Two days later, Rose had gotten nowhere with Severus. She had only managed to have a few short conversations with him. He’d been keen on finding out how she’d prepared the antidote on her own and she had had to confess that it had really been James. He was the Potions genius – she’d only done the stirring and adding and pouring. James had adjusted Severus’s own instructions and added dittany to help scarring as an added benefit. It had take Rose a moment to realize that Severus looked impressed – she hadn’t thought it possible. He’d also wanted to know how she’d managed to get a Time Turner and she’d relayed the tale of impersonation to him while he’d added spider’s legs to his potion.
And two days later, the potion was finally complete. It took much less time than Rose had expected but Severus warned her that he could not be sure it would work. They needed to test it. They gave James the potion a day later, when he’d finally risen from a particularly deep sleep. Hugo had slept for unusually long too, Rose recalled.
Rose, Lily and Albus stood aside, watching as Snape handed the cup to James, who gulped it down. He shuddered and wrinkled his nose at the taste.
‘Disgusting,’ he muttered, flopping back down onto the bed. The bags under his eyes were even more prominent than usual. The pain in his eyes didn’t seem unusual anymore. Rose could hardly remember how he’d looked when he’d been healthy.
‘As long as it works,’ said Albus from over Rose’s shoulder.
Snape didn’t say anything. Simply watched his patient.
That night, when Severus had retired to his room and Lily and Albus had decided to go to Diagon Alley to pick up some Firewhiskey, Rose visited James with a cup of juice. She needed to know if the potion had worked or was working. If it hadn’t done either, then Severus would have to start again.
A candle on James’s bedside table was lit, its flame swaying in the breeze that entered through the slightly opened window. A sliver of white moonlight fell onto James’s still figure in the bed from the crack in the curtains.
‘Are you awake?’ asked Rose softly, walking up to the bed.
James shifted slightly on the mattress to face her. ‘Yeah.’
‘Did it work?’ she asked excitedly, handing him the glass of juice. He took it and set it down next to the candle without a sip.
‘Yeah, it did,’ he replied, not looking at her. He turned to his right again and gazed out of the window.
The excitement Rose felt at his words was overwhelming and she would have run right out of the room and shouted for the whole world to hear that the cure worked if she hadn’t noticed James’s expression.
Her heart dropped through her stomach. ‘It didn’t work?’
‘No, no, no, it did,’ insisted James, still not looking at her. The candle flame was put out by a particularly exuberant gust of wind that ruffled James’s hair as it swept past and slapped Rose’s cheeks good naturedly. ‘It definitely did. I feel better than I have in days.’
‘But not better than ever?’ asked Rose, sitting down on his bed. His words had been chosen carefully, Rose could tell. And she didn’t like the red signal her brain was flashing at her.
When James didn’t reply Rose felt panic well up in her throat. ‘What’s wrong James?’ she exclaimed, put a hand on his shoulder and shaking gently.
He moved his face an inch and moonlight fell across it. The tears in his eyes suddenly glittered. Rose’s heart pounded in her chest and she leaned over James until their faces were mere inches away. The fact that the disease could spread by contact – James may have been better, but anything he’d touched (like his blanket) could still be dangerous – didn’t matter anymore. ‘What happened?’ she asked forcefully. ‘Tell me, please James. Does it hurt more? Should I get Se – Snape?’
She moved to get up off the bed but James pulled her down again to her previous position. ‘Snape can’t do anything more and he’s already done enough. His cure works.’
‘I don’t understand.’
James met Rose’s glance. She was so close to his face that she only saw his eyes, the deep blue of them, the tears glittering at the edges. ‘I’m dying Rosie,’ he muttered and she sensed the willpower it took to say the words.
‘What?’ breathed Rose. She moved back ever so slightly, feeling and looking flabbergasted. ‘But it worked! It worked! You said it worked!’
‘It worked… too late.’
‘How do you know? Maybe that’s just how you feel now, I mean – tomorrow—’
James’s gaze was pitying now. ‘There isn’t going to be a tomorrow.’
‘What? No!’ cried Rose, and she jumped off of the bed, away from her cousin. ‘What?’ Tears spilled down her cheeks. ‘I’m going to get Severus, he’ll think of—’
‘Rosie!’ said James, turning over to face her, face full of emotion. ‘Don’t you get it? It is over! I know – I can feel it. The potion made the pain go away but I can feel my heart! It isn’t regular, it isn’t normal, something is wrong. It’s too late. The potion eradicated whatever was causing the disease but it couldn’t repair major damage. The pain is gone, it fixed almost everything. But my heart… it didn’t get there. Probably it couldn’t. I don’t know. Maybe it was just meant to happen, maybe the disease didn’t even get to my heart, and maybe something else happened—’
‘NO!’ screeched Rose, almost hysterical. ‘I won’t let this happen! Severus can fix it, I’ll get him to!’
James shook his head and reached out to her. He took her hand and pulled her to the bed again, though she tried to protest. Tears spilled down her cheeks as she took a seat on the bed again, James’s hand still clutching hers. ‘Snape can’t do anything. Any potion will take days to make and I only have hours. And there isn’t an existing potion,’ he added, reading the expression on her face. ‘I know, I’ve looked through everything.’
‘This isn’t – fair!’ Rose exclaimed, wrenching her hand out of James grasp. She wanted to grab something and strangle it with all her might, she wanted to kick and scream until her limbs ached and her throat was raw. This couldn’t happen, not now, not again.
‘You think that I think it is?’ said James incredulously; sitting up in bed slightly, back against his pillow, looking at Rose. ‘I want to live Rose! I thought I would get better, I thought everything was going to be okay. I’m nineteen. I haven’t had a chance to be alive yet and now? Every single thing I’ve ever hoped and wanted to do? Snatched away. I won’t grow up, I won’t ever have a job or get to earn money, I won’t marry my girlfriend after five years of dating, I won’t have any children, I’ll never be anyone! I’m James Potter, nineteen years and three months – forever. How is that fair?’ He was crying freely now, along with Rose.
Rose hiccupped slightly and tried to control her sobs; she wanted to comfort James.
‘You won’t feel anything; you’ll just slip away while you sleep—’
‘Would you be able to sleep?’
‘At least you’ll be here then,’ tried Rose. ‘At least you won’t…’
‘Lose my mind?’ James’s voice wavered slightly. ‘No – I’ll be here. No one will know how it feels, none of you, I’ll just be here tonight and not tomorrow morning. You’ll just know I’ve died. I’ll know though.’
Rose grabbed James’s hand fiercely. ‘I’ll be here anyway. I’m not leaving.’
James managed a small smile at that and squeezed her hand back.
‘D’you,’ he paused a moment, fresh tears dripping from his chin. ‘D’you think you could – I want Mum and Dad. Please.’
Rose swallowed hard. How would she tell Ginny and Harry? How would she tell them? ‘Of course, I’ll go owl them, shall I?’
There was no need. The words were hardly out of her mouth when a frantic looking Harry and Ginny walked in. James tried for a moment to hold back the tears, but their sudden appearance only weakened his resolve and his was crying as his mother’s arms wrapped around him. Tears spread down Ginny’s pretty cheeks.
Rose stepped away as Harry moved forward. She’d never, ever seen her uncle cry, but he was crying now. Her heart ached for them and she hated herself passionately in that moment. What had she done?
She backed out of the door quietly and shut it, to find Severus Snape standing outside in the hall.
‘I owled them,’ he said curtly, answering her unasked question. ‘I heard your shouts.’
‘Thank you,’ Rose managed to choke out. Her throat hurt terribly as she tried to control the flood of tears that threatened to spill over her eyelids. A few salty drops escaped and trickled down her cheeks and nose. Rose looked away from Snape and tried to block out the sorrowful sounds coming from the room.
She wished he would pull her to him, or take her hand.
Something. Anything.
He didn’t.