I used to think I was lonely. It seemed like the world had turned upside down and I was hanging off the edge. I never really thought about it until it happened again.

This time, it was different. I feel like I was so young, years ago. Looking back, I feel like I could have handled things a lot better than I did. But in the moment, there’s not much you can do.

Now I feel like my heart has been ripped out from my chest. It used to be broken. And now it’s gone. So many things can happen in such a short time. I suppose some people say that some changes happen for the better, and some for the worse. Now I’m tempted to think that no changes will happen to me for the better. 

 I don’t really want to think about it, but my mind keeps drifting . . .  

 I felt defeated. I just wanted to lay down in my bed and sleep, and not wake up until all the madness had ended. I wanted some little bit of happiness, and I was willing to try everything. But the world was black and white; everything just seemed so bland. 

  And then there was a flash, and my vision changed. 

I blinked my eyes a couple of times, and there stood that annoying kid Colin Creevey, snapping a picture of me. I raised an eyebrow at him.  

“Why would you take a picture of me, Colin?” I asked him. Then I felt bad because he looked hurt. But who didn’t, around here?  

“Well I’m just trying to capture the mood, you know. And then in ten years, we’ll all look back and say, ‘look how depressed we were. But it’s all better now!’ And then we’ll remember everything and think of how great the future looks.” He grinned hopefully, and for a second I maybe believed what he had said. But when the Carrows are running madly around the castle, and chaos runs into you at every corner, it’s hard to believe that a change is coming for the better. 

 “Do you really believe that, Colin?” I asked. He contemplated it, and then his face fell.  

“I don’t know,” he said. “I’d like to. But I don’t really know what to believe any more.” He looked so sad. A small part of me wanted to pick the little guy up and squeeze him, and tell him everything would be okay. And then again, I would have liked to do the same thing to myself, but I knew it wasn’t the truth. 

 “Colin, everything’s not okay. How about you put that camera away and look at the world through your own eyes. Maybe then you won’t have this twisted sense of what the future’s going to be and how it’s going to be all better!” I mocked him sourly, but I didn’t care. At this point, nobody cared anymore about anything they said. It didn’t matter. 

 Tears welled up and Colin’s eyes and he walked away, sulking. I didn’t know what made him think that I would have some unrealistic, hopeful vision for a new future.

  “You’ll see!” he said. “And later, you’ll tell me that I was right!”  

I shuddered as I remembered that. And I knew then, and I know now that he was wrong. Everything is not all right, just how I thought.  

 But that wasn’t the last thing he ever said to me. Maybe if it was, this would have been easier. But . . .  

I stopped dead in my tracks. This was a revelation!

  “Colin!” I said. He turned around, and when he saw me his face fell. “Where is your camera?” I asked. 

 “It’s ‘away,’” he said. “I’m trying to ‘look at the world through my own eyes.’” His sad little eyes stared right into mine.  

“Colin, I wasn’t trying to be mean. You just weren’t being practical. You gain nothing by trying to pretend that things aren’t as they really are. If you look at the world the right way, you’ll know what to do. If you realize that nothing can fix this situation, you’ll have a better idea of what exactly the situation is.” I nodded as if to add some creditability to what I just said. 

 “Cho, you’ll see,” he said. And I couldn’t believe myself as a smile spread across his face. He was back to his old self, and the next time I saw him, he had his camera again.  

I hoped that after that encounter we wouldn’t cross paths again. I didn’t want to waste my time with someone who was unreasonably hopeful. But he came back, of course. When I least expected it.  

I sat on the stairs and sobbed uncontrollably. I couldn’t take it anymore. Life was just too hard. I couldn’t do it anymore. 

 I heard footsteps, but I didn’t care whose they were. I didn’t care about anything anymore.  

“Cho?” I looked up and saw that familiar face of Colin’s, filled with worry. 

“Colin, I can’t do it anymore, I just can’t,” I sobbed.  

With such worry in his eyes, he stepped forward and sat down right next to me. I could feel myself collapse in his arms, and I felt his arms hold me tight.  

What a nice ending to a story that would make. But unfortunately, that’s not the end.  

When I woke up the next morning, he was gone. I went through the next few days without seeing him, and I went through those days in a daze.  It felt like the world was blurred before me. Nothing was real.  

The Battle felt like it happened in a second. It was all a blur of colors and shapes I couldn’t comprehend.  

When I found Colin lying there in the aftermath, it was my nightmare come true. I picked him up and knew he was dead. His eyes were closed but his mouth was open in an “O” shape. And for all I knew, he could have been calling my name. Cho, Cho.

  I knew then that I had always been right, but he never knew it. He went into the Battle with the same mentality he had always had and he came out the same way I said he would.  

What happened to a happy future? 

What happened to looking back at the past and laughing?  

As tears rolled down my face and onto his, I just left him there for someone else to rediscover.  

Our friendship had been nothing. It was just a hope for a better future. We never even knew each other. In our hearts, we each had this yearning hope to be happy.  

And neither of us ever will be.  

You gain nothing by trying to pretend that things aren’t as they really are.