The end was anticlimactic.
Lily wasn't really sure what she had expected. Something more than this, more than merely bottling up her potion, writing a few paragraphs about her theory and technique, and then handing it over to Healer Lanwick, who accepted it with a stern frown.
But this was it - the end. The program was over.
The sun had set by the time she left the building and made her way along the sidewalk in the direction of her flat. The faint light from the streetlamps cast flickering shadows all around her. She shivered slightly, and pulled her arms tightly around herself, unable to explain why she was suddenly so cold.
She picked up her pace.
She wasn't sure what she would do the next day. Tomorrow was a Saturday - she could go visit her parents. But they were probably busy with the details of Petunia's wedding, and she would just be in the way. She hated that feeling, that knowledge… hated knowing that she was slowly becoming a permanent outsider in her own family. But it seemed as though there was little she could do about it. No matter how proud her parents were of her accomplishments, they were still Muggles and she was still a witch and they didn't belong in her world.
And Petunia was making sure that Lily no longer belonged in theirs.
The wind rustled through the bare tree branches and she glanced up towards the night sky. It wasn't quite a full moon.
It was strange, standing there on the sidewalk, gazing upwards. Everything had changed over the past few months, and her life was no longer anything like what she had expected it would be when she had first started the potions program. And yet, she still couldn't pinpoint exactly when it had all changed. It was simply different now.
She let out a breath. Change was inevitable, but still…
It wasn't that she was nostalgic for Hogwarts or her life before magic, though she had to admit that everything seemed simpler back then. And it wasn't as though she was afraid of change itself, though it was never something that she fully embraced.
No… her reluctance now was something different. Some sixth sense, some instinct or intuition… something.
Something reminding her that not all change was good.
The air grew colder, and she began to walk once more.
James was waiting for her when she arrived home. He was sitting in her flat, lounging carelessly on the sofa and laughing with Mary, and looking for all the world as though he truly belonged right there.
And Lily found that she didn't mind.
"Lils," Mary said, jumping to her feet as Lily entered the flat. Her face was flushed and her eyes were bright, and her smile was just a bit too broad, and it only took Lily a split second to figure out what had happened.
Placing her hands on her hips, she spun to face James and said in a tone of mock disapproval, "Did you get Mary drunk, Potter?"
James rose to his feet as well, swiping a bottle of Butterbeer from the table and holding it out to Lily. "It's your last day in the program," he said, "and I came by to celebrate this with you. It's not my fault Mary decided to start drinking a bit early."
Lily frowned as she accepted the bottle from James. "What did you give her? Because she has obviously had more than just Butterbeer."
"Oh, James brought Firewhiskey as well," Mary supplied helpfully. "It's in the kitchen. Would you like some?"
"No, thank you," Lily declined. She looked down at her Butterbeer and sighed, feeling a burn of tears in her eyes. She blinked rapidly, forcing them back, and hoped that no one had noticed.
This wasn't something she wanted to celebrate. Although she still had her internship with Belby to look forward to, the end of the program didn't feel like an accomplishment. She'd stood up for what she believed in, and it had cost her. She'd never had to pay such a price for her opinions - except when she'd lost Severus' friendship. And now it had become crystal clear that this type of loss might become a constant in her life.
But Mary and James didn't seem to notice her melancholy.
"So… how did it feel?" Mary asked, leaning forward eagerly. "To finally turn in your potion, to be done?"
"Anticlimactic," Lily answered truthfully. She took a sip of the Butterbear and gave a half-shrug. "And besides, it isn't really over. I'll still be working on the Wolfsbane potion for a while. At least another month." She crossed the flat and sat down on the sofa. "And I'll still have to prove myself."
James resumed his seat next to her, and said softly, "But it will be different. Belby is going to be judging you solely on your abilities and passion."
"I know," Lily agreed. She didn't say anything else, unwilling to spoil the good mood in the room with her somber thoughts. But she couldn't shake the feeling that something was coming for her - for all of them.
Mary glanced between James and Lily, and then gave Lily a wink and said, "I am going to go… be somewhere else." And she slipped quickly from the room.
"She's very subtle," James said wryly.
Lily bit back a smile. It was odd, she reflected, how much things had changed. Once upon a time, Mary's obvious desire to give James and Lily some privacy would have bothered the redhead. But Lily didn't mind it now. The idea of sitting spending time alone with James wasn't entirely comfortable, but it didn't enrage her either.
After all, she'd spent plenty of time alone with him before, working on the potion.
That thought brought a question to her mind, and she said tentatively, "I haven't seen you in a while."
James sighed, his expression clouding over. "I think I might have done something stupid," he admitted.
"Oh, you mean more stupid than usual?" Lily asked teasingly, one eyebrow raised.
James rolled his eyes at her, then said flatly, "Yes." And proceeded to tell her about his conversation with Mrs. Lestrange.
Lily felt a chill run the length of her spine as James concluded the story. The feeling of unease was settling even more heavily onto her chest, and she couldn't stop the fear that came with it.
James closed his eyes for a moment, and Lily took the opportunity to study him closely. He was upset, and angry. But there was another emotion etched into the lines of his face, and it took her a moment to recognize it for what it was.
Shame.
She started. She had never expected to see that feeling in James Potter's face.
But she knew why he was feeling it, and before she could really think over the consequences of pursuing the topic, she heard herself ask, "Why did you do it?"
James opened his eyes and looked at her, and didn't even pretend to misunderstand.
"Because of Vanessa," he answered honestly. He paused for a moment, a contemplative look crossing his features as he tried to gather his thoughts, then pushed on, "I… I meant what I said before, that night I stopped by to… argue… with you. I don't want to do this. I don't want to be this person. But Vanessa… when we broke up, she told me that I was a hypocrite because I had no qualms about asking her to risk her safety for me, but I wasn't willing to do the same to you."
"You didn't ask her to do this," Lily countered.
James shrugged. "Maybe not, but I'm the one who got her involved in the first place. I'm the one who asked her to help me write that article for the Daily Prophet, and if I hadn't done that, Lestrange would never have even noticed her. He wouldn't have thought to approach her and…" He trailed off, his voice thick with guilt.
"I'm sorry," Lily murmured. "When I… when I heard what had happened to Vanessa… I thought about visiting you, but I wasn't sure…" She trailed off as well, and didn't finish the thought.
She didn't know how to put it all into words. She hadn't been sure that he would want to see her, given that she was partially responsible for his break up with Vanessa. She also hadn't been ready to see him herself. Her emotions had been too raw, too conflicted.
They were raw now, too, but with James sitting here, looking at her with that lost and bewildered expression, she found herself reaching out to squeeze his hand.
"What happened to her wasn't your fault," she said.
James shook his head, refusing to accept her statement. "It was," he said finally, hoarsely. "It wasn't entirely my fault, of course." His voice grew cold and bitter as he added, "I can't take all the credit for it. But I do get some of it."
Lily didn't answer. She couldn't counter what he said – his actions had consequences. All their actions had consequences, and wasn't that a horrible lesson to learn?
"So when I saw that she had been attacked, when I saw that she was in the hospital… I was just so angry, and I felt so much guilt, and I… I don't know. I can't really explain why I thought it would be a good idea to resort to blackmail. I just… did it." He withdrew his hand from Lily's grip and ran it through his own hair. "It was wrong."
"You were trying to protect your friends," Lily said.
"The wrong thing for the right reason is still the wrong thing." He hesitated for a moment, then said in a tired voice, "And isn't it ironic that I am the one telling you that?"
Lily laughed hollowly. How many times at Hogwarts had she yelled at him that he couldn't justify hexing Slytherins just because they believed in pureblood supremacy?
"I don't know what made me think I could ever beat a Lestrange at this," James continued wearily. "I have no idea how she is going to retaliate, but I know it is going to be… unpleasant. This thing that I started…"
"No," Lily cut in suddenly, firmly. "No, you're wrong about that."
James looked at her in surprise, taken aback by the volume and strength of her voice, and even she was a little surprised at how strongly she felt about this.
"Evans…" James began, but she cut him off quickly.
"Potter, you're right that blackmailing Lestrange was the wrong thing to do. And you're right that your actions had consequences, and some of what happened to Vanessa Lovely might be your fault. And you are right that something is coming, something bad. A fight of some sort, and it isn't going to be easy on any of us."
She paused, leaning forward and taking both his hands in her own once more. This was important. This was something he had to understand, something she had to make him understand.
"But you did not start this." James looked like he wanted to protest, and she pushed on quickly, "Lysander Lestrange's legislation started this. Lucius Malfoy's threats against Remus started this. Black being kicked out of his family started this. Or, I suppose, it really started long before either of us began at Hogwarts. They were always going to come for you. For us. I'm a Mudblood, Potter, and you are a blood traitor, and they were always coming for us."
Running into Caradoc in Diagon Alley might not have been the most uncomfortable and awkward thing to ever happen to Lily, but it was certainly at the top of the list. Particularly when she realized he was on a date.
"Lily," Caradoc said. "I… uh…" He glanced at the girl next to him, the pretty brunette who had her fingers woven through his, and cleared his throat. "Do you remember Madge Larson?"
"Oh… sure…of course," Lily said. "From Hogwarts, right?"
The minute the words were out of her mouth, Lily wished she could take them back. It was a stupid thing to say. The girl was British and looked to be about their age - of course she'd gone to Hogwarts. And Lily didn't recognize her at all.
Madge smiled, noting Lily's discomfort. "I was a year ahead of you and Caradoc," she said politely. "In Ravenclaw."
"Ah. Right," Lily said, still drawing a blank. She wondered vaguely if Madge had known who she was at Hogwarts, or only knew her now because Caradoc had just introduced them. "I don't think we ever spoke to each other."
"No," Madge agreed, "we didn't. But it is nice to finally meet you. Caradoc told me a little about you. You want to be a potioneer, right? You were accepted into some prestigious program, I believe."
Lily winced inwardly. This was hardly something she wanted to talk about, but there really didn't appear to be a graceful way to get out of it.
"Yes," she said. "I worked on the Wolfsbane potion."
"Oh, I thought that was just a myth," Madge said in some surprise.
"It's not," Lily answered, a bit more flatly than she had intended. She doubted Caradoc would date anyone who was completely prejudiced against werewolves, but she still vividly remembered Emma's hesitant reaction when Lily had chosen that potion, and couldn't help but wonder if Madge carried the same bias.
Madge opened her mouth to say something, and Lily decided immediately that she had no desire to continue any conversation about potions, so she switched the topic quickly.
"And what do you do?"
"Oh, I work at the Ministry," Madge replied easily enough. "I'm a secretary there. Nothing too exciting."
"That sounds nice," Lily lied. It sounded incredibly boring, but she wasn't about to say that.
There was a moment of awkward silence, then Caradoc said, "Well, it was nice to see you, Lily."
Lily gave an internal sigh of relief and jumped at the opportunity to escape. "You, too," she said with a slightly forced smile. "And it was nice to meet you, Madge. I'll just let you two get back to your… uh… date."
Caradoc nodded, and Madge murmured a goodbye, and the two of them moved past Lily. She turned to watch them go, pushing a few strands of hair out of her eyes and letting her gaze fall once more to their interlocked fingers. She watched with a bittersweet pang as Madge leaned in towards Caradoc and he turned to smile down at her. She could see the closeness between them, the intimacy, and when Madge lifted her gaze to Caradoc's face, her eyes shone with a bright intensity, like he was the only person in the entire world she wanted to see.
Lily let out a long breath. Had she ever looked at Caradoc like that?
The answer to that question was all too obvious, and she turned away from the happy couple, unable to watch them any more.
The weekend passed uneventfully for James. Sirius and Remus had clearly gotten into another argument, and although he had no idea what it was about, he was somehow stuck in the middle of it. Both of his friends wanted him to take their side, and yet neither would give him a straight answer as to why they were arguing in the first place.
Beyond that, he had other concerns to fill his time. He wanted to send Vanessa some flowers as a get-well gift, but hadn't been able to compose the note. He'd put quill to paper several times, and had so far only been able to come up with two words that he didn't immediately cross out.
Monday came and went as well, and then Lily showed up on his doorstep.
She looked tired. Her skin was pale and there were dark circles under her eyes and her hair was falling out of a loose ponytail and blowing in the wind. But she was smiling.
"Evans," he said. "How was your first day with Potioneer Belby?"
"Long," Lily said truthfully. "And brutal. I think my head might explode. I have no idea how I am going to survive a full month of this. And if he takes me as an apprentice for even longer..."
James gave her a scrutinizing look, and then said slowly, "But you are loving it."
Lily grinned. "Every single second."
"I'm glad," James replied.
"I hope you don't mind that I stopped by," Lily continued. "I know it's late - already nine o'clock. I just wanted to say… thank you. For… well… this."
James started, surprised by the sentiment. He knew that she was grateful, though she'd had some trouble getting over her prejudice against anything that resembled charity, but he hadn't expected her to actually say it.
"You're welcome," he replied. "Do you want to come in? I'm not really doing anything. Just… attempting to write a note to Vanessa." And he gestured behind him towards the vase of crimson flowers that stood on the side table in the entrance hall, and to the several wads of crumpled parchment next to the vase.
"I take it you are having trouble with that?" Lily asked.
James sighed. "It's hard. I don't even know what I want to say. I've only managed to come up with two words that don't sound horribly trite or vengeful when I write them."
"If you can only settle on two words, then maybe those are the only two worth saying," Lily pointed out. She paused for a moment, frowning at him, and then asked, "Vengeful?"
"My first iteration might have blamed her for tempting me with the information from Lestrange…" James muttered, blushing slightly. He'd actually burnt that note, so mortified by it that he couldn't stand to have it in the waste bin.
"Do you?" Lily asked, and at his blank stare, she elaborated, "Do you blame her?"
"No," James answered. "Not really. I just wish she hadn't… I wish she had listened to me. Listened to what I wanted."
"People who love you are always going to try to do what they think is best for you, whether you agree with it or not," Lily murmured knowingly. She stepped around him and walked to the vase, then touched one of the flowers carefully, running a finger over the petal. "These are beautiful."
"Remus helped me pick them out," James admitted. "I'm not really good with this sort of thing."
"I never would have guessed," Lily deadpanned.
"I'll have you know I am much better than Sirius," James defended himself. "At least I know that girls actually like flowers." He didn't go on to say that he'd finally settled on these flowers because the red reminded him of passion and fire. Admitting to that seemed just a little bit too… girly.
"Now that I can believe," Lily remarked. She turned back to him. "I do appreciate what you did for me," she said. "With Belby and… all those other times. I might not have always agreed on your methods, but I know you were just trying to help."
"I was," James agreed. "I want to. Always." Lily gave him an oddly knowing look, and he added, "It means a lot… to Remus… having you work on this potion."
"Yes," Lily agreed. "And I am sure it means a lot… to Remus… that you are helping me."
The subtext of that sentence was blatantly clear, and James felt his heart beat just a little bit faster.
"I'll let you get back to your letter writing," Lily said, nodding her head towards the flowers. She turned towards the still partially open door, and stepped out into the night.
"Evans," James said suddenly. Lily paused and looked back at him, an eyebrow raised, and he said quickly, "I am sure you have a lot of wizards who want to go out with you . And I'm not… everything with Vanessa is still… fresh, and I'm not really ready for anything new. But if you're not dating anyone in the future, maybe in a month or two… and if I were to ask you out on a date… would you say yes?"
Surprise flashed through Lily's eyes, and she hesitated, and James' felt his hopes plummet just a little bit. What had he expected? He knew she wanted to be friends with him, but she'd spent years turning him down at Hogwarts and it was foolish to hope that her feelings would change that much.
But then she smiled faintly and answered, "You know what, Potter? I think I just might."
After Lily had left, James walked over to the flowers sitting in the vase on the table and picked up a piece of parchment and his quill. He stared at them for a long moment, and the dark red suddenly reminded him not so much of fire or passion but instead, morbidly, of blood.
He still wasn't sure if he was angry at Vanessa. If she'd never gotten that information for him, he wouldn't have been able to use it against the Lestranges, and he wouldn't currently be feeling so unclean. It was his decision to use it, not hers, and he should have stopped himself, should have known better. But if she had just respected his wishes enough not to tempt him with it…
Then again, that information had bought him time. Maybe not much, but a little. It was protecting his friends, at least for now, and Lily had been right about one thing; he hadn't started this. The Lestranges would have come after him no matter what. So maybe a few moments of safety and security was all he could really hope for, and Vanessa had been the one to help him get it.
And, anyway, he couldn't blame her for his own actions, no matter how much of a role she had played in them. He could only take responsibility for what he had done.
Lily had been right about something else as well.
If you can only settle on two words, then maybe those are the only two worth saying.
He pressed his quill to the parchment, and wrote.
I'm sorry.