Happened every time, so it must be true,
Where did you learn it's either him or you?
-Guster, "Either Way"
iii. Peter
He hadn't meant to eavesdrop.
It had been an accident, more than anything else. The flat was crowded, and he'd slipped into the kitchen to find the Butterbeer that Marlene had wanted, and when he'd reappeared in the doorway a moment later, they had been talking about him. He'd drawn back quickly, not wanting to be seen, and listened to the words.
"Peter is just so different from the three of you."
That had been Cynthia's comment.
"Different? Different how?"
That had been Remus' reply.
"The four of you are… oh, Merlin, this is going to sound awful. But you're just so… so much bigger than you should be. I mean, Sirius and James are gregarious, they fill up every room they are in and always take the spotlight whether they mean to or not. And you - you're quieter, but you're still… I see why you are a Marauder. You're smart, yes, but you're also recklessly stupid and brave and… I guess Peter always seemed… oh, I don't know. It is easy to overlook him, I guess."
That had been Cynthia's explanation.
Peter hadn't wanted to hear the rest. There wasn't a point, really, because Cynthia hadn't said anything that he himself hadn't thought a thousand times before. He was different from the other three - the other four, if you counted Lily.
But the fact that he hadn't wanted to hear any more made no difference, because he hadn't been able to convince his feet to move away from the doorway. So now he was stuck here, holding the Butterbeer and listening to the words that he so desperately wanted to ignore.
"Peter is different," Remus agreed, "but he's still our friend."
"I know," Cynthia's voice answered, her words rushed as though to make it clear that she didn't mean to imply that Peter was anything other than a Marauder. "And he's a good friend, anyone can see that. I've just always wondered how you ended up friends with him. Was it… was it just proximity? All four of you shared a dormitory so you became friends?"
Cynthia, Peter had to remind himself, had always been a bit superficial. Not in the vapid sense - she was book smart and quite good at Charms and Potions. And she'd always been a good friend to Lily and Marlene, and even James, but she put so much emphasis on looks and popularity and... she didn't always see past the first layer of a person or a situation. She took what she saw or heard at face value and just didn't...
Peter let out a breath. It didn't matter. Cynthia had always been nice to him, and he shouldn't be entertaining such uncharitable thoughts about her.
Even if she was someone who didn't often think through the implications of her words, who was too blunt and too brash, who didn't realize that some of the things she said might be construed as unwelcome and hurtful.
And, anyway, he couldn't fault her for caring about popularity; he and his own friends had cared about that themselves.
Still he waited in silence for Remus' answer.
Remus didn't reply right away, but then he said finally, "Maybe. I don't know. I guess I never really thought about it. Peter is my friend and the how… well, the how doesn't really seem to matter anymore."
"Hm…" Cynthia murmured.
Peter tried to muster up some warmth and gratitude at Remus' words, but he found that they left him feeling hollow instead. Remus was one of his three best friends - Remus was practically family - and yet he couldn't explain why they were friends?
Somehow we just are friends didn't seem good enough.
"Do you know how you ended up being friends with Lily and Marlene and Mary?" Remus asked.
"Marlene and I bonded over boys and gossip, and Lily and I bonded over her passion and enthusiasm for… well, everything. Lily draws people to her, you know. Her personality is the kind that you just - you just want to be friends with her."
"Yeah, I know."
"But Mary… I'm not friends with her. I like her well enough, but we don't spend time together unless Lily is there. We don't have anything in common, not even academic interests. Just because Mary and I were in the same dormitory didn't make us friends. After all, if that was enough, I would have been friends with Isabeli. We all would be friends with Isabeli, but she spent all of her time with Ravenclaws." There was a pause, then Cynthia added, "But I know what I like about Lily and Marlene. Do you know what you like about Peter?"
Remus didn't answer, and Peter continued standing there, clutching the Butterbeer and wishing someone would explain why the other three Marauders were friends with him.
The party had been in honor of James and Lily's unborn child. Sirius had insisted on throwing it, and his flat was crowded, and everyone was slightly drunk. The air was filled with laughter and jokes and the occasional out-of-tune singing as the guests scrambled to outdo each other. As though if they could just manage to be loud enough, everything else would fade away.
Everyone wanted something to celebrate.
After the Butterbeer had been safely deposited in Marlene's hands, Peter withdrew to the corner of the room and let his gaze wander over everyone gathered there. Lily was talking to Alice Longbottom, who as it turned out was also pregnant. Frank had joined Cynthia and Remus, and Emmaline Vance - who Peter had never seen outside of Order meetings - was talking to Mary McDonald and her boyfriend. Caradoc Dearborn was there, engaged in some deep and intellectual-sounding conversation with Gideon Prewitt, while Fabian and Benjy Fenwick both tried - remarkably unsuccessfully - to flirt with Marlene McKinnon.
And James and Sirius were, as usual, in the middle of the room, laughing and joking and waving their arms about in enthusiastic gestures.
It was strange, to be surrounded by friends and allies, and yet feel so awkwardly out of place.
Peter hadn't felt that before. At Hogwarts, he had occasionally wondered how he had been lucky enough to end up as a Marauder - especially when every girl he was interested in seemed to only have eyes for Sirius, or when McGonagall praised James' work and chided his own attempts in the same breath, or when he struggled for hours on an essay that Remus had finished in less than thirty minutes. But although he had wondered about it, he had never actually felt left out.
Things were changing now.
James was sent out on missions that occasionally ended in the arrest of known Death Eaters. Sirius was always out on reconnaissance, and those missions seemed to end in duels quite often. Remus was given top secret responsibilities regarding making contact with other werewolves.
And Peter was sent to the Ministry to listen to politicians talk.
He didn't want the excitement - not really. He had never wanted the excitement. He'd enjoyed the aftermath - the parties in the common room after successfully sneaking into Hogsmeade for alcohol, the congratulations from other students after a particularly brilliant prank, or even the feeling of warmth he got every time Remus emerged from yet another full moon without a scratch on his body. And he'd enjoyed the sense of belonging, the feeling that he was a part of this.
But in the actual moment, slipping through shadows under James' invisibility cloak, or when moonlight illuminated Remus's fangs just after he'd transformed… Peter hadn't feel the same exhilaration that James and Sirius so clearly did.
He'd mostly felt fear.
And the stakes were higher now. Or perhaps it was just that he was finally realizing how high the stakes actually were, because although they had never admitted to it while in school, those monthly runs under the full moon hadn't exactly been safe.
So it wasn't the excitement he missed.
Now, when James came back from a successful mission, Sirius would laugh and clap him on the back and make some comment about how they would send all the Death Eaters to Azkaban. And whenever Sirius stumbled into James and Lily's flat, his hair matted with sweat and his face flushed with adrenaline, and declared that he'd tracked down yet another potential Death Eater, James would laugh and propose a toast to the Order. And when Remus returned from a mission, James, Sirius, and Lily would all converge upon him - James and Sirius trying to ply him with alcohol and Lily insisting that he eat something because he looked too thin, and the four of them seemed like a family.
When Peter repeated what he'd heard at the Ministry, the only one who ever seemed to care was Dumbledore.
He didn't belong. He wasn't a part of this.
And now Remus couldn't even explain why they were friends.
"Hey, Peter."
Peter glanced up in surprise as Alice leaned against the wall next to him with an easy smile. He hadn't heard her approach, and when he scanned the room again, Lily was nowhere to be seen.
Neither was James.
Alice followed his gaze, correctly guessed his thoughts, and said with a wan smile, "Maybe they've gone off to practice for the second baby."
Peter managed a slight smile at that, but somehow doubted that it was the case. James and Lily just seemed a little… off… somehow. No one else had noticed it, as far as Peter could tell. But he saw it. He caught it in glimpses - in the way Lily's lips pressed together in a frown, in the way James turned from her to talk to Sirius instead - so quick and so fleeting that he sometimes wondered if he'd imagined it.
Alice rested her hands lightly on her stomach, and Peter asked, "When are you due?"
"Around the same time as Lily," Alice said. "The end of July." She frowned for a moment, then added, "I'm glad Sirius decided to have this party. Frank has been so busy with his responsibilities as an Auror and for the Order that we just haven't had time to plan anything, but… it's good to celebrate. It's good to remember that there are good things in the world."
"Hmm," Peter said noncommittally.
They'd celebrated New Year's just a few weeks before, and the party would have gone long into the night if Death Eaters hadn't chosen that particular day to launch a brutal attack in Muggle London. The party had quickly dispersed and the day had ended in dueling and several visits to St. Mungo's, though thankfully no deaths.
Peter glanced around and thought that it really wouldn't surprise him if this party ended in disaster as well.
He didn't know what else to say to Alice. She was a few years older than him, so they'd never spoken before he joined the Order. She always seemed so much more adult than any of his friends. She wasn't severe and demanding like McGonagall; nor was she doting and motherly like Molly Weasley. But the way she carried herself with authority and confidence - far more subtle than James and Sirius' exuberance and yet somehow even more compelling - made her intimidating to him.
Frank was even worse.
But then, perhaps it was just that they were both Aurors, and Peter had seen them duel, and he knew that they were far more powerful than they seemed.
Sirius abruptly launched into a drunken rendition of the Hogwarts School Song, and Alice rolled her eyes but gave a fond smile.
"He does like the spotlight, doesn't he?" she murmured.
"Yes," Peter said, and was surprised to find that he couldn't keep the bitterness out of his voice.
Alice didn't appear to notice.
"Well, if it makes him happy… He needs things to cheer him up." She shook her head, a look of pity passing through her features. "I can't imagine being sent of reconnaissance missions," she continued. "Having to sit there, waiting for backup…" She trailed off with a sigh.
Peter nodded, and said nothing.
They were both silent for a moment, then Alice glanced around the room and commented, "Cynthia, Mary, and Mary's boyfriend are the only ones not in the Order. And they're all Lily's friends. Doesn't James have any friends not in the Order?"
Peter blinked, then shook his head. "No, I guess not. But how would he? All he does now is work for the Order; where is he going to make friends if not at our meetings?" He paused, then added, "Anyway, I don't think it would occur to James to make friends with someone not in the Order. If they're not fighting for our side…"
James saw the world in black and white, and people could be easily divided into two categories: those who fought the Dark Arts and those who didn't.
And James did not like people who fell into the latter group.
"You know a lot about your friends," Alice commented. "You understand them well. You understand people well." She gave him a scrutinizing look, then added, "I see why Dumbledore wants you at the Ministry. You really are quite perceptive."
Peter smiled - a true, honest smile. For the first time, someone other than Dumbledore had seen the importance in his missions.
In the center of the room, Sirius tripped over a chair and went tumbling to the ground, and everyone, including Alice, burst into laughter and converged on him to make sure he was right.
Peter stood at the outside of the group and watched.
Sirius pulled himself to his feet, laughing along with everyone else. His words were slurred together, and his face was flushed, and his eyes were bright and filled with enthusiasm. It was an expression that reminded Peter so much of the Sirius he had known at Hogwarts, the one who still believed that everything was a joke and the entire point of life was to have fun. That Sirius had been full of laughter and pranks… but the war had changed him.
The war had changed everyone.
"Pettigrew, right? Peter Pettigrew?"
Peter jerked his head up and stared in surprise at the blonde man now standing next to him. He'd been so lost in his own bitter thoughts that he hadn't even heard the other man approach.
"Yeah. You're… um… Cafferty? John Cafferty?"
John nodded and stuck out his hand. "It's nice to meet you."
Peter shook the offered hand and couldn't help but wonder - somewhat bitterly - why John was talking to him instead of standing around Sirius and laughing like everyone else.
"It's a bit overwhelming," John said. "I… uh… I'm still not really used to this. To magic."
Peter blinked. He'd forgotten that Mary was dating a Muggle.
"Is this your first time meeting Mary's friends?" Peter asked curiously.
"I met Lily once before," John answered, 'but other than that…" He trailed off and glanced around the room. He had a bemused smile plastered to his face, but Peter caught a glimpse of the unease that flickered through his eyes, and couldn't help but wonder why Mary had brought her boyfriend to the party. Muggle's had to be slowly introduced to magic or they'd end up reacting badly to it; history had enough evidence of that in its witch burnings. Quite apart from the fact that it violated the Statue of Secrecy, bringing John to a party like this just seemed so…
"It is really serious between the two of you," Peter said with dawning realization. "You and Mary… that's why you came tonight. To meet all of us because you and she are…"
"I bought a ring," John confided, lowering his voice and glancing around quickly to make sure they would not be overheard. "But don't tell anyone, alright? I haven't asked her yet. I haven't really planned out how I want to do it, but… well, I'm pretty sure that she knows that I am going to ask her soon."
And he was wearing that same goofy smile that had graced James' features for the few weeks after Lily had finally agreed to date him, and then again right after the two had gotten engaged, as well as the night when James had told them all that Lily was pregnant.
Peter smiled. "Congratulations," he said, at meant it. But a part of him couldn't help but wonder if he would ever find someone who felt that way about him.
John answered with a half-shrug and looked around the room again. "Your friends are very… loud."
Peter almost laughed at that. "Yes," he agreed flatly.
"I prefer the sidelines, too," John said, clapping Peter on the shoulder in what was clearly meant to be a gesture of solidarity. "It is much more enjoyable to watch everyone else making a fool of themselves than to actually join in."
"Mm…" Peter said, biting the inside of his cheek. A wave of resentment rushed through him at the assumption that he never wanted the attention, but he forced it away. He didn't want the excitement… not really.
John didn't notice that anything was amiss, and continued, "I'm actually surprised that Mary is such good friends with all of you." He seemed to realize that the comment could be interpreted as an insult, and hurried on to say, "Not, of course, that there is anything wrong with being loud, but Mary is… well, quiet. I just can't imagine her ever standing in the center of a crowd, singing."
As if on cue, Sirius burst into song again - a drunken rendition of A Hard Day's Night.
"The Beatles," John commented, turning away from Peter and glancing towards Sirius with his eyebrows raised.
"Yeah, Sirius is a fan," Peter replied. "He used to sing them all the time in the dormitory at Hogwarts. I never really liked them, but…" He stopped abruptly, and didn't finish the thought - that Sirius rarely cared about other people's opinions.
He sighed. He had to stop doing this, had to stop finding the negative in everything anyone said or did. Sirius was his friend, and even if there had been aggravating or hurtful moments in the past - well, didn't every friendship have that? James, and Remus, too… they'd always stood by each other, stood up for each other, no matter what.
But the war had seeped into his mind, poisoning his thoughts.
And Cynthia's words - do you know what you like about Peter? - and Remus' silence…
John looked around. "Where are Potter and Lily?" he asked. "I haven't seen them for a while."
Peter scanned the room and noted that, sure enough, the two guests of honor were still not present.
"I'll go find them," he offered, in part eager for a chance to escape the conversation and in part wondering whether or not anyone would notice if he disappeared, too.
He hadn't meant to eavesdrop.
But the sound of Lily's raised voice, tinted with anger and exasperation, caught his attention, and he froze in the hallway. Lily and James were standing in Sirius' room, and the door was partially open, allowing Peter to clearly hear their argument.
"…but it isn't the point, James."
"You're exaggerating, Lily," came James' response, his tone soothing and calm.
If anything, that seemed to annoy Lily more. "Don't patronize me!" she snapped.
Peter edged closer to the room, careful to stay pressed against the wall so that he would not be seen. It felt wrong to be spying on his own friends like this, but he was too curious to back away now. James and Lily might have had their fair share of fights and squabbles, but this was different.
Peter had recognized the tone Lily had just used, and it was one he had not heard since his first five years at Hogwarts.
Back when Lily had actually vehemently disliked James.
"Lily, please… let's not fight about this tonight."
"Then when, James? You're never around to actually talk. You're always rushing off to the next mission, the next plan to capture Death Eaters and… Merlin, I don't even… you don't… you don't get it," Lily stumbled over the last words, and Peter could hear the helpless frustration in her voice.
"Get what?" James asked, but there was no reply from Lily. "Lily, come on… don't be like this."
"Fine," came Lily's clipped reply. "Go back to the party, James. Go have fun."
The sound of angry footsteps reverberating on the wood forced Peter to jump away from the wall. He had only a moment to compose himself before Lily came storming out of the room, James trailing behind her with a bewildered expression on his face. They both froze at the sight of him, but Peter just smiled as though he hadn't heard the argument at all.
"Was just looking for you two," he said, cheerfully. "You're the guests of honor, after all, you can't just disappear."
"I'm sure Padfoot managed to entertain the group fairly well," James said. He paused, glancing past Peter towards the main room in the flat and frowned. "Is he still singing?"
"Yeah, he hasn't really stopped. Not even when he fell headfirst off the chair he was using as a stage."
James smiled in amusement, but Lily rolled her eyes with a huff and stalked past the two boys. James' expression changed to one of annoyance before he sighed and ran a hand through his messy hair.
"Is everything alright, Prongs?" Peter asked.
He already knew the answer to the question, but somehow he wanted to hear James admit it. He wanted to hear weakness from his friend, wanted to hear that James' life wasn't as perfect as it appeared to everyone standing on the outside. He wanted James to say that things were challenging, that they were facing difficult times, that he was struggling…
He wanted to know that he wasn't the only one this war was slowly destroying.
But James just smiled, clapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Of course, Wormy. I'm going to be a father. Everything is perfect." Then he stepped around Peter and followed his wife down the hallway.
Peter watched him go for a moment, unable to keep the bitterness at bay. Then he rubbed at his eyes and hurried after James.
He entered the living room in time to see Sirius grin at James and Lily and shout out, "Another toast! To Prongs and Morgana and their little James Jr. or Jamesella!"
James laughed and draped his arm over Lily's shoulders as the room burst into drunken cheers and congratulations. Lily tilted her head to look up at James, and she smiled, and he smiled in response.
Peter stared at them and wondered if he was the only one who could see the strain in Lily's expression and the uneasiness in James' eyes.