She haunts me in my dreams.

There is no way back now. Not even my magic can do this. She ripped my world apart and my heart shattered. Nothing was left. She stole it all. She did this to me. He did this to me. I did this to me.

---

She was there when I saw Hogwarts for the first time. I was sat in an empty compartment, staring out of the window, dreaming about my new home. She slid open the door and timidly asked if she could sit with me. I obliged. She offered me some food, which I accepted graciously but didn’t eat.

She said her name was Eliza Kerr. Her parents were both wizards, but her grandfather had been a Muggle-Born. She spoke about her family with love and pride. Her dark eyes danced merrily as she spoke of shopping in Diagon Alley and poring over her textbooks before she had arrived. I hadn’t said much when she asked me about my family. I told her simply that my parents were dead. We didn’t speak after that, but it didn’t matter. I was transfixed by her.

We departed the train silently and headed straight towards the man calling, “First Years! All First Years this way please!� His voice was clear and shrill. The voice belonged to Professor Kettleburn, a large man with wild hair and a wild look to match. We followed him a way down to the moat. I remember clambering into that little boat with her and a couple of boys who sat silently.

The boats rollicked gently across the black waves, away from the bank. The castle seemed to rise majestically out of the lake before us. It was mesmerising. I felt pride and hope that I had never felt before.

Our eyes met in the semi-darkness and she smiled at me. Her smile was lopsided and shy. I smiled back.

Reaching the opposite bank, we were met by Professor Dumbledore. He looked as gentle as he had at the orphanage, but his half-moon glasses did not completely hide the bags beneath his eyes. As he swung open the vast oaken doors the muffled noise inside subsided, and all eyes turned to settle upon us, unblinking, as we entered.

A collective gasp issued from our group. The hall was bigger than any room I had ever been in. The walls were decorated with ornate carvings. The ceiling, charmed to resemble the sky, was stunning. Everything looked beautiful, but I was nervous.

Professor Dumbledore was holding a scroll and a hat. He placed the hat on a chair. A rip in the brim opened wide as the hat started to sing:

“Four friends, one thousand years ago,
With body, mind and heart,
Did found a school of wizardry,
For knowledge to impart.
‘Our school should teach the able,
Those of vision and of wisdom,’
Spoke Ravenclaw the comely
Of knowledge and acumen.
‘Our school should teach the children
Of pure wizard ancestry,’
Spoke Salazar with shrewdness
And without apology.
‘Our school should teach the valiant
To aid the future cause,’
Spoke Gryffindor the fearless,
‘And they shall defend our laws.’
‘But what of all the others?’
Spoke Hufflepuff the fair.
‘I’d teach not only magic
But to love and not compare.�
Upon these words the founders
Each sought to have their way
And the ideals of the houses
Still stand their ground today.
Each year I must direct you
To the house where you belong,
And through the Founders’ wisdom
I have never yet been wrong,
And since my explanation’s through,
I hope I may begin.
Step up and place me on your head;
I’ll read the thoughts within.�

The room erupted with thunderous applause, but dissipated into silence as Professor Dumbledore began to read off the list.

“Avery, Casper!�

One of the boys from the boat stepped forward and sat on the stool. The Hat touched his blonde hair and immediately cried out, “SLYTHERIN!�

“Baverstock, Hamish!�

“RAVENCLAW!�

“Bones, Maureen!�

“HUFFLEPUFF!�

Professor Dumbledore worked his way down the list of names. Chandler, Seth was met with raucous applause as he joined the Gryffindor table. I surveyed the Hall and imagined what the teachers were like. Headmaster Dippet looked kind but easily manipulated. The Professor to his left, on the other hand, looked very strict.

“Kerr, Elizabeth!� I turned my attention back to the Hat. Eliza hopped nimbly up onto the stool. She placed the Hat onto her tousled brown hair, slightly askew. The Hat swayed from side to side, hesitant, undecided. She smiled and her dark eyes sparkled.

“RAVENCLAW!� the Hat shouted.

I hoped to God that that would be my House too.

The list of names ran on. Lestrange, Melchior was sorted into Slytherin. Macmillan, Eleanor became a Hufflepuff. Partridge, Anna sat down next to Eliza at the Ravenclaw table.

“Riddle, Tom!� I walked up to the stool as calmly as I could. Sitting there I could see everyone staring at me. I placed the Hat awkwardly on my head.

“So you’re the one who can talk to snakes?� I heard a voice say.

“Who are you?� I asked it with as much bravery as I could muster.

“Only the Sorting Hat. Don’t worry. Oh, is this a girl I see. Ravenclaw, is she? Well, you certainly have brains enough for Ravenclaw,� it deliberated. I felt hope rise into my heart.

“But you use them to achieve what you want. You have cunning and ambition aplenty,� it continued. My heart fell. My hope was never even going to be an option. “And the Parseltongue means that you must be a descendant of Salazar himself.�

“But the only person I know here is in Ravenclaw,� I pleaded weakly and to no avail.

“There’s only one place for you, Tom. You will meet people there. You will do well in your House.

“SLYTHERIN!�

Dismayed, I walked slowly towards the Slytherin table, not knowing quite what to expect. The Sorting was soon finished. I sat down on the side next to the wall and watched as her eyes danced with each witty comment thrown at her. I could see that the blue and bronze suited her. I took one last glance at her and attempted to create an alliance with some of the people at my table. I was going to have to live with them after all. I started with Avery and Lestrange. I recognised them from the boat, despite not speaking. Perhaps they would be useful.

---

My first lesson was Charms with the Gryffindors. The Hat said that they were supposed to be ‘valiant’, but to tell the truth, they were a bunch of brainless idiots. One girl had obviously done nothing but pore over her textbooks for the entire summer, as she raised her hand to answer every question in great detail. I completed the task reasonably effectively and quickly, but levitating a feather was simple magic compared to what I’d done without a wand.

My second lesson was more challenging but much more enjoyable. It was Transfiguration with the Ravenclaws. I sat next to her, as Avery and Lestrange were sitting together in the back corner. The Ravenclaws were skilled. By the end of the lesson, one boy had managed to transfigure his matchstick into a needle. Mine had developed an eye and a thinner end, but it had stubbornly remained mainly a matchstick. Eliza’s was silver and pointed, but with no eye. Avery and Lestrange, on the contrary, had not managed to change their matchsticks at all.

After the midday meal, I had Potions with the Gryffindors again. Minerva the know-it-all, or whatever her name was, sat at the front and eagerly answered any question thrown at her. Professor Slughorn awarded her a few House Points, but I gained more by answering one question than she did during the whole lesson. You could tell that Professor Slughorn was the Head of Slytherin House. I also learnt that lesson that Slughorn was especially partial to crystallised pineapple. He received much of it during my time at school.

The strict-looking teacher sitting next to Headmaster Dippet was Professor Beery. My last lesson that day was with him: Herbology with the Hufflepuffs. He was Head of Hufflepuff house, and in fact, most of the Hufflepuffs seemed apt at the subject. He was cheerier than I’d expected, but very concerned about safety. The lesson was instructive and interesting, but not exciting in the slightest. Professor Beery however, now seemed to be the sort of teacher I could easily wrap around my finger.





Most days dragged on in the same fashion as the first. Holidays at Hogwarts were better than returning to the orphanage, but every summer I had to return. People were wary of me but it was much better that way. I kept to myself and dreamed of my dormitory in the dungeons. Each time I went back I felt like I was coming home. I never wanted to leave.

My first two years went by quickly. We became close, but she spent so much time with that insufferable Anna Partridge. They were in the same dormitory and interested in the same career. Sometimes it seemed like they were more than just friends; they were sisters. Eliza clung to her as she had few other friends, but Partridge was more outgoing and often seemed irritated with Eliza. I couldn’t stand the girl’s company. I sat with Eliza in lessons sometimes, but I was soon the emergency partner when Anna decided to sit with one of her other friends. Know-it-all McGonagall always got on my nerves. One lesson I came in late and had to sit next to her. She nearly decapitated me with her manic hand-raising. The Ravenclaws were cleverer and knew that you really didn’t need to raise your hand for the teacher to know that you understood. Eliza hardly ever raised her hand but still got consistently good marks. I would’ve envied her, except that I had good enough marks myself that I didn’t need to. Besides I couldn’t. I was more jealous of Partridge. I was jealous of the time that she could spend with her. I never had that, even though I would have forever.

---

In the third year, I asked her to Hogsmeade. She seemed so friendless. Partridge was going with Baverstock. I had seen them around the castle together a lot, sometimes holding hands, occasionally kissing. He seemed mild-mannered, so I expect that she would be leading him around. From that I deduced that they would be spending most of the time in Madam Puddifoot’s, that garish new café for couples. Eliza agreed to go with me. I had felt the elation that I had only ever felt once before, but I kept it to myself. There was no way of knowing which hex Avery would try on Eliza if he found out she was going to Hogsmeade with me. She would be able to block it if she was quick enough, but she was too shy and trusting to truly fend for herself. In fact, no one would know until the day. I wasn’t about to tell anyone and she had no-one to tell. That way nothing could possibly spoil it.

I hadn’t counted on typical British weather. On Friday night I had lain awake, listening to the rain pouring into the lake above. It hadn’t stopped when I awoke on Saturday morning. We went to Hogsmeade regardless, but instead of the beautiful image of a picnic on the field a bit further off, we spent most of our time in the Three Broomsticks. I was wary of going in at first as Avery and Lestrange were there and if they found out, I dreaded what they might do to Eliza, but she pointed out to me that they were far too preoccupied with the pretty young barmaid to pay attention to us. After a Butterbeer each, we went to Honeydukes and I bought her as big a bar of chocolate as I could with the little money I’d scraped from running errands for the teachers and threatening younger students, and then we returned to Hogwarts.

The castle seemed deserted when we got back. It seemed that everyone had gone to Hogsmeade despite the rain. In fact, it was only the hallways that were deserted, but that didn’t matter. We found an empty classroom. I kissed her. She drew back, surprised, but as I kissed her again I felt her lips tenderly kiss mine back. Then she drew away again, as if her lips had acted of their own accord. I could tell that she hadn’t been prepared to take it as fast as this. I’d prepared myself for this. I could wait. I would take this as slowly as she wanted, no matter how much I wanted her, as long as she was mine.

---

After I made my 2nd Horcrux, I told her what I’d found out about my father. But not the whole truth. I told her that I’d found out that he was a Muggle, and that he’d abandoned my mother and had died. I didn’t lie to her. I would never lie to her. But I couldn’t tell her the whole truth when she trusted me so unconditionally.

By this time, we were no longer together. We were good friends. I don’t think she could afford to lose a friend; she had too few and wasn’t going to make new ones easily. She was no longer attracted towards me. If she had been anyone else I would’ve cursed her for insulting me like that. Instead, I embraced her, because I wouldn’t hurt her for anything, even if it meant that I was hurting myself. It was at that moment that my heart cracked.

Seth Chandler was the boy who drove in the wedge and smashed it, destroying my heart. He had disgusting, dirty blonde hair which he wore messily, as if he’d only just got up. He was the Gryffindor Keeper by this time, and all manner of girls from all the houses were swooning over him. He could’ve broken any of their hearts. Instead he put them on hold and stole the heart of another. He led her on. My Eliza. He took her from me for his own and then cast her out into the world to fend for herself when anyone could see that she couldn’t. I watched this and each time they held hands, kissed, touched, I could almost feel my heart crack a little deeper. When he hurt her like that, it was the final straw. The rips in my soul and the cracks in my heart tore us all apart.

---

I saw her on my way to Charms, curled up in a niche in the wall. I approached her she didn’t look up but held her hand out and said, “Leave me alone, Seth! Haven’t you hurt me enough already?� I left her there, knowing that she was hurt.

I saw her again later. He had his arm around her. Anger coursed through my whole body as I drew my wand. I strode towards them and saw that her eyes no longer sparkled but looked fearful and were glazed with tears.

I grabbed him.

“What did you do to her?� I hissed.

He whimpered and writhed but didn’t speak.

I turned around to face her. She was crying again.

“What did he do to you?� I demanded softly.

“Nothing.�

“Tell me. I am the Head Boy. You can trust me. You do trust me, don’t you?�

She hesitated for a moment, weighing up the consequences, her eyes flitting nervously between Seth and me. She took one final look at him and gave in, collapsing against me, her head on my shoulder. “I thought he loved me. He said he loved me. HE SAID HE LOVED ME! But he doesn’t. He doesn’t love me anymore. He never wanted me in the first place…� She was screeching and crying. And then she stopped, tumbling to the ground. She looked up into my eyes, pleading. Her dark eyes bored into me as we spoke.
“I… I…� she sobbed, incoherent and unable to speak.

I turned around straight away and pointed my wand at him. I started to utter the spell. It was Unforgivable. He had hurt her, the Muggleborn. The filthy Mudblood had hurt my Eliza.

“Ava-�

“No!� she released my leg that she had been clutching, cowering behind.

“-da Ke-�

“No!� She was nearly by his side. I had to finish this spell quickly.

“-davra!�

“No!� She fell with him. I had caught them both. They tumbled onto the stone floor like puppets with cut strings. I looked upon them, lying forever entwined in each other’s arms.

“No!� Subdued lust rose in my body as I looked at the vulnerable girl lying on the floor. I was controlled but I echoed her scream as I pleaded with myself. Gently, I knelt down beside her corpse and kissed her as I had wished to for years, but it was cold and lifeless.

I could feel my soul ripping in two. I had killed a boy because he had hurt her. But I had killed her. What had I done? I placed my head in my hands, ready to cry, but the realisation dawned on me that I was still at school. This was hard evidence for Professor Dumbledore that I was not who Professor Dippet thought I was. I levitated two Disillusioned bodies to the Room of Hidden Things. They would never be buried or commemorated. They were the first people to disappear and never be found again. A fragment of my soul now lives in that room where the shards of my heart were forever put to rest.

I hurried back to my room and performed a flurry of spells to ensure that Priori Incantatem could not be used, but how many was it? It didn’t matter. Nothing would rid me of what I had just done. Making sure no-one else found out was the best I could do. I lay on my bed. ‘What had I done? I asked myself, but there was no other voice to answer. ‘I could’ve created another Horcrux with this murder’ I thought angrily. But I couldn’t, because it was her. I mourned her, the one I would never forget. She was the first to accept me for who I was, Muggle father and all. The teachers didn’t count. Dumbledore accepted me out of duty; Slughorn accepted me for his own personal gain. She accepted me out of love.

---

People forget that I was human once. I found things out for myself. Love is for fools. It killed her. She was foolish to trust him. Love makes you weak. It hinders you and blinds you. I do not need to be blinkered for eternity.

There is no more love, no more lust. But I still see her face as she haunts me in my dreams.