First off, I just want to say that I was moved. This not only was beautiful, the structure was so mature! I loved how you framed the poem.

The first time he saw her
They were both so young
The world was new
The world was theirs
The Prince had found love

One, I like that each stanza is five lines. Not too short but not too long. :) Also, I like that your first line has to do with time in almost every stanza, and then the third and fourth stanza mirror each other in word choice. Then the last line, always about love... Your anaphora is just gorgeous! It really helps the poem feel as one unit than separate ideas. I also like the simplicity in your diction, which allows the sophisticated structure shine through. I'm rather jealous. :)

Time spent happily
They became fast friends
Learning about each other's lives
Learning about themselves
She was the Prince's Love

The emphasis that he loved her and not necessarily the other way around is rather poignant in your poem. She found in him a friend, and certainly loved him, but as a friend, not the way Snape desired her. I rather enjoyed the emphasis that while learning about each other, they also learned about themselves, which is important about relations with others.

Time couldn't stop for them
They couldn't stay in happiness forever
Growing up was inevitable
Growing apart was too
Yet she was still the Prince's Love

Oh, cruel time! How it can change everyone. I really liked the emphasis on that in this stanza. :) yet, despite it all, he still loved her. It makes me cry!

Pride, reputations, and destiny got in the way
He refused to change his ways
She cried for what they used to have
She cried for what could have been
She was always the Prince's Love

This is where there is a slight break from the structure. I would have found the first line to have more of an impact if it had used the word time or referred to it. I can sort of relate things getting in the way to being "busy," a time word, but I feel you could have used that word for effect and to keep your structure. Other than that, I loved that it made Lily just as sad as it made Severus, and she wanted to stay friends, but found that life jut wouldn't permit it.

No longer even cordial
He hopelessly watched her leave
She had moved on to better things
She had moved on from him
The Prince's love remained

See, the first line uses "longer," another time related word, which is great! And this stanza really pulled at my heart- the fact that she moved on, but he couldn't. I connected to Severus at this point. :)

Then she was gone
Her heart no longer beat
Part of her lived on in her son
Part of her lives on in him
The Prince's love would live forever

I suppose "then" can be related to time, but again, I think you need another reference to time, to really emphasize that time doesn't wait for us to do what is right. I did, however, like how you showed that Harry carried on Lily's legacy. ;)

It was his time to rejoin her
This was the end for him
He had seen his eyes
He had seen her eyes
Always, she was the Prince's Love

Augh!!!! The eyes that always captivated him! Poor Severus!!!!!! This was a beautiful way to end the poem and also allude to the fact that Snape looked into Harry's eyes before dying- though he probably felt like he was looking at Lily's eyes for the last time. It's amazing how eyes can play a vital role as a symbol of not only being a window to the soul but also a vehicle to portray emotion!!!!!!!! :)

I loved this poem so much!!!!!!!! I think a few changes can be made so the structure becomes that much more stronger, but overall it was gorgeous and really well written!

~Nagini Riddle

Hello, pufflefluff!!!! :)
I just love how you are able to put emotion into everything. This was no exception. I loved what you chose for Regulus! And what a great way for Regulus to want to come back.

One note I have- I don't know if you were allowed to mess around with structure, but I think that the last two lines would have more of an impact and also make more sense if they were separate from the last stanza. Otherwise, I have to make a conscientious effort to change point of views suddenly in the same stanza, and it becomes slightly confusing. I had to read it three times before I realized that Sirius was talking to his brother. But if it was seperate from the last stanza, the change of pov would be more effective. :)

That's my only criticism. I wanted so badly to start rapping this as I read it! We definitely need to find a way so we can listen to our music fictions like this! That would be so cool to hear the lyrics we wrote to the song, and maybe make them even more dramatic...

Off to read more of your stuff...

~Nagini Riddle, a slytherin' Gryffindor

Author's Response: Thank you very muchfor the review. With regard to separating the last two lines, it's actually the last two stanzas that are from Sirius' POV which I delineated by adding an extra space between the last hook and then the start from his POV. The part about Marlene being safe, and 'Hey, brother, I just got your letter', is all from Sirius' pOV - much like the last two verses in Stan are from Eminem's POV.

Thank you again, ~Carole~

First off, I would like to commend you for writing something different. This was so beautiful in structure! You should do more poems like this. :)

Heavy silence. Stifling like a cloak,
A shroud to bury his pride with the dead,
The fallen ranks whose names he sees listed,
Counted and sorted in orderly columns.
There’s no call for pride anymore.
Silence is all he can bear to give.

Gah! The imagery is just so darn beautiful. Especially the columns part. It's so scary to think of your name as just part of a list, among many other words, without significance. My only concern is that you used pride twice so close together. It would be fine if they were right next o each other, like repeating the idea to emphasize it, but there is enough gap to make it awkward for me. Perhaps "ego" could fit in for one of the "pride"s? That is my only nitpick for this stanza. The rest of it made me shiver and silent. Silent as the grave, as it were. I felt as though I was actually a part of the story, staring at the list and feeling hollow and dead. What a great start!

He remembers.

*gasps* Risky! But it works so well to let it stand alone. And it makes me stop, which is a very mature thing to do in this poem. You don't want your reader to just skim the poem, but to actually stop and be affected. And this line does just that.

A list of names, tirelessly compiled,
The sweat of hours, days, weeks,
A masterwork of persistence;
A list, in the papers, hatefully used,
Promising bloodshed and terror,
Hatred played with consummate skill.
A strident silence, demanding he speak,
A shark’s grin awaiting his response.
All sharp teeth and instinct for pain,
A gleeful Yaxley drives the knife home:
“You’ve done marvelous work, Weasley –
Too bad Umbridge took the credit.”
Silence is all he can afford to give.

The list again!!!! It will surely haunt me now! It is like the most painful cramp in my leg, which I am having currently (nothing to do with reading, I assure you). I adored the diction you used- "sweat" and "masterpiece" give so much more to the imagery of working on this list. And it makes me hate the tirade against the Muggle-borns. I already did hate it, but to see that it takes so much effort to hate against a group makes me wonder if it is really worth it? I also love how you compare the work to a shark. *Jaws music plays*
However, I don't think "gleeful" is the right word to use for Yaxley. It seems out of place with te rest of the poem. Yet, I am blanking on a better word. Think about it.
I really hate Umbridge so much. She is worse than Lockhart and Bellatrix, who are also both low on my list. (There's that list again!) This stanza only makes me hate her more!
And I love the repetitive "silence" permeating throughout the poem. It really captures the emotion of the poor man working tirelessly to please a vindictive master.

He remembers.

It's back!!!!! And just as poignant and heart-stopping as the first time. What a wonderful way to break up the stanzas.

He keeps a tally in his head:
Oliver Wood, seen at a bar, avoided;
Penny, ditto, evaded with pounding heart.
Hurrying past Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes,
Unable to face his brother’s grief.
Strained silence at the Burrow,
Air fit to snap with unspoken words,
Percy refusing to speak the truth:
He’s not worthy of his family’s love.
Silence is all he dares to give.

Poor Percy. He isn't my favorite character, but you make me feel for him. He should be worthy of his family's love! Silence reigns...

He cannot forget.

What a way to end it!

Great job!!! I wish I could take more time to give a more thorough review, but I can't. Sorry!

Okay, so your other story of All that Glitters is Gold ( I think that was the title) makes more sense now, but I still find myself wanting more! Why did Lily marry James and not Snape? Why won't she marry Snape now? He seems like a very good candidate for her now!
Anyways, this really got me to look at the Wizarding world in a different light. An amazing job!

Author's Response: Glad you liked it! As to Lily and Snape, well, he still has some issues, even though he's a lot easier to deal with in this story. ;) James was always the more charming candidate, and Lily was young. Now? We'll see, but I think there is a lot of painful history between them. I hope I can give you more soon, but I'm a little bit stalled on the continuation.

Okay, I have to review these again!!!!!! They are just so beautifully written and I am in awe!


i. Betrayal

We roamed the night, a foursome strong and free.
The forest bound our friendship fast and true,
And yet our bond was one we’d come to rue:
For you betrayed our love and loyalty.
First off, the rhyme scheme is so well done! The rhyme isn't forced and it allows the true regret and betrayal come through. :) I love how it has a dark sense to it because you mentioned how they became friends in a dark forest. And my heart breaks at the bitter tone in the last two lines- we have come to regret our friendship with you because you are a traitor! It makes me shiver, and I hope to never be a traitor! My only nitpick is that the rhythm of the poem isn't quite iambic and seems slightly off... But I don't know how to help with that, since I am not an expert on meter or rhythm! Still, the stanza works, and it broke my heart!

You turned-abandoned light to serve the dark;
The shadow in your soul now somehow bought.
Whether feared or forced it matters not:
For you betrayed us when you took the Mark.

Very nice imagery! I can see the darkness an shadows forcing themselves onto Peter. And I actually liked that you said "Mark" instead of dark mark, because it lends to ambiguity. He was marked in more ways than one, and each mark was a betrayal and drive him farther from "the good side."

We trusted you, above all else we gave
Our faith-our very lives-into your hand!
And yet you broke our hope, our desperate plan:
For you betrayed them to their final grave.

First off, I love how you allude to the Secret-Keeer job. Their lives were in Peter's hands, literally! I also enjoyed that you didn't say death, but implied that they lost their lives by going to their final grave, which has a spooky effect on me and scares me, especially with Halloween so close now.... :)

Run, you spineless coward, traitor, spy:
For I will never rest until you die.

The shift into directness and this bitter hateful tone scared me. It whacked me in my heart, no joke. Th threat is so strong and terrorizing, but at the same time, you wrote the rest of the poem so well that I can feel the justification in wanting to kill Peter. Great job on your poem! It doesn't matter if it wasn't iambic or anything- in fact, it's entirely possible it is iambic and I just didn't pick up on it. I said I am horrible at meter!


ii. Regret

I gave myself unto a master dark,
Who took my life, my hand, my every friend.
He left me naught but silver in the end,
And bleak regret that I did take the Mark.

I really liked how this tied so well into the other poem. You have repeating motifs that are depressing yet gorgeous at the same time.
And great allusion to the silver hand!!!! He really did leave him silver, didn't he? The hand child him in the end....

I know I sold their lives to save my own!
I mourn it still to this, my dying day.
The end is near and now I cannot say:
That I regret the pain you’ve always known.

I wonder if Peter really did feel any regret for his actions. But I love how depressing this stanza was. It leaves me sad that they lived for so with the feeling of regret and revenge. It just really pricks my heart.

For I was wrong, my choice a craven deed
That no repentance ever can undo.
False friend, dishonest rat-I know it’s true.
I do regret the life you've had to lead.

Great word choice!!! "Craven" has become my favorite word of the entire piece. And, the fact that his regrets are directed towards his friends and not at himself tells me that maybe he feels he deserves what happened to him. How depressing!

I am a spineless coward, traitor, spy:
But now, at last, in darkness I can die.

What a great way to tie this into the other sonnet! It must take a lot of guts to admit to being a coward, and it is really sad that he left himself to die in the darkness!

These poems were fantastic!!!! I have thoroughly enjoyed then the second time around. I seem to be reading a lot of depressing poetry... ;)

Keep it up!!!!!! I want to read more poems from you! :)

~Nagini Riddle

Author's Response: A very belated thank you for such an amazing review!! I am not sure what I did to deserve such a heap of loveliness, but I really appreciate it. I wrote these poems about a year ago now and always hoped they'd get a bit more of a response. Now my wish is fulfilled! I do believe this is iambic, as that is the standard meter for a sonnet. I'm glad they worked so well together. Yes, I do think Peter felt regret. Sometimes I find it so hard to believe that James, Sirius, and Remus could be friends with someone like him without there being something worth being friends with, you know? Something pushed him to do what he did, and I do think it was hard for him. As for writing more poems...I used to write more for archive challenges, now it's mostly when the inspiration hits. It does take me some work, lol. I'm still so glad you came by to read these two poems and leave such a gorgeous review. Sorry for the belated gratitude and rambly reply. Thank youuuuuu! ~Gina :)

Ah, if only Cissy had decided to follow Andromeda... Bellatrix- I don't know what to say about her. She is twisted, but it is partially her family's fault for teaching her such values. It makes me wonder why some children follow in their parents' footsteps and others don't...
Great poem, by the way, and thanks, too, for giving me the information for joining the contests! I hope I will do well in them! :)

Author's Response: Yes. -sigh- The Blacks were a piece of work. I think the difference was that Bellatrix had an inherent cruelty in her which was unleashed by her service under Volders. >.< Thanks for the read and review!

This is beautiful! I love the contrast between dragon and dove and your diction is just gorgeous! I have nothing to add to its beauty, but I would like to express concern on punctuation- the first half used it, then the last half doesn't really. Was there a purpose to that? It kind-of distracted me, but I overlooked it in order to read the poem.

My favorite line was, "steal my innocence." I thrilled at reading it. I felt like this was a love story of sorts- and it makes me want to be the dragon- or maybe the dove... but I feel sometimes like I am both. Ooh! That's another great interpretation- two sides to one person...

I must leave this review and now ponder my new train of thought!

HEY!!!! Great letter poem! I actually rather enjoyed that this wasn't flowery and full of imagery. It was blunt, just like Lily is. I wrote a similar poem, titled Where is Your Heart in the PA. But what really drew me in was that Lily wished for their friendship to continue but found the strength to tell Severus that she couldn't let their friendship continue.

Spelling: "Dissagreements" only has one "s"

I have loved all you poetry! Great job!

Yes, readin is an amazing magic! The first paragraph of this story was something I could really relate to, and I feel the same about books as Hermione. They are another world to enter and discover something more about life and ourselves. Thanks for a great prequel to Hogwarts. Perhaps you could write about Ron or Ginny or even Neville next...

Author's Response: Thank you! I thought that people on here would especially relate to a love of reading, as we obviously love it so much because of Harry Potter. And haha, maybe I'll do just that...

Why is this only one chapter??? It is very interesting so far! I never thought of what the Wizarding world would be like in Asia! I especially love the wand idea! How does he get sorted? Do they get sorted? What's going to happen to him????? :) if you couldn't tell, I love to read and imagine things.