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–You done already, Lily?†asked Mary unbelievingly, looking up from her essay and the multiple books splayed out for her and open for reference. They had only just received the essay from Slughorn earlier that day and as smart as Lily was, Mary couldn’t believe she would be finished writing it already.
–You’ve started that already?†asked Sirius, startled. He and Peter were playing chess, unable to bring themselves to start so soon and so early in the school year, and were eagerly finding anything else to occupy themselves.
Lily neatly stacked her books on top of her flattened parchment and caught Sirius giving an incredulous look at James who had missed the conversation. Instead, James shrugged and returned to his planning for the Gryffindor Quidditch team. Lily inwardly shook her head, not understanding the extent to which many people obsessed over Quidditch. She admitted it was a brilliant game, but not something to lose sleep over. When she mentioned this, however, she was met with a wall of opposition bordering on anger.
–What do you mean?â€
–Bloody brilliant, Quidditch is!â€
–Now, Lily, have you not learned in the past six years everything there is to love about Quidditch?†James asked patiently, having heard her entire remark and hoping to stay calm himself.
–And haven’t you all been listening and heard me say already that I thought it was brilliant?†Lily shot back, adding her ink and quill to the lot before standing up. She took a quick look around the common room and, her suspicion verified, she asked, –Anybody know where Remus is?â€
–Library, I reckon,†answered Peter without looking up, making a move that stopped Sirius’ reply.
–Knowing we’d be doing homework too?†questioned Mary. She looked at James and asked, –Are you sure he’s not up in your room hiding or something?â€
–Who?†he asked, having returned to his planning.
–Remus.â€
–Why? What do you need him for?â€
–Because I want to get him into a broom closet,†Lily interrupted impatiently. –Why do you think I’d need him?†She then pointed to her head girl badge, tapped her wrist where a watch would have been, and then used her two fingers to indicate walking.
James sat there staring up at Lily, his lips parted slightly in realizing Lily and Remus were to patrol that night. He glanced outside quickly and then returned his gaze to Lily, but she didn’t need that to know what was going on.
–Can we go up and look for him, James?†she asked quietly, knowing he would understand the reference to the map. He nodded and they both went up the stairs that led to the boys’ dormitories.
Once out of earshot from the common room, James began to say, –Lily, I think -â€
–No, James, I think it should be me,†Lily cut across him as she headed to the seventh year boys’ room, not noticing that James had stopped and was staring at her. It wasn’t until her hand was already on the doorknob that she saw him several paces away still. –Oh, for goodness sake, he’s my friend too so there’s no use arguing with me, James Potter.â€
James watched her enter his room and stood there for a moment longer until she poked her head back out to wait for him to join her. He then made his way over and leaned against the door frame with his hands in his pockets before saying, –So what if I don’t hand over the map after all?â€
–Then I’ll search through your belongings until I find it,†Lily answered readily, standing her ground and crossing her arms.
–And what if I don’t have it?â€
–Then I’ll do a search through the others’ things.â€
–And if you still can’t find it?†he challenged, very curious of her answer. It was always fun having a battle of words and wits with Lily and this time was no different.
Lily narrowed her eyes as if sizing him up, then stated plainly, –Then I’ll stand here and scream bloody murder until McGonagall comes and then stand back and watch the show.â€
–Fair enough,†replied James, chuckling to himself at the thought as he strode over to his trunk and crouched down to reach for the map. Without waiting, he pulled out his wand to reveal the map and began looking for Remus’ dot just as Lily kneeled beside him to help.
It wasn’t long before they located his lone dot up in the Astronomy Tower. They spun their heads to face each other, both wanting to go and neither wanting the other to win. Finally, James wondered why they couldn’t both go to which Lily said, –Because I need you to cover our patrol for us while I go to him. Somebody has to do it anyway and since I’m the one supposed to be with Remus, you, as head boy, are an adequate replacement. And I’d rather it be you than Sirius, Mary, or Peter.â€
Unable to argue with her logic, James agreed only after she agreed to take his invisibility cloak just in case they ended up taking longer than she thought. Even the head girl and a prefect shouldn’t be out too late after hours. So Lily accepted the cloak and, after a final glance at the map, headed out to see Remus.
* * *
The Astronomy Tower was empty apart from a lone student in his final year. It was a rather chilly night, the way it usually was when September had met the start of autumn, but it made little difference to Remus who would remain seated where he was for as long as he wished.
Remus felt in a strange mood. He was both happy and sad to be back at school, wishing to be both with his friends and with nobody at all, content and yet still resentful. Perhaps that was the reason that had driven him up to the tower.
As he stared out at the night sky, Remus thought of the irony of the location and snorted at the fact. The Astronomy Tower, of all places. He could have gone anywhere and done anything else - the kitchens to devour food, the dungeons to pick a fight, the forest to earn a detention - and he chose to look at the moon and stars.
He had done a lot of that over the summer, still able to locate planets and constellations. Astronomy was one of his stronger classes, much to his friends’ amusement, and it gave him an odd sense of control and power in knowing and understanding the movement in the night sky. But despite this and his acceptance of everything, there was still a degree of bitterness that he couldn’t seem to get rid of.
Remus loved his parents, but he couldn’t suppress the fact that his father had offended Death Eaters. He hated the fact that they used a werewolf to punish people, one he would have felt sorry for if he didn’t already know that Fenrir Greyback willingly enjoyed and accepted the work, and Remus hated that too. And he hated how children were targeted which meant that it was really him that suffered and not his father for those actions from so long ago now.
It was more than just those unfortunate circumstances, though, that allowed the bitterness to remain. Transformations were painful and the days leading up to it and just after weren’t much better. That they happened once a month made it even worse to swallow. Most were afraid of werewolves no matter what time during the lunar cycle it was, and it was often regarded as punishment for your own deeds, so Remus was forced to hide his condition from the world for fear of mistreatment and segregation. And the few people that saw him no different than themselves were the only ones that offered any sense of relief and for that, he felt bitter and indebted to them. Sometimes he couldn’t believe he even had friends, ones who liked him so much even after knowing who he was . . . what he was.
Another look at the near-full moon kept all of these negative thoughts at the front of Remus’ mind. He usually tried not to linger on them, but new realizations caused him to do what he knew he shouldn’t. This summer his transformations had been just as painful as ever, and even more so because they were on break from school and his friends weren’t there to ease the night. Coming back to his final year brought home to him the fact that it would soon become normal to spend the night alone.
Remus knew his friends would still come to help out, but life would inevitably go on and lives would soon become too busy for that. He didn’t begrudge his friends any of that. In fact, he hoped they would all get married, settle down and have a family, but he also knew he would never have that. Who would want to marry a werewolf? Everyone was too frightened of them that he wouldn’t stand a chance. And he didn’t’ know if he would pass on the condition or if it only ever affected the one bitten. It was all too much for him to think of and now knew that it was this that had driven him to seclusion and stare at the cause of his greatest fear.
* * *
Lily had decided to use James’ cloak. She didn’t want to get held up and also wanted to assess Remus without him knowing before seeing him. Not to mention she relished the idea that she was invisible to everyone while under it.
As she quietly made her way to the Astronomy Tower, Lily thought of Remus. She was well aware that the full moon was only a few nights away and it wasn’t his recent decline in health that alerted her. Just like the boys, Lily kept track of the moon and was ready to offer her support if needed. She was fairly sure he appreciated the gesture, especially since being privy to his condition made the small group of five a tight-knit group.
This, then, made Lily confused. Why would he seek to be alone during his most difficult time of the month knowing his friends understood and sympathised with him? And if he was, for some reason, upset, then why go to the Astronomy Tower of all places? It was too strange for Lily.
When she arrived at the Astronomy Tower, she immediately located Remus. It wasn’t hard finding the dark shape against the bright night sky, and for a moment she just stood there watching as he stared out at nothing. But he soon sensed someone was there and she was forced to reveal herself.
–What are you doing here?†he asked, quickly getting over his surprise at seeing Lily.
–I could ask you the same question,†she replied as she walked over to him and joined him on the ground. –We were worried about you. It isn’t often you don’t show up to patrol so I gave it to James to come find you.â€
Lily knew Remus sometimes felt insecure about himself, as if he couldn’t believe people would like him enough to do something like this for him, and she could tell by the look on his face that he was feeling like that right now. She didn’t know what to say, though. Trying to explain why had never worked before, and this mood only came on occasionally. So she just sat there next to him in silence and let her presence do all the talking. He couldn’t oppose her for that, right?
A few minutes later, Lily heard Remus take a breath before starting to say, –Lily, you didn’t -â€
–It’s OK, Remus, I really don’t mind. And I don’t think you realize how much we all like you and really want to help you,†she cut across him. Staring into his eyes, she could see an argument forming. Before he could begin, she said, –The thing I can’t understand is why? Why avoid us when you know we won’t judge you? Everything you know about us shows we all care, and yet you shut us out! I don’t know what more we can do to prove we don’t hate you! But please, enlighten me!â€
Lily was upset now and was finding it difficult to stay calm. She had been trying to get better at it, but for one reason or another she would fly off the handle. Patience had never been one of her stronger characteristics, even when she was younger. However, with Remus and his rare moods, she had always been able to keep it in check. That was the most shocking thing to Lily about his outburst and she could see a similar shock on Remus’ face too.
–I’m so sorry Remus. That came out all wrong,†said Lily, apologising immediately and feeling appalled at herself. She kept her eyes trained on the space in front of her, forcing herself to remain silent and calm and not make things worse.
Remus followed Lily’s lead and maintained the silence - he wasn’t sure what else to do. He didn’t trust himself at the moment to keep a level head if he spoke, and he valued Lily friendship too much to risk tempting fate.
After several minutes of silence, it finally broke again when Lily said, –It’s just . . . I don’t think you quite understand what you mean to us all.†She succeeded in catching his eye and noted the pain in them, so she continued, –We just want to help. Will you let us? Please?â€
It was this more than anything that almost shattered Remus on the inside. Such a soft request, almost begging, and from one of the most strong-willed people he knew. In his heart he knew he should explain, but he didn’t know where to start or how to make her understand.
Lily could see Remus was at a loss for words. In an attempt to understand, she asked tentatively, –What’s it like, your transformations?â€
–Painful,†Remus replied bluntly without thinking. He could tell she was watching him intently, but he avoided looking at her as he said, –Your body just . . . and your limbs feel like . . . all while you’re still you, still fully conscious. And then your mind it . . . well suddenly you lose control and you’re not you anymore.â€
Lily couldn’t help but gasp quietly. She had read about werewolves for class and so she was quite aware of the process. But to hear about it from someone first-hand? And someone she knew and loved, who went through this month after month with no respite, no break, no hope during that one night. It made her feel ill, especially seeing the horror in Remus’ eyes and face, and the involuntary cringing as his body remembered the frequent trauma it came to expect - was gearing up for very soon.
In many ways Lily still couldn’t understand the full extent of what Remus went through. She wasn’t a werewolf and in all her seventeen years hadn’t experienced true pain having lived a comfortable and slightly sheltered life. She had never lost sight of who she was, even for a moment, and while she had her moments with James in the past, she really wasn’t violent. Thought neither was Remus - it was the condition that controlled that aspect.
–I don’t think . . . you don’t have the whole picture, Lily,†said Remus, cutting into her thoughts and causing her to look up at him again. –I’ve gotten used to it. I mean, I still don’t like it and it still hurts like hell, but I’ve accepted it. And it hasn’t really been that bad these past few years at school - I’ve had friends to help keep me sane throughout the ordeal,†he continued, giving Lily a significant look.
Lily nodded in understanding. She had visited James and Sirius at the start of the summer. One evening she couldn’t get to sleep, so she sat by the window looking out at the Potters’ gardens and saw the two of them be replaced by a stag and a large dog. She confronted them in the morning and they were forced to explain the whole thing to her. It had been hard to believe, but Lily came around and was rather impressed by their feat.
–But this summer was lonely and rough,†continued Remus. –That’s when I realized it would be more like that once we finished here. There would be no shack or forest, no Hospital Wing to recover, no sympathetic teachers, and no friends to ease the night. We’d be adults in the real world with our own lives to contend with.â€
–Remus, that’s -â€
–And I don’t begrudge any of it, really. It just feels like these past few years were more of a tease, and then I’ll be back on my own,†he finished, looking more dejected than Lily could remember.
–But Remus, they did it for you,†Lily pointed out gently. –I don’t mean to sound tactless, but you know full well how people react and treat you when they find out, but they didn’t. They remained your friends and stuck by your side knowing the worst. And when they knew that what they were doing wasn’t enough, they risked expulsion and worse to be right there next to you during the night. They studied seriously advanced magic for you and achieved the near-impossible for you. And from what I hear it’s been less . . . well you don’t hurt yourself nearly as much because they don’t want to see you hurt. James, Sirius, and Peter are great friends, Remus.â€
–I know,†he replied.
–I mean it, Remus,†Lily continued earnestly, wanting to be absolutely sure he knew how truly lucky he was with his friends. –Those three boys are positively amazing. They’ve done so much without being asked, and I’m sure there were even some protests from you along the way. They quite willingly kept your secret and likely did their fair share of lying to protect it. You four have already been through so much together that you have a solid, unwavering trust in one another. I really don’t think you realize how wonderful and rare what you have is.â€
Lily chose to remain silent after this and let her words sink in - she only hoped that they would. They had been honest words spoken from the heart, although she tried not to remember what those words would have been a few years back. She suspected annoying, egotistical, and immature would have been among them. Now that she had truly gotten to know them, however, she realized how wrong she was. The Gryffindor common room had never been so enjoyable, nor had there been so much laughter.
It was from Lily’s own personal experience that she knew the truth of her words and felt the gratitude from those same people. Being a Muggleborn during a war against them was difficult and some had chosen to keep their distance from her for fear of punishment by association. In the greater wizarding world she tried not to let others become aware of that knowledge because of the inevitable cold shouldering that would follow. In this respect she could sympathize with Remus and his own fear of segregation and therefore the strong support she felt from the three boys. It created some sort of invisible bond between them.
There had been many times Lily had been called names, those times constantly increasing, and every single time the boys had been there for her as friends, even if she couldn’t see it before. The names didn’t bother her, really, and they were becoming monotonous, but it hurt to think people could think so low of others.
But it wasn’t in only difficult situations that she knew this to be true. The boys did everything together and were able to share everything together. Lily hadn’t been so lucky - she’d had to split her time with her childhood friend, Snape, some others who were in her various other classes with whom she sometimes studied and did homework with, and the girls she shared her room with and spent her evenings with. A laugh with Snape about Petunia wasn’t the same with anybody else, and a comment during Advanced Potions was no good to her roommates who hadn’t continued taking that class.
Lily sighed as she realized just how much the four boys now meant to her. Her day wasn’t complete unless they were there to share it with. She could always count on Peter’s support no matter what, and Remus’ sanity and logic to hold them all together. Sirius was always ready with a laugh, his loyalty to his friends shocking the family that had disowned him. Then there was James.
At this thought Lily drew her hand across her face and let out a long breath. She didn’t know what to think about James. She knew he was smart and talented, both in class and on the Quidditch pitch. He was also goofy and mischievous at times, but quite serious when the occasion called for it. He knew how to laugh, and more importantly how to make her laugh, which Lily realized was very important to her, and his unquestioning, unwavering loyalty in his friends was staggering. His character had come as quite a shock to her, and it was one she held dearer than any other.
–You’re right,†Remus said at last. He looked up at Lily and said with a touch of amusement, –Of course you’re right, you being the head girl and all.â€
–Remus, I -â€
–Thank you, Lily,†he cut across her, reaching out to give her a one-armed hug. –I do know I’m lucky, but sometimes that’s hard to remember when you’re in a position like mine.â€
Lily leaned into him and rested her head on his shoulder. She was relieved that he came around without much of a fuss - it made things so much more pleasant for everyone. Then she said to him, –As long as you never completely forget, I’m sure we can find it in us to let that one go.â€
This comment made Remus smile having expected nothing less from her. He replied, –I won’t, I promise. But you forgot someone, and they’ve played quite a pivotal role in this luck of mine.â€
Confused, Lily tilted her head in thought before looking at him to respond, –It’s you, Lily. You are so . . . unfailingly kind and patient with me. You know just as much as the others and have still stuck by me. And just when I’m about as low as I can get, I get a rather timely kick in the pants to remind me how good things are, so thank you.â€
In spite of herself, Lily’s eyes teared up. She knew Remus was a private person so it meant a lot to her to hear how much he truly cared about her, that he valued her just as highly as the boys, which was saying something.
Laying her head back on his shoulder, Remus’ arm still wrapped in the one-armed hug, Lily gazed up at the moon and said to him, –You know, he wanted to come too. James, I mean. And he put up quite a fuss about it.â€
Remus snorted at his friend’s typical response to opposition and replied, –He’s always too stubborn to quit.â€
–I suppose it was justified, though, seeing as someone had to come find you. And he meant well,†added Lily, not wanting to make it sound like James had acted like a complete child.
–That’s usually the case with him,†he reflected, recalling numerous accounts of James meaning well and yet still being impatient and make a bit of a scene. It was part of who he was but somehow an endearing trait all the same.
Lily nodded in agreement. She thought back to all of her encounters with the boy and what she had once thought to be his tiresome ways, unaware that Remus was doing much the same thing. Now, however, things weren’t as tiresome as they used to be. She would almost go so far as to say she looked forward to seeing him. Everything seemed to brighten at the sight of him and she wouldn’t feel as cold as she might have done before.
–James really isn’t so bad once you get to know him,†said Remus casually, echoing Lily’s own sentiment.
–I know,†she answered with a sigh. She was beginning to feel unnecessarily warm and uncomfortable and was thankful it was a cool, dark night.
Remus seemed to leave Lily alone with her thoughts because they sat in silence again for several long minutes. During this time she continued to think back on her friendship with the boys and how indescribably glad she was to truly get to know the four of them. Even as she sat there she couldn’t believe the impact they’d had on her life, but she knew without a doubt that she wouldn’t have it any other way.
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Melancholy Reflections by Secret Marauder 90
Chapter Notes: The title for this fic was inspired by a piano piece by the same title composed by Mike Schoenmehl, just to give him the credit there.
It also wouldn't feel right if I didn't put in even a hint of J/L at the very end. Enjoy!
Chapter Endnotes: Well I hope you liked it. I know it's been a while for me, but life just got super busy. Please leave a comment of any kind and I'll love you forever!!