I love Harry Potter and writing...so here I am! I also really enjoy 'Lost' (I know I'm so predictable!) House (Hugh Laurie is AMAZING!!!)...I'm also known to be critical (of everything so my friends say) and cynical......
I'm sorry but is that really all one massive paragraph or is that just my computer. If the latter I apologise. The writing could be amazing but reading that's just like walking through a swimming pool full of treacle. Finding your place once you've lost it is like finding a word in one gigantic wordsearch. Just looking at the size of that paragraph gives me vertigo!
Oh and there is research to suggest fish don't in fact have a 3 second memory span.
It's interesting, I'm so glad somebody has grasped the fact it's RON and HERMIONE, not HARRY and HERMIONE. The writing's good. The only thing is I don't think the Dark Lord would send Draco on such an important mission after he failed to kill Dumbledore...unless Snape said Draco killed him, but Voldermort is a powerful Legilimens he could find out.
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I\'m glad that you enjoy it. I have been really busy lately, but I shall update as soon as I find time to write again! You have a good point about the Dark Lord---but he does have his reasons.......
A very interestingly done fan fiction. I like the way it feels like a departure from the typical fan fiction format in using letters. The characterisation is also good of the characters Lupin and Narcissa. It might have been nice to have a gloating letter at the end from Narcissa about Lupin's resignation though...
You know a really good song, that's better than Jesse McCartney. 'Halleluyah' by Jeff Buckley. Now there's a guy with an amazing voice. He died tragically young. Now you could write an incredible fan fiction using that song!
A life without evil....that's a bold statement. Surely the path ahead of him is darker than it has ever been or is this a metaphorical statement about how love can protect you from evil. Maybe Harry should tell that to the Longbottoms, to Neville. I personally don't think being in love means you're protecting yourself from darkness and evil and heartbreak, if anything you're openning yourself up to it more because now Harry has someone to protect, to care for. I suppose the most loving thing you can say is I know I'm going to face evil and hurt and all that stuff but I'm still willing to go through it with you.
Oh and Jesse McCartney......please!
It's good, atmosphereric, has nice imagery. Some of it's a little cliche and Hollywood. ie) Scrimgeuor saying "So it begins." A line actually taken from the Lord of the Rings Return of the King, directly, but no doubt unintentionally.
However it sets the tone, pushes all the right buttons and asks all the right questions.
Adios
I really like what you've done with this story. You've taken an idea which seems really pretty implausable and yet it seems so natural at the same time. So many fan fictions on here are such crap, where the characters behave like stars in some cheesy hollywood chick-flick movie. But you really get the characters reactions just right in the same way they are in the book just twisted slightly. I really like it, and seriously I'm so critical!...I'm not sure Mrs Weasley would stop Ginny's education but....hey it's your story.
I also wondered, what inspired you to write a lesbian love story? Just wondering.
Ooohhh also it sounds like Ginny might be questioning her sexuality with Hermione in the next chapter, you could include 'old flame' Harry in there and have Ginny in some confusion as to who she is and what she is........sorry to intrude or anything, I mean it's your story...................it was just an idea
Interesting....I'll be interested to see where it goes from here. The writings good. I presume you're going for the contrast between the church a place of purity and the child who would later become so purley evil. It works well, I like it and it really fits in with what's already been in the books.
Only one question, does snow have a smell? Maybe that's just me. Oh you said some of this story doesn't fit with book 6, will the pregnancy still happen at the orphanage in London, and how can she make the journey so far when she seems quite heavily pregnant? Just a question, I'm sure the other chapters will answer it.
"I'll be there for you...when the rain starts to fall...I'll be there for you....like I bin there before!" Sorry the title just makes me want to sing, was it reference to the Rembrants song and theme tune of 'friends'?..........Aaaannywayy. Good for you for writing a story about Dean, that boy doesn't get enough attention. But didn't his father get killed by dementors? Only Dean doean't know about it. Some of JK Rowling's pointless but interesting back story. An interesting story though and it's amazing you got so much out of a character who is generally only mentioned in passing.
Hhhmm this story is well written but are you aware Alan Smity or 'Smithee' was the name film directors gave to works they were ashamed of?
Your story's interesting. Though I have to admit the name Ariel brings back terrible memories of the mermaid from The Little Mermaid, but hey it's your story and your names! Your description is good, you have a nice distinctive writing style...blah, blah blah, you probably already know all this but you're clearly a good writer.
One problem I do have, and I know it's a little early to say this but hey, why not, there doesn't seem to be any struggle in your story with Ariel being gay. His family accept him, the school and the society he lives in has no problem with him being gay. Maybe it's the effect you're going for but there's still a lot of prejudice against gay people in society, we're on the brink, teetering on the edge between being people tolerant of it and people being deadly against it and I just kind of feel it would be interesting to see this in your writing. It would just add some grit and tension to it to stop it going down the same predictable teen romance path so fan fictions about straight people follow. But that's your choice.
I also think it would make your writing a bit...sexier, no maybe that's not the word...more sensuous if you used the five senses more, especially when describing his dreams. It would just really bring Ariels feelings alive for the reader.
Cheers
bye!
Author's Response: Thank you for the compliments. First of all, not everyone is ok with Ariel being gay and his parents don\'t know he\'s gay. Second this story takes place almost 20 years into the future, it may be naive of me, but I hope in those years society might be a bit more accepting of homosexuality. As for the sexy part, as the story progresses it gets more steamy. Thanks for the review!
There's some really nice imagery here and I love the title. There seems to be some struggle within the poem though, as to whether you're talking about Harry Potter or real life war. So of your imagery suggests the former, some the latter and they don't fit particularily well with each other.
One again there's this problem of is the narrator a spectator or a soldier, at some points he/she looks at the wider picture, at other points they tackle the whole thing from a personal standpoint. I'd like to see you write a completely personally written poem written about the real grit of war and less of the bigger themes which leave the poem seeming confused and maybe less of the rhyming, because real raw emotion can very rarely be conveyed through rhyme. But that's just me.
Keep writing!
Buenos Noches!
This is well written, but suffers the same problem all fan fictions that follow the plot of the book suffer. The plot is torn between the where JK Rowling's plot wants to go and where the author wants their own plot to go. So really important things are disregarded. Harry hasn't even mentioned the Horcruxes or going to Godric's Hollow. He also resolved at the end of book 6 he couldn't carry on going out with Ginny. So this feels a little bit shakey as a story because it's treading uncertain ground between the two plots.
Some of the imagery and characterisation is also a bit unfitting. The bit where Harry's mind jumps from leaves to orange trees to Ginny seems just a bit stupid and absurd, more so than if he had just thought about Ginny. Would Aunt Petunia really cry over Harry? She has never shown any affection for him before and when she has it's always been masked in nastiness. I find it hard to believe she would be so open and wear her heart on her sleeve.
It's good. I know how hard it is writing about people when they were younger because you have to inquarperate, both things that are different and ways they've changed over time but also qualities they still have. You get the characters, well character quite well. I'll just be interested to see how you progress from this as James' big head already seems deflatted and Lily already seems in love with him, where is there still to go? I guess the other chapters will answer me.
This poem is interesting...and treads a path often tread, by war poets. As a poem, it's quite hit and miss. Your line lengths change and some lines knock the whole thing out of rhythm and some of the imagery doesn't seem to quite fit 'My mind fades like a photograph' Well photographs don't fade, they're constant, unchanging shouldn't it be more like 'My mind fades like ripples on a lake, breaking on the bank' or something more relating to actually fading.
Your poem also tries to be both retrospective and looking at the wider picture but also looking at the personal side of things as well. This means the two jar a little and don't really fit together, it would be interesting if you focused on one side of things.
The rhyming works quite well in buiding in rhythm, but the poem is sometimes held back by it, rhyme can make poets add imagery into a poem that doesn't really fit with the poems theme at all.
Good use of repetition.
Keep writing!
Good response! Your welcome for the review and you're very right about the different perspectives thing, if half the other writers on mugglenet hit me with that arguement when I was being extremely harsh about their fictions I'd have trouble retaliating with anyone! Luckily they're not all as unphased by my harsh reviews as you were.
Published is still somewhere if you want to be a writer, one small step along the way. Keep up the positive vibe my friend!
Buenos noches!
Author's Response: Whether good or bad, I\'m unphased by most things in life. I didn\'t find your review harsh really; it was more like you were stating your opinion firmly. And hey, we are all entitled to our own opinions, which is a very good thing. Besides, if I were to get only good reviews then who would be challenging me? A little nudge to reevalute your work can be very helpful sometimes. Thanks for the encouragement. -----RMV
Sirius was listening to Nickleback...NICKLEBACK! But then you're a published writer, I'm sure you'll tell me it's a literary device to symbolise Sirius' feelings of reminicence as he looks at the photographs of his old friends. Also Sirius is really chirpy in this fan fiction! In the book he's so dark and brooding I just don't see him as the kind of guy who would be happily bopping to Nickleback.
Furthermore am I to understand Lupin's been of on holiday? With a girl?: Lupin's pretty brooding himself over his werewolf problem and work for the order. He just doesn't seem the sort to have a girlfriend. But you love your writing, you're getting paid to write (I am sooo envious) why should you care about any of that?........'Broken from Punisher' Oh God!!!!!!
Author's Response: Well, I like those songs myself and had just heard them on my iPod when I sat down to write. I\'m guilty of having my own specific ideas of each individual\'s exact persona in HP -- I think we all are in some small degree -- and that\'s what shone through. As for being published... Published? Yes. Rich, famous, or even paid well? Not by a long shot, hopefully one day. Thanks for the review. -----RMV
I'll admit I'm not and never will be a Harry/Hermione shipper and I'm not going to pretend, I think people who see a Harry/ Hermione relationship are more than a little delusional and see what they want to see.
My issue here is this isn't a story of Harry/ Hermione, this is the story of you and your best friend fitted haphazardly into a Harry/ Hermione scenerio. Thus the result is the characters don't work, it all seems very OOC. The way Hermione shamelessly antagonises Harry as though the whole thing is his fault just isn't like Hermione at all whilst it may fit you and your life. Sure I'm all for including personal experiences in stories. But you still have to keep the characters the same!
Author's Response: Ok, the first thing...if you don\'t ship H/Hr, why read this? Another thing: I don\'t think that all romance stories have to have a back story. If you didn\'t lyk this half-way in, then just press the little back button.
Antagonising = no.
Stressed = yes. If you have ever seen the man of your dreams dating one of your (supposedly) closest friends, you\'d be a little OOC too, you know.
Thanks for the flame!
I'll admit I'm not and never will be a Harry/Hermione shipper and I'm not going to pretend, I think people who see a Harry/ Hermione relationship are more than a little delusional and see what they want to see.
My issue here is this isn't a story of Harry/ Hermione, this is the story of you and your best friend fitted haphazardly into a Harry/ Hermione scenerio. Thus the result is the characters don't work, it all seems very OOC. The way Hermione shamelessly antagonises Harry as though the whole thing is his fault just isn't like Hermione at all whilst it may fit you and your life. Sure I'm all for including personal experiences in stories. But you still have to keep the characters the same!
Author's Response: Double post! *blows raspberry*