02/19/06
schmergo.tumblr.com
Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.
Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.
My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.
The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.
My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!
As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.
You're welcome.
A WONDERFUL SONG ABOUT TYRONE THOMAS
Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
SCHMERGO:
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!
ALL:
No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone
EMMA:
When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!
SCHMERGO:
For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�
ALL:
No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�
ALL:
My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�
EMMA:
Well, except for Wolfgang!
ALL:
No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.
SCHMERGO:
For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�
TYRONE:
Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.
ALL:
No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!
ALL:
Probably scared of Tyrone!
TYRONE:
When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!
ALL:
No one flirts like Tyrone!
EMMA:
Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!
ALL:
MY WHAT A GUY� TYRONE!
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Sirius Black and the Drapery of Doom by capella_black
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: The last day of Sirius's life. He's got a lot of free time to hit the bottle and brood on life, memories, people, etc. Order members come and go, and it all ends with the battle and a certain mysterious veil.
Date: 10/09/06 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter Four
I'm loving this story. Update, pur-leaze! I like your portrayal of Remus, too-- that's very nice. :)
Author's Response: Thanks again! I\'ve got a lot more of that conversation written, but it needs much tweaking. I\'ll try to get it up soon though. :)
Casting Grouch by remus R us
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: What if, all the world's a stage, and the characters of HP fan fiction are actors? This is the story of what happened between 'gigs', when characters meet in the Great Hall to share their complaints about how they're portrayed. Dumbledore has been rooted out of retirement after 'dying', James has doubts about Harry's paternity, Remus rants, and Voldemort does a Gilderoy.
In short, mayhem ensues.
These are not Jo's sterling characters. This group of players has been forced to enact some of the most atrocious parts in fan fiction-dom, and they're all primed and ready for the casting grouch.
Date: 09/21/06 Title: Chapter 1: One Shot
Wow... you know, I think that it should be rated higher than 3rd-5th years, because that was a tad... squicky in places. But it was still funny! And it's true, all the girls love Remus. I should know.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Sequel follows shortly! Being my first fan fic, I am still finding my way around the tech stuff. Sorry about the rating!
The Dark Lord's Blog by Schmerg_The_Impaler
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •
Summary: What does Lord Voldemort do in his spare time? Well, that's an excellent question. Who would have known that the Dark Lord has a blog? (He also has a loyal following of readers, most of whom are Death Eaters and who post their comments.) Voldemort dispenses advice on everything from murder methods to germ protection to Power Rangers to shoes, and gives an account of the life of an evil overlord. But is he posting too much personal information online? And will Harry read it and find out more about the Dark Lord than Voldemort ever intended? Read and see.
WARNING: Extremely OOC behaviour from almost all.
RUNNER-UP in the 2007 Quicksilver Quills Awards for Best Humour fic! Also nominated like 21 times, because apparently my readers are as insane as I am!
Date: 10/15/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
HERE'S THE REVIEWS SOME CHARACTERS LEFT FOR THIS STORY:
"Perfect! It's exactly what I was looking for to use as a liner for Hedwig's cage!
--Harry
P.S. VOLDEMORT IS A LEWZER!"
"Dear Voldemort,
I used to think you were lame. Then I read your blog, and I've changed my mind. I think you're THE LAMEST OF THE LAMEY LAME PEOPLE! Also... lame! That too!
Love,
Ron."
"I just read this blog. Is this what being on crack feels like?
--Hermione."
Okay, so they aren't exactly raving... but hey, at least they read it!
P.S. AT LEAST I CAN SPELL LOSER, POTTER!
P.P.S. So I'm lame, Weasley? Let's see YOU dive headfirst into a tank of tarantulas to retrieve the latte you dropped. Are you man enough for that?
P.P.P.S. Say no to drugs, Granger! I may justify murder, but drugs are bad!
P.P.P.P.S. Okay, maybe I am lame, since I'm writing a review for my own blog.
--Voldemort.
Author's Response: I think I have problems. Writing reviews for my own story...?
Date: 04/16/08 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Don't Try This At Home
you suck and i hate you. next time i see you your going to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
love me
Author's Response: I wish you wouldn\'t go on my account anymore, Jay. TO THE INTERNET IN GENERAL: The guy who left this comment on my account is very ugly and regularly wets himself in public. And then refuses to change his pants afterward. YAAAY!
Full Moon by NickiGrint
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Just a little poem I thought up about Lupin and Tonks. My first Fan Fiction ever! Please Read and Review!
Date: 04/06/07 Title: Chapter 1: Full Moon
That's really cute! I think it's interesting to show that Remus actually appreciates the fact that he's a werewolf because it shows that Tonks loves him no matter what. That's a surprisingly deep statement for such a brief piece of writing, which I guess is what poetry is all about! Great job!
(And incidentally, I saw on your bio that you like "Ghosts I Have Been." Brilliant story! That was the first book I ever checked out from the library with my own card in Kindergarten-- no, don't think I'm super-smart or anything! I just learned to read early... I read about the same level now that I did then, sadly.)
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Obviously your reading level must be high to write all those great fanfics! I feel honored to have a great author like you review my poem!
For Good by Hermione_Rocks
Rated: 3rd-5th Years •Summary: I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Follows the relationship between Albus Dumbledore and Severus Snape. To the song For Good from the amazing Broadway musical Wicked.
Date: 10/06/06 Title: Chapter 1: For Good
Oh my gosh. I think I cried.
I'm sorry for leaving such an unintelligent review, but this is excellent, and extremely moving. I'm a big fan of "Wicked" as well, so I absolutely had to read this story. Your portrayal of Snape was one of the best I've ever seen.
Author's Response: Someone crying at something I wrote?! Wow, I\'m really amazed, thanks so much(that sounds very evil...\"YES, I made someone cry!\" ;) . Thank you so much for the review.
... And he Turned Around Snobbily and Strutted Away by Mind_Over_Matter
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: "Strutting around the place with his friends and admirers..." ~Professor Snape, PoA
There may be some reason behind Snape's words.
Date: 10/13/06 Title: Chapter 1: A Particularly Good Day
Aw, that's cute! I wanted to see your take on the Marauders. The title itself is priceless... and I love your Remus. He's just so... REMUS!
Author's Response: Yay ^^ I\'m glad you like how this turned out. This is very little of my take on the Marauders, but if it\'s gone down well, I\'m happy. I can\'t even type that word normally anymore O_O. Thanks for reviewing!
A Stolen Past by nuw255
Rated: 3rd-5th Years • Summary: Fifteen-year-old Harry Potter wakes up in his cupboard under the stairs at number four, Privet Drive with no memory of the past five years of his life. What happened to his memory? What do his strange dreams mean? And most importantly, how will he survive in a school for incurably criminal boys?
This is primarily a mystery, with a bit of shippiness thrown in here and there. Of course, if I told you WHO is involved in the shippiness, that would ruin part of the mystery, wouldn’t it?
This story takes place immediately after OotP (and thus disregards HBP).
Date: 11/04/06 Title: Chapter 12: Chapter 12: “I smell a rat.”
AAAAAGHHH! Poor Hassseth! And Wormytailster, even though I don't really like them.
This was a really interesting chapter, though. I'll miss Tyler, but I can't wait for Harry to rejoin the real wizarding world.
I actually 'squee'd out loud when I got the email telling me that this was updated.
Author's Response: Yeah, it really tore me up to have to kill Hassseth -- I have this great mental image of Harry carrying her around Hogwarts on his shoulder and scaring Draco & Co. -- but her venom never would\'ve been enough to kill \"Wormytailster\" without the whole head-crushing thing. Sadly, it was a necessary sacrifice.
On a totally different note, I think that was my first official \'squee.\' LOL!
Date: 11/04/06 Title: Chapter 12: Chapter 12: “I smell a rat.”
When I said 'I don't really like them,' I meant 'him.' I was referring to the Tailster, not Hassseth, who I loved. I tried to delete my previous post to correct that error, but it didn't work. Hmmm
Author's Response: I got what you meant, but thanks for clarifying. It seems that these reviews are set in stone once you press \"Submit.\"
Date: 11/04/06 Title: Chapter 4: Chapter 4: Hassseth
I didn't review the first several chapters, but this is shaping up to be a really great story! I like Hassseth, and I find it interesting that Tyler, who's a criminal, is a nice kid, and also quite intelligent.
Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing, Schmergo. I\'m glad you like Hassseth and Tyler. I\'m not sure how Tyler turned out to be such a nice, intelligent kid despite being a criminal, other than the fact that he was really forced to steal in order to survive. He\'s definitely not a \"hardened crimial\" like certain other boys at St. Brutus\'s.
Date: 11/04/06 Title: Chapter 5: Chapter 5: The Severe Beating of a Sixteen-year-old Wizard
I'm so glad you didn't kill Tyler! I love that boy, and he's a great OC. If they do Quicksilver Quill awards next year, I might nominate him for Best OC.
I know it's not supposed to be funny, but I had to laugh when Harry tried to fly. The image was so funny.
I like how innocent Harry is, really. Such a total change from his usal 15-year-old self.
Author's Response: Wow, I didn\'t realize anybody liked Tyler that much. Now I\'m really glad I didn\'t kill him off. And don\'t worry about laughing when Harry tried to fly; I laugh to myself every time I reread that part. As you say, what\'s going on at that moment may be very serious, but the mental image of Harry attempting to fly away on an ordinary broom is hilarious. Thanks for another great review!
Date: 11/04/06 Title: Chapter 6: Chapter 6: “The best freak I can be”
I like the chapter title. It's so cool how Harry can use the wandless magic, and how he was resilient enough to block the bullets! Although I love this story, I feel horrible about how Harry's being treated. He's such a good guy!
Author's Response: You know, every time I go back and read the first half (or more) of this story, I suddenly find myself sympathizing with J.K. Rowling when she said she\'d like to take Harry out to dinner and apologize for everything she\'s put him through (or something like that). But then I read the rest of the story and look at my plan for the sequel and try to tell myself that he hopefully won\'t hate me once it\'s all over. Thanks for another kind review, and for not sending me an e-crucio for putting Harry through so much. :)
Date: 11/04/06 Title: Chapter 7: Chapter 7: Ron
Actually, the title of the chapter DOES warm my heart, because I really love Ron.
So Harry's magical friends don't know that he has amnesia?
I really like Harry's sarcasm, and the way that his confidence is growing. I'm favouriting this story.
Author's Response: Well, I see you\'ve already reviewed the next chapter, so I\'m sure you already know this, but yeah, Harry\'s magical friends don\'t know about his amnesia. And I\'m now doing a happy dance because I made your favorites list!
Date: 11/04/06 Title: Chapter 8: Chapter 8: Practice Makes Perfect
I've said it before, but I I love Tyler-- the idea of a smart kid at a ghetto school like that is refreshing. I also like the way that he doesn't think of Harry as a freak-- I'm glad that he's found a friend.
Author's Response: I\'ve said it before too, but I\'m really glad you like Tyler. Sadly, chapter 12 is the last we will see of him in this story, although he will resurface in the sequel. Doesn\'t that make you curious about the next chapter? *laughs maniacally*
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 16: Chapter 16: A Bumblebee
Wow! That's good. I love the bumblebee reference, and it's interesting how, as he regains more and more of his memories, Harry's becoming more like a teenager and less like a ten-year-old trapped in a teenager's body.
You're so fast at updating fics! In fact, you're the quickest updater I know of... which is good, because this story is uber-suspenseful!
Author's Response: Thanks, Schmergo! I was a little worried that the bumblebee thing would come off as corny, but I think it turned out okay. And I really hope the fast updates don\'t spoil everybody to the point that they stop reading if the sequel isn\'t updated as quickly. (The sequel won\'t be a Mystery, so I have no idea how quickly the Mods will validate chapters.)
Date: 11/12/06 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1: Memory Loss
I just realised something else. The name 'Dumbledore' means 'Bumblebee.' Is this intentional and symbolic, or am I merely on crack?
Author's Response: Umm... I think only you can answer the crack question, although I sincerely hope you\'re not. I do know that Dumbledore means Bumblebee, and I get a little kick out of the fact that that chapter is, in a sense, a conversation between two Bumblebees. So I guess it is intentional, although I\'m not sure what symbolism it might hold. :)
Date: 11/06/06 Title: Chapter 13: Chapter 13: The Burrow
Awwww... I love this chapter! I love the way Molly just jumps right back in and continues treating him the same as ever, kind of like the prodigal son. My favourite part is when McGonagall intercepted the letter! I still love Ron's characterisation to bits.
Today's like Christmas in November! FIVE of my fourteen favourite fanfictions were updated today, including this one! WHOOT!
Author's Response: Wow! Either the Mystery queue is extremely short right now, or its Mod is working overtime, because I submitted this chapter less than 48 hours ago! Not that I\'m complaining.
I\'m glad you still like the characterization of Ron, and of Mrs. Weasley. When I was writing Ron\'s letter to Harry, I thought, \"You know what would be funny...\" and the whole McGonagall intercepting the letter thing was born.
Thanks for reviewing, Schmergo!
Date: 11/04/06 Title: Chapter 9: Chapter 9: Hassseth and Hedwig
OOoh, lovely job! Your characterisation of Ron, Dumbledore, and Hermione was spot-on, and I liked the switching viewpoint. It must be so sad for Harry to know that he has friends that he can't remember. This story is just getting better and better.
Author's Response: I\'m so glad you liked my characterization -- that\'s always something I worry about, as I tend to just write what comes naturally and don\'t think about how well the characters match canon until later. I guess that means I know them pretty well. Yay! :) Thanks for reviewing!
Date: 11/04/06 Title: Chapter 10: Chapter 10: Hermione
Oh wow. You're so good at writing Ron and Hermione that it seems like they just skipped off the pages of the canon. I love Ron's letter, and the part where Tyler says "Hi, Harry-- you can put me down now," was really funny. (And the part about him asking Harry if he wanted to snog Hassseth.)
Author's Response: Yeah, I loved those parts too. Tyler\'s never been completely comfortable with Harry and Hassseth\'s friendship, so he has to come back with a barb every now and again. And you have to admit, the way Harry was talking about Hassseth would probably make him wonder.
Date: 11/04/06 Title: Chapter 11: Chapter 11: Correspondence
Aww! Tyler wuvs Cho! That's so cute! I loved the correspondence and how Harry and his friends still have a strong friendship, despite the fact that he can't remember them. There was one thing that bothered me, though-- when Ron said, "I’m the one who talks about Quidditch. And food." Either he's just being funny, or that's a little too much like film-canon, having Ron be the dumb one. But I've always seem him as rather self-effacing and everything, so I guess that would make sense.
Author's Response: Yeah, the part about Ron only talking about Quidditch and food was definitely exaggeration on his part. His main point was that he usually only talks about \"manly things,\" and leaves the \"girly\" topics (i.e. who fancies whom) to Hermione. I really hope he didn\'t come across as dumb, because that\'s definitely not what I was going for.