That was a very creative piece! You tied everything really well into Behind these Hazel Eyes. I applaud you for that.

One of the things I found absolutely amazing about your writing is that you set the scenery to match the mood, much like John Steinbeck. That is quite a feat! Plus, it works really well in D/A. The rain clearly symbolized sadness, and so forth

You also used great adjectives and overall description throughout the piece. You didn’t overdo it, but there was enough to set the tone perfectly.

I also found it interesting that you added some of your *theories* into the piece, such as Ravenclaw’s box being a Horcrux.

There was never a wedding. There is not a better way to put that. The simplicity was so powerful and overwhelming, great job.

Her hair wispy, white, and dead looking, her skin pale, and wrinkled, dark shadows under her eyes. This wasn’t the reflection of a human, this was a skeleton, a corpse bride. Great imagery! You set the tone with this really well! Appearance is an important part of D/A, and you utilized that. Great job!

In the morning, Ron found me asleep, my head resting on the rim of the coffin, my hand holding Harry's. After he told me this, I slapped him, hard. I didn’t really understand this line. Did she slap him when he woke her up, or when he told her later? Try to clarify that.

You were contradictory with the dates. In the first paragraph, you said she lost Harry on the 19th, but the grave said the 16th.

Some spelling/grammar issues:

The church were his body was in was dark, It should be where instead of were.

Yes, runaway. There should be a space between run and away.

All the buildings are closes It should be closed instead of closes.

I don’t what to say to it You should add a know into there before what and after don’t.

Overall, great job! This was an exquisite piece of D/A!

This was absolutely adorable! I’m usually drawn to reading dark, angsty, depressing fics, and this was a very pleasant change of pace. I especially loved how you wrote the fic from Luna’s POV. We don’t see that much, so I found your originality very intriguing and creative. Great job. The fic was also very well written and flowed perfectly.

“It’s a lovely morning, isn’t it?” I say as I spread marmalade across it.

Priscilla gives me a strange look, glancing up at the torrential rain falling from the enchanted ceiling. “It’s pouring down rain, Luna,” she says slowly. A loud clap of thunder accentuates her words.

“Well, yes,” I say, (after all, she was pointing out the obvious) “but Nargles are nesting in this time of year, and all this rain will wash their nests away.”

That is my favorite part right there. That is just so incredibly Luna! Its hysterical! You did an amazing job keeping her in character throughout the fic. She’s a difficult character to write because of how random she is, but you did a great job. You also did a great job with the reactions of the people around her to what she said. *laughs* It was quite funny!

The one thing that you could improve on is grammar. When I’m reading through and there is a misplaced semi-colon, I find myself obsessing over that instead of focusing on the plot line. I suggest that you read through and maybe get a beta for dialogue errors and stuff.

Overall, really amazing job! I really like the style of this writing, and I hope to see more soon. Also, while I’m here, I’d like to comment on your classroom scene. I’m taking a class about classroom scenes over on the MNFF Beta Boards, and I’ll have to recommend this fic to our Prof, because you did an awesome job with the classroom! You are an all around great writer! Keep up the good work!

CJ

As I'm sure you are aware, we analyzed this fic in DADA first years. I thought you might be interested to see what I wrote. I really did like this. It was an interesting take on the Potterverse and on a topic not usually written about. I applaud your efforts, you did a great job.

My analyzation (I'm sorry if some of the HTML coding doesn't come through properly):

[b]Appearance[/b]

[QUOTE][i] The woman’s arm is outstretched, as if in her dying moment, she had reached for her lost little girl.[/i][/QUOTE]

This is a very clear example of love. Even in death, this woman (who I assume is Marlene) professes her love to her daughter through posture, a form of appearance. This adds to the dark/angst in the story because it paints a coherent image in the mind of the reader of a dead body reaching out of love and life. That is pretty dark if you ask me! It is also angsty, because it is almost as if she is asking for the love of her “lost little girl.” This makes the reader anxious about what is to come.

[QUOTE] the woman’s brown eyes widened.[/QUOTE]

The widening of eyes can symbolize many things. The context this quote is used in suggests that the woman’s (Marlene’s) eyes are widening in terror. For one that is easily scared, a less dramatic action usually occurs, but here, you can tell that Marlene is not one that is easily scared, thus the widening of the eyes so elaborately put in the piece. This adds a lot to the dark/angst of the story because of the symbolic fear suggested by the widening of the eyes. The reader wonders what she is scared of, what will become of her, and why she was so surprised by the events previous to this statement.


[b]Actions[/b]

[QUOTE]He stands in the middle of the room, staring at his hands incredulously.[/QUOTE]

This tells us that the character (Travers) is surprised at this moment. He clearly doesn’t understand something, namely what has been going on with him. For Travers not to understand this, he usually must have a grasp on his thoughts, emotions, and actions, so when they were under the control of someone else, he was extremely surprised. This adds to the dark/angst of the story because of many small details. One, the prolonged silence. This sentence makes it clear that Travers was staring at his hands, thinking, for quite a bit before he reacted. This makes the reader anxious; what exactly is he thinking? Why does this come as a surprise to him? Why the sudden change in actions? Why the pause? The language used also makes this dark. “Incredulously” shows an almost skeptical take on the fic. This could easily be interpreted as dark.

[QUOTE] He shakes her brutally before pulling her hair back to force her head up.[/QUOTE]

Some of the adjectives the author used in this sentence describe the character in itself. “Brutal” is one such adjective. By the actions described here, you clearly see the brutality of the character. Travers can also be described as vicious, violent, and cruel from simply this sentence! The addition to dark/angst is brutally clear here. The reader is anxious about what will happen because of this action, as well as appalled at Traver’s actions here and previous to this statement. The violence of his movements are dark in themselves.

[b]Thoughts[/b]

[QUOTE][I]Marlene wasn’t the weakling, I realize. I was. [/I][/QUOTE]

Here we see Travers' thoughts. This is all the way at the end of the fic, right before he is killed. Travers finally realises that this whole time, he has thought he was strong and other were weak, but it wasn't until his life flashed before his eyes that he realised who the weakling was. This tells us that Travers is in possesion of a healthy self-esteem, yet he realises the truth once it hits him. The statement adds to the D/A for obvious reasons. An epiphany like such always makes the reader wonder anxiously about what the realisation will bring.

[QUOTE][I]I hear Karkaroff shout the Killing Curse at me. And I welcome the green light.[/I][/QUOTE]

Another thought closer to the end of the fic, actually, the last sentence! Here we see Travers thoughts again, this time as he is dying. The fact that he is welcoming death tells us that he isn't as bad as he thinks, because anyone purely evil will do anything to evade death, as clearly shown by Voldemorts Horcruxes. Travers knows when he has failed, and what he deserves because of it. This adds to the D/A (1) because it involves death, which is dark in itself, and (2) because of the way it is put. Welcoming death is almost as bad as suicide, another dark piece, which is angsty because the reasons behind the suicide/welcoming of death are often pondered.

[b]Speech [/b]

[QUOTE]“Cy…Cy…nusss.” ... “Cy…nusssss.” [/QUOTE]

These two lines are spoken by Marlene as she dies. The words are a plea for help and a question. The question asks in these words is simple, why. This tells us that Marlene is compassionate, because at ones death, many brode over there own situation and become angry at the killer. Marlene, however, embraces her death and instead worries over the one still living. This is D/A again because of character death, and also because of the anxious pleas she is making in her speech. The words themselves are angsty as well, simply because of the way they are written.

[QUOTE]The man sighs, bored. “[I]Liberacorpus[/I],” he says with a flick of his wand. [/QUOTE]

Here we see the pure evil of Travers. He has no compassion for the person he tortures, and is simply doing it. The D/A is easily shown in the boredom of his speech and the spell spoken, one that will torture the target.

[b]Other Characters Reactions[/b]

[QUOTE]To his surprise, Marlene turns her head to stare into his menacing eyes. Her face is soft and beautiful, despite the fatigue that mars it. “Cynus,” she whispers. “Cynus, this isn’t you.”[/QUOTE]

Again, a show of compassion from Marlene. Her reaction to Travers' pure adulterated evil is to help him, how much more compassionate can you get? This adds to the D/A because of her [B]appearance [/B] when she says this and the simplicity of her words.

[QUOTE]“Oh, Marlene,” he sobs as he kneels down next to the deranged woman. “I’m sorry, old friend.” He places his wand tenderly on Marlene’s back. “[I]Avada Kedavra[/I],” he whispers. [/QUOTE]

Here, Travers realises his mistake in killing Marlene, and instead of letting her die a slow and painful death, he quickly AK's her. This is a true example of the statement: People can surprise you. This tells us that deep down, Travers is compassionate, but it isn't usually showed. As far as adding to the D/A goes, there is death, apologies, and sobbing. Plus, the whisper he speaks in and the tender in his actions are also D/A.