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Date: 02/05/05 Title: Chapter 1: Left Behind
This is a promising start to what looks like a good fic. Your mechanics are generally good, although I noticed a few minor nits that your betas (and other reviewers missed). Not to worry; I know I have them too -- a fresh set of eyes always picks up more of them!
"He’d spent very little time at his Aunt and Uncle’s that summer." --> Aunt and uncle don't get capitals here. Words like aunt, uncle, mother, father, headmaster and professor sometimes take capitals and sometimes do not. The rule of thumb is if you can substitute the title with the name and still have the sentence make sense, then you capitalise. If the sentence does not makes sence, you don't capitalise. In this instance it doesn't make sense to say, "His Petunia and Vernon," so this is a case where these words aren't capitalised.
"new school-year" --> no need for a hyphen here.
A note on point of view: you're narrating from Ginny's POV and yet you refer to her mother as Mrs. Weasley and Molly at times. If we're in Ginny's head, do you think she thinks of her mother in those terms or does she just think of her as mum? I know the point is to vary the narrative, but you want to be careful about that. Sometimes it can be jarring for Ginny to think of her mother in other terms.
Something to consider in this chapter is you have a lot of narrative. You do a lot of telling. I know you're trying to set the scene here, and give important back-story, but you might have considered showing us some of the back story by means of flashback. That last supper before Harry leaves for Auror training could have been fleshed out into a scene and you could have used that scene to show us (rather than tell us) the family's emotions revolving around Charlie's death.
All that said, I think you left the chapter right where you should have, on a note of suspense. I know it leaves me wanting to move along to chapter 2.
Author's Response: Wow! Thanks, for stopping by to check out my story! *humbled amateur bows in the presence of FanFiction royalty* Apparently I have to go back in and do some more editting (If you' only knew the number of times I've gone back to fix things in this chapter... definately not my best work.) I didn't have a dedicated beta for this chapter and it shows, but I promise you the writing does get better and this chapter is still a work in progress. I hope to add a sorting hat song, eventually. Anyway, thanks for the review and the corrections!
Date: 02/05/05 Title: Chapter 2: Potions & Charms
I'm a little confused with the letter from Hermione. Is Hermione talking about the holidays early or has a lot of time passed since the beginning of term. Judging from what happens later in the chapter, it seems to me like Hermione is jumping the gun a little. It might be helpful for the reader to situate himself if you had Ginny think that Hermione's being her usual self and taking care of details early (or something along those lines) as she reads the letter.
I'm getting a vibe here that Ginny suspects she could be pregnant, especially with the talk of the concealment charm and Luna's comments. That makes it all the more worrisome to me that Ginny hasn't heard anything from Harry yet.
On to the next chapter.
Author's Response: Time has passed, which becomes more apparent in the next chapter. This isn't the first comment of this nature I've received. I think I'm going to have to bite the bullet and come back and do some rewriting on the first couple of chapters.
Date: 02/05/05 Title: Chapter 3: Letters From Home
Your friend Harry???? YOUR FRIEND? Ouch! On a note related to this letter, I see you've used "gotten". I wanted to point out that "gotten" is not used in the UK. Harry would have written "got". You also have a "gotten" further down where Ginny it telling Mary about Percy's letter.
"The owl presented it’s leg" --> its leg. It's (with the apostrophe) is the contraction of "it is". The possessive "its" has no apostrophe. I know it gets confusing, since an apostrophe is normally a sign of possession. It's not in this case. (And yes, I make that mistake all the time!)
Wow, you've got pompous Percy down, especially his comments about how diligently she's taking her studies! Nice letter!
"despite both her Mother’s, and Charlie’s, attempts to end it" --> couple of things here. First of all, it should be "mother's" (no capital -- same reason I left in the review for chapter 1). Secondly, you don't really need the commas around "and Charlie's". They don't add any clarity and they're just cluttering up the sentence.
"Are you alright?” --> pet peeve of mine. It's "all right".
"What does your Mum have to say about all this" --> your mum, same reason as above. "she was surprised to find herself outside the Headmaster’s office" --> headmaster's office, same rule. "in front of the Gargoyle" --> gargoyle. No, this isn't the same rule ;-) but there's really no reason to capitalise here. Gargoyle is a common noun, and it's not one of the exceptions JKR makes in canon.
“I’m pregnant!” I knew it! I was thinking with the tears and dropping off to sleep she was acting hormonal!
Author's Response: Yikes! I have my work cut out for me! I fixed chapter two by adding in a sentence, but it's going to be tomorrow before I get to these corrections. With you and Lovely Fatima as readers, I don't stand a chance, grammatically speaking!
Date: 02/05/05 Title: Chapter 4: Choices
I'm curious as to how Dumbledore knows Harry's the father. I got the impression that Harry and Ginny's relationship was a secret. Since you're in Dumbledore's point of view here at the beginning of the chapter, you might add in an indication of his thought process.
"Ginny paused, talking about Sirius was difficult. His death was still an open wound that never seemed to heal. " It's arguable, but this is potentially a point of view shift. You were in Dumbledore's POV at the beginning, but here you seem to be revealing Ginny's thoughts. Granted Dumbledore could be drawing a conclusion; you could make that absolutely clear by adding "Dumbledore realised" or something along those lines.
You know, it's an interesting consideration what Voldemort would do with a child of Harry's. On one hand, Harry is the specific person named in the profecy. On the other, Voldemort is teh evul. I don't think he'd be under any "obligation" (if you will) to kill Harry's child, but I do think he'd do it just because.
At the point where Dumbledore tells Ginny he'd like to speak with her again, it might be helpful to add a specific direction for her to come back to his office. Otherwise it could mean he'll meet her somewhere. It just gives a bit more completeness to things.
"outside of the Headmaster’s office." --> I don't even have to say it, do I? (And you've got it again further along in the paragraph.)
"The only solution is for you to be in two places at once. --> you're missing a close quote on this. "Can you do that Ginny?" --> you need a comma before "Ginny" here. This is direct address.
I'm confused about how the whole Time Turner thing is supposed to solve her problem, so I hope there will be a full explanation at some point. I'm not saying it belongs in this chapter by any means. That's one way of sustaining suspense. All I'm saying is I hope to understand what happened eventually.
Author's Response: In the previous chapter, right at the end, Ginny says Harry's name. That might not be enough for just anybody but I figure Albus is pretty quick on the uptake. I am taking steps to work on my capitalisation habit. 12 of them to be precise... ;) And the Timeturner will be explained, in chapter 7 as a matter of fact.
Date: 02/05/05 Title: Chapter 5: Out of the Frying Pan and into Hiding
OK, I want to know... How disd Dumbledore bribe Petunia to give Ginny proper food? They always starved Harry. (Oh, and BTW, I think I get how the time turner thing works now. I was having a blonde moment last chapter, I think.)
Would the Narnia reference be the fact that there's another room behind the wardrobe, like there was a whole other world behind the wardrobe in Narnia? Oh, and I'm glad you've given her a bathroom. I was wondering about that!
Gah, just GAH! Harry needs to have some sense slapped into him, but whatelse is new? Ok, I need a new chapter, so I hope the mods hurry up and approve the next one.
Author's Response: Another vote for Petunia...you people! Okay, I'll come up with a reason/bribe. You got the Narnia reference in one. It was unintentional, I didn't notice it until after the first draft. Having recently been pregnant I am well aware of the importance of a bathroom... she's gonna need it! ;) As for chapter 6, it's on its third round with the mods. I think I may have finally fixed the problem to their liking without compromising the integrity of my plot. Oy, the headaches of publishing a fanfic.
Date: 02/14/05 Title: None
What fun must it be to be a magical mother! Anything your baby breaks can be fixed in a jiffy with a handy spell. I never thought of that aspect, but I love the detail.
As tired as she was of his antics, she loved the sound of his happiness. How poignant is that line considering the ultimate outcome of the story? And the bit later on when Lily is worried about Harry being cooped up and hating it. It's a good thing she doesn't know the half of it! Great interaction between Harry and Lily, though.
I also love the juxtaposition of Lily's wish that they could be a normal family for once just before all hell breaks loose. The action was very well portrayed. I was on the edge of my seat.
Small Brit-pick. You say Lily takes her wand out of her pants. In the UK, pants are men's underwear. What we in North America call pants are called trousers over there. In narrative (as it is here) it's a really minor thing, but if your aim is to make your characters sound as authentic as possible, you'd want to avoid the word in dialogue.
A few feet away from them, a rat scurried, causing Lily to jolt. Is that Pettigrew? And why did Voldemort give them a chance to defend themselves? I hope to find out the answers soon!
Author's Response: I allude to Lily's confusion over Voldemort's attack in the third chapter. In general though, I saw his attack as a gross display of arrogance. Thanks for noticing about the pants/underwear thing. I never would've known, being American and all. I'm also glad you liked the part about Lily magically repairing the dishes. I'm a former nanny and there were times I wished I could just magically do things. :) Thanks for your review!
Harry Potter and the Power of Emotion by Melindaleo
Rated: •Summary: Harry is struggling to come to terms with the events of his fifth year. Can he learn to depend on those he considers family and become what he needs to be in order to survive?
Date: 05/30/05 Title: Chapter 12: Teach Your Children Well
I like the way you didn't have Harry warm up to Diana the moment he found out she knew his parents. I think that's far more in character for Harry than if he'd immediately wanted to be friendly with her.
Ron's comment about women teachers seems OOC to me. He's had competent female teachers in the past: McGonagall, Sprout and Grubbly-Plank, for example. I don't see any basis for why he'd have made that comment.
essay on why Veritaserum is not used in legal trials Now that is truly freaky. I know this chapter was written long before JKR mentioned this on her website. I'd be curious to see if you have an answer in the story that's more or less what she said. I guess Ron isn't going to realise his goal of becoming an Auror since he didn't make it into NEWT-level potions (personally, I don't know of any reason why he'd be particularly bad at Potions, but that's just me).
I found one editing nit: "Don’t I know it." Ron said, grinning. You want a comma after "it", not a period.
While I'm pretty sure we're never going to see a conversation where they discuss Harry's behaviour in fifth year, I think Ron's comment about family taking things out on each other is very apt. It harks back to the fight Harry and Ron had in GOF. I'm sure that the night Harry talked to Sirius in the fireplace before the first task that Ron would have apologised if Harry hadn't flown off the handle and made things worse. Ron comes from a position where he's able to understand normal family dynamics, and those are things Harry badly needs to learn about.
Date: 05/02/05 Title: Chapter 2: A Mother Bear
All this info about Percy and how The Burrow is no longer safe is making me worried. I feel as there's going to be a situation where Percy decides to mend his fences, goes home and meets with tragedy. I was also thinking it could have been Percy trying to come home, but you've nixed that possibility already.
I can't blame Harry one bit for not wanting to go to 12 Grimmauld Place. A lot of post-OOP fics have him spending part of the summer following his fifth year there, but I really hope that JKR doesn't go this route in canon. Personally I don't think she will. In his current psychological state (especially as portrayed in this story) it wouldn't be good for him at all. However, you've really put poor Molly in a bind with this situation you've set up.
Small editorial nit: how much Sirius death must be eating away at him now. You need an apostorphe after Sirius there.
Thank you (again) for not ignoring the Dean situation. I like your assessment of it through Ginny: It annoyed her that her heart agreed, even though her head firmly squashed that notion. Harry had never paid her any attention. He wasn’t interested; it was time to move on.
Nice job!
Date: 05/02/05 Title: Chapter 3: The Howler
Things are starting to happen now. I'm curious to find out how the Death Eaters managed to get past whatever protection Harry has on him while he's with the Dursleys.
Found a minor nit-pick: he knew that somewhere, Wormtail was still be punished Was still *being* punished.
I love how Hedwig helped move things along here by delivering Harry's unfinished letter. She's really got a mind of her own.
Date: 05/02/05 Title: Chapter 4: Grimmauld Place
I think you forgot to close a bold tag at the beginning of the chapter, because the entire thing is bolded.
I like Harry's reaction on arrival, how he first clings to Ginny and then pulls back as soon as he realised who's got him. However, something's going to have to give, and he's going to have to let his feelings out. I feel like he's wound up about as tight as he can go.
Editing nits: We all got out safely and have been holded up here. I think you want "holed" in there, not "holded". It’s beyond me." Ron growled. You want a comma after "me" not a period. I’ll see to it you don’t come in contact with him again". The period goes inside the quotation marks.
Dean broke up with Ginny out of the blue? I suppose that's convenient for getting Harry and Ginny together, and the reasoning is plausible, but I'll confess to being a bit disappointed at not seeing Ginny wrestle with her conflicting feelings a bit more.
He’d have to find some way to apologize. Heh, I can think of a thing or two he could do... And the way this chapter ended, I'm looking forward to more.
Date: 05/02/05 Title: Chapter 5: A Shoulder to Lean On
Voldemort was somehow tapping into his emotions Something tells me this is important.
I do know how you feel, Harry; I once had the same feelings. I can see something like that playing out in actual canon -- where Harry's feeling guilty and Ginny sypathises due to her own experiences. I wonder if the whole "Lucky you" bit in the books was in anticipation of that.
I'm not too sure about Ginny coming right out and saying "Voldemort" though, and Harry didn't even notice. The "Tom" I can see, but I'm pretty sure she's always said "You-Know-Who" in canon.
Date: 05/12/05 Title: Chapter 6: A Little Unwell
I'm glad Harry had a chance to talk to Remus. Remus' explanation of Sirius' mindset at the end of OOP is perfectly understandable and in character, and it's definitely something Harry needs to hear.
Harry planned to ask Ron to put a Silencing Charm around his bed Why would he have to ask Ron to do this? Can't he do it himself?
I can't help but get the feeling that Harry ought to be practising his Occlumency to help block out his nightmares. It seems like everyone would sleep better if he could do this. Shame on Dumbledore for not getting him more training.
He suddenly was very glad they had been trying to be discreet around him, because this was just gross. Maybe, but it's funny!
Yep, it's high time Harry called Dumbledore. He needs the means to shut the dreams out. Can't complain about how the chapter ended, either. ;-)
Author's Response: I feel like a fangirl, but I 'm so psyched to see your name here, lol. It thrills me. Don't worry - there's some Harry and Dumbledore interaction coming up next chapter regarding Occlumency.
Date: 05/12/05 Title: Chapter 7: O.W.L.s
Fred and George are right. Ron is whipped. Not that there's anything amiss about that. He would be.
Dumbledore looking more and more aged as things progress is right in keeping with canon. I'm pretty sure you're foreshadowing here (you and JKR for that matter).
You know, given the book 6 covers we've seen, it looks like you've called something here, either with the Occlumency lessons or the extra DADA -- or both -- direct from Dumbledore.
Nice speech from Dumbledore here about choice. Even when we don't think we have a choice, we do. Just the sort of thing he'd expound upon.
Good for Harry, giving up the Quidditch captiancy in favour of Ron!
Intersting OWL marks for Harry. I'm curious to see how you handle Potions: he got an E and an O, but that wouldn't average out to an O, so technically McGonagall is going to have to pull some strings to get him into the class, which of course will make Snape just love Harry all the more. (And I agree with your assessment in your note. While I don't think that Harry will do quite so well in Potions in canon, McGonagall will make sure he get into NEWT-level Potions. JKR does have to keep Snape in the story.)
Date: 05/12/05 Title: Chapter 8: Sweet 16
I liked Harry's reaction to Hermione badgering him to talk. That was right in character. As much as she knows, she doesn't know when to back off with him most of the time, although I'm glad she did here, but then you gave her a motivation to do so.
I've never been much of a fan of the notion that Sirius had a will and left everything to Harry. It's done a lot and most of the time it's a note in passing. The author never makes anything of it. You've avoided that trap though. You made something about Harry's feelings on learning of his inheritance, and I think they were right on. There's no way he'd be happy about inheriting the house or the money, which he doesn't need. I'm glad he found a way to give it to the Weasleys under terms they would accept it.
Date: 05/16/05 Title: Chapter 9: A Blast from the Past
Declan Morrissey Are you a fan of 80s music? Because that sounds suspiciously like the Smiths lead singer mixed up with Elvis Costello's real name. Given Harry's reaction to meeting him, I have the feeling we're going to see him turn up again. I'm also curious about Delores Umbridge turing up in Diagon Alley. She's obviously recovered from her ordeal with the Centaurs (more or less, anyway), but I have to wonder what she's up to these days.
Editing nits: abusing her students." Hermione raged. You want a comma after students here not a period. You've got a similar mistake here: get some lunch." she said, Comma after lunch.
How in the heck can Bellatrix Lestrange get away with turning up in Diagon Alley in broad daylight? Everyone knows she's a fugitive. Granted she probably took the shortcut over from Knockturn Alley, but still, it seems like an awful risk for her to take. Unless it's an attack, of course. ;-)
Vaguely, it crossed his mind that today he’d met up with both Dolores Umbridge and Bellatrix Lestrange. All he needed was to see Aunt Petunia, and he’d have all the women who’d made his life a living hell in one-stop shopping. LOLOL. But seriously, now I'm wondering if there's a connection between him meeting Umbridge and Bellatrix. And it seems like Ginny agrees with me. :D But then Hermione's got a good point about Declan. Now I'm not sure what to think.
You'd have to ask a Brit to be sure, but "kiddo" sounds very American to me. OTOH the vision he had of Sirius seems like a good thing to help Harry lay his guilt feelings to rest.
Date: 05/27/05 Title: Chapter 11: Breakout
On the surface, this chapter was your typical obligatory back-to-school scene, complete with Sorting ceremony, Dumbledore's speech after the feast, speculation about the new DADA teacher, etc. Then you blindside us by having Harry collapse and using it to further the H/G. I think breaking from the canon pattern (usually a big event like an Azkaban break-out would come later on in the school year) was a good choice. I think a lot of fanfic authors follow canon patterns a bit too closely and it makes stories become predictable.
Here are a couple of minor edits for you. On Snapes left, sat a witch Harry didn’t recognize. Snape's. Without further preamble, Tuck In There's no need for capitals on "tuck in" here.
Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled as his gaze flickered over the Gryffindor table. Both Harry and Ron shifted in their seats, while Ginny seemed to slouch down a bit. What's Ginny been doing in the Forbidden Forest? I hope we're going to find out.
Date: 05/16/05 Title: Chapter 10: Homeward Bound
This was a transitional chapter. Lots up meet-ups and what seemed like idle chit-chat, but I'm sure there are clues hidden in there. For example, what's up with Malfoy? Why is he harder this yeah? Did he receive the Dark Mark? And what's up with Cho? I'd have thought she'd be happy with a new boyfriend, but it's not looking that way. Is she still bitter about Ginny beating her to the Snitch that she's going to hold a grudge? I found one minor error: Brilliant." Ginny said, smiling. You want a comma after brilliant, not a period.
Date: 04/29/05 Title: Chapter 1: Solitary Grieving
I've seen this story recced so many times as one of the better H/G stories to come out since OOP, but I've never given it a shot up until now -- I think it was the length, but reading your fluffy one-shot last night has convinced me to give it a try (and yes, I know this is supposed to be angsty -- but I can deal). I'm not sorry I did.
You say in your author's note that this is your first fic, and yet you've deftly avoided a pitfall of most first-time writers. You've shown Harry's depression rather than just told us about it. You've described all the typical symptoms and yet you've never once come out and said "Harry was depressed." Excellent work there!
I didn't notice anything wrong grammatically, and everyone seemed perfectly in character. I especially liked how Harry wished that Mrs Weasely would come check up on him. He wants a mother so badly.
Snape's Birthday by Magical Maeve
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: It's the ninth of January and Severus is trying to avoid his birthday but this year it's not going to be spent alone. This is an offshoot of Harry Potter and the Daughter of Light but it didn't quite fit within the main story so it's a one shot.
Date: 02/21/05 Title: Chapter 1: Snape's Birthday
“Of course you realise that this won’t mean I will be….” he hesitated as she sensed the chink in his armour and moved into his arms. “Nice.” LOL, that's perfect! I can see why this didn't fit into your main story since the timing is all off, but I'm glad you wrote this aside anyway. The descriptions and atmosphere were tops as usual.
Author's Response: No, this would have really messed up the later storyline in HPDL but I liked it so much I didn't want to discard it. And I wanted to give Snape a birthday present, I shouldn't imagine he gets that many!
Marked To Find Your Way Back by GringottsVault711
Rated: 1st-2nd Years •Summary: Two part ficlet. Ron has found himself in love with Hermione, but is now convinced that she 'detests' him. A simple gesture on his part could reveal the truth between the two friends. Includes references to Pride & Prejudice and 'The Ruined Puzzle' by Dashboard Confessional, because they both rock.
Date: 05/05/05 Title: Chapter 1: Chapter The First: Ron
P&P is the perfect paradigm (gah, there's a ten-dollar word for you!) of Ron and Hermione's relationship. I especially liked where Ron was wondering if he and Hermione would even be friends if it wasn't for Harry. Something I also found myself thinking as I was reading was how this could very possibly how it happens in canon. I think we've all known since GOF that Ron has a thing for Hermione, to the point where they could have dated in OOP. Yet they didn't -- if anything Hermione's come-backs to him were even ruder than ever. The poor teaspoon doesn't get that she's frustrated, which is holding him back. So that was very realistically portrayed.
I found a few editorial nits: she is much too emerged in her book to even have noticed it. I think the word you want there is "immersed" not "emerged". sitting trying to watch at her without anyone noticing I don't think you need "at" in there. It makes perfect sense without it. So not only do you have know idea It should be "no idea". she couldn’t have possible gone to Harry You want "possibly" in there.