(i. it’s oh. so. quiet.)

James and Lily were the only ones of us to fall in love.

Sirius fell in lust more than once. I remember after we graduated Hogwarts we shared a flat. I liked it quiet. I was studying to teach (this was before they died, before laws were passed that made it where I couldn’t. Before.) Sirius wasn’t studying. We were both in the Order, but Sirius was convinced that was all he needed to do. I remember I wanted it quiet and Sirius liked it loud. Or at least, the girls he brought home did. Still, to this day, I remember the girls.

Peter simply fell. When I think back, I remember him as being less than one of us. This wasn’t true. I was--still am--trying to make excuses for why he would betray us like he did. He was one of us. At the beginning, at least. Can’t remember near the end. They all thought I was the traitor, until they all thought Sirius was. It’s hard to remember Peter being a good liar when I think back on it. Hard, really, to remember Peter without trying to figure out why he would do this to us.

It was I, really, who brought us together. Funny, then, that I was the first to tear us apart.

They all thought it was me, the traitor. It wasn’t. But because Peter somehow convinced everyone, including himself, that he was doing the right thing, they chose to alienate me instead. It wasn’t outright. It was Remus we’re busy this weekend why don’t you come by some other time, Remus I’m sorry I forgot about drinks, I forgot to tell you about the Order meeting, I forgot to tell you we were going out to Diagon Alley where I’ve heard there are Death Eaters. They were trying to catch me in some sort of act, only I wasn’t playing a part.

James, Lily and Sirius stood behind me. Peter fluctuated between us. Strange, that people on the same side could have been so divided.

I remember Christmas, 1981. James and Lily were gone, Sirius awaiting trial, Peter believed to be dead. For the first time, I was all alone. What had happened the Christmas of 1980 made it even more unbearable.
I went to Frank’s and Alice’s for Christmas that year. Most of us--the ones that were still here, at least--were there. They tried to make things happy. Neville smiled, ran around, played with the wrapping paper, but really he just reminded us of Harry. We all missed Harry.

Mostly, though, I missed Sirius, and James, and Peter. I didn’t think Sirius had done it. I’d watched Sirius for years, and never once had he and James’ friendship fallen apart even a little. For God’s sake, he lived at James’ house for years. He’d spent his whole life there trying to get away from his family. I didn’t think he had done it, but the question was, who had?

Later, I think maybe there are different reasons than those I had originally cited for thinking that Sirius didn’t do it. Maybe there were reasons that were beyond my beliefs, that I had refused to accept, or maybe there were those that I had yet to discover.

(ii. you're all alone and so peaceful until...)

It was not a tidal wave, the way I discovered that I was in love with Sirius.

It was me, telling him, ‘You’ve got work, yeah?’ It was November, 1980, of course he had work, this was the height of Voldemort’s power.

He’d answer, ‘Don’t have any work. We’re at a bit of a standstill, you know, Remus.’

It wasn’t true. His work was me. He followed me, watched me, made sure I wasn’t actually doing any of the things people claimed I was. I don’t know why they alienated me after it was clear I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Sirius didn’t know, either. ‘I told them it didn’t look like you were the double agent,’ he said. ‘I told them, but by that point they weren’t interested in listening.’

I felt prejudiced against. It might not have been why they suspected me, but I always thought the fact I was a werewolf played a part in it. Odd, that a group so thoroughly against inequality would be so quick to judge me.

I didn’t love Sirius in the way that most people think of love. It wasn’t infatuation, rather, it was me looking at him and thinking, I could spend my life with this man. It didn’t surprise me, really, but it certainly scared me.

I say it didn’t surprise me. It didn’t. Really I had never felt any inclination towards girls, at least not a strong one. That didn’t mean to me, though, that I did feel any inclination towards boys. For the longest time I thought myself entirely asexual. That is, until I moved in with Sirius.

‘Why do you care so much?’ he asked when I told him for the thousandth time to stop it with the girls, it was my flat too.

‘It’s Christmas, for god’s sake, Sirius,’ I told him. ‘James and Lily will be here tomorrow, Peter’s only out at the stores, and either way this isn’t the time.’

‘That’s not what I was asking,’ he said, and I looked at him sideways, not sure what he was asking.

He waited for a second, before saying exasperatedly, ‘You say this every time. Won’t you ever be…you know, quiet about it?’

‘No,’ I said, ‘no, of course not.’ I didn’t elaborate, and Sirius gave me an even odder look.

‘Why not?’ he said.

I didn’t answer.

(iii. you've never been so nuts about a guy)

It was November, 1980. Cold. Mistletoe was everywhere: the Christmas season was coming. I’d never liked mistletoe--still don’t. I don’t think you should have an excuse to kiss someone, but that doesn’t make any sense considering what I’ve done.

I thought about it, and thought about it more, and finally decided that if I wasn’t going to tell Sirius, I might as well tell someone else. I wanted to tell James, but I knew he’d tell Sirius and I didn’t want that to happen. I never even considered telling Peter; I needed advice, and Peter had never been the type to give it to me.
In the end, I told Lily.

‘Goodness, Remus, you’re living with him!’ was the first thing she said, not why, not how, not, the question I had asked myself a thousand times over, what.

‘I know,’ I said.

‘Why would you come to me?’ Lily asked. I didn’t know why. ‘Why not James?’ she added. Her sensibility, her rationality--it seemed so odd, so out of place, in a world that was spinning out of control.

I swallowed. ‘James would tell Sirius,’ I admitted.

‘But for god’s sakes, Remus, he’s James, and you’re…’ She paused. ‘You’re in love with his best friend.’

‘That doesn’t surprise you?’ I asked. Now I was simply looking for a reaction. I wanted Lily to spiral out of control in the same way I was. ‘Doesn’t surprise you, that I’m in love with him?’

She looked mostly exasperated now. ‘Of course it surprises me, Remus. Why wouldn’t it?’

‘But Lily,’ I said, and now I was searching for verbal confirmation that this wasn’t okay, that I wasn’t okay, ‘don’t you care?’

She looked away for a moment. ‘I care about you,’ she said, finally. It wasn’t the reaction I had wanted. I wanted her to say, yes, Remus, of course I care. Mostly, I wanted her to be scared of me. So scared, in fact, that she would have to tell Sirius.

She didn’t, of course. She was Lily and she kept people’s secrets. Better than most of us. She was better than most of us.

To this day, Sirius swears he had no inkling of my feelings for him. I’m not sure I believe him. How else would he have found out?

A month later (Christmastime, Lily and James were on their way to celebrate) I walked in the door of our flat and Sirius was there waiting for me. Before I could even put my keys back in my coat pocket, he stepped forward and kissed me hard on the lips.

I leaned into it, for barely a second, because this was Sirius, this was what I had wanted, and I was doubtful that I really wanted to pull away.

‘What the hell?’ I gasped, looking at him. I think that he was looking for something in my eyes, some semblance of betrayal, but it did not come. He looked torn apart. Broken. I had pulled away because this wasn’t Sirius. Sirius was the one with the girls to hide his pain. The one with the light in his eye even when death was on the horizon. I was the broken one.

He stared at me for a second, and then snapped back to reality. ‘Remus, I’m sorry. I don’t--I don’t know what that was.’

I didn’t answer. I was overcome with shock, and Sirius mistook that for fear. It was fear, in an odd way. It was fear that what I wanted would finally happen, and that it wouldn’t turn out the way I had wanted.
He brushed past me. Tried not to touch me, and certainly didn’t look at me. I almost let him leave before I unstuck my throat. ‘Sirius, wait,’ I said. My voice did not sound like my own. Sirius turned around, and his eyes were full of something like sorrow.

‘Don’t leave,’ I said. I walked closer to him. He was much taller than I was. ‘Stay,’ I continued, ‘and let me figure out exactly what that was.’

Sirius smiled, sadly. Nearly laughed. ‘What are you saying, Remus?’

That was when it hit me, how absolutely ridiculous I was being. How absolutely ridiculous I sounded. I was terrified of what might happen if I told Sirius what I was trying to say.

I did not tell him what I meant. Instead, against what my brain was telling me to do, I reached up to him, and I kissed him back.

There was snow falling outside, and we both knew that James and Lily would get there any minute. It reminded me of some of those old black-and-white films that Sirius had shown me, but instead of being the boy and the girl who finally figured it out at the end, we were two men who had no idea what was going on.

A knock at the door reminded us that this was not what was supposed to happen, and we jumped apart. Sirius opened the door, and there were James and Lily. By that point, the wind was so strong that it was blowing snow into our flat. Lily’s cheeks were pink and there was snow in James’ hair. I don’t know how I recall all this, because the entire time, I was staring at Sirius.

(iv. you blow blow blow blow blow your fuse)

When I came into the flat on Halloween night, 1981, Sirius was sitting there with his head in his hands.
‘Was I wrong?’ he asked, the second I walked in. He was up in a flash, and pinned me against the wall. ‘Was I wrong about you?’ he said again, only it was more of a shout this time.

‘What the hell are you talking about?’

He let go of me all of a sudden, slumped against the table. ‘Remus, it’s Lily and James.’ He was crying now. I had only ever seen Sirius cry a few times in my whole life.

‘My god, Sirius, are they--are they--’ I trailed off. I did not want to finish the sentence. There was a sour taste in my mouth now, a taste of guilt for a crime that I did not commit. I knelt down beside him and touched his shoulder gently; he jerked away.

‘Yes,’ he said.

‘Sirius, do you--do you think it was me?’ My voice sounded crude even to my own ears.

‘I know who it was,’ he said, even though his sudden anger as I entered proved otherwise. ‘I’ve known for months that it wasn’t you, Remus. I just didn’t know who it was, but now ….’

I did not ask him who it was. I should have. It would have solved so much. But then, Sirius was falling apart, so that was hardly my main concern.

‘Have you gone?’ I said. ‘To Godric’s Hollow?’

Sirius jerked his head in affirmation. ‘Hagrid was there. Said he was taking Harry to live with Lily’s awful sister.’

He looked as if there was something else to say. ‘I gave him my motorcycle,’ he added finally. ‘Told him I didn’t need it anymore.’

There was a horrible silence, in which I considered kissing him but decided against it. I wish I had done something differently, anything--perhaps it would have changed the outcome.

Sirius stood all of a sudden. ‘I’ve got to go,’ he said. ‘Chase them down.’ I did not combat this, perhaps because I did not know who he would be chasing down.

‘Wait,’ I said, and reached up to him, kissing him softly. ‘For luck.’

For luck.

That pains me, still.

Sirius smiled grimly and left, and even today, it is hard to grasp the concept that was the last time I would see Sirius Black for twelve years.

After the door slammed, I sat down at the kitchen table and allowed the numbness I was feeling to fade, allowed myself to cry, and wondered how a childhood friendship could have come to this.

Everything had gone terribly wrong, and I found myself blaming myself, perhaps because I was the only one left at the end of it.

(v. so what’s the use of falling in love)

I had the shortest of times with Sirius when we were both fully-fledged adults. Even then it was not romantic. It was an unspoken agreement that we had moved on, that there was no need for Things Like That around the house, yet I could not stop staring at him. Love is awful in that way.

Once, and only once, he approached me. There was no one else in the house, and against the tapestry, he began to kiss me in the way I had not been kissed in twelve years, until the door opened, an umbrella stand was knocked over, and we jumped apart.

And just like that he was gone all over again, except this time it was forever. I pretended that this was okay, that I was okay, but in all reality I was falling apart all over again. Because this time, I was really, truly alone, and I had nearly convinced myself that I wouldn’t be.

Tonks was in love with me. Nobody ever asked my opinion, that maybe I wasn’t in love with Tonks, that maybe I might not fall for any woman, ever, but somehow we ended up married and Tonks was pregnant and I didn’t know how any of it had happened.

I did not want to be with Tonks. Of course I grew to love her, in some odd way, but there was really only one person that I wanted to be with, and that person had long since left me.

But then, of course, the Battle of Hogwarts came and although he was gone, it felt like Sirius was standing directly beside me. And then, the next thing I knew, I turned around and saw that he’d been there, waiting for me, the entire time.