Wow, MorganRay, that was absolutely beautiful. The parallel between the stone angel and Narcissa was perfectly achieved and kept a lovely motif throughout the story.

Perhaps, more so than any other part, I liked reading about the image of Narcissa smoothing her hand over her stomach. I could see her love for her baby, her Draco, even then. The atmosphere conveyed by, indeed, your word choice, seemed warm, which only served to contrast the cold, clammy feel of the mausoleum.

Your portrayal of the Dark Lord was wonderful. He acted just as he should, and his choice of Portkeys was just perfect. The spider instead of the customary snake was just what the object needed to be distinctive, and, if possible, more frightening.

Poor, poor Andromeda. I felt Narcissa's pain, and, even more, her loss in this particular sentence: "In those days, we smiled together." Oh, yes. In those days, they did indeed smile together. But now, oh, the poor Black sisters. Such a sad thing. Reminds me of a tragic version of Hocus Pocus, although that makes their struggle seem a touch trivial.

Also (I'm sorry, this goes on and on,) I was very, very glad that you used correct grammar. I am SO very happy when I find that on MuggleNet because--while our Mods do a fantastic job of checking through the stories--mistakes sometimes slip by them. The one mistake I noticed, however, was that you spelled 'Portkey' as two words and lowercase, 'port key.' According to the Lexicon, 'Portkey' is capitalized and is one word.

The second to last paragraph, I just noticed, parallels Hannah's dedication of Samuel to the Lord in the Bible. Of course, I realize that many people don't regard the religious aspect of... anything that much. In fact, I'm not a devout either, but, no matter. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that Narcissa parallels Hannah as she dedicates her son to Lord Voldemort, just as Hannah dedicated Samuel to God. One to evil, one to celestial praise. Ah, yes... It is indeed a parallel.

Over all, this one-shot was superbly written and I'm glad I found it. A beautiful connection to the earthbound angel in the beginning. "As I remembered that face, I realized the artist had carved my sorrow into her face, trying to warn me away. And I hadn't heeded that warning." Lovely, just lovely. The poor stone angel.

~The Order of Ravenclaw House Elves~

Author's Response: Wow. I am INCREDIBLY pleased to get this review. You said you liked good grammar, but wow, I love a good review. :D I honestly didn\'t even think Biblically, but it does work in some sort of warped way.

Hey Megan!

I’m sorry it’s taken so long for me to get back to you; I’ve been really busy (haven’t had much time for writing, etc.) and I’ve been desperate to reply to your lovely *blushes deep, cherry red* complimentary email. Of course I wanted to look at your work, and I finally got to, and… Wow, you’re doing so well! I love the characters you’ve created. In fact, your characterization is so nice (especially for a first fic) that I’m going to dedicate a paragraph to my first impression of each girl.

*Ahem!* Riannon and Morven. First of all: LOVE both of their names. *giggles* Ria’s personality, too, reminds me a little of my Riana. That only serves to make me feel closer to her. She’s such a feisty, little thing. I adore her independence and arrogance. *raises eyebrow and grins* From the first sentence, “Bloody hell!” to her “Sounds like this compartment.” I laughed so much at that sentence. She’s so abrupt, so straightforward, so… Marvelous job, Megan. =) Furthermore, I can tell that Ria is already scarred. Poor child; I just want to hug her. That wicked mother of hers! You know, she reminds me of the little girl (God help me, I can’t remember her name *headdesk*) in “The Subtle Knife” by Philip Pullman.

Nadina. Very creative name and perfect for her character. “Riannon wondered if she had a boyfriend” was priceless. *grins* I have thought that before, too, while looking at tall, slim, lovely girls. Such an admission only makes Ria all the more human. (Of course I went back to Ria’s character. *chuckles*) Naddie’s a flutterbug and I like her flittery character. We all need one of those, eh?

Punita and her cat, Jinx. Great names. I like Punita, too. She’s serious, quiet, but also a little arrogant. That’s good. She has flaws and those make her a very REAL character. I hope to see more about her. I see Punita as the caretaker. These girls all have the potential to exemplify archetypal personalities very well and I can’t wait to see what you do with that.

Anna. Hufflepuff, much? Your description of her smile is absolutely lovely. I’m glad you’ve redeemed her character by giving her that one, wonderful trait.

Sophie. At the moment, I can’t say much about her except that she’s a talkative beanpole who I rather like because she’s so loyal to Anna. There’s no one like these two girls in the “HP” books and I wonder where you will take them…

Mary/Veronica. She seems to be a female Ron. *grins* I like her, though. I feel that she and Ria are the most compatible of all, goodness, FIVE girls in the cabin.

I quite like the Harry Potter Chocolate Frog card; he was so friendly, eh? Ingenious, dear, =) Oh! *gasps* But does that mean Harry is alive or…? I can’t wait to find out.

Just a few things to nitpick that would make your story just that little bit clearer. After the Author’s Notes at the top of the story, you might want to put a space between the two blocks of text (A.N. and beginning of chapter) to make it easier for the reader to distinguish between the two.

A space between the comma after ‘Bloody hell,’ and ‘thought’.

There’s a touch of pronoun confusion in the first paragraph; using ‘her’ instead of ‘Riannon’ made me wonder whether you were talking about Ria, Professor McGonagall, or the ‘strange woman’.

Also, don’t forget to put a new person’s dialogue as a new paragraph. When Nadine asks Ria if she’s all right and Ria nods, Nadine’s “Yeah?” should begin a new paragraph. … Or you could simply say that the ‘she’ is Ria. *giggles* Told you I was picky. =/ It doesn’t really matter, love; the chapter is wonderful the way it is. Just tips for future submission.

Nadine says that Ria can ‘just calls’ her Naddie; should that be, ‘just CALL’?

Hmm, whenever you use numbers (like the number ‘4’) you really should not use the numerical value. Just type it out, ‘four’; ‘tis more grammatically correct.

Too, I don’t see Jinx ‘screeching’ because she’s a cat. What about ‘Jinx gave a yowl’?

There’s one thing that you should be careful about, though, and that’s switching perspectives. You’re telling this story from Ria’s perspective, so it would probably be best not to “listen in” on any of the other girls’ thoughts. =)

Last, watch your formatting between paragraphs. There should, ideally, be one space between each paragraph. Going back and editing changes the formatting of your chapter. To fix this, you just have to take the entire text out of the box and take it to Word (or Words, whichever program you use if you have a PC) and make your changes, then C & P the text back into the word box. Time-consuming, but it really helps the reader. =) Just a little tip... 'tis all.

All in all, Megan, this has the makings of a really entertaining story. The one thing that I’d like to see you write more of—and I know you can do it—is description. Don’t just say that Ria did something, actually have her walking to window, fiddling with the latch, and throwing things out. *giggles* You know what I mean?

You really are a talented writer and I can’t wait to see where this goes, to see where you go as a writer, etc. (Not stalking or anything… Gah! That came out wrong. *grins*)

Keep up the good work, Megan, and I’ll definitely shadow this story. Well done!

~Julia~

P.S. See, there’s no need to be nervous around me; I’m a nice person. =)

Author's Response: Wow. Thank you so much!!! What a wonderful review! Thanks for your compliments on Ria and Morven. I have a thing where I have to make every name have a significant meaning, so Riannon means \"sorceress\" and Morven means \"magical.\" I love Nadina! She\'s kind of in-your-face, but in a good, friendly way. Truthfully, I based her off of Tonks- could you tell? Punita and Veronica are actually based off of two of my friends. Real-life Veronica really does have 5 brothers and sisters! But Punita in real life does not have a cat, and her name really isn\'t Punita. Thanks for the C.C., too. I\'ll be sure to keep that in mind. Heehee, you just made my day! Muchas gracias! ~megan~

*giggles* It was hilarious, Jade. I'm thrilled that you went out on a limb and wrote that. Such a spoof! *grins*

I know it wasn't your first choice, but you did well with the prompt. Yes, the characters are OOC, but that's what this particular prompt needed. I don't believe I've ever read anything so silly, and I mean that in a good way. You have quite the talent for characterizing goofy, little teenage girls, and Ron's complete indifference toward their little war was a hoot! =)

Your grammar, dear, was wonderful. I'm thrilled that you didn't give up on this prompt because it was admittedly odd, and I'm sorry you didn't get a Christmas gift. If I had known, well, I would have helped write it ... or something.

Before I go, I'd just like to mention that I loved, LOVED the line about Draco Malfoy. I could picture it perfectly, and it was hilarious.

More random-ness: Hooray for Luna. =) I think it's fantastic when authors pair her with Ron; her attraction towards him can't simply be "just friends," eh?

And last, good gracious, what was Harry thinking? *grins again* He and Pansy, eh? Well, that's what we get for proposing inter-house unity. *sighs*

All in all, a very nice job, dear. Well done!

~Julia~

Author's Response: Aw, thanks, Julia! I\'m honored that you enjoyed the story. It was crazy, I know. I just tried to do the best I could. I spent SO much time on the phone with my friend/beta Lupinpatronus, and we were trying to come up with a plot that fit with these pairings ... basically we just decided that some sort of girl trouble with Ron would work, and well ... voila. I assume all responsibility for my actions. Lol. Thank you for reading and reviewing, it made me so happy to get this review from you! *hugs Julia* Take care! -Jade P.S. By the way, I love your current avatar...

Alyssa, this was really incredible. I'm not great shakes at poetry dissection (or at writing it) but I actually this very much.

I'm not fond of the AA, the AB, the ABC rhyme scheme you used in the first three stanzas because it felt a little stilted to me, like you were following a pattern, but as the poem progressed, you fell into this swinging rhythm that just *rolls* off the tongue.

The stanza beginning with "The courageous and brave" and ending with "the foremost prow" is perhaps my favorite in the poem. "RIght here, right now," just displays an urgency, a *realness* that comes through the words of your poem ... exquisitely.

Too, I loved the line: "I wonder, if I were to die tomorrow, which of us would bear the heaviest sorrow?" Ah, it's beautiful. It's captivating and enchanting. I-I love it. Marvelous job.

This poem is wonderful. I don't know if I've ever read any Harry Potter fanfiction poem that I've enjoyed more than this.

~Julia~

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing!
I\'m happy you enjoyed it.

What an incredible way to send these unlikely two back into the past! (And, of course, you've got me wondering what Draco's Patronus is.) And the only thing I could think of when they saw James and Sirius is: I know when they are, too! *chuckles*

Oh, and great wave of suspense there at the end of the first chapter. Furthermore, I haven't seen any grammar mistakes which is always a pleasure to see. =) Of course, I didn't expect to see them since you ARE a PI-accredited beta.

I can't wait to see where you take this. Best of luck! =)

~Julia~

Marvelous alliteration in the beginning paragraph: “...marched miserably down the marbled corridors of the Ministry of Magic.”

“to” should not be capitalized in “These Bring-Your-Child-To-Work-Days”because it is a preposition.

“...the gold fountain remaining [should this be 'remained'?] a ruined pile of rubble.”

Absolutely amazing vocabulary; 'sconces' did it for me. =)

Wonderful descriptive language; so far, I have been able to see everything.

At first, I took this into my word processor and was going to list everything and then go back and elaborate, but I've decided to begin elaborating now. The few short critiques at the beginning will not continue throughout this review. *bows*

“...ruffled his ginger locks.” Wouldn't we all? *grins* Another Ron Weasley fan? =) What I love about this is your completely real characterization of Ron; you've not made him into a bumbling boob as so many writers do; you've allowed him some dignity ... and kept him totally in character. I seldom see that. Your subtle use of phrases like, “Blimey!” connects your Ron to the Ron of JKR's books and I think that's truly a gift.

“Pick me!” Hee! Such visions as I have... such visions! Actually, they are simply visions of “Alice in Wonderland.” If you've ever seen Disney's animated version, you might be able to connect with what I'm talking about. You remember, in the hall, where Alice has just lost the White Rabbit, and there's a door behind a curtain (different from the book, but no matter), and the keyhole has a face? Well, this is what that reminded me of. Such a fun and whimsical connection ... in such a dark and frightening place. (

I absolutely LOVED this. James and Lily--especially Lily--are so IC. "Darn it!" *giggles* That just sounded so Lily. I have a cousin who is very ... artsy and earth-mother, and that's who Lily has always reminded me of. And James's innocent, "Would you like any help?" Perfect. Right on the money. And, so. You've got the characterization down pat.

One quick correction: It should be, "I just don't get [it.]"

And another. (I'm sorry! I'm just writing as I read...) You shouldn't put an exclamation point and a question mark together. I.e. "Pregnant!?" It should be one or t'other.

Oh, and the wonderful pregnancy test! What a simple way to do things; and, apparently, failsafe. *grins* Lucky Lily. And, hello Harry!

*giggles* "(out of sight, out of mind)" - James is such a boy. This seems to be the universal concept of a man's "tidying up." Very cleverly placed!

What a great story! I loved the parallel between the lovable, tender, clueless men and the all-knowing, intuitive, connected women. Their was just something so very real about this story. It could have been anybody.

Marvelous job, dear! And thank you again for the wealth of banners. *huggles*

~Julia

Bonjour Melissa! =)

Beautiful beginning, I want to say straight away. The physical analogy—Blaise/Draco, night/day—was wonderful, but its meaning was enhanced by the sentence directly following it: “Mentally, they were the same,” which brings the entire relationship directly into bright, shining view. Splendid job. =)

There are relatively few grammatical errors in this lovely short story, but I believe it's always best to have a bit of concrete (or, constructive criticism, con. crit.) along with praise. It helps in improving one's writing, don't you think?

Thus, I'll be going through the story and pointing out a few very minor things that could be improved upon. Let me hasten to assure you, though, that I found very little to nitpick in your writing. Marvelous job, really.

First, in the second paragraph (bit of an oxymoron-ic statement, eh?), you begin with the word “Slytherin's” involving an apostrophe. However, as “Slytherins” in this case are neither possessing anything nor meaning “Slytherin IS,” the apostrophe should be left off: “Slytherins.” As a general rule—I've noticed that you used the apostrophe incorrectly in other places—unless something is possessing something (for instance: the cat's yarn), or is a contraction using 'is' (for instance: the cat's dancing to the fiddle music), you should not use an apostrophe. Just a brief tip, there. =)

Then in the third paragraph, it should be “Draco and HE” because if you were to delete Draco from that phrase, you would want it to read: “He was different.”

I loved the description of Draco from Blaise's point-of-view. That was really well done. Exactly how I should imagine him, too. Be careful, though, when you use semicolons. Anything divided by a semicolon should be two (or more) complete sentences. Thus: “He longed for Draco’s smooth, pallid skin; his perfectly sculpted lips.” does not quite make sense. “His perfectly sculpted lips” is not a complete sentence, and you would do well to simply place a comma between “skin[,] his”.

Oh! Before I forget,—this is a tiny detail and is one most writers do not think about, but I'm a beta and weird about grammar *grins shyly*—when you are describing a boy's hair colour, you will want to use “blond.” When describing a girl's hair colour, it's “blonde.” Just an obscure tip...

“Perhaps his mother had the right of it.” *sniffs* This is such a grim statement: so black and white. In short, marvelous job. It draws the reader right into the story and shows off Blaise's feelings to perfection.

And then that exchange between Blaise and Draco! My goodness. I loved your descriptive style, especially in this sentence: “Blaise lived his life in silence.” Magnifique! Yes, I agree that Draco has never been one to bite his tongue. I think it's very Slytherin of you (and Blaise, of course) to note this. For, even though he loves Draco, that Slytherin calculating and, well, admittedly a little cold nature comes out in his thoughts about Draco.

Ah! Whenever you begin a sentence with an interjection—oh, cor, wow—you usually want to put a comma after it. For the most part. Really, almost always. As a rule of thumb. *grins* For instance: “Oh[,] how he wanted to tell Draco.”

Ooh... Disease!Draco is REALLY smexy. Great metaphor, that... I really liked it. Beautiful. I want Draco to win, too. *winks*

Just a brief note: You might want to work a little on pronoun confusion. Coming from one slash writer to another, it's difficult to distinguish between who's doing WHAT in a romantic moment ... especially when the persons involved are Male/Male or Female/Female. But in a sentence like this one: “His hot breaths caressed his face.”, the reader might have a little difficulty figuring out whose breath is caressing whose face, you know? It might work better as (because this is from Blaise's point-of-view): “[Draco's] hot breaths caressed his face.”

I love the ... internal confusion in Blaise. You really hit it on the nose; you've a knack for writing Blaise and I think you should continue. Yes! By all means, continue. Marvelous job. As anyone would feel—taking the initiative, loving the moment, fearing the reaction—, Blaise does, too. (Confusing sentence, that. *pulls face*) I could feel it all. I try to make others “see” what I see, but you have made me “feel” what your character is feeling ... and that's exquisite.

“A soft hand on his shoulder gave him pause. Arms encircling his waist from behind him caused him to startle slightly. A light kiss on the base of his neck let him believe. The three whispered words in his ear allowed him the grace to smile.” Eep! I think I just died of love. I'm listening to Bill Joel's “Opus 10. Air (Dublinesque)” and reading this Beautiful paragraph ... and I've died from the loveliness of it all. This ... is spectacular. Really marvelous.

Very successful venture, I think. I would love to read more of your work and, as you are a slash authoress, I believe I will be reviewing (hopefully) more often. Wonderful job once again.

~Julia

Hi Kaitlin,

Let me just say—first of all—that I really enjoyed this look into the mind of Alice Longbottom. That foggy land is not a place most writers wish or are even able to traverse; you did an admirable job of doing just that. I particularly enjoyed her preoccupation with “the knot” as one of the steadfast points of her life. For a mentally damaged person, such habits would be immensely comforting and, may I even go so far as to say, fulfilling. And a great tie-in to the HP series with the gum wrapper. It fits right in with what Harry saw: Neville putting the gum wrapper that his mother had given him in his pocket even after Gran scoffed at it (the wrapper).

The entire story is incredibly heartrending; I felt so ... depressed at the end, yet it was an inevitable depression, for I know that nothing can be done to help Alice and Frank. Nonetheless, you have done what JKR has not: shown us a first-person meeting between Alice and her son. To be honest, I wish that JKR had fleshed out Neville's character more in the books, but with wonderful fanfiction writers like yourself, I suppose it wasn't necessary.

Now, before I go, I'd like to suggest a few things—they are minor, but might aid the slightest bit in improving your short story. (Also, let me say right now: I am a grammar-Nazi, and, therefore, most of the mistakes that I mention will be tiny, tiny details that aren't glaring and do not have to be fixed, but could be...)

First, I noticed a run-on in the first paragraph: “Your son Neville is here to see you[;] isn’t that lovely?” By changing the comma to a semicolon, you separate two perfectly good sentences without changing the flow of the sentence.

You know what, allow me to mention—right now—that you are one of the most grammatically precise writers that I have come across here on MNFF. =) *applauds* This chapter contains so few errors and was very well done. The only thing that I have to suggest would be a little more imagery, but then, as this story is told from the point-of-view of a mentally impaired woman, little details of the room, the colours, the smells wouldn't be noticed, would they?

One thing I do have to say, though, is that—as a rule—a large majority of writers/grammarians have begun to place a space after and before an ellipses. For instance, “That voice … she knew that voice!” It simply looks tidier.

“She shook the thought out of her head.” = love, plain and simple. Beautiful.

Also, in the HP world, “healer” is capitalized. Thus, “Healer.”

Besides those few things, however, the story is absolutely lovely. I would like to see more of this tale or, indeed, more of your writing. I thoroughly enjoyed this poignantly lovely look into Alice's memory ... however fleeting her thoughts—and the tale—were. Bravo.

~Julia

Author's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I’m very flattered you consider me one of the most grammatically correct writers here. And I also wish that Jo had done more with Neville’s character, but we can’t have everything. Maybe she’ll give us more in the encyclopedia. As for the grammar, thank you for the tip about the ellipses. I haven’t had an English class in quite a while, so I was unaware writers are doing that now. Also, thank you for the reminder about Healers; I’ll go back and fix that when I get a chance! You are right in that I didn’t imagine Alice noticing little things like smells and colors. However, I can promise you more imagery in future chapters, particularly the one about Molly. Thanks again for the review, and I hope you keep reading!