1. The Death Eater Song (The Jet Song)
DEATH EATERS:
When you’re a Death Eater, it’s all the way
From your wand’s first green jet
To its final A.K.!
When you’re a Death Eater, there’s no escape
Die like Regulus Black
Or else come back like Snape.
You’re pureblood elite
You’re feared and you’re respected
Your foes are dead meat
No matter how protected
Once they’re selected!
Then you are set with a Dark Mark tattoo
That you’ll never forget ‘till they’re burying you
When you eat death, you live for death!
When you’re a Death Eater, you rule the town
You’re a Slytherin kid wearing Ravenclaw’s crown.
We’re royalty, it’s no coincidence
‘Cause we’ve got our own Lord
And our own half-blood Prince!
Death Eaters are here
Lock up your wives and daughters
The Order steers clear
‘Cause friends of Harry Potter’s
Are lousy rotters!
Here come Death Eaters
In mask, cloak, and hood
Someone gets in our way,
Someone don’t feel so good.
Here come Death Eaters
There’s no way to hide
Because Lily and James tried
And both of ‘em died.
We live in disguise
Identities stay hidden
Anonymous guys
Who do the Dark Lord’s biddin’
And we ain’t kiddin’”
When we announce that we’re planning to beat
Every Mudblood we see
As we walk down the street
Down the whole”ever”Muggle-lovin’”street!
2. Something’s Coming
(At the beginning of Goblet of Fire, upon learning of Bertha Jorkins’ disappearance.)
DUMBLEDORE:
Could be…
Oh, no…
There’s something strange going on
Bertha Jorkins is gone
She’s not alone…
No proclamation beaming down from the sky
No reason why
Written in stone.
Unknown…
It’s something beyond my grasp
Cause to sigh or to gasp?
I still can’t tell.
I got a feeling there’s catastrophe due
Nightmares come true
Let loose all hell.
Might it be?
Yes, it might.
Something’s changed just overnight.
Maybe I’m mad.
Something’s changed, and I don’t know
What it is
But it is
Gonna be bad.
With a whimper, with a bang
With a word, or silent pang
It will begin.
Something’s changed, I don’t know when
What’s in store?
Is it war?
And will we win?
Among the shadows
Still cooling, rearranging
There’s something changing”
I know.
Will it be?
Yes, it will
Maybe tears and blood will spill
But it’s too late.
What’s this something?
Is it near?
Will I die?
Should I try
To fight, or just wait?
The air is humming
And something bad is coming
Oh, no…
What it is, I can’t say
Something’s coming any day
Maybe tonight….
3. Tom Riddle (Maria)
TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE: (Having just murdered his father and left in a haze of elation)
The most hideous name I’ve ever heard
Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle
And so common, ungainly, and tame that it’s near absurd.
Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle
Tom Riddle Tom Riddle…
Tom Riddle!
I’ve just killed a man named Tom Riddle!
And suddenly that name
Can never bring more pain to me.
Tom Riddle!
I’ve murdered a man named Tom Riddle!
And suddenly it’s plain
How evanescent names can be.
Tom Riddle!
Say it soft, I can hear him crying.
Say it loud, and I’m watching him dying.
Tom Riddle
I’ll never regret killing Riddle.
Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle
Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle
Tom Riddle, Tom Riddle…
Say it soft, and I hear him pleading
Say it loud, and I’m watching him bleeding.
Tom Riddle
I’ll never again be Tom Riddle!
The most hideous name I’ve ever heard
Tom Riddle…
4. Tonight (Balcony Scene)
(The Ministry, in OotP. Harry and Voldemort are prepared to fight.)
VOLDEMORT: Only you
You’re the only one who’ll die
In this fight.
All my plans
All my schemes
And my darkest, coldest dreams
All have led it seems
To this night.
HARRY:
Don’t expect I’ll be kind with you, Riddle.
Every doubt in my mind matters little.
VOLDEMORT:
Harry Potter!
Only you
Every prophecy says so
Everyone I know agrees.
I will bring you, Potter, to your knees!
HARRY:
Tonight, tonight
It’s going to end tonight.
I knew it when I saw you appear.
Tonight, tonight
Will this be my last night?
Every thought in my brain’s been wiped clear.
Today, I knew from the beginning
That something bad would happen
It looks as though I’m right.
For here you are
And things I once believed
Seem bizarre
Tonight.
VOLDEMORT:
Tonight, tonight
At last I’ll make things right.
I’ll blow your brains all over the place!
Tonight, tonight
You’ll lose your final fight
And your soul will rest somewhere in space.
HARRY:
Today I took the world for granted
A place for me to live in
Without an end in sight…
But here you are
The world’s split open, so has my scar
Tonight!
VOLDEMORT:
Goodnight, goodnight
You’ll sleep forever now
Thanks to me
Tonight!
5. Lord Voldemort (America)
(A few years after Voldemort’s first defeat. Let’s pretend Bellatrix is not in Azkaban.)
BELLATRIX:
Master, Dark Lord
Beloved leader
Cruel and precise as a lawyer.
Always his empire growing
Always vindictive and all-knowing.
SNAPE:
Master, Dark Lord
Cold-blooded leader
Racked with acute paranoia.
Always his huge ego growing
Always insane neurosis showing.
And his temper going
And the fear of dying
With the death spells flying.
I’m glad I’m through with devotion
Mix that one into your potion!
DEATH EATERS:
I’d like to be with Lord Voldemort
Just you and me and Lord Voldemort
We’d drink our tea with Lord Voldemort
SNAPE:
I’m glad I’m free from Lord Voldemort!
BELLATRIX:
I like Lord Voldemort”so what?
SNAPE:
I like you more when your mouth’s shut.
BELLATRIX:
Nobody fought when our Lord led!
SNAPE:
They couldn’t fight”they were too dead.
DEATH EATERS:
Dashing and bold, our Lord Voldemort
Precious as gold, our Lord Voldemort
We’d never fold with Lord Voldemort
SNAPE:
‘Cause we’d been sold to Lord Voldemort.
BELLATRIX:
I like Lord Voldemort, so what?
SNAPE:
He was a truly disturbed nut.
BELLATRIX:
He brought my family such pride.
SNAPE:
Your father’s cousin was his bride…
DEATH EATERS:
He will return, our Lord Voldemort
What things we’ll learn from Lord Voldemort
Our Dark Marks burn for Lord Voldemort
SNAPE:
My innards churn…
DEATH EATERS:
I love Voldemort!
BELLATRIX:
I like Lord Voldemort, so what?
SNAPE:
All of your praise borders on smut.
BELLATRIX:
He gives me something to live for.
SNAPE:
Then your life must be a real bore.
DEATH EATERS:
We felt alive with Lord Voldemort
We had such drive with Lord Voldemort
We know we’ll thrive with Lord Voldemort
SNAPE:
How’d I survive under Voldemort?
BELLATRIX:
I like Lord Voldemort, so what?
SNAPE:
Voldemort’s deader than King Tut.
BELLATRIX:
Nobody else agrees with you
SNAPE:
That’s because they’ve all dropped dead, too.
6. Malfoy (Cool)
(Snape angrily advises Draco during Slughorn’s Christmas Party in HBP.)
SNAPE:
Boy, boy, Draco Malfoy
Young schoolboy
Boastin’, struttin’, doin’ nuttin’
Young foolish schoolboy.
Be prepared
And don’t get scared
And don’t lose your head.
Count to four
Kill Dumbledore
Or it’ll be you ends up dead.
Boy, boy, Draco Malfoy
Be wise, boy.
Slow on uptake?
Man up, cupcake.
Don’t be nice, boy!
Take it slow
But don’t let it show, you fool, boy
You gutless schoolboy
Stay cool.
Boy, boy, Draco Malfoy
Stay strong, boy
Be a big man
It’s your gig, man
You can’t go wrong, boy
Don’t be a fool, boy
Stay cool!
7. One Soul, Two Parts
( Tom makes his first Horcrux)
TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE:
This is my chance, one chance
Make of my soul two parts
Make at last one solemn vow”
Death will not outsmart me now.
Make of my life two lives
One extra chance, two lives
Now it begins, now it starts
One soul, two parts
Death will not outsmart me now.
Make of my life two lives
One extra chance, two lives
Now I begin to reach my goal
Two parts, one soul”
Nobody can make it whole.
8. Tonight Quintet
(After Harry’s presumed “death” in Deathly Hallows.)
DEATH EATERS:
Lord Voldemort will have his way tonight!
ORDER OF THE PHOENIX:
The Order’s gonna have their day tonight!
DEATH EATERS:
The teachers here are pleading”
Their loss!
We’ll kick ‘em when they’re bleeding
We’ll show ‘em who’s boss!
ORDER:
They gave us an unkind surprise tonight
But even if each of us dies tonight
We’ll never back down, not now
Stand tight.
If they take over Hogwarts,
We’ll put up a fight
Tonight!
DEATH EATERS:
We’re gonna stop them tonight
We’ll get the Order back and have us some fun.
ORDER:
We’ll stand together tonight
We’ll never rest until the battle is won.
DEATH EATERS:
Well, they began it!
ORDER:
Well, they began it!
BOTH:
And we’re the ones who’ll see that it’s done
Tonight!
BELLATRIX: (Disturbingly seductively)
This girl is gonna get her kicks tonight
Score one for little Bellatrix tonight.
I’ve waited for this night, and I’m ready
And when he’s taken Hogwarts
He’ll come and take me!
Tonight!
HARRY: (Under the Invisibility Cloak)
Tonight, tonight
I’m born again tonight
Tonight I feel as strong as ten men.
Tonight, tonight
I’m full of strange new light
And, at last, seen my parents again.
Today, Lord Voldemort attacked me
My body lay there broken
A sad, pathetic sight
But now I’m back
And I’m prepared for one more attack
Tonight.
DEATH EATERS:
Lord Voldemort’s come out on top tonight
We’ve watched your precious Potter drop tonight
We’ll show those stubborn teachers we rule
When pain distorts their features
We’ll tear up the school.
VOLDEMORT:
So, I can count on you boys
DEATH EATERS:
Right!
VOLDEMORT:
You won’t make foolish mistakes?
DEATH EATERS:
Right!
VOLDEMORT:
You and you, get to work
We should be through about eight.
DEATH EATERS:
Tonight!
HARRY:
Tonight, tonight
Won’t be just any night
Tonight determines my destiny
Tonight, tonight
Will I survive tonight?
Or is it back to King’s Cross for me?
ORDER:
We’re gonna fight back tonight
We’re gonna show them tonight
They’re gonna get it tonight
Tonight!
BELLATRIX:
Tonight
Late tonight
We’re gonna mix it tonight!
ORDER AND DEATH EATERS:
But they began it
They began it
They began it…
HARRY AND VOLDEMORT:
Today, the minutes seemed like decades
The seconds seemed like hours
But now it’s time to fight.
HARRY:
With all my might
I’ll try to stand for what I think’s right.
BELLATRIX:
Tonight”my husband we won’t be around
Hopefully somewhere underground.
ORDER AND DEATH EATERS:
And we’re the ones to stop ‘em, or at least try!
ORDER:
The Order’s gonna have their day
DEATH EATERS:
Lord Voldemort will have his way
ORDER AND DEATH EATERS:
A lot of people will die
ALL:
Tonight!
9. I Feel Ugly (I Feel Pretty)
(Voldemort has just assumed the hideous snakelike face we all know and despise.)
VOLDEMORT:
I feel ugly
Oh so ugly
I feel ugly and smugly serene
No more struggling
To convince the world that I’m really mean.
I feel certain
Oh so certain
I feel certain I’ll fill foes with fear
And it’s curtains
For the first nitwit who tries to come near.
See that ugly man in the mirror there?
Who can that repulsive mutant be?
Such an ugly face
Such an ugly mind
Such an ugly soul
Such an ugly me!
I feel awful, and it’s thrilling
Feel like killing each person I see
Now, at last I will make the world notice me!
NEIGHBOURS:
Have you met my neighbor, Tom Riddle?
He’s done something weird to his face
One minute, he’s fit as a fiddle
The next, he’s a walking, disfigured disgrace.
He thinks he’s a lord
He thinks he’s so cool
He isn’t a lord
He’s simply a fool.
If he’s not deformed
By some rare disease
What crackpot performed
Such botched surgeries?
Keep away, he might be contagious
Don’t dare look unless you’re courageous!
He’s hostile and cold
He’s rude and unkind
His house smells like mold
He’s out of his mind!
VOLDEMORT:
I feel scary
Oh so scary
I feel scary, yes, very indeed
Giant hairy
Acromantulas have nothing on me.
Mwahahahahahahaha…
I feel evil
I feel wily
I feel gleeful and smiley and great
And so ugly
I could crush the whole world out of hate!
Mwahahahahahahaha…
VOLDEMORT:
See that ugly man in the mirror there?
NEIGHBOURS:
No nose, no hair.
VOLDEMORT:
Who can that repulsive mutant be?
NEIGHBOURS:
I think it’s you…
VOLDEMORT (AND NEIGHBOURS IN PARENTHESES):
Such an ugly face (You)
Such an ugly mind (You)
Such an ugly soul (You)
Such an ugly me!
NEIGHBOURS:
Such an ugly you
Such an ugly you
Such an ugly… ew!
VOLDEMORT (AND NEIGHBOURS IN PARENTHESES):
I feel awful (He’s so awful)
And it’s thrilling (And it’s chilling)
Feel like killing each person I see (Oh, please don’t kill me!)
VOLDEMORT:
Now at last, I will make the world notice me!
10. Mudbloods (Somewhere)
(Accompanied by a dream ballet of dying Muggle-borns)
LUCIUS:
There’s a place for you
Mudbloods, a place for you
Someplace Purebloods don’t have to share
Just for you
Somewhere.
There’s a place for you
I know a place for you
Someplace smelling of underwear
Rotting flesh, burning hair
Somewhere
Mudbloods
Those of you who won’t get eaten
Get to be violently beaten
Mudbloods.
There’s a place for you
The perfect place for you
Now if only you’d all go there
I’d no longer be forced to bear
Mudbloods…
Please go…
Somewhere!
11. Dolores Jane Umbridge (Gee, Officer Krupke)
(Realizing she hasn’t her own evil song yet, Umbridge walks onstage to sing. She opens her mouth and the music swells, but the D.A. appears out of nowhere and cuts her off.)
D.A.
Before you start your singing
Please try to understand
It’s our bizarre upbringing
That gets us out of hand!
RON:
My dad’s obsessed with Muggles
NEVILLE:
My parents both are mad!
D.A.
Oh my Godric, that’s why we’re so bad!
Dolores Jane Umbridge, we’re really depressed
We’ve tried to hide it so long, but at last we’ve confessed.
We’re not misbehaving, we’re misunderstood!
Deep down inside us, there is good.
FRED AND GEORGE:
There is good!
ALL:
There is good, there is good
There is untapped good
Deep inside the worst of us is good.
UMBRIDGE: (Spoken) That’s a touching good story.
HARRY: (Spoken) Let me tell it to the world!
UMBRIDGE: (Spoken) Just tell it to the Wizengamot.
(HARRY appears before the Wizengamot, as in the Order of the Phoenix.)
HARRY:
Cornelius Fudge, your honour
The Dursleys are so cruel
I know I’ll be a goner
If I’m expelled from school
They didn’t want to raise me
I’m constantly abused
It’s no wonder I’m a bit confused!
FUDGE:
Dolores Jane Umbridge, you’re really a twit
This boy would be just fine if he was cared for a bit.
His mental health’s limits have all been infringed
He’s psychologic’ly unhinged!
HARRY:
I’m unhinged!
D.A.:
We’re unhinged, we’re unhinged
We are so unhinged
We’re all psychologic’ly unhinged!
FUDGE: (Spoken) These children behave badly because they hasn’t had normal homes. So take them to the mental health ward at St. Mungo’s.
RON: (Lying in St. Mungo’s and ranting to a Healer)
My father has no money
My mum’s mean as a gnome
The twins think they’re so funny
They tried to bomb our home.
And Charlie works with dragons
And Bill has got no face
Now you see why I’m such a disgrace!
HEALER:
Dolores Jane Umbridge, once more incorrect!
This boy is not insane, he needs to learn self-respect.
He isn’t just mental or lazy or thick
He’s sociologically sick.
RON:
I am sick!
D.A.:
We are sick
We are sick
We are sick, sick, sick
We are sociologically sick.
HEALER: (Spoken) In my opinion, these children need to learn the value of good, honest work. Why don’t you give them all internships at the Ministry?
FRED AND GEORGE:
Dear kindly supervisor
They say we’ve been too rash
They told us who you guys are
And said to earn some cash.
Well, we have our own business
And we make more than you
So don’t try and tell us what to do!
SUPERVISOR:
Dolores Jane Umbridge, it’s easy to tell
These boys don’t need a job, they need an Azkaban cell!
We’ve all tried to help them, it seems we’ve been had
This kids are nothing more than bad!
FRED AND GEORGE:
We’re just bad!
D.A.:
We are bad, we are bad
We are purely bad
We are totally, completely bad!
LUNA:
The trouble is, she’s crazy
HERMIONE:
The trouble is, she’s sane
RON:
The trouble is, he’s lazy
NEVILLE:
The boy has got no brain!
HARRY:
The fault lies with his family
SEAMUS:
The fault is solely his!
ALL:
Umbridge, we’ve got troubles as it is!
Dolores Jane Umbridge, we’re down on our knees
‘Cause no one wants another round of pointless decrees
FRED AND GEORGE:
We’re done with this school
Now we’re ready to fly
So, Headmistress Umbridge,
Bye-bye!
(They leap on their brooms and fly away.)
12. A Boy Like That
(Dumbledore visits Tom Riddle at the orphanage for the first time.)
MRS. COLE:
A boy like that, who kills kids’ rabbits
Should really learn some better habits.
He’s out of his mind
Just keep that in mind.
A boy like that, who plays with fire
A ceaseless and compulsive liar
He’s out of his mind
Just keep that in mind.
It seems the boy cannot love
It seems the boy has no heart
What else is wrong? Well… everything
Where should I start?
Yet he’s smart, in fact, a bit too smart.
A boy like that who never smiles
Whose mind’s not like a normal child’s.
He’ll murder people
That’ll come next
Just wait and see
Just wait, Professor, see
Just wait and see.
TOM:
Oh no, leave now, oh no
I’m fine, now go!
I know that you’ve come for me
I knew that you would come for me
You want to get inside my head?
Well, I say no.
Out you go now, doctor, out you go.
TOM: (Continuing as Mrs. Cole repeats the first part of the song.)
Nothing’s wrong
It’s true, I don’t belong
Since I’m stronger than everyone
Than everyone else that I know.
Now, get gone!
DUMBLEDORE:
Don’t you care why that is?
Don’t you care why it’s so?
Because I know.
TOM:
You mean to say you know
Why I am better
Than other boys”or you you say
Why I am better…
13. I Have A Love
(Harry is being ‘possessed’ by Voldemort in OotP.)
HARRY:
I have my love
And it’s all that I have
He’s too strong, what else can I do?
He’s in me, I’m his
I’m everything he is
But I’m me, too.
I have my love, and it’s love that he fears
And it burns when he nears me, too.
He’s trapped me, we’re one
The spell can’t be undone.
The one thing I can do
Is hold on, hold on forever
Hold onto love and hope that
My love saves my life.
HARRY AND VOLDEMORT:
Where love can still thrive
Pure evil can’t survive.
HARRY:
My love saves my life!
Worse Side Story: West Side Story Voldemortified by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Chapter Notes: Not only do I not own JK Rowling's characters, I also don't own the wonderful songs written by Stephen Sondheim and Leonard Bernstein that I butchered. West Side Story has some very, very difficult lyrics, written in these choppy short phrases with loads of internal rhymes, so this parody doesn't flow as smoothly as most of mine. But it was fun, anyway.
Chapter Endnotes: Stay tuned for more spoofs coming this summer-- look out for Beauty and the Beast, Hairspray, Legally Blonde, and The Lion King!