She was eight weeks into the program - and that meant that there were only four weeks left. So, really… this was an incredibly stupid thing to do. There wasn't enough time to make it worthwhile, and even if there had been time to finish the project, success wouldn't be enough to protect her from the wrath of all the people determined to continue this discrimination. Nothing good would come from this.
And yet somehow that knowledge didn't stop her from drawing a deep breath, squaring her shoulders with resolve, and marching up to Healer Lanwick.
"Yes, Ms. Evans?" the Healer asked.
"I've decided to change my potion again," Lily said. "I'm going back to working on Wolfsbane."
Healer Lanwick peered at her severely, and Lily was acutely aware that everyone in the classroom had stopped their brewing and was watching her. Emma was leaning forward, her expression hard to read, but she didn't seem in the least bit surprised. Fenwick was biting back a grin he clearly didn't want the Healer to see.
Eliza Greengrass was staring at Lily with a calculating look in her eyes.
"There is only one month in the program, Ms. Evans," Healer Lanwick said finally. "You were doing well with spattergroit. Don't foolishly throw away your chances now."
"This is what I want to do," Lily said unyieldingly. "Wolfsbane is the potion I want to work on. I never should have abandoned it in the first place." She hesitated, then added, "And I worked on it for the first few weeks of the program. I have good enough notes, I think I can do well with it."
The older witch shook her head and said coldly, "I cannot encourage this waste of time."
"It isn't a waste of time," Lily protested, forcing herself to reign in her temper. She did not want to get into an argument with the Healer. Just switching back to Wolfsbane was going to give the other woman plenty of reasons to dislike her, and there was no point in adding to that. If she had thought she could change the Healer's mind about Wolfsbane, that would be different. But Lanwick was set in her beliefs, and Lily was starting to accept that she couldn't do anything about that.
But she also wasn't asking for permission. She'd made up her mind, and she was not going to change it.
Healer Lanwick folded her arms over her chest and said pointedly, "A potioneer must know which potions are a waste of time and which are not. Otherwise she will end up wasting valuable resources on a project doomed to fail. Any student who does not possess such a trait will not make it to the next stage of this program."
Lily nodded slowly. She'd known all along what the consequences of her choice would be, and had prepared herself for it. But it still hurt to hear the words, to know what was being implied. All her dreams, everything she wanted for her life… she was throwing them all away.
Was it worth it?
Unbidden, James' expression of disgust and regret floated through her mind, and his tired words echoed in her thoughts. You really aren't the girl I thought you were.
And without really knowing or understanding why, she found herself wanting to prove him wrong.
She met the Healer's gaze. "I know," she said. "And I don't care. This is what I am going to do." She didn't bother waiting for an answer - the Healer wouldn't have anything worthwhile to say. Instead, she merely turned and walked back to her station.
Eliza was still watching her.
"So… there is a rumor floating around that James Potter is dating Vanessa Lovely," Mary said as she ran her fingers over the nearest set of robes.
Lily glanced over at her friend. "Who?" she asked, curious despite herself.
She hadn't really planned on spending so much time shopping in Diagon Alley. It was supposed to be a quick trip to the apothecary to pick up some supplies she needed, but Mary had insisted on coming along to buy new robes, and somehow the short trip had already lasted over an hour.
"She's a reporter for the Daily Prophet," Mary said. She held up a pair of green robes with silver stitching and embroidery near the neckline. "These would look wonderful on you."
Lily rolled her eyes. "I don't need robes, Mary. I thought we were looking for you." She frowned, then said, "Besides, those are Slytherin colors. Shouldn't you be encouraging me to buy something red and gold?"
Mary eyed Lily's hair and said flatly, "You would look horrible in Gryffindor colors."
"I wore our colors all the time at Hogwarts," Lily protested, thinking of the red and gold scarf she had bought at the end of her first year. It had upset Severus, but she'd wanted something to help her fit in, to make her really feel like a part of her House. Like she belonged.
"Yes, and if I recall correctly," Mary replied, "I kept trying to talk you out of it."
Lily laughed. "True," she agreed. Then she asked, "So… Vanessa Lovely?"
Mary gave her a wicked smile. "You're interested in Potter's love life?"
"Of course not," Lily said quickly, flushing darkly at Mary's words. "But you brought it up so I thought maybe you wanted to talk about it." Then, after a pause, she said, "Besides, that name sounds familiar, though I don't know why."
"Hm…" Mary set the green robes back and continued browsing. "She's a Quidditch reporter."
"Oh," Lily said, "I think I read an article she wrote about Potter when he first joined the Wasps."
Mary spun around and gaped at her. "You read an article about Quidditch?" she asked, shocked.
Lily shrugged. "I was on a date, and Caradoc wanted to read it. I don't remember much, though. It was flattering to Potter." She sighed. "I guess that explains why." Hadn't Caradoc said that this Vanessa Lovely was known for writing scandalous pieces? And yet she had fallen for James and written something glowing about him instead. So once again, James seemed to get everything he wanted.
It bothered her Lily more than she wanted to admit.
Mary nodded and gave Lily a scrutinizing look. But then she cleared her throat and said, "She is a few years older than us. I heard it was a real ugly duckling story."
Lily gave her a blank look.
Mary clicked her tongue against her teeth impatiently. "Hans Christian Andersen? He wrote fairy tales? Come on, Lils, you're Muggleborn. You don't have an excuse for not knowing who he is."
"I know who he is," Lily said defensively. Of course she knew who the Danish author was. She might not know many wizarding fairy tales, but she knew all of the famous Muggle ones. "And I know the story, too," she added. "I'm just trying to figure out exactly what analogy we're going with here."
"She was gawky and plain until the last year of Hogwarts and then she turned into something else. Something… well, lovely. Which I am sure pleased her family since they have money and it wouldn't do for someone with prestige to have a less than beautiful daughter."
Lily snorted, then asked, "How do you know so much about her?"
"I read her articles," Mary replied easily. "She's great for gossip." She pulled out another set of robes and held them up for Lily to see. "What about this?"
"It's very… purple," Lily said after a moment.
Mary gazed down at the robes. "What's wrong with purple?" she demanded.
"Nothing," Lily answered. "I just prefer black."
"Yes, but that's because you are boring," Mary shot back with a grin.
Lily shook her head in amusement. There really wasn't anything wrong with the robes. They were a classic cut, and would flatter Mary's figure without looking too trendy. But they were just very… purple.
"Go ahead and try them on," Lily said, "so that Madam Malkin can adjust them if necessary." She looked over at the windows, at the darkening sky that could be seen through the glass, and said, "I'd like to get to the apothecary before it closes."
"We haven't been here that long," Mary protested.
Lily raised one eyebrow in disbelief. "Really?"
Mary glanced at the clock on the wall above the door and gave an abashed smile. "Oh. Well, maybe we have." She draped the robes over one arm and suggested, "Why don't you go to the apothecary now? I can already tell that these need to be taken in a little, so I will probably be here a bit longer. We can meet here when you're doing getting your supplies."
"Sure," Lily agreed, trying - and failing - to hide her relief. She liked Mary, and she liked shopping with Mary, but sometimes she found the experience a bit overwhelming.
At least Mary hadn't forced her into trying anything on this time.
"Anyway," Mary said as Lily started towards the door, "I only brought up Vanessa Lovely because I was surprised James was dating her. She's not really his type."
Lily paused at the door and looked back. "Beautiful, wealthy, and writes articles about Quidditch?" she said. "How is she not his type?"
He really should have been watching where he was going.
That was the first thought that occurred to James as he collided into the person just exiting the apothecary and sent her sprawling.
The second thought was that of all the people he could have run into - literally - why did it have to be Lily?
The supplies went flying from her arms as she herself went sprawling. "Merlin, Potter," she snapped and she scrambled to her hands and knees, "watch it."
"Sorry," James said, inwardly kicking himself even as he automatically bent down to help her pick up the dropped supplies. "I was just in a hurry."
"Clearly," Lily said, rolling her eyes at him.
He hadn't seen her since the argument at her flat, and the harsh words they had spat at each other rang in his ears. He wondered vaguely if she was thinking about that, too.
"I'm sorry," James said again.
She straightened and took her belongings back from him. "Thank you," she muttered, eyes darting away from his face and landing on the cobblestone path at their feet. The silence between them was awkward and tense, and James couldn't help but be struck by the difference between this encounter and every other one they'd ever had.
Whether they were arguing or not, they'd never had trouble coming up with things to say to each other.
"Potion supplies?" he asked, nodding to the items in her arms.
"Yes," she said. There was another moment of silence, then she cleared her throat. "I don't want to delay you. You were obviously in a hurry."
"Right," James said, but his attention was caught on the main bag in her arms. "Aconite?"
Lily nodded and raised her eyes to meet his gaze. "Can't make Wolfsbane without it," she said. "At least, that's what Damocles Belby thought."
There was another uneasy silence, then James said. "You're working on Wolfsbane."
"Yeah, I guess," Lily replied. "I'm behind, so I'll probably have to work on it in the evenings and on weekends and I still don't know how far I'll get…" She stopped abruptly and shook her head as though pushing the thoughts away. There was another pause, still awkward, and then she said, "I need to get back to Madam Malkin's, I was meeting Mary there. And you were in a hurry somewhere."
"Right," James agreed. "I was."
Lily stepped around him and hurried along the street, and James found himself turning to watch her leave. It took him a moment to tear his eyes away from her retreating figure, but then he forcibly shoved thoughts of Lily away in favor of focusing on the issue at hand.
He was supposed to be meeting Vanessa.
He ran a hand through his hair idly and continued on his way along the road, oblivious to much of his surroundings. Of course, being oblivious was the reason he had knocked Lily to the ground just moments ago, but he couldn't get his mind off Sirius and Peter and Avery.
Sirius was still furious with Peter. James was, too, but his anger was already starting to cool, replaced by concern for his friend. Peter was in trouble, that much was clear. Avery had targeted him for a reason, and James couldn't help but feel that allowing the Marauders to fracture would be playing right into the Slytherin's hands.
And as much as James didn't like to admit it, Peter was right about one thing - he couldn't deal with Avery now as easily as he could have back at Hogwarts.
He sighed.
The cobblestone road curved, and as he came around the bend he saw Vanessa waiting for him outside Teas and Tinctures. It was a new tea shop, and he'd never been there. He wasn't sure if it was any good, but Vanessa liked these types of places, so it seemed like a safe bet for a date.
Although this date was going to be more business than romance…
Vanessa smiled at him and tucked a strand of auburn hair behind one ear. "You made it," she said, glancing down at the silver watch on her wrist. "I was starting to get worried."
"Sorry," James said. "I was rushing because I was already running late and I… I ran into Evans. Literally."
Vanessa smiled. "All that matters is that you are here now." She leaned forward and lowered her voice, "I have some interesting information for you."
James raised an eyebrow. "Let's go inside," he said, nodding towards the shop.
It took them a few minutes to get settled with tea and biscuits, and as they did so, James let his gaze wander around the place. It was frilly and girly and definitely not somewhere he would come on his own. But then, he'd never been much of a tea drinker anyway.
Firewhisky was so much better.
Vanessa took a sip of her tea and then said, "Morrison landed a spot as a reserve Chaser on Puddlemere United."
James practically choked on his own tea. "I didn't know they were looking for new players," he said, frowning. Puddlemere United was one of the best teams in the league. He would have heard about tryouts, and he certainly would have paid attention to them, even if his loyalty was now to the Wasps.
"The tryouts weren't open," Vanessa explained. "They only asked a few people. And Morrison was one of the few. Apparently he learned from his past mistakes, too, and impressed the Puddlemere captain by being a good team player."
James snorted but made no other comment. Morrison had to have been a decent team player to be on the Slytherin House team, so it wasn't a surprise that he would manage to be one again. But Puddlemere United? Really?
"Anyway, Puddlemere is paying close attention to the Wasps," Vanessa continued. "Particularly after everything that happened with Hespera Sabine. They don't trust Shaw, and they'd just love to get back at him. So when they heard that Shaw had been forced to bench one of his reserve Chasers…" and here she inclined her head towards James who at least had the good sense to look abashed at the memory of his actions that day, "they were delighted. Problems between players are never good for the team."
"So Morrison heard about it from his teammates," James said quietly. "And then what? He decided to tell Avery? How did he even know Avery was going after us?"
"I don't think he did know, not exactly," Vanessa answered. James frowned, but nodded for her to continue, and she said, "Morrison's mother works at the Ministry. She's an Undersecretary or something, I haven't quite gotten that figured out. She's been helping Lysander Lestrange - that's Rodolphus and Rabastan's father - with something. They've been spending a lot of time working together, and they talk…"
"So Avery knows about the argument because Mrs. Morrison told the Lestranges?" James surmised. "And then… then what? Avery asked Morrison to help him?" It made sense in a very convoluted and complicated sort of way. It also meant that Morrison's involvement in this was entirely coincidental, and even without him, without the knowledge he had provided, Avery would have gone after Peter.
James sighed. He wasn't sure if that made things better or worse.
"It's a small world," Vanessa murmured quietly. "Particularly among purebloods."
James couldn't argue with that.
"What are Mrs. Morrison and Lestrange working on?"
Vanessa grimaced. "That's where things get ugly," she said quietly. "You're not going to like it."
James raised an eyebrow, his thoughts wandering towards Peter and Avery, Sirius and Regulus, Lily and Remus. Right now his life seemed full of conflicts he didn't like - he had no idea how this could be worse.
"Turns out Lucius Malfoy's plan isn't as vague as it seemed when we overheard him in Knockturn Alley," Vanessa continued, tracing a finger over the ceramic handle of her mug and sighing heavily. "Abraxas Malfoy is drafting some legislation, and Mrs. Morrison and Lysander Lestrange are responsible for shoring up support for it. They want it accepted, and quickly."
"What's the legislation?" James asked with a growing sense of dread.
Vanessa's lips curled into a disdainful smile. "The Protection of Magical Heritage Act," she said angrily. "Designed to ensure that those who work in the Ministry and serve the interests of the public do everything they can to further the ideals of our society and protect our heritage so that magical cultural can be passed along to our children."
"Uh huh… and in English?"
"It's designed to keep Muggleborns out of the Ministry."
"What?" James demanded. "Is that even possible? Surely there is something… some other law or regulation or… or something… that says we can't discriminate that blatantly?"
"It's not blatant," Vanessa replied, "not like the werewolf registry and the laws that prohibit Goblins and the like from carrying wands. It doesn't specifically state that Muggleborns can't work at the Ministry - I doubt any legislation could get away with that, at least not right now. But it uses euphemisms and talks about preserving our heritage and… It's not a law prohibiting Muggleborns from working there, it just makes it a little bit more difficult for them to get hired and keep their jobs. It's chipping away at their rights, making room for the next wave of discrimination…" She trailed off with a shrug. "It really all comes down to the same thing. If it passes - and Morrison is confident that it will - we'll be a step closer to declaring Muggleborns second-class citizens."
James narrowed his eyes. "We have to do something," he snarled. "We have to stop this!"
"Morrison said his mother believes there is a lot of support for it, and she would know," Vanessa said quietly. "I don't think there is anything we can do to keep it from getting introduced. But maybe if we can stall it long enough to gather up some opposition to it…" She paused, chewing her lip. "They're being quiet about it, you know. I think Malfoy knows this is going to be a harder battle than… say… the anti-werewolf legislation he drafted a couple weeks ago."
"But other people must know about it," James protested. "I mean… this is the Ministry. They don't keep secrets very well."
Vanessa laughed. "That's true. Maybe ask your Dad about it?"
"That's a good idea," James agreed. Then he gave her an inquisitive look and asked, "How did you get Morrison to tell you all of this? I mean… I know you're good, but this is… wow."
Vanessa smirked and gave him a wink. "I have my ways," she said, raising the mug of tea to her lips to take another sip. "And you're right; I am good."
Once again, James Potter was standing in her flat. This time, though, he'd at least had the decency to knock.
"Mary here?" James asked, glancing around.
Lily shook her head in the negative and looked behind her at the piles of books spread out along the sofa. She'd been in the middle of studying, and although some part of her was more than a little curious as to why James was at her door, another part of her was insistent that she needed to work on this. Otherwise she had no hope of making any progress on the potion in the next four weeks.
James ran a hand through his hair, and she frowned ever so slightly. He froze at her look and quickly tried to flatten the dark locks. That took Lily a bit by surprise, and she wondered if he was remembering how many times she'd told him she hated the way he messed up his hair, thinking it made him look cool.
James cleared his throat. "How's the potion going?"
Lily shrugged noncommittally and stepped away from the door. "What are you doing here?" she asked as she walked back to her books. He hadn't started yelling at her, which she supposed was a good sign. At least it wouldn't be a repeat of their last argument. She wasn't sure she could handle another emotionally draining fight.
"I thought I'd offer to help you," James replied.
Lily gave him a blank stare. "What?" she asked, bewildered.
"With the potion," James clarified. "You said you had a lot of work to do on it and not a whole lot of time. Well… two heads are better than one, right?"
Lily narrowed her eyes and said pointedly, "Potter, I was in the same class as you for five years, watching you ruin pretty much every potion you touched. You're complete rubbish at this."
James grinned. "And you weren't all that good at Transfiguration," he retorted, appearing not in the least upset by her remark. "And this potion has a lot to do with transfiguring. So maybe it requires both our talents."
Lily hesitated, torn. He had a point - Transfiguration had never been an easy class for her, but it must have been easy for him given that he had somehow mastered transforming himself into a stag before they even left Hogwarts. On the other hand, this was a potion, and the theory behind it was different from spell-based transfigurations. Would his knowledge really help?
"Why?" she asked finally. "Why do you want to help me? Last time you were here…" She trailed off and sank onto the sofa amidst the clutter of books before saying, "We didn't exactly part of amicable terms."
"And yet you're still doing this potion," James said. "Despite everything… you're still going through with it." He hesitated, then said awkwardly, "I was wrong to say… what I said… before… about you."
"No," Lily said quietly, shaking her head, "you were… Merlin, it kills me to say this, but… you were right." She paused, then amended quickly, "But only about some of it. You and Black both, you had some good points." James' brow furrowed at the mention of Sirius, and Lily realized suddenly that perhaps he didn't know that his best mate had come to visit her. But instead of commenting on that, or offering any other explanation, she added, "But letting a werewolf run around the hills near a village at the full moon is irresponsible and dangerous."
James didn't say anything.
"Besides," Lily continued, "if Remus really isn't a monster, if he's a good person, if he has a conscious… how do you think he would feel if he ended up escaping from you and biting someone?"
"He's not a monster," James said vehemently.
"I know," Lily murmured in a barely audible voice.
James walked around the sofa and sat down in the chair opposite her. "So… let's talk about this potion."
"You still haven't adequately explained why you want to help me," Lily argued.
James stared at her for a long moment, then said with a hint of frustration creeping into his voice, "Because Avery is threatening to burn down Mr. Pettigrew's shop, Peter doesn't know what side he is on, Sirius can't control his temper now that his brother is a right git, and Remus is working at a bookstore with a boss who treats him like garbage. Because Remus thinks he's a monster, I went and got myself benched at Quidditch practice, and Abraxas Malfoy is trying to get Muggleborns kicked out of the Ministry. Because I can't seem to be able to fix any of those problems. But maybe I can do this."
Lily met his stare evenly and said, "Alright."
He looked startled, as though he hadn't expected her to cave quite to quickly. And it surprised her, too. But she knew exactly how he felt. Because she couldn't fix her relationship with Petunia and she couldn't save her friendship with Severus and she couldn't stop all Muggleborn prejudice. But she could do this.
James flashed her a weak smile. "I was expecting more of an argument," he said. "Usually you can't stand even being in the same room as me."
"Well, you do seem more… mature… now," Lily admitted. "Besides, you have to have changed at least a little bit if you're dating Vanessa Lovely. She's the kind of person you used to dismiss as prejudiced and dodgy without even getting to know her."
Surprise was written clearly on James' features. "What do you mean?" he asked a bit warily.
"Well, you know," Lily said with a shrug, "because she was in Slytherin."
James and Sirius frequently complained about Mr. Pracket, and though Peter was less vocal than the other two, he also expressed outrage at the owner of the book shop. Lily had been furious with the man the one time she had met him, and even Dearborn had reacted angrily to the verbal abuse.
So why, Remus wondered idly, did any of them think it was a good idea to repeatedly show up here and distract him so that he would get in even more trouble with his temperamental boss?
Of course, his reluctance to face this particular conversation had to do with a lot more than just a desire to avoid another confrontation with his boss.
"Hi, Lily."
The redhead smiled wanly. "Hi, Remus," she said. She had her arms wrapped around herself uneasily, and for some reason, her expression reminded Remus of James. It took him a moment to figure out why - it was exactly the expression James wore when he was attempting to apologize for something.
Remus cast his thoughts back to his years at Hogwarts and tried to remember if he'd ever heard Lily apologize. Not for the little things, like knocking over a glass of juice or bumping into someone in the halls, but the bigger issues. Like after a major argument with her friends.
He came up blank.
So maybe that was something James and Lily had in common. Neither of them were any good at apologies.
But that thought caused Remus to shake his head - could Lily really be here to apologize? And for what? She'd been right about what she'd said. He had been irresponsible and his actions could have gotten someone killed - or worse. What did she have to be sorry about when he was the one who had attacked her?
"I… uh… I'm sorry that I… I'm sorry… I don't want you to think that I think that you're a monster," Lily said, stammering at the beginning and then rushing the words together frantically towards the end.
It took Remus a moment to unravel that sentence, and then he lowered his gaze to the pile of books in his arms. "Did James put you up to this?" he asked.
Lily gave him an incredulous look, and then demanded hotly, "Have I ever done something just because Potter wants me to?"
That statement caused Remus to smile just a little bit, and Lily returned the smile with her own tentative one.
Still, even Lily's smile and pointed words did not quite assuage Remus' doubt. After all, the most recent conversation he'd had with James had ended with his friend stating unequivocally that Remus should not let Lily's words convince him that he was a monster, and now Lily was here, essentially repeating that idea.
"Actually, I did talk to Potter," Lily said after a moment. "Not about you, really, but about the Wolfsbane potion. He's helping me with that, and I…"
"Wait, you're still working on it?" Remus interrupted. She had been incredibly clear that she thought the potion was a waste of time, so why would she have changed her mind?
"Yes," Lily affirmed, completely oblivious to Remus' silent confusion. "And I was talking to Potter about it. Although when I pointed out that his girlfriend used to be in Slytherin, he got a bit distracted. I didn't realize that he didn't know. I mean, I didn't know that about her - I didn't even know he was dating her - until Mary told me."
Remus wasn't sure what startled him more; that Lily was paying attention to James' love life or that James' girlfriend had been in Slytherin. But even though he registered that both of those bits of information were unusual and deserved his attention, his mind kept going back to Lily's earlier statement.
"You're working on the Wolfsbane potion," he said again.
"Yes," Lily said flatly, lips pursed. "I just told you that." She hesitated, possibly waiting for Remus to say something else, but when it became clear that he was still to shocked to think up a response, she said, "It's not like I've perfected it. I'm just working on it. And I doubt I'll make much progress in the next four weeks."
"But you're working on it," Remus said, a smile tugging at his lips.
"Yes," Lily said again. She licked her lips and looked around the shop, at the shelves of books and the other patrons browsing quietly. Mr. Pracket was fortunately nowhere in sight, but that didn't mean he wouldn't be coming back, and Remus knew that he should be getting back to work. He was already in enough trouble as it was, adding to it would be a bad idea.
On the other hand, it was hard to get worked up about that because Lily was working on the Wolfsbane potion. And the Lily who was looking at him now, the one with fire and stubborn determination in her eyes whenever she mentioned that potion… that Lily was going to see this through until the end.
"Anyway," Lily said, "I just came by to tell you that… well, that I don't think you're a monster. And you shouldn't either."
"Right," Remus said distractedly. There was something expanding in his chest, some emotion pushing out against his ribcage. And it was such a strange emotion, one he didn't feel all that often, that it took him a moment to identify it.
It was hope.