Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.
Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.
My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.
The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.
My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!
As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.
You're welcome.
A WONDERFUL SONG ABOUT TYRONE THOMAS
Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
SCHMERGO:
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!
ALL:
No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone
EMMA:
When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!
SCHMERGO:
For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�
ALL:
No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�
ALL:
My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�
EMMA:
Well, except for Wolfgang!
ALL:
No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.
SCHMERGO:
For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�
TYRONE:
Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.
ALL:
No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!
ALL:
Probably scared of Tyrone!
TYRONE:
When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!
ALL:
No one flirts like Tyrone!
EMMA:
Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!
ALL:
MY WHAT A GUY� TYRONE!
Dude, I just saw the discussion on forehead scars... I have one! I ran into a glass-topped coffee table when I was three, and still bear the mark. I actually read Harry Potter for the first time when I was six because he had a forehead scar, too!
Author's Response: Okay, you crack me up as usual. Love ya, Schmergo!
Wow, I can only guess that this will be important later on. I absolutely love your Dumbledore, and I can't wait for more!
Author's Response: Thanks, Schmergo! Knowing Occlumency will definitely be important to Harry as the story progresses. Thanks for reviewing!
Rats. You've discovered that I'm Irma Pince. So, in revenge, I'll spill your secret... YOU'RE HARRY POTTER. Come on, you know you can't hide it much longer. How else could anyone characterize Harry so perfectly?
Author's Response: Come now, Schmergo... do you really want to get on Harry Potter\'s -- I mean, Nuwanda\'s -- bad side? You saw what I -- I mean, Harry -- did to Voldykins\'s blog. Imagine the possibilities.... After all, your precious Filchy can\'t exactly defend himself against magic....
This chapter was so fun! I love the concept of Snape spontaneously combusting! Ick... Snape Juice on the walls... whatever happened to old Sluggy, though?
You're good at writing Quidditch. Usually, Quidditch scenes bore me, and I skip over them, but this one was very well-written. I can't wait for more!
Author's Response: Snape Juice?!?!?!?! I laughed myself silly over that one. Dear ol\' Sluggy didn\'t appear until HBP, and since A Stolen Past started right after OotP, he got the axe.
Thanks for the compliment about the Quidditch. I don\'t really like writing Quidditch matches, mainly because it\'s hard to make them interesting, but there are times when you\'ve just got to do it. Basically, though, I just cut to the chase and don\'t spend a lot of time describing the same thing over and over again.
Oh my gosh... when I read the part about an obsessive stare, I imagined Draco with the most ridiculous seductive leer on his face, and it was enough to kill me with laughter.
As usual, this is brilliant. Snape being Polyjuiced into Harry? Mrs. Weasley being a pranking terror?
I must know, however, what caused Millicent Bulstrode (who I've always seen as rather tough) to cry?
For some reason, although his part in this chapter is not a large one, I feel the need to compliment you on your depiction of Ron. It's absolutely perfect, one of the best I've seen!
Author's Response: Thanks so much, Schmergo! I\'m not sure where all those ideas came from, but they seemed like a lot of fun. :-) I\'m glad you enjoyed it. I\'ve always seen Millicent as being rather tough as well, but she\'s also a teenaged girl. If she went after Snape intending to either comfort him or help him get revenge, and instead found herself on the receiving end of his temper with Pansy backing him up and adding nasty comments as well, then I can see her starting to cry after she was left alone in the corridor. Of course, the great thing about writing from Harry\'s point of view is that I don\'t have to specify exactly what happened if he has no way of knowing. ;-) In all seriousness, though, thank you for the lovely review, Schmergo. I really appreciate it.
Great, now some of your more rabid reviewers will rip me to shreds for beating them to getting the first review. But I forgot to put in my review that it was hilarious to have Remus Lupin and Peeves work together to prank Snape. I love it when people add a drop or two of mischief to Remus Lupin... far too often, I see him depicted as a sad old man, while I see him as simply the most sensitive and introverted of the Marauders but a Marauder nonetheless!
Author's Response: I\'m glad you see Remus that way, because I totally agree. I\'ve always imagined that, while he may not have been involved in the bullying that James and Sirius sometimes indulged in, Remus was probably quite involved in a lot of the pranks. Of course, the fact that he was a werewolf and later a Prefect as well probably meant he worked behind the scenes more so as not to get caught, but I think he was very much a Marauder. :-)
Ooh, I like it. Harry's really becoming quite a lot like his canon self, with a few noticeable differences in temperament. I think it's interesting that Harry's more friendly with Ginny than with Ron and Hermione... which I guess is kind of sad, seeing as Ron and Hermione like him more than he likes them, in a way.
Author's Response: Yeah, this is sort of a rough spot for Ron and Hermione. Harry knows he used to be best friends with both of them, but they have so little time together now that it\'s hard to rebuild that level of friendship.
This is good! I love the idea of sticking Tyler in with the Weasleys... the coolest of the canon characters combined with the coolest of the OCs! I still love Fred, of course, and the fact that Harry doesn't know much about girls. I mean, if you think about it, he was an innocent ten-year-old, and then BANG! He woke up as a fifteen-year-old with hormones that just seemed to appear overnight, by his memory.
Fudge is so ebil... makes me almost appreciate Scrimgeour.
I can't wait for more!
Author's Response: Thanks, Schmergo! Funnily enough, Harry is turning out to be better with girls in this story than he is in canon -- I mean, he immediately discarded the idea of showering Ginny with presents because he realizes she\'s not that sort of girl. He doesn\'t know everything, of course, but the fact that he\'s pursuing Ginny rather than Cho will definitely work in his favor.
I\'m really glad you like the fact that Tyler is with the Weasleys. I see Mrs. Weasley as the type to take in a \"lost sheep\" like him, just as she would have been more than willing to do for Harry. I\'m glad you approve.
As for Fudge... yeah, he\'s an idiot. You\'re right, he does almost make you appreciate Scrimgeour. Almost. I still think Scrimgeour is secretly a Death Eater -- that\'s why he keeps trying to get Harry alone. Okay, not really. Anyway, thanks for the review!
WOOOT! This is really good... I was just thinking about this story today (when I should have been paying attention in geometry.) I've said it many times, but this story really does read just like canon. I especially love your characterization of Remus Lupin (he's one of my favourite charactes, and this was the most realistic portrayal I've ever seen) and Peeves (he was just plain awesome.) I'm awaiting to see who's attacking the castle with bated breath!
(That is, I'm waiting with bated breath. I don't mean that people are attacking the castle with their bad breath.)
Author's Response: \"That is, I\'m waiting with bated breath. I don\'t mean that people are attacking the castle with their bad breath.\" That one made me laugh.
Hi, Schmergo! I would apologize for distracting you during Geometry, but somehow I don\'t think you mind. ;-) I\'m really glad you like my portrayal of Remus and Peeves -- that was a LOT of fun to write. I almost had Remus go ahead and help with the give-Snape-a-swirlie thing, but it just didn\'t seem like a Moony sort of thing to do. Padfoot or Prongs, sure, but not Moony. The alternate prank is coming up in a few chapters, though. I hope you like it!
Oooooh... wow, I wonder if there's a way to prove whether someone's under the influence of love potion. Otherwise, Ginny really is in trouble. I can't believe I'm worried about fictional characters in a fanfiction, but this is like an extremely well-written, non-cheesy soap opera. It just kinda sucks you in. Keep writing!
Author's Response: Schmergo, I am deeply offended. You compared my writing to a soap opera. How dare you? Okay, you said \"extremely well-written, non-cheesy soap opera\" so I guess I forgive you. ;-) Ginny does seem to be in more than a bit of trouble though, doesn\'t she? Hopefully I can get the next chapter up soon so you can find out what happens!
First thought of the chapter-- when I read the word 'spellfire,' I was listening to a song from "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" that has a title that rhymes with spellfire. I found that rather amusing.
Well, this was not even close to how I expected you to write the ending. I never, ever thought you would do something like that to Harry, maybe because this story sometimes takes on a rather fluffy tone. (Although the idea of having Remus go behind the veil like Sirius almost made me happy, although it also terrified me-- I can't stand the concept of him dying.) The way you characterized Ginny in her hysteria was absolutely perfect. I've seen some authors who portray her as sort of weeping silently after Harry's death, but I've never seen a story where she yelled at Dumbledore. She really is perfect for Harry, although I guess they'll never truly be together.
Hmmmmm. Blah. I don't really know what to say. I really feel horrible right about now. This was so depressing, and because I really think of this and its predecessor as canon, it's just like when JK Rowling kills off a character. (But moreso. Because Cedric wasn't a major character, and I never really liked Sirius, and I knew that Dumbledore would have to die at some point-- besides, he was old and had lived a full life.)
Author's Response: Oh, Schmergo, now you\'ve gone and made me sad too. I\'m glad you liked my characterization of Ginny -- she can be stoic at times, but she\'s a very passionate person, and I can totally see her reacting the way I wrote her in this chapter. Please stick with me for the final chapter; I\'ll have it up as soon as I possibly can.
For some reason, I find it terribly funny to see Draco behaving like he is, all lovesick and swoony. It almost feels like a satirical depiction of those sappy Draco-centric romancce fics.
I'm rather disappointed in Harry, but he's human, and besides, I agree with Hermione. It was pretty funny.
The idea of Hagrid using a memory of a dragon was very good, too.
One thing that I like about your writing is that you're not allowed to go outside the boundaries of canon magic-- you can invent other kinds of magic and uses of magic not explicitly entailed in the books while still keeping your story canon. That's what really gives it the fresh-but-familiar kind of feeling that makes it feel like it really could be a new book in the Harry Potter series.
By the way, it's SOOOO awesome that you updated twice in one day! *Boogie*
Author's Response: Thanks, Schmergo! I\'m really flattered to hear my writing compared to the actual HP books; it\'s rather fun. And I\'m glad you found the prank on Draco amusing. I\'ve only read a couple of Draco-centric romances, and I have to say I think you\'re absolutely right! This DOES read like a parody of one of those. I must have done it subconsciously, though, because I didn\'t even realize it until you brought it up. ;-)
NO WAY! Two chapters in one day? (I rhyme... but anyway, that's truly spectacular. I'm so glad that my favourite story updates so often.)
I am unspeakably happy that you included the Marauders in this chapter! So, uh, James is cooler than I'll ever be, Remus is awesomer than anyone will ever be, Ginny is a three-dimensional character and nifty to boot. And Dumbledore steals the show.
Author's Response: Schmergo is a poet, and she didn\'t even know it! Okay, so maybe you did know it. Thank you so much for the praise in this review. It really means a lot to see that you think I\'m doing a good job of portraying the characters the way I see them in my head. So thanks. :-)
Oh, nuw-- may I make a reference to this story in the sequel to "The Dark Lord's Blog?" I'm probably submitting the first chapter sometime this week, and I wanted Voldemort to briefly mention that he's had nothing to do now that the last chapter of "A Past Reclaimed," (the fic he's been following obsessively) has been posted. What say you?
I think I forgot to mention in my previous review that it would be interesting to see a one-shot from you about how Remus's life is different now that he's not a werewolf... in the story, he kind of got over the shock quickly (which is totally understandable, as the story's about Harry, not Remus), but I'd like to see a little piece of writing from his point of view. Anyway, this story certainly did go out with a bang! I'll miss it... and so will Voldemort.
Author's Response: Schmergo! I actually e-mailed you about this as soon as I saw this review, but I\'ll answer you here too. I would be honored to have my story mentioned in the sequel to \"The Dark Lord\'s Blog.\"
I agree that a one-shot about Remus would be interesting, and maybe I\'ll write one at some point. It would also be fun to write a Tyler-centric one-shot about him helping the twins. For now, though, I\'ve got a couple of other stories already in the works and I\'ll be focusing more on them.
WOW! I can't wait for the next chapter! Luckily, I guess it won't take long to validate!
In any case-- the kiss-that-wasn't was very well-done. It seems very realistic. I also quite enjoyed Tyler's letter... don't even ask how this is possible, but I'm a Filch fan, and I think he's terribly funny.
Is Tyler's pen friend Cho? Don't answer that, I want to be surprised!
Author's Response: Don\'t worry, I won\'t tell you who Tyler\'s pen friend is. You\'ll have to wait and find out with Harry. I\'m glad you liked the kiss-that-wasn\'t. Originally, I just had them getting interrupted by Dumbledore, but it seemed so... unrealistic. I think this way works much better, and it fits better with the rest of the story too.
You\'re a Filch fan, eh? Your real name wouldn\'t happen to be Irma Pince, would it, Schmergo? Don\'t try to deny it. Your secret\'s out!
OOOH! This is an excellent chapter... and you KNOW I love Tyler. I think that the Tyler/Luna match is perfect, seeing as I'm quite fond of both characters and neither is afraid to be a little different. Tyler would be a great DJ!
I really liked your portrayal of Hermione! The way that you showed the way that she's closed-minded even though SHE hates closed-minded people lke Lucius Malfoy. Your greatest strength in writing-- and what makes your stories so interesting to read-- are your skills in characterization and character development. I cannot wait for more!
Incidentally, I laughed at the "Nothing Up My Sleeves" thing.
Author's Response: Yay! I made Schmergo laugh! *does happy dance* Thank you so much. I think the reason I try so hard on characterization is because I get so annoyed when I\'m reading a story and I have to stop and say, \"There\'s no way ANYBODY would EVER react that way in that situation.\" Of course, sometimes (when writing humour, especially) that\'s the idea, but when it\'s a serious story it can be rather irritating.
Anyway, I\'m really glad you like the Tyler/Luna bit. I know a lot of people have been pulling for those two, and I finally got to deliver that (although I\'ve actually been planning that ever since I decided to let Tyler live back in A Stolen Past).
I\'m also really glad I was able to get my point across about Hermione. It\'s funny, but sometimes the most intolerant people are the same ones who hate intolerance. I think that Hermione can sometimes be like that (but not ALL the time).
Anyway, thank you for reviewing!
RON IS HILARIOUS! Erm, I am madly in love with him... that taken care of...
Everyone is perfectly in character in this chapter, and I especially love your three-dimensional portrayal of Percy. I'm also quite fond of the fact that Bill's name is Bilius, because I always thought up until now that I was the only person who thought that was his first name!
I do have one thing to say-- sorry to be so Percy-esque, but I think Harry and Ginny were almost a little too in-your-face about their relationship. They did a lot of PDA, and in front of Ginny's family, too... I thought that was a little bit annoying. But, of course, you HAD to put that in the story so Percy could be awesome, so don't even listen to me.
Keep rockin'!
Author's Response: Thank you, Schmergo! It\'s good to see you\'re still around. I\'m glad you liked my portrayal of Percy, and that you liked Bill\'s name being Bilius. It\'s William in my other story, but I\'ve always wondered if Bill and Charlie weren\'t really Bilius and Charlus, rather than William and Charles.
Anyway, I totally agree with you about the PDA being kind of annoying, but I look at it as Ginny\'s way of telling everybody about their relationship. They actually didn\'t do any more snogging after Percy took the mistletoe (unless there was some I forgot about). Of course, you might consider her sitting on his lap to be PDA, but... I don\'t know, I guess I just don\'t -- not in this story, anyway. But yeah, I really don\'t plan on having Harry and Ginny acting like Ron and Lavender in HBP or anything. ;-)
I liked this chapter a lot, and I'm so glad that this story's been updated! *Does the happy update dance, which is suspiciously similar to the "Disco Duck"*. Harry's regaining his confidence, and the broomstick instruction video was funny. For some reason, I really liked the line where Fred said, "I don’t want to be on the receiving end of any of your curses no matter how much magic you’ve forgotten."
Author's Response: Thanks so much. I\'m glad you liked the chapter, and that you\'re still reading my story. I\'m not sure where I got the idea for the video, but once I thought of it, I couldn\'t resist using it. Anyway, keep an eye out for chapter 3, because I just submitted it!
Wow! This should be interesting... Harry returning to Hogwarts... so he'll be in Ginny's year? That's very interesting. I like the idea of having Tyler there as well... that should be so much fun!
I especially loved the idea of Draco bald. I can just see that part happening!
Author's Response: Bald!Draco seems to be quite popular. Perhaps even more popular than LeatherPants!Draco (who will NEVER appear in this story... unless it\'s part of a prank). ;)
Sadly, Tyler doesn\'t get to go to Hogwarts, but he\'ll have a blast anyway. Oh, and yes, Harry is in Ginny\'s year.
Ooh! This is the Christmas section you talked about earlier! And it did not disappoint!!
The part that described Harry's memories returning to him was as powerful as it possibly could have been, and the bit about only Hagrid being able to perform the charm was truly amazing.
But of course, my favourite part was the last paragraph. It should be interesting to see what Harry is like from this point on, a combination of the person he was in the books and the person he's become since losing his memory. I cannot wait for more!
Author's Response: SCHMERGO! Hi. I\'m glad you liked the chapter, and I really hope I don\'t disappoint you with my future characterization of Harry. Actually, I don\'t think it will be much of a problem, since he\'s pretty much the same person in this story and the books, with the only really notable exception being his memory. I think he\'ll continue to act pretty much the way he has been, though, especially since he\'s grown up a lot since the end of OotP.