Edgar Shaw was annoyed.
It didn't take James long to figure that out, though he had absolutely no idea what he could have done to upset the captain of the Wimbourne Wasps. But Shaw was angry, and he was angry at James.
Practice was a miserable affair, though James felt he had actually flown fairly well. But Shaw was constantly yelling at him, growling out admonitions and reprimands. James was still benched and he had no idea when he'd be allowed to play in another game, but by the looks of things, it would be a while.
When practice ended, most of the team landed quickly and headed towards the locker rooms to change. James took his time, though, not really wanting to be in a confined area with his irate captain.
Daphne Dumare also hung back.
"You flew well, James," she said.
James paused and turned towards her. "Thanks," he muttered sourly. "I thought so, too. Pity other people couldn't see that."
Daphne sighed and looked past him towards the locker rooms. "He's not mad at you. Or, rather… he is mad at you, but he's mostly mad because he doesn't have a reason to be mad and it's irritating him."
"Huh?" Nothing Daphne had just said made any sense to James, but she seemed to get exactly what she was trying to convey. And that indicated that she at least understood what was going on, which was certainly more than James did.
Daphne sighed again. "It's the article, James. He's upset about the article."
"Why?" James demanded, eyes narrowing. "He doesn't support Abraxas Malfoy, does he?" He'd assumed that Shaw had more enlightened views on blood status, but since he had never actually spoken to the other wizard about it, it was entirely possible that his assumption was wrong.
James didn't like the idea of playing on the same team as someone who thought so little of Muggleborns.
"No," Daphne murmured, "although there are a lot of people who do." She paused, considering her words carefully, and then said, "And there are a lot of people who believe that purebloods and half-bloods are better than Muggleborns, they just don't think that there should be legislation restricting Muggleborns' rights." Again, she paused, then said, "You know, the way you think that Gryffindors are better than anyone from the other Houses but don't actually think you should discriminate against people because of the Sorting."
James thought of Vanessa and flushed, wondering what she would say if she'd heard Daphne's words.
"It's loyalty, I guess," Daphne continued. "Loyalty to the group you belong to." Then her eyes darted away from James and across the pitch to the locker rooms once more, and she added, "But that's not what Eddie is upset about."
"Then why is he mad at me?"
"You just put his team in jeopardy," Daphne replied with a shrug. "He takes that very seriously."
"I did what?" James retorted in disbelief. "What are you talking about? I didn't do anything…"
"Oh, James, use your head," Daphne admonished with a light laugh. "You're a Potter. Malfoy can't just dismiss your views as the ramblings of a Muggleborn or even a half-blood. The last name Potter carries a lot of weight - people are going to listen to you. They're going to care about the things you say, the things you believe. Malfoy isn't going to risk a backlash by going after you directly - not if he can discredit you by going after the people you associate with."
James frowned. He hadn't really considered that. "So you're saying that Malfoy will go after this team as a means of getting to me?"
Daphne bestowed a smile on him and replied, "Exactly."
"And Shaw is upset about that?"
"Of course," Daphne replied. "He's put a lot of time and effort into building this team. Before he became captain, we were just average. Now we're most definitely above that. You know his reputation - people believe he is capable of all sorts of underhanded things, and they think he's willing to do whatever is necessary to win. And… well, in a lot of ways, he is. That's how the game is played, after all. That's what makes him a good captain."
"And I put all of that in jeopardy," James said slowly.
"It isn't just that you put it in jeopardy," Daphne corrected, "it's that you did it without any thought. It didn't even occur to you that what you were doing could have repercussions for the rest of us."
James swallowed uneasily, finally understanding and appreciating Shaw's anger towards him. But then he thought of Malfoy and his voice hardened as he said, "It was worth it."
"I think Shaw knows that," Daphne replied. "I think… deep down… he understands that there are things more important than Quidditch. After all, his mother was a Muggleborn. If she was still alive, this legislation would affect her."
"I didn't know Shaw was a half-blood," James said thoughtfully. Which wasn't really a surprise, because why would something like that ever come up on the Quidditch pitch?
Daphne pursed her lips together and said, "Honestly, I think the reason Shaw is so mad at you is because he knows you did the right thing."
"What?" James asked sharply. How did that make sense?
"If you'd done the wrong thing, he could be mad at you and it would be legitimate. But you not only put his team in danger, you also did it for all the right reasons, so you've taken away his legitimate claim against you. He can't be mad at you… and that's really making him furious."
James considered this in silence, then nodded slowly. "Alright," he said. "I get it." He chewed his lip, thinking, then asked, "Can you… can you do me a favor?"
"Sure."
"Tell Shaw that… that next time I will at least give him a warning before I decide to risk this team in pursuit of justice and all that stuff."
Daphne laughed. "I'll tell him," she promised. "But why can't you tell him yourself?"
"I've got something I need to do," James replied.
"No."
"Petunia, darling…"
"No, Mum. I am not going to let that… that freak…"
"Don't call your sister names, Petunia!"
Lily closed her eyes, blinking back the tears of frustration and hurt as she listened to the argument. She was certain her mother didn't realize that she had arrived. Petunia wouldn't care if Lily heard all of this, but Mrs. Evans at least did not like it when her younger daughter heard the continual arguments about magic.
"She'll ruin the wedding, Mum. I am not going to let her do that. I don't want her there, turning flowers into frogs and making the teacups dance!"
"That is not going to happen."
"I've already made up my mind. I made it up weeks ago, and you can't change it, Mum. Lily can come to the wedding if she wants, but she is not going to be a bridesmaid. It's my wedding and I won't let her."
"Tuney, darling…"
Lily decided now was a good time to announce her presence, and so she cleared her throat loudly and stepped into the parlor. "Hi, Mum," she said. "The front door was unlocked, I hope you don't mind that I just let myself in."
"Of course not, dear," Mrs. Evans said. She forced a smile, but Lily could see the strain and stress on her mother's face.
Petunia gave a huff of annoyance, flicked her blonde hair over one shoulder, and flounced out of the room.
Lily tried to smile for her mother's benefit, and asked in a tone of forced cheerfulness, "How is the wedding planning going?"
Mrs. Evans gazed at Lily for a moment, then asked, "How much of the argument did you hear?"
"What argument?" Lily replied innocently. Her mother was already under enough pressure from Petunia and Marge's constant demands, there was no reason for Lily to add any stress by admitting she'd heard what Petunia had said about her.
Besides, it wasn't as though there was anything that Mrs. Evans would ever be able to say to fix the relationship between the two estranged sisters.
Mrs. Evans wasn't fooled, but she let it go. "Well, come along," she said. "Everyone is already at the table."
Lily nodded and reluctantly followed her mother out of the room. Her parents' had decided that it would be a good idea to have supper with Vernon's family at least once before the wedding, and, much to both Lily and Petunia's consternation, they had insisted that Lily be there for it.
That meant at least a few hours of listening to Vernon drone on about drills. His boring monologue would be interrupted only by inane comments from his parents and snide remarks from Marge. And in addition to all of that, Lily would be subjected to bitter glances from Petunia.
It was going to be a long night.
And then Caradoc's face floated to the forefront of her mind, and she heard his voice telling her that she was always passionate, that she always felt something and she felt it strongly. She was someone who always stood up for herself and her beliefs, who didn't allow people to insult her without retaliating.
"Don't worry," Lily murmured coolly as she slid into the seat next to Petunia, "I won't make any of the teacups start dancing. We wouldn't want anyone to know you're related to a freak."
Petunia jolted in surprise, accidentally knocking over a glass of juice and spilling the liquid along the tablecloth and down the front of her blouse.
Lily smiled.
"Relax, Wormtail. I promise I didn't poison the drink," James said, rolling his eyes as Peter took a tentative sip from the glass.
"I still don't understand why you decided to drag me to a pub," Peter said, giving James a hesitant look. Then he wrinkled his nose and added, "And I don't understand why you didn't shower and change, first."
James looked down at the robes he was wearing and frowned. "I don't smell that bad," he protested. But, of course, he'd just spent the last several hours practicing Quidditch with Shaw yelling at him, and he had no doubt that he was both dirty and sweaty. He just didn't care.
Peter shrugged. "Keep telling yourself that, Prongs," he said, a hint of a smile playing at the corners of his lips. He took another sip and added slyly, "Anyway, it was never poison I was worried about. I just don't fancy ending up like Sirius."
James laughed and clapped Peter on the shoulder. "Don't worry, I promise there won't be a repeat of that prank."
"Good," Peter said. "Because I know the spell Padfoot used."
During their sixth year at Hogwarts, James had decided to prank Sirius by putting a love potion in his drink. Sirius had spent the next several hours proclaiming his love for every witch he saw - including Professor McGonagall.
It hadn't ended well for him.
It hadn't ended well for James, either. Sirius had retaliated a week later by charming James' robes to vanish while he was wearing them, leaving James only in his undergarments. James still wasn't sure how Sirius had done it, but it happened every day for an entire week, regardless of which pair of robes James was wearing. And it happened at random times, making it incredibly difficult for James to predict when it would occur.
James had taken to wearing Muggle trousers underneath his robes, and then those had started vanishing, too…
It probably would have gone on longer, but one day they vanished in the middle of Transfiguration and McGonagall had not been pleased.
The two wizards were both silent for a moment as they continued drinking their respective beverages, then Peter said, "You decided to take on Abraxas Malfoy."
"Yeah," James said, frowning slowly. "Although I am not sure I though this one through all the way." His conversation with Daphne was still weighing on his mind. Although he was sure that, if he had the whole thing to do over, he would still make the same decision, he was at least aware of how little thought he'd given to the repercussions this would have.
That was why he had finally sought out Peter, determined to right what had gone wrong between them. If Malfoy was going to target people James was close to, Peter would be at the top of that list, and James didn't want his friend facing this alone.
Peter shrugged. "I thought it was brilliant."
James grinned. "Thanks," he said. Then he frowned again. "You don't sound that enthusiastic."
Peter bristled. "I'm not siding with Malfoy if that is what you're worried about," he said.
"It's not," James assured him. "Look, Peter…" He trailed off for a minute, trying to figure out exactly what he wanted to say. "I get it. I get that you're worried about your father. I get that things are different now that we're not at Hogwarts. But we're your friends. You should have told us about Avery. You should have trusted us. We're on your side; you have to believe that."
Peter didn't answer.
"Come on, Wormtail, say something," James pressed. He needed Peter to at least acknowledge that they were all still on the same side. They were the Marauders, and nothing should be able to break them apart - especially not Avery.
"What do you want me to say?" Peter asked.
That wasn't the answer James was looking for. He didn't want Peter to feed him platitudes or repeat whatever he thought James wanted to hear. He wanted an actual conversation.
But any conversation they might have had was cut short by the appearance of Mary, who looked flushed and worried. "James, Peter!" she said. "Thank Merlin you're here. Lily's gone crazy."
"What?" James asked sharply, turning his attention away from Peter and focusing instead of the witch in front of him. "What about Evans?"
Mary pointed behind her, and James swiveled on the barstool until his gaze landed on the redhead sitting next to Alice at the other end of the pub.
She'd just taken a shot of something.
"Is Evans drinking?" Peter asked, his tone reflecting the bewilderment that James felt at witnessing the scene.
"I'm trying to convince her to go back to the flat, but she won't listen to me," Mary said. "Maybe you two can help convince her to leave? I don't think she's ever gotten drunk before and she's… well… belligerent."
James slid off the barstool. "What is she doing here?"
Mary gave James a guilty look. "It's my fault," she admitted. "Lily was over at her parents' house, with her sister and the oaf her sister is marrying. And the oaf's family. Apparently it was a horrible evening. When she came back to the flat she was really upset. I told her she should go get drunk." James gave Mary and incredulous look and Mary said defensively, "It was a joke. I didn't think she'd actually agree."
James pushed past Mary, wondering idly what Lily would be like. Mary had said belligerent, but Lily had always been argumentative towards him, so that wouldn't be anything new.
As he approached, he could see Alice clearly trying to get Lily to leave, but Lily was refusing. She was determinedly grasping the bar with one hand and ineffectually pushing at Alice with the other. But Alice, at least, was sober, and so was able to hold her own against the inebriated redhead.
"I'm having fun, Alice!" Lily was saying as James approached. "And I deserve to have fun. Because Tuney's a right… prig." She frowned. "No, that's not right. Pr… pr… prot? Pogot? Pr…"
"Prat?" James supplied.
Lily started and turned towards him. "Takes one to know one!" she shot back.
"I wasn't calling you a prat, Evans," James said, amused. "I was suggesting that the word you were looking for to describe your sister was prat."
"Are you calling my sister a prat?" Lily demanded, her words slurring. "What gives you th' right to insult m' family?"
"No, I was… oh, never mind," James said. He eyed the shot glass in front of her. "What were you drinking?"
"A drink," Lily replied unhelpfully. Then she tilted her head to the side and stated matter-of-factly, "You're an arrogant toerag, Potter."
James winced a little, and then retorted, "You're a judgmental know-it-all."
"Am not!" Lily said, surging to her feet in defiance. As it turned out, that action was too much for her alcohol-addled sense of balance, and she proceeded to topple forward and collapse against James.
"Merlin, Evans, how much have you had to drink?" James asked as he carefully untangled her from him. Once he had extricated himself from her arms - and tried very hard to ignore the feeling of her fingers grasping at his clothing because that brought up way too many fantasies he didn't have time to think about at the moment - he settled her back onto the barstool.
"I dunno. A few?" Lily replied.
"Lils, come on," Alice said. "Let's get you home."
"You're lucky, Alice," Lily said. "I wish I was as lucky as you."
"Um… right. Well…"
"Frank is boring," Lily said.
"He is not!" Alice protested immediately. "How is being an Auror boring?"
"It's okay, though," Lily said, patting Alice on the shoulder. Or, at least, trying to. Her hand missed a couple of times and she instead slapped Alice on the side of the head, but seemed entirely unaware of this. Instead, she just gave a vague smile and said, "You're boring, too."
James had expected Alice to protest this perceived insult as well, but instead she exchanged a look with Mary and said, "Lils, come on… you'll find someone else."
"Why can't I be boring?" Lily demanded angrily. "Or why couldn't Caradoc be interesting?" She paused, frowning, and then said firmly, "I should go find Caradoc and make him interesting!"
"What's this about Dearborn?" James heard Peter ask Mary.
"He called things off with Lily," Mary murmured in reply.
James spun around to stare at Mary in surprise. "Why would he do that?" he demanded. He had spent a lot of time being jealous of Dearborn, and he'd spent a lot of time trying to come up with reasons to despise the other wizard. It wasn't until after meeting Vanessa that James had finally let go of his annoyance that Dearborn was the one dating Lily. And once he had done that, once he had been able to view the other wizard in a more objective manner, he'd come to the conclusion that Dearborn was a perfectly decent and responsible wizard who clearly cared very deeply for Lily.
Why would he end things with her?
"I'm not passionate about us," Lily said morosely. "That's what he said. I'm supposed to be more passionate." She was silent for a moment, then added thoughtfully, "Maybe if I snogged him more…"
"Alright, Evans," James interrupted, not really wanting to hear that particular thought continued, "I think it's time for you to go home."
"You are still immature," Lily said. "And you wasted my time with chizpurle. Chizpfle… chizpurlef… chiz-something…"
Alice gave James a confused look.
"Chizpurfle fang," James explained. "It's a potion ingredient." To Lily, he said, "Alright, here's the thing. I'm going back to your flat now. So if you want to continue telling me all the ways that I am immature, you're going to need to come with me."
Lily stood up immediately, and kept her balance better this time. She was still swaying, and Mary and Alice quickly moved forward to support her. But despite the fact that she was tottering unsteadily, she willingly followed James from the pub.
Apparently she really wanted to tell him all the reasons she thought he was still immature.
"You have so much bloody potential and you waste it on bloody pranks and getting girls to shag you and being popular, and it's annoying," Lily said, and James started at the language she was using. He couldn't remember the last time he'd heard her talk like that.
He couldn't remember if he'd ever heard her talk like that.
"The article… was… brilliant, Potter. Do you know that?"
James felt the heat creep into his cheeks at her compliment. Even if she was so drunk that she was stammering and stumbling over her words, he still couldn't help but smile at the fact that she thought he was brilliant.
"You get everything. Everything. You don't even have to… have to… work… at it. You're just nature…natura… naturally gifted. Bloody gifted. It's bloody annoying because then you go and waste it. And you have so many… so many good things in your life… like… like Vanessa Lovely and you… ruin them… with… with…" Here Lily trailed off and stopped talking entirely.
James stared at her. "With what?" he asked.
But now they were outside the pub completely, and the cool air seemed to have taken away Lily's energy. She sagged against Alice and said quietly, "Petunia doesn't even want me to come to the wedding. She told me after dinner. She said… she said I should pretend to be… sick. Or really be sick. She thinks I'll ruin it." She closed her eyes and said in a suddenly sober voice, "I thought this would stop hurting me so much."
"Oh, Lils," Alice murmured comfortingly.
"Caradoc called things off, Petunia hates me, and even if I do well at this potion, Healer Lanwick will make sure I don't make it to the next round of the program. I just want… I want something in my life to go right. You know?"
"Yeah, Lily," Alice said, "we know."
The sunlight was blinding.
There was something wrong with that - it was England, after all, and even in the summer, the sunlight was never blinding. It never caused sharp bursts of white-hot pain to race through the skull. It wasn't supposed to hurt this much.
"Good morning, sunshine," a voice said cheerfully, and Lily cracked open one eye.
"No, it's not," she said hoarsely. "Merlin, Mary, what happened to me?"
"It's called a hang-over, Lily," Mary said, entering the bedroom with a glass in one hand. "Drink this. It's a potion, it should help. At least a little."
Lily wrinkled her nose at the foul smell, but downed the potion in one gulp. It would be worth it, she decided, if it made her head stop hurting. Anything would be worth getting rid of this migraine.
Her stomach rolled over and she groaned, fighting back the queasy feeling.
"You had a bit too much to drink last night," Mary said.
Lily nodded, and then immediately regretted it as the movement made her head start pounding. She winced and rubbed at her temples.
"I don't remember much," she admitted slowly. Everything was still hazy regardless of how frantically she tried to grab at the pieces. It made her uneasy that she had so little memory of the previous night, and she asked with apprehension, "Did I do anything embarrassing?"
Mary smirked. "Depends on what you consider embarrassing," she replied teasingly. Lily gave her an annoyed look, and she relented, saying "It wasn't too bad. You told Alice that she and Frank were boring, told James he was an arrogant toerag, and told all of us about your dinner with Petunia."
"Potter was there?" Lily asked immediately. She closed her eyes, trying desperately to recall what had happened, but the vague memories evaded her. Still… she had a feeling whatever happened hadn't been good. What had she said to Potter?
Mary must have seen Lily's concern, because she said, "You called James arrogant and immature. You also called him brilliant, but said he wasted all of his potential and ruined the good things he had." She shrugged. "Honestly, Lily, it wasn't anything you wouldn't have said to him while you were completely sober, too."
"Why was he even there?"
"He and Peter were already at the pub," Mary explained, sitting down on the edge of Lily's bed. "After it became clear that you'd had a bit too much to drink, Alice tried to get you to leave. You refused very adamantly, and so I went to get James and Peter for support."
Lily groaned.
"It was a good thing, too," Mary said, frowning at Lily. "James is the one who managed to get you back to the flat."
"I don't remember any of it," Lily complained.
"Well, next time don't drink as much," Mary replied sensibly.
Lily closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. That, too, proved to be a mistake and she almost immediately felt like gagging. But, fortunately, the nausea passed soon enough.
"Really, what in Merlin's name possessed you to drink that much last night?" Mary pressed.
"You suggested it!"
Mary rolled her eyes. "It was a joke, and you knew that," she replied pointedly. "Besides, I've suggested you do a lot of things over the years and you rarely listened to me."
Lily pursed her lips and didn't answer. It wasn't that she didn't have an answer - she did. She knew exactly why she had decided getting drunk last night was a good idea. But she didn't really want to talk about it with Mary.
Although, given how little memory she had of the previous night, it was entirely possible that she had already told Mary everything that was bothering her.
It wasn't just the break up with Caradoc. That hurt, of course, but combined with everything else…
If the main problem in her relationship with Caradoc had been that it was too easy, what did that say about her? Did it mean that everything in her life had to be difficult? That her identity was wrapped up in choosing battles that would end up hurting her? She had taken on the Wolfsbane potion, even knowing that it would most likely ruin her chances of continuing on in the program. She kept trying to hold onto her friendship with Petunia even though her sister refused to reciprocate.
She sighed and rubbed blearily at her eyes.
"This isn't you," Mary said flatly.
Lily glanced at her, one eyebrow raised.
Mary shrugged. "I'm just saying… the Lily I knew at Hogwarts didn't get drunk just because some things went wrong in her life. She didn't sit around moping about how things were unfair. When someone pushed her around, she didn't lie on the floor and let them. She got up and fought back."
Lily gave a bitter smile and said, "The Lily at Hogwarts had the backing of most of the Hogwarts staff. The Lily at Hogwarts knew that the most she was ever risking was a detention of a few well-placed hexes. I don't have that here."
Mary inclined her head. "Well, I can agree with you on the detention and hexes issue - you do have a lot more to lose now. But as for the backing of the staff… I think you would find that there are some very influential people willing to support you if you would just let them. Besides…" She stood up and ran her hand down the length of her robes, smoothing out the wrinkles, "if you really believe in what you're doing, isn't it worth the risks?"
"Well, it's nice to see you aren't drunk today, Evans," James said cheerfully.
Lily flushed. "About that," she said hesitantly, "I… uh… I don't really remember much of what happened, but I'm sorry if I said anything that… you know… offended you."
"Don't worry about it," James said, waving away her apology. "It's not like I haven't heard all those insults from you before."
"Right, well…" Lily trailed off, unsure of what to say next, and settled instead for looking at the stack of books James was carrying. "What is that?" she asked.
"A few books I found on transfiguration theory," James said enthusiastically. He settled them on the kitchen table and picked up the first one. "I think this one will be the most helpful. It's about curses that cause the victim to transform themselves into animals. It's interesting, because the caster doesn't have to pick a specific animal. The victim will just spontaneously transform into whatever animal they most closely resemble. And then they're stuck like that."
"So… it's like forcing someone to become an Animagus? Only the person can't change back on their own?" Lily asked curiously, taking the book and flipping through the pages. "I've never heard of them."
"The spells are incredibly difficult and require a lot of power," James answered. "Also, the International Confederation of Wizards banned their use in official duels back in the early 1600s."
"Potter, this is… this is great," Lily murmured, reading the table of contents. "I didn't even think to look at these kinds of spells… There could be something in here."
James grinned at the praise.
They worked in companionable silence for a while, each taking notes. Once or twice, Lily found herself glancing up at James. Although he had been helpful - albeit somewhat annoying - at their other work session, this was the first time she'd seen him really apply himself to the research. He barely spoke, and when he did it was to discuss whatever interesting passage he had found or to offer ideas for practical testing.
He was different today, and Lily couldn't figure out why. She was tempted to ask, but then decided against it. Why start pressing for explanations when she could just enjoy the change in his behavior? Knowing James, it wasn't likely to last.
Towards the end of their research session, however, James managed to surprise her one more time.
He cleared his throat and looked up from his book. "You know," he said casually, "Sirius ran away from home a couple years back."
Lily nodded slowly, confused by the seemingly random comment. She had known about Sirius; almost everyone in Gryffindor seemed to know about his final split from his family. It had been frequently brought up in the often public fights with Regulus, and gossip spread like wildfire through Hogwarts.
"Sometimes family disappoints you," James continued quietly. "Sometimes… sometimes things get too broken to be fixed." He met Lily's eyes. "So you make your own family. It might not be perfect, it might not be exactly what you want, and it might hurt that you can't fix things with your blood kin, but… it can still be good enough. It can still make you happy."