money from it, so please Mrs. Rowling if you read this
don’t sue me. A comment or two would be welcome
though.
Please, if you read, take two minutes to review.
Chapter 5: At What Price
Harry and Hermione stood facing each other, while Ron and Ginny each sat in one of the squashy armchairs in the sitting area of their flat, nervously watching the two of them. The new potion that Hermione and Ginny had come up with had worked. Yesterday, Hermione had beaten Harry, and they were trying it again today.
“Legilimens!” Harry and Hermione yelled at each other. Harry was desperate. He didn’t know what had changed in Hermione from two days ago, to yesterday, but the vast whiteness of her mind had become impossible to penetrate. Yesterday she had fought with him for close to five hours by herself. Harry had finally collapsed when she released him. Ginny had only said one thing to him.
“I’m disappointed in you.”
Harry had not felt that low since he had sunk to his knees outside of the hospital wing when Ginny had been injured during the quidditch match. This had been worse. He was determined not to hear the disappointment in her voice today. Harry had been nervous before they started, he had not fully recovered from yesterday yet, and he was hoping Hermione was still tired too. He was disappointed to find that she was stronger.
The battle of wills raged, each trying to penetrate beyond the wall that was protecting their respective minds. Harry was aware of the voices deep in his mind trying to find a new way to fight Hermione, to weaken her so he could get into her head. Harry let a memory come to the surface of his mind.
Hermione felt something give in Harry. She reached out and grabbed it and she was destroyed.
Harry had let his memory of the fight with Voldemort come to the surface. Hermione saw Ron under the control of the Imperious curse his wand raised at Harry preparing to kill him. She saw her own wand rise towards Ron.
Hermione’s version of this memory had been created in a moment that did not allow for truly conscious thought to occur; the battle that had followed had forced her to push it away. And afterwards her subconscious had forced it so far into the depths of her mind that she did not even remember it. If she had, she would surely have placed the memory in her pensieve, protecting herself from the horror of what she had almost done. Now, this forgotten memory ripped to the surface of her mind. Hermione had been seconds from killing Ron. She had decided to do it, that she would kill him, fight to get Harry out and then kill herself.
Hermione instantly retreated from Harry’s mind. Harry suddenly had the access he wanted when he let her see the memory from his point of view. His attack by retreat had worked, and now he realized the mistake he had made. Hermione was not even trying to fight; she had given up entirely. Every horrid memory that existed in her mind was flying at Harry, and it was threatening to drown both of them. Harry fought desperately to pull away from her; he could hear Hermione screaming in terror at what was happening to her. He finally pulled himself away and watched her crash to the floor.
Ron and Ginny were just starting to move to her aide. What had felt like and eternity to both her and Harry had in actuality only been seconds. Harry rushed forward to Hermione, who was trembling uncontrollably. Ginny got there first and Hermione let her take her in her arms, but she wouldn’t let Ron near her.
Oh shit, Harry said to himself.
“Hermione, what’s wrong?” Ron was pleading with her to look at him.
“GET AWAY FROM ME!” Hermione screamed at him. Ron’s face turned white, Harry could see his eyes starting to shine as Hermione continued to push him away. He turned to Harry looking for help.
“What did you do?” he asked desperately. Harry knew what was wrong but could not even begin to explain to Ron why Hermione was doing this to him when he wanted to help her.
How could I have been so stupid? he screamed silently to himself.
“Hermione, please,” Harry said, reaching out to touch her shoulder. She didn't push him away, but wouldn't look at him either.
“It’s not your fault, Harry,” she whispered. “That was the memory I found.” Harry was beyond sick; she had found it because he wanted her to, not by accident.
“Please, Hermione. Don’t shut him out,” Harry begged her. “He is your husband Mione.”
“AND I DON”T DESERVE HIM!”
“AND HE DOESN’T DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS BY HIS WIFE!” Ginny roared shocking all of them. They sat in stunned silence for a few seconds.
“Please, Mione, there is nothing you can do that will make me not love you,” Ron said quietly, reaching out his hand to touch her arm. Harry saw her shiver at his touch but she did not pull away from him.
“What happened, Harry?” Ron asked again. Harry sighed deeply. He cleared his mind and let the memory come to the surface. He would show Ron what had set her off, but would tell them later that it was not an accident that she found that memory. He needed to help Hermione and Ron, before he could try and save his friendship with either of them.
“Look in my mind, Ron,” Harry said quietly. Ron looked into Harry’s eyes. Harry watched as realization came over Ron of what had happened to Hermione.
“Mione, I still love you,” Ron whispered. Harry saw Hermione choke at his words.
“How can you?” she asked not meeting his eyes.
“Mione, look at me. My mind is open come in,” Ron said quietly. Hermione didn’t respond.
“Please?” Ron asked again.
“How can you trust me?” Hermione whispered.
“Mione, look at me,” Ron said, reaching out his hand and lifting her chin, their eyes met, and Hermione saw Ron walking forward towards Voldemort reaching out his hand to take the wand from him.
“You will kill them all.” She heard Voldemort’s voice in Ron’s head. Hermione could feel Ron fighting desperately to throw the curse off, the power behind it ten times anything he had fought before. He was failing.
“Help me, Mione.” Hermione heard Ron’s voice pleading in his own mind for her to help him as he raised the wand at Harry’s chest. She could feel the voices in Ron’s mind desperately throwing images into his head of her and Ron together; holding hands under the table, kissing each other goodnight, anything and everything that had happened between them the whole year flashed through his head in a second. It wasn’t enough; Ron was going to kill Harry and then her. The others would be easy. The words to the killing curse were forming in Ron’s mind.
“I’m so sorry, Ronald. I love you.” Hermione heard her own voice enter the memory, and felt Ron’s head clear. She saw the smile that came over him just before he mouthed the word ready to her, Harry and the others.
“Thank God she was strong enough to make the right decision.” Was the last thing she felt come from Ron’s memory before she pulled away from him.
“You saved me, Mione. You saved us all, because Harry was too stupid to even defend himself. You made the right choice, Mione,” Ron said while holding his hand on the side of her face. Hermione reached up and took his hand in hers.
“You really forgive me?” she asked barely above a whisper, her eyes pleading to believe his words.
“We know that Harry must live long enough to defeat Voldemort or the rest of us will die anyways. Remember I told you; I risked Harry on the chessboard. That was before we knew the truth. What would you say if I risked him now, made such a selfish decision again, would you still love me if I did? There is nothing to forgive. You made the only decision that could have saved me, Mione.” Hermione pulled Ron to her and she broke down on his shoulder.
Harry stood up and moved away from them. He had listened to Ron’s speech, with an ever-sickening stomach. His two best friends desperately in love with each other were forced to place him before their spouse. He felt like he was going to vomit at the thought. His anger was growing by the second at Voldemort for forcing his friends into the choices they were making. And he still had to tell Hermione and Ron the truth about how Hermione had come across that particular memory in his mind. He was terrified that he would lose them both.
Harry felt Ginny’s hand on his shoulder. He turned to look at her and her voice came into his mind.
“Husband?”
“She didn’t find that memory by accident, Gin. I let her see it, hoping it would shock her, make her weak enough for me to get in her mind.”
“I’m sorry you hurt her, but not sorry you found a new way to fight.” Ginny spoke the words softly into his chest as she pulled him tight.
“Ginny, the first day we did this. She said she trusted me not to hurt her on purpose. Now I have. Am I so desperate to win this fight with Voldemort that I disregard how much pain I cause the people who help me? When does it change from pushing each other to abuse, I feel like I’m only a step away from the path Voldemort walks.”
“We all have the option of leaving you, Harry. Hermione and Ron know your heart. They might both be upset, but they will forgive you. You did not realize the depth to which your attack would affect Hermione.”
“I should have, Gin, how can I know her like I do, and not realize what that would do to her?” Ginny dropped her eyes from Harry’s before replying.
“Harry, you have now reached the level of torment that I have been in ever since you showed me the first prophecy. You must find a way to accept what you have to do. Maybe you should have known how much it would hurt Hermione. But that does not change that you needed to find a new way to fight.”
“I could have told her, warned her that I was going to do something different, Gin.” Ginny sighed she had to tell him at least part of the truth.
“Harry, The three of us came up with a new way to fight you.” Harry looked at Ginny in shock. “A way that might help you fight Tom when the time comes. We all decided not to tell you, because if Tom got in your head he could find out the secret and then it would be useless to you. Hermione is the person who volunteered to test the method on you. If you could have found the strength to beat her the old way, simply by outlasting her, then we knew you would be taking a huge leap forward in the fight against Tom. Instead you found a new way to fight against her. What happened today is as much our fault as it is yours.”
“What did you come up with?”
“We’re not going to tell you. When the time comes to use it; it is very easy to do. In the meantime, you must go back to fighting against us the old way. You must build your strength and simply fight through the emptiness that Hermione, Ron or I erect against you.”
“Ginny please?...”
“No, Harry, and you must promise not to try to find it in our minds, or look in our pensieves. You ask yourself if you abuse us, say that you are a step away from the path Tom is on. We ask the same questions when we look at you.” Harry closed his eyes against the pain in his heart.
“Ok, Gin, I promise.” Harry held Ginny close to him for a long time, gathering the strength to tell Hermione that he had betrayed her trust. Finally he took a deep breath and walked over to Ron and Hermione’s bedroom door and knocked softly on it.
“Mione, Ron, may I come in?”
“The door is open, Harry,” Ron called to him. Harry took another deep breath and turned the knob. Ron was sitting on their couch with Hermione lying on his lap. She was turned with her face buried in his stomach, her arms wrapped tightly around him. Ron was running his fingers through her hair. Harry felt the bile in his stomach surging again. He stood in the doorway watching them quietly not daring to approach her or Ron.
“Mione?” Hermione sat up Harry could see her wiping her face before she turned to look at him. The puffiness of her face gave away that she had been crying this whole time.
“Mione, I’m sorry,” Harry whispered. Hermione got up and started to walk to Harry.
“Harry it wasn’t your fault that….”
“No, Hermione, don’t come any closer until I have finished.” Hermione stopped halfway to Harry, a puzzled look on her face.
“Harry, it wasn’t….” she tried again.
“It was, Mione. I gave you that memory on purpose.” Harry interrupted her, his voice barely above a whisper looking at the floor while he spoke.
“What did you say?” Hermione asked him quietly, her breath sucking in. Harry forced himself to look up and meet her eyes. She was biting her lip, like she always did when she was trying to control herself. Harry saw her shiver slightly.
All we can do is apologize, the voices urged him.
“Mione, you were so strong, I knew you would beat me, so I tried to attack you by retreating. I found a memory that we had in common. One that I thought would upset you, weaken you….hurt you, and I let you think you had found a way into my mind….When what I was doing was tricking you, so I could attack when you were overwhelmed by the emotions you would feel.” Harry paused a moment. Hermione was holding herself now, visibly trembling. Harry felt tears freely flowing down his face. “I’m sorry I betrayed your trust,” he finished. Hermione watched him carefully for a minute, before she turned away from him.
“Harry, I think you better leave,” she said quietly.
“Yes, Mione.” Harry glanced at Ron. “I’m sorry, Ron.” He then quickly turned and left the room.
Ron crossed the room and took Hermione in his arms.
“I’m sorry, Mione, this is all my fault. I should never have let you be the one to test this; I should have done it myself.” Hermione turned on him.
“Why, so he could have found some way to hurt you instead?” she hissed at him.
“Yes!” Ron replied almost yelling at her. The force of his answer stopped Hermione for a second.
“Mione, he was desperate,” Ron continued more calmly. “Did you see his reaction to what Ginny said yesterday when you beat him? He was near where you were an hour ago.”
“And that excuses him in your mind,” Hermione snapped at him. Ron couldn’t stop himself from laughing at the irony of the situation.
“What, may I ask, is so funny?” Hermione demanded shaking in anger.
“That I am the one trying to get you to think with your head and not just your heart. It just seems to be quite a role reversal,” Ron replied smiling at her.
“Ronald he hurt me, he tried to do it. I know we have been doing that to each other since we started this a few weeks ago, but this went beyond that. He went after the one thing….The worst possible memory he could have found. I had that buried so deep that I did not even remember it. If I had, then I would have put it in the pensieve.” Ron sighed, he was trying to save Harry and Hermione’s friendship, and he was failing.
“Even if you had, even if Harry had not given you that memory on purpose, you still could have come across it by accident. That was not a memory Harry had put in his pensieve and put back in his mind. He made a desperate decision in what he felt was a desperate situation.
“Mione, if you want to be mad at him, not forgive him, that is your choice, but we all know that it is Harry who has to win. You made the decision to kill me, when Harry would not defend himself. He just did the same thing to you. Remember when you decide what to do that we were the ones to escalate the fight against Harry. Harry has always responded when he had too. I wish with all my heart that he had not done that to you. That is why I should have been the one to test this, but we should have expected Harry to find a new defense against our attack.”
Hermione sat down on the couch with her head in her hands, thinking about what Ron had said.
He's right you know, her first said quietly.
What Harry just did to us, is hardly different than what we were going to do to Ron, her third added.
He chose to hurt me, so he would not feel the pain of Ginny’s disappointment in him, Hermione argued back at the voices.
Then take off his necklace, the voices snapped at her before they fell silent. Hermione stopped arguing, stunned by what the voices had said to her. She fingered the necklace that Harry had given her the night he had told her he loved her. She had not taken it off since he fixed the clasp around her neck the night she told him no.
Where did you go? Hermione asked after a minute.
We have nothing left to say, we want to forgive him, have him wrap his arms around us and hold us. Did you see eyes when he apologized? We do not have to be in his mind to know he meant what he was saying. It was all he could do to even look at us. Hermione, he is out there right now afraid that he has lost you. Just like we felt Ron could not possible want us when we saw the memory.
Hermione didn’t reply.
If this had been the final battle, and Harry could win by throwing us away, what decision would you have him make?
I would die willingly, Hermione snarled angrily at the voices.
Then be glad he has shown he can, and pray that this doesn’t weaken him to the point that he won’t next time, her second voice said quietly.
“You’re right,” Hermione whispered.
“What was that?” Ron asked quietly. He had been sitting on their bed watching her.
“I love him too much to turn my back on him. It’s just not fair that I have to put him in front of you, because that is not what my heart wants, Ronald,” Hermione said quietly.
“If it was just Harry, then I would agree with you, but we are talking about the world as we know it if you save me instead of Harry, can you live with that? I know I could never look at you again if I did that because I know you could never love anyone so selfish. Harry didn’t do that just to save himself from Ginny. He did it so he could fight Voldemort, that trick may be what allows him to win.” Hermione stood up and crossed the floor to Ron she pushed him back on the bed and lay down on his chest.
“Hold me for a minute, Love.” Ron wrapped his arms around her, letting her melt into him. He held her for a short time, running his fingers through her hair.
“Go forgive him, Mione,” Ron whispered to her.
Hermione knocked on the door to Harry and Ginny’s room and not waiting for a response, she cautiously entered. Harry was sitting on his and Ginny’s bed. Ginny was behind him just sitting with her hand on his back. She could see Harry’s shoulders heaving, even though she could not see his face, she knew he was crying. Ginny turned to see Hermione, who walked across the room to the bed.
“I’ll wait in the sitting area for you,” Ginny said, getting up from the bed and closing the door behind her as she left. Hermione sat down on the bed and put her arms around Harry.
“Mione….”
“Hush, Harry, I accept that you are sorry. Accept my forgiveness,” she whispered.
“You don’t know how much you mean to me, Mione,” Harry said his voice breaking.
“I think I do, Harry, because you mean that much to me. Have you ever noticed that I never take your necklace off? I wear it every day to remind me what your love is. I even asked Ron to never by me a necklace because I did not want to take this one off.” Harry reached up and put his hand on hers.
“I have noticed, Mione. Ron doesn’t mind?”
“Ron said that he already knew I would never take it off. That he had already decided he would never buy me a necklace.” Harry turned to look at her.
“What did I ever do to deserve friends like you and Ron?”
“You’re you, Harry,” Hermione said taking his hands in hers.
“Thank you for loving me Hermione.” Hermione flashed a smile at Harry, not the one she gave Ron, but it was one that Harry recognized as belonging to him.
“Come on, Harry. Ron and I are sleeping in the sitting area tonight. We would like it if you and Ginny did too.” Harry smiled at her.
“Ok, Mione,” he agreed, letting her lead him out of the room.
The warm sun shown brightly through the windows of the flat Harry and Ginny shared with Ron and Hermione. A gentle breeze blew across the room carrying the scents of summer on it. The peacefulness of it distracted Harry as he watched Ron, Hermione and Ginny move memories in and out of their pensieves. The three of them had been spending a lot of time doing this ever since the incident with Hermione four weeks ago. Harry didn’t think it was possible, but he and Hermione were even closer now than before. Ron had not been mad at him at all. Instead he was angry at himself for putting Hermione in the position he did.
Harry had no clue what new defense they had come up with. It had taken him two weeks of training to get past Ron and Hermione after the first time they had used it on him. And even though he had finally done it, they had gotten stronger each time they fought. All of them were growing exponentially. And the defense of their minds, Harry’s included, had begun to change.
No longer was it like standing in a white cloud as you tried to enter their mind. It had started, a few weeks ago, to turn grey and cold. Gradually becoming darker until it had turned black. The blackness had a suffocating weight to it. That Harry thought, felt like what it would be like to be buried alive. Being in their minds was like no longer like standing in a dense fog. And even that continued to grow in its heaviness. Ginny was the last test; it took him a week to beat her the first time. Harry had felt immense relief that it could not get too much harder to fight them. It was short lived.
After a week of successfully beating Hermione, Ron and Ginny whenever they fought, something had changed again. Yesterday, Hermione’s mind had been beyond empty, she had fought him for seven hours before they had both quit. He had wondered if she had put every memory she had into her pensieve. He had also been surprised that Ginny was not upset; she seemed to have changed tactics with him since he had brutally attacked Hermione. She had merely told him to make sure he was not holding anything back because of the incident, if he was, then he would feel her wrath. Hermione and Ron had said the same thing. Harry shook his head.
He was glad it was his birthday tomorrow. They were going to take the day off, and play. The plan was to spend most of the day at the lake swimming or chasing each other around as lions. Harry was definitely looking forward to it. Ginny swore to him that there was no party this year, and Harry hoped she was telling him the truth. He just wanted to sit with his wife and two best friends and enjoy the time together.
Harry watched Ginny put the last of a number of silvery strands from her pensieve back into her mind. She looked up and caught him watching her. Ginny smiled at him, but there seemed to be something wrong in it.
“What?” Harry asked her, puzzled by her apparent unease.
“Harry, we have to change how we are fighting against you again, you are not getting stronger any more.” Harry groaned inwardly.
This can’t be good, the voices said to him.
“Harry, I talked with Dumbledore yesterday, he said there were only two ways to push you further than we have,” Ron said quietly. Hermione was twirling the contents of her pensieve. She appeared to be afraid to look at him.
“Well?” Harry asked quietly, when no one seemed to be willing to give him an answer. Ron sighed.
“One thing we can do is put all of our memories from the pensieves back in our minds. We will fight harder to keep you out, the more at risk we are. You will break through even that soon enough. It is not going to do much for you.”
“I assume you are all going to do it anyways?” Harry replied feeling sick to his stomach.
“Yes, we all just finished getting ready for it,” Hermione replied, finally looking at him. Harry noticed that there was still some silvery liquid in each of their pensieves.” She caught his question before he asked it.
“These are not memories, so much as information that needs to be hidden from you until the time comes to fight Voldemort,” she said quietly. Harry nodded at her.
“I understand. You mentioned a second thing you can do to teach me to reach deeper, find some way of tolerating more pain, Ron?” Harry saw Hermione look away from him again;
he thought he saw her lip starting to tremble.
“Ron, please don’t,” Ginny whispered, her eyes starting to shine brightly. Harry looked at Ron expectantly; knowing the answer to his question had to be horrible if Ginny was not strong enough to face it.
“Well?” he asked.
“You can train against the Cruciatus curse,” Ron answered him before turning away. Harry blinked but didn’t say anything.
How? his first asked him.
By separating our mind from our body, a new fourth voice answered.
Explain what you mean, Harry said to the voice.
It is similar to what we are doing with occulmency and legilimency. We are separating our memories from who we are, to block an outside force from seeing them. With this an outside force is sending pain at us, at our nerve endings. We need to be able to separate that sensation out, block it, or shunt it to a spot that dose not matter.
What do you mean does not matter? Harry’s second asked.
Well Harry could direct all the pain from the curse to me. I imagine that I would be in agony, but as long as he or you three maintain your sanity, once the curse stops, I should be ok. We should all be ok, the fourth voice replied.
You’re insane, the other three voices said together.
Dumbledore would not have mentioned it if there was no way to fight it, the fourth voice responded.
There is a way to fight it, it’s called a shield spell, you may have heard of it - Protego - and there is no pain, Harry’s third voice said in exasperation.”
Enough, Harry said. There must be a way to tolerate the pain if Dumbledore suggested it.
Fine! Just make sure if you try it, that you let him deal with the pain, Harry’s first three voices spat at him.
“How can I train against the curse when none of you are capable of correctly casting it at me?” Harry asked. If Harry could have seen their faces he would have noticed them all flinching.
“The first unspeakable from the DA meeting, the one who did all the talking,” Ron said quietly, “Dumbledore will ask him to do it if we choose to train against it.”
“What do you mean we?” Harry said angrily.
“You and I, Harry. I have suffered the same pain as you for the last year, longer even, that will not change now. If you train for this then I will too,” Ron replied just as angrily.
“No you won’t, Ron.” Harry said keeping his voice calm and even. “I won’t allow it.”
“Yes we will, and you have no say in what we do, Harry,” Hermione snapped at him. Ron and Harry turned on her, fighting with each other but united against her.
“Hermione, I forbid you to do this,” Ron said angrily.
“I do too. Neither you nor Ginny will train against the Cruciatus curse.”
“You may ask me not to do something, but you will not forbid me to do anything, Harry,” Ginny interjected into the fight, her eyes blazing at him.
“Nor will you forbid me to do anything, Ronald,” Hermione said quietly to him. Harry and Ron both stopped, very aware that they were dangerously close to pushing their wives too far. Harry opened his mouth to say something but stopped. Ron turned to him, and they looked at each other.
“Now what do we do?” Harry thought to Ron.
“I have no idea,” Ron replied.
“There must be some way to fight the curse. If there is, would either of you think to deny us the right to protect ourselves?” Hermione asked.
“Or would you prefer to visit us along with Neville’s parents at St. Mungo’s everyday for the rest of your lives,” Ginny added. That got both Harry and Ron’s attention.
“I am going to kill Dumbledore,” Ron hissed venomously to no one in particular.
“Not if I get to him first,” Harry replied kicking the chair in front of him across the room.
“You both know there is only one person to blame for this,” Hermione snapped at them.
“And him, I am going to kill,” Harry said his voice cold and emotionless. And this time Harry knew he had taken the final step. When the time came, if he had the knowledge, he would be able to kill Voldemort. The four of them stood there lost in their own thoughts for a minute or two.
“Did Dumbledore give you any ideas on how to fight the Cruciatus curse?” Harry asked Ron. They all listened while Ron answered the question.
I told you, Harry’s fourth said to him.
You’re still going to be the one who gets to deal with the pain, the other three voices replied.
Whatever, the fourth voice answered them.
“Ginny, I need to talk to you in mine and Hermione’s room,”
Ron said breaking into Harry’s thoughts.
“Mione, why don’t you and Harry go ahead with the occulmency for today. Let’s exhaust that before we move to the Cruciatus curse,” he added before closing the door on them.
Author's note:
I have already explained my thoughts on the unforgiveables in a previous author's note. Now you get to see how I think the cruciatus curse can be fought. Let me know what you think.