Everything happens to me.
It’s over. The Elder Wand is grasped tightly in his hand. The building they were dueling in has been reduced to rubble. He glances up. There’s no ceiling left. He collapses on the ground next to Gellert.
He takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes. He doesn’t want to look at Gellert’s body. He doesn’t want to look at the wanton destruction around them. He has won. That’s all that matters. He has put an end to Europe’s greatest threat.
He has spent months tracking, looking, planning to kill his love, his life, his light who became his enemy, his tragedy, his darkness. It’s finally over. The duel was the most grueling battle he had ever engaged in, and Gellert had the Elder Wand on his side. He doesn’t know how he won. The Elder Wand should be invincible. He doesn’t care. He’ll worry about wandlore later.
Albus feels moisture on his cheeks. He opens his eyes with a start. He hasn’t cried in years.
Black cats creep across my path until I’m almost mad
I must have roused the devil’s wrath ‘cause all my luck is bad
When he was nine, everything changed forever. Ariana was broken. She would never have control of her magic ever again. Father was gone. There was no trial. He didn’t want anyone to know why he had attacked those Muggle boys, since the authorities would’ve put Ariana in long term care in St Mungo’s. So Father went to Azkaban. He would spend the rest of his life behind bars, tormented by Dementors, only returning to his family in a coffin. A few months after Father left, he realized that he was queer. He had cried for Ariana, and cried for Father. And after that, he had stopped crying. His mum needed him. Aberforth and Ariana needed him too.
Secrets became his way of life. He learned to hide. Like the poem that his mother quoted often, he told all the truth, but he told it slant.
I never miss a thing.
I’ve had the measles and mumps.
At eleven, he was bitter. Everyone whispered about him, –There he is, Dumbledore. His dad Crucioed Muggles! He’s in Azkaban for life.â€
As if they don’t know that his mother was a Muggle born witch. As if they hadn’t been scorning his father for muddying the pure-blood Dumbledore family when he married.
They had no idea. He wanted to shout at them, –And what would you do if your sister, if your daughter was tormented by Muggles?†As if any of their fathers would have done anything less than murder them all. Their fathers would have been glad of the excuse.
He did everything he could to stop the rumors. No one else would go near Elphias Doge who had come to Hogwarts with Dragon Pox. So he did. At his Sorting, when the Hat suggested he might do well in Slytherin, with his cunning, resourceful mind, he insisted on going into Gryffindor. After all, Gryffindor was his Muggle born mother’s house. Slytherin was his pure-blood father’s. Even if he has his father’s eyes, he is also his mother’s child. He tries to make everyone remember that.
When that didn’t stop the whispers, he buried everything under his brilliance. He had the talent to be the best, so he worked harder and read more. He worked until he passed out. Then he got up and worked some more. He read everything he could get his hands on, and snuck into the Restricted Section more times than anyone needed to know about. No one whispered about Father, when he was the most brilliant student to ever grace Hogwarts. He impressed first the OWL and then the NEWT examiners by doing things they had never seen.
He grew arrogant. He was a prefect, and then he was the Head Boy, but there would always be prefects and Head Boys. He was the youth representative for Britain to the Wizengamot. He helped decide international policy - for a two year term from fifteen to seventeen, one of the youngest youth representatives ever. He was the best that ever was.
I guess I’m just a fool who never looks before he jumps.
Everything happens to me.
At seventeen, Albus became the man of the house. Instead of the triumphant trip around the world that he had been saving for since third year when Elphias had first suggested it, he went home to Godric’s Hollow. He went home to bury his mother and become caretaker for his brother and sister.
He knew he shouldn’t blame Aberforth or Ariana. But he did anyway. Like any seventeen year old, he blamed everyone but himself. He blamed Father for not letting Ariana be taken to St Mungo’s and dying in Azkaban. He blamed Mother for dying. He blamed Ariana for having no control of her magic. He blamed the Muggle boys for their all too human cruelty. He blamed Aberforth for understanding their sister better than he did. If Aberforth were the eldest, then he would be fine taking care of Ariana. What would he do once Aberforth went back to Hogwarts in September?
He should have known that his plans to travel the world would be ruined by his family. They ruined everything.
He couldn’t even make plans to look for work, though he knew he ought to. They couldn’t live on what was left in their family vault forever. Aberforth still had two more years of school and Ariana needed to be taken care of.
He was the oldest. He had to find work. It was his responsibility. After Aberforth left in September, it would be up to him to take care of Ariana. He couldn’t make himself be bothered. They could live on his traveling money for awhile. The money he was supposed to have spent in Italy, in Greece, in Egypt, in Mali, in Arabia, in China, in Japan, in Peru, in Brazil...
At first my heart thought you could break this jinx for me
That love would turn the trick to end despair.
If his mother hadn’t died, he would have been in Paris with Elphias. Instead he sat, waiting for Bathilda Bagshot, his mother’s only friend in Godric’s Hollow to arrive. They would be the only attendees of Kendra Dumbledore’s funeral.
However, old Mrs Bagshot didn’t come alone. She arrived with a grand nephew of hers from Germany, Gellert Grindelwald. He looked wild, with curly blonde hair down to his shoulders. Albus felt his heart pound in his chest, blood rushing in his ears. While he had been interested in other boys before, his infatuation ended as soon as they opened their mouths and he realized just how dumb they were. They weren’t good enough for him.
Albus barely heard the service. He had to keep stopping himself from turning and staring at the German boy. He tried to insist to himself that Gellert would be like all the others - as soon as he opened his mouth, it would be painfully clear that he was all looks and no brains.
Gellert gave his condolences after the funeral. His voice sent a shiver down Dumbledore’s spine. –Can I buy you something to eat or drink? Something sweet perhaps, to help remove some the bitterness from your mother’s passing?†He smiled, just a little, and Albus felt his heart contract in his chest.
Albus paused. Aberforth was at home with Ariana. They wouldn’t mind if he stayed out for a little while longer. –Yes, that would be nice.â€
They ended up talking for hours. Albus smiled and laughed for the first time in what felt like months, maybe even years.
In Gellert, Albus found everything he had been looking for, even the things he hadn’t known he needed. Gellert wasn’t just physically gorgeous, he was really the first person that Albus had ever met that could stand up to him intellectually. He also possessed a singular clarity of vision. He knew what he wanted from the world. He saw the evils of the world, and he knew precisely how to fix them.
Gellert felt like cool, crisp water while Albus had been dying of thirst, alone in a vast desert wasteland. It wasn’t just necessary for his survival. He needed more. He needed Gellert to survive. At least, that’s how he felt that summer.
He shared things with Gellert that he had never shared with anyone before. One afternoon, while they lounged under a tree, taking a break from looking for the Deathly Hallows, Albus told Gellert about Ariana and his father.
Gellert didn’t say anything at first, but he slipped his hand into Albus’s and squeezed tight. They stayed there for a moment, Albus feeling more vulnerable than he has in years... since he was nine and he realized that he was never going to see his father again.
Gellert reached and pulled Albus’s head on to his shoulder. Albus stiffened. –Relax,†Gellert whispered in that amazing voice of his. –Albus... I would never leave you. Not willingly. I would fight for you. For us. For our future. For the future of this world.â€
Albus tried not to cry into Gellert’s shoulder. He failed. He breathed the sweet scent of Gellert’s skin and his hair, and tried to memorize it. He wanted to remember this feeling forever.
–Those Muggles that harmed your sister... they’re the reason that we have to rule this world, Albus. Muggles can’t control themselves. It’s for the greater good. We are better than them.â€
In that moment, Albus was converted whole-heartedly. Wizards and witches would rule the world. They were better than Muggles. Together, he and Gellert would find the Deathly Hallows. They would be Masters of Death and of the universe. He would be with Gellert forever.
But now I just can't fool this head that thinks for me.
I've mortgaged all my castles in the air.
–And what are you going to do about Ariana?†Aberforth demanded. –I’m going back to Hogwarts in the fall. Are you just planning on taking her with you on this mad trip around the world?â€
He hadn’t thought about it. He was in love - and for the first time in his life. And for the first time in months he felt like he knew what he had to do.
Albus snapped back to reality and realized that Gellert and Aberforth were still arguing.
He opened his mouth to tell them both to stop when suddenly Gellert shouted, –Crucio!â€
His brother lay on the floor, screaming.
–No, Gellert, stop!†He begged.
–He doesn’t understand how important our work is!â€
The argument quickly devolved into a three way duel. Albus was blind with grief, blind with rage. He didn’t know what he was doing, he was just blocking everything that came his way, trying to disarm Gellert and his brother.
–Brothers! Please!†He doesn’t know when Ariana got there. She was crying. –Stop fighting, please.â€
The next thing he knew, Ariana was falling... and Gellert was leaving.
It was the end of love. He was going to tell Gellert how he felt after they left Britain. Instead, his love was one more secret, one more punishment he buried deep inside his soul.
Instead of getting a job at the Ministry, like most people expected, he went back to Hogwarts, vowing that he would never let his ambition get the better of him ever again. He was safer teaching.
It was the end of his childhood, the end of his love, and the end of his dreams of castles in the air and conquering the world.
I fell in love just once.
And then it had to be with you.
–Albus,†Gellert coughs. His voice is older now, rougher, scratchier. Yet, it still makes him shiver.
Albus opens his eyes. –Gellert... you’re alive.†He starts casting healing spells.
Even half-dead, even now past sixty years old, Gellert’s smile is devastating. Albus feels his heart contract a little more. –I don’t think you really wanted me dead, old friend.†He winces as he begins to sit up.
–You might not want to move just yet,†Albus responds, and focuses on healing up the worst of Gellert’s wounds. After he is satisfied that Gellert won’t bleed out and that he’s mostly stabilized, he adds, –You’ll spend the rest of your life in prison, the big one that you had built for enemies of your state. You’ll make up for your crimes to society. I think that’s a better punishment then killing you. You can have the time to reflect on what you’ve done.â€
For awhile, there’s silence. Gellert’s breathing is rough and he has at least one broken rib that Albus can locate. –I don’t have anything to heal your broken bones. That will have to wait for a real Healer,†Albus says finally.
Gellert grabs his hand. –You should have left Britain. There was nothing left for you there. We could have ruled together. The two of us would have been unstoppable.†For just a moment, the intensity of Gellert’s gaze forces Albus to relive how he felt that summer. He remembers why he fell in love with Gellert, why part of him still loves Gellert.
Then he returns to reality.
Albus smiles, bitterly. –How could I have left, not knowing which of us was guilty of killing Ariana? How could I live with myself?â€
Gellert examines him, as much as a barely conscious man can examine anything. –You still blame yourself?â€
Albus doesn’t bother answering. He utterly blames himself. If Gellert doesn’t understand, then there is no point trying to explain. –Did you know?†he wonders.
–Know what?†Gellert responds.
Albus starts. He hadn’t intended to speak out loud. He had intended to take this secret to his grave, like so many of the others that are still buried inside him. Still, it doesn’t matter now. Nothing matters now. He shared his secrets with Gellert once. This is the only one left.
He leans down and brushes his lips against Gellert’s. This will be his last chance to do this. It is their first kiss, and it will be their last.
Gellert freezes, but before Albus can escape, Gellert’s hand is tangled in his hair, and he’s kissing back. Gellert’s mouth tastes like blood and dirt from the fighting, but he doesn’t care. Underneath the dirt and the blood, he can almost smell the teenage Gellert that held him when he cried for his mother, for his father, for Ariana. He’s kissing Gellert. That’s all that matters. Gellert’s tongue is inside his mouth and that is where his world begins and ends.
He tastes tears. Are they his or Gellert’s? He doesn’t care.
Finally they break apart. At some point, he must have grabbed Gellert’s robes, because there are two fistfuls of fabric in his hands. He lets go, slowly. His lips ache.
I thought perhaps this time I’d won but Lady Luck said no
And though it breaks my heart, I’m not surprised to see you go
The authorities finally arrive to take Gellert away. For awhile, they sit in awkward silence as the Healers do their work. –I’m sorry, old friend. I wish I had known,†Gellert whispers, as the Healers force them to drink Potions. –I always cared for you.â€
Cared. Not loved. Albus wonders if Gellert uses that verb because he is trying to be careful around their company, trying to avoid ruining Albus’s reputation, or because he’s trying to let him down gently. As gently as someone can, when for all practical purposes it doesn’t matter either way. Gellert will be in prison for the rest of his life. They will not see each other again. Just like Albus never saw his father again. Everyone he loves abandons him. They die or go to prison. He wonders bleakly which Aberforth will choose to do.
He wishes they were still alone, so he could ask Gellert why he wishes he had known. Would things have been different? Would they have become lovers that summer? He almost blushes and curses himself for being a fool.
Finally, the Healers proclaim their work to be done. Gellert slowly gets to his feet. He is charged with a long list of crimes and then he is taken away.
Albus doesn’t want to watch Gellert go, he doesn’t want to remember this Gellert, old, proud, but defeated. Yet, somehow he can’t help himself. He keeps watching until he can no longer see Gellert in the distance.
Everything happens to me.
Everything Happens to Me by AidaLuthien
Story Notes:
Harry Potter doesn't belong to me. Neither does "Everything Happens to Me" (which Dumbledore could have actually had in mind while the fight was going on, as it was originally released in 1940 with Frank Sinatra).
Yes, this is a slash Dumbledore/Grindelwald fic.