Busy Mum of two children. Snape and Lupin fan. Fan of intelligent thought-provoking fan fiction. Also a member of the Circle of Crones(.co.uk) website
Yes! Excellent! I can just imagine harry pushing her away, going into self destruct mode. You show Ginny's firey nature without being too cliched. The intimacy shattered, and only Ginny can tell him a few home truths. Mature and elegant, I like how your dialogue flows.
Author's Response: Thanks a lot. Glad you liked it!
'Giving his sightly unwilling chuckle.' That is a fantastic observation! I can imagine Harry really resenting the uncontrollable urge to laugh. I like his conversation with Dumbledore, though it did surprise me he confided in him. You showed his awkwardness and angst well. I can't wait to read on and see how Ginny feels. This is very good for a first effort.
Author's Response: Lol thanks a lot. Yes, I know that Harry's confiding in Dumbledore is possibly not the most expected of turns, but I thought it was necessary for the development of the story, and for him to resolve his own issues, and the only person I could think of who could make him see that he didn't need to push Ginny away was Dumbledore.
Nice switch to the first person here, and it gives Ginny more depth and richness. You can feel her frustration and anger but also her love and devotion. One small thing I would like you to watch out for. When writing the teenagers, it's easy to fall into the habit of making them swear, and of course they would. But don't be tempted to use it too much, or it detracts from the story. You've got it balanced enough here, so it's fine. I'm a canon purist when it comes to that....and don't get me started on Remus or Snape swearing!!! Only at times of extreme duress would they lose that control! Again, an excellent chapter, showing a thoughtful and gifted author.
Author's Response: Yes, while I was writing this chapter I was constantly aware of the amount that I was making Ginny swear - wondering if it was too much, whether I should cut it down, whether it would be out of place etc. In the end I decided not to meddle with what I'd already written, because at the end of the day she IS a teenager and, well, teenagers swear. I'd know, being one myself. You need not fear that I would make my characters swear too much - in fact that's the most swearing you're ever likely to see, and it crops up simply because these are her internal thoughts. She may well think things that she would not necessarily say out loud.
Beautifully worded, you convey Harry's thoughts so well in this chapter it makes my heart break. His dilemma is so tangible and true. This is fanfiction of high quality indeed.
Author's Response: I am truly honored. Thank you.
Author's Response: I've just realised who you are - I'm even more pleased that you're enjoying my story given that I think yours is so very well written. Thought I'd add it on. Thank you!
Your descriptions of Ginny's image haunting Harry are beautiful. Hermione fulfils her role as the sensible one and your dialogue from Ron, and the way you portray his shock is amusing. A transitional chapter,yes, but certainly not dull.
Author's Response: I'm glad you thought that description was beautiful - I was particularly pleased with that bit and you're the first person to comment on it.
Oh the suspense! Filled with emotion, it's nice to read a Harry story where the emotion isn't anger. I like the use of an inner voice in places and how there is no immediate passion or kiss. Your descriptive passage as they run across the grounds is especially good, and the part about her scent and his heart was poetic. That ending? You know how to capture your reader's attention!
Author's Response: Yay! Thanks. Always nice to know. Once again, you're the first person to mention the descriptive bit but it's nice to know that someone's picking up on the places where the most effort went in to the writing.