Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.
Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.
My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.
The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.
My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!
As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.
You're welcome.
A WONDERFUL SONG ABOUT TYRONE THOMAS
Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
SCHMERGO:
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!
ALL:
No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone
EMMA:
When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!
SCHMERGO:
For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�
ALL:
No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�
ALL:
My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�
EMMA:
Well, except for Wolfgang!
ALL:
No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.
SCHMERGO:
For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�
TYRONE:
Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.
ALL:
No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!
ALL:
Probably scared of Tyrone!
TYRONE:
When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!
ALL:
No one flirts like Tyrone!
EMMA:
Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!
ALL:
MY WHAT A GUY� TYRONE!
I like this... I like it a lot. Your Marauders are so close and friendly, and I also really like your Sirius's manner of speech. It seems sort of as though he's... eloquent and quasi-formal, but sarcastic, not serious, about it.“Oh, so that would explain why your grip was slimier and slipperier than usual.” The one thing I dislike is Remus's mustache. Is that a reference to the films?
It's really adorable that Remus had a thing for Lily. They're really cute... I would ship them had I not known how it all ends.
I also like your Snape and Peter-- they're very unique portrayals. Speaking of Peter, I'm thinking that's the voice at the end of the dream. Don't tell me if I'm right! I don't want to spoil the surprise!
Please update soon.
Author's Response: Another fabulous review from the one and only Schmerg. How honored I am! Most of my reviewers don’t leave marks on both chapters, so I was overjoyed to see that you had been so kind as to go the extra mile. I’m so glad you’re enjoying the story thus far!
I’m glad you like my take on the Marauders. It’s funny; I’ve met with some slight opposition regarding their manner of speech, especially James and Sirius. The way I see it, we haven’t really seen much of the James and Sirius in their younger years… and it was never implied that they weren’t smart. James and Sirius just seemed to have chosen not to go around spouting their intellect to the Hogwarts student body. But what I have seen with many of my friends is that they act slightly different depending on who they are around. Surely even I do this. Really, Sirius and James in particular are slightly derived from characteristics of my friends here and there. I’ve also heard that, when you really admire a person, you occasionally mimic certain qualities of theirs’. Thus, I think the Marauders all did this to each other subconsciously as I’m sure many of us do (I’ve caught myself doing it many a time). So, I’m glad you were not offended by their way of speaking.
Lupin’s mustache? Ah, that is actually a double entendre. It is inspired by the film, but I do not really picture Lupin’s mustache to look as David Thewlis’s did (although I think Thewlis was a great Lupin). The mustache is really a reference to my own personal experience. Mine grew in at quite an early age (fifth grade, to be exact), and many of my male classmates teased me about it. Now, oddly enough, many of my male friends make more positive remarks on the mustache. In fact, many have expressed frustration at not being able to grow theirs’ as thick as mine. So, I thought I would give that story to Remus. It’s a boy thing, I guess. After all, I think it gives him a more wolf-like quality, as Sirius says in the story.
I’m glad you liked the slight Remus/Lily ship I snuck in there. This was inspired by the films, but I thought it sounded reasonable when I reflected on it. Originally, the whole story was going to be centered on this, but I’ve decided I would rather not put the sole focus on that. It will still be important though. After all, why should James have been the only Marauder to fall for the sweet, kind, intellectual and good-natured Lily Potter? Just because Remus was the quiet one does not meant he didn’t have a crush. In fact, the way I see it, his meek and insecure exterior makes him an even more likely candidate for such a thing.
You know, you’re, like, the third or fourth person to comment on Peter. Honestly, I thought I had given his character a little too little to say, but I have not had that complaint yet. I surely did not think he was going to be this popular while I was writing him! Truly I thought comments like this one would have gone to Remus, as he was the one I was putting more depth into. But I’m glad Peter does not feel glossed over to you. That was definitely one thing I was trying to avoid… I must admit, though, that I’ve given him very straightforward dialogue. Regarding Snape, I’m glad you liked him. He was kind of fun to write. Evil has never spoken so rudely!
As to the mysterious voice, I won’t say a word. I’m glad you like that angle of the story. For the majority, it’s a split view on this piece. Some like it, some don’t. Hopefully my planned conclusion for that will please you and my other readers!
I’m working on chapter three now. It’s pretty tough, but I’ve found a core story to revolve the plot around. My energy to write it is somewhat fizzled, but hopefully it will re-spark. I can only hope I will see a review from you, Schmerg, when my third chapter is up. Thanks for the reviews!
Wait, I'm stupid, and it's impossible to edit or delete reviews. Of course! This fic is completed! Please ignore my annoying 'please update' at the end of the previous review.
Author's Response: No, no, you were quite right the first time, my friend. This story is not complete... far from it, in fact. I have definitely taken your \"please update\" into account, and have started working on chapter three. So, fear not. There will be plenty more to read if I can just wrap my writing around it a little more.
This is hysterical! I almost choked to death laughing... although nearly everything was hilarious, some of my favourite parts were the Author's Note (I knew when I read them that the story would rock some socks), the bits with Dudley (*cough* Dumpy), Mindless Drudges United, and the candy cart. (The beef and cheese ice cream made me snort.)
I'm so glad that this book was published, and I may have to buy it. The tone of your writing reminds me of "A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (this, by the way, is one of the highest compliments I can give.)
Spamtastic job!
Mixed emotions come with this chapter. A 'HUZZAH!" for an update... and a 'NOOOO!' for Connor's death. Awww, now I see what you meant about my liking him only leading to heartbreak.
I like the idea of Peter discovering that Remus is a werewolf on his own and not making a big to-do about it. It did seem a little bit, shall we say, sudden (I kind of would have liked to see Bridget and such's reaction to finding out their meek little friend is a werewolf), but I'm guessing that's coming later. I like your Sirius, he's perfect. Even as an eleven-year-old, he has that sort of moodiness about him that really makes him Sirius.
Well, I can't wait for your next chapter!
Author's Response: Thank you! I really worked hard on Sirius and Bridget in these few first chapters, I really want to get their characters just right so that later on it isn\'t as big as a shock when you see them all grown up!
I knew this story had to be interesting when I saw how many dreams you had about this story.
I love the interactions in the Potter family, and it's so cute how Sirius is like a brother to James. I do thinks it's a little bit odd that James should thoughtlessly order a house elf to 'clean his room,' but then again, this was far before Hermione's time!
I loved our introduction to Lily. Electro-shock therapy? And magic affecting her hair? I can tell this is going to be a very interesting Lily.
Sirius is hysterical. I like the part where he's talking about all the stuff he did like throwing darts, locking his brother in a cabinet, and all that with a totally casual and unaffected air.
Wait, so Lily knows all about magic, even though this is her first year? Hmmm... that's interesting...
Well I can't wait to read more! I'm clicking the 'next' button....
Author's Response: Schmergo? Reviewed my story? *faints* Yep, Lily knows about magic. We\'ll find out why in later chapters though! Thanks for the review!
I really like this chapter.
"Resident tofu slinger," huh? I'm guessing there's more to Bridget than meets the eye!
"YOU LIVE ON LAND!" For some reason, I found that vastly humorous. The whole debate between Sirius and Peter... it's funny, because my friend and I had a very similar conversation the other day about whether pterodactyls are dinosaurs. (They're not, darnit!)
Now, I'm a little cornfoozed by the fact that Marie called Bridget 'chubby' and the dudes called her a skinny little grasshopper. I'm guessing Marie was just being mean?
By the way, I still love how loyal James and Sirius are to each other. “He’s Sirius Black. That means he’s a best friend, psychic, and therapist, all in one.” Man, I want to buy one! (It slices. It dices. And it explodes and wrecks your kitchen and your portrait of Uncle Cygnus.)
I think it's cool that you made Peter so knowledgeable about the stock market. I've seen so many stories where he's an idiotic buffoon with no real interests or talents.
You're so good at writing the Marauders! "I'm too handsome to die..." now I know that when I see the OotP film and Sirius is falling through the veil, I'm going to call that out in the theatre and possibly get kicked out. And then I'll blame you! ^_^ No, I'm kidding.
Did you use some of your friends' names for the sorting? I'm just guessing.
I find it a little odd that Remus said "Doesn't look like he'll last long" about Clive, seeing as he's somewhat sickly himself, but that's okay. It's creative license!
“More like she can’t find her way out with a map, compass and three neon signs saying, “THIS WAY”. Very vivid mental image there.
I'm guessing there's more to Clive... I don't think we're supposed to like him, but I do!
I think some of-- okay, most of-- the characters act a little older than eleven (when you think about it, that's really young), but it makes the story interesting. My only real criticism is that you have a few Americanisms in there, like saying 'bangs' for what Brits call 'fringe,' but that's really minor, and I'm guilty of the same.
I really like this story (and the title is making me curious about what it has to do with the story)!
Author's Response: Unfortunately, liking Clive is only going to lead to heartbreak. *sad because she knows what happens next*
Author's Response: Lol all my conversations with my friends almost always end up like that. But no I didn\'t use their names for the sorting... as for Marie, she\'s not going to be your typical brat; she\'s just mad and was lashing out at Bridget for t the whole stockmarket rea
The joke at the beginning was SOOO funny! I've never heard it before. But there is one teeny tiny typo-- you said 1964 one time, then you said 1954 in the next line.
Clive is still my favourite character, which he probably shouldn't be. I just find him terribly interesting. His mum, too. She seems... fake-ish.
"Severus had been the brunt of many of Black and Potter’s cruel jokes. Unfortunately, he had deserved them." Hmm, we haven't seen him do much yet in this story but be ugly! I wonder what he's going to do in the future?
I like the prank! Ewww, gum.
Author's Response: Severus is going to get interesting, soon! I just him to just stay where he is right now so that I can get everyone eles wrapped up first! lol yep, I had a fun time writing Clive\'s mum mostly because it was ridculously easy. She\'ll be back in later chapters with a more realistic side though!
This is hilarious! My favourite part is the third verse where he talks about how he got shampoo in Snape's hair and put ants in Filch's pants, etc. Believe it or not, I've been going around singing this song all day!
Author's Response: Oh boy, now everyone\'s going to think your crazy or do they already? :)
I like that verse too, but I lean more toward the fire Umbridge chant, but that\'s also probably a side effect of having done my Gauntlet on her, and me rejoicing in the fact I can pick on her again. Thanks for reviewing!
I thought this was cute and funny, especially the first two lines and the last verse (and I'm a huge fan of Voldemort); however, I think the rhyme scheme is a bit off, since it's supposed to be a song, you know? Then again, if you were going for blank verse (rhythm but no rhyme), that's cool, too! William Shakespeare wrote in blank verse, after all!
Author's Response: Pleased you liked it, thanks for reviewing! I\'m horrid at rhyming, so I just decided to stick with how \'Frosty the Snowman\' flows and not rhyme the song.
Ooh! Although I love all of your other stories, for some reason, I never got around to reading any of your Janey Weasley ones until now. That was pretty stupid of me, because this is great.
I like the way you include exposition sneakily, like through dialouge and brief aside comments.
For some reason, I laughed at the part that said 'we keep because, like, Fudge having a seizure was apparently the funniest thing to happen to this school, ever!' It's kind of cool that Voldemort is now referred to as 'Tom Riddle.'
And then I got to the short bits of dialouge and just EXPLODED with laughter. Do you have a seafood fixation? ('Squid in hand,' 'this one fish.')
Ron's letter was funny, but it seemed almost too... formal for Ron. Maybe Hermione was dictating it, haha.
I love your characterization of Fred and George; it's absolutely perfect. Some people never grow up! The bit about global warning just made me snort. Just like the Weasley twins!
I'm guessing Janey turned absolutely everyone's hair blue? Don't telly me! Well, anyway, off to read more Janey Weasley stories!
Author's Response: Hooray! Welcome to the ride of your life! So glad you have decided to delve into the world of Janey, because a lot of fun is to be had over here. And I never realised that seafood fixation before ... maybe it\'s subconscious. I have to give credit where it was due, however: The line about Fudge having a seizure was from my good friend Twizzle_loves_Lupin\'s mind, not mine. I just couldn\'t not use it. As for turning everyone\'s hair blue ... it\'s a nice I idea. I couldn\'t tell you what she did, because I don\'t even know for sure myself. Thanks for decided to read about Janey!
This is absolutely beautiful and sad at once. I especially like the last stanza. It's also refreshing how you put a somewhat religious spin on it, since so many people say that they won't read
Harry Potter because it's anti-religion.
(I'm Christian myself...)
Somehow your poem manages to make his death seem like more of a positive thing than a negative thing, which is rather nice. It's not the kind of poem that leaves you depressed. I hope to see more from you, soon!
Author's Response: Really? Thank you VERY much...I was trying to inccorperate a feeling of accepetance, positivity, and even neccessity in Harry\'s death (I have always thought Harry to be a Horcrux which Voldemort made unintentionally before during his death...hence thier wierd connection and similarities) As for the religion part, I feel that it is neccessary to believe in something, especially someone (like Harry) who has lost everything...even though I\'m not a big Jesus person myself, it seemed key to the poem. As for the last stanza, I really tried putting my whole heart and soul in that bit...Harry lossing his sanity and life to save those of others and humanity...Thanks a ton for R&R-ing! *huggies*
~The Taintied One
Author's Response: P.S. I really hope to be getting more up soon, so keep a look out!
Haha... that's so funny. I especially like the notes at the end. Dude, it would be so cool if in Book 7, Harry went, 'die, you plum, die!' My favourite part of the poem is the part that goes, "He’d turned to the bad side,
Old Voldie I say,
His brain is mouldy and,
His heart is grey.
He’s got ugly little eyes,
And an icky snake nose,
White skin,
And smelly toes."
Cheers!
Author's Response: Thanks.
If he\'d wanted a decent snake nose he should\'ve cioid mine :)
Anyway thank you for reviewing!
Author's Response: Sorry, i meant COPIED. I can\'t spell today!
Awww... that's sweet. I can just see that sort of internal struggle Hermione has about falling for this boy and not wanting to show it so blatantly when he's one of her best friends. I especially like the first stanza! Keep writing!
Author's Response: Hey Schmergo! Thanks! I think I know why your reviewing.....*giggles* ♥ Gin
*Response to the Author's Response From My Previous Review*
Of course I remember you, you silly! That's why I waved insanely at you. I'm so flattered that you liked my story so much!
Author's Response: Erm, I meant to say more last time... but I was having computer problems and now I don\'t remember what it WAS.. sorry.
Wow, that's amazing! *Waves insanely at Hpwizzard* This is such a funny story, and I absolutely love the Marauders. Sirius is hilarious as always, and I adore your characterization of Peter. Some people completely leave him out of stories or give him no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
"I’ll be rescued from the clutches of certain doom by a beautiful girl on a hippogriff and ride off into the sunset." Well, I don't know if Hermione counts as a beautiful girl, but it's still very funny!
I liked Peter's line, "The fans will love it," and the very end of the story, and the inclusion of Sybill Trelawney was inspired. WRITE MORE FICS, PLEASE! Or else I'll, er, impale you...
Author's Response: I am going to try ONE MORE TIME to respond... in small bites. If this doesn\'t work, I give up.
Author's Response: Okay. Thank you, MNFF! On with the response.
Hi! *waves back insanely* *has a stupid penname and prefers to be called Quinn* * is slightly starstruck* D\'you remember me from \"The Dark lord\'s Blog\"? I\'m the one with the Volde-mart question, and you are one of my favorite fanfic authors.
WOW. That's deep... *pulls head out of sand* Ahh, that's better.
Now, I must confess, I am a massive fan of "Cats," both the book and the musical and do, in fact, have an enormous poster of the Jacob Brent version of Mr. Mistoffelees on my bedroom wall. This is the first "Practical Cats" inspired fic I've ever seen. Parts of it also reminded me of Dr. Seuss... in a good way!
My favourite part was the second-to-last verse. If you changed a few words like 'Grindelwald' and 'Fudge,' you could probably submit it to a newspaper or magazine. Fantastic job, as always!
Author's Response:
... Gosh, it must be so difficult to get one\'s head literally into the sand. *Vows never to try that*
Now, I must confess - I\'ve never seen Cats. Really, ever. I am, however, a great fan of Dr. Seuss, so that aspect is just lovely to think of. I\'m also a fan of Mel Brooks, but that fact is utterly irrelevant.
^^ It would be really funny if this ended up in a newspaper. I have this image of a stuck up lady going, \'oh, golly!\'
...
My goodness, I\'m a moron. Anyway, thank you as usual Schmergo! *love*
Wow, that's fantastic! I'm actually singing it aloud as we speak.... er, type. I love "The First Noel," especially the Josh Groban version. The only thing that bothers me is where it goes, "So no Mary or Joseph, nor Three Wise Men Kings
No insane old King Herods out to kill everything
And no shepherds and mangers but instead
A crazy Dark Lord who’s kills everything."
IWhy don't you say: "A crazy Dark Lord who kills everyone dead?" Like, how hillbillies say, "That man killed my husband dead!"
I especially love the second verse. Malfoy's best bling... Keep writing! This is funny.
Author's Response: lol thanks! I like the new version of that... *scurries back to change it* thanks for the review!
Author's Response: Dang it, forgot the queue was closed...
Heehee, that's cute! For some reason, I was laughing as I read this, imagining Ron actually dancing around singing this, making it up as he went along, wearing a maroon sweater and a Santa Claus hat, and then Hermione walking into the room, stopping in her tracks, and staring. ^_^
The part about "A piece of gum is so bubbly," is the part that really made me imagine Ron singing it. Loudly. And REALLY off-key.
Oh, and I think it's cute that he wants a chocolate frog so he can ask people if they want some. Although it's just a little throw-in, it reminds me of how Ron doesn't like to be poor and wishes he had money to share HIS sweets like Harry on the train in the first book.
Author's Response: Hi again! Your review made me laugh. Thanks! ♥ Gin
Fwahahaha. Dude. I love this. It's a different format, and yet it really works perfectly. Hermione's howler was fantastic.But even better?
FRED AND GEORGE'S LETTERS. It was brilliant! I was just cracking up!! "They’re beginning to smell like that time we charmed the plumbing to spurt mud every time Percy wanted to refresh himself." You have those two down perfectly. And like Janey, their letters made me snort in a most unladylike manner.
Haha. Nuns. I actually had to think about that one.
How does one burn down the dungeons, seeing as they're below ground? I mean, I'm pretty sure she was kididng, but I'm thinking hard about this. IF the dungeons burned down, wouldn't the rest of the castle collapse as well?
I can't wait to read the other stories!
Author's Response: Well, I guess we\'ll never know about that whole dungeons thing ... Maybe they just rebuilt the castle from scratch. Or ... maybe not. I loved writing Fred and George\'s letters, it was SO MUCH FUN. I love those guys, and they had better appear in Deathly Hallows. Of course, I\'ll love it anyway, but ... icing on the cake? Anyway, thanks for the review! Glad you like Janey!
Aww! That's so adorable! It's the kind of story that makes you feel good inside just from reading it.
I can't imagine Hermione selling all of her books! As a book-lover, that would be the ultimate in torture... which really shows how much she values her relationship with Ron. She loves him more than ALL of her books put together. That's so sweet!
I absolutely ADORE your characterization of Ron. So many stories make him out to be completely stupid (especially in Humour) or else completely perfect (especially in Romance), but your Ron is a real person, with flaws and positive traits, and I like the way that you took the Ron that we all know from the books and matured him a little bit. You did an excellent job of showing people's emotions in your writing, which means that the reader empathizes with the characters. Although the piece is short, it's memorable.
Wal-Tart, heehee... I have no idea why that made me laugh. I guess it reminded me of Volde-Mart.
The last sentence was absolutely beautiful! Great job!
After reading your marvelous review of "To Be Or Nott to Be," I just had to check out your work, and I'm glad I did!
Author's Response: Aw! Thanks so much Schmergo! I loved reviewing your story! \'Twas amazing! I\'m glad that you liked my characterization of Ron. He was fun to write, as was Hermione. Thanks for your review! It made me smile! :) ~Lindsey :)