Phases of Learning by Pondering
Chapter Two: To Live
With a thud, George landed heavily near the Apparation point in the Leaky Cauldron. The pub was full of witches and wizards talking, laughing, and generally having a good time. For a moment he just stood dazed in his corner, wondering why everyone else could seem so happy. But then he shook his head. Negative thoughts were not going to affect him right now. Now, he was going to be positive. Now, he had remembered how to laugh.
However, his feet remained stuck to the ground as if he had forgotten something as simple as walking. For moments that seemed like minutes he stayed glued to the spot, fixated by something as simple as everyday magical life going on in front of his eyes. He had to learn how to be part of that life again, learn how to be able to live his own life again, for now he had no twin to live it with.
His legs seemed to tremble beneath him as he walked out of the Leaky Cauldron and into the courtyard with the brick archway that led into Diagon Alley. Out of his pocket he removed his wand. It almost seemed dusty from lack of use. He quickly prodded the bricks in the correct order and they moved open in front of him, showing him a place that he used to visit every day, a place he once knew as well as the placement of the freckles on Fred’s face. But now, George thought that Diagon Alley had changed.
The last time George had visited Diagon Alley had been in the peak of wartime, where many shop windows were boarded up, their owners had fled the country. But as he looked around, the place was loud, humming and vibrant, with many people that George could only see as prospective customers.
Could it really be that easy? he asked himself, to change from the mindset of grieving brother to optimistic businessman?
His feet thudded down the familiar road, and he did not have to pay any attention to them to know where they would be heading. So he kept his face down, scared that if he was confronted with it too soon, he would run away and flee. Then Fred would call him a coward, and tease him about it for the rest of the month.
But of course, Fred wasn’t there anymore to tease him about anything.
His pace came to a gradual halt and he knew he had arrived at his destination. He knew that he still wasn’t ready to look yet, knew that if he glimpsed into the windows of the shop he would expect his twin to be standing there, serving the customers or answering their questions.
George could hear Fred’s voice clearly in his head as if his twin were still standing right next to him.
“Come on, George!” Fred called, and George looked up, feeling a small ball of hope forming in his heart. For a moment he saw Fred, waving to him and beckoning him inside. “The door’s not going to open itself, you know!” Then, after a second of hesitation, Fred put a finger on his chin in mock thoughtfulness. “Actually, that may be something worth looking into.”
George’s world spun in a wave of euphoria. Fred. Fred was right there. He took a slow step towards the door, reaching his hand out. But for a moment, he blinked, and when he opened his eyes again, Fred was gone.
If the euphoria had been a wave, the disappointment was like being pushed off a cliff. For a moment, just a moment, he had seen his twin again, but it had only just been a figment of his imagination. He shook, unsure if he would be able to remain standing any longer.
It was too soon. It was much too soon.
He half expected to whirl around and run back in the other direction, as far away from Weasleys’ Wizarding Wheezes as he could possibly manage, but he did not. Instead, in false calmness, he turned and walked away, the only sign displaying his upset the wobbling of his knees.
George sat down on the couch at Grimmauld Place, wondering if it was worth the bother to ever stand up again. He wanted to sleep, he wanted to forget that he had done such a foolish thing as travel to Diagon Alley under the pretence that he was ready to face all the memories.
Will I ever be able to set foot in the store again? he asked himself. He slumped down onto the couch and sneaked a glance at the watch on his wrist. Maybe I just need a little more time.
“Time?” asked Fred. “Don’t you remember that time is Galleons?”*
George shot upright, trying to figure out where the voice was coming from. He caught a glimpse of his own spooked face, but there didn’t seem to be anyone standing behind him. He was imagining things. He had to be.
Softly, he spoke to his own reflection, because he did not know where else to direct the question. “How can I think about money at a time like this?”
“Well, think of this way,” Fred suggested. “At least you don’t have to share the money with me anymore. But, if you’re feeling generous, you could always buy Ronnie some new dress robes. I think he’s outgrown his last pair.”
“I don’t want robes!” George shouted at himself.
“Then what do you want?” Fred asked, his voice mingled with a tinge of curiousity.
George looked at himself in the mirror, but he was really seeing Fred’s face, super-imposed over his own. Not that there was much difference, but George could tell.
“I want…” his voice trailed off. He glared at the image in the mirror and Fred glared back at him. “…my twin brother.” When he looked in the mirror again, the face staring back at him was his own.
“Who are you talking to?” asked a voice that, thankfully, wasn’t Fred’s. Harry edged into the door and George found some relief in the fact that this voice, at least, was real.
“No one,” George said unconvincingly.
“Were you laughing this morning as well?” Harry asked. “Because I came back in here because I forgot some necessary documents to work, and I just heard this voice laughing and laughing and laughing…”
“Maybe you’re hearing things?” George suggested lightly.
Harry looked at him and frowned, his eyes filled with pity. George did not like that look. In experience, it would be most likely be followed by ‘why don’t you get out a little more?’
“Anyway,” Harry said in an attempt to break the awkward silence, “I just came back here to nab some lunch. Those cafés in London are expensive. Sorry if I was…interrupting anything.”
George shook his head. “No, you weren’t.” For some reason he did not understand, the full story started to spill out of him. Maybe it was because he had no-one else to confide in. In the past, his twin had always been his confidant. “I went to Diagon Alley today,” George said sharply. He had not realised how long it had taken to say this until he saw Harry slipping back into the room with a roll in his hand.
“Why?” Harry asked through a mouthful of cheese and lettuce.
“I wanted to go back to work,” George confessed. “But I couldn’t. And now I don’t know if I want to go to Verity’s birthday party tomorrow.” He half-expected Harry to question him, ask him why, and George did not feel that he was up to answering those questions. In the past, confiding hadn’t been so hard. He’d never have to tell Fred anything, because Fred just always knew.
However, Harry did not say anything. Instead, he gave George a clear nod that said, I understand. Then Harry smiled encouragingly, showing George more mashed up food than George would have liked.
“Gottago,” Harry grunted through an obscenely large bite of roll. George waved him good-bye, but then Harry paused at the door thoughtfully, trying to swallow his food. “I think you should go to the party,” Harry said. “Just because…you can always count on your friends to cheer you up when you’re down.”
“Thanks, Harry,” George said hoarsely. “I think I will.”
Harry smiled brightly then looked at his own watch, which he had received for his seventeenth birthday. “Damn, I really should get going if I don’t want to get in trouble again,” he muttered. “Bye!” With that, Harry raced out the door and George heard the faint crack of Disapparation.
Applying a final quick-drying charm to his hair, George decided he was as presentable as he could be at the moment. At least he no longer looked like he had spent the past five months sleeping.
He had found the name of the restaurant in one of the letters he had not previously opened. It was a new establishment that had sprung up on the edges of Hogsmeade, called ‘The Golden Dragon Egg’.
George sincerely hoped that they didn’t actually serve dragon eggs as he quickly grabbed Verity’s present and Apparated hastily as he was already running late. Luckily, he arrived in one piece and hurried to the restaurant.
There was a ‘Please Wait Here’ sign right in the entrance of the restaurant, but he didn’t linger for long. A girl he remembered vaguely from Hogwarts rushed in, and looked George up and down.
“Table for one?” she asked kindly.
George had sat at too many tables by himself these past few months and he wasn’t going too any longer. “No, actually I have a grouping with Lee Jordan and Verity—”
“Ah, yes, I see,” the girl interrupted him, as she traced her finger down a long list of names. “I think they were under the impression you weren’t coming? Anyway, they’re over this way.”
She led him through the restaurant and George carefully observed the food on the patrons’ plates. Thankfully, there were no dragon eggs to be seen.
“Here you go,” she said unnecessarily, as George had just sighted his friends. “I hope you have a pleasant meal.” She turned around to go back to the front desk.
“George!” Verity shouted a little too loudly. “I thought you weren’t coming. Well, we saved a seat for you.” She patted down the chair next to her and George took it. “I’m sorry for sending you so many letters,” she mumbled apologetically. “I don’t want to be a hassle.”
George was slightly alarmed as it wasn’t Verity’s fault at all. “No, it’s quite alright,” he reassured her, “and I got you a present,” he said, taking it slowly out of his pocket and handing it to her.
The wrapping paper was rather gaudy and bright, but Verity smiled at it anyway and then looked up at George. “Thank you for thinking of me. I’ll be sure to unwrap it after we’ve eaten.”
Lee clapped him on the back. “I saw you today, mate,” he said quietly.
George nodded silently. “I was going to come back to work, but I just can’t…” He shut his eyes. “Just not right now. I’m sorry for dumping all the jobs onto you guys.”
Under the table, Verity squeezed his hand. “It’s okay,” she told him. “You don’t have to come back until you’re ready.
“Although,” Lee piped in, “if you really feel that guilty you could give us a pay rise.” He finished with a laugh, his hand absent-mindedly poking the tablecloth with a fork.
Verity glared at him. “Lee!” she shouted.
Lee chuckled and apologised, but George didn’t think he looked very sorry. “I joke, George. You know that.”
George grinned. Harry was right. He could rely on his friends for support and he didn’t have to explain anything. He had wasted time these past few months wondering if life would ever be fun again without his twin brother. But couldn’t life be fun with his best friends as well? “Hopefully someday soon I’ll come back. But in the meantime, I can replenish the stock at home, with some help from Ron. He can also help you guys out at the shop, if he wants. He’s been looking for a job for the past few months, and seeing as the shop needs more people…”
“That’s great!” Verity said enthusiastically, while stroking George’s hand with her thumb. “I can also find out if any of my old school friends need jobs as well. Replenishing all the stock might take a little while, especially as we’re getting ready for Christmas, but it’ll be worth it. It’s a great store.” She grinned happily at George. “I feel honoured for working there.”
George realised he had forgotten something. “Wait, where do I order?” he asked. Lee burst into laughter, which could never be a good thing.
“I’ve heard the Golden Dragon Egg is rather big, so I’ll probably need some help, you know,” he said, grinning.
“You didn’t…” George said in horror.
“How could I pass up the opportunity?” Lee smiled.
Verity let go of George’s hand under the table, and gave him a sly look, which George felt sure he had completely imagined. She then turned to Lee and rolled her eyes at him. “You’re an idiot. Golden Dragon Eggs are disgusting.”
“They’re not really golden dragon eggs, are they?” George asked.
Verity giggled and batted George lightly in the arm. “Of course not, silly, as if people want to get their arms ripped off while gathering food. It’s just the name of their most famous dish. It takes a while to prepare. But,” she lowered her voice so a passing waitress would not hear, “I heard it tastes awful.”
“I can’t wait to try it.” George affirmed.
Lee looked up from the salt and pepper shakers he was playing with. “Neither can I,” he said, fixing both Verity and George with a cheeky grin. “Oops,” he said as he accidentally sprinkled pepper on the sleeve of George’s robe, causing him to sneeze. George waved his sleeve in Lee’s face. “You did that on purpose!” he accused, smiling all the while.
Lee said nothing but grin, and George felt his own grin widen. He hadn’t felt this alive in months. Just because his twin had moved on did not mean that George had to feel dead as well. Fred wouldn’t want him to remain entrenched in the depths of grief forever, Fred would want him to enjoy all the experiences and laughs life had to offer, and George was going to start by eating this 'Golden Dragon Egg', whatever it was.
A/N: *Line partly taken from p.66 of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, UK Paperback edition.