Well, it has been quite a while since I read this story. At least six months. I'm mentioning this in the review because it will be interesting to read something that I read once long ago as well as something that you wrote quite a while ago and see what the differences in my perception are.

It's hard for me, such a romantic, to read genfic sometimes, but I do like it, and this is a great missing moment, something that certainly hasn't been written a million times over, and so it's a fresh story to read, even when the reader has read it before.

I can't help but think that, when Hermione leaves the boys for the library, that the story would be pretty enthralling if we had gotten to see her thought process as she had this grand pipe epiphany. In the first paragraph, you had the small, almost insignificant phrase of 'small wonder' in reference to Harry and Ron discussion Quidditch, and that was a very subtle, yet grabbing moment for the reader. It gives Hermione a spark of personality, and urges the reader to continue to find out what else Hermione is thinking. So then when the reader gets to the fourth and fifth paragraph, it feels a little bare because there isn't any illumination into Hermione's mind. But you bring it back in the sixth paragraph when she's 'searching for the book she knew was there'. It's just little phrases like that which I feel could draw in the reader more.

But oh snap.

I absolutely adore your introduction of Penelope in this story! I had completely forgotten, but it's so perfect, and so exactly the kind of person Hermione needs to encounter in that moment - someone so very like her. I'm so amused by it. I think that the dynamic and similarities between Penelope and Hermione are what make this story so interesting. Well, you know, aside from the fact that no one else has written this situation.

The only other thing I would say is that this story does feel rather rushed, and you could've articulated more the thoughts Hermione was having and given more of a natural flow to the situation that developed between Hermione and Penelope. There's a lot that they talk about, but it's all very rapid. It can be difficult to handle conversations, but I've seen you do it rather well in other stories sometimes, so I know you can do it. I think sometimes you're just eager to finish the story already. -wink- Not that there's anything REALLY wrong with this story. It is a very solid story, these are just the things I think could've made it better, and things that I think you might keep in mind next time you write Penelope. I mean next time you write, because I'm totally not hinting at the fact that I would be keenly interested in seeing you write some Percy/Penelope as she is here. No, why would I say that? I'm just leaving you a review. -shifty eyes-

Well, well, well, first off, I can’t believe I haven’t already reviewed this! Second, you have introduced us to Emmaline in such a way that seems slightly ridiculous but something very endearing and relatable to us as readers.

After dinner, she’d come straight to her usual study spot, the same place she had been before dinner. It was a routine.

Just a bit of something I would iron out here. I would change ‘she’d’ to ‘she had’ or ‘she would’ if you want to develop the rest of the paragraph more in that vein. And then I would take out the ‘a’ to make it simply ‘It was routine’ because then you outline her routine.

I love that some of the key parts of this story take place in the library. Aside from other connotations, libraries have always just been such deeply important places for me. Settings are always so important to me when I read a story. I think a lot of authors wash over setting, but they forget that the reader only sees as much as the writer illustrates, and adding the perfect setting can make a story so much more meaningful. So yes. Yay library!

Hmm... If I were to suggest one thing for effect in this story, it would be to take out the mention that the only class they share is Potions. If you only mentioned that they had one class together, then I wouldn’t get to the scene in potions and be like, ‘Alright, cue Emmeline/Regulus moment.’ I mean, I’d be guessing this is the class they had together, but it wouldn’t be so cut and dry expected.

Maybe while she was stirring her potion or bending over to reach an ingredient, maybe she glanced up to look at Regulus. Maybe.

Hee! I love that part. I lurve it, even.

It wasn’t that he was bothering her, exactly, but enough was enough.

Yeah right, Emmeline. Yeah. freaking. right. You know you’re bothered by it, but you just don’t realize that it’s the sort of bother that you like. Mwahaha.

And, Regulus, I adore you. The end. And he totally won that conversation. I don’t know how he did it, except that he’s Regulus and just awesome like that, so YAY for him being awesome and you showing us how awesome he is. Wheeeee!

I have to agree with what Leanne said in her review about Sirius. Emmeline should know who he is. She should at least recognize him, even if she didn’t think about them being brothers before seeing them together. Either that or it should be evident that Emmeline spends so much time ignoring anything but her books and her immediate friends and her lessons that she doesn’t know him.

When Emmeline is doubting things by the lake, I would have liked to see more of those doubts ennumerated upon to build up the tension. Also, it’s something most of us can completely relate to, and that is an easy way to grip your readers more emotionally.

And the entire ending is just so freaking cute! I get so caught up in it and it’s just fantastic, and I do like the fact that they don’t kiss then. And I also agree that the A/N about Arcturus should be at the beginning, but I totally squee-ed when I came across it for the first time. Thank you for such a wonderfully orchestrated story. I think the middle was my favorite part, but very good all around.

Er, just one other thing... Didn’t Ashley help you with the story, too? I remember her saying something about it a while back. -skips away thinking happily about the story-

And, again, I can’t BELIEVE I didn’t review this before. -facepalm-

First of all, go Hufflepuff! I love reading stories about fellow badgers. It’s so much nicer to have variety in characters, especially since there are four houses.

I loved the way you showed Professor Sprout. She’s seen very rarely in the books, and even less rarely in fan fiction, it seems. What I appreciated particularly in your depiction of Sprout was that she was completely honest with Joseph. She knew it was going to hurt Joseph to hear the bottom line, and she could have chosen to simply sugar coat it or skirt around the harsh truth, but she knew that it would be more beneficial to him to know now, no matter what. I think that’s something that people do when they truly care about others. They care more about the ultimate happiness of those they care about rather than just pleasing them in the moment. And, yes, that was a short scene, but you illustrated that small, yet very important, Hufflepuff characteristic very well. It is evident how much Sprout cares about her students.

Jessica seems to be such a strong, lovely girl. I was so glad that she was there with Joseph when he got his scores back. She’s such a support to him, and seeing as he doesn’t take that knowledge for granted, and then the subsequent suggestion for tea when it’s not his favorite, I’m confidently assuming that he’s just as great to her as she is to him. Then, in the next section of the story, my assumptions are wonderfully confirmed. The two young people have such a beautiful and healthy relationship, and you’ve shown the readers that without stating it point blank. I think it’s hard to simply show and not tell sometimes, but it makes stories so much better when the former happens rather than the latter.

(I’ve just read the other review for this story now, and I didn’t feel like you overdid things on the telling side. Sometimes you, as the author, may want to emphasize things a little bit more, and there’s nothing wrong with that, so I think it really just depends on the rhetorical situation and your own preferences.)

I have an issue with one thing in the story, though. That would be when Uncle John, ex-Auror, as you very well know, has to walk across the room to get his wand out of a special case. I’m sure Alastor Moody was an extreme case, but I cannot believe that an ex-Auror would not have his wand immediately at hand. It just does not seem logical.

I’m not quite sure I forgive you for not letting Aiden be alive. Really. Reading about that tender memory of Joseph giving Aiden the bear and then going on to read that he’s not alive anymore was so heart-wrenching. You wrote it wonderfully.

I can see why this story won the challenge. You told it very well, and I enjoyed reading it!

Author's Response:

Thanks, Mar! I know you reviewed this ages ago, and I\'ve been a big time slacker in terms of responding. There is a lot of person significance in this story for me - probably not in ways that I will ever share. Still, I really poured a lot into it emotionally ... and it came out pretty much as good as I could have hoped (it\'s the only story I have that I like 100%).

For the most part, I really like this story when I first read it during the SPEW swap. It’s still a delightful story, but, of course, since I’m examining it more closely for review purposes I’m seeing more of the good and bad. Bear with me as I try to phrase my thoughts as I read this a second time.

The opening sentence is written as if they are Draco’s direct thoughts, and so that thought before the comma should be set off with italics, not just the comma.
In the second paragraph, I know exactly how Draco looks, but it’s worded in such an awkward way. I’ve totally been in that situation in my own writing, where you know exactly how it looks in your head, and you can write that exactly for your readers, and they see it, but it’s just worded in such an awkward, almost gangly way. First, it’s just a short little two-sentence paragraph that could perhaps be combined with something else. It’s just that when you have such a short paragraph set off and it’s just narration, it’s usually some significant kind of thing that is supposed to stand out from other things. But I don’t know really what else you could add to it, or what you would add it to, because it doesn’t really belong in the paragraph that precedes or follows it. So I guess I’m saying that it feels weird, but I have no solid suggestion as to how to fix that. Maybe add something about how it’s a very stark contrast for him to be looking so worried and haggard and to be hunched over when he’s usually such a cool, calm, and collected person, as is fitting for any Malfoy. You know? Okay, second, that second sentence’s wording is what brings so much of my attention to this paragraph in the first place. Maybe something like, “He leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, shoulders hunched over, his hair falling messily into his eyes.” That’s the image I got in my head, anyway.

Bah, I really didn’t mean to spend so long going over those couple of things in the beginning because, overall, I think this opening section is brilliantly done. The first six paragraphs set up such an anxious atmosphere, and it has that constant undercurrent of Draco’s annoyance, which culminates in his thinking, “Happy Christmas to me. Stupid baby,” etc. The first time I read this, I was very in the zone with Draco, but the second time, I’m much more amused by his thoughts than empathetic to them. Which isn’t bad at all. I just am telling you about it.

Okay, I know this could sound lame, but I just want to say that I love that you have the IRMW thing. As a writer myself, I know that these kinds of details sometimes go overlooked, but I know that I like to hear that people appreciated them. And I did here. Because when an author has thought of these kind of things and covered all the ground with background and setting, it makes the story so much richer. Of course there would be medical people, and you have given them a very logical name, and after you introduce it to your readers, you revert very naturally and practically to the abbreviation that the witches and wizards certainly use themselves. Very nice, Mere.

A child that could grow up and become a copy of himself.

He wasn’t ready to watch it. He didn’t want it. He was scared of it.

Again, two more brilliant insights into Draco’s head, and they’re powerful and very legitimate. I think these two lines in particular show greater insight into why Draco is not anticipating this whole fatherhood thing. It’s not just some random aversion, he has some valid reasons. It shows such a human side of Draco.

I love that you move from Draco’s discomfort into Astoria’s excitement, and the excitement that spreads to his parents as well. I love the list of lists. More of those small details that give the story such a realistic feeling.

And then we move into this section where we see the other reason Draco is not happy about this baby. His extreme love for Astoria makes him resent the hardship of the pregnancy and what that baby is putting his wife through with this whole birth thing, like, how selfish of the kid, right? And I’m very glad that the assistant healer gives Draco a talking-to for his behavior. I had initially expected her to kind of be sympathetic and then usher him in, because that’s more typical for any stories or television or movies, and so I liked this refreshing turn of events. Someone needed to talk some sense into Draco, after all.

I also appreciate that you don’t end this in typical fashion, with Draco seeing his son and instantly falling in love and getting over all of his apprehension and resentment. That’s something that is very expected, and I think that the absence of it makes the theme you’re conveying more powerful. This story isn’t about Scorpius at all, it’s only about Draco and his love for Astoria. I like that you kept that central at all times. You did a very good job with this story.

Author's Response: akljteiom2ntklkhalkjgrllk alkjhg lkqagj; aihj l l l; Reviewer of the Month, indeed! -dies- Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! for such an amazing review. I know what you mean about that line in the opening section . . . I'll have to see what I can do with it. Ahh! I love you for pointing out the IRMW thing. I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about it, but I did spend enough to do a little dance after reading that you appericated those details. ;-) Thank you, again - I really can't say it enough - for your wonderful, thoughtout, helpful comments. =D xox Mere

There is so much detailed in this festive and cheery holiday story, Afifa! You’ve certainly imagined up a lovely scene for each part of the story. However, I think there is a lot more ‘telling’ in this story than there is ‘showing.’ By this, I mean that you kind of list everything that’s happening, every motion, everything in the room. As an author, I know you probably want to be sure that your audience isn’t missing anything, but sometimes less is more. As I read through the story I felt almost a bit overwhelmed by the amount of description, and I found myself having to reread to be sure that I got the entire picture that you were trying to paint. It’s a fine line to walk, trying to determine how much description is too much and how much is not enough. In the first paragraph alone, we read about James in bed, Lily’s absence, how much she loves cooking, that it’s Christmas, and a list of things she’s already prepared. I certainly had to catch my breath. In the future I would just suggest carefully guiding your readers along instead of trying to make sure that they don’t miss one detail, if that makes sense.

There was cold turkey on the kitchen table. Fruits were overflowing from a bowl. A lobster was on a plate, and so on.

I only mention this because it kind of takes away from the flow, but since you’ve broken these up so they each have their own sentence, the ‘and so on’ doesn’t fit very well. It also is rather out of place at the end of a paragraph so rich in details when it trails off with such a nondescript statement.

The story, as a whole, has some very nice moments. I enjoyed seeing the different interactions between James and Lily throughout. In the beginning you showed them being a typical couple. We got to see that part of James that is still a Marauder, and how Lily loves it and kind of mentally rolls her eyes at it anyway, and the end was very tender between them when Lily breaks the news that she’s pregnant.

Seeing Lily and James open up their kitchen and their hearts to so many orphans was touching and not a typical plot point, which made for a good read. A very sweet story, dear SPEW buddy.

Author's Response: Ah, I've finally got on responding to this. :$

I really do get what you mean about showing and not telling. Once I got a letter from an ex-mod saying the same thing and it's definitely something I need to work on. =]



Thank you for the lovely comments and the critic, Mar! I'm glad that you liked it. =]

First off, this was totally the prompt that I wanted for writing one of my LoveNotes, and now I know who stole it before I could get to it!

I love the way you open up the narrative because you present Arthur to us in a way that is very practical, very real, but more importantly it gives us that immediate connection to him. How many of us have felt exactly as he does here? Sure we’ve been in love at first sight and had those kinds of Hollywood-fairytale feelings, but they’re most often one-sided. Giving the reader that link to the character is a great way to both engage and characterize. This line especially: Despite continuously telling himself that it was never going to happen, Arthur couldn’t help but still love her. That just kills me (in a good way) because it’s something that I’ve absolutely felt, and so it makes the story all the more real.

Another thing that I like is the way that you’ve presented love in this story. We see the way that it feels so hopelessly one-sided sometimes, and you also show different phases and aspects. When we see that Arthur thinks Molly is basically the most perfect and kindest girl ever, you show us how love can really blind you to a person’s faults. This story does take place when they’re young, of course, but we know from the books that Molly can be quite impatient and temperamental, so reading Arthur’s thoughts about her made me smile. Then you show that he does get to know her much better, though he doesn’t ever really change that tender opinion of his wife, just adds the faults to it but adores her in spite of (and likely also because of) them. You also show us their awkward, bumbling beginning, and then hints that Molly may have a bit of an attachment, too, with her blushing at that first significant encounter. All of these small things just build up the feeling of excitement and giddiness that I love and adore and always hope for in a story about people getting together, all the while showing the reality of it.

I must admit, however, that I think it is a bit of a stretch for Molly and Arthur to have that walk down to the Great Hall in complete silence. Molly did ask him to walk with her, and they are in the same house and year, so surely they would have at least something to strike up a conversation over, even if they only manage an awkward attempt that dies off after just a few moments, you know? The castle is a pretty big place, so I imagine that they have a ways to walk. I just found this a bit out of sync with the rest of the fic because starting in the very next section, you tell us about how Molly then approaches him quite a lot (’[Molly] laughed and joked with him like they were old friends, until they were in fact old friends’). So that idea of a completely silent walk is just incongruent with the rest of the story.

But, oh, the rest of the story. That second section just picks the reader up and carries them straight off to the end of the story without really any point for the reader to want to stop or hesitate at all. The narration builds and pulls the reader along quickly and effortlessly. You have a wonderful balance of showing the ‘and so time passes’ and the ‘getting to know each other’ bits and then building it up for the declaration which could have easily been cheesy, but it wasn’t! Arthur is just so sincere, and you’ve built him to be that way through the entire fic, so much so that you don’t even dream of reading his declaration as anything but sincere and wonderful. It didn’t go over the top, and yet it was thorough.

I also loved Molly’s reaction. She didn’t just fall into his arms and make big declarations back. This was a surprise to her, and you’ve shown that. But it was a pleasant surprise, one that she is pleased by immensely, and the way the situation is resolved was just perfect. Loved reading this little fic, Jen. It was just so lovely. I can’t resent you for stealing that prompt because you used it ever so well.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for this wonderful review, Mar! :D Wow. I'm just grinning hugely from all your lovely praise. I'm sorry for stealing your prompt, but I'm very glad that I did it justice. :) I did try to make Arthur and Molly's love as realistic and teenager-y as possible, because I think that in the Potterverse and in fanfic it all just gets a bit too surreal, if you know what I mean. The silence on their walk is something that I never noticed until you pointed it out, but now that you have I can see the flaws in it too. I'll go back and change that when I have the time. Thanks again, dear! :)

This was such a lovely poem, Spire. It hits the emotions that Tonks must have been feeling just spot on. The first three lines are very striking, and they’re of course very straightforward for what the poem is about. You used them as a recurring device so well. First to set up the theme, then to build that yearning and desperation just after the middle, and then at the end as a statement for how Tonks feels about Remus.

But then the closing line turns around and asks for that reciprocation and affirmation of feelings, finishing that other very important theme in the poem – that Tonks loves Remus, and that she knows that he loves her, too, but won’t accept that. Remus is so focused on his own self-doubt that he doesn’t realize that his forced indifference, his unwillingness to just be with her, and saying that she doesn’t feel that way about him ‘is an insult to’ her. And that’s so true. That line that I’ve quoted really drives the emotional point home to the reader.

The beautiful simplicity that comes through by putting these thoughts and feelings of Tonks into a poem is very powerful. I really enjoyed it. Looking at the phrasings of the lines, it all flows so well. The emphasis and breaks draw attention to so many nuances.

But, if there’s one thing I know
Of this love –
Whether it be desirable
Or not --

Here, for example, the second and fourth lines are like those half-hesitant almost doubts that we have in our minds when we say something important. I loved it. Truly great poem.

Author's Response: Thank you! xx