Tonks thought, at first, that it was her day to die. The jet of red light fired by Bellatrix caught her side, and unprotected, she tumbled down, down, down, bouncing limply off the tiered stone steps. Her spirit seemed to rise above the melee and she could see her body slumped against a wall. Seconds later, she watched as Sirius ran forward to take over her duel.

***

She had been at Grimmauld Place when Snape’s owl had flown to them. She had pulled the heavy drapes apart and unfastened the latch, rusty with age, on the window, upsetting the large moss covered bucket of flowers over the wooden floor below the window. Sirius, she remembered, had laughed. However, the laughter had stopped when Remus had read the message –Harry is in danger.

Despite her pleadings and Remus’ impassioned words, Sirius would not stay behind. The months of inactivity, the months spent in the childhood home he’d sworn he would never return to, the unfairness that his criminal status rendered him impotent had surged through him. What did he care if he was caught? What did it matter if he died? Harry was in trouble and Sirius would not let his godson down the way he’d let down James. He had grabbed his wand and Apparated straight there.

***

The curtain over the arch fluttered as she drew nearer. She could hear voices calling; seductive voices telling her to walk through. Tonks paused only when Dumbledore appeared. She stopped and looked back at him. The white, shining goodness that usually emanated from him had solidified into fury.

She felt relief.

Sirius continued the fight, taunting his mad cousin as she capered around him. Tonks was floating near them, drawing ever closer to the veil and was the first to see the curse that hit him squarely in the chest. She watched him fall backwards through the archway and then she thudded back into her own body.

Mad-Eye was pleading with her to wake up but she did not want to open her eyes, to see what she had already seen. She could hear Remus talking to Harry and she could hear Harry’s anguish, his bitterness and his fury. She heard as Harry ran off after his godfather’s murderer and then Remus called her name. She moved her hand slightly to show she was still alive, and he knelt down beside her. Demanding a stretcher, he began to organise her transfer to St Mungo’s, shouting down the blustering voice of Fudge who had insisted they all stay there to report to him.

“I’m not in your employ, Fudge. You have no authority over me and she’s badly hurt.�

It took Moody’s threats and Lupin’s barely controlled anger to get her out of there, and by that time a simple charm would not work on her shattered bones. Kingsley and Moody, she discovered later, had been discharged almost immediately. Their wounds were not severe; it seemed their experience had proved a better shield than her youth. Briefly Remus’ voice had revived her but, unable to bear the sharp pain of loss, to know she’d never see Sirius again, she kept her eyes shut. She was unwilling to look at him, not wanting him to confirm that Sirius was dead and that it was her fault he’d lost his last friend.

The scent of roses in the air.

She was still drowsy, so very drowsy, but the Healers would not let her sleep.

“Not yet, Nymphadora. Stay with us, dear.�

In the background she could hear someone breathing, so faint, but she recognised the quietest of sounds. Remus had stayed with her and had not gone to Harry.

“Sorry, Remus,� she tried to say, but the words wouldn’t come. She could taste blood on her lips. She thought perhaps her head was bleeding but she couldn’t raise her hand to check.

Blood Red.

Further back she could hear another sound, equally familiar – but that was impossible.

“Tonks,� said Sirius. “Don’t be stubborn. Go back.�

“It’s my fault,� she said to him.

“Why do you think that?�

“I should have stopped her.�

“She’s a strong witch, Tonks,� he said ruefully, and she could now see him in front of her. He rubbed the side of his face; a gesture he used when he was trying to think of what to say.

“I’m younger and faster,� protested Tonks.

“She has knowledge. She knows how to kill,� he replied.

“So do I,� she declared.

“But you haven’t killed, have you?� he stated.

“N-no, not yet,� she stammered.

“She enjoys it, Tonks. You could not have beaten her today.�

“Then I should have stopped you leaving Grimmauld Place.�

He laughed that bark of a laugh. “Dumbledore himself could not have stopped me from protecting Harry.�

There was a long pause. Far away, Tonks could hear Remus questioning the Healers. There is concern in his voice, she thought wistfully.

“Go back, Tonks,� repeated Sirius.

And then he was gone.

The scent of a blood red rose.

She opened her eyes a while later to see Remus sleeping in a chair next to her bed wearing ripped robes and fresh scars. Her gaze flickered to something red on the bedside cabinet - a rose, a beautiful blood red rose. She reached for it, knocking over a glass by its side.

Remus stirred at the sound of the glass hitting the cabinet. “You’re awake,� he said simply. The relief in his voice was apparent.

“Wotcher,� she said feebly. “Ta for the rose.�

“Oh, it’s not from me, Tonks. You must have an admirer,� he said, a touch sadly.

She reached across the cabinet and picked it up. Underneath the rose there was some writing on a scrap of parchment.

‘Like rosebushes, the best houses need regular pruning, Nymphadora.’

***

Tonks lay in her old bed in her childhood home and blinked at the daylight shining through the half opened curtains. She had no idea how long she’d slept. All she knew was that she didn’t want to be here. She had wanted to go back to her own flat but Andromeda’s formidable expression was not to be argued with so she had agreed to come back here. A sound from the garden came through the open window; she got up to have a look. Strolling outside in old clothes was her dad. He loved his garden and could often be found outside tending to it like a Muggle. Her bedroom door opened as Andromeda entered bearing a tray.

“Good, you’re up. I brought your lunch but if you’d rather eat downstairs...�

Tonks turned away from the window. “Just leave it, Mum,� she said, and then adding as an afterthought, “Thanks.�

Andromeda placed the tray on the bedside table but instead of leaving she sat on the bed.

Oh, bugger! thought Tonks. She has her ‘I want to have a chat, Nymphadora,’ face on.

“Nymphadora, I want to have a chat,� said Andromeda firmly.

Tonks smothered a grin and sat on the bed next to her.

“Sirius,� said Andromeda bleakly. “You need to accept he’s gone.�

“What, like accepting he was guilty?� said Tonks sarcastically.

Andromeda blanched. “We didn’t know, Nymphadora. No one knew the truth.�

Tonks was tired of this conversation. She had gone through childhood living under the cloud of the Black family and her mother's refusal to talk to her about it.

‘He’s guilty, Nymphadora, that’s all you need to know.’

‘We do not speak of Bellatrix, Nymphadora. She is not in our lives.’

But to a young girl growing up with such a background she’d needed to talk and needed to find out why they had done such terrible things.


“You were so willing to believe though, Mum. He was your cousin and you left him to rot in Azkaban.�

“What would you have had me do?� asked her mother, her eyes flashing. “I had to keep my head down for your sake, and he admitted he was responsible.�

“Responsible, Mum, not GUILTY! How could you believe he’d sell out his friends?�

“Because I know what the Black family are capable of,� said Andromeda fiercely.

There was a silence that froze the room. Tonks could hear her dad whistling a light, cheerful tune outside her window. It reminded her of happier times when she’d been much younger.

“Nymphadora,� said Andromeda with a resigned tone in her voice, “that’s not why I want to speak to you. I know I was mistaken about his guilt but I am not mistaken about his death.� She paused then cupped her daughter’s face in her hands and looked directly into her eyes. “Sirius is dead. You have to move on.�

She got up and moved to the door. Tonks heard her leave but was unable to reply. Her parents thought the reason she kept to her room was because she couldn’t accept his death but that wasn’t the reason. She had shut herself in here all week because she knew it should have been her. If she’d kept moving she would have gone on and Sirius would still be alive. Harry would not be alone and Remus... She did not want to think about Remus. She reached under her pillow for the small scrap of parchment from the hospital. She put on a dressing gown and walked outside. Her dad was deadheading roses.

“Hi, Dora,� he said. “It’s nice to see you up and about.�

“Can I do that?� she asked shortly. Tonks inclined her head towards the roses. It was a task she’d always shared with her dad when she was younger. They would giggle together as they raced to see who could pull off the most heads.

“All yours love,� he replied, and then gave her arm a squeeze.

She began to pick off the rose heads.

“Do you remember your Sorting, Dad?� she asked suddenly.

If Ted was surprised at the question he showed no sign.

“As if it were yesterday, Dora,� he replied. “I was terrified. A Muggle-born amongst all those children from wizarding families.�

“And when the Hat put you in Hufflepuff, what did you think?� she asked.

“I was grateful to be at Hogwarts. I didn’t care about the House.� He paused. “What’s the matter, Dora? Are you not proud to be a ‘Puff?�

She shrugged. “Yeah, of course. But sometimes...� She paused and looked down at her feet. “The Hat asked me if I wanted to be in Gryffindor but I turned it down.�

“If you wanted to be a Gryffindor then why did you turn it down?� asked Ted. “There wouldn’t have been a problem.�

“Oh, come on, Dad!� exclaimed Tonks. “Sirius was in Azkaban and another Black in Gryffindor wouldn’t have stood a chance!� She pulled at a rose head and threw it violently onto the ground. “I wasn’t brave enough,� she finished awkwardly.

“You’re certainly brave enough, Dora,� said Ted sharply. “No one can doubt your courage, or your brains, but you’re also loyal and that’s why the Hat put you in Hufflepuff.�

He picked up the sack of rose heads and grass cuttings and walked back to the house, leaving Tonks in front of the last and largest rose bush. Its flowers were the colour of blood.

‘Like rosebushes, the best houses need regular pruning, Nymphadora.’

Tonks brought out her wand and with a swooping motion she conjured a sword. She swung at the bush in a graceful arc, spilling the roses and the branches over the ground.

“There, Bellatrix,� she screamed. “Are you happy now?�

Ted looked at his daughter hacking away whilst the tears ran down her cheeks. She was wrecking his prized rose bush but he didn’t care. Dora was coming back to life as the blood red roses died.

The next day Tonks Apparated back to her own flat with a fierce sense of purpose and it was there that she found an owl from Albus Dumbledore. It was an invitation for ‘tea’.

She could have used the Floo Network to travel directly to his office but decided to Apparate to Hogsmead, preferring to walk up to the school and enjoy the fresh air. In the village she noticed students enjoying their last weekend, the sun shining brightly on their laughing faces. She looked around, hoping, yet also dreading, that she’d see Harry. However neither Harry nor any of the students who fought at the Ministry were out that day. She could see the Shrieking Shack across the field and smiled as she remembered the stories she’d heard about it. Discovering that the fearsome monster had in fact been Remus Lupin had made her laugh until she realised how painful his transformations had been.

There in front of her lay Hogwarts. Despite her sadness she could not help but feel uplifted at the sight of her old school. It was here she had found friends and it was here she’d found her calling. She’d been determined to prove that not all members of the House of Black were dark wizards, but Professor Sprout had been astonished when she’d announced her wish to be an Auror. Sprout had sat her down and gently explained that only the best got accepted and her marks, especially in Potions, were unlikely to be good enough. But Tonks-the-Zealot had the bit between her teeth. She’d redoubled her efforts and had been rewarded in almost every subject. It was Potions she feared would let her down, especially as Professor Snape was exasperated by her clumsiness. In the end she had approached him directly and, keeping her hair colour normal, begged him for private tuition. Under his expert eye she’d blossomed and her mark crept from Exceeds Expectations to the required Outstanding. She’d always believed Snape favoured the Slytherins, but Tonks knew now that he had appreciated her diligence and willingness to be taught.

She found her thoughts had kept her company up the steps to Dumbledore’s office.

“Pear drops,� she said to the stone gargoyle that let her pass.

“Ah, Nymphadora, how kind of you to call,� said Professor Dumbledore from behind his desk. He got up and summoned a chair for her. “Tea?� he suggested.

“Yes, thank-you, sir,� she replied.

“Please, Nymphadora, call me ‘Albus’, or ‘Dumbledore’, or even ‘silly old coot’. Needn’t call me ‘sir’ anymore - you are not my student.�

“Okay...err...Albus,� she said awkwardly.

He smiled warmly. “You may be wondering why I have asked you here today.�

“Mmm,� she said. “I thought it may have something to do with my next posting, or perhaps a debrief?�

“In a way, Nymphadora, it is a debrief.� He looked at her through his half moon spectacles. “A debrief of Sirius Black’s life.�

She clattered the dainty china cup onto the table, spilling her tea. Hastily, she tried to siphon the liquid off his polished desk. He waited before continuing.

“There was no body, of course, so we cannot have a funeral, but I wondered if you would care to share your memories of your cousin with others.�

“My memories of Sirius...uh...I’m not sure about this,� she stuttered.

“Not sure? Why?� he asked.

She looked straight into his eyes. “The only thing I can remember at this moment is his death. I don’t think that’s a very good memory to share,� she said bluntly. Then she sighed and stood up, intending to leave. “I’m sorry, Sir...err...Albus, but there’s a block in my head that seems to be preventing anything happy coming through.�

Dumbledore frowned. “Will you permit me to try something?�

She nodded. Dumbledore stepped in front of her and lightly touched her temples with his fingertips. She felt as if something was swirling around her mind. There was an extreme coldness pervading her body, then slowly, very slowly, the warmth crept back into her. Dumbledore let go and stepped back. In his hand was a silvery streak of gossamer thread that he’d extracted from her. He placed it in her hand.

“This is an old memory, Nymphadora. It has lain dormant for far too long. Place it in the Pensieve over there. It is for you to enjoy, alone.�

Silently, he glided from the room leaving her with the wisp of silver. She approached the Pensieve and dropped the memory in. Instantly, the liquid swirled and she could see a picture forming. It was Sirius. Without hesitation she plunged her face into its depths and found herself falling. She landed back in her parents’ house, but it looked different. There were toys everywhere and the furniture was higgledy-piggledy as if someone had been building a castle with the cushions and the chairs. She heard a giggle and saw a small child, aged about three, hiding behind a sofa.

“Come out, come out wherever you are,� said a voice.

Tonks saw the child huddle further behind the sofa. She looked round apprehensively, there approaching the sofa was Sirius. He must have been about sixteen. His grey eyes were alive with merriment, his face so handsome it made her heart burst, and he wore a grin that lit up the room.

“Nymphadora, where are you?� he cooed.

The little girl behind the sofa stood up. “Don’t call me that name. It’s silly!� she said. She stamped her foot furiously and her hair rippled red with rage.

Sirius jumped back in mock alarm. “What am I to call you then, cousin? Dora or Nympha? Or perhaps just Tonks?�

She thought for a while. “Tonks, you can call me Tonks,� she declared.

He rushed over to her and picked her up in his arms, twirling and twirling her round the room until she shrieked with delight.

Tonks landed back in Dumbledore’s study with a bump. She had met Sirius all those years ago – how could she have forgotten?

The door opened behind her as someone else entered the room. It was Remus. He crouched down beside her as she lay on the floor. She noticed his brown eyes were warm with tenderness and concern.

“Are you hurt?� he asked.

She smiled widely. “No, I’m absolutely fine.�

“What are you doing down there?� enquired Remus.

She beamed at him. “I’m reliving the life of Sirius Black,� she said. “Do you want to join me?�

He sat next to her and smiled. The last time Remus had seen her she’d been huddled up in a hospital bed, closer to death than anyone had realised. Then her parents had whisked her away to her childhood home and he’d wondered when he’d see her again.

“Why are you lying down to relive his life, Tonks?�

She laughed at him. “Didn’t you always tell me he had a colourful love life at Hogwarts?�

He smiled ruefully. “That he did. I couldn’t keep track of his exploits.� He looked across at the Pensieve. “Is that what you were watching?� he asked in disbelief.

“Merlin, no! I’ve just seen a memory of me with Sirius when I was about three. I’d forgotten we’d met.�

Remus grinned at her. “He left home that summer, meaning to go to James’ parents, but first he visited your mum and dad.�

She gazed into his eyes which were alight with the memories of his friend.

“How do you know all this?� she asked.

He pulled out a wad of papers from his jacket pocket. “Here,� he said. “Letters from Sirius from that summer and beyond. Dumbledore thought you and Harry might be interested.�

She rolled over onto her stomach and opened one of them dated July 1976.

‘Dear Moony,’ she read.

Glad to hear your OWL results were so good - you swot! At least one of the Marauders is a credit to his family. My old Ma took exception to me taking Muggle Studies, so she decided to ‘curse the impudence’ out of me. Anyway, I’ve left for good now and will be staying here with Prongs till the beginning of term.
I had a great trip up here. I decided to go and see my cousin, Andromeda Tonks - the one that married a Muggle-born and got blasted off the Family Tree - she’s got a kid now; a cheeky three year old girl who can change her hair to every colour in the rainbow. I swear she’s the cleverest kid alive. Her name is Nymphadora but she won’t let anyone call her that - she hates it with a passion and I must say I see her point. Merlin knows why Meda saddled such a bright spark with such a dreadful name. I re-named her Tonks, and, much to Meda and Ted’s annoyance, she won’t answer to anything else now.
It’s great being here at the Potters apart from James continually sighing over Lily Evans. Godric, he can be boring at times. If he doesn’t get over her soon I’m going to hex him. Can’t wait for you and Wormtail to get here, then we can all make him see sense. Although, he’s talking about re-doubling his efforts to win her, so that should be a laugh! I don’t know how much more of a prat he can possibly become, but next year should be fun!

Get here soon!

Padfoot.

There were tears in her eyes as she read and re-read the letter.

“You blew him away,� he said. “Never forget that.�

She lay back down on the floor of Dumbledore’s study and smiled such a heart-warming smile that he threw aside his usual caution.

“You blow me away too,� he whispered.

It was a completely inappropriate setting for their first kiss but somehow he thought Sirius would approve.

It was the thunderstorm that pulled them apart. Tonks could see the lightening flashing through the high, almost ecclesiastical windows of Dumbledore’s study. Then she heard the rain drumming on the roof.

“Come on,� said Remus as he stood up. “Let’s go. I’m sure Dumbledore needs his office back.�

He pulled her up to standing and led her to the door.

“Do you have somewhere else to be?� she asked.

He heard the small note of dejection in her voice and smiled. It was a smile that lit up his face and made him look like a teenager again. She could see the Marauder in him, the boy that Sirius and James had wanted to be friends with, and she saw the man she loved.

“We have somewhere else to be, Tonks,� he said. “We need to go out and celebrate the life of Sirius Black!�

“Where are we going?� she cried as they ran down the staircase together like children.

“Wait and see, Nymphadora,� he teased.

They ran through the grounds of Hogwarts, little caring that they were getting soaked with rain. On the boundary of Hogwarts he caught her by the waist, and together they turned three times, feeling the familiar squeezing sensation as they Apparated. They landed in the side alley of a busy street, disturbing a cat that had crawled into a box to escape the rain.

“In here,� called Remus, trying to make himself heard over the storm.

“Let me dry off first,� she said, and cast a drying spell around them. “Tell me where we are, Remus.�

“This is a pub that Sirius used to go to. The flat he bought with Alphard’s money was across the street,� explained Remus. “It was rough in those days but Sirius kept coming back because he liked the barmaid. He stuck out like a sore thumb and the other locals ignored him at first. Then he...acquired a new skill at darts and they were clamouring for him to be on the darts team.�

“’He...acquired a new skill at darts,’� she quoted back at him. “So what did he do?�

Remus’ answer was lost as they stepped into the pub that was now blaring out loud music. It was no longer the rough ‘spit and sawdust’ pub he remembered from eighteen years before. It had undergone a massive revamp and was now a sparkling, shining metro bar complete with mirrored ceilings and black marble flooring.

“Godric, this is ghastly,� he said.

The drinkers were no longer the old men Sirius had enjoyed a beer with; they were young, hard faced men talking loudly to their friends, and girls with uniformly straight, long, blonde hair that they kept flicking over their shoulders. Tonks was pleased she’d worn her only skirt for tea with Professor Dumbledore, but she still felt horribly out of place.

“Shall I change?� she asked. “My appearance, I mean. I could get my hair like that in a trice.�

“Don’t you dare!� whispered Remus, flicking her nose. “You’re perfect as you are.�

He found a small table and they looked through the drinks menu.

“I don’t know any of these drinks,� she said, “Don’t they have beer or something?�

A waiter came over and looked at them disparagingly.

“We’ll have – “ Remus paused, eyes darting across the menu, “that.�
The waiter inclined his head a fraction and walked off.

“What did you order?� she asked.

“I’ve no idea,� he said desperately.

The waiter returned with two small glasses, some slices of lime and a salt pot. He placed them on the table; Remus and Tonks stared uncomprehendingly at the objects and began to giggle. The waiter returned with a large bottle of an amber liquid. He poured some into the two glasses then he started to walk away.

“Excuse me, mate,� said Tonks. “Sorry to be so dim, but what is this all for?�

The waiter turned back and looked directly at her. She smiled up at him and he seemed to warm to her.

“Tequila Slammers, sweetheart,� he explained and he took her wrist. “You put some salt on here and lick it, then you down your shot, and then you bite into the lime.�

“Why?� asked Remus.

The waiter looked at him with distaste. He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know. You ordered it!�

Tonks winked at the waiter and began to lick the salt from her wrist. Next she downed her drink in one and reached for the lime. “Oh, Remus, come on. This is fun!� she said.

He followed her lead and began to grin. The drink and its ritual seemed quite stupid, unnecessary, and crazy, but he could almost see a young Sirius at the table with them, knocking back more shots than anyone.

Tonks stopped after three, suddenly aware that they would have to pay for all these drinks. “Do you have any Muggle money on you?� she asked him.

“Yeah, don’t worry. I’m not going to pay in charmed Galleons and risk getting caught by Arthur for Muggle baiting,� he whispered back. “Having said that, I think that last round has cleaned me out so we’d better leave.�

She got up and tripped over her own foot. Unsteady at the best of times, with a drink inside her Tonks was a walking, or rather tripping, disaster.

“Oopsie!� she said loudly. The clientele at the bar looked at her disdainfully. She gave them all a low bow. “My cousin Sirius Black says ‘Enjoy’.� She began to screw up her face and Remus scented danger.

“You can’t change here, Tonks,� he hissed. She looked at him with a mischievous glint in her eyes. “Behave, Nymphadora,� he pleaded.

She held his gaze then slowly relaxed her face, smiling at him all the while. Then they walked out into the night.

They Apparated back to her flat. Or rather Remus had Apparated and she had clung onto him, worried that she might splinch herself in her condition.

“What else did Sirius like to do?� she asked him.

“This,� explained Remus. He bent his head down and began to kiss her on the lips. She responded immediately and he could see her hair colour turning an intense pink. He pulled away. “But Sirius’ version was more explicit, Tonks.�

They lay down on her sofa, sometimes kissing, sometimes talking, but often silent. They remembered Sirius as a cousin, as a friend, and celebrated the fact that they’d shared his life.

Tonks was still curled up on the sofa with Remus when Mad-Eye’s Patronus arrived. The large snarling bulldog told them he was already at the ‘rendezvous’ and where the hell were they?

“Remus,� she whispered. “Wake-up, Mad-Eye’s on the warpath. Something about a ‘rendezvous’?�

Remus woke with a start and sat bolt upright. “Merlin, I’d forgotten all about it. That’s what I was supposed to be talking to you about yesterday but I ...err... got distracted,� he said, flushing slightly.

She giggled. “What’s Mad-Eye’s plan then?�

“Oh, it was Arthur and Molly’s actually,� he said. “They want some of us to go to King’s Cross to meet Harry and talk to his aunt and uncle. Are you coming?�

She got up and grinned. “Try and keep me away. Just give me a chance to freshen-up and change. I don’t really feel like myself in a skirt.�

Tonks rushed to her bedroom and pulled on her favourite purple Weird Sisters t-shirt and a pair of heavily patched jeans that she adored. She ran out of the room to see Remus pulling on his threadbare overcoat.

“Ready?� he asked, smiling at her.

“Ready,� she said, smiling back.

They linked arms and Apparated to King’s Cross together.

It was still raining when they arrived, causing Tonks to shiver. Remus offered her his coat and when she declined he went off to get her a coffee instead. There was no sign of Mad-Eye or the Weasleys.

She hopped up and down on alternate feet to keep warm. July weather in England, she thought. You can always count on rain.

Remus returned with her coffee. She warmed her hands around the cup. He bent forwards, intent on giving her a kiss, but was interrupted by a familiar clunking sound.

“Nymphadora,� growled Mad-Eye. “Good of you to drop by. Are you fully recovered now?�

“Yeah, Mad-Eye, I’m fine,� she replied.

“Kingsley will be pleased,� said Mad-Eye. He turned to Remus. “Lupin, Dumbledore wants to see you after this. You were meant to speak with him yesterday but he missed you.�

Tonks sniggered as Remus blushed. “I’ll see him straight after this, Alastor,� he said firmly.

A clatter of trolleys and four people, two of them wearing lurid green, shiny jackets, heralded the arrival of the Weasleys.

“Tonks,� sighed Molly, “how are you, dear? You must come round for supper soon. Bill’s back working for Gringotts and I’m sure he’d love to meet you. You too, Remus,� she added as an afterthought.

“Very subtle, Mum,� George commented.

“Bill’s got himself a girlfriend,� explained Fred.

“And Mum doesn’t like her,� continued George.

“She’s obviously decided that you’re more suitable,� finished Fred.

Tonks grinned at them. “Wotcher, lads! I do like your jackets. Do you know where I can get them in purple? “

“It’s nearly time for the train,� said Arthur. “I can’t see Harry’s relatives anywhere.�

“They’re over there,� said Fred. He pointed across the platform to three Muggles. Tonks could see Harry’s aunt looking across at them and shuddering.

“That Dudley’s certainly spotted us,� said George. “He’s hiding behind his dad.�

“Best not to offer him any sweets, eh, George,� said Fred.

“Probably not, Fred, probably not,� sniggered George.

Molly looked at them with disapproval. She opened her mouth to say something but was interrupted by Remus.

“Look, there’s Harry. He’s coming through now.�

Tonks looked across at the barrier. Harry looked so cold and so alone. She stopped smiling. She and Remus had been so intent on remembering their Sirius that they’d forgotten about Sirius-the-Godfather.

***

When Harry had left with his relatives and Remus had gone to see Dumbledore, Tonks decided to go to Diagon Alley.

“I’ll meet you there in about an hour,� Remus had said as he’d kissed her on the cheek.

She wandered around the shops. She’d loved it here as a kid. The excitement of buying her first wand, her text books and all the noises from the Owl Emporium still held such wonderful memories. Her favourite shop, however, was the Apothecary. She loved the smells and the exciting things she could create. An idea was forming in her head.

An hour later she sat outside Florean Fortescue's enjoying an ice cream. She was just wondering where Remus was when he turned up.

“Great,� she exclaimed. “You’re here. Look, I got you a present.� She placed a wrapped box into his hands.

Remus didn’t move. His eyes flickered to her face and then to the box. They seemed dead.

“Remus,� she said, “what’s the matter? Has something happened?�

He sat down, unable to nod or shake his head, it seemed. She took the box from him and held one of his hands. He pulled away from her.

“Don’t,� he said in a muffled voice.

“Remus, what’s wrong?� she said soothingly. “Is someone hurt?�

He shook his head. She tried to take his hand again but he pulled it away violently.

“Remus,� she said, starting to get worried, “tell me what the problem is. Is it me? Have I done something wrong?�

He laughed bitterly. “You have done nothing wrong. How could you? You’re whole.�

She was confused and scared now at the change in him. Unable to think of what to say, she started opening the box. Inside was a bottle, filled with a bronze coloured liquid.

“Remus,� she whispered, “look at this. I bought it for you.�

Dully, he lifted his eyes from the table and looked at the bottle.

“Oh, Godric, no!� he cried.

She bit her lip, wondering what on earth she’d done wrong. There was a long silence. She could see her ice cream melting to liquid in her glass. After a while, when Remus’ long shuddering breaths had finished, he took her hands in his. She was comforted by the contact and squeezed his fingers. Whatever it was that was troubling him, they could overcome it.

“I’ve got my next assignment, Tonks,� he said sadly and he gazed into her eyes as if he wanted to capture them in his mind forever. “Dumbledore wants me to go and live with the werewolves.�

She looked at him in horror.

“I can’t be with you any more, Tonks, as much as I want to.� His eyes slid to the bottle. “I’d take the Wolfsbane back. I’m sure they’ll refund it for you.�

She did not rage at him, but she stared into his deadened eyes and felt the life drain out of her.

“Please, Remus,� she whispered. “Please don’t go. Don’t leave me.�

He kept hold of her hands, knowing he had to let go, knowing that soon he would have to set off to find the werewolf lair.

“Tonks,� he said gently, “I have to do this. It might help. We need to stop Greyback; he’s a vital weapon in Voldemort’s army.�

“Fenrir Greyback?� she asked, her eyes widening in horror. “No, Remus, he can’t ask this of you. Dumbledore has no right to expect this – you’re not an Auror for Merlin’s sake!�

“No,� he replied bitterly, “I’m not an Auror, or a Professor, or even a proprietor of a joke shop. I’m nothing, Nymphadora, except a werewolf.�

She wasn’t sure if it was him using her hated first name that caused the tears to spill down her cheeks, but she knew at that moment that he was lost to her.

He slowly, but with determination, removed her hands from his and stood up.

“Find someone else, Tonks,� he said quietly. “Find someone whole.�

***

She walked back to her flat wondering if she’d find peace, but the loss of Remus following so close to Sirius’ death was now too much to bear. She wept great convulsive sobs long into the evening. She felt she would rather break in two than feel this pain again.

Then, finally, as a pale half moon flickered feebly through her skylight window, she slept.

She is walking, barefoot, across a field. The sun beats down on her bare shoulders; she is burning and wants to stop but she is walking forwards, ever forwards. There is something she needs to do, something she needs to find but she cannot say what this is. She will know when she finds it. The grass gives way to stonier ground and she cuts her feet. She slows her pace and looks towards the horizon. There is something there, something she wants. She quickens her pace but her feet are hurting, the pain is intense; she feels as if her skin is getting sliced off. She is almost there. She smiles; she is at her destination. She’s laughing as she spots something blue on the stones beneath her feet. Blue like her father’s eyes. Blue like the ribbons her mother once tied in her hair. Blue like the early evening sky she had walked under last night. But there are no stones. She has not been walking on rocks. She has been walking on skulls, and the ribbon, the beautiful, shiny blue ribbon is nothing but a memory. The fetid air of this field of death invades her senses. She wants to run a different path but this is the only way for her now.

***

The Order of the Phoenix met the next day. Forced out of Grimmauld Place by the death of Sirius and the possibility that Bellatrix now owned the house, they’d decamped to The Burrow. They were sitting around the Weasleys’ large kitchen table. Tonks sat, huddled next to Bill, who was holding hands with Fleur under the table. She had chosen to sit as far away from Remus as possible. There was an empty chair next to him; she could have sat there but that place was for the fallen. That chair was for Sirius.

Remus had reported back that he’d found the werewolf lair and would be infiltrating it after the next full moon. She did not look up but kept her eyes firmly fixed on the floor.

“Nymphadora,� growled Mad-Eye Moody, “Kingsley’s talking to you.�

She wrenched her thoughts away from the skulls of her dream and looked up.

“Sorry,� she said half-heartedly. She reached for her drink and sent it flying. Fleur tutted and made some comment in French under her breath. “Sorry, Kingsley what were you saying again?�

Kingsley looked at her, checking she was listening this time, and then continued. “As I was saying: Scrimgeour wants four Aurors stationed in Hogsmeade at all times. So that’s Proudfoot, Savage, Dawlish, and you, Tonks.�

She nodded. “Dawlish?� she questioned. “Is he fit after...uh...?�

“After I Confunded him?� asked Dumbledore, smiling benignly at her. She did not return his smile.

“Okay, so I’ll be in Hogsmeade in the new term. What about now?� she asked.

“Are you sure you’re ready to come back, Tonks?� Kingsley asked kindly. “We all understand if you need more time – he was your cousin after all.�

“I’m fine,� she snapped. “Just get me back in the field.�

There was a long pause. Tonks knew they were all wondering about her. In past meetings she’d always been the cheerful one, boosting morale with her smile, giggling at Moody’s pronouncements, and chatting when she should have been listening. Now, this dour girl was dragging them down.

“Well, if you’re sure,� said Kingsley, “then I’d like you to do a search of the surrounding area; outbuildings, barns - that type of thing. Check for any Death Eater activity. There’s unlikely to be any as Malfoy and his crew are locked up in Azkaban, but we must use ‘constant vigilance’, as Alastor always tells us.�

She didn’t smile at the joke. “Anywhere in particular?� she asked.

“The Shrieking Shack,� said Remus quietly. “Ideal hide out.�

She looked at him for the first time, unaware he’d been watching her throughout the meeting. He looked miserable, as miserable as her and she wanted to be glad of that, glad that he was hurting because she was in pain too. Instead she had an almost overwhelming urge to hold him and promise him that things would be all right. But, of course, they wouldn’t be.

“First on my list,� she said, and then looked away.

***
She was in his room in Shrieking Shack. It was here where he’d come every month. She could see the broken furniture, the mattress torn to shreds, and she realised what hell, what torment he’d been in. It must have been bliss when his friends became Animagii. When Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs roamed the Forbidden Forest he must have felt free. It must have been like being reborn. She lay down on the floor, hoping that in some way she could be close to him, to see if she could connect to him. There were bloodstains on the floor, old blood from his time. She wanted to cry but there were no more tears inside her. He could not use Wolfsbane when he was with the werewolves. They would smell it on him and realise he was not like them. Instead he would have to confine himself again, to bite and claw and gouge at his own body instead of another’s.

“Nymphadora,� called her partner on this reconnaissance mission.

He strode into the room to see her lying on the wooden floor, her eyes wide open.

“Nymphadora, are you hurt?� There was no hint of concern in his voice.

Merlin! she thought, can’t he ever call me Tonks?

She stood up slowly; he did not offer to help her.

“Did you find anything?� he asked.

“Nothing, Snape,� she replied.

Except fear.

“Should we check out the tunnel?� she asked him.

He whipped his head around. “You know about the tunnel?�

She nodded. “Should we check it out?� she repeated, wondering why he looked so suspicious of her.

“How do you know about the tunnel?� he asked.

She shrugged. “Sirius told me. It comes out in the Whomping Willow, doesn’t it?�

Snape lowered his voice to a level she recognised from his classroom, he was angry and dangerous. “What else did he tell you?�

She was unconcerned at the malice in his voice. She knew Sirius and Snape had hated each other but didn’t know the reasons why. She’d never disliked her Potions Professor quite as much as the other students in Hufflepuff – he had after all helped her on her way to the NEWT grade which got her into the Auror training programme.

“He told me about the tunnel. He told me that Rem...Lupin used to transform here, and he told me he was an Animagus – that’s all,� she said, sighing. “Snape, I don’t know what happened between the two of you and I don’t really care now. He was my cousin and I loved him. If you can’t deal with that then perhaps we can’t work together. However, if you can deal with the fact that he was my cousin and I’m not him, then perhaps we should check out this bloody tunnel that you seem to be getting het up about.�

He stared at her. In the past, in his lessons, she’d wondered if he could read minds and she’d invented her own technique for blocking him. She used to change her hair or her nose and occasionally, just occasionally, it broke his concentration. She tried this time but something wasn’t working. She knew her metamorphic powers depended on her emotions, which was why as a child and a teen her hair had been a kaleidoscope of colours, so she wasn’t surprised that in this state her hair was such a drab, mousy brown.

Snape smiled slightly. “It’s this way,� he said.

In the tunnel she found herself almost crawling. “Blimey, it’s not deep, is it? Wouldn’t get Hagrid coming in here, would you?�

“We’re supposed to be checking for signs of Dark Magic, Nymphadora, not chatting,� said Snape.

“Well I don’t think anyone Dark’s been in here recently,� said Tonks. “Unless,� she said, picking up something from the floor, “they like Droobles Best Bubble gum.�

Snape muttered something under his breath that sounded like ‘Potter’. In the past Tonks would have laughed, but today she kept silent.

After an hour they reached the top. Tonks hurriedly climbed up and opened the trap door.

“Wait!� called Snape, but it was too late. Tonks had climbed out without pressing the knot on the tree. A branch caught her in the face.

“Flaming Phoenix!� she yelled as she tripped over another branch and fell back into the hole

“Allow me,� said Snape as he helped her up. He stopped the tree with a jab of his wand. “Are you hurt?�

“No, Snape, I always have blood pouring from my head like this!� she snapped.

“I meant are you hurt badly?� he replied witheringly. “Or can you manage to get up to the school?�

“I’m fine,� she growled. “I’ll sort it out at home.�

“Don’t be stupid,� he said. “Although Madam Pomfrey is away, I have some excellent salves in my Dungeon. Follow me.�

Merlin, she thought, stuck with Snape in his dungeon. Could this day possibly get any worse?

His classroom looked and smelt the same as when she’d been a student. She wondered whether Snape ever tired of the familiarity. Being a Metamorphamagus, she had thrived on change, but now that appeared to be leaving her along with everything else.

He handed her a small pot of salve. She recognised the preparation; she’d seen Remus use it once. Don’t cry, she ordered herself. She rubbed some between her fingers and carefully spread a thin layer onto the welt above her eye. The pain lessened.

“Thank you,� she said to Snape. “Is this your own concoction?�

“Yes,� he replied. He was writing in a book with a long black feathered quill. “It’s a variation on Poenaserum. Do you remember that one, Nymphadora?�

She wracked her brain “Err...it’s a pain-relieving serum containing arnica, dillweed, hemp, mistletoe leaves and...� She smelt it again. “You’ve added something else...Oh,� she exclaimed, “it’s fresh borage, isn’t it?� She smiled, pleased to have solved the puzzle.

He smiled back. “Very good. You’re wasted in the Auror Department. You would be a good Potions Professor.�

She snorted. “Not whilst you’re here, Snape. Dumbledore’s not going to sack you in a hurry.�

He looked across at her thoughtfully and opened his mouth as if he was about to tell her something. He must have thought better of it though, because he just nodded and returned to his writing.

“What’s that you’re writing?� she asked.

He didn’t look up but carried on with his work, slowly and methodically writing formulae and annotating certain lines.

“Ideas, mainly,� he said after a while. “You may remember that at NEWT level I look for more ‘experimentation’ from my students.�

She nodded.

“This helps plan my class, to see which students have the true brain of Potioneer.�

“What did you think of me?� she asked impulsively.

He put the quill down, shut the book and looked directly into her eyes.

“To be frank, Nymphadora, I was surprised you made the expected grade at OWL level to continue my class but you were the one who proved me wrong.�

“Wrong in what way?� she asked, interested now.

“The true Potion maker needs to be precise and logical,� he replied.

“And I’m not?� she said.

“No, you are the very opposite. You are careless, clumsy, and emotional,� he stated.

“And my bad points are?� she said, surprising herself because she nearly laughed. She could imagine this conversation being held at Grimmauld Place with Remus present and her trying not to catch his eye, trying not to giggle.

Snape looked at her coldly. “It was when you rid yourself of your emotions and concentrated on your goal that you became a successful Potion brewer. Emotions betrayed you – they still do.�

“What do you mean by that?� she snapped, all good humour gone.

“I’ve seen you with Lupin,� he said directly. “It can’t end well, him being what he is.�

She looked at him, too shocked to respond, then got off her chair and walked out.

***

She went to the only person she could think of for comfort. Not her mother, who’d always raised her eyebrows if she mentioned Remus’ name, but Molly Weasley who had noticed her frozen face at the last meeting and told her to come round at any time. Molly had sat her in a chair by the fire and plied her with tea, soup, and cake. She lamented on the state of her. Tonks was too thin and too sad for her liking. Slowly, very slowly, she began to thaw under Molly’s care and started to talk.

“I miss something that had barely started, Molly. Is that insane?� she asked.

“Not at all. It started long before you really knew, Tonks. It was obvious to any of us, watching you how comfortable you were together. Even Sirius noticed. You made him smile and Remus never smiled much. He doesn’t now at all.�

“Have you seen him?� asked Tonks, tears welling in her eyes.

“Briefly, he wanted news of Harry, or so he said, but...� Molly paused. “He really wanted to ask about you.�

“Then why doesn’t he come and see me? Why has he cut himself off?� she said desperately.

Molly sighed. “He feels unclean, broken, and unworthy, Tonks.�

“Well, so do I!� she cried. “Look at me, Molly! I’m a mess. I can’t sleep, eat, or function normally at all. I can’t even change my hair anymore.�

“Hush,� soothed Molly. “He’ll come round. You need to give him time.�

They heard a sudden crack outside. Molly ran to the window.

“I can’t see who it is, probably Arthur or the twins,� she said nervously.

She busied herself with cleaning an already clean surface until suddenly there was a soft knocking on the kitchen door. It was Dumbledore and Harry. Tonks greeted them both and tried to smile at Harry but she could see he was shocked at her lack-lustre appearance. She found she couldn’t meet Dumbledore’s eye. She remembered how relieved she’d been when she’d seen him arrive at the Ministry, she’d known they’d be safe now – but Sirius had not been safe and now Remus was putting himself in more danger. She half heard Molly’s invitation to dinner at the weekend, but the knowledge that Remus too would be there was enough for her to make her excuses.

She could hear Dumbledore’s footsteps behind her; perhaps he wanted a word but she had nothing to say and Apparated away.

***

After finally falling asleep after having gazed at the stars through her skylight for half the night, Tonks was annoyed to be woken, once again, by Moody’s Patronus that asked for a report on the reconnaissance mission.

What she wanted to do was to turn over and sleep, sleep until the whole thing was over, but she knew Moody would not let her hide away.

She picked up her wand to issue a reply. “Expecto Patronum,� she said. What erupted from her wand caused her to gasp. There in front of her was not her silvery monkey but a huge, four legged animal.

However much he tried to deny it, Remus Lupin would always be protecting her.