Oh, brilliant. Very good reworking of the song. I know this song pretty well and was able to sing along (yes I'm that sad), so you matched the rhythm of the original pretty well (I'd possibly cut either 'Merlin' or 'so' in the last line of the first verse because I stumbled a bit on singing it, but as a poem it scans very well.

Nice job. The effort paid off. ~Carole~

Author's Response:

Haha, Minna said the same thing about that line, but by that time, I had like... fifteen minutes before the challenge closed in my time zone, couldn't think of anything else, and yeah. I'll probably edit and cut the 'so' for the hell of it.

Glad you liked it, and I'm also glad it's over, too. :D

~Jess

Oh! I was giggling at this and smiling at your rhymes (in a good way) then I was brought up short by the ending. That's really quite sad. Wow, I CANNOT feel sorry for Snape - I really cannot.

Gina, I like this poem rather a lot and do wish you'd join PA - you'd rock that place so badly. (yes, we're tied, but I do have a Snape oneshot somewhere ...) ~Carole~

Author's Response: Ah ha! I made you feel sorry for Snape! How about that! That last stanza was different than the original, which was written (I think?) before the last book came out. I was going to leave it, but the word 'grin' in the original just jumped out at me as far too casual, so I finally came up with this ending, which I rather like. And yes, I probably should be in PA, but you know me and obligations. ;) Thanks for reading this, I really appreciate the review! ~Gina :)

I like the idea of this story. You don't have an excessively mournful George, which is great, and he comes over as caring towards the young girl and not totally irresponsible, which is also good because so many people seem to think the characters never grew up!

I liked Fred appearing, but it did beg the question why George continued to feel so sad about his death (festering wound) when he had the means to summon him at will. The other thing is that I'm really not sure Harry would have given him the Stone. That was dealt with rather too quickly, so maybe it would have been better if George discovered the existence of the Stone himself (maybe he overheard Ron and Harry talking) and went to search for it himself. Harry knows the danger of living with ghosts (Mirror of Erised) so I'm not convinced he'd have wanted George of all people to get hold of it.

I liked the banter you wrote for George. The conversation with Fred is so IC, and Neville came across beautifully. You write dialogue well.

The end of chapter two was a bit hard going. You've let loose a lot of backstory in the last three paragraphs which basically deal with the last eighteen years very quickly. It might have been better to sprinkle some of it in the earlier parts of the story, or else use some dialogue to show certain parts of the story (Roxanne could reminisce about the purple fireplace, perhaps. And maybe Harry could mention that Ron's doing well as an Auror but still misses the shop - not very good suggestions - LOL,just a few things to break up the information a touch.

This is an interesting story, so I hope you don't mind me leaving you this critique. Is the story going to be Next-Gen centric? Or are you going to base it more around George?

OH last thing! I loved the kids being named after battle heroes. I did something similar in a story, where I had a load of Next Gen kids being called Harry or Molly. Charlie's triplet names made me giggle Frediland - ha ha ha ha.

~Carole~

Author's Response: Thank you so much, Carole! To be honest, this is the only site where I've got proper critiques for this story. Yes, I was wondering about the Stone - would Harry really give it to George? Obviously, I figured he would. But the possibility of George overhearing him and Ron or Hermione talk about it is much, much more likely - I can't believe I didn't think of it! I was also *very* worried about the backstory bit. Thanks so much for critiquing that. This is my first fanfiction and I don't really know how to incorporate stuff like that into the story. I like the suggestion about Roxanne reminiscing. I suppose characters should reminisce like that from time to time (as George actually does end up doing). Thanks for what you said about the dialogue. That's the one thing I usually worry about, so I'm glad it was believable. To be honest, I have very few ideas about what to do with the story now. (Yeah, I know, not something the author should be saying.) So, I don't know whether it's going to be a NextGen fic or George-centric. I was initially planning on both - switching between Fred+Roxanne and George. So, feel free to give suggestions and ideas for the plot. They'll really help. Oh, and as for why George is still sad. Well, he still doesn't have Fred back, per se. Fred's just a spirit who appears from time to time - and I'd imagine George would learn not to call his brother back from the dead every minute of every day. But that's all just based on my interpretation of how the Stone works (and what those spirits really are). Again, thank you so much for your feedback! MN Fanfiction really has the best readers/reviewers :)

Awwww, it's lovely. Now then, if you squint a bit, ignore the title and your author's note, then it could well be Heron.

Natalie, this is gorgeous. You have such a talent for words and your poetry is sublime. Love this - a lot!

Author's Response: I squinted. It worked! lol

This was funny. The double entendre is a particularly British genre and you caught that very well. I was giggling along with your other readers. Backtracking, I did like Ginny's gift from George and Ron - very inventive.

Okay, here comes the crit. Neil, I really don't think Ginny would say those things in front of her brothers. Okay, she might say them once or twice to embarrass them, but there is no way they'd be comfortable with that type of conversation. Ron may have relaxed around Harry and Ginny, but he's not going to be happy with Ginny talking about her tits. Trust me, I have brothers. Your parents and your siblings never have sex - the children are born by immaculate conception. ; p

I did like the story and I'm very aware that I'm in the minority here, but I think it would have been better if it had been a quieter conversation - OR if all the Weasleys reacted in the way Percy does. Sorry, I'm very negative, aren't I? Feel free to ignore me or hex me to bits ~Carole~

Author's Response:
On the plus side, you liked the story and I made you giggle. Laughter is always good. It's especially good to know as I’ve never tried to write a funny story before.

I have brothers, but no sisters (or daughters), so I can’t argue with you from experience. Perhaps my friends and I are simply coarse (or naïve in the case of my missus - she is great for an unintended entendre, much to my male friends delight). This is only marginally worse than some conversations I’ve heard in front of brothers/friends/teenage kids. Perhaps it’s different in my part of the UK (I can’t use that as an excuse, however, as Harry and Ginny are southerners).

I actually physically moved Harry away from the brothers, but a private conversation seemed a little flat to me (and, also, I wanted to use Fleur’s comment). I will ytake another look at thin, but I'm not promising changes. I suspect that pastiche or AU story would make humour easier, as in those cases, characterisation is not an issue.

I may disagree with critics, but I never ignore them. Here are two quotes from Winston Churchill which I try to remember at all times. Good advice from a great (though flawed) man.

“Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfils the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.”

“Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”

-N-

AGHHHHH! I'm shocked. Why? Because I drink PG Tips as well.

Jess, this was macabre but very IC. I often wondered why the Carrows kept Filch on, but I guess they liked abusing him and he'd be useful to them. (Actually, I think Snape rather liked him ... go on, I dare you ...)

Liked this ~ Carole ~

Author's Response:

Filch, to me, has always been a man of few virtues. He just isn't a nice man at all, and you know he has to be bitter about whatever life choices led him to being, in essence, a school janitor and all around life failure. Add that to years of dealing with little bastards like the twins, and it's no wonder he gets his jollies by listening to them scream for mercy.

Pince might not have been so indifferent had the student in question not been a book snatcher, but as that wasn't the case... Well, she's not very nice. 

Thank Hannah for PG Tips. She suggested that or Tetley, and since I don't really like Tetley all that much, the decision was made. :D

I'm glad you liked it, despite its nastiness and not-very-niceness, hehe.

~Jess

I think you know my thoughts already.

Totally mindbogglingly brilliantly mad. I so loved reading this in SBBC and am pleased it's now up on the archives. I had this awful feeling that no one would get it and it would be rejected for ... oh I dunno something nonsensical, but yippeeeeeee, it's here. Okay my review is starting to sound like the fics stream on conscious, and I really have nothing much to say that could be construed as remotely constructive. (sorry, I'll never make SPEW)

I still want to know who Remus' 'proper girl' is... you promised to tell.

Everytime I read this I change my mind about who I liked best ... portrayal wise I mean. I think you did a fantastic job with all of them, and Peter weaving all the way through the fic was just masterful. I still like Remus best (I think) because we see two sides of him and people tend to class him as just 'the sensible one'.

Not much more to say except the end brings home the whole Marauder tragedy. James and Lily - died too soon. Sirius never really regained any happiness. Remus was more alone than he had ever been and Peter ... he lost everything and lived in fear for the rest of his life. Ah, whatever happened to Saturday Nights? *sob*

Amazing ~Carole~

Author's Response: I love you Carole! Thanks so much for the kind words. I was worried that it wouldn't be validated too. One of my goals when writing this was to definitely show different sides of the Mauraders. Since we don't know much about them, a lot of the time we have to use stereotypes. Um, I'm afraid that you're going to be disappointed with the "proper girl" bit. It's absolutely no one in particular. Actually, in my mind I think that I was even imagining a random Muggle girl (because this fic is very Muggle influenced). Sorry to disappoint! I only led you guys on about it because I wanted to see what you came up with. Sorry if it's a bit of a let down! *sheepish face*

Ohhh, interesting. Hmm, I suspect you'll get some fl;ak about the cousins kissing so let me just jump in here and say that I don;t have a problem with it, and it's hardly an issue in the Potterverse given the Black Family tree.

I like this story. I like Lucy as well. It's good that you have a Weasley that doesn;t feel she fits. Why would they all get on? That's unnatural. It's far more likely that there'd be a few that don;t quite fit into what they're expected.

Okay, small nit-pick. I don;t understand this exchange, “I…well, I only go to Hogsmeade when I have work.” “Work? In Hogsmeade?” “Yeah, like buy stuff.” I'm not sure what she's buying, if that's work, or if it's a typo.

Oh and YES YES YES to the PARTY house - so true, so true.

Lovely story, and I can't wait for more.

Author's Response: As we both discussed on AIM, that kiss didn't really happen. I really should get a beta for things like that. >.< In any case, you know I used to be uncomfortable with the idea of cousins getting together (perhaps because of where I grew up), but...I have thawed a bit towards this. More importantly, it was very important for the story, and for Lucy. She is almost in love with Albus - I say 'almost' because she would never fully accept she could love, even though she knew she was attracted to him for a lot of reason.

Oh, Mere, what a fantastic story. I love the raw emotions you deal with here. Sirius’ hurt and anger with his family and also his friends comes shining through.

I will start by saying that I’m not a fan of second person stories. I find they can be hectoring as they demand that the reader feels a certain way, so I’ll admit that my heart did sink a bit when I realised the ‘person’ you’d used. Having said that ... it does seem to work for this story. Partly because Sirius is a pretty self-absorbed character given to introspection, and also because it’s a reasonable lengthy fic. I doubt I could read a novel-length story in second person, although I could well be in the minority.

I think you dealt with the relationship between James and Sirius brilliantly. It was obvious they needed and wanted each other, but hazy as to how this would work long-term. Of course, in canon, we know it didn’t work long term – not least because James was chasing Lily and ended up marrying her. It does come across as two characters who aren’t necessarily gay, but do love/want each other. Did the distance between them necessitated by the Whomping Willow incident make their desire for each other far more intense? (Rhetorical question, I’m thinking aloud).

Even if James hasn’t said anything to you in weeks, even if he won’t for the rest of the summer,

I do have a timeline issue with the story; from Snape’s words and The Prince’s Tale we know that the Whomping Willow ‘prank’ took place before SWM. Lily is still talking to Snape after the WW incident because she talks about James ‘saving his life’. She was not on those terms with him after he called her a Mudblood. Now ... in the scene by the lake, it is clear that the Marauders are on good terms with each other. James, in particular, is very friendly with Sirius, so they must have forgiven him. I did, I have to say, have difficulty looking past that, but in the end, it barely detracted from the story because it was about far more than canon niceties. You could correct this, if you wanted to by having Sirius leave home at Easter.

I noticed a small typo.

Would it be so bad, anyway, if a care came right now? I believe you mean ‘car’.

And being a mean Brit-picker, I’d suggest changing ‘sidewalk’ to pavement.

I love the section where he’s first alone with James. It screams the awkwardness of teenage boys and the way they want to say things but can’t. The simple ‘thank you’ and ‘of course’ just speaks volumes about the discomfort they feel surrounding emotions. They are far more comfortable with actions rather than words – being Gryffindors and boys!

Mere, I know you were having some problems with certain points of the story, so please let me reassure you that this is a superbly written story. The emotions are powerful, the kiss is tantalisingly good, and I love the ambiguity of the relationship. For Sirius to not be able to admit he’s gay (and he might not be) was a masterstroke because it added a new layer to his personality and the relationship with James. I do wonder what on earth will happen next. Will they last? Or will they crash and burn?

Great story ~Carole~

Author's Response: Gah! You wound me when you say you aren't a fan of second person stories. I adore second person! It's definitely my favourite 'person' to use. I love how you can really explore emotions with it and yet there's this kind of detachment about it. And it's really challenging to write a story in second person that needs to be in second person, so I love the effort it takes too. :) Anyway, um, about the timeline issue--I didn't realise I was wrong. I don't have a copy of DH available to me and I didn't think about checking, so, yeah. I may change it so it is Easter. Thanks for that! And pointing out the typo and Brit-pick. :) Thank you for this lovely review though. I'm really glad that you liked it and you seriously made me blush when you said it was superbly written. <3Mere

It is long, but very powerful, I love the repitition of The day is the day and then tis night is the night. It takes on such a sinister turn and I was wondering if anything else had happened apart from 'Obliviate' (shudder) Hmm, what had she discovered about him? Was it the Basilisk? Or perhaps she realised he was using her? I feel strongly for Minerva here, denied love and her memories. She comes across in the books as someone sadly thwarted in love but also one that has few regrets. i think you showed her character very well here.

Great poem and well worth the read, Natalie. ~Carole~

Author's Response: Carole,