There was always something happening at headquarters. Half the time--or maybe more than that--Lily wasn’t even sure what was going on. She’d be running from one end of the house on an errand for McGonagall and catch glimpses of Gideon and Fabian bent over a table with Edgar Bones, or Dumbledore deep in conversation with Moody, or Sirius and Benjy Fenwick bursting through the door with bruises on their temples.
Headquarters was the McKinnon’s home, in Tinworth. With both children living in London, Mr. and Mrs. McKinnon often joked that this was their way of keeping their house full, as well as ensuring that Will and Marlene would come home every so often. But as a result of their hospitality, the house was often crowded to bursting, people and plans stuffed into every available room.
Often, Lily felt like a puzzle piece, a cog in a machine that she couldn’t see. She trusted Dumbledore completely, of course, and he seemed to be keeping an eye on them well enough, but the atmosphere in the house was often a frantic one, people scrambling to keep up with whatever was going on outside.
Lily had the sense that the war they were fighting, as invisible as it was for now, was not going particularly well. Dumbledore, whenever she saw him, looked exhausted. He’d promised to bring them all up-to-date the second it was possible, but so far, such a moment had not presented itself. But Lily, reeling as she was after the deaths of first her parents and now James’s was content, for the time, to do as she was told.
Like James and Sirius, Lily was currently living in London, sharing a flat with Marlene. They had moved in at the beginning of autumn, just weeks before Lily’s parents’ accident, and so it was only just beginning to feel like home. They were in Muggle London, as were James and Sirius, and for all of them but Lily, adjusting to posing as Muggles had been something of an adventure. They were, however, quite close to the Leaky Cauldron, and so the magical world was never out of reach.
James’s parents had fallen ill in October, just as Lily was finally beginning to recover from her own family’s death. His father had succumbed to the dragon pox first, his mother just days later, and James had retreated into their vast and empty house, going mechanically through their things, where neither Lily nor Sirius could reach him.
And so Lily had thrown herself wholeheartedly into her work for the Order, making herself as available as possible to everyone who needed help. She stood now with Moody and Professor McGonagall in one of the back rooms of the McKinnon’s houses, frowning over a small replica of Hogwarts.
Now that the school year was in full swing, McGonagall and Dumbledore were not often seen at headquarters, unwilling as they were to leave Hogwarts unprotected, But it seemed to be for the school’s benefit that McGonagall was here now, as she and Moody circled the model of the castle, prodding it with their wands and muttering occasionally. Lily stood slightly off to one side, her arms full of the pile of books that McGonagall had told her to hold and then seemed to have forgotten about.
–The weakest point is here, near the Forbidden Forest,†McGonagall said, her lips pursed. –But we’re hesitant to do more because Albus doesn’t want to encroach on the centaurs’ territory…â€
Moody nodded. –And we can’t rely on the forest itself to keep anything out…What’s between the forest and the school on this side anyway, just the Quidditch pitch?â€
–And Hagrid’s hut,†McGonagall said, flicking her wand so the castle model rotated to display the side they were discussing.
Moody snorted. –Maybe you should tell Hagrid to get a guard dog.â€
Lily, gazing at the tiny Hogwarts, felt a sudden pang of homesickness. –I thought Hogwarts was the safest place there is,†she heard herself say, and both Moody and McGonagall turned to look at her. –I mean,†she continued, –isn’t Dumbledore the only person You-Know-Who is afraid of?â€
–Yes,†McGonagall allowed with a tilt of her head, –but we don’t know yet how far that fear extends, or how well it will hold out against desperation. Reputation alone is not enough--Hogwarts must be afforded every protection. The lives of hundreds of students are too much to gamble.â€
Lily nodded, understanding. –Well,†she asked after a moment, –what about plants? There are a lot with active defense mechanisms that you could plant on the edge of the forest--they’d blend in, and you wouldn’t have to worry about getting in the way of things in the forest.â€
McGonagall looked at her thoughtfully. –The problem with that,†she said, –is that there’s always the chance students could stumble into them--any dangerous plant that close to the grounds is a risk.â€
–Hold on, though,†Moody growled. –There may be a way to plant them and then keep them subdued until they’re needed--a simple spell is all it’d take…â€
–It would require maintenance,†McGonagall said. –Regularly, to be safe.â€
–But it may be worth it, at that,†Moody said, before looking sideways at Lily. –Sharp, Evans,†he said, and she flushed. He bent over the model again, whispering, and a few tiny plants--Lily recognized them as Devil’s Snares--flew out to gather at the edge of the grounds.
–We’ll have to talk to Pomona,†Moody said to McGonagall, who nodded.
–I ought to head back anyway,†she said. –I have classes to prepare for, and I’ve been gone long enough.†Briskly, she waved her wand, and the Hogwarts replica folded in on itself and disappeared, along with the books Lily had been clutching.
–Good day,†McGonagall said to them, and, quite abruptly, left.
Left alone with Moody, Lily felt suddenly uneasy. His dark eyes, as ever, were unreadable, although he seemed to be sizing her up somehow.
–How’s that boyfriend of yours?†he asked suddenly.
–James?†Lily asked, surprised. –He’s--well, he’s fine.â€
–Hasn’t been around much lately,†Moody said.
–Well, he’s…Lily said evasively, –he’s dealing.â€
Moody said nothing, just eyed her shrewdly, and Lily had a sudden rush of sympathy for Dark Wizards he’d tracked down--the man was like a human lie detector.
–He’ll be back soon,†Lily said, talking just to fill the silence. –He needs some time, he’s just had a huge loss--â€
–And you haven’t?â€
–I--†Lily paused. –What are you saying?â€
–Oh, I’m not saying anything,†Moody said. –You’ve just got your head in the game, that’s all.â€
And without so much as a farewell, he placed his hat on his head and departed.
For a moment, Lily simply stood there, stunned and processing. She was interrupted from her reverie, however, when Sirius stuck his head I the door.
–What are you doing in here?†he asked. –Come outside, we’re practicing dueling.â€
–Is that what happened to your lip?†she asked him—it was split, and he looked rather exhilarated.
–Yeah,†he said. –Gideon’s got a mean right hook.â€
Lily was startled. –Is this Muggle dueling or wizard dueling?†she asked.
–Little bit of both,†Sirius said. –You never know what you’ll need. It’s street fighting, Evans! Now come on.â€
Groaning, she followed him out of the room and through the winding halls of the McKinnon’s house. –Hey, Sirius?†she asked, and he turned his head, listening. –What do you think of Moody?â€
It was Sirius’s turn to groan. –I told you, Evans, he scares the pants off of me. Do you just like hearing me say it?â€
–Yes,†she said dryly, –picturing you pantsless just makes my day.†Sirius grinned as she continued, –But Moody was just interrogating me about where James has been, and he seemed to be, well, not too happy with him. But he was so cryptic about it it was hard to tell!â€
Sirius shook his head, sighing. –It wouldn’t surprise me if he was irritated with James, you know,†he said.
–But why?†asked Lily, surprised. –You’d think with all that’s happened he’d understand--â€
But Sirius was shaking his head. –The way I see it,†he said, –Moody’s like, the opposite of Dumbledore. He doesn’t have the time or the patience for grief. For him, it’s all about keeping your mouth shut and carrying on. I mean, look at the man. He doesn’t have a family, he spends his life hunting down Dark Wizards--and he has to think the way they think, in order to be so good at it. There’s no room to be soft. This is a war, even if it doesn’t feel like one yet. He’s a warrior. And he expects the rest of us to be the same.â€
–I guess we’re really not in school anymore,†Lily said sadly.
–It comes in waves, doesn’t it?†said Sirius.
–Hard to imagine that it’s November and we’re not there,†said Lily.
Sirius nodded, then frowned. –You know, I almost agree with Moody,†he said.
–About James?†Lily asked, a little defensively.
–Yeah,†Sirius said. –Not that I don’t think he has a right to be devastated--because Merlin knows I understand, the Potters were practically a second family to me--but he’s…he’s shutting us all out. And we’re maybe the only thing that will help. I mean, we’ve all lost family, it’s not like we wouldn’t understand--â€
–Yes, but Sirius, it’s different for us,†Lily said. –I mean, I lost my parents, but I still have my sister, he’s completely without family now--â€
–Oh, come on,†Sirius scoffed. –You aren’t close to your sister, and it’s not like I talk to anyone in my family--we’re just as alone as he is. Which is why,†his voice softened, –he needs to let us in.â€
Lily, after a moment’s hesitation, nodded. –Do you want to try tonight?†she asked.
They had reached the back door, and Sirius put out his hand to push it open. –Yeah,†he said. –I do.â€
They had barely stepped out into the backyard when a jet of red light whizzed past Lily’s left ear. Belatedly, she shied sideways, bumping into Sirius, who was frowning into the lawn.
–Oi!†he barked. –Civilians here!â€
–Sorry!†called Will McKinnon without tearing his eyes away from his opponent. The two were circling each other, surrounded by a ring of the younger Order members. As they moved around, Lily was surprised to see that it was Remus who faced Will, his wand steady and his brow furrowed.
Sirius and Lily edged their way into the circle, eyes on the fight. Silently, Remus shot a spell at Will, who dove out of the way, narrowly avoiding being hit. Lily was impressed with Remus’s ability to cast a nonverbal spell so effectively under pressure, although she noticed he was biting his lip, a sheen of sweat on his forehead, while Will, when he rolled back onto his feet, was smiling easily.
–So,†Lily murmured to Marlene, who had just pushed through the circle to stand beside her, –who’s winning?â€
–It’s pretty evenly matched,†Marlene whispered back. –Remus is the smarter fighter, but he hesitates sometimes. Will’s a little more reckless, but he never misses an opening, and a lot of the time--â€
Lily sucked in her breath as a jolt of light hit Remus in the stomach; he doubled over with a gasp and Will darted forward, knocked Remus’s wand from his hand, and pressed his own wand to Remus’s throat.
–--it pays off,†Marlene finished wryly. In the middle of the circle, the two stood still for a second, breathing heavily. After a moment, they grinned at each other; Will dropped his wand and clapped Remus on the shoulder, and they both melted into the circle.
Sirius had disappeared--to meet Remus, Lily assumed--but Will found her and Marlene, coming over to lean against his sister’s shoulder.
–Well done,†Marlene told him.
–Thanks,†Will said, flicking his hair out of his eyes before looking at Lily, who was silent. –What,†Will grinned at her, –aren’t you going to congratulate me?â€
–Well, I would,†Lily said sweetly, –but I was rooting for Remus, you see.â€
Will blinked at her in surprise, and then burst into laughter. –You’re right,†he said to Marlene. –She’s got spark.â€
–I told you not to mess with her,†Marlene said smugly, and Will shook his head.
–Right again,†he said, then winked at them both and backed into the circle, his hands in the air, calling, –Who’s next!â€
A few seconds into this, Gideon Prewett leapt in beside him. As the two of them squared off, Marlene looked over at Lily, who was eyeing Will impassively.
–You don’t like him even a little bit, do you?†Marlene asked, grinning.
Lily looked guiltily at her. –I--well, he’s--â€
Marlene laughed. –I know you, Lily,†she said. –You’ve never been very good at pretending to like people.â€
Lily shook her head. –He just talks about me like I’m not standing right here,†she said petulantly, and Marlene laughed again.
–I know,†she said. –He used to do that to me when we were kids, and I hated it too. Don’t worry, though,†she said, nodding towards the center of the ring, –Gideon will kick his ass.â€
It was Lily’s turn to grin as Marlene checked her watch.
–I have to get to work,†Marlene sighed. She was working part-time at the Leaky Cauldron--many of the Order members were involved somehow in the Ministry, but Dumbledore had wanted someone to keep an ear to the ground for street gossip as well, and so Marlene often spent her evenings tending bar and cracking jokes with the magical underbelly of London.
–I’ll see you back at home,†Lily smiled at her.
Marlene nodded, and then hesitated. –So,†she said, –I’ve been meaning to ask…how’s James doing? Haven’t really seen him around much…â€
Lily closed her eyes tightly before saying softly, –I know. He’s been…well, it’s been…difficult.â€
Marlene nodded, understanding. –It just takes time,†she said. –Although I know you know that.†She checked her watch again. –I need to run,†she said, –but I’ll see you tonight?â€
Lily nodded. –Thanks!†she called after her, and Marlene smiled as she Disapparated.
Her jaw set, Lily turned into the knot of people behind her, looking for Sirius and more determined than ever to make James talk.
---
At that moment, James was, in fact, sitting at his father’s desk, a pile of documents spread out before him. He hadn’t left his parents’ house in days, and the extensive security spells they had placed on their manor kept him from being interrupted.
He was looking, again, at his parents will. Their deaths--unlike Lily’s parents’ deaths--had not been entirely unexpected, as even the best healers at St. Mungo’s couldn’t do much for dragon pox at their age. The had left everything to James, the will meticulously and purposefully laid out, and it was only now that he was beginning to understand what it all meant.
Blearily, he rose, pushing out of his father’s elegantly carved chair. He flicked his wand, and instantly all the papers on the desk began to stack themselves neatly, the will furling itself into a tight roll. The papers shuffling behind him, James paced across the floor to the fireplace. Another flick of his wand and a fire blazed up, the sudden source of light and warmth surprising him. For a moment he just stood there, gripping his wand, and then he whispered something into the fire, stepped back, and waited.
It didn’t take long. Barely a minute had passed before a dark shape appeared, spinning rapidly in the fire. James stood still, looking steadily into the flames, his hands clasped behind his back as Remus climbed out onto the hearth.
–James,†he gasped, blinking at him. –What--we’ve been trying to get through to you for days--â€
–I know,†James interrupted. –I know. I just needed space to do what I…†he trailed off and turned, bracing his hands on the desk, his back to Remus. –I’ve been going through some things,†he said after a moment, his voice calm. –Things my parents left behind. I just…wanted to be sure before I talked to you.â€
Remus’s forehead creased. –About what?†he asked. –James, what are you saying?â€
–I’m saying,†James said, at last turning to face him, –That my parents left money. A lot of it. More than I’d be able to use in a lifetime. And I want to use some of it to, well, help you.â€
Remus shook his head abruptly, almost violently. –I can’t ask you to do that,†he said, even as he was dreaming about it. The past few months had been difficult on Remus--he’d tried to keep the fact that he was a werewolf quiet, but it was difficult to explain to prospective employers why he needed full moons off, and sometimes they just seemed to know. So, unable to find a job, he was living with his parents again for the first time since he was eleven, and it was far from pleasant. His parents couldn’t look past the wolf, and they blamed themselves for his condition, and as a result, they could barely look at him. And after seven glorious years at Hogwarts, this was particularly hard to swallow.
–Moony,†James said, looking confused, –you’re not asking me to do this, I’m offering. It’s the least I can do.â€
Remus shook his head. –But why,†he whispered. –Why would you waste that kind of gold on me?â€
–Because I have it,†James said flatly. –And it’s just going to sit there unless I use it on something I care about. I know you’re unhappy. So, please, just let me help.â€
Remus hesitated for one long minute, and then his eyes narrowed. –Fine,†he said.
James looked at him, something sparking in his dull eyes for the first time in weeks. –Really?â€
–Yeah,†Remus said. –Yeah, okay. But on one condition.â€
–Anything,†said James.
Remus looked at him levelly. –The next time Lily and Sirius show up here,†he said, –you’ll let them in.â€
James bit his lip.
–This friends-helping-friends thing,†Remus said, softer still, –it goes both ways.â€
James nodded, once.
–Okay,†Remus said, taking the steps forward it took to clap James on the shoulder. –Okay.†And then, with a last look, he clambered back into the fireplace and was gone.
It was much later that James left his father’s study. The room had grown dark around him, his wand lying uselessly beside him like so much wood. Eventually he stood and, as he had been doing every night lately, walked slowly, almost aimlessly, up the stairs to his childhood bedroom.
Fully clothed, he curled in a ball on his bed, motionless, eyes open in the darkness. Some time later, he heard a noise in the garden, loud enough to carry even though his window was closed. And then he heard his name.
–James!†Lily’s voice had an edge to it, and he didn’t blame her--she and Sirius had been trying to get through to him so frequently that he’d lost count of the times he’d heard their voices in the yard. He didn’t move.
–I’m going to kill him,†Sirius said clearly, as though he were only a few feet away. Lily hushed him, but Sirius only raised his voice. –Oh, I don’t care if he hears me. I’m going to kill you, Prongs!â€
James wondered, vaguely, how long it would take them to figure out that he hadn’t put the security charms around the house today. It was Sirius’s hotheadedness, eventually, that let them in; James heard a loud crash and then a stream of cursing, and he could only assume that Sirius had attempted to kick the door and then fallen through when it opened easily.
He heard low murmurs in the hallway, and then footsteps on the stairs and he closed his eyes, not sure what was going to happen; he didn’t want to talk, and he had been afraid for days that they would try to make him. He was surprised, however, when they entered the room behind him--Sirius, who had been all temper and energy in the garden was silent and still now, and neither he nor Lily spoke.
James breathed, preparing himself to speak, to offer explanations, to apologize. But then, so lightly he thought he imagined it, he felt fingertips fall on his shoulder.
He hadn’t even heard her move, but she was curled behind him on the center of his bed, only just touching him, and he exhaled beneath her hand. And then Sirius walked around to the other side and eased himself into a sitting position beside James’s head.
For a long time, the three of them were simply still. They stayed there as the night deepened, James’s breathing growing easier, Lily’s hand not leaving his back, Sirius leaning back against the headboard. Until eventually, finally, James opened his eyes.
Sirius, noticing, sighed deeply and said, –You still have family, you know.â€
Slowly, James unfurled himself so he was stretched out between them, really looking at them for the first time in weeks. Lily’s eyes were bright and steady, and James was looking at her when he said, –I know.â€
Then he propped himself up on his elbow, looked sternly at Sirius, and said, –Now get your shoes off of my comforter.â€
Sirius grinned languidly. –You’ll be okay,†he said.
–We all will,†James said, and just then, it didn’t feel like a lie.