Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.
Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.
My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.
The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.
My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!
As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.
You're welcome.
A WONDERFUL SONG ABOUT TYRONE THOMAS
Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
SCHMERGO:
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!
ALL:
No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone
EMMA:
When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!
SCHMERGO:
For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�
ALL:
No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�
ALL:
My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�
EMMA:
Well, except for Wolfgang!
ALL:
No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.
SCHMERGO:
For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�
TYRONE:
Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.
ALL:
No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!
ALL:
Probably scared of Tyrone!
TYRONE:
When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!
ALL:
No one flirts like Tyrone!
EMMA:
Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!
ALL:
MY WHAT A GUY� TYRONE!
Deep and powerful stuff here... I can't even begin to comprehend how it would feel to look back at someone you used to know and even love and see them transformed into an evil and inhuman monster. Although I liked the slight inclusion of humour:
"After I shattered his heart,
And sewed to new,
He did the same,
But forgot number two."
Author's Response: Thanks (again) for reviewing! *shudders* That would be kind of (very) horrid...*shudders again* And that would probably have to be my favorite little group in the whole poem...~H_o_I_
Awww... it's so sad seeing Fenrir as an adorable little boy. I've always wound Fenrir an extremely intriguing character-- I love werewolves, and I am a fan of Death Eater fics, and it was an interesting idea to get into this dude's head. I can't wait for more!
Author's Response: Once again, thanks so much for your great review! I love werewolves too--I was going to write a story on Remus, then it occur[r]ed (hehe, not sure how many \"r\"\'s) to me to write about Fenrir. I\'ve been interested in him ever since he was first introduced, and especially after seeing so many people speak poorly of him in fanfics.
Thanks again for your great review! =D
Oh, wow-- you're really an excellent writer. You've portrayed Luna to a tee (she's a difficult character to write, and one of my favourites), and I like the voice in your writing style and your characterization of Barmy. I will definitely be following this story! I especially liked the part about Barmy's pride in his large, hairy ears.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the nice review! =D))) It means so much, especially coming from such a great and well-respected author. =) I had soo much fun creating Barmy... And of course his hairy ears. I\'m really glad you enjoyed my story-- cheers!
I love Luna in your story. She's so sweet and innocent and perfectly in character. The part where she was sweet-talking to the pear made me smile. I do have one minor nit-pick, though. Didn't you mean that she perched a pair of round glasses on Barmy's long NOSE, not long ROBES? Well, in any case, keep writing. I can't wait for more!
Author's Response: Hey Schmergo! XD
I\'m so glad you like Luna--the sweet-talking pear bit was my favorite part to write. ;) Hmm... I distinctly remember Luna perching the glasses on Barmy\'s nose, so thanks for pointint that out! =P Thank you so much for your kind reveiw--I really appreciate it! Cheers, Fenn
This is amazing, truly amazing. It's not often that I (probably the biggest Theodore Nott fan on the planet) come across a Nott fic. This is a far different portrayal of him than I have ever seen-- because he's highly intelligent and a bit of a loner, I always imagined him to be truly disdainful and disrespectful toward his father. Your idea of making Theodore truly blind to how horrible his father is was very inspired. I like the idea of pairing Theo with a Muggle, as well-- I've done that, too, so it made me smile. In any case, I can't wait for more writing from you!
Author's Response: Wow, thanks so much! I\'m wasn\'t a fan before, but after writing this story and getting to know Theodore (my characterization of him, anyway) I fell in love.
Well, I thought maybe you would be hard pressed to find another interesting format in which to tell your Janey Weasley stories, but I was wrong, wrong, wrong! A story about Janey Weasley... from another person's point of view! My, you're good.
And it's interesting that Janey likes to conduct psychiatric and socialogical experiments.
Speaking of which, you seem to be a very keen observer, because I have a friend almost exactly like Annie.
"I was already contemplating suicide, and my respect for Janey’s sanity was growing rapidly."
Annie is hilarious. Man, I want an orange bumblebee necklace-- THAT would give me the hotness factor I've been looking for.
Oh dear, pie, rubber ducks, chimpanzees, and a heck of a lot of first years? I don't even want to know what that was about. And lemurs? (I must mention here that lemurs are among my favourite animals, and I squee a little when I see them mentioned.) You have a gift for randomness.
The ending was cute. It would be hilarious to see Janey come out in boils from Frankie's singing.
I don't normally like romantic stories, but I like this one. You put in just enough humour and realism, and I think you did a fantastic job!
Author's Response: Coming from the queen of randomness (I\'ve read Dark Lord\'s Blog) then that means a lot. THANKS!! I love these long reviews, I really do. I\'m afraid I know people like Annie, too, and it really is a lot of fun ... you\'ve gotta love \'em, really. Thanks again for the review, so much, it\'s always great to hear from you!
Awwww, so cute! Though your portrayal of George was a little Fred-like, and your Fred was a little George-like from what I've seen, they're so similar anyway that it doesn't really matter. I love the Fred/Angelina ship, and depicting Fred as being shy around a girl is adorable, seeing as he asked her out by yelling across a room in his sixth year! I especially liked it when Fred compared romance to a prank: that's so very much like the twins! Great job!
Dude! I had to read this because I'm a massive Beatlemaniac (there definitely aren't enough teenaged Beatlemaniacs out there-- my friends think I'm nuts), and anyone who can combine my Beatlemania and Pottermania is brilliant.
Well, you are. This was adorable, touching, and emotional, and your Remus was sweet, funny, lovely, and perfect. Keep writing!
Author's Response: There are NOT enough Beatlemaniacs. There just aren\'t. I completely agree. =) And thank you, I\'m glad you liked it!
I don\'t think I\'m brilliant, but it\'s nice to know that someone thinks I am!
My favourite is Ringo, too. ^_^
Oh, have you ever seen this? It's a Harry Potter/Beatles filkstravaganza! http://home.att.net/~coriolan/table6.htm
Anyway, I forgot to mention that I thought that it was interesting that Remus had already turned down Tonks by the time she got out of the hospital. For some reason, I'd always imagined it to happen much later.
Author's Response: Wow.
Just...I can\'t believe someone went through all the Beatles songs and did that. I started laughing out loud when I got to \"When I\'m Voldemort\" to \"When I\'m 64.\" It just...wow.
OH MY GOSH! Um... you win! At... life. Toenail polish! Mispronouncing 'psychiatrist' as 'nightdress'! Lord Fruitcake.! Barney! You have a gift, my friend. This is hilarious, and definitely going on my favourites.
Author's Response: OH MY GOSH x2!!!! Schmerg the Great and Awesome likes my fic!!! :P Yay! I\'m so happy you like it, Schmerg! *giggles* Hehe. Well. The second chapter is almost finished, and I\'ll have it up before March is over! So... thank you for the review!!!! :)
This is one of your funniest stories yet.
Oh I know this game! We call it Fannee Doollee.
All of your Marauders are great, and they avoid the stereotypes of so many Marauder fics. Your Remus and Sirius are just like two of my best friends in real life (one of whom honestly is convinced that he's a ninja) so I know that the interactions between them are shockingly realistic.
I like your Peter, too. He seems kind of bright. He strikes me as a fairly with-it kid who just happened not to be brilliant at dueling and who happens to be a bit gullible. The idea of him and Sirius wrestling is pretty cute.
The thing about ducks biting off fingers from Peter was some sneaky foreshadowing there. Is Sirius's bat named after Emmeline Vance, or is it a coinky-dink?
The part about all of the types of violence with double letters was great. And I love the fact that James really is clever, even if he acts like a moron. You need to have a quick mind to think of all of those double-lettered words.
This is so, so good. I had to read it to my brother. (He guessed what James liked just about the same time as Remus did, by the way.)
And I can just imagine McGonagall saying, “It sounds like Mr Black is being slowly tortured to death by Mr Potter!”
Author's Response: *cackles* Thank you! I\'m so glad you like my fics, because I adore yours, I think you\'re hilarious. Fannee Doollee, eh? That\'s a great name! I just call it ... um ... that game where you like things with double letters. I love writing interactions between the Marauders, because they remind me so much of my own friends ... so much fun! Sirius\'s bat isn\'t named after Emmeline Vance, I just wanted a girly name, so I flicked through my pocket sized book of first names. It\'s served me well ... without it, I would never have found Iola (from L.O.V.E, I don\'t know if you\'ve read that one or not). I hope your brother liked this too! I know mine did, but he\'s kind of bias. Thanks for reviewing, again! They\'re all so long, I love it!
This is excellent! A very creative comparison-- I never thought about it that way, splinching and breaking up. I thought it would be funny and silly, but it was actually quite thought--provoking! Keep writing!
Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I\'m glad you liked it!
CJ
The first two sentences set the story off with a bang, letting us know that this was definitely SIRIUS BLACK we're talking about here. This was very, very cute-- I adore the idea of Harry playing a prank on Sirius and I love James in this story. He's such a great father. (Can't you see Sirius as the stereotypical sleazy Uncle Albert or whatever character who always tries to get his nephew/friend's kid to do dangerous and stupid things?) I must admit, the ending was a 'prise.' I don't normally like Sirius fics, but this story was a great one-- a perfect characterization.
However, I was really shocked by the use of the 'f' word. I know you said there was colourful language, but I mean... that goes beyond colourful and into psychadelic neon eye-burning tie-dye territory. O_O
Still, that aside, great story!
Author's Response: Why, thank you Schmerg!! Yes, can\'t you see Sirius taking Harry for a ride on the motorbike and telling him \'Okay, now you steer for a while!\"
Psychedelic neon eye-burning tie-dye territory! Well, this WAS the late 70\'s you know! ;) Yeah... I think he\'d have a mouth on him.
Oh my gosh... you have the character of Luna down perfectly. Are you certain that you're not actually her? This is incredible. This is incredibly descriptive and dreamlike, and I think I drooled a little on the keyboard while reading this because I was so slackjawed the whole time.
Brilliant, brilliant piece of writing. Please, write more!
Author's Response: Thank you - I was really shooting for the dreamlike quality here, so I\'m glad it came across.
Awww! This is great. I think I've said this in another review, but you really use rhyme and rhythm well. I admit, I was kind of wondering where this was going, but then I got to the last stanza, and it was really surprising. I ADORE surprise endings.
Author's Response: Hey Schmergo! I\'m really glad you like my poem. =) This one just wrote itself, and the ending was actually a surprise for me! Thank you very much for your review!
Okay, this really made me laugh. I can just imagine this. The first two lines really set the tone well, and it reminded me a little of Dr. Seuss with its lyrical rhyme scheme. I thought the slimeball Percy line was great, by the way.
Now, I think Snape wouldn't call Harry his first name, at least, not at this point, and disdain is a noun, not a verb, but those are just minor things. Keep writing!
Author's Response: Oh my gosh! To get such a gr8 review, and from one of my favourite pple around here, too!! I am reallly glad that my poem made u laugh! I was quite unsure about the whole percy- thing, just included that 2 rhyme :p but it feels good to know it was liked! And Snape calling Harry by his first name..hmm...I think Snape is sooo desparate to come back tht he can fall to any exteme...lol...And OMG i never knew disdain was only a noun...wht\'s the verb then? *blushes* I\'ll change it somehow. These minor things matter a lot, I think, after all small droplets add to a vast expanse of ocean...anyways, thanks a lot, Schmergo, I really wanted you to review at least one of my stories :D Thanks!
Author's Response: Oh, and by the way, I\'m really excited for the sequel to Dark Lord\'s Blog. Waiting eagerly for it to come out!
Wow. Very, very good. Quite often, poems lose something when they're written in rhyme because authors struggle to find rhymes, but this was great, and the rhymes did not seem at all forced.
You seem to be one of those authors who can really do a great job of capturing the emotional aspect of being a werewolf. I love reading werewolf fics, so keep doing what you're doing!
Author's Response: *huggles Schmergo*
Thank you SO much for your sweet review--it really, really makes my day. I, too, am a huge werewolf fan. =) I\'m so pleased that you like my writing. Thank you sooo very much! ~Fenn
And wow, ANOTHER perspective. You just keep picking different story perspectives to keep us on our toes, don't you?
I loved the interview. Fred and George are excellent at being aggravating. They've really found their niche in life!
I still just adore Annie. I hope she has a recurring role!
And I think Fred and George should just stick with blue hair. They'd look quite good with it, actually. I was kind of hoping it wouldn't turn blue until the wedding, but ah, well...
Ahh, those good old 'hurt her and you’ll find yourself with no scalp” moments... have I mentioned that your Fred and George are the best-characterized I've ever seen?
Oh my gosh! I laughed so hard at Frankie's proposal. Only you could make a proposal so hysterical. Huzzah for spoonerisms!
Sooo adorable. David and Annie are actually a pretty good match, in my opinion. They're really cute together.
My name is Janey Weasley-Springs, and I’ll be your lovesick cliché today. I wish she would actually say that! That would be brilliant.
Molly reminds me of Mrs. Bennet from "Pride and Prejudice," which made me smile.
This is great! I'm about to read your last one.
Author's Response: Mrs Weasley is EXACTLY like Mrs Bennet! Ha! That made me smile too. And I\'m glad you think Annie and David go well together, because I agree ... that must be why I put them there. The best EVER Fred and George?? That\'s amazing! Thanks so much! I worry sometimes tat I don\'t do them justice. And as for keeping you on your toes? Well, you guessed it. That\'s my plan all along! Thanks for reviewing the Janey things, and I hope you enjoy the next one, too!
And wow, ANOTHER perspective. You just keep picking different story perspectives to keep us on our toes, don't you?
I loved the interview. Fred and George are excellent at being aggravating. They've really found their niche in life!
I still just adore Annie. I hope she has a recurring role!
And I think Fred and George should just stick with blue hair. They'd look quite good with it, actually. I was kind of hoping it wouldn't turn blue until the wedding, but ah, well...
Ahh, those good old 'hurt her and you’ll find yourself with no scalp” moments... have I mentioned that your Fred and George are the best-characterized I've ever seen?
Oh my gosh! I laughed so hard at Frankie's proposal. Only you could make a proposal so hysterical. Huzzah for spoonerisms!
Sooo adorable. David and Annie are actually a pretty good match, in my opinion. They're really cute together.
My name is Janey Weasley-Springs, and I’ll be your lovesick cliché today. I wish she would actually say that! That would be brilliant.
Molly reminds me of Mrs. Bennet from "Pride and Prejudice," which made me smile.
This is great! I'm about to read your last one.
Author's Response: Mrs Weasley is EXACTLY like Mrs Bennet! Ha! That made me smile too. And I\'m glad you think Annie and David go well together, because I agree ... that must be why I put them there. The best EVER Fred and George?? That\'s amazing! Thanks so much! I worry sometimes tat I don\'t do them justice. And as for keeping you on your toes? Well, you guessed it. That\'s my plan all along! Thanks for reviewing the Janey things, and I hope you enjoy the next one, too!
Oh... I saw you write a story from inside the mind of Luna and a story from inside the mind of Percy, but I thought you'd never be able to get inside Alice Longbottom's head.
Guess what. I was totally, utterly, and grievously mistaken. I feel like Elizabeth realizing that she was wrong about Mr. Darcy in "Pride and Prejudice." (Whoa, what's wrong with me, I typed 'Mr. Draco.' Eeee.)
You can really get a lot across in just a few words. This story's brief but it speaks volumes.
Another brilliant thing you've done is to use parentheses... and use them well! I could be the president of Parentheses Overusers Anonymous, and when I see a story that uses them properly without being irritating or distracting, I get both giddy and jealous.
You shift focus between Alice and Neville, but the story still flows beautiful, still has perfect continuity. The part where Neville found violets in the yard brought tears to my eyes.
You have a great, great gift, and if you had published a book, I would buy it in a heartbeat.