I'm Jan, I live in the North of England with my lovely family. I spend my spare time reading and writing. And then any other spare time I spend online! I was a moderator here at MNFF and have been known to beta read occasionally!. Currently loving the new FB franchise and loving Hamilton!
I have one novel-length fic up (The Daughter of Light) and am currently working on its sequel, The Severed Souls. It wasn't supposed to be about my OC and Snape, but they ended up taking over! I've also got a few one-shots up and copious amounts of poetry.
Alan. You are not lost. You live on in our words.
An interesting start mainly because you have a really nice writing style. The story flowed well and I liked your descriptive passages, informative without being too long. Harry is nicely in character even if Dudley is being suspiciously nice and there were some good humourous touches. Looking forward to the next chapter and to finding out just what Draco is doing wandering around leafy Surrey. There were a few minor typos, like home for house and mom for mum (sorry, I'm a Britpicking beta, I can't help myself LOL) but overall it was an excellent start.
Overall you definately get an 'O' for this chapter! First chapters can slide towards the, dare I say it, dull, because of the amount of filling in you have to do but you managed this very well. A good balance between action, description and backstory that didn't feel at all slow. Your depiction of the mind numbing pettiness of suburbia was perfect and highlighted, for me, your excellent powers of description and detail. The description of the friday evening just took me there, I could feel that warm breeze and the whole atmosphere of a lazy, balmy summer night. There are one or two minor issues. I think the problem with the first sentence is the use of like and the fact you didn't qualify it within the same sentence... grammatically this is incorrect but could be put right with a little shuffling of the punctuation. Also you used large twice in very short succesion when describing Mr Dursley, a description which was startlingly accurate and I loved the comparison between their necks... very clever. Also just before you list them I think you have a 'the' instead of a 'three'. Should I perhaps just PM you this stuff? It feels like it may be cluttering up the review. Anyway one more thing I caught was 'travelling the roadways' which would be 'walking the streets' in British English. I enjoyed your portrayal of the relationship between Mrs Figg and Harry and those biscuits made me smile... poor Harry. Harry's results were well thought out apart from perhaps that naughty 'O' in Potions but we'll forgive you that, after all without Snape snapping at him every two seconds who knows what Harry is capable of in Potions. But I can definately see why he failed History of Magic! So yes, it's really good and I'm looking forward to the next chapter and seeing where you take this story.
Author's Response: Thank you! This was a perfect review---I almost floated away when I saw it. Compliments mean much more to me when they are balanced with con-crit, as I know they are truly meant. I will make the changes you suggested tonight. Don’t worry about ‘cluttering up the review board’--if people see reviews of this nature, it will make them more comfortable leaving their own in depth reviews.
This is a nice introduction to your story. Not too much back story but a good introduction to the trio and to your new witch. I liked the way you didn’t over-describe her, we are seeing her personality first rather than a long, physical description. Little details made this interesting, like her not wanting her parents at the station because they would fuss. That was nice and gave us an initial view of her that suggests shyness. Just watch for repetition, the same few words sometimes clump together in the same or consecutive sentences. It jars with the reader a little and is something that can easily be fixed. I liked the way you introduced the trio, through the train window and I loved Juliet’s indecision over Ron’s name… can you imagine Ron as Tom! LOL. You have created a good interplay between the existing characters and they are all nicely in character, the touch at the end about the Godfather was a good one and an excellent place to finish the chapter. It will be interesting to see how Juliet adjusts to life in a British school and what her connection is to Harry. Good start.
Author's Response: Ah yes, the back story. I'm never going to reveal it all at once, so keep on reading! LOL... I understand the repetition comment. My mind is on one track most of the time, and that includes vocabulary. Ron as Tom... I swear, that was purely unintentional. It wasn't until afterwards did I laugh about it. Thanks, Maeve, I love SPEW reviews! :)
I keep repeating this so often that it has become like a mantra…your Marauder’s characterisations continue to impress the heck out of me. These four guys in your fic ARE the Marauders! Nothing JK gives us in canon will ever change my opinion of them now. Covas is a marvellous creation, clearly clever and knowledgeable but do we like her? At the moment maybe not, and we do very much want to know if she knows about Remus after her little werewolf question. Everything is so precisely detailed and at the same time you bring in some profound notions for the characters to chew over. My favourite line has to be James inviting the werewolf for tea! It did so much to break the tension and show us that not even a fierce teacher can subdue his quick tongue. The horseplay between them was well done and gave Remus the opportunity to remember why he loves his friends. These guys don’t appear to be ready to let romance get in the way of their friendship... but I wonder what James would think if he knew what Remus felt? Can’t wait to get my hands on the next chapter… it’s bound to be a treat, they always are. I can’t offer any concrit because I’ve already given you that… and even then it wasn’t much! You’re a brilliant writer.
Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much! Both for you great review and your beta help. What would James think if he knew how Remus felt? Hmm, good question. I don't know if he ever would know, since Remus would never tell him. But if he did find out, I imagine he'd be in as tight a spot as Remus is now. I hadn't considered that part of it, but who knows what will come down the road many chapters from now? ;)
There are so many things to like about this chapter. Firstly Remus and his mother's desperate attempts to cure him. You can imagine the torment he has had to undergo and the chains.*shudder* I have a natural predisposition to defending Snape and in this scene I understand why. I liked the way you had Remus compare Sirius to the family he was fighting, hatred breeds hatred...be it from the Black family to Sirius or from Sirius to Severus. It's like a vicious circle and you bring that home in this chapter. Your writing is very good. Effortlessly producing atmosphere, setting and dialogue with very neat grammar. I noticed a few Brit-picky details, mainly the use of car for carriage. Train compartments are always referred to as carriages. If Briticisms are an issue for you I recommend you get a Brit-picker. That was the only thing I found to crit though, everything is is perfect. Looking forward to seeing where you take this.
Author's Response: Ah, Briticisms... I didn't pay as much attention as I should have. Thanks for picking out the "car" thing; I went back and changed those to carriage. Thanks so much for your great review, it means a lot to me!
I was so pleased to see Lily appear and act exactly as I have always imagined she would. The interplay between all the characters was as good as ever, including the way Sirius stepped in with his wild story that just made Lily even more annoyed with them. Peter's laugh and immediate stifling of it was another great little character piece. The line about Lily being sassy was loaded with Americanisms but it was so good that who cares! I especially liked Remus waking, alone, in the Shrieking Shack. His symptoms where almost hangover like but with sinister undertones. Another fabulous chapter that moves along at just the right pace and with a lot of attention to perfect characterisation.
Author's Response: Thanks so much for the lovely review! LOL, yeah I had a feeling the sassy line might be off, but it just stuck in my head for some reason.
Well, you already know what I think of this chapter but I had to drop by and leave a review for my favourite Marauder's story. As always you write what is, in my opinion, the definitive school Marauders. I think you've managed to capture their essence very well and kept to the spirit that Jo intended them to have. My favourite scene was, of course, Sirius relieveing himself on Bella. That was just so funny! And the joy that Remus felt when he realised that he would no longer be alone just leapt of the screen. You always manage to convey Remus with exactly the right amount of sorrow while keeping him completely normal in abnormal circumstances. The garden scene with Lily was great and inches us ever forward to the day that Lily may unbend slightly towards James. Loved it all... just don't leave us waiting so long for the next one!
Well the opener really had me smiling. Wonderful wordplay between the Marauders and perfect characterisation, but then I wouldn’t expect anything else from you after the previous chapters. Remus instinctively knowing that they had done something was a great way of showing just how well the friends know each other. And the Yorkie was very funny; I would have liked to see Sirius with a pink bow in his hair though. You constantly give us wonderful insights into Remus’ character and bring his earlier self alive so vividly. The introduction of the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher implies that this is a post that has always been difficult to fill. I enjoyed your description of her; it was very subtle and yet quite detailed. Remus observation about her guarded look served a twofold purpose; it gave us a look at how well Remus can read people and also let us know that our Spanish lady may not be all she seems. Peter’s attempts to master the process of becoming an Animagus were well written and I liked the mention of the Flobberworm. We know he became a rat, which is a fairly small animal, and you’ve given us a different reason to the generally assumed one for him becoming that animal. I also liked the distinction you had him draw between the voluntary change involved in being an Animagi and the enforced change that Remus has to undergo. And I love the wit that runs through the whole story; there are some real flashes of brilliance. I really liked Sirius’ admiration of the new teacher and the line ‘Until tomorrow, my sweet Cabernet’ made me laugh. Lily- Lily is beautifully written, one of the best I’ve seen. Her reactions to James and Sirius are perfect and of course her connection with Remus is extremely touching. They are connected both by their prefect’s badges and by their blood status but I think there is a deeper connection underlying their blossoming relationship and I hope you explore that. Remus’ line about it not being healthy to talk to her in his state was another that made me laugh. I love humour when it is a subtle as this…it’s very clever. Do I have to offer criticism? I honestly don’t think I can! Apart from a few phrases that sounded a bit modern for the seventies I couldn’t find anything to gripe about, It’s brilliant and I look forward to the next chapter with eager anticipation.
Author's Response: Thank you so much, you flatter me so! I'm so happy you're enjoying the story. The line about Remus thinking it isn't healthy to talk to Lily actually came from my own experience. I kept thinking of romantic moments over and over to feel that palpitation, kind of like "method" writing, and I thought, "If I keep this up, I'm going to pass out!" So I figured our werewolf friend would feel the same way. :) Thanks again for your review!
The first chapter was excellent but this one was amazing. I loved Remus' dream at the beginning, that set the atmosphere nicely for the sense of loss and longing we see later on. I want to slap Sirius...oh one line I particularly liked was the way his victims laughed along because they were just pleased to be part of Sirius and James' exciting world. That was a really telling remark. I'm enjoying your portrayal of Peter and am really looking forward to seeing how you develop him. He is quietly confident in these scenes and I think that is necessary to his betrayal of them. I don't think Sirius would say 'son of a bitch'. That's very American. That was the only thing that stood out as being misplaced in the whole chapter...oh and the fact that Madame Pomfrey is always Madam Pomfrey. And there was a comma in the wrong place but that is really nitpicking so I shall stop there!! The fact that Remus has so much understanding of his condition and the people around him is one of the greatest tragedies. He sees the fear in Madam Pomfrey and that must be so awful for him. The atmosphere you created in the Shrieking Shack was marvellous. His resignation to his fate was heart breaking and the description of the transformation was one of the best I have read....actuially this is shaping up to be one of the best Lupin fics I have read. The photograph was a nice touch and I thought his reflections on James and the others were very accurate. they are close friends but they can't really understand what Remus faces each month. Normally I would pick out a few lines I liked but there are too many of them to mention in this chapter. Your writing is beautiful, painful, atmospheric and whizzes along so fast the chapter is over before you know it. Brilliant, I love it.
Author's Response: Thanks for the Briticism suggestions! That's still a weak spot for me; I need to watch more Monty Python. I changed 'son of a bitch' and fixed Madam Pomfrey's name. And thank you so much for your review!! I am truly flattered! I think you're a fantastic writer, so I'm honored by your glowing words. :)
This isn't really just going to be a one-shot, is it? McKee is going to appear again, Lex...right?? It's fantastically well characterised and you imbue her with just the right amount of sarcasm and attitude for us to like her. The whole atmosphere in Slytherin is so right and I liked the way you have Hermione trying to extend a unifying hand via D.A. and how typically Slytherin to reject it. Very interesting parentage she has and I loved the comment about Lucius' hair, that was very funny. There are a few Americanisms and awkawrd sentences in there. I did also notice a potential mistake with the italics, they carried on too far when she was listening to the conversations around her. But when placed against the fanatstic amount of potential this fic has they are inconsequential. I'm loving this character and if you don't write more we may have to kidnap you and only allow you to read fics containing Mary-Sue's for all eternity..D'you hear! Well done, Lex...she's a brilliant creation.
Author's Response: Arg!! Mary Sues! Ay, they be the bane of us salt-worthy folk. So anyway, yes, thank you ;) It is a one-shot. That's it Mrs. Threatening. However, for your reading pleasure, I am attempting to infuse her into another work, or creating a few more one-shots. I put that section in italics because it was an incident that had happened prior to where we meet McKee. I'm glad you love her...she's hard to love in many ways.
I think you have a very natural style. I tend not to read stories that are in first person POV because they can be very limiting but you have managed to make your story inclusive of other character's view points in a natural way. Ginny is not the character I feel most affinity with so it takes a great deal for a writer to make me engage with her but when I read your story I felt like Ginny was talking to me.
Well, I think the opening to this chapter sums up what follows nicely. It all seems like a bad dream. The tension and sorrow that seep through the writing makes it so convincing. I thought the fact that you gave Ron both physical and mental scars was very effective. He is damaged so much that it is hard to see how he is moving on with his life. It all seems so soon after her death and still so raw. And Harry has his own share of despair too, with his desperate attempts to save Ginny. Molly too, she seems so broken by this and you keep her in character throught her pain. I like the way you show how painful Christmasses and birthdays are after a death like this, it is at these times that death is brought back forcibly on families. Again your language is wonderful and you express the thoughts and feelings of your characters so well. Ron's wish to join Ginny is so touching and heartbreaking at the same time. And that last line is perfectly poignant because it is always the empty space that people leave behind that hurts the most.
The atmosphere of this prologue was so perfectly chilling that you could feel the black despair of her imprisonment. The whole chapter was set up beautifully, taking us in and bringing us out at just the right moment, making it conclude without a real conclusion. I think you use language well, and I don’t just mean words. Your sentence structure is very good and rarely do you see an author use short sentences so well and to such good effect. On the screen the writing has a poetic look about it with that repeated line almost breaking the prose into stanzas. On reading you realise that the image is carried through in the writing. You can hear the words in your head and they sound fantastic. Read it aloud and it sounds even better, that’s really, really good to see. Your imagery is excellent, not overdone and kept restrained, in keeping with Ginny’s awful situation. I particularly liked She only existed now in pain and darkness, slowly fading into the circles of hell. and The footsteps passed, slowly teasing her along the way. Relief flooded through her tainted body. They would leave her alone today. No pain, no new memories. Your introduction of her old sparring partner, Tom Riddle, was chilling and I loved the way you conveyed his desire for her and the way she was both repulsed by it and yet felt his power over her. Just one line stood out as needing a change and it was this. He lifted up his hand and she could feel a cold hand caressing her face lightly. I’d lose the repeat of hand. That is the only constructive criticism I can give you for this because it is one of the best pieces I’ve read in a long time. The whole overpowering atmosphere of her captivity and the extreme torment she is experiencing was carefully managed and I thought the poignant paragraph towards the end where she is longing for her old life was very well placed.
Ha! That's very funny. it manages to be funny without also being pointless which from a readers POV is always a plus. I'm rubbish at reviewing humour fics because it usually descends into just rabbiting on about this bit being funny and that bit being funny.....blah, blah. But this was all funny and scarily enough they were all in character despite the fact it's a humour fic. Looking forward to your next chapter..I wonder if Dumbledore will really write the foreword.LOL
It's not often I get really excited about a new fic but this one had me reading eagerly from the first sentence. You have a great writing style that drags the reader along from start to finish and doesn't give them time to think about anything but the story. Love the opening with our intriguing French friend who doesn't sound at all nice although I do agree with his views on the Ministry! The scene in the lift was very good, how typically Tonks! I can't imagine being her teacher.. you would probably want to throttle her. Cass is an intriguing new character and I like the way you took us into a level of wizarding society we don't normally see...a wizarding coroner is really fascinating to watch. You write Harry, Hermione and Ron so well, very in character. Poor Bilius. The scenes with the Dursleys were well done and you drop in some great detail that really adds to the story. The triplicate copies of the magazines and the kitchen full of potential magic were particularly good. The car crash was frightening and I could just picture the glare of lights and confusing crashing sounds...what a great place to leave the introductory chapter. Just a few nit-picky things that I will rush through in one breath so they don't distract from what is otherwise a positive review for a really promising new story. They are mainly typos...Amelia is spelled wrong in one instance, Muggles is always capitalised in canon, they are starting at Hogwarts not staring (Although I should imagine they'll be doing a lot of staring as well :-) ) loosing should be losing, per say should be per se, every and ever are mixed up, I've also written the left on my notepad but now I can't remember what that pertains to! Right, that dispensed with I'm really looking forward to reading the next chapter. You have a detailed, imaginative style with a good mix of description and dialogue and I'm really intrigued by what I have read so far. Great job!
Author's Response: Wow - thanks for taking the time to give such thorough feedback. It's great to hear and very helpful. The typos are just the bane of my existance! Argh! You know you've had enough when your eye start to cross and you can't tell the difference between then and than and you start typing nad instead of and! I'll keep your suggestion in mind for future chapters and do my best to pay attention to those details.
Another brilliantly well-written chapter. I'm really drawn into your world simply because it is so convincing. You have made all the characters so three-dimensional that it is a pleasure to read. I loved poor Ron trying to see if Fred and George had charmed the table...that was a really nice, light introduction to what developed into a very serious chapter...where, oh where is Harry? I particularly liked the fact it was Mundungus on duty when Harry went missing...Molly was right to mistrust him. And I am really looking forward to seeing more of Cassandra, I hope you have plans for her in this story...you must have or you wouldn't have brought her into the Order. Again just a few nit-picky things.Least should be lest, messaged should be massaged, Shacklebolt is misspelled and there is a though that should be through. I also noticed a repeated mistake concerning dialogue. After speech that ends in an exclamation mark or question mark you capitalize the next word. e.g. "Is that possible?" Asked Cassandra (I made that up as an example). That asked shouldn't be capitalised. It would only be capitalised if it was unrelated to the way she spoke or if it was a proper noun. Here endeth the grammar lesson for the day!! LOL I hope you don't mind me picking up on these little things. I think your storytelling is so good generally that I hate to see really small things stand out. Do you have a Beta? They would pick up these little niggles. So again, great chapter and I hope we see three up soon...I am dying to find out what happened to Harry. Oh, and you are keeping nicely to canon, which is always a plus, for me anyway.:-)
Another brilliantly well-written chapter. I'm really drawn into your world simply because it is so convincing. You have made all the characters so three-dimensional that it is a pleasure to read. I loved poor Ron trying to see if Fred and George had charmed the table...that was a really nice, light introduction to what developed into a very serious chapter...where, oh where is Harry? I particularly liked the fact it was Mundungus on duty when Harry went missing...Molly was right to mistrust him. And I am really looking forward to seeing more of Cassandra, I hope you have plans for her in this story...you must have or you wouldn't have brought her into the Order. Again just a few nit-picky things.Least should be lest, messaged should be massaged, Shacklebolt is misspelled and there is a though that should be through. I also noticed a repeated mistake concerning dialogue. After speech that ends in an exclamation mark or question mark you capitalize the next word. e.g. "Is that possible?" Asked Cassandra (I made that up as an example). That asked shouldn't be capitalised. It would only be capitalised if it was unrelated to the way she spoke or if it was a proper noun. Here endeth the grammar lesson for the day!! LOL I hope you don't mind me picking up on these little things. I think your storytelling is so good generally that I hate to see really small things stand out. Do you have a Beta? They would pick up these little niggles. So again, great chapter and I hope we see three up soon...I am dying to find out what happened to Harry. Oh, and you are keeping nicely to canon, which is always a plus, for me anyway.:-)
Author's Response: Again, I really appreciate your comments! The dialogue thing is something that I've been struggling with immensley as it's the first time I've ever actually written it (argh...where do the commas go...when to start a new paragraph...what to do when characters are 'thinking' between dialogue...etc.) Blech...stuff you really don't want to spend you time doing. I don't have a Beta, but if anyone wants to help that would be great great great *HINT*! On another note, I really like Cass too (if I can toot my own horn). I think a nice strong intelligent female character is in order - not that McGonagall isn't great but she's just a bit too academic and sort of old and Hermione needs to grow up a bit.
Whatever happened to this fic? I really liked your opening chapter and it never got updated. I hope you didn't give up!
Wow! Great imagery and you’ve created a fantastic atmosphere. It’s very dark and dangerous, full of menace. I liked the way you racked up the tension right until the end when the seemingly impossible happens. The attitude of the Slytherins is perfect, evilly amused by Hermione’s predicament and Draco is just devilish! I particularly liked this bit…. The shadows of the stoned figures and knights’ armour only heightened her fear. It seemed as if their eyes were set upon her, and to her dismay, she couldn’t distinguish between what was real and what was her imagination… that was chilling! You just need to watch your grammar in places, it slips around a little and there were places where some punctuation was needed. I also thought that ‘clenching her wand’ would probably be better as clutching and stonewalls needed a space between stone and walls. But apart from that this is a great start. You have a really good style that enables you to crank up the suspense and keep the reader guessing about what’s going to happen next. I could feel Hermione’s fear and her relief when she thought she might make it only to have Draco catch up with her. Great stuff!
What a wonderfully different story. You use language beautifully and your word choice is excellent. There was nothing I didn't like here. The twist, for me anyway, is that it is Severus' maternal line that is steeped in dark magic and his father that despises it. I have always pictured it to be the other way around but you have me convinced! I love the relationship between mother and son, you have portarayed that so well. We can feel the bond between them and it gives us a perfect explanation as to why Severus knew so much Dark magic when he arrived at Hogwarts. Your names are fabulous! Septemia DeQuincey is perfect, I wonder if Thomas de Quincey was an ancestor! Your explanation on the balance between light and dark was so well executed. She spoke to him in a way that was understandable for a child of his age but she never spoke down to him. We can already see that Severus is an intelligent and inquisitive child with a thirst for knowledge and that seems to come from his mother. My only quibble is with the use of 'White' magic as a contrast for Dark. I'm not sure the term White Magic has a place in the Harry Potter world, but that's just my personal preference. If you were to use White I would naturally have assumed Black to be its opposite in the same way that Light is the opposite of Dark...but I can see the problem with describing magic as Light...it conveys a whole different meaning. But it's a small thing when overall the story is so interesting. I think you get carried away with commas in some places but don't we all, apart from that I couldn't fault your grammar and spelling...which always makes a fic a joy to read. It's brilliant, well done... I'm off to read Mirror,Mirror now.
Author's Response: Hi Maeve! I think you managed to write the longest review I've *ever* had, and look: I have finally figured out how to reply to it. (I'm the Neville Longbottom of fanfic writers...)
White, Light and Dark... Well, I understand what you mean; but believe me, I already had a hard time keeping Good, Bad and Wrong out of the discussion :). Yes, White magic is probably more naturally opposed to Black, not Dark; but Light magic sounds, to my simple ears, a bit like magic's diet version ;-)... So this is what I opted for.
I'm glad you like the names, by the way. I was indeed thinking of Thomas de Quincey, whose name has always fascinated me; as to Septimia, I can give you a teensy bit of info that's probably never going to make it into any story. She's called Septimia because her father's name was Septimus, and his name is the result of his being the seventh son. The DeQuinceys are singularly uninventive, and called their seven sons Primus, Secundus, Tertius, Quartus, Quintus, Sextus and Septimus. I thought it was a nice contrast with all those wonderfully creative names JKR churns out and of which I am really jealous. And I like topsy-turvydom - which is why I changed the Snape parents' allegiances. When I read the "Seen and Unforeseen" chapter in OotP, it immediately struck me that a man who shouts at his wife is not necessarily an evil wizard, as fandom usually pictures him. But more about that puzzling man in "Mirror Mirror"...
Thanks a lot for reviewing! -S.