The room was dark. That’s all that mattered, that’s all she wanted. A dark room to hide in, to be alone in. Because she could not do this anymore; she could not keep this up. She was done.
Done being there for everyone, done being in the right spot at the right time. Done being the person that everyone came to, done being the one who picked up everyone else’s slack. She was done being poised and perfect. She was done with hiding everything.
She just wanted one selfish moment to herself. One selfish moment to cry, to remember everyone that she loved, to wish for better days, to curse everyone and everything. She wanted a moment when she could focus on her own pain and let it hurt.
These days weren’t easy for anyone. It was hard, harder than anyone had ever imagined it would be, to open the Daily Prophet every morning and see a list”a fresh list, brand new each day”of the names of people who’d disappeared or been confirmed dead.
Lily always counted on two or three people crying at the breakfast table. Those weren’t the ones that bothered her. Unless it was one of her own friends, her shoulder wasn’t needed. It was the people who waited until after breakfast to cry. The ones who would come to her during one of her free periods or while she was in the halls or even in class, asking if she’d heard the news. These were the kids who threw their arms around her and sobbed into her shoulder demanding words of comfort.
She was sick of it.
None of them ever asked how she was doing, how she was holding up, if anyone she had known had died. Oh, no, it was all about them and their pain and that was fine, except she wasn’t playing teddy bear anymore.
With shaky fingers, Lily unfolded the scrap of newsprint in her hands. The edges were roughly cut, and the ink smeared in a few places, where teardrops had landed and been wiped away hastily. The names on the list blurred before Lily’s own eyes as she read them, pausing every few seconds to blink rapidly.
When she finished reading the list, she didn’t bother with blinking. She let the tears fall. At first, she could see the individual wet spots on the list, but they began to run together, forming one massive collection of broken tears.
Lily started reading the list again, crying harder at some names on the list. It wasn’t the list. Not the one they published in the Daily Prophet, but it was just as sad. No. It was even sadder. It was the list of all the people who haddied because of this bloody war that no one at Hogwarts cared about or even gave second thought to. It was all the people Lily had grown up with and their friends and family. It was the people who had no idea why they were dying.
Every morning, Lily got another one of these lists, cut with shaky hands from their local newspaper by her mother. Every morning, Lily mourned alone for the Muggle victims of a magical war. And it was Lily whose face never crumpled, never broke from its smooth mask of being in control.
Lily sank to the ground, her knees hitting the hard floor and splaying out sideways. She let the list slip out of her fingers and she pressed her hands to her face, wanting to block everything out.
But, even with her eyes closed, all Lily could see was the list and the names. These deaths were no accidents. Bridges weren’t just breaking and trains weren’t just crashing. Hurricanes weren’t randomly coming up the coast.
These people had no idea why they were dying. They were just trying to live their lives, just trying to raise their families, do well in school, and make a name for themselves. They were plain, ordinary people dying for a war they didn’t even know existed.
Lily shuddered and gasped, wrapping her arms around herself. She cried. All she could hear, see, and think about were her tears, falling in repetition. Nothing else mattered. In that moment, Lily was only aware of her tears.
Slowly, her eyes began to dry, and she just sat there, heaving. With each forced breath, Lily’s senses started to return. Her arms and legs felt heavy; they ached from being held for so long in such a cramped position. Awkwardly, she lifted her head and opened her eyes, blinking past a few, final tears and staring blindly into the hazy, grey room.
Lily stretched her jaw down, feeling the skin of her cheeks tighten under the salty coating left by her tears. She raised a stiff arm and rubbed her cheek, nails scraping at the residue.
It was then that she saw the shoes. Normal shoes, nothing particularly special about them, except she didn’t recognize them. And they were in the doorway, pointed towards her from under long, black robes.
Lily’s hand froze against her cheek, her heaving breaths stopped. In the sudden silence, all she could hear was her heart pounding. She slowly lifted her eyes, her gaze travelling from the shoes, up the robes”the very nice robes, she noticed”past one hand hanging at their side, past the chest and shoulders”where she found the other hand, resting lightly on the doorframe, as if its owner was unsure of whether or not he wanted to stay or go.
And then, as she reached the face, her breath caught in surprise. For one fleeting moment, Lily’s stomach churned as she thought it was Sirius. But a closer look revealed a more serious face with harder mouth and colder, bluer eyes.
Regulus and Lily stared at each other. Neither of them moved”Lily was pretty sure neither of them breathed. He looked as uncomfortable at being there as she felt at being caught where was.
Finally, Regulus’ hand fell off the doorframe. “Are you”all right?” he asked, hesitantly.
Lily sucked a breath in quickly. “Um, yeah,” she said, scrambling to her feet. In the process of standing, she banged into a desk, nearly knocking herself back to her knees.
Regulus raised his eyebrows. “Clearly, you’re not.” He walked into the room.
Hastily, Lily wiped her eyes, nose, and face, trying to erase all evidence of her tears. “I’m fine,” she said. “Really, I am.”
He didn’t answer. Instead, he’d stopped walking and was staring down at the floor. “What’s this?” He bent over and picked up the piece of damp newsprint.
Lily swallowed hard. “It’s”um”nothing. Just a list””
Regulus’ face betrayed no emotion as read the list. “They’re all Muggles,” he said, looking back up at her.
Lily nodded.
“Do you think it’s wise,” he said slowly, “to be alone, in a room with a door wide-open, crying over a list of dead Muggles?”
Lily flinched. She snatched the list back. Her eyes narrowed up at him. “These are people I know,” she hissed. “These are people I grew up with. I’ll cry over them anywhere I damn well please.”
Regulus’ expression did not change.
A surge of anger and hatred rushed through Lily. “I suppose you wouldn’t know what it’s like, seeing the names of your friends and neighbors on the list. You wouldn’t understand the gut-wrenching moment when the world falls away and all you can see is this person’s face and the only thing you can think is that you’ll”you’ll never see them again.
“You wouldn’t understand the regret or the remorse that coats every thought you think, every emotion you feel. You wouldn’t understand the guilt. The guilt of being alive. The guilt”because they’re just Muggles”they didn’t know about He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, but they knew you and since you’re”you’re a witch, it must be your fault, somehow, that they’re dead””
Regulus had moved closer, his face no longer expressionless. His eyes burned with anger. He reached out and grabbed her shoulders. “You think I don’t know the guilt?” he snarled, shaking her slightly.
He grabbed the list from her hand and shook it in front of her face. “Names,” he said, spitting the word out like was something vile. “Names of people I don’t know. Names of people I’ve never seen before in my life. Names are meaningless.
“It’s their eyes. The big, confused, pleading eyes that follow you around. And then you find yourself wondering if they belong to,” he looked down at the list, “Karen Ashcroft or Mark Brown. And, when they have names”” he broke off.
Lily stood rooted to the floor. Shock, anger, horror, fury, all washed over her. And, surprisingly, pity. He didn’t look furious anymore. Instead, Regulus’ face had contorted with something like anguish or pain. He looked tormented.
They stared at each other again.
Slowly, Lily stepped towards him. Gently, she tugged the clipping out of his grasp, folded it, and tucked it into her pocket. “I’m sorry,” she said simply. It was all she could think to say.
He gaped at her. “You’re”you’re sorry?”
She nodded. As he continued to stare at her, her resolve hardened and, before she could talk herself out of it, she slapped him across the face.
The noise rang out through the empty room. Lily’s hand stung. Regulus winced.
Lily looked at the floor, then back up at him. “I don’t like what you’ve done. I don’t like the choices you’ve made,” she said slowly. “But I don’t . . .not like you.”
Regulus looked away from her. “Can I have the list?” His voice came out like a croak.
“What?” said Lily in surprise.
“The list.” Regulus cleared his throat. “Can I have the list?” He held out his hand.
With slightly shaky fingers, Lily pulled it out of her pocket and placed it into Regulus’ hand. As the paper made contact, she saw a slight tremor move through his hand.
“Thank you,” he said, clenching the paper in his fist.
Lily didn’t answer right away. She opened her mouth a few times, searching for the right words. Softly, she said, “I won’t tell anyone.”
He gave her another long look. “I won’t either.”
Regulus didn’t like being slapped. There was only once when he felt like he deserved it. And, after that moment, Lily Evans was on his radar.
He’d always known who she was, of course. She was a year ahead of him, with flaming red hair, a Gryffindor. She’d been friends with Severus Snape”something Regulus and many other Slytherins had teased him mercilessly about. As he’d watched his brother through out the years, he’d noticed how a mutual dislike had morphed into a friendship.
That was the extent of him noticing her, however. Or it had been.
Now, he was painfully aware of every time she entered the same room as him. He’d glimpse her red hair in the hallway, and his stomach would flip-flop. Every now and the, their eyes would meet and she’d give him a quick smile”the image would be burned into his mind for days.
The thing that got him most of all, though, was how she did it. Every day, she looked put together. Her smile never faltered. The look of concern and comfort never flickered. She patted backs, murmured soothing words, held them close to her, let them cry their fears or sorrows away on her shoulder. And she never, ever slipped. No one would guess that, at night, in empty classrooms, she, too, fell apart.
In fact, Regulus had a sneaking suspicion that he was the only one who knew.
And he didn’t even want to think about the way that made the pit of his stomach burn.
They were both in the library, both studying. She was with a big group of friends; he was alone. He tried to concentrate on his Transfiguration essay, but was finding it impossible to say focused on it for very long. Regulus forced himself to finish a sentence before he looked up again.
He watched her say something; the table erupted in laughter. Looking back down at his essay, Regulus made himself write three more sentences. When he looked back up, he met a pair of bright brown eyes, belonging to the brunette next to Lily. She looked at him curiously before lowering her head and saying something to her friends. This, it appeared was even funnier than what Lily had said. Except Lily didn’t find it so funny. She gave them a tight smile and then hurriedly excused herself from the table.
Regulus watched as she moved towards the shelves of books. He glanced down at his essay, put his quill to the parchment, and made a split-second decision. He threw the quill down at and quickly stood up, walking towards the shelves. He found her, relieved that she was near the back, where hardly anyone ever went.
She was scanning a shelf of books, lips moving soundlessly as she read the titles to herself. Regulus walked up behind her, and cocked his head to speak in her ear.
Defying the jittery acrobatics his stomach was performing, he spoke slowly and calmly, “You are an incredible actress.”
Lily jumped back, falling into him, knocking him off balance. Regulus stumbled backwards, but managed to regain his balance in time to catch Lily.
“Ouch,” he informed her.
She narrowed her eyes. “It’s what you get, you twat. Dunno what you expect”” she went to turn around, but found that she couldn’t. Staring at his hand on her wrist, she finished her sentence, “”sneaking up on people.”
He looked down at his fingers wrapped around her wrist, too, contemplating them. Deciding he rather liked them there, Regulus looked back up at Lily.
“But, seriously,” he said quietly, moving closer to her, “how do you do it?”
Lily swallowed hard. “Do what?”
They were very, very close now. “Pretend like nothing’s wrong, that you’re completely together, that you truly believe everything will be okay.”
Her eyes hardened. “How do you know that I don’t believe that?”
Regulus laughed harshly. “How can you?”
“I have to,” she said very quietly. “I have to believe that everything will be okay, someday. I have to believe that there is good in the world and that it will prevail. I have to,” she repeated.
“Why?”
“Because,” her hands clenched, “because if I don’t, then”then it’s all for nothing.” She stared up at him, eyes damp.
Regulus stared back down at her. He remembered the list she’d given him, stained with tears. He remembered the shaking, gasping, broken Lily he’d found. He remembered the girl he saw each day, dry-eyed and comforting.
Slowly, he tilted his head and leaned towards her. His lips had barely touched hers when he felt her back up. Surprised, Regulus opened his eyes and looked at her. Lily was staring at him, an unreadable expression on her face.
“I have to go,” she said finally.
Regulus watched her back as she slowly walked away, wondering what had just happened.
What just happened?
Lily stopped walking, coming to a halt in the middle of the hallway.
Did he really just try to kiss me?
She started walking again.
Did I really just walk away from him?
As much as she hated to admit it (not that she had to anyone other than herself), ever since that night when he’d found her in the classroom, Regulus Black had been hard to forget. The fact that he seemed to be everywhere wasn’t really helping matters much, either. And her friends were starting to notice.
Lily frowned as she remembered Ellen’s comment.
“Regulus Black keeps looking over here. And he’s looking right at you, Lily, every time. Is there something you’re not telling us?”
Her friends were all in a giggly mood and had found this”the idea of Lily and Regulus”utterly ridiculous. And, to be honest, it was. He’d as good as told her that night that he was a Death Eater, that he’d killed people”Muggles.
Lily shuddered at the thought. She started walking faster.
But there was something in his eyes, something in his voice, when he talked about the guilt. It was something she couldn’t quite identify, and something that had been haunting her ever since.
She slowed down, absentmindedly trailing her fingers along the wall. And when he’d snuck behind her in the library and then leaned towards her . . .
Well, could she honestly tell herself that she’d just gotten up to look for a book? That she hadn’t been hoping he’d follow her?
But, then, why hadn’t she let him kiss her?
She knew why.
Because, no matter how attractive he might be and no matter what she felt when she saw him, Lily had principles and morals. And her principles and morals had taught her to go for the good guy.
Even so, it was hard to fight that feeling.
There was something there. Regulus was sure of it. And he wasn’t going to let it slip through his fingers just like that. Lily was at least going to explain herself.
Wanting to avoid other people’s eyes and comments and wanting to be completely alone with her, Regulus waited until a night when he patrolled.
The first few classrooms he checked were empty. He got lucky with the fourth one, though. Lily was sitting on a desk, her legs dangling off the side of it. She stared blankly at the wall opposite her.
“Lily?” Regulus stepped into the room.
Her head snapped over to him. She tried to smile, but it wobbled so much that she gave up.
Regulus frowned. She wasn’t crying or breathing hard or anything like the first time he’d found her. Yet he knew that something was inherently wrong. More wrong that the list.
Regulus sat down on the desk next to her. For a few minutes, neither of them said anything. Then”
“It’s so much worse,” whispered Lily.
“What?” asked Regulus quietly, when she didn’t expand.
“When it’s your family. I-I didn’t get a list yesterday. I wrote home”asking why not. My father answered. My father never writes to me”the owls freak him out. And he said that”that my mother couldn’t bear to send it to me because,” she paused, drawing in a shaky breath, “because my uncle and aunt and their two kids were on the list.”
She turned to look at him, eyes shining. “Their kids. Julie was six. Mary was”was three. They were children. Who does that?”
Regulus tensed beside her. He didn’t know how to answer that. It seemed so much more real, so much worse, when she talked about it. The power, the ambition, the pride of his family, the founding concepts”it all paled in comparison. Nothing seemed more important than Julie and Mary, six and three.
He wrapped his arm around Lily and pulled her close to him. Her head relaxed onto his shoulder. He didn’t have an answer for her. He knew who had done it, but he didn’t know why. He didn’t understand the way they thought anymore.
He’d thought he had. But six-year-old Julie and three-year-old Mary? Who does that?