That was brilliant. I think it deserves a ten. The Gollum thing was not that original, but GREAT! Unoriginal things are unoriginal for the reason that they're the funniest stuff. Okay, well, I loved the flashbacks, and when it said: "Don't leave or go to the toilet I'll kill you", I was frightened for a sec. Haha. I'll read more.

HELLO! That was a brilliant opening chapter. I can't wait to read more! I went into your bio and you seem really cool...because you live on Long Island, New York, and my ultimate heros besides Harry Potter and Captain Planet, are Hal and Roger Hunt from the Amazon Adventure, Cannibal Adventure, African Adventure, Diving Adventure etc. books by Willard Price. Anyway, I've lost track of how I structured that sentence, but they live there, and they have a zoo. Any zoos on Long Island? How big is it anyway. For some reason I'm finding this really cool. *deep breath* Alright, well I suggest you drop Chemistry, seeing as though that's where you started it in. I don't really understand it...I don't want to. *10*

Author's Response: Wow, long respose. Yeah Long Island is pretty cool, I guess. Not really any zoos though. And I don't take chemistry anymore. I probably should have paid attention in it more though rather than write this story seeing as I failed the class.

You're a really good writer. People tell me I'm good, but all the stuff I write, besides the essays on Harry Potter that I manage to do for English, and the awful boring Australian history ones for History all turn sort of ridiculous. I kind of hate my story here now, because I think it's weird and funny, but it sort of is constantly ripping Harry Potter off. When I started it, I was going through a phase of thinking the whole HArry Potter thing was lame. I have now realized how wrong I was. Okay, I'm impressed. I'll stop these tedious crap reviews too.

Author's Response: Thanks for the compliments! I like crap reviews!!

Can you please update? I miss this story.

Author's Response: yeah i kind of fell of the face of the earth didn't i? Expect an update within the next couple weeks

I'd like to see a new chapter, yo?

this is twisted and frankly, i like it! I'd give you an 8 or 9, but frankly, a ten never hurt. I hope your update gets through. GOOD-TYE! Yes, the t is not a spelling mistake. Are you American? Americans don't understand ... at least I don't think ... (It's off little britain).

Author's Response: Yes, I am American. Hopefully not a stupid one, however. *crosses her fingers* It's twisted? I don't know about you, but to me that means it's....kind of like perverted. Is that what you meant?

Really fantastic. Draco really was more interesting in the sixth book. I liked your interpretation of the unbreakable vow, before you knew about it. Interesting. It was well written, and fun to read. Thanks for making this late hour fun ... I love Harry Potter fanfiction.

Author's Response: Weird how the mind can come up with things similar to the Unbreakable Vow at two in the morning, isn't it? That's one reason I was startled when I read chapter 2 of HBP. Anyways, thanks for the review!

ok, the candy bar talks to him. i like dudley quite a lot.

Author's Response: Glad you liked...him?! What about the fic??? *pout* ;)

you know what, i really don't know if you can delete a review. i think you used to be able to? oh well. hope we don't get deleted off the face of the earth. or you could ask a moderator to do it if you get worried about it.
anyway, that's good you're writing non-hp. I've started something/2 things. One is about 30, 000 words so far and i haven't looked at it for like 6 weeks. the other is pretty much non-existent really and it might be better if it stayed that way. i'm not sure. but at the moment i'm just trying to write heaps of short stories for a writing competetion. I need to build up some sort of writing resume before anyone would want to publish me. You should do that too I reckon.

You know what, i've read this story before. it's quite good. let me just say, i am amazed that you/anyone remembered/reviewed my story. it's nice to get feedback, as you know, and it's very sparse these days. And I did write another Harry Potter story. Only 1000 words. Very short. Very satanic. It's been banned from this site, harrypotterfanfiction.com and fanfiction.net. I'm not a part of fanfiction.net and some person put it in their account for me and their whole account got deleted. But, I think you can take it. I'll just post it here. If you think it's disgusting I'll understand. I really will.

Harry Potter was unsatisfied with life. With Hogwarts, with his dead parents, with the Professors. Even the memory of Ron’s violent death no longer gave him comfort or fulfillment. His life was hollow, filled with bitter resentment and the remaining pieces of Voldemort’s soul.
Deciding tofu devon and cream-cheese surprise was sacrilegious to his pagan belief, Harry retreated form the overwhelming stench of students gorging their unthinkable faces in the great hall. Even their eyelashes, which he had once seen so clearly as violently jutting toothpicks now only resembled what they truly were: Dumbledore’s reconstituted flesh, unknowingly pinned to each students’ eyelids in their sleep.
The realization had caused Harry considerable pain, the after-effects of the resulting illness now jilting and trailing at his side, more club than foot.

‘Dear Diary’, our tortured hero scrawled later that night. His quill formed the shapes of words only he could understand.
‘You’re the only one who gets me. You came to me last night in the deepest darkest hour … I know you did. You hideous visage leapt out at me, your furry teeth were clenched, your yellow eyes were rolling in your head.
When are you going to visit me again? I’ve come to crave your spastic touch.

‘Love,
‘Harry Potter’

The diary registered a new tint of insanity to Harry’s words. Then it continued on with its humdrum correspondence course in accounting.


***


“Nobody understands what I’m going through,” Harry sighed, reluctantly facing the calloused face of Professor McGonagall. “Nobody cares.”
Professor McGonagall despised Harry Potter; everybody did. But the cultural hierarchy of celebrity demanded respect. She punished her tortured mind and withheld her livid riposte, the anger instead bursting through her deteriorating skin.
Harry Potter watched bemusedly as Professor McGonagall bled from every orifice. Three minutes later he threw her bloody cadaver through the window in her office. It fell rapidly to the lake far below, obliterated from any recognition by the force of impact.
Feeling as though something was finally going right, Harry drew his cloak around his eager face and swept from the room.


***


The school body celebrated the absence of Professor McGonagall the next day. It was widely known Harry Potter was responsible for her death, (he had boasted of it at breakfast), and the sight of the giant squid fondling and feasting on her bloody remains was the stuff of legends. The news of her death spread quickly throughout the wizarding community. Over the next week owls began to arrive in their hundreds, witches and wizards volunteering themselves for a repeat performance, eager for the Giant Squid’s tender touch. The feeling of razor-sharp suckers on the flesh (even in death) was an attractive prospect for all concerned. It was one of the first things new Hogwarts students learnt, and surely had market potential.


Embracing the sounds of sensual screaming and snapping synapses issuing from the Great Lake, the Professors and students continued gleefully on with their day-to-day activities.
But one person wasn’t happy: our antagonist hero, the boy who lived.

Harry still felt misunderstood. In the world, he had a total of three friends, which is one more than you might think. Moaning Myrtle was the first, but she was currently immersed in a messy seduction with Professor Flitwick.
“But I’m a teacher!” Harry heard the Professor protest to her one evening. “You’re a student. It’s not right!”
“I died over fifty years ago,” Myrtle sobbed in reply. “Say it Filius! Say you love me as much as I love you!”

The Giant Squid was Harry’s second best friend. But of course, he had all of his arms full lately, what with the constant caressing and pleasuring he now found himself practicing. He felt trapped. He was nothing to his clients, not really. Only an object, something to use.
The life of a lake prostitute wasn’t suiting him at all. His tentacles were bruised and tired, and Snape who in charge of payment and admission to the lake reaped all the rewards.
‘A few first-years once a year was all I really ever needed,’ the Squid realized with a mournful sigh.

The Whomping Willow was Harry Potter’s third best friend. But even dear old Whompy seemed distant to Harry. They’d used to spend lonely nights harbouring each other’s darkest thoughts and fears, rocking together in the tree’s majestic boughs, holding each other tight.
But no longer. Ever since ‘Harry Potter and the Mysterious Seed’ had spawned an ent-wife, the Whomping Willow had been too pre-occupied beating the wretched thing away to harbour any agonized secrets. The love had dissipated from its tree-hole into the sky. The hole remained, which photosynthesis could not fill.

Just as Harry Potter’s misery seemed just too much to express on paper, he caught sight of Hermione sitting a little way down at the Gryffindor dinner table. She was by herself and looked just as misunderstood as Harry felt. A hope gleamed in his tortured soul. Perhaps his answer was staring him in the face. Maybe it had been all along.
“Say Hermione,” Harry started.
“Yes?” Hermione’s enormous teeth answered, her fierce gaze intensified by eyebrows that had stopped being eyebrows long ago.
“I was just wondering – ”

DEAD

EVERYBODY

(FINIS)

Ha! It's horrible, sn't it. It makes me a sick just to read it, but I'm laughing quite a bit which is worrying.
I wrote another story but it's even more horrific and so I think it's best if I burn it.

This was a long comment. I was just excited to get a review.

Author's Response: Haha! XD!! Well, I don\'t quite get the ending how it goes \"I was just wondering -\" DEAD EVERBODY .... Kinda confusing ;D!! And it\'s not horrible! It\'s actually good! Except for like the bloody parts which were a bit graphic XD But I could take it! And why were they cheering that Harry killed McGonagall.... Ah well!! Thanks for the review! :D! And do you think I should delete this review? Would they do anything to me? Like delete my account <=O!! Well...Thanks for your review ;D!!!