Why then, was there nevertheless a reluctant, unbidden, uncalled-for flutter in my heart whenever I saw the first burst of green in the spring, protruding through the snow defiantly, impertinently making its way into my perfect monochrome world? Why would I go looking for it whenever the opaque whiteness of the snow started turning transparent, at the beginning of every winter's end? Why did I bring her to see it, that one winter?..
Panting, gulping mouthfuls of sharply cold air, a boy of ten came to a slippery halt in front of a fence gate, clutching on it for a moment to avoid falling. Pausing only to catch his breath, he pushed the gate and let himself into the back yard of a small house. A handful of wet snow was scooped up and aimed carefully at a second-floor window.
A silhouette appeared in the window briefly before disappearing. The boy plodded through the snow back and forth for a few minutes, his head snapping around an instant before the back door flew open to reveal a beaming redhead.
"Sev!"
The boy was forced to catch his breath again, robbed short of it for some unknown reason.
"Can you come with me? There's something I want to show you," he ventured by way of greeting. At the age of ten, it had not occurred to Severus Snape to be well-mannered. Fortunately, to the ten-year-old Lily Evans, it had not occurred to be offended by the lack of words held in such high regards by many others.
"Of course! Mum! I'm off to play!" the girl called over her shoulder, to be answered with 'Don't stay out too late! And wear your scarf!'
"Ewww, scarves," Lily commented, wrenching the emerald-colored thing off her neck as soon as the two turned a corner.
"I hate scarves. I feel like they're choking me whenever I wear one," she confessed. Severus regarded the scarf in her hands thoughtfully.
"I don't mind scarves."
"Oh, good. You can wear it instead, then," Lily stated happily, throwing the scarf to him. "Now, what was it you wanted to show me?"
"Oh, right… Follow me."
He was happy to find the place exactly as he had left it. A patch of brilliant, pristine white with a tiny green shoot in the middle.
"Here," he pointed, stopping close enough to see but just beyond the untouched white area and dropping to his knees so that Lily could see better. She stopped exactly next to him.
"What is it?"
"It may be a snowdrop, actually…" he was not sure of that yet, and made a note to come back later and see whether his guess was correct. "But that's not what's so special about it. The special thing is… it's the first flower around."
At least, the first one he had been able to find. But correcting himself like that would have taken away from the moment.
Lily was silent. Severus fiddled with the edge of the scarf he had wrapped around his neck, feeling more foolish by the second. He had thought it so special, but it probably didn't seem much to her…
"It's beautiful, Sev," she spoke suddenly.
"Is it?" he looked up, his mouth curling into a small smile despite himself.
Lily nodded and knelt next to him in the snow.
"I wish I could stay here all day, and night, and the next day," she said after a long silence.
"What for?"
"To see it grow."
It had never occurred to him to come back to the same spot twice, let alone stay there. The perfect moment was when he would find the little green shoot. Coming back to it again would either be settling for less than before, or worse, rendering the first moment imperfect.
Yet they did come back again the next day. And the next. While the snow melted slowly, while the snowdrop – his guess turned out to have been right after all – grew from the tiny sprout into a beautiful harmony of green and white.
And somehow, despite all logic, every day, every moment… was perfect.
Had there been a Hogwarts House with a black-and-white crest, it would have been much easier. It would be too much to ask for perfection – but at least I could have achieved some form of simplicity. As it were, there was only one House I could see myself in, the only color I would allow to be emblazoned on the blessedly black school robes. Silver, after all, could pass for white in an appropriate light. Therefore, the status quo had been resumed, with the minimum possible concession to the rest of the world.
In a way, a form of simplicity had been attained after all. I was in my perfect monochrome world again, and it mattered not what went on around me, as long as my involvement in it was minimum, be it achieved by ignoring, running, mastering the Shield charm uncannily early, or, when all else failed, gritting my teeth and doing my best to detach myself from whatever was happening. Whether able to walk away, wand in hand, or, more often than not, left alone, wand to be retrieved from a considerable distance later – it was minimum involvement, unavoidable, and bound to end sooner or later.
Why, then, did I have to complicate it? Why did I feel necessary to get involved with the rest of the world in more ways than those that were inevitable? Why did I never abandon the ridiculous hope to bring an unsuspecting ally onto my side in the eternal battle between my world and the rest?
"Aren't you going to Hogsmeade, Sev?"
A boy of fourteen stopped at the sound of a voice behind his back and turned slowly. It would have been more impressive to do a quick turn, with the appropriate swish and swirl of the black cloak worn over the likewise black robes, but it was better to be unimpressive on purpose than trying to impress and failing, the chance of which was rather high, in view of the knee-deep snow.
"I'm not."
"Why not? Come on, it'll be fun!"
"I don't think so. Not for me, at least. You go ahead, Lily."
"Sev…" Lily shook her head, taking his hand. Severus glanced at her fingers, gloved in the bright Gryffindor colors, wishing he could persuade himself to pull away.
"Are you upset? You used to never mind Hogsmeade before. Is something the matter?" she added, her eyes narrowing a little.
Nothing was the matter. At least, the fact that a certain group of people had promised to hex him all the way back to the castle if he showed his face in the Three Broomsticks again, was not the matter. Nor was it the reason for his avoiding the town today.
"Everything's alright, Lily. Honestly. I just don't want to got to Hogsmeade today, that's all."
"Why did you leave the castle then?"
"There can be more than one place of interest in the area, you know," he smiled with what he had hoped was an air of intrigue. Lily's green eyes lit up instantly.
"I'm listening."
"There's no point in telling, it's something you'd have to see. But since you're going to Hogsmeade…"
"I'd rather go with you."
He managed to stop himself in time from asking 'you would?' incredulously. First of all, Lily Evans always meant what she said. Besides, it would not do to sound so… hopeful. Desperate, even.
"Follow me, then."
"Okay. But first…" she pulled her scarf off and threw it around his neck. Severus barely stopped himself from recoiling.
"What's that for?"
"First of all, you know how I hate scarves. Second, I have a feeling that wherever we're going, we may get in trouble for it."
"So you decided to disguise me as a Gryffindor," he chuckled in his best shot at sarcasm. "How noble."
"It's not a disguise, you silly. Call it a mark of a partner-in-crime. Now we both have the same colors - black and red," she waved her gloved hands in the air.
"And green," he added, failing to catch himself this time. Lily looked at herself curiously.
"I don't see any green on me."
"You wouldn't," Severus chuckled again, genuinely this time, and let her curiosity build for half a minute before adding, "it's your eyes that are green."
"Oh!"
She laughed. He turned quickly, suddenly feeling his cheeks growing uncomfortably warm.
"Come on, then."
They trudged through the snow for half an hour before arriving at another place he had discovered in his endless search for monochrome perfection. A lake deep in the Forbidden Forest, overhung by branches heavy with snow, covered with a thick coat of ice.
He led her through a narrow passage in the undergrowth, concealed so well that an observer would have believed that they Apparated into the middle of the scene.
"It's beautiful, Sev," Lily whispered. Unable to conceal a smile, he walked onto the ice, pulling her after him.
"It's safe, don't worry. Don't slip. Stand still," he instructed as they reached the center of the lake.
Kneeling on the ice, he drew his wand and pressed the tip to the whiteness underneath them, muttering an incantation softly, his eyes closed in concentration. As soon as he heard a gasp from Lily, he knew he had succeeded, and got to his feet before looking around.
The lake was now alit from underneath, the ice turned transparent, the entire forest alcove illuminated by a green glow, snow crystals glittering like emeralds… like Lily's eyes.
"Amazing…I never thought green could be so beautiful," she smiled.
"It can alright," he muttered quietly.
They remained at the lake until dark, and a little more still. Then they walked to the castle, still dressed in black and red, and each with a little green, and it was only before the entrance to the Slytherin common room that Severus remembered to pull the scarf off his neck and stuff it quickly into his pocket.
Whoever invented the Killing Curse must have been a person with an uncanny sense of irony. The most fearsome curse ever, the mighty Unforgivable, instantaneous death… served in the color green. I could hardly blame the inventor of Morsmordre for borrowing the idea.
The only color I would ever let into my perfect monochrome world. The color that made sure my world remained monochrome. The color that removed all complications. Yet failed to answer any questions.
A young man of twenty-two stood in the middle of a snowy field. The world was monochrome now. But hardly perfect.