Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.
Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.
My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.
The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.
My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!
As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.
You're welcome.
A WONDERFUL SONG ABOUT TYRONE THOMAS
Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
SCHMERGO:
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!
ALL:
No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone
EMMA:
When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!
SCHMERGO:
For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�
ALL:
No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�
ALL:
My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�
EMMA:
Well, except for Wolfgang!
ALL:
No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.
SCHMERGO:
For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�
TYRONE:
Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.
ALL:
No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!
ALL:
Probably scared of Tyrone!
TYRONE:
When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!
ALL:
No one flirts like Tyrone!
EMMA:
Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!
ALL:
MY WHAT A GUY� TYRONE!
OH MY GOSH! This is fantastic! I am madly in love with this story... Your characterization and writing style are brilliant, and, of course, any humour story including Death Eaters and Voldemort can make me happy.
When you included the Enormous Blonde Death Eater who likes to Avada Kedavra everything in the sixth book, I knew that this fic would be something great!
I like the way you kept true to the characters of but caricatured Lucius (especially him), Crabbe, Goyle, Bella, Snape, Peter, and Voldemort.
I shall now list things that made me giggle: Bellatrix flirting with Snape (WHILE her husband is in the room, no less!), the "Fruit of the Month" club, Wormtail coming up with the idea of the caracal (which by the way is one of my favourite animals!)
On a slightly more serious note, I loved the part explaining why Voldemort loved gifts. It added depth to his character and made him almost easy to relate to. The way that he's good with animals was also a nice addition.
I also have a suggestion. I think you should say "Abercrombie and Witch" instead of "Abercrombie and Fitch." You know, just a lame little pun there.
All in all, amazing story, and I'm favouriting it as we speak.... er, type...
Author's Response: How luciously kind of you (hee.. almost a pun)! I\'m delighted you enjoyed this bit of holiday fruitcake!
starmom
That's a really great story! It makes Tobias out to be a bad husband, but not a complete monster. I really liked your version of Eileen. 'Meghan' seems an odd middle name to give her, though-- since this took place in the fifties or sixties, and Meghan's a bit more modern.... still, that's an incredibly tiny nitpick.
For some reason, my favourite part was when Tobias was singing, "do you smell what I hear?" ^_^
Author's Response: Yes, Meghan is probably an odd middle name for her, I chose it purely because I had used it for her *a very long time ago* in another story (not on MNFF) and didn\'t want to spend hours picking another. :) Thanks for reviewing, I\'m glad you liked the way the characters were portrayed (and Tobias\' caroling ;) !
That's so good! I just sang the real version in church for a solo, so I was surprised and delighted to see this. The rhythm on the part with "The scar will burn, the villains will fear" is rather off, though-- you can't really sing the song to those words. I especially like the end, though.
Author's Response: Thanks, Schmerg! I\'ll have to fix it later. If it doesn\'t fit, that can\'t be good as it\'s in a contest. *eek* Thanks, though!
WOW! That is really amazing, and incredibly sweet. There aren't enough Deanfics out there, and for such an interesting character (artistic, has an unusual past, Ginny's ex, tried to keep the peace when Seamus was fighting with Harry), you don't really see much of him, even in the books.
I liked the way he reacted to Santa at the beginning of the story, and the Parvati/Dean ship was nice, because that's one of my ships as well.
This is very good characterization of Dean... and of Father Christmas as well! This was a very creative story, and I can't help but wonder what were in the other two drawers.
Author's Response: Shmergo likes me stories, shmergo likes my stories... *dances* Awesomeness. I\'ve been interested in Dean ever since I was placed as him for a minor character quiz (I\'m artsy and nice, apparently) and it seemed to work. The Parvati thing just came to me! The other lessons are.... things to be saved for one shots! *evil laugh* If I do a one shot with Santa again, I\'ll let you know. Thanks for the review!
Bookwormy! What a lovely surprise! This is quite an original and funny story, and I like the way that the name of the spell is the same as the shampoo that my mum uses. (Sorry, I'm random!)
Oh, gosh. Your versions of the Marauders are ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT. My sides were splitting! How do you do it? "Which one of us is Wormtail?"
Your version of Remus was fantastic as well. I like the idea that he's aware of the fact that he's a dork and has accepted and embraced it. I can totally see him as that kind of guy.
Well, this is a good story, and I cannot wait to see how Ron's turn goes, being a big fan of his!
Author's Response:
OMG Schmergo!!! It\'s me who should be saying \"what a lovely surprise\"!!! I\'m glad you like my fic...and dont worry, the name of the spell is actually inspired from my mum\'s nailpaint\'s company...ah it\'s copyright! I think I\'m in trouble lol.
I dunno how I\'m able to do the marauder-bit. Maybe I\'ve been soo much into Harry Potter, that they\'ve become a part of my life and so it\'s easy to write about someone you know so well! The wormtail bit is just a result of my hatred of him..grr...
The Remus-part. Hmm...he\'s a bit obsessed with studies and he knows that. I\'ve made the maraduers completely true to their habits, like remus-study obsessed, padfoot-girl obsessed n so on..
I\'m happy you liked my work. Just imagine!!!! Schmerg_The_Impaler!! the gr8est fan fic author in my opinion! Such an honour to be reviewed by you ^_^
Ohhhhh, Ron is so cute in this chapter. The part about Sirius giving him relationship advice gave me that nice tingly, fuzzy feeling... you know the one I mean, the one you get from eating cats. (I'm sorry, that was out of order.)
Oh boy, that was superlatively adorable. I can't even describe how squeeful it made me feel. I mean, it was awesome enough having Ron and Hermione get together in such a sweet way, but then you throw in a sentence like: "let's say they had seen Voldemort. In a bikini. Bright pink. Posing like a supermodel." Wow, you're good.
Sirius is great in this chapter, by the way. Thought I should add in that bit. Wormtail... oh gosh, he's hopeless. "Oh yeah? We thought you were a particularly foul blast-ended skrewt,"
I can't wait to see the part with Harry! Keep writing!
Author's Response:
Yay! I\'m gald you like Ron as I\'ve made him. Cute n innocent. That\'s how I like him, too. Instead of eating lavender\'s face! aargh..how gross *shivers*
Cool...I\'ve always known that you like Voldy being made fun of, so yeah, It wasn\'t unexpected that you liked thta voldy-in-bikini bit!!!
Thanks a million for the gr8 reviews! My summer hols are coming up so you can expect more reviews
Author's Response: uh, I mean updates not reviews!
Awww, that is so adorable! You really write Luna well... there aren't many fanfiction authors who can characterize Luna so that she's just like in the books, but your name definitely belongs on those short lists.
This story's almost enough to make me believe in Santa Claus again!
Author's Response: Yay! I was afraid I screwed up Luna\'s characterization. Thanks for reviewing! :]
HAHAHAHAHAHA! This is amazing! I love stories about Voldemort, and this one definitely does him justice. You have a wonderful sense of humour, and my favourite parts were your description of Mermish (agonized constipated cattle and fifty musical saws), Voldemort's wimpiness, "Accio Nagini," and the train schedule. I cannot wait for more!
Author's Response: Is this....is this....Schmreg_the_Impaler of the \'Dark Lord\'s Blog\' fame??!!
I\'m honoured beyond words!!!
*bows low*
Resmond Worque?!?! I laughed out loud at that. And the disgusting pun on the word 'rectified' was hilarious, too.
I also loved Ollivander, Platform Pi, and (of course) the Pink Power Ranger. You're hysterical! I'm so sorry that I couldn't beta this chapter... I am in love with this story, though.
Author's Response: Oh no, please don\'t blame yourself! Blame it onmy impatience and our inconvinient time zones. Anyway, whatever be the case, really thanks for your review.
Keep reading!
I almost forgot how much I love this story. I would love to watch "Ron's Fun Corner!" And the whole deal with Trelawney and Tonks was hysterical! ("'Pariah' is my middle name!") Really, this is great! The Wagga- Wagga werewolf song is great, and the Love potion made me giggle considerably.
This is a great chapter. You're very funny and creative!
Author's Response: Thanks Shmerg...it\'s so great to see you\'ve made a \"reader comeback\", I missed your reviews!
"PS: I don't want a wedding gift - Bill Weasley.
PS2: But I defineetly does! - Fleur Delacour."
That made me laugh, especially since "PS2" made me think of Play Station 2. And I also really liked "Bill's grown new canine teeth," "Bob Baldysort" and Ron's exclamation of "Hey mate, prat, git, chum!" Your version of Ron in this story is great, very funny.
I also laughed out loud at the "Four-Legged Tap-dance."
Moody and Figgy make a great couple, in my opinion. ^_^
Author's Response: That Moody-Figg ship was so random, it just struck me then and there...so great that you liked it..Keep reading!!
Oh dear! This should be interesting! I like your not-totally-pathetic Peter (yay, he's actually funny and not repulsive!), although I do sort of wish that we could see more of Lily's sense of humour... she's a very fun character, and in a lot of fics, she's portrayed as the angry, straight-laced one. Still, I cannot wait to read more!
Author's Response: I\'m glad you like it! I hate it in fics when Peter is dorky and stupid. He was a marauder for a reason. More of a funny Lily, got it. Thank you!
Aw, James is so sweet! I love the way you got into Lily's head like that, and the wild llama was hysterical. I'm thinking of getting my friends to play "Truth, Dare, Or Double Dare" as well!
Author's Response: I know. I loved writing that sweet side of James. I also enjoyed characterizing Lily in her head. Thank you for all of the compliments!!!
It is incredibly confusing that there's an Anna and an Ana! But that's okay, it's probably just my poor, sad little mind playing tricks on me. I love McGonagall in this chapter-- for some reason, her serious-ness is hysteical-- and the llama cracked me up. I literally laughed out loud!
Can't wait for more!
Author's Response: I\'m incredibly sorry about the Anna, Ana thing. I guess I\'ve gotten so used to it over the years, I underestimated how confusing it can be. :p I\'m glad you laughed!
By the way, I would be ecstatic if you could have someone ask me (Schmergo, Hufflepuff, fluffy hair) a truth, a really stupid truth with a bizarre answer. Like, "What scares you the most?" and the answer would be something like, "realtors' or 'giraffes' or 'pineapples' or 'platypuses' or something. It would be great if you could think up a rational explanation for my bizarre answer!
Author's Response: Okay. That is a very specific requeset. I look forward to incorperating it into my story!
AHAHAHA! I love it! It's funny, but not silly, and as a humongous fan of Remus, I found it quite amusing.
I think that if Sirius had Snape-y hair, though, he would hide in his dorm and pretend to be sick until he could discover an antidote.
I'm so glad that there's finally an excuse for Movie!Lupin's horrible moustache. I'll just think about this story every time I see him onscreen in OotP.
Author's Response: I\'m a humongous fan of Remus myself, and I\'m glad you liked it!
I thought about that response, with Sirius, but then again, I also thought he, as a prankster, would recognize when he\'d been beaten, and wouldn\'t be afraid to admit it ...because, everyone knew there would be revange! *laughs*
And, if I can somehow make THE horrible mustache make some kind of sense, then I\'m satisfied. :D
Awww.... wow, that was great. You really interpreted Ron's character well. (And he's my favourite, so I absolutely adore well-characterized Ron fics.) The only teeny bit of criticism I have is that you said "sometimes you're opinion doesn't matter" when it should be 'your,' but that's just a small thing. I'm alway making stupid typos! I can just see Ron writing/saying this, and I especially liked the rather philosophical stanza about living in other people's shadows being right next to the final rather informally worded verse. Good stuff.
Author's Response: did i write that? seriously? what a stuid mistake!..i probably wont corect it forever, im so lazy, but thanks for telling me! Its so cool that Shmerg is commenting me! ur sooo funny and i love ur voldy stories!!! :-)
I still love this poem. It is truly epic, and reads a lot like Dr. Seuss.
Hmmmm, I've always been a Helga/Salazar-er (I like the idea of the house known for loyalty being paired with the house known for, well, you know...) but this still worked perfectly.
Salazar's style of speech in this story suits him perfectly. I can really hear his voice in my head when I read his lines. I'm not sure how that's possible, and I'm beginning to worry about that now. But let's not dwell on that, shall we?
With a single touch he teaches her of colors, and life seems fresh and new in a vibrant world that is still young.
I think it's so interesting that the tragic heroine of this story is the one known for wisdom and logic, and yet she's still so innocent and truly naive about love at the beginning of the story. Very interesting characterization there.
This is the darkest, most powerful, and most emotional story you've written. I did not expect the ending to occur like it did. And, you know, you did a very good job of depicting Rowena's love for this man. Because although I know he's evil and I shouldn't like him, I do. Your characterization of Salazar is the most intriguing I've seen so far.
You're definitely one of the most talented authors on MNFF. You like Shakespeare, don't you? I know that your story about Alice Longbottom borrowed from Hamlet (my favourite Shakespeare play!), and the tone and plot of this story seems to scream "Shakespearean tragedy!" Maybe it's the time period that does it.
But this story is beautiful in a dark and frightening way. Like Salazar's eyes.
Author's Response: I was rather surprised by how dark this story turned out, even though the ending was one of the first things I figured out. Thank you for all your compliments - yes, I am a big Shakespeare fan - and for the lovely review.
Oh, wow, I really like it... this is so interesting. Maybe Dumbledore was wrong about Voldemort having NEVER loved... maybe he LOST the ability to love. (That is my theory, but then, I ship Voldy/Minerva.) This is very good. Some writers (*waves*) have trouble keeping a steady rhyme scheme, but this is very ballad-y.
I must point out that I read your author profile and 'squee'd a little. The Monty Python reference at the beginning was awesome-- and YOU'VE READ PERCY JACKSON AND THE OLYMPIANS! I love those books so much. My favourite character is Grover, because he's adorable and geeky and reminds me of a more sensitive Ron. And you ship Klaus/Isadora? I suppose that makes sense, seeing as Fiona turned her alliance to the dark side... but then, I've never really thought about shipping Klaus. I really like him, though.
Author's Response: Wow, thanks! And I dunno, I just think of Tom Riddle being more sensitive than Voldemort...No idea why. You think it\'s ballad-y? =)
I love Monty Python! *dances* Wow, someone else who\'s read Percy Jackson!!! *dances more* I do like Grover. Go Goat Boy! sorry...And Klaus is one of my favorite characters, so...=)
Well, thanks for reviewing!~H_o_I_