Harry:
Living at the Dursleys
Didn’t understand
The goings-on at Hogwarts
Evil close at hand.
Ginny:
I hardly believed that
These things were done by me.
That I had opened the chamber.
Suddenly I could see.
Both:
Ohhh, I knew that something was wrong!
Ginny:
Yes, worse than this song!
Both:
And that’s saying a lot!
Yeah, it was the start
Of something bad
Thanks to a diary and Draco’s dad.
Woah-oh!
Kids who saw the Basilisk’s eyes
All got paralyzed, woah-oh
The start of something bad.
Harry:
Now, who’d ever thought that
This was done by Voldy’s soul?
Ginny:
And that killing Muggle-born kids
Was his evil goal?
Both:
Ohhh, I knew we were in deep poo.
Harry:
Especially you!
‘Cause you got possessed!
Both:
Yeah, it was the start
Of something bad
Thanks to a diary and Draco’s dad.
Woah-oh!
Kids who saw the Basilisk’s eyes
All got paralyzed, woah, oh
The start of something bad.
Harry:
I never knew that it could happen ,that you could get petrified! Oooh, yeah.
Ginny:
It was pretty darn bad!
Both:
Well, at least, no one died, YEEEEAAAH!
It was the start
Of something bad
Thanks to a diary and Draco’s dad.
Woah-oh!
Kids who saw the basilisk’s eyes
All got paralyzed, woah, oh
The start of something…
It was the start
Of something bad
Thanks to a diary and Draco’s dad
Woah-oah!
Kids who saw the basilisks’ eyes
All got paralyzed, woah, oh
The start of something bad.
Ginny:
I thought that I’d gone mad.
Both:
The start of something bad.
Get Your Head Out of the Way! (Getcha Head In the Game)
(Harry is playing Quidditch, with the slight diversion of a rogue Bludger that keeps trying to bash his brains out. Keeping his head out of the way would be a good strategy.)
Harry:
Wood said to fake right
And break left
Watch out for that Flint
And keep an eye on defense
Gotta fly the give and go
And take the snitch from Draco
But don't be afraid
To use the Wronski Feint
Keep your head out of the way
Keep your head out of the way
Everyone:
And don't be afraid
To use the Wronski Feint
Keep your head out of the way.
Harry:
You gotta
Keep it, keep it out of the way
Everyone:
You gotta keep it, keep it, keep your head out of the way
Harry: You gotta
Keep it, keep it out of the way
Everyone:
You gotta keep it, keep it, keep your head out of the way
Harry:
Let's make sure Slytherin doesn’t score
'Cause if they do, Lee will swear even more.
(Lee:
[CENSOOOORED!]
McGonagall:
JORDAN!)
Harry:
Merlin’s pants!
Gotta duck this ball.
Maybe this time
I won’t get clobbered and fall.
Wait a minute
This ball’s gone insane
Wait a minute
It’ll bash out my brain
Wait a minute
It’ll cause me great pain.
Wait a minute
Wait a minute
You gotta
Keep it, keep it out of the way
Everyone:
You gotta keep it, keep it, keep your head out of the way
Harry:
You gotta
Keep it, keep it out of the way
Everyone:
You gotta keep it, keep it, keep your head out of the way
Harry:
This has to be sabotage…
This ball’s stalking me every which way I dodge
Something here feels so wrong…
What is wrong with this?
Better shake this, yikes!
You gotta
Keep it, keep it out of the way
Everyone: You gotta keep it, keep it, keep your head out of the way
Harry:
You gotta
Keep it, keep it out of the way
Everyone:
You gotta keep it, keep it, keep your head out of the way
Harry:
I gotta keep it, keep it if I wanna stay in pl”THWONK.
What I’ve Been Looking For
(Ginny is becoming quite friendly with her new diary.)
Tom:
You’re perfect for me
And my evil deeds
And you were always there beside me.
I live in your book…
Why not take a look?
You’ll never know me till you’ve tried me.
Ginny:
Strange book with leather cover…
Now what could this be?
(She writes in it and discovers that it can write back)
Ginny:
I’ve never seen a diary
That does the things you do
The things you do.
Tom:
And I’ve never had a victim
As innocent as you!
No one like you!
Ginny:
So lonely before…
Tom:
(simultaneous with above) You’re easy to lure…
Both:
I finally found
What I’ve been looking for!
Ginny:
Glad you understand
It’s good to be heard
I’ll cherish every single word.
Tom:
So long hidden away,
So good to be found
Oh, yes, my evil schemes abound!
Ginny:
You’re like a seventh brother!
I want you to know…
Ginny:
I’ve never seen a diary
That does the things you do
The things you do.
Tom:
I’ve never had a victim
As innocent as you!
No one like you!
Ginny:
So lonely before…
Tom:
(simultaneous with above) You’re easy to lure…
Both:
I finally found
What I’ve been looking for!
That’s Not How I Planned To Go (Stick To The Status Quo)
(The Basilisk is making her rounds around the school to devastating effect.)
Colin:
Wow, I bet
That’s my best picture yet!
I love watching Harry Potter fly!
I’m enjoying my pictures
Basilisk:
But if you’d looked up quicker
You’d have known you’re about to die!
Howdy camera-boy, say ‘cheese!’
Colin:
Hey, don’t kill me, please!
No, no, no!
No, no, no!
That’s not how I planned to go!
If someone has to die
Or get petrified
Can it please not be I?
Basilisk:
No, no!
You’d taste good as sloppy joe.
(He gets petrified. The basilisk moves on to where Justin and Nick are talking.)
Justin:
That Potter’s whack
The guy tried to attack
Me with his crazy snake!
Nick:
That’s incredibly scary
And it isn’t like Harry.
Perhaps you made a mistake?
Basilisk:
Look right here, into my eyes!
Justin and Nick:
Holy shoo-fly pies!
Justin:
No, no, no!
Nick:
No, no, no!
Justin:
That’s not how I planned to go!
Nick:
Though I’m already dead
I’d hoped I’d lose my head
I don’t feel too dignified.
Justin:
Don’t want to be petrified!
(The Basilisk petrifies them, and moves on to where Hermione and Penelope are rounding a corner.)
Hermione:
Wow, I see!
I must go tell Harry.
There’s a basilisk right here in the school!
Don’t want to be snake candy
So this mirror is handy
Since getting killed just isn’t cool.
Penelope:
Oh my gosh, what is that thing?
Basilisk:
Well, I ain’t Martin Luther King!
Hermione:
No, no, no!
Penelope:
No, no, no!
Both
: That’s not how I planned to go!
Penelope:
Hey, I’m still young and pretty!
Hermione:
This death is really shi…mmery…
Penelope:
Don’t want my insides fried!
Basilisk:
Another two petrified!
(Ginny suddenly realizes that something is amiss)
Ginny:
This is not Harry’s fault!
I don’t know how I know…
But something inside me
Tells me it isn’t so…
Something is really…
Tom:
Everything’s great!
Ginny:
Really odd!
And I wonder why my hands are stained in blood?
What’s the matter!
Colin:
Gaaa, I’m dead!
Ginny:
Something must be up!
What’s the matter?
Nick:
My poor head!
Ginny:
Come on, Nick, shut up!
What’s the matter?
Hermione:
Hospital bed…
Everyone:
Kids were petrified!
Woah!
Frozen hard inside!
Woah!
Just as if they’d died!
Woah!
Ginny:
I wish they’d all be QUIET!
( Harry and Ron walk by, and everyone stares)
Harry:
Why’s everyone staring at you?
Ron:
Not me, you. They… they all think you’re the heir of Slytherin.
Harry:
What, because of dueling club? I can’t have people thinking that! I really can’t!
Everyone:
No, no, no!
No, no, no!
Harry:
I didn’t do it!
Everyone:
Did so!
Evidence is right there”
Says “Enemies, beware”
You must be the heir, woah, woah!
You are the culprit, you are the culprit, you are the culprit…
Harry:
No!
When There Was Tom and Me (When There Was Me and You)
(Ginny throws the diary into the toilet and sings about how she can’t believe she was wrong about Tom.)
Ginny:
It’s funny, how I feel so strange
So cold on the inside
I’m standing here
But last time I checked I was over there.
Why did I let myself believe
That someone really liked me?
I’m nobody, and I should know
I shouldn’t really care.
I thought Tom was a friend to me
He helped me through my weeping
He gave me tender words when I felt blue.
But I’m so dumb, I couldn’t tell
That he was evil, I just couldn’t see
When there was Tom and me.
I swore I knew him better than
Anybody else did
He made me smile, he made me feel
Like I, for once, belonged.
But then, I saw his true colours
And they were green and silver
I’m only left with thoughts of how
And when I had gone wrong.
Now I know he’s not a friend to me
My life’s what he was reaping
He made me do things I don’t like to do
And even though I know he’s bad
Why do I still miss how it used to be
When there was Tom and me
I can’t believe that I could be so blind
I mean, he possessed me!
He used me for evil!
Took over my mind!
But still, I was happy-y-y-y
I felt so good and free
When there was Tom and me.
Lair of the Heir (Bop to the Top.)
(Harry and Ron go on a quest down to the chamber to save Ginny.)
Harry:
Looking for the chamber…
Ron:
Looking for my sis.
Harry:
I never thought all the attacks
Would boil down to this!
Ron:
Into the girls’ bathroom
Which, by the way, is sick.
Harry:
Anything it takes to get down there and down there quick!
Both:
Look, the entrance is in here!
Ron:
Suddenly, I feel real squeamish
Harry:
Come on, have no fear!
Ron:
Are you kidding? Me afraid? Naww…
Both:
Yeah, we’re going down, down there
Down to the lair
Harry:
Slip and slide down this big chute thing
Open up!
Ron:
We won’t give up…
Oh gross… snake skin…
Both:
To the lair
Lair of the heir
Just around the corner
Harry:
Evil creatures, get us if you dare!
Ron:
Because we’re not scared!
Both:
To the lair!
Lair of the heir!
It’s over there!
Ron:
I’ve got the willies…
Harry:
Don’t be silly.
Ron:
Guess we’re lucky not to drown…
Harry:
I think that’s the right direction.
This is scary…
Ron:
Thank you, Harry!
Both: Yeah, we’re going down, down there
Down to the lair
Harry:
Wonder who that Slytherin is
Both:
Here we go
Down with the flow
Ron:
My nerves are shot.
Both:
Down, down there
Straight to the lair
Ron:
Hope things aren’t too gory.
Harry:
We’ll keep going, give ‘em all that’s there
Ron:
There
Harry:
There…
Both:
Till we reach the lair!
Lair of the heir!
She Can’t Take Her Eyes Off You (I Can’t Take My Eyes Off You)
(This song was cut from the film… but I needed a song for Tom to sing. Too bad I kind of hate this song… I had to listen to it a lot to write this spoof. It certainly brings new meaning to the phrase ‘phoenix song,’ in any case.)
Tom:
You never know what you’re gonna see.
You never saw it coming, that the heir was me.
Harry:
It never even crossed my mind,
That you were some kind of evil mastermind
Tom:
Don’t you know
I have been expecting you!
Did you know
What a memory could do?
How could you never notice
That I’ve been here all along?
(Enter Basilisk)
Tom:
She can’t take her eyes off of you, yeah
She’ll turn you into Potter stew.
She can’t take her eyes off of you
All it took . . . Was one look
Myrtle’s life was through!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…
Harry:
I knew something bad was goin’ on…
But I don’t know why you did it, Tom.
Wasn’t Voldemort far after your time?
Tom:
You didn’t even see that I’m
Everything he was and is?
That I’m Lord Voldemort?
She can’t take her eyes off of you, yeah
She’ll turn you into Potter stew.
She can’t take her eyes off of you
All it took . . . Was one look
Myrtle’s life was through!
Fawkes:
(To Basilisk)
I’ll take those eyes off of you!
Oh, oh, oh yeah, oh, oh, oh
So let the music play
I’ll peck those eyes off of you!
Yeah, my song is getting stronger
And I never ever felt this way!
Basilisk:
Now I can’t see anything
With these eyes…Oh no!
Oh no, something’s happening
Cause everyone’s around but
There is nothing I can see!
I can’t feast my eyes on you!
Something’s up with my field of view.
I can’t feast my eyes on you!
What’s this part? Stabbed my heart?
Killed me, too!?
I’ll just sink my teeth… in… you…
(Basilisk dies. Harry stabs the diary, Fawkes cries on his injury, and he escapes with Ginny.)
Found the Heir (Breaking Free)
(They’re flying back out of the chamber with a little help from Fawkes.)
Harry:
We’re soaring, flying
We’re fancy free, we haven’t a single care
Ginny:
Without trying
We have found the heir.
Harry:
And now the school can see us
Once again for the people that we are
Ginny:
We’ve put the past behind us
Harry:
Nothing left but a scar.
Both:
Long story short, it’s Voldemort
He’s gone, so we don’t care!
Harry:
We’ve found the heir!
Ginny:
We’re soaring!
Harry:
Flying!
Both:
We’re fancy free, we haven’t a single care
Without trying
We have found the heir.
Harry:
The diary’s destroyed now
Riddle’s gone, he never did reach his goal
Ginny:
We’re safe now, you destroyed that
Fragment of his soul
Harry:
Of his soul…
Both:
We’re riding high, on phoenix wings
We’re floating in the air…
Harry:
We’ve found the heir!
Ginny:
We’re soaring!
Harry:
Flying!
Both:
We’re fancy free, we haven’t a single care
Without trying
We have found the heir.
Hunting, fighting
Journey was hard, but it wasn’t much to bear
When you consider
That we’ve found the heir!
Harry:
It took hope, it took faith
Ginny:
It took guts, it took strength
You had all of those fighting back there
Harry:
To defeat the Dark Lord
It took Fawkes and a sword
Ginny:
But you beat him, you scored!
Soaring!
Harry:
Flying!
Both:
We’re fancy free, we haven’t a single care
Without trying
We have found the heir.
Hunting, fighting
The journey was hard, but it wasn’t much to bear
When you consider
That we’ve found the heir!
Both:
And now the school can see us
Once again for the people that we are
We’re All In This Together
(The people who were petrified return, and everything is happy. HAPPY!...er... sorry...)
All:
Together, together
Together everyone!
Together, together!
Come on, the year is done!
Together, we’re there for
Each other every day!
Together, together
Our friends are back, hooray!
Harry:
Here and now, we’ve had a revelation
We’ve finally figured out, yeah, yeah
That Voldemort was Slytherin’s relation
That’s what it’s all about.
Ginny:
Now we know, we needn’t worry today
And now our friends are fine
Girls:
And now our friends are fine!
Ginny:
We should be glad that everybody’s okay!
We’re stronger, better combined!
All:
We’re all in this together!
We’re all glad this is done
Wasn’t fun
The attacks here
We’re all in this together
It was nobody’s fault
Slyth’rin’s vault
Opened by You-Know-Who
All: Together, together
Together everyone!
Together, together!
Come on, the year is done!
Together, we’re there for
Each other every day!
Together, together
Our friends are back, hooray!
(The previously petrified people run in)
Hermione:
We’re all here
And feeling good as new now
We’re happy to be back
Petrified people:
Happy to be back!
Hermione:
And Riddle’s gone
So life is really good again
Like before the attacks.
Ron:
You’re alive!
It’s great to see you back here
Gimme a hug… or a handshake works too…
All:
We’re all in this together!
We’re all glad this is done
Wasn’t fun
The attacks here
We’re all in this together
It was nobody’s fault
Slyth’rin’s vault
Opened by You-Know-Who
We’re all in this together
We’re alive
No one died
Homicidal freak is gone
We’re all in this together
Once we see
We’re all right
We unite and we sing this song.
Harry:
Hogwarts, sing along!
Come on ,Hermy! Ginny! Ron!
Ron:
Yeah, Gryffindor House!
Glad we got that Slyth’rin louse!
All:
Hogwarts, everywhere!
Wave your hands up in the air!
That’s the way we do it
Let’s get to it
Time to show the world!
All:
We’re all in this together!
We’re all glad this is done
Wasn’t fun
The attacks here
We’re all in this together
It was nobody’s fault
Slyth’rin’s vault
Opened by You-Know-Who
We’re all in this together
We’re alive
No one died
Homicidal freak is gone
We’re all in this together
Once we see
We’re all right
We unite and we sing this song.
Hogwarts, sing along!
Come on, Hermy! Ginny! Ron!
Yeah, Gryffindor House!
Glad we got that Slytherin louse!
Hogwarts, everywhere!
Wave your hands up in the air!
That’s the way we do it
Let’s get to it
Come on, everyone!