the wall to distract yourself. Obviously it’s not from anything good.â€
Lily sighed and put down her hammer. –Well it’s not really anything bad,†she said, then sighed again. –Oh, it’s just…I feel so silly saying it out loud.â€
–Oh,†Marlene said, understanding. –James.â€
Lily eyed her. –Wish it wasn’t,†she said finally.
Marlene clucked in sympathy. –I did notice he hasn’t come around lately,†she said. –Did something happen?â€
Lily shook her head. –No, nothing,†she said. –I mean, he’s been distant since his parents died, you know. He was wonderful after my parents had their accident, but ever since his parents’ funeral, he’s just seemed so far away. Which was only to be expected, of course, but I just thought, well, you know. After he and Sirius pulled that prank on Gideon and Fabian, maybe…†she stopped and laughed lightly. –Saying it out loud makes me feel even sillier.â€
–Oh, no it doesn’t,†Marlene said. –It’s an impossible situation, isn’t it? He’s bound to feel uncomfortable coming to you, knowing you’ve gone through the same thing so recently. It’s hard to ask for support when you feel like you should be giving it. He probably feels guilty for even thinking about bothering you with it.â€
–But isn’t that what couples are supposed to do?†Lily asked, frustrated. –Support each other when things get hard like this?â€
–Sure,†Marlene said, –but this is uncharted territory for you both. And you’re still so young, Lil. You’re going to need time to figure it all out.â€
–I guess,†Lily said. –And in the meantime, I have my hammer.â€
–You get that wall,†Marlene said seriously, and then stood. –And I am going to get to work. Finally.â€
–Good luck,†Lily called after her, and Marlene turned on the spot and disappeared with a crack.
---
Remus stuck his hands in the pockets of his threadbare jacket and shivered in the cold. One finger poked out through a hole in his coat, and he looked down at it, frowning, and then clenched his hands into fists.
He’d been walking nervously up and down Diagon Alley for the better part of an hour, constantly checking his watch to see if it was time to meet Marlene yet. What he really wanted was a drink, but, he thought, it probably isn’t too professional to be seen downing several firewhiskeys before an interview at your potential place of employment. He had a sudden, sharp longing for the warmth and welcome of the Three Broomsticks, but he pushed it aside--he was in London now, after all.
He bounced onto the balls of his feet, checked the time again, and decided it was close enough. Briskly, he started down the street towards the Leaky Cauldron, ducking around the large groups of people doing their Christmas shopping--so many, he thought, even though it was only the first week of December. Some of them were clutching piles of parcels so high he couldn’t tell how they could see over them.
Snow was beginning to fall in slow, fat flakes around him, and he turned up the collar of his coat, trying to eke out all the warmth he could. The lights of the pub seemed very welcoming now indeed, and he pushed inside, shivering, forgetting even his nerves for a moment.
At the bar, Marlene was just tying an apron around her waist. He sidled shyly up to her, watching as she gave the knot a final pull, biting her lip. –Hi,†he said, and she looked up, smiling.
–Oh, good,†she said. –I was worried you would beat me here.â€
Remus decided not to mention just how long he’d been outside, but Marlene was already scanning him critically.
–You look frozen through,†she declared. –Come back after Tom gives you the job and I’ll get something that will warm you up.â€
As if summoned, Tom the barman appeared at Marlene’s elbow. –Making all my hiring decisions for me, this one,†he said, jerking his head towards her. –Sometimes I think she’s fixing to take over the place when I retire.â€
–Oh, Tom, please,†Marlene teased, whipping a dishtowel out from under the bar. –As if you’d ever retire.â€
Tom grinned toothlessly at her. He was small, bald, and utterly unintimidating, but Remus still felt a nervous lump in his throat as the barman gestured to him and shuffled towards a back room off the bar.
The room was dim and rather dusty; there was one small desk, a lamp, and several rickety wooden chairs. Tom heaved himself onto one, propped his feet up on another, and gestured to Remus to take the third. He did so somewhat gingerly, and the two blinked at each other.
–I’ll be honest with you,†Tom said eventually, folding his hands in front of his stomach. –Marlene’s a good kid. One of my best. And if she recommends you so thoroughly, then I’m inclined to hire you.â€
Remus’s mouth dropped slightly. –I…that is to say, this is…â€
–Not entirely what you expected?†Tom asked wryly.
Remus shook his head, swallowed, and then said, –No. And I appreciate it, sir, I do, but I…I’d rather earn it.â€
Tom looked at him appraisingly for a moment, and then laughed, a thin, reedy cackle that caused Remus to start a little. –Oh, please, Lupin, it’s a busboy job, no need to call me ‘sir.’â€
–Yes, sir,†Remus agreed.
Tom shook his head. –Look, I’ve seen you pass through here before, of course,†he said. –A bit less loudmouthed than some of your friends.â€
At this, Remus cracked a smile. –A bit.â€
–You need a job, I need a job done,†Tom said, shrugging. –I can’t pay you much, of course, but there’s a room just above the bar that I can offer you for cheap--I don’t rent it out to customers much because of the noise from the bar, so if you want it, it’s yours. I just need to ask if there’s anything I need to know about you before I hire you?â€
It was a better deal by far than Remus had been expecting, but he didn’t like the way Tom was looking at him now: shrewdly, as if he knew he was concealing something. He was loath to admit his condition, but he had an inkling Tom would know he was lying.
Swallowing, he looked the barman in the eye and said, –Well, I would…I would have to take full moons off.â€
–Ah,†Tom said, staring back at him unblinkingly. –Werewolf. I thought so.â€
–I--what?†Remus said, not sure what, precisely, Tom’s unflinching stare meant.
–You have the look,†the barman shrugged. –You hang around as many lowlifes--no offense--as I do, you become pretty good at figuring out when people are hiding. Been having trouble finding a job because of it, I suppose?â€
–Yes,†Remus said vehemently, suddenly and ferociously relieved. –People can just tell, I have no idea how!â€
–Charms, some of them,†Tom said. –Ones that will let you know when someone you’re talking too is lying or avoiding something. A few employ psychics, although that tends to be a bit more imprecise. And some will keep track of what you’ve touched and test it later, for various conditions. Most people are a bit pickier about their hiring than I am.â€
–So you’ll…you’d still be willing to hire me?†Remus asked, barely daring to believe it.
–I had a hag on payroll once, memorably,†Tom told him. –As far as I can tell, you’ll only shed a few days out of the month, and that I can live with. Just try not to bite any of the customers.â€
–I promise,†Remus said, reaching over to shake his hand, –I’ll keep my teeth to myself.â€
–Don’t worry,†Tom said. –I actually require that of all my employees.â€
It was a slightly dazed Remus who returned to the main room of the pub. Marlene put down the glass she was wiping out as she saw him approach. –So?†she asked, her hands on her hips. –You got it, right?â€
Mutely, Remus nodded, until the smile, unrestrained, burst across his face. Marlene beamed at him, then dried her hands quickly on her apron and, quite to his surprise, flung her arms around his neck. After a brief moment of hesitation, he returned the hug. Her enthusiasm was infectious; laughing, he found himself tightening his arms around her waist and lifting her full off her feet. Then, just as quickly, he set her down again, slightly stunned and embarrassed by his own boldness. Marlene, however, took it in stride.
–It will be so nice to have a friend back here,†she babbled, brushing one blonde curl away from her face. –It can get a little dull when the crowds are low--trust me, a week from now you’ll be wondering why you even wanted this job!â€
Remus doubted it, still high on the fact that someone was willing to hire him at all, but of course he couldn’t tell her that. He shuffled his feet anxiously, unsure of what to say, but was saved from having to respond by a familiar voice from behind them.
–You two look like you’re having fun.â€
The bar was empty enough that Remus knew instinctively that whoever was talking was talking to them, and sure enough when he turned around he saw Gideon Prewett leaning against the bar, his tall, broad body managing somehow to look elegant instead of hulking. Gideon shook his hair out of his eyes and grinned as Marlene turned to address him.
–I’m always having fun,†she said. Remus managed a feeble smile in return, although he suspected it might look more like a wince. Gideon nodded at him out of politeness, and then turned his attention to Marlene.
–So, listen,†he said. –I heard you were working tonight. I thought maybe I’d come by and see if you’d buy me a drink.â€
–Oh, is that how it works now?†Marlene said with a laugh, planting a hand on her hip and raising an eyebrow. –Because I have to say, I’ve had better offers.â€
Remus looked back and forth between the two of them, his elation draining away. Is this really how to talk to girls? he thought, somewhat astounded, as Marlene rested her elbows on the bar and leaned towards Gideon. And it actually works?
Looking at Gideon, he was struck by the notion that this must be how people who didn’t know Sirius felt about him--Sirius and Gideon had that same languorous confidence, that same ease, and Remus suddenly thought he understood why Lily had avoided them all for so long.
Unconsciously, he had taken several steps away from Gideon and Marlene, and was standing awkwardly behind the bar. His arms felt too long for his body, and he stuck his hands in his pockets only to pull them out again, feeling gawky and young and begrudging himself the space he took up.
A few seconds later, Tom shuffled into the room, taking in the tableau that was his barroom in one canny glance. His eyes lingered on Remus perhaps one knowing moment too long before he barked, –Oi! McKinnon! Don’t you have a busboy to be training?â€
–Right, sorry!†Marlene said, pushing away from the bar and gesturing to Remus.
–And you,†Tom jerked his head at Gideon, –shove off or buy a drink.†Gideon laughed at him, settling himself onto his barstool.
Grumbling, Tom turned around. As his gaze slid past Remus’s, he gave a little twitch that may or may not have been a wink, and Remus felt his spirits rise.
---
It was stranger than she’d thought it would be, Lily realized, having Muggle pictures and Wizard pictures on a wall together. For one thing, the Muggle pictures looked duller and older, somehow, and considering that they were, for the most part, of her parents, she felt more than dissatisfied with this. For another, the people in the Wizarding photos were highly interested in the stationary Muggle pictures, and kept crowding around the corners of their frames to get a look.
–You’re messing up my aesthetics,†Lily told a frame containing a James and Sirius who were elbowing each other out of the way, craning their necks to try and see into the picture below them. Typically, they ignored her.
The pictures were only half-hung, but Lily felt bone tired, sick of not being able to do it right. Wearily, she dropped her hammer and flung herself backwards into the soft green sofa that used to sit in her parents’ living room. –Maybe Marlene’s right,†she muttered. –Maybe I should just use magic.â€
–Talking to yourself, Lily?â€
She craned her neck as the door opened, and Marlene waved at her cheekily. A moment later, Remus followed her through the door.
–Merlin, are you home already?†Lily yawned. –I’ve been doing this longer than I thought.â€
–If you used magic…†Marlene began, walking towards the kitchen, and Lily cut her off with a wave.
–I know, I know, I’d be done already. We both know that’s not the point.â€
–I like them,†Remus said unexpectedly, squinting at the pictures.
Lily scowled at him. –Yours are being difficult,†she said.
–I took those?†Remus asked, surprised, and Lily nodded.
–Most of the Wizard ones you gave me,†she said, and he looked gratified. Standing, Lily stretched her arms over her hand and turned fully to face them. –So I assume you got the job?†she said, mustering a smile.
Remus opened his mouth, but it was Marlene, appearing from the kitchen with a bottle of firewhiskey in her hand, who answered. –He did!†she said. –I think Tom even likes him!â€
–Impressive,†Lily said, grinning despite herself.
–I convinced him to come over for a drink,†Marlene said, –to celebrate. Also, you better drink while you can, because you’ll be sick of alcohol of all kinds within the week, I promise.â€
She poured them each a glass, then flicked her wand at the fireplace, where a bright fire leapt up. The three of them tapped their glasses together, then settled comfortably onto the couch again. Maybe it was the fire, or the company, but Lily felt her spirits lift.
The snow that had begun falling when Remus waited outside the Leaky Cauldron was heavier now, and it settled prettily outside the window as the fire danced higher. After awhile, Marlene glanced at her watch and swore lightly.
–It’s not that late, is it?†Lily asked, glancing over at her.
–No, not for normal people,†Marlene sighed. –But I have to be up obscenely early for work tomorrow morning.â€
Remus looked over at her sharply. –At the Cauldron?†he asked. –I thought--â€
Marlene looked suddenly guilty, and Lily laughed. –Marlene has two jobs,†she said. –Don’t tell anyone.â€
Remus furrowed his brow as he looked at them. –Why…would anyone care?â€
–Well,†Marlene said, –I don’t know that most people would, but my other job is at a bookstore. A Muggle bookstore. And I don’t think my brother would approve.â€
–Will?†Remus was startled. –But…he can’t have a problem with Muggles, can he?â€
–No, no, not like that,†Marlene said. –It’s not a blood purity thing with him. He’s just…well, he’s very concerned about safety, Will is, he takes the Statute of Secrecy very seriously. He doesn’t like unnecessary risks. And spending too much time with Muggles, well, he’d consider that a risk.â€
–Well then…not that I agree with him, but if you’re worried about making waves, then why do it?†Remus asked, tilting his head.
Marlene sighed wistfully, leaning back against the sofa. –Because,†she said, –we don’t have anything quite like it. Spellbooks, magical history books, we have more than enough of that, but Muggles, they have novels, they have poetry…they don’t have magic like we do, so they have to make their own.â€
Remus was quiet for a moment, absorbing this, and Marlene shook her head. –Listen to me,†she laughed. –I think that’s definitely my cue to go to bed. I’ll see you two tomorrow.â€
They said goodnight and she walked off, humming to herself and disappearing into her bedroom down the hall. For a moment, Lily and Remus just sat silently, Lily watching the snow and Remus watching the fire. Eventually, Lily pulled her knees up to her chest and looked at him.
–So, really,†she said. –Congratulations. I know this job search thing has been getting to you.â€
–I’d just about given up,†he admitted, inclining his head.
–Oh, please,†Lily said. –I know you. You wouldn’t have ever given up.â€
–Maybe so,†Remus said, –but I’m glad I don’t have to find out.â€
She seemed to be on the verge of a question, but then changed her mind at the last minute. –Did I tell you,†she said conversationally, –that I got a job at the Apothecary?â€
–No!†he said, turning to look at her. –How’d you manage that?â€
–Slughorn,†she admitted. –He put in a good word for me--obviously, he has some influence there, considering the amount of Potions ingredients he buys. Anyway, it means it will be really easy for me to get my hands on any ingredients I may need, you know, for a regular potion.â€
The Wolfsbane Potion hung, unspoken, between the two of them, the easy silence becoming somewhat tense. And finally, Lily looked at him and asked, –So, does Tom…know?â€
Remus looked unconsciously over his shoulder towards Marlene’s door before looking back at Lily and lowering his voice. –Yeah,†he admitted. –He was surprisingly okay with it.â€
Lily blinked at him, her eyes looking unusually large in the dim lighting.
–What?†he asked her, laughing self-consciously.
She shook her head. –I just hope that one day you’ll stop being so surprised when you hear that.â€
Remus didn’t say anything, and it was in a softer tone that, a moment later, Lily said, –You could tell her, you know.â€
Remus sent one fleeting glance down the hall towards Marlene’s room. –No,†he said finally. –No, I don’t think I can.†Then he shook his head like a dog shaking off water and rose to his feet. –It’s late,†he said, staring into the fireplace again. –I should get home. Mind if I use your Floo Powder?â€
She let it go, standing beside him and reaching for the pot above the fireplace. –Of course not,†she said.
He smiled wanly at her. –Thanks, Lil,†he said, resting his hand briefly on her shoulder, then letting it fall into the pot for a pinch of powder.
–Goodnight,†she whispered after he had tossed the powder into the fire and vanished with the smoke.
Restlessly, she eyed the pictures dotting the wall before her, and the pile of them still on the ground. She picked up her hammer, then paced up and down the floor, not knowing how to settle her thoughts. Maybe everyone has the right idea, she thought. Maybe I should just go to bed.
She was on the verge of doing just that when she heard, so faintly she thought at first she imagined it, a faint knock on the door. Instinctively, her hand went to the wand in her back pocket--it was a bit late for houseguests, but then, what Death Eater would knock? Still, it was with no small amount of suspicion that she edged towards the door.
When she cracked open, it was to see James on the other side of the threshold, just turning to leave.
–James?†she whispered, as much in shock as trying not to wake the neighbors.
–Hi,†he said tentatively, almost as though he didn’t think he was welcome. –Hi. I thought maybe you were asleep, I’m sorry.â€
She shook her head. –Not even close. I’m hanging pictures. What are you doing here?â€
–I know it’s late,†he murmured. –It just felt…it feels like I haven’t seen you in a very long time. And, well. I wanted to.â€
–Yeah,†she said, a bit dazed. –It does.â€
And it did--it felt like it had been months since she’d seen him on the other side of her door, even longer since they’d been alone together, and even though he was here, now, standing in front of her, she felt the sudden pang of missing him.
–Well,†she said briskly, shaking it off and straightening her spine. –Come in, then.â€
James looked oddly relieved, as though he’d honestly thought she might not let him in. He followed her into her apartment, shrugging off his coat as he went. The shoulders were covered in a dusting of snow, and more was dusting his hair. He must’ve walked, Lily realized, and resolved to make him Apparate or at least Floo back…this was no time to be catching a cold…
He was standing now before her half-completed wall of photos, his hands clasped loosely behind his back, and she came to stand beside him, trying to look at the photos through his eyes. There were plenty, of course, of the two of them--together and not, many joined by Remus and Sirius and Peter. One in the bottom corner showed the four boys wrestling, and at the moment, unusually, Peter was the winner, sitting victoriously atop the tangled pile of James, Sirius, and Remus, who all blinked up at him in bemusement. There were a few of Lily and Marlene, and some with Mary Macdonald and Alice Rourke, and one of Marlene and Will that Lily had only grudgingly allowed. In the middle was a still Muggle photo of Lily’s parents, and another of Lily and Petunia that Lily had debated about hanging up for hours. She still wasn’t sure she was going to leave it there. And there were more, still, to be hung. She watched as James noted the pile of nails by the table, the hammer on the floor, and the stacks of gilded frames.
He didn’t ask why she was hanging so many. He didn’t ask why she was doing them by hand, without magic. He didn’t ask why she was still awake or staring at a wall full of memories or as silent as he. Instead, his eyes found the next spot on the wall she’d marked with a pencil and, gracelessly, his lower lip between his teeth, he bent to pick up the hammer and a nail and, slowly, as quietly as possible, began to tap it into the wall.
Silently, she bent beside him, reaching for a picture. The first one she touched was one she’d taken with a Muggle camera, of James sitting at a table with his father, the two of them laughing uproariously about something, caught and immobile in the moment. With a quick glance at him, she set it aside for the moment--it wasn’t time, not yet. Instead, she picked up the one below it.
She’d taken this one as well, but it was a Wizard photo this one, showing the wide expanse of the Hogwarts grounds and the Forbidden Forest. Part of the Quidditch pitch was visible in the corner, and the James in the photo was, in fact, wearing Quidditch gear, but his broom was tossed off to one side. Instead of flying he was running back and forth, laughing, playing with a giant black dog. As she watched, the dog crouched over his massive forepaws, his tail waving above his back, and James tackled him, wrestling him to the ground.
Satisfied, Lily stood, bringing the picture with her. James looked down at it and a smile ghosted across his face. He reached for it, and together, shoulder-to-shoulder, they positioned it on the wall. Lily tilted her head, adjusted the frame, stepped back. James moved beside her as she did, and she felt, light as snow, his fingertips fall softly against the small of her back. For awhile they just stood here, and she thought, maybe, the pictures looked right after all.
Many and Mighty by Willow Rosenberg
Author's Notes:
"For the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack."
Rudyard Kipling, "Laws of the Jungle"
------------------------------------
–What can I do to help, Mrs. McKinnon?†Lily asked, brushing the last of the fireplace ash from her arms.
Freya McKinnon had the blonde hair, large blue eyes, and easy self-assuredness of both her children, although she lacked Marlene’s softness; Lily was reminded much more forcibly of Will. Like him, Freya was all angles, from the crook of her elbow to the sharpness of her jawline to the cunning look that was always in her eyes. But she smiled tiredly at Lily, who was struck suddenly by how difficult it must be to host the whole of the Order--like having houseguests who refused to leave. Freya, it appeared, was currently preparing food, although it was quite possible she was putting together Potions ingredients--it was hard to tell sometimes.
–Actually, Lily dear, I’m running low on a few things from the garden I need, if you wouldn’t mind?â€
–Not at all,†Lily said easily.
–How are you with herbs?†Freya asked. –I can show you samples if you need--â€
–I should be okay,†Lily said. –I was fair at Potions. What is it you need?â€
–Not too much,†Freya said. –A few valerian sprigs, a handful of knotgrass, and a bit of parsley.â€
–Got it,†Lily nodded. –I’ll be back in a flash!â€
–Oh--†Freya called after her as she headed towards the door, –the knotgrass in the greenhouse, not in the garden.â€
Lily nodded her understanding and slipped outside. The McKinnons had a large garden year-round; even in the winter they kept the plants alive through liberal uses of magic. The greenhouse was less a seasonal necessity and more a precaution against any Muggles who happened to wander by--the more magical plants were kept out of sight.
She located the parsley and the valerian easily enough, slicing off a few sprigs of each with her wand and setting them aside. She frowned at the plants as she did so--the parsley, as far as she knew, was just for dinner, but the valerian plant was normally used as a sedative. Order-related, or for personal use? she wondered fretfully, remembering a long-ago Potions class. –You’ll want to be careful with the valerian springs,†Slughorn had said to them, unusually sober. –It’s a handy little plant, but if used to frequently, one can develop a certain, ah, dependence, and in large enough doses, it can prove fatal.â€
Cautiously, she kept the pile of valerian small, setting it aside with the parsley as she rose to walk towards the greenhouse. The air was brisk, and smelled like snow despite the fact that the sun was bright today. She shook her head, the fresh air clearing it wonderfully. She was being silly, of course. Freya McKinnon was, among other things, an accomplished Potion-maker--she certainly knew what she was doing.
It was not, however, without some trepidation that she entered the greenhouse; she had been adept at Potions, to be sure, but Herbology had been less of a strong suit, and some of the plants in the McKinnon’s greenhouse tended to get a little feisty. The knotgrass, unlike the Muggle variety out in the garden, was no exception--it waved at her from across the greenhouse, and she scowled at it.
She knelt gingerly beside the patch of plant, reaching into her back pocket for her wand. A Fanged Geranium nipped at her wrist and she yelped, resisting the urge to step on it. She sighed, looking up towards the ceiling of the greenhouse. The knotgrass was tall enough that it reached halfway up the wall, and as the geranium was beginning to sway towards her again, she decided to take the risk of cutting off the tops instead of pulling out the roots.
Standing on her toes, Lily grasped a handful of the knotgrass with one hand and raised her wand with the other. One long strand of the plant curled around her wand arm, and she batted it back. It returned more insistently, and she knocked it aside once more. The grass she held began to sway back and forth, at first gently and then hard enough to break her grip. Huffing, she rolled back her sleeves and raised her wand, but as she opened her mouth to utter a spell, a tendril of the plant reached out and plucked the wand insouciantly from her grasp. She reached for it, but a great chunk of the plant descended on her, the grass wrapping both her arms tightly from wrist to elbow, a few looping contentedly around her waist.
It wasn’t the Devil’s Snare--the plant wasn’t trying to choke her, and the knots were just tight enough to hold. It just left her there, impossibly tangled and swearing. The plant brushed one stem lightly across her face, and she cursed at it. The ends just swayed happily.
And then, suddenly, she felt hands at her elbows, cool as they moved across the small of her back, gently coaxing the knotgrass from her body. As soon as she was free, her savior gave a great heave and she stumbled backwards into his chest. His arms went around her to keep her from falling, but even when she had caught her balance, he didn’t let go.
Grinning, Lily leaned back against him--with everything that had been going on, it had been so long since she’d been held, really been held by someone other than a presumptuous plant.
–Okay, I’ll admit it,†she teased lightly. –Sometimes you have perfect timing.â€
–Only sometimes?†the voice rumbled through the chest behind her, and it was so jarringly different from the one that she had expected that she started forward, breaking out of his grasp and almost falling into the patch of knotgrass again.
Will McKinnon stood behind her, laughing, shaking his gold hair from his eyes.
–Will!†she gasped, still startled, –Merlin, what were you doing?â€
–You didn’t seem to mind it,†he pointed out.
–Well, that’s because I thought you were James!†she said, crossing her arms tightly and feeling rather flustered. –You keep your hands to yourself.â€
He was still laughing, but he rolled his eyes at her. –Oh, relax, Evans,†he said. –I grew up with that knotgrass, I know how tricky it can be.â€
–What are you even doing in here?†she growled at him, and he shrugged.
–Mum sent me in to see if you needed any help. And clearly,†he paused to look her up and down, –it’s a good thing she did.â€
There were very few people that Lily was all right with looking like a fool in front of, and Will McKinnon was most decidedly not one of them. She scowled, even more deeply than she had scowled at the knotgrass, and said, –Well I didn’t. I had things perfectly in control.â€
–Sure you did,†Will said, flicking his wand so hers came zooming out towards them. Almost in the same movement, he neatly sheared off the top foot of the nearest clump and pocketed it.
Lily caught her wand and shrugged. –I did,†she said, sounding petulant even to herself.
–All right,†Will said, raising his hands in protest. –I’m sure you knew what you were doing. Just looking for a little cuddle session with the plants, I’m sure.†He brushed behind her as he headed for the door, then paused and murmured into her ear, –I could help with that too, you know.â€
Before she could reply, he gave her a mock bow and disappeared. Shocked, she stood there a moment longer, and then departed the greenhouse, pausing only to pick up the small stack of herbs she’d left by the door.
The kitchen, when she entered, was mercifully empty of any McKinnons, but she found Sirius and James sitting at the table. Depositing the herbs on the counter, she sank into the chair next to James as the two boys greeted her.
–Were you in the greenhouse with Will?†Sirius asked. –He just passed through.â€
–You know what I’d like?†Lily said conversationally. –If Will McKinnon shriveled up and died.â€
To her surprise, both Sirius and James laughed. –Look out, Prongs,†Sirius said. –Looks like you’ve got competition.â€
–Were you listening to me?†Lily snapped. –I just said I can’t stand him.â€
James nodded mournfully. –It’s true,†he said to Sirius. –Listen to that, he’s exactly her type.â€
Lily frowned and slouched lower in her chair. –Just because you and I didn’t get along for a few years--I don’t have the desire to snog every boy who irritates me, you know!â€
James looked at Sirius, one side of his mouth quirked up slightly. –Aw, look,†he said. –It’s so cute--â€
–Don’t,†Lily said fiercely, –say it’s cute when I’m mad, because--â€
James raised his hands in the air, reminding her unpleasantly of Will making the same gesture a few minutes prior. –Oh, I’m not,†he said. –It’s not cute when you’re mad at me.â€
–It’s adorable when you’re mad at someone else, though,†Sirius interjected. –It’s a nice change of pace, actually.â€
Lily glared at them both, her gaze shooting to James when he chuckled. –Watch it,†she said. –I don’t particularly like you right now either.â€
He grinned and leaned over to plant a kiss on top her head. –Good,†he said. –Then I have nothing to worry about.â€
---
It was the morning before the first night of the full moon, and Sirius was restless.
He supposed it was Remus who had the right to be restless, but full moons weren’t what they used to be--the werewolf’s screams were harder to contain in the city, so Remus actually went all the way back to the Shrieking Shack each month. He went alone--they’d decided it would be too obvious to those of the Order not in the know if all of them disappeared for days at a time--and Sirius felt sorry for him, but also strangely jealous. He’d not seen Hogwarts since the previous spring, when they’d left it, and it caused him almost a physical hurt to picture the castle now, drenched in snowdrifts and bustling without them.
Tonight, though, was different. Lily had been feverishly practicing the tricky Wolfsbane Potion for months, and finally this month, albeit a bit nervously, she’d deemed it ready to try. It was hard to tell whether Remus or Lily was more anxious about the outcome, but as it was, they were all set to be at Sirius and James’s apartment tonight, to support--or intercede.
It was hours until sunset, but Remus, James, and Lily were already there, preparing. Or, more likely, pacing, as Sirius was doing now in the McKinnon’s house. As usual, they’d thought it wouldn’t do for them all to disappear at once, so Sirius and Peter had stayed behind, in an effort to do something useful.
–You’re going to wear a hole in the floor,†Peter said. He was standing in the doorway of the McKinnon’s living room with his arms crossed, watching Sirius walk back and forth up the hallway.
–It’s the ground floor,†Sirius said vaguely, and Peter rolled his eyes.
–You know what I mean.â€
Sirius huffed and stuck his hands in his pockets, turning to face Peter. –You know,†he said, –I think he should just tell everyone.â€
–You know he why he can’t,†Peter said quietly. –You know what he’s afraid of.â€
–But he shouldn’t be, not here,†Sirius protested. –Half the Order knows anyway--Dumbledore does, all the teachers do, I’m sure Moody’s figured it out, if Dumbledore hasn’t told him. I mean, do you honestly think anyone here would mind?â€
Peter hesitated, and in the very pregnant pause that followed, Sirius was sure they were both thinking about Will McKinnon.
–Well,†Peter said finally, –I don’t think anyone would run him out of town or anything, but some of the Order are more…er…traditional than others.â€
Dorcas Meadowes, Sirius thought grimly. The McKinnons…maybe not Marlene so much, but they’re an old family. So are the Boneses.
–They’d get over it,†he protested weakly. –Dumbledore wouldn’t stand for anything else.â€
But Peter only shrugged. –He’s scared, Padfoot,†he said softly. –I know you might not be afraid of anything, but he is. They’d treat him differently. They’d see him differently, and you know what kind of toll that would take on him.â€
Sirius was feeling restless again. He bounced on the balls of his feet, looking away from Peter. –You know, Wormtail,†he said eventually, with a smile, –it kind of freaks me out when you’re smart.â€
–Hey,†Peter protested mildly, –I’m smart.â€
Sirius looked at him. –I remember you taking the O.W.L.s,†he said pointedly. –You didn’t breathe for a week.â€
–Well I never said I was book smart,†Peter grumbled, and Sirius grinned at him.
–How much longer do you reckon we should stick around?†he said thoughtfully, and Peter shrugged again.
–It’s not like we’re doing much,†he said. –As usual.â€
–We do stuff,†Sirius said, his brow furrowed. –We…train, and stuff.â€
–Sure,†Peter said. –And how many fights have we been in again? Not that I’m complaining.â€
But Sirius wasn’t listening to him. –Damn,†he murmured, feeling around in his pockets. –I think I’ve left my wand somewhere upstairs. I’ll be back.â€
–I’ll be here,†Peter said. –Just talking to myself.â€
Sirius bounded up the stairs three at a time, glad to be moving again. His wand, he saw, was laid neatly on a window ledge, and he looked at it suspiciously as he picked it up, half-wondering if Gideon had tampered with it. But at the sound of soft voices down the hallway, he forgot his concerns, sticking the wand in his back pocket and creeping forward curiously to peer through a door that was slightly ajar.
Gideon was standing just in his line of sight, his arms crossed. To his left, someone was saying –--kind of magic could even do that, they’re huge…â€
Laughing mirthlessly, Gideon said, –Well, yeah, Fab, that’s why they’re called giants.â€
Sirius recognized Moody’s growl when it came next. –We’re not talking about head-to-head combat here, of course it isn’t practical, we can’t just shoot Confundus Charms at their eyes and hope it works…but the fact of the matter is, we’re getting ahead of ourselves here. We don’t even know for sure he’s recruited them, just that he’s trying--â€
Gideon shifted slightly to the side then, and Sirius found himself looking directly at Albus Dumbledore, who was looking directly at him.
Dumbledore didn’t blink, just raised one eyebrow gently, and then lifted a finger for silence. When it fell, the Prewetts looking at each other in confusion, Dumbledore said, –Come in, Sirius.â€
Sheepishly, Sirius nudged the door open and slid into the room. Frank Longbottom, McGonagall and Dorcas Meadowes were there as well, Dorcas looking disapproving while McGonagall was as impassive as ever. Frank was looking at Sirius sympathetically.
–Listening at keyholes?†Moody inquired.
–The door was open,†Sirius pointed out unnecessarily, and Moody scowled pointedly at him. –I came up to get my wand,†Sirius amended. –And I heard voices. Can I help?â€
–This is grown-up time, Black,†Gideon sniffed. –None of us want to babysit.â€
Feeling decidedly hot around the collar, both Sirius’s voice and temper rose. –I’m of age,†he protested. –We all are. We’re as much a--â€
But Gideon scoffed and turned away from him, exchanging a glance with Fabian. Angry and wanting to be heard, Sirius turned towards Dumbledore, who was watching him with cool blue eyes.
–We’re as much a part of this group as anyone else,†he said. –As much as anyone older. We have just as much at stake as you do, and you wouldn’t have wanted us here if you didn’t think we could do something. And…and of course we’ll collect Potions herbs and we’ll keep an ear to the ground for gossip and we’ll run errands, but we can do more than that. We aren’t children in this war anymore.â€
It was true, he thought, although he hadn’t quite realized it until this moment. He’d been so caught up with the war Remus was fighting that he’d nearly forgotten about the one they’d all come here to fight, perhaps because he’d barely seen the effects of it. But he wondered, now, if the war was quite as invisible as it appeared; Dumbledore was looking somewhat worn around the eyes, as though he were tracking movements Sirius knew nothing of. Quite suddenly, he felt a rush of sympathy.
But it dissipated as Gideon snorted again. –Please,†he said, –you’re barely out of school, you’re--â€
And Sirius was once again furious, wheeling to face him. –You,†he snarled, –have no idea what I’ve made it through, or--â€
–Enough.â€
The one word cut between Sirius and Gideon who were squared off and bristling. Snapping back into himself, Sirius turned to look at Dumbledore, who was eyeing them both. –You’re right,†he said finally to Sirius. –You can do more. But not tonight. We’ve been in this discussion too long, and you, Mr. Black,†he paused as his eyes bored knowingly into Sirius’s, –have somewhere to be?â€
–Right,†Sirius said. –Sorry. I, ah, well. See you later.†And he slipped from the room, their silence heavy on his back.
As his foot hit the first stair, however, the end of his wand exploded, blowing a hole in his back pocket. Pulling it out of the tatters of his jeans, he swore, and could hear Gideon guffawing from the room he had just left--Gideon had hexed his wand after all.
–Watch your buttocks there, boy!†he heard Moody call.
Cursing them both, Sirius stomped down the stairs to where Peter stuck his head curiously around the corner. –What was that all about?†he asked.
–I don’t want to talk about it,†Sirius muttered. –Let’s just go.â€
–Okay,†Peter said.
Sirius strode towards the fireplace, seething, while Peter tagged along behind him. As he groped for the pot of Floo Powder, he heard Peter say, –Um…do you know you have a hole in your pants.â€
Sirius gritted his teeth. –Yes, Wormtail,†he said. –I am aware.â€
–It wasn’t there before,†Peter, for some reason, seemed compelled to point out.
–No,†Sirius said. –It wasn’t. After you.â€
He passed the Floo pot to Peter, who took a pinch, through it into the fire, and stepped in. After a long moment and several deep breathes, Sirius followed.
---
James was trying hard not to be anxious.
It was a difficult task though, when everyone around him was; Lily was bent over a cauldron in his kitchen, stirring and muttering to herself, her hair curling around her face from the heat. Remus was lying on the sofa, staring at the ceiling and twitching. Every once in a while, he sat bolt upright and darted a glance out the window, where the sun still hung well above the horizon.
It was, James thought, enough to drive anyone mad.
The sky was just starting to turn the light orange of sunset when the fireplace blazed up, and Peter and Sirius stepped out. –Thank Merlin you’re here,†James said in a low voice, walking towards them. –I need someone sane, the two of them are--Padfoot, what happened to your pants?â€
–GIDEON PREWETT,†Sirius shouted, –HAPPENED TO MY PANTS.â€
James, who had not been expecting this outburst, took a step back, his eyes wide. –Oh,†he said. –Well.â€
–He doesn’t want to talk about it,†Peter supplied. –He probably just wants to change his pants.â€
Sirius, startlingly, snarled at them both in a rather doglike manner, and stomped off to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. James opened his mouth, closed it again, and looked at Peter.
–I’m starved,†Peter said. –Have you got anything to eat?â€
James could have hugged him. –Yes!†he said. –What a delightfully normal request! Of course we do! Let’s go to the kitchen!â€
Peter eyed him thoughtfully. –You know,†he said, –sometimes I think you’re all a bit mad.â€
–Sometimes,†James said, –you might be right.â€
In the kitchen, they found Lily ladling the contents of the cauldron into a goblet. –Finished?†James asked, and she nodded mutely.
–Did you do it right?†Peter asked, peering into the cauldron, and Lily narrowed her eyes at him.
James elbowed Peter out of the way and said, as reassuringly as he could, –Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s right. I mean, it’s been right every other day this week, right?â€
–We don’t know that it’s been right,†Lily said darkly. –Just that it hasn’t been wrong enough to poison him.â€
–As long as we’re thinking positive,†James said under his breath.
–That’s how it works, though,†Lily continued. –He has to ingest it every day for a week before the full moon, and I have to have done it exactly right or there could be terrible side effects…â€
James came around the kitchen table and put his hands on her shoulders. –Come on,†he said. –You’re one of the best potion-makers Slughorn has ever seen. And you’ve been practicing this one for months, there’s no way it’s anything but perfect.â€
Lily sighed. –I just wish--†She stopped, biting her lip and looking away.
–What?†he asked.
She hesitated, meeting his gaze. –I just wish I could ask Severus about it.â€
–Oh,†James said after a minute, straightening up.
Almost pleadingly, Lily said, –It’s not that I wish I was still friends with him, I know what he became, I know he’s probably a Death Eater by now, but…well, he was brilliant at Potions, you have to admit that, we always helped each other when we got stuck.â€
James couldn’t help it; it had been months since he’d thought about Severus Snape, but his lip curled slightly as he did so now. He looked at Lily, and even now, Snivellus loomed between them.
He tried to think of what Remus would say--Remus, who’d had the least volatile relationship with Snape of any of them. –Look,†he said. –You helped him just as much as he helped you. You can do this. You have done this.â€
Lily’s eyes were oddly bright. From behind them, Peter piped up, –We believe in you!†Lily, having quite forgotten he was there, jumped slightly, and James laughed.
–Hey, we managed to become Animagi in the fifth year, and that can go pretty terribly wrong as well,†he said. –This should be a snap.â€
–You know if it goes wrong,†Lily said dryly, –then that’s going to make me feel like an idiot, right?â€
James grinned. –So don’t mess up, Evans,†he teased. Groaning, she punched him in the chest, and then stood to take the goblet to Remus.
After downing it, Remus insisted on locking himself in the bathroom to wait for the transformation, even though there was time yet until moonrise. Lily sat on the couch, twining her fingers together fretfully, and after a moment, James and Peter came and sat down on either side of her.
It was growing steadily darker, but none of them got up to turn on a light; after a while, James heard a creak behind him, and turned to see Sirius, wearing a pair of jeans and nothing else, walking around the perimeter of the flat with his wand out, murmuring.
–What are you doing?†Peter asked softly, and Sirius looked up.
–Silencing Charm,†he said. –Just in case. So the Muggles don’t hear any, er, suspicious noises.â€
–Good idea,†James said.
–Where are your clothes?†Lily asked, and Sirius grinned.
–Surely you’re not complaining?†he said loftily, flexing his arms dramatically.
James rolled his eyes. –You certainly seemed to have gotten over your tiff,†he muttered, and Sirius ignored him.
–I figured I might need to transform in a hurry,†he explained. –I don’t want to have to deal with struggling out of clothes if I need to move fast.â€
–You’re still wearing trousers,†James pointed out.
–Well, of course,†Sirius said. –Lily would leave you instantly for me if she saw me without my trousers. Besides, I don’t care about these jeans. They’re yours.â€
James started to protest, but Lily shushed him, motioning towards the closed bathroom door. A low keening noise was coming from behind it, and a strange shifting sound. With a nod from James, Peter suddenly transformed into a small brown rat and scurried beneath the door. A moment after, Sirius leaped over the back of the couch and landed on all fours, shaking his big dog’s head.
–You shredded my jeans, didn’t you?†James said, crossing his arms. Sirius put his chin on James’s knee and looked up at him. –Nope,†said James. –Don’t look at me like that.â€
All of their attention turned suddenly back to the bathroom door as Peter wiggled out from under it. The rat stood on his hind legs and looked at them. –Is he transforming?†James asked, and Peter gave a very un-ratlike nod of the head, and didn’t change back.
The scuffling sounds stopped abruptly; Sirius pricked his ears forward, and Peter ran straight up the side of the wall to crouch on the hearth above the fireplace, his tail whipping back and forth. –He’s never this quiet when he transforms,†James said softly.
–Is that a good sign, then?†Lily asked, and James looked at her.
–I hope so.â€
The doorknob turned.
–Whoah,†James said, jumping to his feet and pulling out his wand. Behind him, Lily rose as well, and Sirius took several steps towards the door, his ears flat to his head and the hair on the back of his neck raised. He glanced back over his shoulder at James.
–He wouldn’t know to do that,†James said, –if he didn’t have his own mind. Right?â€
Sirius growled, and the door opened.
James adjusted his grip on his wand, stepping instinctively in front of Lily. But the werewolf did not come bursting through. Instead he stepped quietly, almost timidly, his head lowered and his tail tucked between his legs.
James had seen Remus transformed plenty of times, but never like this: always, before, he had been a thing of wildness, of claws and snarls and hackles. This werewolf seemed smaller--larger still, of course, than a normal wolf, but almost meek. Sirius stalked towards him, his teeth bared in a snarl, and Remus crouched down, his head between his forepaws.
Behind him, James heard Lily exhale, and registered that this was the first time she’d ever seen Remus like this. She’s seen everyone transformed now except for me, he thought, and almost laughed.
–I think it’s really worked,†he said quietly instead, but at the sound of his voice, Remus’s head snapped towards him and Lily and he rose lithely to his feet and leapt towards them.
–Sirius!†James shouted, jumping onto the couch and raising his wand, and Sirius scrambled towards them, but then James felt Lily’s hand on his elbow.
–Wait!†she said, and he paused.
Remus had stopped a few feet from them, his whole body quivering. His eyes were on Lily as he stretched his forepaws out in front of himself and lowered his head, sinking into a wolfish bow. Lily smiled, and took a few steps towards him. James bit back the warning he wanted to shout, and Sirius shuffled on his paws but remained still.
–Hi, Remus,†Lily said quietly, and tentatively, the wolf wagged his tail.
Sirius barked happily and trotted over, biting one of Remus’s ears. Remus grumbled at him, then sat, tilted his head back, and let out a low, piercing howl that James felt all the way down to his bones. Laughing, he sidestepped the two of them and scooped a still-quivering Peter off the hearth, sticking him in his shirt pocket.
He kept his wand in his hand, still having trouble believing that the savage wolf he saw every month could be this calm, could have this much of Remus in him, but he gingerly returned to his seat on the couch. Lily came curled up against him, and he put an arm around her while Sirius, like a puppy, pounced on the tufted tip of Remus’s tail.
Remus turned his head and gave James a pained, sorrowful look that was so familiar James couldn’t help but to laugh again. He looked around the room and felt a sharp, sudden rush of joy, that they were all there, together, and stronger for it. –Welcome back, Moony,†he said.
Again and Again by Willow Rosenberg
Author's Notes:
"I like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
E.E. Cummings, "i like my body."
-------------------------------------
In the days before Christmas, the cold did little to keep holiday shoppers indoors, although it was not without some haste that they scurried between the doorways that were flung higgledy-piggledy across Diagon Alley. For James, however, the cold was secondary--his years of Quidditch meant he was used to enduring extreme weather when there was something more important to concentrate on. And, standing motionless in front of a wide shop window, staring wide-eyed through the glass, he certainly had something more important to concentrate on now.
–It’s beautiful,†he breathed, edging forward, his nose nearly touching the glass. –Just look at it.â€
Several feet behind him, Lily fidgeted, burrowing deeper into her robes.
–I mean it,†James declared. –I think it’s the most perfect thing I’ve ever seen.â€
–So you’ve mentioned,†Lily said sourly.
–I want it,†James said definitively. –I’m going in.â€
Lily said nothing, one eyebrow raised.
A beat later, James sighed. –No, no, I don’t need it, it’s sure to cost a fortune and just because I have the money doesn’t mean I need to use it, especially since I really don’t need this…I mean…I have one already it’s just…†He sighed, his breath clouding in front of him in the winter air. Then he looked over his shoulder at Lily. –What do you think?â€
She took a few steps closer to him and pressed, shivering, into his side. –I,†she said, –think that it is very cold, and we have been standing here for twenty minutes looking at a broomstick.â€
James winced and turned towards her, putting both his arms around her. –Sorry,†he said. –I get a little carried away.â€
–I’m aware,†she said dryly.
He paused for another moment and then said, –But it’s a Nimbus 1001, and it’s only just been released, it’s the fastest racing broom yet, Lily…over a hundred miles per hour, can you imagine that on the Quidditch pitch…â€
She groaned loudly into his chest and pulled the edges of his cloak around herself. –If you’re going to keep debating this, can we at least go inside the store?â€
James shook his head emphatically. –No!†he said. –Because then I’ll probably buy it!â€
–I give up trying to follow your logic,†Lily informed him, and he had just opened his mouth, possibly in another attempt to explain, when they heard a familiar voice behind him.
–Oi! What’re you two doing out here?â€
–Padfoot!†James said, whirling around so frantically that Lily, tangled up in his cloak, nearly fell over. –Come look at the new Nimbus!â€
Sirius trudged towards them, his hands in his pockets, Peter trotting behind him. He squinted at the window for a moment, then said, –Looks nice. Who fancies a drink?â€
–I think I love you,†Lily said to him. –Rescue me, please.â€
Sirius grinned. –How long have you been standing here?†he asked.
–Not that long,†James said dismissively while, at the same time, Lily moaned, –Forever.â€
–Come on, now,†Sirius chided Lily. –He obviously wants the broomstick. You have to go buy it for him.â€
Lily eyed him. –I do, do I?†she said.
–Yep,†Sirius said. –Because you are on a date. And that is what people on dates do.â€
–Man’s got a point,†James said solemnly.
–For example,†Sirius continued, –Wormtail and I are, at this moment, on a date. And he has promised to buy me anything I want.â€
Peter, whose teeth were starting to chatter somewhat violently, looked rather startled. –Um,†he said, –well, I only have a Sickle with me but I suppose…â€
James laughed. –Oh, Wormtail,†he said, shaking his head. –If you haven’t learned to ignore him by now, when will you?â€
–Well, it’s hard!†Peter grumbled. –Sometimes he really is being serious, it’s so hard to tell.â€
–I’m always serious,†Sirius yawned. –And right now, Prongs, it is seriously cold out here, and Moony’s working at the Leaky Cauldron, so I suggest we relocate.â€
Lily nodded. –Marlene’s there too,†she said. James cast one last, longing look at the broomstick, and Lily rolled her eyes and tugged on his arm. –Come on, you lump,†she said. –I’m sure it will still be there in the spring.â€
James brightened. –Just in time for my birthday!†he said.
–Or,†Sirius suggested as they started off down Diagon Alley, –you can just wait a few months longer and they’ll be sure to release an even newer one.â€
–What do you even need a broomstick for anyway?†Peter piped up. –It’s not like you’re on a Quidditch team anymore…Ow!â€
Sirius, who had just hit him over the head, said calmly, –Well, you never know, do you?â€
–Precisely,†James nodded.
–And in the meantime,†Lily said, –if you’re so desperate to spend your money, you can buy me a drink. Because I’m starting to feel a little jealous of that broomstick, and I’m going to need some reassurance.â€
James laughed. –Deal,†he said.
The Leaky Cauldron, when they pushed into it, was surprisingly crowded for the early afternoon, although considering the cold, James supposed it made sense. He caught sight of Remus cleaning out a glass behind the bar, and then saw the broad figures of Gideon and Fabian Prewett waving at them.
–Hey,†he nodded, –over there.â€
Sirius followed his gaze, and groaned. –Ugh,†he said, and muttered angrily about Gideon Prewett under his breath.
–Sorry, Padfoot,†James said. –Not a lot of options.â€
–I suppose I’ll live,†Sirius muttered, but even so, he seated himself pointedly a few seats down the bar from everyone else.
–Is this really wise?†Lily said in an undertone to James as they sat. –All of us together like this?â€
Gideon, who was siting to her right, overheard her and looked over. –Not as a general rule,†he said, –but in this case, it’s all right. It isn’t suspicious for us to all be together. No one would be surprised to see you all come in together, especially with Remus working, and Fab and I have known Marlene for years--â€
–--and I live with Marlene, so that makes sense as well,†Lily finished. –Got it.â€
–If Moody were here,†Gideon said, –then we’d have a problem.â€
–In more ways than one,†Peter muttered with a twitch.
A moment later, Remus had slid down the bar towards them with a grin, leaning onto his forearms. –So,†he said. –What’re you having?â€
–I thought you were a busboy,†Peter said.
Remus raised an eyebrow and brushed an imaginary fleck of dust from his shoulders. –I’ve been upgraded,†he said loftily.
–He’s trusted to work the bar now,†Marlene said as she breezed by.
–I practically run the whole place,†Remus told them, a smile playing at the corners of his lips.
James, uncharacteristically quiet, watched him during this whole exchange, feeling oddly proud. He was used to seeing Remus like this, of course, but it was unusual for his friend’s confidence to make an appearance among the greater public, and James was glad it had.
He was suddenly of someone pushing into him from behind, and rotated slightly only to find himself faced with Will McKinnon’s back. The older McKinnon had inserted himself between James and Lily, and was leaning across the bar to talk to his sister. Peering around Will’s admittedly broad shoulders, James caught a glimpse of Lily leaning away looking irritated, and he grinned.
For the moment he was, as he had been very few times before in his life, content to play the observer. He leaned back in his seat, gazing around the dingy room. Groups of people were scattered around the pub’s rickety tables, many clutching drinks in still-gloved hands--or, as in the case of one particularly ambitious-looking hag, clutching several. Along the bar, things were starting to get a little lively; a group of pink-faced girls had come in from the cold, and Gideon Prewett had made room for them enthusiastically. Peter, who had, fortunately or otherwise, ended up in the seat beside him looked a little alarmed, but James thought privately that the social stimulation would do him well. He was rather more surprised to see that Fabian Prewett had shifted several seats down and was now deep in conversation with Sirius. James had rather thought that Sirius’s dislike of Gideon would have included Fabian, in much the way that people who disliked Sirius tended to dislike James (and vice versa) just on the sheer basis of their closeness. But Sirius was nodding, focusing on Fabian with little animosity. Curiously, James resolved to ask him about it later.
He looked back around to Lily, only to find that she appeared to have given up on ignoring Will McKinnon, although her scowl was still firmly in place. James paused, eavesdropping on what appeared to be a heated debate.
–I’m just saying, gold’s clearly the best choice,†Will shrugged. –It’s faster, it’s easier. It’s just the most efficient.â€
–And I’m just saying,†Lily volleyed back bitingly, –it’s more nuanced than that. Sometimes slower gives you better results. Anyone who thinks speed is more important than the chemistry of the thing clearly isn’t that good a Potion-maker.â€
James bit back a laugh as he returned to his drink. The whole thing felt to him like one large Quidditch match; he had Lily and Will on one side and Sirius and Fabian on the other chasing down heated conversation threads just as surely as he’d ever flown after the Quaffle. On the other side of the bar, Remus and Marlene were darting frantically back and forth like a pair of Keepers, refilling drinks and fielding orders, and James knew from experience that the drinks themselves could pack as much of a punch as any Bludger.
And then there were the Seekers--far, far more than in any real Quidditch game, but there undeniably. People like Gideon and the girl he was talking to now, people who circled each other, searching for that fleeting, ineffable thing, that telltale touch of gold.
It hadn’t escaped his attention that this was much like the way Will McKinnon circled Lily, and while it did nothing to endear him to Will, he wasn’t particularly worried. And besides, he thought wryly, he had to admire the bloke’s taste in women.
He’d never been overly fond of Seekers, in Quidditch or otherwise. But then, he thought, almost guiltily, as he gazed around the bar, maybe he just couldn’t understand them. After all, he already had what they wanted.
–Knut for your thoughts?â€
James looked up to see Remus standing in front of him on the other side of the bar, his hands braced against the wood surface. James raised an eyebrow at him. –No way,†he said. –My thoughts are worth Sickles, at least.â€
Remus laughed. –Well, then,†he said. –How about you get another drink and I’ll tell you mine.â€
–Deal,†James said. –Are they Butterbeer thoughts or Firewhiskey thoughts?â€
–They might be both,†Remus admitted, pushing a glass down the bar towards him. James took a long drag from his glass and waited as Remus looked thoughtfully off across the room.
Eventually, he turned his attention back to James and asked abruptly, –What are you doing for Christmas?â€
–Christmas?†James asked, startled. Despite the weather, despite the shoppers, despite the holiday decorations and the carols, he hadn’t given the approaching holiday much thought. Perhaps it had just slipped his mind, but he liked it better that way; after all, this was the first Christmas that would end without him going back to Hogwarts. His first Christmas--he’d tried so hard not to think it--as an orphan.
–Hadn’t thought,†he said to Remus after a barely perceptible pause. –Why?â€
Remus shrugged. –I don’t know,†he said. –I just thought…you know, except for Peter, we’re all on our own now, maybe we could do something.â€
James studied his friend, feeling suddenly guilty for the meager thoughts he’d spared. Remus’s situation may have improved, now that he was out of his parents’ cold and silent home, but he couldn’t be much better, living in that damp, dark room above the bar.
–Yeah,†he said slowly, warming to the idea as he pondered. –Yeah, we could do that, Sirius and I have plenty of room…can’t cook worth a damn, of course, but between us I’m sure we could whip something up, you know--â€
–You’re being daft, you know.â€
Remus and James turned in surprise as Will McKinnon addressed them.
–Excuse me?†they said in tandem, and Will laughed.
–Eavesdropping?†James asked. Will appeared to have finished arguing with Lily, who had leaned across the bar to talk to Marlene.
Will shrugged. –I got bored,†he said shamelessly. –Anyway, just come round to our place for Christmas. It’s not like we don’t have the space, and the more the merrier.â€
James and Remus exchanged startled glances. Behind Will, Lily raised an eyebrow in surprise, while Marlene chimed in, –Of course you should be there! I’m embarrassed for not asking sooner, but I didn’t think.â€
–We’ve got a world class cook in the house,†Will added.
–Your mum?†James said.
–Nah,†Will shook his head. –Mum’s the Potion maker. Dad’s the chef.â€
–It’ll be strange if you don’t come,†Marlene put in. –Mum and Dad aren’t used to having the house as empty as it is right now.â€
James studied Will for a minute--proud, handsome Will. He had no doubt that, if Remus’s condition became public knowledge, Will would be one of the first to balk, but he had a touch of Marlene’s kindness in him as well. He was looking at them openly, no trace of deception or ulterior motive.
–Well,†James said hesitantly, looking back and forth between Remus and Lily, both of whom were blinking at him unhelpfully. –I suppose we could do that.â€
---
–Remind me again how we got roped into this?†Sirius said as they slogged through snowdrifts the few feet to the McKinnon’s doorstep from where they had Apparated. –And why didn’t we just Floo in as usual?â€
–We were invited,†James said patiently. –You were too busy having a mysterious chat with Fabian Prewett to be involved, so I RSVP’d for you. And we’re guests. It’s more polite to knock on the door than just appear in their kitchen, what if they aren’t ready for us?â€
–I told you I’d tell you about Fabian later,†Sirius rolled his eyes. –By ‘later’ I didn’t mean during a snowstorm on Christmas Eve outside the McKinnon’s house.†He hoisted his bag over his shoulder with a groan.
–What’s in there?†James asked.
–Presents,†Sirius said owlishly.
–Hurry up,†Lily called from the McKinnon’s porch where she and Remus were standing. –It’s cold.â€
It was just the four of them tonight, as Peter had promised his mother he’d spend Christmas Eve with her. And all four of them, although none had said it in so many words, were feeling acutely uncomfortable and out of place, to be intruding on the McKinnon’s family Christmas like this. Lily had gone as far to wonder if they had been invited out of pity, the family-less children of the Order. But then, she thought, looking around at them, they were each other’s family.
And then Marlene was answering the door and ushering them all inside with such infectious brightness that none of them could remember why they’d been so worried at all.
Christmas Eve dinner was a quiet affair, much more of a relaxed family gathering than Order meetings at the McKinnon’s usually were. Not long after dinner, Marlene and Will’s parents retreated to their bedroom (–I’ve got to be asleep before Santa comes!†Freya had said with a wink) and left –the young people†to themselves. No sooner had the bedroom door clicked shut behind them than Will and Marlene exchanged had mischievous glances, leapt to their feet, and dashed into the kitchen.
The rest of them were sitting in the living room, which was across the hall from the kitchen, in front of a gently crackling fire. They barely had time to look at each other quizzically before the siblings were back, Will holding a large treacle tart, Marlene several bottles of spiced mead.
–What,†Lily laughed, –are you doing?â€
–It’s tradition,†Marlene explained, sinking down next to her--the McKinnon’s possessed a perfectly good couch, but they were all sprawled on the floor in front of the fireplace.
–What’s tradition?†Sirius asked, eyeing the tart in Will’s hands.
–Our raiding the kitchen after Mum and Dad have gone to bed,†Marlene said. –We’ve been doing it since we were kids. There’s always an extra dessert tucked somewhere.â€
–Have you been stealing mead since you were small then, too?†Remus asked, more curiously than sarcastically.
–Well, no,†Marlene smiled. –That was a more recent development. But there’s always an extra bottle of that somewhere, too.â€
–Took us an embarrassingly long time to figure out that the parents knew all about it,†Will said, grinning. –We thought we were very clever, but turns out we can’t get anything past them.â€
James laughed. –Oh, yeah,†he said, with only a touch of asperity. –I remember that feeling.â€
Sirius looked at him sharply, his brow furrowed worriedly, but James was still James, leaning back onto his elbows, the firelight playing on his face. Lily, though, was staring out the window, her face suddenly still. In the glow from the fireplace, her hair looked almost gold. A few feet away, leaning against the couch, Remus too was quiet.
Sirius decided it was time for him to take charge.
–Well?†he said to Marlene. –What are we waiting for? Crack it open!â€
Then he bounded to his feet and ran out of the room.
–Oi!†James called after him. –Where are you going?â€
A moment later, Sirius came lumbering back around the corner, clutching the bag James had asked him about earlier.
–I’m getting my presents!†he said, sitting down with a thump and accept the glass of mead Marlene held out to him. –I decided that I don’t want to wait until tomorrow. Besides, I got everyone the same thing so maybe it’s best to do this in waves.â€
–When you say everyone…†Remus asked, raising an eyebrow.
–I mean,†Sirius said, –everyone in the Order.â€
–I didn’t get everyone a present,†Remus muttered a little worriedly.
–Nobody did,†Marlene said, rolling her eyes.
–Well, I had to,†Sirius said. –Because…voila!†And he whipped from his bag a black t-shirt, the front of which was emblazoned with a golden design of a bird in flight. He held it out in front of himself proudly, while the rest of them looked on.
–Huh,†Lily said, tilting her head. –Is that…?â€
–A phoenix?†Remus finished for her.
Sirius looked at them scathingly. –Duh,†he said.
–Why?†asked Will.
Undaunted, Sirius said cheerfully, –It’s Muggle Incognito!â€
–I like it,†James declared. –It’s like we’re a secret society or something.â€
–We are a secret society,†Marlene pointed out, but she was laughing. –But I like it too. It’s cool-looking, at the very least. Give me one!â€
–Thank you,†Sirius said, with a mock little bow in her direction, and he tossed her a shirt. Lily, to his satisfaction, immediately put hers on over her sweater. Living in London as most of them were, they’d all taken to wearing Muggle clothes recently, and Lily grabbed the hem of the shirt and pulled it out, studying it.
–You know,†she said thoughtfully, looking down at the phoenix across her chest, –it’s actually an interesting idea. I mean, to Muggles, it just looks like another t-shirt, but I don’t know, if we were ever recruiting or something…â€
–I know,†Sirius said. –I’m brilliant.â€
–Did you really get one for everyone?†Remus asked again.
–Yes, Moony, yes,†Sirius said, reaching over to shake him by the shoulders. –We’ve been over this.â€
–No, I know,†Remus said. –I’m just trying to picture Moody putting one on, that’s all.â€
They all got a good laugh out of that image, and the easy conversation carried them through into the night, the fire burning down behind them and the glass of mead slowly emptying. After a while, Lily noticed that they’d somehow managed to polish off the entire tart, and she rose to take the empty platter back into the kitchen. She’d only meant to set it in the sink and rejoin everyone else, but to her vast displeasure, Will had followed her into the kitchen, carrying a set of empty glasses.
Smiling tightly, she tried to sidestep him, but he blocked her way ever so slightly.
–Fun Christmas gift, eh?†he said, gesturing at the t-shirt she was still wearing.
–Yeah,†she said, –well--â€
–Speaking of Christmas gifts,†he said, drawing a small book from his pocket, –I got you one.â€
Lily folded her arms and looked at him. –Will,†she said, –why would you get me a Christmas gift?â€
He shrugged. –I didn’t mean to,†he said. –But I was talking to Marlene the other day, and you know how she’s got that weird fixation with Muggle books…Anyway, I tend to tune out when she talks about them, but she was telling me about this one, and I just, I don’t know. I wanted to give it to you.â€
Will was acting strange--shy and quiet when he was usually all stutter and panache. He held the book towards her almost timidly, his eyes wide.
Not buying it for a second, Lily just looked at him. She made no move to take the book.
–It’s a book of love poetry, actually,†he said, running a hand through his hair almost embarrassedly.
–And you just thought it would be a good idea to give me love poems for Christmas?†Lily asked. –Please.†And she brushed past him into the living room, her head buzzing.
Will followed her in a short while later, still carrying the book. She pretended not to watch as he very pointedly set it down on a table beside the couch, and sat down again beside Marlene. Lily looked away from him, but she couldn’t focus. She was acutely aware of James sitting beside her, but she could feel Will watching her from the other side of the room, and it made her uncomfortable.
I’ll handle it, she thought. Not that I really know what it is, but I’ll handle it.. To her relief, however, everyone else seemed to be tiring fast, and eventually, yawning, they all started to trickle off to bed--Remus fell asleep on the floor in front of the fire, and had to be roused several times. –I’ll take him up to bed,†James said, prodding him until he stood. –Might as well tuck in myself.†And he kissed the top of Lily’s head, elbowed Sirius in the ribs, and trundled off. Eventually, Sirius stretched his arms over his head, his energy dissipating, and headed off after them, leaving Lily alone with Marlene and Will.
Marlene was beginning to look rather tired as well, and Lily, though strangely awake, had no desire to be left alone with Will, and hopped to her feet the second Marlene stood.
–Bedtime for you as well?†Marlene asked, and when Lily nodded, Marlene smiled softly and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. –Happy Christmas!†she said, yawning. She trundled off, and Lily, not wanting to be left alone with Will, hastily followed.
The house, usually stuffed full of Order members, was unusually empty, and Lily felt unnerved. She’d stayed overnight before, of course, but she’d never had a room to herself--normally she was stuffed in with Alice or Marlene, or sometimes both. The space, empty as it was now, felt like too much for her to fill.
She slid the phoenix t-shirt over her head and folded it mechanically, her hands brushing out the wrinkles, but, wide-awake as she was, made no move to change into her pajamas. She sat down on the edge of the bed and then stood up again, pacing up and down the floor of the room. She wasn’t sure why she was quite so anxious--she’d never been able to sleep well on Christmas Eve, of course, but she had a feeling that this restlessness had more to do with Will McKinnon and the pit that had been growing in her stomach since he’d cornered her in the greenhouse. She hadn’t told James about it, not really, nor about the way Will unsettled her, and she felt guilty about that as well, but the time had just never seemed right…
Sighing, she flopped backwards on the bed, wishing she had thought to bring something to read--normally, a book could help settle her mind, and ever since she’d started living with Marlene there’d been plenty of them around. But thinking about Marlene naturally led to thoughts about Will…and then she remembered the book.
She sat up again, wondering if the fact that the book was a gift from Will would negate any soothing effects it might otherwise have. Then she sighed and shrugged. Worth a shot, she thought, and slipped from her empty room.
It was strange, she mused as she tiptoed down the stairs, how difficult it was to navigate in an unfamiliar house in the dark. She’d snuck through her own house plenty of times before, and the darkened halls of Hogwarts more than once, but she’d known those turns backwards and blind, barely needing a hand on the wall as a guide. But the McKinnon’s house was large and tangled, even more so in the dark. Here, she clutched the railings and balanced herself against both walls, moving slowly, not wanting to knock into anything or make any noise. But finally, after what seemed like far too long, she reached the end of the corridor that separated the kitchen from the sitting room.
The room was still warm from the fire that had since burned down, a few embers glowing in the dark. Squinting, she could just make out the shape of the book on the table where Will had left it, and she crept forward. She had just reached out a hand to touch the spine when a voice behind her said, –I knew it.â€
Lily jumped so violently that she hit the table, which rattled. She reached out a hand to steady it and turned around just as Will rose from the couch behind her and switched on a lamp. It lit the room softly, casting his face into shadow as he walked towards her, but she could see that he was grinning. –I knew it,†he said again.
–Knew what?†she asked irritably, her heart still racing from the shock. –That you could sit here in the dark and terrify the first person to walk through the door? Is that how you get your kicks?â€
He stopped just in front of her, and she realized she had taken several involuntary steps backwards until the small of her back was pressed up against the table. –No,†he said. –I knew you’d come down here.â€
She rolled her eyes. –How on earth would you know that?†she said. –I just couldn’t sleep and thought I’d come find something to read…it has nothing to do with…â€
–Oh, of course it does, Lily,†Will said, shaking his hair out of his eyes as he looked down at her. All traces of the shy, sensitive boy from earlier were gone. –Look, I know you feel it. You’re attracted to me, I’m attracted to you. There’s no reason we shouldn’t do something about it.â€
–I am not,†she said indignantly. –And even if I was, there are actually several reasons why--â€
But Will had waved a hand, interrupting her--not for the first time, she realized, still annoyed. –I know, I know,†he said, in a patronizing tone that annoyed her even more than the wave. –It’s a surprise, you don’t want to admit it. But I can see that I’m just going to have to prove it to you.â€
And before she could ask him what, exactly, he meant by that, he had cupped her face in both his hands and brought his mouth against hers.
---
Though he had been among the first to leave for bed, James was lying awake in the room he was sharing with Remus. He’d thought he was tired--he’d certainly rolled his friend into his own bed without protest--but now, however much time later, he was still awake, staring at the ceiling. Sighing, he flipped over onto his side, and then back again, but it did no good.
Maybe I’m hungry, he thought, tossing back the covers. Or something like that. And it was in this mindset that he stood up and began to meander down to the kitchen.
He was in half a mind to wake Sirius up to join him, in honor of their days sneaking into the Hogwarts kitchens, but decided against it due to the fact that he was not quite sure which room Sirius was sleeping in, and he had no desire to go wandering into Mr. and Mrs. McKinnon’s bedroom in the dead of night. So it was alone that he felt his way down the stairs and towards the kitchen.
He was surprised to see a light still on in the sitting room--he thought he’d heard everyone come up to bed--and more surprised still to hear voices from the room. Curious, he snuck towards the door, peering around it just as the voices suddenly stopped. A moment later, he comprehended what, exactly, he was seeing, and his jaw dropped.
---
Lily was so startled by this sudden turn of events that for a moment she simply stood still, her hands at her sides. Will seemed to take her lack of resistance as compliance, his hands moving to grip her shoulders. But it was not until she felt his tongue flick against her lips--which were firmly closed--that she finally came to her senses long enough to wrench her face away from his and shove him away from her with both hands.
–What the hell are you doing?†she asked furiously.
–I should have thought it was obvious,†he said, smiling lazily at her. –Surely you’ve been kissed before?â€
–And what, exactly, did you think gave you the right to try and kiss me?†she asked, ignoring this and folding her arms.
–Come on, Lily,†he said, taking several slinking steps toward her until she held out her hand to stop him. Undeterred, he flipped his hair out of his eyes and said, –You know there’s something between us. It’s--â€
Lily groaned. –Oh, don’t give me that,†she said. –Please, how often have you used that line?â€
–I--†he faltered for a moment, and she seized her chance, railroading over him.
–It’s clearly worked for you one too many times or you wouldn’t be peddling it now.†She shook her head and stuck a finger out towards him. –Here is all you need to know about me, Will McKinnon. We may be on the same side here, but that does not mean I am yours for the taking. And even if I was at all interested, it would take more than a few cheap lines. If you doubt that, you can ask my boyfriend.â€
Will, whose face had been growing sourer with each word she spoke, scoffed. –James?†he said. –Please. You two won’t last. That’s just…schoolchild infatuation. It’s not real.â€
–You know, surprisingly, I don’t care what your opinions on my relationship are,†Lily told him. –I just expect you to respect that I have one.â€
He seemed to have nothing to say to this, and so she seized her chance to shoulder past him and stride into the corridor. She didn’t think he was in any mind to follow her, but just to be safe, she ducked into the kitchen, hiding just around the door until she heard his footsteps disappearing up the stairs.
Sighing, she relaxed for a second, sagging against the wall. Her heart was pounding from the adrenaline, and she was no more tired than she had been twenty minutes ago. Now what, she thought irritably, and was just about to head back up to her own room when she heard a low whistle behind her, and nearly leapt out of her skin.
–So,†came James’s voice. –Interesting night?â€
She whirled to see him sitting on the kitchen table, his legs dangling off the edge. She wasn’t close enough to see his face in the dim room, but his voice was cold.
–How long have you been down here?†she asked.
–Long enough to see you and Will getting cozy,†he said flatly.
–Well if you had stuck around,†Lily began heatedly, –you’d know that I had absolutely no desire for that to happen, and I’ve already told him off, and--why are you laughing?â€
For James had doubled over, shaking with suppressed mirth. –I’m sorry,†he wheezed, –I wanted to give you a hard time, but I just…can’t…keep a straight face. Of course I stayed, you know me, I heard the whole thing. I was in half a mind to go in there and slug him, but you took care of it just fine.â€
Lily marched over to stand in front of him as he recovered his composure. –You ass,†she said, smacking him lightly in the arm. –You had me worried for a second there.â€
–Don’t worry,†he said, reaching up to smooth her hair away from her face. –I knew he didn’t have a chance.†His hand rested along her face in the exact same place that Will’s had just a few minutes earlier, but it was an infinitely different touch, and she closed her eyes.
–Tomorrow morning’s going to be interesting though, eh?†he added, and she groaned, tilting forward until her face collided with his chest.
–Don’t even,†she said into his sweater. –It’s going to be so awkward. Maybe we should just escape now.â€
–Right now?†he teased. –Out the window?â€
–I don’t have my wand on me,†she said solemnly. –We’d have to walk.â€
–We could be in London by dawn,†he said.
She laughed, straightening up. –Of next week,†she said. –You have no concept of how long it takes Muggles to get places, do you?â€
–Nope,†he said cheerfully.
She smiled. –Oh well,†she said. –I guess we’ll have to tough it out.â€
–There are a lot of us,†he said. –It’ll be okay.â€
She frowned. –You know what isn’t, though?†she asked, and he tilted his head quizzically. –That Will McKinnon is the last boy I kissed.â€
–Stop it,†James groaned, sliding a hand around her neck. She leaned into him, tilting her face up to meet his, but just as their noses brushed, she murmured, –He was wrong, though, wasn’t he?â€
–About what?†James asked huskily.
–You and me,†she said, spreading her fingers across his chest until she could feel his heart beat beneath her palms. –It’s not just…puppy love, is it?â€
–No,†he breathed. –No, it’s not.†And then his mouth was hot and searching over hers, and she had twisted both her arms around his neck, pressing against him as his mouth moved from her mouth to her jaw to her neck and back again.
She slid forward, pooling onto his lap, one bent knee on either side of his hips. Her hands reached for the hem of his sweater and she pushed it up, feeling the muscles of his abdomen contract beneath her fingers as he raised his own hands to fumble with the buttons on her cardigan.
This was uncharted territory for them, despite all they’d been through together--Hogwarts, with its enchanted dorms and hallways full of students had left little opportunities for privacy, and they’d gotten together so late in their school days that they’d hardly had ample opportunity to explore every dark corner and empty classroom. And then with graduation had come her parents’ death and his parents’ illnesses, and everything, everything had been put on hold.
Later, Lily would wonder about these moments, about the ease and haste with which they scrambled out of their clothing, trying almost desperately to be as close to each other as possible. It would come back to her in flashes--James pulling the sweater from her shoulders, his mouth on her collarbone, the warm, bare skin of his chest against her hands, and then against her own chest, nothing between them but skin.
So fast--and, looking back, Lily couldn’t help but wonder how much farther it would have gone, how much more carried away they would have become. However tentatively, she had already been fumbling with the buckle on James’s belt when Sirius shuffled into the kitchen for a glass of water. Lily let out a small yelp as they heard his footsteps, and James twisted around to see who it was. Surprised and tangled up in each other, they lost their balance and fell off the edge of the table.
–Ow,†hissed James, laughing silently, as Lily scrambled for her discarded cardigan, pulling it up to her chest. James grabbed her by the wrist and tugged her under the table where they sat, knees pulled up to their chins, leaning against each other and shaking with silent laughter.
–Shhh!†Lily said, pressing a finger to her lips, as though by some miracle Sirius might not notice they were there.
For his part, Sirius ignored them, grabbing a glass from the McKinnon’s cupboard and running the sink. Then he turned to walk out of the room. As he reached the threshold, he stopped and with his back to them, said firmly, –Let’s just pretend I dreamed this, shall we?†and departed.
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