“Lily,” James moaned, sliding into the seat next to her at dinner. “This is so gross.”
Lily kept eating her kidney pie. It had been four days since James had agreed to keep their secret. Four long, excruciating days that Lily wished she could simply forget.
From the moment he’d agreed to keep his silence, James had been a nightmare. For two days he had snapped at everyone, thrown tantrums and generally acted like an insulted hippogriff. He was not used to all the hormones running though his system and had suffered from PMS so terrible, that at once stage McGonagall had sent him to the hospital wing out of sheer irritation. Lily wasn’t sure, but she had an inclination that James had been hamming it up a bit, just to annoy her. She wouldn’t put it past James to make her suffer.
However, if that had been bad, the moment James had actually got his period he’d become even worse. Moody James was replaced by whining, complaining James. And as Lily was the only one aware of the full situation, and partly (well, mostly) responsible, he had spent two entire days complaining to her. He was so irritating that Lily was beginning to wish that the hormonal James was back. At least it had been partially entertaining.
“Seriously, Lily,” James continued, ignoring her silence. “It feels like I’m…”
“Enough, James!” Lily spat, slamming her fist on the table. The first year sitting next to her eyed the two of them warily. “About one in five girls are going through the same thing in this hall, so if you don’t change the subject, I’ll hex you!”
“But…” James trailed off when Lily shot him a look so cold, it could have frozen a phoenix. James paused for a moment and tilted his head to the side as though a thought had hit him. Before Lily had a chance to even dread what he was about to do, James sat up straight and looked Lily in the eye. “Okay, fine. I think we should call our first child Charissa.”
“What?” Lily dropped her glass of, thankfully empty, pumpkin juice.
“I’m changing the subject, just as you asked,” James replied with a cheery smile. “Charissa means beloved or loved one. If she looks anything like you, she’ll be a little angel. Plus, Charissa Lily Potter has such a nice ring to it and “”
“James,” Lily cut him off before he could go any further. “We are not going to have a daughter!”
“Oh,” James paused, digesting the information. “You think it will be a boy? Jeez, Lily, I hadn’t even considered that. I’ve always pictured a little girl with bright red hair, green eyes and amazing Quidditch skills.” James shrugged. “Not that I would mind a little boy, I would love him just the same. So, if you’re sure, we should probably start thinking about names. Any male names you particularly like?”
Lily rolled her eyes. He was a nutcase. “James, can you please go back to complaining already.”
“No, this is a far better topic of conversation,” James grinned. “Besides, we have to start talking about it sometime.”
“Only when we have children,” Lily said, before realising her mistake. “No wait, I mean, if we have children. IF we have children, which we definitely won’t.”
“In denial, Lily,” James murmured, shaking his head. “You may as well just accept it. Okay, say we are not talking about us. What would you name your son?”
“Not important,” Lily said dismissively. “Oh, and I’ve been meaning to ask you, what’s the Marauders Map? I overheard Remus and Peter talking about it last night.”
“It’s a map we created; I think I mentioned it when I told you about “” James went completely pale. “Oh, no, full moon is coming up. I can’t believe I forgot about it!”
Lily’s face went even paler. How could she have forgotten? Sirius, Remus and Peter had even made references to it a few times. She looked up at the moon; it was nearly full. Full moon was only two nights away. They would have to come up with a plan, and fast.
“What are we going to do?” she asked James in a panicked voice.
“What’s wrong with you two?” Remus asked as he sat down, looking at Lily and James’ worried expressions. “You look as though you’ve seen a ghost.”
“Yeah, there are about five in this room,” pointed out Sirius, joining them. He turned to James and Lily, eying them sceptically. “Something is definitely up with these two though. Do you reckon the power has gotten to their heads?” Sirius smirked. “Get it, Heads?”
Lily ignored Sirius’ pun. She glanced over at James and could see that he was deep in thought. She relaxed slightly. Hopefully James could come up with some sort of plan. Perhaps she would even be able to transform. A thrill ran though her, it would be exciting to morph into an animal, if it was possible. She’d love to run around as a stag.
James broke her out of her thoughts, “James and I have to go to Head’s dormitory.”
Before Lily even had the chance to register what he had said, James had grabbed her wrist and dragged her out of the room.
After watching them exit the Hall, Remus turned to Sirius, “I didn’t know there was a Head’s dormitory.”
Sirius shuffled over to where Lily had previously been sitting, and begun to shove the remaining kidney pie into his mouth. “Who knows, Moony, who knows…”
Accidentally knocking over a mop, Lily turned to the person occupying her body, “James, what are we doing in a broom closet?”
“It’s a good place to meet,” he replied smoothly, sitting down on the dusty, cluttered floor. “Don’t you recognise it? We’ve conversed here before.”
Lily sighed; all the stresses of the few days had clearly pushed James over the edge. It was cruel of her to allow him to continue in the madness, so she made a mental note to find him good therapist when it was all over. “Why did you say we were going to the Head’s dormitory?”
James shrugged, “It’s a good code-word for when we want to make out later on.”
She scratched the therapist idea. James hadn’t been affected at all. “Right, I’ll store that in the, ‘it’s never going to happen’ section of my brain.” Lily quickly got the point. “What are we going to do about full moon? Can you teach me to transform? Could you transform yourself?”
James shook his head, “No and no. I actually tried to in your body, it doesn’t work. You see, transforming is both a mental and physical thing. You need to cast a whole lot of spells on your body to make it work, but you also have to be mentally able. I can’t teach you that in three days, when it took us the better part of three years. Neither of us can do it by full moon.”
“So, what are we going to do?” Lily asked, her voice growing in urgency. If neither of them could transform, then they might have to come out with the truth. Her heart sunk, they’d come so far to be foiled at the last minute.
“I have a cunning plan, hence why I suggested we meet here.” James waved his arm, gesturing to their surroundings, managing to knock over two broomsticks and a mop in the process. “There was one time in sixth year Sirius couldn’t come along because he had a detention. Ever since then, we’ve all been careful the few days leading up to full moon but…”
“So your suggestion is I actually try and get a detention?” Lily said sarcastically. James smirked. “That’s a stupid plan!” she retorted.
“You got anything better?” James asked, raising his perfectly sculptured eyebrows.
“No,” Lily admitted.
“Well, I suggest we now leave the Head’s dormitory,” James declared, pushing the door open with his foot. Lily rolled her eyes and got up to leave, but James pushed in front of her.
“Ladies first,” he said, skipping out into the light.
“Eric?” James asked Lily, reaching over to grab her glass of pumpkin juice to take a sip.
“I know I look like a guy,” Lily scowled, grabbed a new glass and poured herself a drink. “But my name is Lily, remember James?
“No, I mean for naming your son. I remember you said once that you liked it.” James had actually read it in her diary, but he wasn’t exactly going to tell her that. It seemed that the only thing that made him feel better on his hormonal days was reading Lily’s diary. Even now, he was mortally afraid that his robes were going to be stained. Although it wasn’t quite as bad as he had expected, he was still glad that he would never, ever, have to do it again.
As for the name he’d found written in her diary, he personally wasn’t overly fond of it, but if that was what Lily wanted, then he could live with it. Eric Potter didn’t have the best ring to it, but it would do. As long as it was their child, he’d be happy.
Lily narrowed her eyes, “I do like the name, but I don’t ever recall saying it out loud.”
Damn it, thought James. She’s too smart for her own good.
“So,” he ventured, moving the conversation away from dangerous areas. “That’s a no on baby Eric Potter?”
“That’s a no on any baby Potters that are related to me,” Lily said. “So stop trying to guess names. How is the plan going?”
“Lily, for your benefit, I have compiled a list.” He reached into his robes and pulled out a scroll of parchment with a flourish. It had taken him a long time, but he was fairly sure he had gotten everything down. “I believe you will find it most instructive.”
Lily grabbed the scroll from James’ hand. As she unravelled it, he watched her eyes widen as they flickered over the words. It was a comprehensive list of things he had received a detention for. It reached the ground.
53. Not doing homework
54. Talking in class
55. Dancing in class
56. Singing opera in class
57. Causing all of the Slytherins in class to sing opera
Lily looked up from the list, “When was that?”
James looked into the distance, reliving the memory. “Ah, potions class in January of second year. A beautiful rendition of The Magic Flute by Mozart. Did you know that he was a Muggle-born too? Anyway, you were missing from that class because you had the flu and had to go to the hospital wing to take a potion. The Slytherins were surprisingly good at singing; I especially enjoyed the way Snape sung soprano.”
He saw that Lily tried very hard to frown, but she ended up smiling at him instead. Even though he was in her body, he loved that he had made her do it. “How did Slughorn know it was you?” she asked.
It was a good question, but James didn’t really know the answer. “Common sense I suppose. Most teachers go by the theory ‘guilty until proven innocent’ when it comes to us. Plus, Slughorn’s not stupid. Who else could it be?”
Lily turned back to the list. “Do you think I should try a few things? Will it work?”
James shrugged. “It couldn’t hurt...” He stopped talking as he saw Peter and Remus approaching. Lily followed his gaze.
“We should continue this conversation in private.”
“Head’s dormitory?” James asked.
“Head’s dormitory,” Lily agreed with a small laugh. As crazy as he was, James was definitely entertaining.
Back in the broom closet, James pulled out a scrap of parchment. “I was thinking about the last time I used the Marauder’s Map, and I realised that I had left it in the dungeon.”
“I thought you said it was a map?” Lily asked, staring confused at the paper. “That’s just a scrap of parchment.”
“Ah, Lily, you wound me. This may appear as a just a piece of parchment to most people, but once you have the right words it’s a guide to excellent adventure.” He pulled out his wand and tapped the parchment. “I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.”
“Those are the magic words?”
“Hey, it beats, ‘Abracadabra’ or ‘Despite the fact I’m really hot, I’m a know-it-all who follows the rules’. Although, that isn’t half bad.” He turned to Lily. “If you ever make a map that should be your password.”
“Duly noted. Oh, wow.” Lily watched as ink lines spread all over the page. “Messer’s Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs?”
James nodded as she looked up in disbelief, “A man needs his proper title.” Lily turned back to the map and to her astonishment, she found herself staring at a detailed map of the school.
However, the map itself was not what she found astounding. There were hundreds of tiny dots moving around the castle, each individually named. She could see Sirius, Remus and Peter still at breakfast, Dumbledore in his office and many other students and teachers roaming the corridors.
Excited, she scanned the paper for her own name. With an intake of breath, she discovered that her name was not there once, but twice. There were two dots secluded together in a broom cupboard. But these dots were labelled differently to the others.
One was labelled, James Potter as ‘Lily Evans’ and the other, Lily Evans as ‘James Potter’.
She looked up to see James staring gravely back at her. He obviously already knew. “The Marauder’s Map never lies, Lily. After I got it from the dungeon this morning, I saw what it was written. You see, if you change your appearance in any way, such as polyjuice potion or some other form of magic, the Map can still identify you. But we are different. We didn’t just change our appearance, we actually switched bodies. It seems the Map isn’t exactly sure what to write.”
The bell rang, but neither of them moved. “How do I keep this from your friends?” Lily finally asked. “Sirius asked me if I’d seen the Map yesterday.”
“Just tell them that Filch confiscated it and we’ll break it out of his office as soon as possible. They don’t really need it anyway; we know all the secret passages.” James quickly tapped the parchment. “Mischief managed,” he murmured. “We’ll come back to this later. Right now, it is essential that you get a detention. Are you ready to act like you are actually James Potter?”
Lily gulped, “As ready as I will ever be. Let’s go.”
Lily waltzed into Potions twenty minutes late. She’d spent the previous twenty minutes throwing paint at Slytherin first years, hoping that a teacher would come along and punish her. Usually, she would feel bad about attacking people, but desperate times called for desperate measures. However, that would be too easy. When she was caught by Professor Flitwick, he didn’t hand out any punishment. All he did was confiscate her paint and tell her to go to class. It seemed that he wasn’t particularly fond of the first year Slytherins either. She would have to resort to Plan B.
She hoped that Slughorn might give her a detention for being late, but her hopes were dashed when she saw that he was in a good mood. Looking over at his desk, she could see a fresh box of crystallised pineapple. She cursed the unknown gift giver; Slughorn’s mood would only make her job more difficult. A thought came to her. She raised her hand.
“Yes, Mr. Potter.”
“Professor,” Lily said slowly. “Is there a potion for weight loss?”
“There is, James,” Slughorn replied, obviously perplexed at his question. “However, it is difficult to make and it tastes awful. Why do you ask?”
“I think you should consider taking some, you are after all very fat.”
“What?” Slughorn struggled out. The class turned to stare at him in shock. Sirius stamped on her foot, but she ignored him.
“Haven’t you heard the song about you?” Slughorn’s face was beginning to turn red. “No? I’ll sing it for you.” She stood on her chair and began to sing,
Than the enormous professor, Horace Slughorn,
On sweets and wine he dines all day,
Next to him, others waste away.
Small children, watch out and be alert,
Slughorn may eat you for dessert.”
Finishing the final notes with a flourish, she sat back down. “Well, it’s something like that anyway. The second years sing it all the time. If I were you, I’d do something about it. You don’t want to die young.”
Slughorn’s mouth fell open. Sirius looked at Lily with a mixture of pride and shock. The rest class was trying very hard not to laugh, particularly James, who looked like he was going to explode from the effort. Finally, to Lily’s astonishment and dismay, Slughorn closed his mouth and nodded his head. “You know what, James, I appreciate your honesty. Maybe I have been carrying a bit too much weight. Michael, that is Michael Finwick the Quidditch player for the English side, was saying the same thing the other day. Maybe I could ask him to train me…”
Lily swore under her breath. Getting a detention wasn’t going to be as easy as she thought.
“Adam?”
“No, James. We have more important problems. I still don’t have a detention for tomorrow night. What am I going to do?”
“George? Okay, so recap what you have done so far?”
“Definitely not, stop guessing. I told Slughorn he was fat, stood on a chair in class and sung about it. In Charms, I filled the room with bright pink foam, causing the whole class to evacuate. After lunch, I picked a fight with Peeves in the south corridor on the second floor. They’ll be cleaning that one up for a while. Finally, I charmed the Slytherins to tap dance in Herbology.”
By the time Lily had finished her list, James was laughing so hard he was crying. “Oh, Lily, you may not like what you are doing, but you have to admit that you’ve got great style. I only got the tail end of the fight with Peeves, but from what I saw, it was epic. Slytherin’s tap-dancing in the greenhouses? I now wish that I still did Herbology. I can’t believe you haven’t got one detention.”
Lily sighed, “Well, at least Slughorn decided to change his life.” She put her face in her hands. “I’m so unlucky. Flitwick was so amazed at my spell work that he actually gave me five points for Gryffindor. Peeves was blamed for the corridor we destroyed, even when I said I started it. As for the Slytherins, Professor Sprout ended up joining in their dance. She’s quite the dancer.” Lily laughed, in a humourless way. “Why has everyone in this school gone insane?”
“Because it’s more fun that way,” James said simply. He patted Lily on the shoulder. “Don’t worry about it, Lily, tomorrow I’ll help you get a detention. We’ll figure it out. How about Treg?”
Lily didn’t even dignify his question with an answer. She simply stood up and started heading towards the dormitory.
“It’s a legitimate boy’s name!” he called after her. “I bought a baby names book!”
The next day was a success in some ways, but a failure in others. On one hand, Lily managed to get a detention. In fact, she managed to get six detentions. Unfortunately for her, they were for the six nights following full moon. It seemed all the teachers wanted that particular night free, deeming all her efforts useless.
After a short meeting in the Head’s dormitory, James had decided to take control of the pranks. As much as she hated to admit it to herself, she was having more fun then she had had in years. James was truly a genius when it came planning, and the look on Filch’s face had been priceless. However, as the true coordinator of the pranks, he’d too gotten into trouble. Still, he’d only gotten two detentions. After all, all the teachers loved ‘Lily Evans’.
When he wasn’t devising more evil plans, he’d guessed as many male names as possible. Fitzpatrick, Mervin, Reagan and Galvont were just a few he had come up with. It seemed he had bought a baby names book by owl order. At random times during the day he had called out names, attempting to guess at what she would name her child. Lily had no idea how he had managed to get his hands on the book so quickly, but after all, he was James Potter.
Lily slid down in the seat next to him. Despite all their efforts, full moon was that night and she still didn’t have a detention. Sirius and Peter were already very excited, talking endlessly about plans. Remus was looking nervous. Sirius had taken Lily aside and given her a long lecture on the importance of being well behaved before full moon. He’d gone on to say that while he respected him for finally giving up the ‘Head Boy’ business, he had plenty of time to get back into the game after that evening. The situation was getting rather desperate.
“Okay, this is our last chance,” whispered James. “It’s do or die.”
“So you have a plan?” Lily asked hopefully. James was right, it was their last chance. His plan could save them or condemn them.
James leaned over and whispered something in Lily’s ear. Lily’s eyes widened. “No,” she said, shaking her head. “No, she’ll murder us alive.”
“Come on, Lily!” James slapped her encouragingly on the shoulder. “You know this is our last chance. Plus, I’ll be seen as a god for the rest of eternity.”
Lily shrugged, “I suppose it is your funeral.”
Taking a deep breath, Lily contemplated James’ instructions. He was right; it was almost guaranteed to grant her an immediate detention. Dessert had just appeared on the golden plates. The house-elves had decided to cook pies. She leaned over the table to pick up her weapon; a perfect cream pie. In her hand it felt light; as though it was made to be airborne. She looked at James, who grinned. Come on Lily, she thought to herself, it’s do or die.
Trying not to think of the horrendous consequences, she selected her target. Holding the pie firmly in her right hand, she turned and threw it at the high table.
Time seemed to slow. She knew it was cliché, but it was like waiting for a train to come and hit her. She didn’t even know how the pie was going as far at it was, until she realised James was probably giving it a bit of extra help. Like a pie-shaped bird, it soared the air in a perfect arc until it finally reached its final destination with a splat.
Professor McGonagall’s face.
The entire Hall fell completely silent. Nobody moved as the pie casing slid of her face and fell with a clatter to the table. The sound echoed loudly around the Hall, as loud as a fatal gunshot. Slowly, she raised one hand and wiped the cream from her glasses. Her eyes were blazing with fury.
“POTTER!” McGonagall roared. Lily winced, even though she looked ridiculous, her anger was still frightening. “MY OFFICE, NOW!”
A moment of silence followed her exclamation. However, it didn’t last long. Seconds later, the Hall was filled with the sound of laughter. James had broken down into hysterics, tears rolling down his cheeks. It set off a chain reaction, until the entire Hall was crying with mirth. Even some of the teachers were laughing, but only when Professor McGonagall turned away.
Professor McGonagall’s cream filled eyes narrowed. “Miss Evans, I don’t know how or why, but you are some way connected with this. Both of you, my office, now!”
Scrubbing filthy cauldrons, James couldn’t help but smile. Professor McGonagall had been so furious, that she had decided to lock them in the dungeon to clean through the night. However, regardless of the punishment, James couldn’t remember the last time he had had as much fun. He’d spent the whole day with Lily, talking and playing practical jokes. The pie had been the icing on the cake, so to speak. Lily had carried out his plan with absolute perfection, creating a prank that would go down in history. He would be willing to bet that his friends wouldn’t even care he had missed full moon. Besides, he also got to spend the whole night with Lily, which was definitely a bonus.
“Harry,” Lily’s voice interrupted his thoughts. He looked up to see that she was grinning as well.
“What?” he asked, slopping cold water all over himself. “Who’s Harry?”
“If I had a son,” she explained, her smile even wider then before. “I would call him Harry.”
James hummed to himself as he started on another cauldron. Harry James Potter was perfect.