There is a very nice combination of elements here: a catchy banner, a catchy title, and a very catchy opening chapter. One of the most important things an opening chapter can do is engage the reader in someway. Though I would say that the main plot has not yet revealed itself (to me anyway), there is more than enough going on here to keep anyone who picks up this story interested, in particular your characterisation. Simply put, it’s wonderful.

Perhaps the only “complaint” I could make is the fact that your dialogue seems a bit mature to me for eleven year olds. I don’t mean to say the dialogue is not good, because it is very good. It’s just that I always envisioned children talking in far less formal terms, using a lot of slang, speaking in incomplete sentences … things of that nature. When I read the conversations here, I feel like I am seeing seventh years, not first years. Let me give you a couple of examples:

“I was inspecting the other compartments to try to find someone as nervous as me, so I got good at recognizing the look.”

“I’ll warn you right now that I’m probably not going to remember your names. I’m terrible with names,”

It’s just an opinion and I really hope that it is not taken to mean that I thought poorly of your dialogue, because it is the opposite of the truth. It just felt too mature for eleven year olds in a few places, that’s all (please do not hit me).

I like Jane very much as a character so far, and the way she interacts with James, and everyone else. The notion of James having a twin or any other sibling is not something I had thought of before and I really like the way you have presented it. And, James is done very nicely. You do a good job of keeping him “in character” while writing him in a way that doesn’t feel like I’ve read it hundred of times in other stories. So, great job with the Potter twins.

“Naturally.” He cocked his head arrogantly, winking and smiling a goofy smile. “Would you expect anything less? I am a Potter, after all.”

That seems just like James to me.

I’m looking forward to reading more of this story, and your work in general. This is the first story of yours I think I have read, and it is really quite good. I always enjoy stories where the writer does so well making believable characters, and you have done so nicely with that here.

I really enjoy the way you portray the range of emotions going on inside of Hermione in this opening chapter/prologue. We knew from the books that she was distraught / devastated when Ron left, but we never really got a peak inside like this. You have done a great job completing the picture here.

In particular, I like how you bring out Hermione’s consciousness of the fact that the Horcrux is amplifying the negativity energy in its wearer. I like how you show that she knows it is affecting her dreams and her ability to think clearly, as well as making Ron more unpleasant as well. What I though was the best, however, is how you made her wonder if the whole situation was just giving her a preview of want Ron was going to be like any time he faced adversity. It is so realistic, I think, for her to think about the situation that way, and wonder what it implied for their future. Great job on that!

I also think you maintained a good balance in regards to her disposition on Harry. I can see a part of her being very upset with him, almost wanting to blame him for what has happened, for their current situation. At the same time, she knows what is really going on, why they are doing it, and why they must endure it. It’s like she has these feelings inside that she can’t help, but still hasn’t lost sight of their purpose, their goal.

In the last sentence of the first paragraph, there is a comma at the end of the last sentence, not a period. Um, I can’t think of any reason that should be there. Other than that, I cannot find anything in here that jumps out at me, crying to be fixed. Wonderful job!

Good work on the story, Sabby! I really enjoyed reading it. One of my favourite things about participating in the challenges is getting to see all the different ideas people come up with for the same prompt. One thing I can certainly say about yours is that it was very unique, and certainly not what I expected when I started reading it. What you have here is very enjoyable, great work!

I have a couple comments I would like to make, if you don’t mind. First, I absolutely love the idea of Hugo turning out the way you have him cast here. I can certainly see Hermione being a very strict parent, against which there could certainly be some level of rebellion, especially if Hugo discovers any of the awful things that happened to her when she was at school during the war. Perhaps there could have been a little more explanation on why Hugo felt so strongly. I mean, you did write some general examples, but I mean, what has happened to him personally that has caused him to feel that way?

In this sentence: He had the distinctive look of a boy who had been told all his life her was superior, and knew it, I think you meant he where I underlined.

I kind of like the idea that the rivalry and bad blood still exists between the houses. I know a lot of people would like to think that all of that would just go away after the second war. But, why would it? After all, it survived the first war and hundreds or years of history. So, why wouldn’t all of continue on nineteen years later? I like that you have kept it.

In all, this was an enjoyable read. Good luck in the contest!

Wow!

In my opinion, anything less would be cheating this story of its due. Before I get into the details, let me just recommend that if you are a person/potential reader browsing through the reviews, looking for a good investment of your time, stop right here and go read it before I give anything away. Yes, it is on the longer side for a one-shot, checking in right around five-thousand words. You will not regret taking in any of it, however. Trust me, not a single word is wasted.

/promoting a story I really enjoyed

Characterization has always been a big thing for me and it is arguably this story’s greatest strength. Right from the start, Mar, you do a wonderful job showing us Teddy and Victoire. Some authors would just tell us about their personalities. You, however, let the reader see it through the several well constructed scenes.

I think you did a nice job leading us through the entire series of emotions for Victoire. It starts with her realization that Teddy might be someone she wants to get to know better, having her feelings grow, a steep drop down the roller coaster of disappoint when she feels like she let him down, and then an ending that I’m sure any fan of a good romance story would find rewarding. In each phase, I think you do such a nice job capturing the reader’s interest and really bringing that person into your story.

By far, my favourite scene is where she lets Teddy down. I think you can just feel the disappointment Victoire experiences. You’ve done so well writing it that I think most readers will be able to relate to that feeling through similar experiences in their own lives. It’s almost as if she stood there and watched the two Slytherins picking on the younger Gryffindor like a deer caught in headlights, and then WHAM, she gets blasted when Teddy arrives and berates her for not stepping in to help. I think this whole scene makes you story! I loved it.

Your dialogue is also very good. Speaking as someone who is not exactly able to weave my words together as nicely as a well rehearsed poet, I identified with they way Teddy would say something, then be concerned that it was not taken the right way, or that he had said the wrong thing.

“You know, half the Ravenclaws don’t study as much as you seem to,” Teddy said, opening his Transfiguration book.

Victoire didn’t say anything.

“Oh, I didn’t mean to imply that you need the extra studying,” he rushed, a streak of red appearing in his hair. “I’m sorry, Victoire. I just meant–”

I really can’t say anything else, other than this story is going to be added to my favourites. I know, I know … not exactly the QSQs. Still, I want you to know I enjoyed it that much! Great job!

Author's Response: Wow to you, James, for such a flattering review. -hugs and blushes- I\'m so glad that your favourite scene was the let-down. That was something I envisioned and thought quite a long time about before I wrote it. I wanted to show how much they cared about each other. I hate the feeling that I\'ve let someone down, that I\'ve not lived up to their expectations, and it hurts even more when it\'s someone so important to me. And, dude, my favorite part about that scene of dialogue that you quoted is that, while Teddy thinks he\'s just insulted Victoire, she thinks he\'s caught on to why she would be in the library so much more than the Ravenclaws. Bwaha. Dialogue is something I hash out in my head over and over until I feel it\'s something I could overhear other people saying. I\'m glad it feels real. Thank you so much for an amazing review!

Very nice story, bluemoon13! I enjoyed reading it. I bounced into the most recent section and saw your story. At the time, I saw that you hadn’t gotten a review yet and thought a fellow member of Hufflepuff could use a review. I see, however, someone already beat me to the first review punch. Blast!

Hands down, my favourite parts are the end and the memory of the bullies. In the case of the memory, I can totally see that scene going down the way it. It reminded me, at least a little bit, of the scene where she tells James and Sirius to back off of Severus at School. As for the end, I just like the way you have Severus so uncertain about himself. His eyes were fixed on the white ground. He could only nod.

In this sentence, there was no doubt in Severus’ mind that this could be anything less than perfect, because that was the only way to capture her image.. I am wondering if you meant to say … that this couldn’t be anything less than perfect …. I’ve read it through a couple times here and it seems to make more sense that way. Feel free to kick me if I read it wrong, especially after I said I read it a few times.

I also thought you could have added a little more detail in places to add some impact. For example, in the bully scene, what if when she yelled at them, some unintentional magic occurred, giving the bullies good reason to be scared. I mean, I think the scene still works … but what if when she yelled at them her voice was amplified so loud the bullies thought they were standing right in front of a loud speaker at a concert on full blast. Or … what if a small boulder exploded into small pieces when she scolded them. I guess, being a former bully myself (kidding), the scene would be even better if we saw exactly why they were so scared of her.

Great story and good luck in the contest!

Being that I entered the one-shot challenge this month as well, I always like to bounce around the other entries and check out the competition. **cough** I mean, see what others have come up with in response the same prompt. I can say this much about your fic: if I were judging, this story would definitely be one of the finalists! I thought this was a simply marvellous story!

The main thing I loved about it was the way you did the interaction between Petunia, Lily, and Severus, especially Petunia! As I was reading, I just thought to myself ‘wow, she’s got Tuney down perfectly!’ Just the overall nastiness and rudeness she expresses towards Severus, all the while Lily is defending him.

“I think it’s cruel to make an animal fat just so that it will like you,” added Petunia.

That was just one of my favourite parts! It was so mean, and poor Severus isn’t doing anything at all. She’s just all over him about it.

I also really liked the whole thing you did about him having the potion all made and ready to go for her. How he tested it on himself to make sure it was safe and that it had the effect he wanted. He has it all planned and then his mother finds it and wrecks the whole thing, leaving him with nothing to give her. I also liked the replacement gift you came up with. I thought it that it was a great idea: turning his favourite Christmas ornament into a little necklace charm.

The ending, however, was probably the best part. When he gets he gift back and finds out that it was found on her body when she died. That part was what really sewed the whole thing up for me. Lily hadn’t hated him, per se, she hated the darker path he had chosen for his life … one she simply could not follow him down.

Great job … that’s all I can say. I can certainly see this entry winning. Either way, great work and I’ll be looking forward to reading more of your work in the future!

Author's Response: Wow! Thank you so much for your thoughtful review, and best of luck to you in the challenge as well! :)

You know something, I’ve been doing these one-shot challenges regularly for a while now and this has to be one of the strongest fields I have seen yet. Before reading this piece, I already had read at least three stories that I thought I could easily make arguments for as the winner. I’m going to have to add this one to the list. This was just wonderful to read. Picking a winner is going to be so difficult this time around, because no matter who wins, several stories here are certainly deserving.

There is a very poetic feeling to your writing and it drew me in right from the opening few paragraphs. You just paint this wonderful picture of the way Severus sees Lily, and do it so nicely.
His most precious secret he buried under the first folds of his heart and even so it found a way to peek through everything he did: her smile was his sunlight. I thought this was a really incredible line – just the way it sounded to me.

The symbolic use of the kite in this story great too. The way Severus is chasing after it all the time because it is so wonderful, so beautiful to him … but it is just out of reach. The scene where they were sitting there with the kite when it was almost broken in two, I just loved how you made the weather reflect the mood. I liked the way the Lily was just wishing her kite was fixed and that the she could make the rain stain away.

I thought you did a very nice job with the dialogue and interaction between Severus and Lily too. Dialogue is hard enough to make believable as it is, much less with ten-year-olds. I thought you did a very nice job with it.

“Nobody controls the rain, Lily,” he told her laughingly.

“I wish I could. I’d order it to keep well away,” she said wistfully.

“Then the plants would die,” he reminded her practically.

She sighed again, finally standing up. “You’re right. You’re always right. I think we’d better go. Maybe we can find something fun to do inside.”

What can I say? You have done a really nice job on this story and I think, along with about four others, that this story has a shot to win. Yes – it’s that good! Good luck in the challenge!

Author's Response: Wow! What a wonderful, shiny review! Thanks very much, I rarely get reviews like this. I loved using a kite in this. I thought it was so fitting. And I\'m glad you liked their dialogue, I was wondering if it really sounded like ten year olds. I tend to make kids sound older, \'cause all of the little kids I know act like they are older than me...;P Thanks again. And good luck to you too!

Happy Holidays, Sly! I just finished reading your entry into the Winter Snows challenge and I enjoyed it very much. It got me thinking about a lot of things, what it’s like to go through the Holidays for the first time after losing loved ones. It just wouldn’t be the same, something you really bring out in Andromeda’s character here.

I really liked how you did Andromeda’s happy memory of her ‘bad’ sisters. I thought it was interesting to see Bellatrix bewitching a tree to sing Christmas carols. It’s not something we would expect. It shows us that maybe, in their innocent youth, Bellatix and Narcissa were not always ‘evil’. It hammers home the point that Christmas was once a happy time for Andromeda, if only briefly.

I also liked your portrayal of Harry and Ginny. I thought it was very interesting to see a look at them, post-war. In particular, I like how Harry brought the Muggle decorations into the home, and Ginny was in the kitchen cooking a wonderful Holiday feast, just like her mother would.

You also did a very nice job with baby Teddy. I especially like how you noted the constant changing of his hair color, which seemed in my opinion like it somewhat reflected his mood. I’m assuming you did that intentionally, anyway. Babies also do seem memorized by Christmas lights and holiday decorations. Something you captured very well here. You also did a great job portraying how Teddy picked up on the mood of the people / surroundings. We have a lot of babies in our family and they definitely pick up on things, even when the adults are trying to conceal the mood.

I would like to make a few additional comments on things I noticed. In paragraph fifteen, in this sentence, It was surprising survived as many Black Family Christmases as she had, I think you probably meant to have the word she between surprising and survived. I hope I am not reading that one wrong.

Second, I had to laugh when I read this sentence: The other was no more her family than the president of the United States. I’m not sure you were trying to make a political dig there, but I sure read it that way. Still, I got a good laugh out of it.

Finally, the only real criticism I have is that at times you seem to belabor the point about how miserable Andromeda is during the story. A perfect example of this would be the four paragraphs. After reading the first three, as a reader, I felt like fairly clear on the subject of Andromeda’s misery. Then, in the next paragraph you wrote: The floor felt like ice, but she didn’t bother to warm it. Her feet might as well be as cold as her heart. I know you did that for effect, but I just wonder if it was overkill.

In places, your story seems to come back to this point over and over again. Instead of telling us how miserable she was, maybe you could have shown it more. You did it at times, like when she didn’t want to get out of bed. I would have liked to see more things like that. Like maybe looking out the window and seeing another cold, dreary day instead of a wonderful winter wonderland like she did as child. Does that make any sense? It’s just an opinion, take from it whatever you like.

Overall, I thought it was a great story. I suspected you were going to bring Narcissa into it in the end, and I really liked how you did it. It wasn’t like she opened the door and they just had one of those great-big-forget-everything-that-has-happened hugs. It was a small step that left a warm feeling in Andromeda’s heart, hope for something better in the future. To me that was just a very real, wonderful ending. Great job on your story, and good luck in the challenge!

As one of your other reviewers has already touch on, I loved this line: There were ten children whom he never got to meet; ten children who only knew stories of him; ten Christmases without a golden painted gnome on the top of the tree.. If the reader has any background in the HP series, I think it would be very hard for he or she to read that passage and not be moved. Well done.

Another part that I really enjoyed was when Arthur was reflecting about past Christmases with the twins. You talked about the twins getting into everything and Fred and George causing all sorts of havoc when they learned they could do magic. I think what could have made this part even better is the use of detailed images from the past. By just adding a single paragraph, you could talk about how Arthur remembers the twins opening everyone’s gifts one morning to find their own, or causing all the Christmas tree decorations to fly around the room. Does that make any sense? Something fun and crazy that really shows us the havoc they caused, that really shows how Arthur remembers them.

I really like the part where Fred asks his Arthur why they named him after Uncle Fred when thinking about him just makes everyone sad. I think it illustrates very well how a young child can misunderstand complicated emotions sometimes, causing adults to have to go back and try to explain it all to them.

Beyond the addition of concrete images that I mentioned above, I don’t have much else to critique you on without resorting to the highest level of nitpicking. Even then, I don’t think I’d be able to find too much to say. Though I’m no master mechanic when it comes to grammar, I didn’t find any glaring mistakes in that department, so you and your beta have done a great job in that regard as well. I think this is a brilliant piece of writing here and it probably has a excellent chance to score you some points in the challenge! Great job!

I seem to be on something of a Remus Lupin roll lately. Doing so completely unintentionally, this is like the third story on MNFF about the character I have read in a row. I mostly bounce around the various categories and just pick fics at random.

The thing that really gripped me when reading this was not so much Remus’ situation, but the absolute horror it must have been for his parents. The thought of locking a child in a cellar for his own good while he looks at his parents pleading, “Why?” It tears at my insides. I cannot imagine it. Even from the point of view of Remus, you manage to capture that harrowing predicament marvelously.

I also liked the unclear nature of Remus’ recollection of the attack. Many times, you hear accounts of victims who have the misfortune of having something like that happen to them that are foggy at best. It either happens so fast that they hardly realized what happened, which I can completely envision in the case of a werewolf attack, or the experience is so horrible that the victim’s mind blacks out many of the details. Great job on this part of your story as well.

When I came across this sentence, I wondered if it needed to be reworded a little bit: before, you weren’t a little bit hungry, but now the pain has stopped, all you want is food. I have read it several times over now and I still find the wondering a bit unclear. You weren’t a little bit hungry before, but now you’re starving – do we need the word even in there after weren’t. Or, perhaps you could say you weren’t the slightest bit hungry before.... Take a look at that one when you have a moment and see what you think.

A previous reviewer mentioned a canon issue with Fenrir Greyback. I would suggest correcting this by simply taking his name out altogether. In my opinion, the paragraph is every bit as effective only mentioning a werewolf. Truthfully, I don’t think the reader knowing it was Fenrir adds anything. Besides, nine out of ten of your readers will know who it is anyway. Omitting it just seems to be an easy fix for anyone wanting to beat the canon drum.

Good job on this first installment of SPEW 007. I’ll be looking forward to see more from you.