Broken
“Hermione? What is going on?”
There was a pause. “Nothing, I'm fine,” she finally said, looking up with a bright and chipper smile. Too bright and chipper. Ginny frowned.
“Don't lie. You've been staring at the same page for half an hour. And you've been acting weird ever since we got back to school. Since you got to the Burrow for the Quidditch World Cup, even. Something is wrong.”
“It's nothing. Don't worry. Hey, did I tell you my favorite part of the summer?”
“Besides seeing the World Cup with us? I didn't know there was anything else,” Ginny replied, laughing to go along with it.
“Well, I guess it was the second best then. It was while Mum and Dad and I were visiting some family in Ashton-under-Lyne, Greater Manchester, and you'll never guess who I met.”
“If I'll never guess, than there's no use trying.”
“Professor Lupin.”
“He lives in Greater Manchester? Who would have known?”
“Exactly what I thought. We didn't get to spend much time together, but you know how that goes when visiting family.” Ginny smiled at her. “He did tell me a lot of interesting things about the Defense class that he taught last year's Fourth Years.”
“Of course, you're Hermione Granger. You always get a head start,” Ginny said as she punched her friend teasingly on the shoulder.
“It wasn't like that. Besides, Moody's classes are obviously going to be so much different. What's he doing with the Third Years?”
“Certainly not the Killing Curse, like with you and I'm not jealous, but he is training us against the Imperius. It's really hard though, I have no idea how to resist. He just expects us to know.”
“Sometimes things are easier learned the hard way.” A weird tone edged into her voice, slightly nostalgic. She shook her head and smiled lightly.
Ginny gave the older girl a “so-not-helping” look, then smiled. “Well, I have work to do”my Astronomy chart is due tonight.” As Ginny turned away from Hermione, the fake smile on her face faded to be replaced with one of concern.
As soon as Ginny had left, Hermione's smile also faded and she looked down at her Arithmancy book hopelessly. “And I'm just going to go to bed,” she said quietly to herself. She climbed the stairs slowly, thoughtfully, dejectedly. The look on her face changed slowly, becoming more and more painful. She wanted to tell Ginny so badly. This was the first secret she'd kept from the person that had become her best girlfriend. It wouldn't be very long until she, Harry, and Ron figured it out anyway and she knew that they'd rather hear it from her, but she couldn't bring herself to put the incident into words.
What was the point of telling them anyway? It wouldn't change what had happened. It wouldn't change what she had done. And it certainly wouldn't change how they felt about her once they knew. Because that was sure to change. What would happen to her then? She remembered the pain of Muggle school before Hogwarts. The pain of Hogwarts before Harry and Ron. Would she go back to the lone girl? The bushy-haired know-it-all? No, that she was used to. It would be even worse. She had tasted the best of friendships and to be thrown back into isolation would be torture. She had tasted it and she would never be able to live without it again. But she didn't deserve it anymore either.
“No, no, NO!” Hermione woke up with a gasp as she screamed the last word. Sitting bolt upright and staring around the dormitory, she realized that she was alone. The morning sun danced through the old glass windows and shimmered on the ground, too cheerful for the words just shouted. Drenched in a cold sweat and breathing hard, Hermione slowly sank back into her pillow. It offered solace and peace every night, but every night it only delivered pain. The recurring nightmares, each ending differently than the last, but always beginning the same place, haunted her. The possibilities that they exposed were too horrible to consider, but she had no control over whether they happened or not.
Breathing deeply, she finally dragged herself out of bed and dressed. She dreaded going down to the Great Hall for breakfast, but the dormitory didn't provide a respite from life anymore. Her worst problems followed her as a dog follows its master. That analogy was too close to the truth. The problems followed her as . . . problems follow people. Simple fact of life. As if any part of life was simple anymore. The truth tortured her as she slowly walked down the corridors. She broke into an angry run, her feet pounding. Even though her legs were throbbing as she skipped the vanishing step, she kept going. Maybe if she ran fast enough, she could leave her problems behind. As if.
She broke into the Great Hall and went straight for her regular seat across from Harry and Ron. She slid into the bench as Ron burst into laughter about something Harry had said. She shot him a look of disgust and angrily attacked the bowl of eggs with a spoon.
“Well, good morning to you too! Aren't you cheerful this morning?”
“Ron,” Harry hissed under his breath. Out loud, “Are you all right, Hermione?”
“Oh, just dandy. I'm feeling bloody glorious. Couldn't you tell?” she spat.
“Er. . . right,” the black-haired boy said, looking down at his plate.
“I'm sorry,” Hermione apologised, backing off. “I'm just . . . dealing with a lot right now.”
“Hermione, term's barely started, final exams are ages away, and OWLs are next year. Plus we have the Triwizard Tournament to look forward to. What is there to be worried about?” He turned to say something to Harry, but Hermione didn't let him.
“Oh, right, because school is all I ever think about. Thanks for the support, Ron. Really appreciate it.” The fire re-kindled, she grabbed a piece of toast and, without bothering to butter it, stormed off.
“Well, it's true!” Ron said helplessly, watching her leave.
Harry gave him only a look of disappointment.
Hermione kept running up and up and up, her heart pounding and her head spinning for lack of air, until she found herself on the Astronomy tower. Without thinking about it she ran straight for the railing. At the last minute though, she realized what she was doing and tried to stop short, but ended up slamming the railing hard into her gut and mashing her toes badly. Doubled over and gasping for breath, her legs shaking and her hair whirling about her, she stared down towards the ground at the long drop and imagined what it would have been like if she had jumped. Would it have killed her? Would she have felt the impact and the pain before she died? Or would it have been instant and painless? Her own thoughts scared her- when had she become that girl? The girl that considered . . . suicide? It wasn't the first time either. Ever since . . . it happened, she had noticed the pattern.
She tried to backtrack and laugh at her own foolishness. She hadn't actually considered suicide. Everyone questions the outcome of a mortal accident, right? But would dying really be that bad of an alternative? What was her life worth anymore? With the horror that she had done, with the horror that she now could do, with the horror that her dreams reminded her of every night, wouldn't it just be better to sacrifice herself and let the world move on without the danger she posed? Once they knew about her, would anyone even care that she was gone?
Still frightened of the drop and the stranger that seemed to inhabit her mind, she slowly backed away from the edge of the tower. She turned around methodically and walked back into the heart of the castle. Her body on automatic, she took her bag to History of Magic and took copious notes as always. Her performance in Charms was lackluster, though the spell was perfect as always. It was in Charms, with pillows flying (or trying to fly) all around them and every student intent on their goal that Harry confronted her again.
“Hermione?” he whispered tentatively.
“What?” she whispered back.
Harry visibly relaxed. “Can you help me with this charm? I can't seem to say the incantation right.”
“That's what you need to whisper about? You're saying it perfectly anyway. It's the wand movement that's wrong. More snap in the wrist should do it.” She turned back to the stack of pillows that was across the room from her.
“Ok, you're right. That's not what I wanted to talk about. I'm worried about you, Hermione.”
“Of course you are. Everyone's worried about me this year. And I keep telling everyone, I'm fine.” She smiled at him. “You're forgiven for joining the worrywarts,” she added with a small giggle. “And I'm sorry about this morning. You know I'm not a morning person,” she told him more seriously.
“But Hermione, it's not just this morning. It's every morning that I've seen you since school ended last year. You looked kind of peaky at the Quidditch Cup and you look like you're being slowly starved or something. And you're not responding to Ron's jokes anymore, even with an eye roll. You barely talk to us even though we're still together all the time. What is up with you? Did something happen over the summer? Are your parents okay? Did we do something?”
“No, Harry, thanks for your concern, but I'm fine.”
Decidedly, she turned back to the pillows. Harry opened his mouth to say something, changed his mind, and gave Ron a small shrug.
Late at night a few weeks later, unable to sleep as usual for dread of the dreams, Hermione sat up slowly and walked to the dormitory window. Careful not to wake her roommates, she opened the window, swinging the two halves way out. The cool nighttime breeze washed over her. She stared out over the Forbidden forest, a waxing moon hanging low over the horizon. Everything seemed so peaceful, but she knew that it would not be so for long. She had to do this. For the good of everyone if not because she just couldn't stand it anymore. She couldn't live with herself.
She took a deep breath and carefully put one foot on the sill. She heaved herself up so she was standing on it, then crouched down so her head was below the top of the window. Looking back one last time, she gently pushed herself past the window, past the wall, past balance, and down. She gasped as the cold air started rushing past her face, but her body seemed to stand still in the air. Her senses heightened and seconds seemed to stretch into hours as she fell. She saw the ground approaching and she tried to rotate herself someway to make it hurt less. She didn't want this anymore. She wanted to be up in the tower, safe in her bed. She tried to reach for her wand, but it was still on her bedside table in the dorm. The ground was closer and she didn't know what to do. She let out a scream, a last plea for help, and it echoed long and sharp in the air. She took a deep breath as the grass came into focus below her, there was bone-breaking crash, and everything went black.
Something had happened. Something major had changed. Hermione had no idea what it was. Where was she? What had happened? Something soft was cradling her but there was an ache deep inside somewhere. Questions and disconnected thoughts floated across her foggy mind. Wait, there were voices. What were they saying? She couldn't make it out, it was too much of an effort. She sank into the comforting darkness again.
The voices woke her up, so quiet that she had to strain to understand them.
“Any change?” The voice was familiar, who was it? It was female . . .
“No.” This one was deeper, choked.
“You get some sleep, I'll stay with her.”
There was some muffled scuffling, then footsteps leaving. Something touched her hand and she tried to jerk away, but her body didn't move. Slowly, she struggled against the weight of her eyelids and cracked them open a bit. Everything was fuzzy, but it all seemed to be white. She opened her eyes a bit more and something unfocused, but distinctly red came into view. It whispered something. She opened her eyes wider.
“Hermione?”
“Mmmm?” was all she could force out of her throat. She still couldn't figure out what was above her. She blinked slowly several times. Eventually, she began to make out a face beneath the red. It looked worried. It came into focus suddenly.
“Ginny?”
“Oh, Hermione, thank goodness you're okay!” It sounded like she was crying.
“Wha . . . what's going on?” She asked groggily, trying to sit up. Pain shot through her, causing her to gasp and Ginny gently pushed her back down onto the bed.
“That's doesn't matter right now, get some rest.”
“No, no, I need to know what happened,” she insisted, shaking her head to clear her vision. It became obvious that she was in the hospital wing, but it seemed empty besides herself and Ginny. And she still couldn't remember why she was here.
“Well . . .”
“Go on.”
“We think you jumped out of the dormitory window.”
“Jumped . . .” Hermione murmured as she concentrated on trying to remember. “Yes! I jumped! I . . . Oh, Ginny . . . I can't say this. Just . . . go, I'll be fine.”
“No. Hermione, you're not fine. You jumped from your dormitory window. Why?”
“I . . . had to, Ginny. I'm a monster, I can't live with the danger I am. I already killed one person and I can't stop myself from killing another even if I don't want to.” It all came out in a rush.
“You're not a monster. You're my best friend. I know you.” Even though the words were confident, her voice was small and scared.
“I am, I am a monster. This can't go on!”
“Tell me what is happening, please, Hermione, you're scaring me.” Her voice was even smaller now.
“I . . . I'm a werewolf.” Ginny gasped and stared at her. Hermione eyes filled with tears and she rushed to explain. “I-It happened while we were in Ashton-under-Lyne. I was out late one night and got lost on my way home. I found this cottage out in the middle of nowhere and although it seemed deserted there were weird noises coming from inside. I should have known right then, I should have figured it out. I mean obviously. Professor Lupin was in the same town and here I was on a full moon night in front of a cottage making weird noises. I was so stupid!” She broke down into sobs.
Ginny stared down at her silently. After a moment, Hermione caught her breath and continued, still crying. “I later found out that the cottage was mainly protected by Muggle-repelling charms and that's why it opened to just an Alohomora. There weren't any other witches or wizards anywhere near Ashton-under-Lyne and it's not a popular vacation town or anything. It was simply locked because if it wasn't Lupin would be able to get out. But as it was, he couldn't. I could get in, though. I was just so stupid!
“I went in and it was all dark and there was this sad, hurt whimpering noise punctuated by rumbling growls. I walked towards the noise and then it just . . . jumped out at me with a snarl. This huge wolf-ish figure. It knocked me down and I didn't know what was going on for a few seconds. And then it all clicked. L-lupin . . . Lupin-- oh, I can't say it, I can't!
“He . . . bit me. Just like that. Just sank his teeth into my gut. It was like I could feel this wave of relief come off of him. He settled into it for a moment, enjoying the feeling, I guess. Then he just ripped his teeth out without bothering to open his jaws, oh--” she breathed, her face screwed up remembering the pain. “He sat back for a moment and licked my blood from his lips. In that split second, I knew that I had to get out of there. Running on adrenaline, I got up as fast as I could and went for the door. He gave this horrid sound of wolf-rage and started after me. I barely got to the door in time. I slammed it behind me and locked it securely. I don't know how I made it home, but when I got there my parents didn't know what to do with me. I didn't know what to do with myself either. I knew that I couldn't go to a Muggle hospital, they wouldn't be able to help. We bound it up as best we could, but it didn't help much. I lived till morning, when Professor Lupin came by with a blood-replenishing potion that he had on hand because he usually injured himself during the night. He was in a terrible state himself and said that he didn't know how I'd gotten in, but he felt horrible.
“I passed out at around that time and when I woke up I was at St. Mungo's. They healed my side and the various other cuts and scratches that I had. I still have the scar though”I'll probably always have it.”
“Hermione . . .”
“That's not even the worst part. I didn't have access to Wolfsbane during the summer, so I had to transform naturally. At first it just felt like stretching, but then I started splitting in weird places and pressure from the inside forced bone out to form the snout. I was being torn apart and smashed together all at the same time and it was like my soul was changing too. Like it was bending its will to some other being's and the only good in me was being crushed. All that I could think about was getting out. I don't know how I did it, but I got out and ran into some Muggle children playing. I killed the ones that didn't get away. It felt so good, like satisfying a thirst that I didn't even know was there. Their blood was sweet and warm.
“Three small girls, murdered in cold blood, were found in the morning. I hated myself, I still hate myself. How could I do such a horrible thing and enjoy it so much? I didn't want to transform again, I didn't want to kill more people or taste more blood, but it felt so good at the time. And I'm so scared that I'll do it again. I can't be this danger, this menace! I can't live with the monster I've become.”
“Hermione, you're not a monster. I know that because you don't want it. You are sorry for it. You are not a monster, Hermione.”
“This place inside of me just broke, though. I couldn't control myself. And I did want it at the time. And the second time I transformed I wanted it again. And I'll want it again every time I transform during the summer without the Wolfsbane.”
There was a long pause. Ginny wept silently as she looked down at the girl on the bed.
“I didn't know it would hurt this much,” Hermione murmured.
“What?”
“I didn't know it would hurt this much,” she repeated, louder.
“Transforming?”
“No. Jumping.”
“Hermione . . .” Ginny murmured, leaning down and folding her friend in her arms. “You'll get through this. We'll get through this.”