Basically, I'm a crazy 18-year-old girl named Schmergo who loves Ron Weasley, musicals. church, Monty Python, (British humour, gotta love it!) Discworld, Artemis Fowl, spoofs, Disney, Les Miserables, the Scarlet Pimpernel, taking over the world, The Bartimaeus Trilogy, and, most of all, writing cheesy and insane stories! That was a run-on sentence.
Favourite characters: Ron (and the Weasleys in general), Neville, Remus, Lucius Malfoy, Luna, Theodore Nott, and.... VOLDYPOO! Almost all of my stories will either include Voldy or one of his servants.
My name: Okay, it's weird and random. I typed in the first thing I could think of. I assure you that the only thing I impale is cheese cubes on toothpicks! I should change my name to Schmerg_The _Impala... quite a different connotation, as impalas are adorable deer-like things. Yurp.
The Dark Lord's Blog: A really ludicrous humour fic that people seem to like. This will eventually have a plot! Ooh, spooky... And yes, the exploding pop-tart thing DOES work. Don't sue me if you try it and die in the process.
My Other Fics: I'm too boring to describe 'em. There are summaries at the bottom of this page. *Gestures in a very Vanna White-ish manner*. But... I'd recommend "Long-Distance Extendable Ears," because I think it's my best. "Love A Duck" is a pretty funny chaptered Marauders mystery/adventure... don't be deterred if you haven't read "The Scarlet Pimpernel," the story it's loosely based on. The Potter's Pentagon trilogy is the one I probably worked the hardest on... I think you'll like at least one of the main characters. *Puppy dog eyes* Also, I wrote a ton of musical spoofs. They're fun! Read them!
As closing, I would like to say, LLAMA LLAMA DUCK! Thank you.
You're welcome.
A WONDERFUL SONG ABOUT TYRONE THOMAS
Sing to the tune of "Gaston" from Beauty and the Beast
SCHMERGO:
Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Tyrone
Looking so gloomy and blue.
Everyone here�d love to be you, Tyrone
Or at least make out with you!
Just look at the huge crowd of chicks about you�
You�re everyone�s favourite guy!
Everyone wants to read fics about you�
And it�s not very hard to see why!
ALL:
No one flies like Tyrone
Has nice eyes like Tyrone
EMMA:
When my hit list�s fulfilled, no one dies but Tyrone!
SCHMERGO:
For you awe and inspire us all daily
Perfect, a pure paragon!
You can ask Ivy, Giorgi, or Haley�
You�re the hottest OC from �Potter�s Pentagon!�
ALL:
No one�s fit like Tyrone
Takes a hit like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else is a bloody great git like Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Yes, it�s true my physique�s been called captivating�
ALL:
My, what a guy that Tyrone!
And we mean every word we sang
Tyrone is the best�
EMMA:
Well, except for Wolfgang!
ALL:
No one�s been like Tyrone
A king pin like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else bullies poor Wolfie Quinn like Tyrone.
SCHMERGO:
For there�s no one as toned or as chiseled!
No one else has such fabulous hair!
Why, our homie T-Dawg�s off the hizzle�
TYRONE:
Be back in a tick, have to wrestle a bear.
ALL:
No one�s strong like Tyrone
Gets a song like Tyrone
EMMA:
No one else here is wearing a thong but Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Well, I�m back, that bear wasn�t participating!
ALL:
Probably scared of Tyrone!
TYRONE:
When I was a lad, I�d lift two hundred pounds
And I sweated and whimpered and bled.
And now that I�m grown, I lift five hundred pounds
So my biceps are big as my head!
ALL:
No one flirts like Tyrone!
EMMA:
Looks up skirts like Tyrone�
No one else is the king of perverts like Tyrone!
TYRONE:
Emma Weasley�s incredibly irritating!
ALL:
MY WHAT A GUY� TYRONE!
Oh! I love it! Bill Weasley would be a fantastic teacher, and I love him. A lot. Okay, I'll stop being scary about Bill, and actually talk about the story. The ending was very funny, but my favourite part was when Argus Filch applied. And I laughed out loud at the idea of Peeves or Mundungus teaching-- you had the funniest possible choices. It also reads like canon, which is always good. The part about Dobby was actually sad-- the way he's so loyal, and I found it adorable.
Tonks I could actually see as a teacher, though. I made her the new Transfiguration teacher in a story I wrote (not on MNFF), since McGonagall will be Headmistress.
I also liked the reference to Oliver Twist!
Author's Response: Bill might be a bit feral though :)
Wow. It started out so innocent, and ended... eerily.
This was very effective. You got into his head and made the reader both sympathise with him and connect this confused little boy with the monster he became.
Extremely thought-provoking and left me blinking at the screen like a deranged fish.
Author's Response: Thank you! Tthat\'s what I was trying to do! Deranged fish are cool! I recently sent in another peom but its not like this...a little humorous maybe. Yet again, THANKS!
This is really good, but I have no idea who it's about.... is it Ginny? In any case, this is a descriptive and well-done poem, even if some of the word flow is the slightest bit akward.
Author's Response: Its about Hermione :] Thanks for reviewing! -LB
HUZZAH! It's up on MNFF! Great job, Sam!
WOW. 0_0 That's a new one. I never would have suspected that paring. This is a very fresh perspective, and it certainly leads one to wonder...
I'll never be able to read the books the same way again now! Good job!
Author's Response: thank you! -LB
Wow. *Blinks* Is that... Peter Pettigrew?
I loved the last line. It's subtle.
By the way, I just read your author's page, and saw that you were a vegetarian who dislikes veggie burgers. I'm not a vegetarian, but I LOVE veggie burgers. In fact, I prefer them over real burgers. Weird, huh?
Author's Response: haha! That is kinda weird but still cool! Maybe I just got a bad veggie burger, cuz i tried it once and it tasted really bad, and i haven\'t tried it since then...hmm...maybe there\'s a different brand or something...i dunno! OOO and no, it\'s not Peter Pettigrew, but i guess it could be! I first meant it to be Draco Malfoy, but it could fit for other people too! So yeah, thanks SOOOOOO much for the super reviews!!!!!!!!
WOW. That is very dark and very powerful... and very well-written. It made me stare at the screen in shock. I never thought I could read a story that made the reader sympathise with Bellatrix, or one that made Rodolphus a likeable character, but somehow, you managed it! (And very well, I might add.)
I'm hoping for a sequel where we see exactly what Bellatrix does for Nymphadora?
Oh, and by the way-- this sounds insane, but was the woman that Bellatrix killed her future self, or just a random lady?
Author's Response: :D I love to hear that I have made someone sympathise with Bella. I dedicate a lot of time and effort to trying to make people do just that. :D As for Rodolphus, I usually write him about as evil as Voldie, sometimes he might even be worse in my stories. But lately, I have been experimenting with a gentler Rodolphus.
Hmmmm...I never thought of writing a sequl to this. Although it might be an interesting idea. I like writing Bella and Tonks. They\'re fun because there are so many horrible things between them, but in the end they share the same blood, they are family. I really enjoying working with them.
And the woman. That\'s actually an interesting story. She was supposed to be a banshee, I just misunderstood the prompt. *is embarassed* But when I read the prompt I interpreted the person as Bellatrix after she had escaped from Azkaban. At no point did I actually think of the woman as future Bella, but more like someone who was foreshadowing what her future would become. If that makes any sense.
Anyway, thanks so much for the review. They really do mean a lot. :D
Wow. This is really amazing. I know I never would have been able to wite Neville as a Death Eater, but you've done something truly amazing here. The riddle was also very well-done.
Author's Response: I knew that I\'d give up if I tried to write him becoming a DE for real, so I decided to make him a nice little spy.
The riddle took a few hours of brainstorming before I could even try and write it out, though. I\'m glad, though, because now I know for sure that if I need a riddle in an upcoming fic, I can do it.
- Jacie the Cat
December 3rd, 1980
It is a dark day for Gideon Prewett.
His fiancé has died at the hands of Voldemort’s followers. His brother has been missing for two weeks. Now, numbness and desperation are beginning to get the better of him, and the line between Right and Wrong is fading.
This was a story of the Gauntlet, third run.
Wow, an entire chapter in italics.
This is beautifully written and touching. I was shocked when I thought Charlie was dead and the twins were slipping in and out of conciousness, and although it was sad that Morticia wasn't real (she's a very good OC, by the way, very realistic and loveable), I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that the canons were okay.
You got the surreal, dreamlike point of view perfectly. When I think about dreams that made sense at the time, my head starts to spin and gets fuzzy and blurry. That's what this chapter did. It's, like, a drug. This story's an addictive substance.
Author's Response:
*Tries to pretend that chapter was actually meant to be completely in italics*
*Fails miserably*
Your reviews just get more and more difficult to reply to. I just want to give giant thank-yous, but it always seems to come out the same.
I was actually really lucky that the prompts fitted this mad idea of mine, and - and I\'m sorry, I can\'t think of anything else to say but that I\'m happy it worked, and thank you. Oh, and it\'s funny to hear Morticia described as loveable. I\'m exploring her childhood at the moment. Her poor adoptive parents. *Shakes head*
“The hallucinogenic jug lobster,” I told him simply.
Only you could make that sentence work.
This story ended with a bang. It was eerily similar to a giant fist on a spring popping out of my computer and punching me in the face. This chapter was the best writing I've seen from you yet-- complete raw, undistilled emotion. I can imagine you got really emotional when writing it. I definitely think, and I am saying this impartially, that this story will win the gauntlet.
I'm glad that Fabian lived long enough to see Gideon again, and vice versa. Although the ending was sad, it was somehow happy, because the brothers were together... I know, I sound like I'm speaking in complete nonsense, but this story is one of the most emotionally moving I've read.
By the way, thank you so much for mentioning my reviews in your Author's Note. I can't believe that you don't have more reviews-- maybe it's because people don't think minor characters like the Prewetts can possibly be interesting.
I did mine on Theodore Nott, which is about as minor as you can get, and I think it's more fun to write about a character who was barely mentioned in canon. You can create them completely, and develop more of a bond with them than, say, Harry, who you have to keep in character.
Sorry this is so long!
Author's Response:
... Oh! That\'s what you meant. The first time I read this, I thought it said the ending was \'eerily similar to a giant FISH on a spring\' punching you in the face. And it was like, \'So, does this happen often?\'
But wow, about the Gauntlet. I like to think I have a chance, but I\'m sort of seeing through tinted glass. I had actually (somehow) completely missed your entry while looking around the Gauntlet section, and figured it wasn\'t up yet. *Will go and have a look*
More to the point though, you\'re not speaking complete nonsense - you\'re absolutely right. I\'m actually really, really proud of this ending (snooty-nose. I\'m allowed to be proud). I mean, I developed and fell in love with these guys - the least I could do was give them a decent death scene, right?
OC\'s rock. These guys are basically OC\'s, except for their names, and Morticia is 100% non-canon. If you invent a character, you make up their past, present and future, so they\'re really your own. At least, that\'s how I feel. Although, I do admit I really love the idea that the older Weasley children have memories of Gideon and Fabian. And Morticia, for that matter. I like to think they were influenced by them.
Anyway, I\'ll stop talking now. But the point is, thank you - these reviews are absolute treasures!
Wow, this is getting better and better...
I really like your characterization of Gideon as a three-dimensional character with good and bad traits. I really like him, even if he is a crazy, half-dead idiot with really bad hair.” I like the way he has a sense of humour, even in the worst of situations, like when he said, "Locomotor Voldemort’s big pot thing." The part where he apologised to the banshee was interesting, too-- it shows his true character, and a kindness that doesn't really befit a Death Eater.
The dream at the beginning with Morticia was also a really poignant scene. I like her, and it's too bad that she died. It makes me sad to think that she and Gideon never got their purple wedding. :-(
The scene in front of the mirror somehow reminded me of George Orwell's "1984"...
Author's Response:
Thank you!
The \'Humour\' prompt (which is, although it\'s probably bent beyond recognition, the part when Gideon\'s rambling about his parents) was probably the most difficult to write. So it\'s simply stupendous to hear that it worked out.
And it still surprises me that someone like me decided to write such a tragedy. Well, I think it\'s a tragedy, but that might have something to do with the fact that I know Morticia\'s parents.
1984... That\'s really random. Although I think I might sort of vaguely almost see where your mind\'s coming from...
But the point is - thanks. It\'s especially unbelievably fabulous to hear that Morticia comes across well, what with being a female OC and all.
*Is speechless* This is an incredibly powerful story. It really sucks the reader into it, and makes you feel Gideon's pain. Literally. After reading this chapter, I felt physically ill, but not in a bad way.
The smoke words were so annoying! I suppose that was your intention... if that's not a test of determination, I don't know what is.
Reading this chapter reminded me of something from "Gucky And The Fork Tree." It was the part of the story that said: He was rarely scared of anything — not because of bravery, but because he just didn’t care about all that many things, because he was stupid."
That almost seems like foreshadowing for this story-- the way that Gideon feels stupid and incompetent, and when you realise how very afraid he is, you see that a situation must be very intense to do that to him.
I like your portrayal of Voldemort. He's very evil and VERY unpredictable, that's for sure.
Author's Response:
I\'ll see your \'speechless\' and raise you a \'literally\'. ;)
I\'m so glad this story is working out like I hoped it might - grief is an incredibly powerful emotion. And this review is so touching!
Yeah - the smoke \'riddle\'... no matter how I tried to work it, a rhyme or logic puzzle felt so out of place. Plus, I needed to fit in a lot of characterisation in a small amount of time. And... well, I could just repeat what you said, but your point regarding the description from Gucky makes me happy ^^ I so hoped that link might come up!
AND yay! Voldemort works! I have so much trouble writing him as a character, and some of the challenges felt like they really bent what could be canon for him and what couldn\'t... Well, obviously they could, based on all the fantastic entries, but it\'s tough!
Finally, I realise this a terribly written response, but thank you - really. *Dances off*
Wow. I don't have the proper vocabulary to describe this story. It's dark and powerful, kind of like molasses, except molasses is also sweet and slow, and this is bitter and fast-paced, so that doesn't really work. Unless it's, like, evil molasses. There we go-- a banner for this story. "Wedding Tears, Funeral Tears: It's, Like, Evil Molasses."
In any case, reading this story made my brain vibrate. It definitely gives you something to think about, and it's a very different depiction of Gideon than that in "Gucky and the Fork Tree," that's for sure.
I must know, though, how did Morticia die? And why was her surname Cornfield-Prewett if they weren't really married?
Oddly, I was very impressed by the death letter. The part that read "Nancy ‘Nipper’ Nit-Tocker, Ward: Bites, Nibbles, Nips and Gnaws" seemed to me like a runaway bit of canon. That's a good thing, by the way.
*Is about to click the next button*
Author's Response:
*Lets out long breath* Phew. I wasn\'t sure whether I was just proud of this story because I\'d fallen in love with the Prewetts.
It\'s dark and powerful, kind of like molasses, except molasses is also sweet and slow, and this is bitter and fast-paced, so that doesn\'t really work. Unless it\'s, like, evil molasses.
Aside from the fact that your whole review made me very happy, this sentence is hilarious, for some reason. But to keep to the point-
Yeah, it feels strange for this to be the second Prewett story posted after Gucky - it\'s like one of his lightest, most innocent moment, and then his darkest, least innocent moment, which is rather strange. He\'s definitely the same guy though. Just a fully grown man, suffering from two major losses.
Oh, and the death letter. Morticia was killed in a random Death Eater attack at Saint Mungo\'s - they do that kind of thing. If there weren\'t so many losses, Smethwyk would have written a longer, more emotive letter since Morticia was one of two (probably...) Trainees he had. Calling her Morticia Cornfield-Prewett is... I suppose you\'d call it a mark of respect for Gideon? Seeing as how he probably had met Healer Smethwyk, and Smethwyk knew they were getting married, and knew how deeply important that was to them - that\'s what Morticia would have wanted to be called.
=) and Nancy \'Nipper\' Nit-Tocker\'s ward is like for little things, like a step in the ladder, and soon Smethwyk will work his way up to Serious Bites.
Wait. Never mind. I can't click the 'next 'button, as chapter two has not been validated.
In any case, I just wanted to say that this story has given me an inferiority complex, as I've just submitted my own gauntlet piece.
Author's Response:
*Bites lip* This story\'s pretty long. Like, six chapters and I don\'t want to have to squash it all together. Hopefully the next chapter will be validated soon. I\'m probably just being paranoid.
And don\'t have an inferiority complex! As a superior being, I order you! Not that I\'m a superior being, or anything... O_O *Makes no sense*
Hopefully you do read the rest of this, because I\'d really love your opinion of the last chapter, which I will not discuss any further. Again, thank you for your divine reviews!
Wow, Jenn! I'm glad you were able to work with using Ginny as a Death Eater. I thought the scene where she killed Percy was very powerful, and the plot was great. It seemed more like a story that had been carefully plotted out than one that was written bit-by-bit according to prompts. I wish it hadn't been so short, though, because I would have liked to see more details on how she got Draco to marry her and on Neville and Lavender's life in hiding. I didn't want the story to end!
I also liked the closure you gave the story with the epilogue-- and naturally, I'm glad that she got back together with Harry!
Author's Response: Yay! Thank you, Schmerg, for your wonderful review! I am so glad you liked it! I owe a big thanks to Anasuya for helping me with the Percy scene, it wasn\'t nearly as good before I got her. I promise, next time I write a story I\'ll put in more detail! Thanks again!
<3, Jenn
Ooh! Wow! I never thought about anyone writing a gauntlet fic about Lavender. This is a very interesting characterisation of her, and she sounds a lot less shallow than the version I've usually read. You use imagery and description well.
There are a few typos, though-- like it says "colorcolour" and "pajamaspyjamas" and "decent" instead of "descent." If you go back and edit that part of your story, it would make it a lot better and take some of the distraction away from it. Sorry to lapse into nitpicky-beta-freak mode! I really like your story, and I can't wait to read more of it!
Author's Response: ah! Shoot! thanks so much. i must have forgotten to delete a word when it was changed. *hits head* thanks!
I'm reviewing my own fic just because it looks bad when a story has zero reviews.
Author's Response: Eesh. Why won\'t this stoopid comment delete?
Author's Response: Aaah! Delete, you accursed comment! I only made you to see if I\'d get an email!
0_0 You are a brave soul to write a story about Petunia! That's amazing. I can't believe Voldemort let a muggle join... this is a truly fantastic, well-written, and well-characterised story that uses an unlikeable character and forces the reader to sympathise with her.
That takes skill.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review!! Actually... I chickend out... Petunia\'s a witch in this story... I guess I should make that more obvious... Anyway... again, thanks so much for the review!
Whoot! It's been posted! *Does a happy dance*
Author's Response: All thanks to you! Schmergo, you\'re the best. ::beams::
OH MY GOOOOOOOOSH! I am smiling so wide, my face is about to split down the middle. This is incredible, truly incredible. (And I love happy ends.)
Sirius is amazingly awesome in this story. I've never liked Sirius in the books because he's so mopey, but the way you wrote him is more like how I imagine his true personality. My favourite quote was, "“Power the Dark Lord knows not?” Sirius asked, puzzled. “Who talks like that?” I don't know why I found it amusing, but I do. (Incidentally, I can't imagine Sirius with a British accent. He's the single character in the Potterverse that that applies to.)
Luna was hilarious, of course, and Remus was perfect. I can't believe he's not a werewolf anymore! This really is the happiest I've ever felt reading fanfiction. ^_^
Your idea about the love room is a truly brilliant one. I now can't wait for the seventh book to see which of your ideas were also used by JK Rowling!
Author's Response: Thank you so much, Schmergo! I actually wrote Sirius the way I did because the Love Room would have purged him of all the \"ickyness\" he got from his time in Azkaban, so he would be a lot less broody. I\'m glad you liked that. I\'m so glad you enjoyed all of this. Thanks for taking the time to let me know.