Aww ... cute! I thought the loosing of the ring would be quite a funny dilemma, but it was so serious, I actually felt sorry for the panicked Ron (even though I knew it'd be ok in the end). Ronald was quite in character (I think). Loved the final line - it made me laugh out loud. Good job!

Author's Response: Thanks. I rather like that final line as well. :)

Nice story. I think it was a bit repetitive - you seemed to keep re-visiting Tonks' worry, but overall it was good. I particularly liked this line:

"She caught a glimpse of the tips of her hair flashing every colour of the rainbow as her morphing abilities were carried along by the tidal wave of emotion that swept her."

I think that's a really beautiful idea, and it kept the idea of magic alive. Well done!

I enjoyed that chapter, and look forward to reading the rest. I like your take on Peter's characterisation, and it'll be nice to see how you develop that. I thought Remus' outburst was a bit OOC at first, but then I remembered how he tried to run out on Tonks, and I realised, maybe not. And I like the reason why James' stopped bullying Snape. I think it's a really nice idea.

“Your stupid stunt today has cost Gryffindor fifty house points and has probably lost us the House Cup. You had better think of some way to make up those points, otherwise Ravenclaw will win again, and that will not make me happy!” She looked at them briefly then waved her hand impatiently. “Go on! Get out of here.”

I never thought of McGonagall as the sort to be that competitive (except in Quidditch haha). In PS/SS she takes 150 points from the Trio, and shows nothing except her anger at them being out of bed. I think she'd be very much the same in this situation. Also, I don't think she'd use the word "stupid". Though "stunt" is a good way to describe it.

Well done! :)

Author's Response: OOOH My first review. Thank-you for the copmments. I take your point about McGonagall but I've always thought of her as competitive plus what angered her about this incident was that they were bullying Snape and that's not how Gryffindors should behave. I'm glad you liked this chapter- there's alot more to come! .

Great story, it was a different take on things. I liked the way you kept Rose's relationship with Scorpius quite mysterious - right through to the end. The tenses sounded a bit awkward at times, but that might be me, as I'm not too good with the present tense. You balanced the description and dialogue well, with good use of imagery. I especially liked the descriptions including Al.

It’s like when autumn’s leaves begin to drift off of the branches. No one seems to notice that they’re slowly falling – not until snow covers bare branches.
Not a serious mistake here, you just repeated 'branches'. It would sound better without the repetition, but I can't think of another word off the top of my head. Good imagery by the way.

I want to run back to my bed, and, if only for a few minutes, go back to being the fifteen year old who had to stay up all night finishing homework every night because of a blossoming romance.
Repetition of 'night' this time. I'm kind of nit-picky. :)

They drink in every last glimpse, hold onto every surface, every crevice, they touch
I like the imagery here. It's beautiful.

My mother groans cuts my father off, which causes him to wrinkle his brow and gaze at her.
This doesn't really make sense. Did you want an 'and' after 'groans' maybe?

“Okay, later, even though today is a day for moving forward, Ron. No need to linger on the past and tell the story again.” My dad mumbles something that I can’t make out, something Uncle Harry must hear, because he laughs out loud.
I'm not really sure who's saying this. It's obviously not Ron, so the bit about him should go in a second paragraph.

“I should prolly talk to him…” My voice drifts off.
I'm not sure whether you did this on purpose, but I would use 'probably' here.

They glide across every surface, rapidly darting back and forth, trying to capture it all. He wants to remember, to suck in all into his brain and hold it in.

The words envelope us both. The world stops turning and we are left, standing there, facing each other. Two people, just two out of billions, connected by the grandness of everything, by a feeling neither of us saw in the other.
I just love the imagery in both the above passages.

Well done! You've done a good job.

Ooops - reading it back I've rambled on about your imagery. Lol.

Author's Response: Thank you so much! This wasn't beta'd because I was trying to slide it in for the challenge, so your comments really helped! Sometimes I just miss little things. Thank you for your input! I'm glad you liked it!

*Waves*

Hello, dear. I was browsing through the Hufflepuff Review thread and decided to have a go. I don’t generally read professors stories as a rule as well, but yours sounded interesting (and it is)!

I like the start. It jumps in and sets the scene. But you say that she can see her dad downstairs, but where are Lily and Alex if they can see him? It would be nice to know her location, because without it the first paragraph doesn’t make the best sense.

In the distance I hear a laugh; a high pitched, cold, evil laugh, but mum and dad act like they don’t hear it. - *shudders* That description is so simple, but so strong and haunting. Like a sound from your deepest nightmare.

I didn’t want to see what happened, so I turned my head. - I’m not great with tenses, but I don’t think this sounds quite right. Shouldn’t it be I don’t want to see what’s happening, so I turn my head.

All I think is that I don’t want mummy to go, but the man says an incantation, and I see that blinding green light again. - That really isn’t that sad (seeing as I was expecting it) but tears have still filled my eyes.

In the dream at the beginning, how old are the twins? Alex seems to know kind of a lot, that’s all, and when Lily/James died in canon Harry was one year old.

“AH!” Alex screamed, snapping her head up and causing the five classmates or so around her to jump a foot out of their chairs, while the rest of the class looked up from their work.

“Yes, Miss Potter?”

Alex groaned, but just loud enough for Harry, her brother, and Ron, Harry’s best friend, to hear her. Oh great! Out of all the classes I could have fallen asleep in, I had to pick Potions.

I like that bit, but the first sentence is long - maybe consider changing the ‘five classmates or so’ to ‘few’, or something along those lines? And I thought she was saying the italicised bit aloud at first. It would be clearer in a new paragraph and with ‘Alex thought’ tacked on the end.

chillier then it should have been. - ‘than’ instead of ‘then’.

The only differences between her and her mum was the thin, lightning bolt scar on her forehead that she and her brother shared, and her eyes; where her mum had emerald, she had inherited her father’s. - sorry, hon, but it sounds like Alex and Harry literally share a forehead. And I like the comment on the eyes - it’s a cool concept that Harry should look like his dad but have Lily’s eyes, and Alex looks like Lily but has James’ eyes.

“So tell me Miss Potter, is there a reason you screamed during my class?” Snape inquired, glaring at her down his hook nose, making his way across the room.

“No s---”

“Or is it that you fell asleep in the middle of my class while you were supposed to be reading about the history of unicorn hair and the properties of which it contributes to potion making.”

By this time, Snape had already crossed the classroom from the Slytherin side to Alex’s desk, placed both of his pale hands on either side of her potions book, leaned down to get face to face with her, and had a smirk on his face.

Oh God - loving the Snape characterisation. Cutting across students, looking down his nose… fantastic! Though when someone speaks to somebody, you need to put a comma in front of the person they’re addressings name. That probably didn’t make much sense, but here it should be, So tell me, Miss Potter for example. Also, the repetition of ‘face’ is slightly distracting. Maybe you could change had a smirk on his face to wore a smirk. Or something like that, anyway. XD

What you really should be thinking about is how are you going to hand in the information you were required to obtain by the end of class, if the class is almost over, and you haven’t gotten a single sentence written on your parchment? - it’s almost like he changes question half way through here. You need to reorder ‘how are you’ to ‘how you are’.

Snape mentions McGonagall having a go at him for giving Alex detention. Unlikely, I think. She’s one of the stricter teachers for discipline, and Alex does deserve the detention. *dodges tomatoes*

By the time Snape finished giving her detention, half his next class was already in the dungeon classroom. - all Snape’s classes wait outside until he’s ready for them, I think. I always got that impression from the books, anyway. Please, disregard this nit-pick if I’m wrong. :]

A look of shock crossed Snape’s face when she said what the dream was about, but it so short that Alex mistook it as a trick of the light. - Did you miss a word out somewhere? After the comma, it doesn’t make sense.

One last thing: Alex wouldn’t think of her DADA professor by his first name. Stick to surnames :]

My favourite part of this chapter has to be the dream. Your prose in that part was so lovely - the description created a great atmosphere.

I’ve said it already, but what stood out to me most about this chapter has to be Snape. His characterisation is so great - you have him spot on! It’s little things about Snape, like the gasp when Alex mentions his dream, that make him so … Snape.

Great work xx

…

Eeek! The word count for this review is over nine hundred! [!!!] :P

Author's Response: BINE! *squeeze*

First off, thanks for the review. 900+ WORDS! WOWS!

Ok, what to start with first. I just went back and did a few changes at the spots that you pointed at. *squeezes again*

I'm not sure if you read the second chapter or not, but the reason why Alex calls Remus by his first name is basically explained in it. They became close friends.

Yes, Harry and Alex are both a year old in the dream, but the reason why Alex is able to remember the dream will be explained later, er, much later.

Snape is always a tricky person to write about, but this was fairly easy compare to what's to come. (side note. It's Severus' birthday today!)

Also, I'm quite fond of the dream myself. It was kind of fun to write.

Glad you enjoyed the chapter, and sorry for making you cry and frighten, even if it was just a little.

~Allie

Potions made her think of Snape It had shocked - you’ve missed out the full stop.

You know, Carole, I really love this story. I’m enjoying watching your interpretations of the characters blossom, and it is a nice idea that Remus and Tonks knew each other before OotP. And were attracted before then, too.

The part where Snape finds Tonks was very beautiful. Lily inspired her hair, and it reminded Sev of her. It’s quite sad in a way. In fact, I visualise Sev becoming quite a major part in this story, as I imagine Dora will want to know the story behind his reaction to her hair. And she has a question to answer, as I’m sure Snape will have linked Wolfsbane with Remus.

The kiss was unexpected, but I think it’s great that Lupin would feel that way so early on. In later years, he becomes a lot more closed up. Great work!

Great chapter, Carole - I loved it! And I have no nitpicks, apart from,

“It’s brilliant, Charlie. I’m so pleased for you. However, if your mum’s worried about Bludgers, what in the name of Helga Hufflepuffs best nightie is she going to say about dragons?” - isn’t it ‘Hufflepuff’s’ in this case? Loved this line by the way. Heehee, it’s a bit different to the usual ‘Merlin’s pants’.

Oh - and that Martha girl that Remus refers to, is she from the Lions of Gryffindor? I recognise the name…

Your Dumbledore characterisation was good, I really enjoyed that scene. I suppose he knows exactly what happened between Remus/Tonks via Legilimens, but Dumbledore isn’t the sort who likes expelling pupils, is he? Hmm…

The number of times he went on about that record. It annoyed the hell out of us, so having a Black beat a Potter would have had Sirius crowing for years.” - I forget that Tonks is a Black, but I suppose this makes her win even more significant for her, knowing this.

Such a small gesture but it sent a tingle down her spine. His fingers stopped and seemed to dwell on her cheekbone. She held her breath.

He blinked rapidly and removed his hand. “You have a bruise there, Tonks,” he said and quickly looked away. He stood up. “I should go,” he said.

That paragraph was fantastic. You could really feel the tension between the pair, and it made me hold my breath too. The way you described it (namely the second bit) was quite subtle, which was effective.

The interactions between Charlie and Dora have me smiling in every chapter, and I especially liked the conversation about houses and dragons in this one. It shows how well they know each other, but this line made me feel sorry for dear Charlie:

Charlie noticed that she seemed to be starting a lot of her sentences with the word Remus. Not Lupin now, he thought, yet I’m still Weasley. - poor guy. :(

And to round off, I hope Hufflepuff win the House Cup in your story, though I doubt they will… they deserve it though, all the same. ’Puffs are the hardest working, and they’re deserving. They just don’t get enough recognition in the books, which is another thing I like about your story.

Bye, now xx

Author's Response: Awww, Thank you. That's a lovely review. I'm so pleased you like my Dumbledore. I have a few problems with him. I hadn't envisaged him using Legilimens but I think he's a shrewd enough man to realise that there's somthing a bit dodgy about Tonks just happening to run into Remus in Hogsmeade.

Yes, it's the same Martha. She muscled in to this story too *sigh*. There may well be more of her in the future *hint hint*

Yep, poor Charlie. I don't know what to say about him, really. I get overcome with guilt when I think of him pining, but I'm sure it won't be forever. He may not get married but I'm sure he'll have some fun. *plot bunny*

I think the fact that I'm in Hufflepuff seems to have had rather an influence on this story *winks*.It must have been so annoying for them to be in last place all the time.

Thank you again (and I shall put that missing apostrophe in now.) Carole xxx

She thought about following him to tell him he was mistaken, that the Veritaserum must have made her lie but she know it hadn’t. - 'knew'.

Great chapter - you've left a bit of a cliffhanger, and I want to read on, but I have no time. I loved the twins characterisation, and Charlie's but it made me sad that Tonks would suspect Remus. I'm looking forward to seeing what you're going to do with this story :)

No, I think I just need to me alone for a while. - ‘to be’.

He kept sneaking a glance at his baby, as if not really believing that she was really - I think you meant ‘she was real’.

which they had been modelled - I didn’t really understand this. You need to make the meaning clearer.

better of with Harry than with him. - ‘off with Harry’.

they as good as dead - ‘were as good’.

I was wished to cast the final curse - you need to get rid of ‘was’.


This was, in my opinion, your strongest chapter yet. The last paragraph was very beautiful - I had images of the soil and tears. The last line It was finally over. made a powerful ending. It was final.

I have a nitpick though. When Harry and Ron go to visit Ackerly, you never mention the criminal’s name when they’re walking down. That confused me a bit, and it would be better if you slipped his name into the beginning of their discussion.

Talking of Ackerly, it was nice to know he got to go to Eleanor’s funeral. That was a nice touch.

Great job!

Author's Response: Thank you so much for all the reviews! They have been incredibly helpful. I'm glad you liked this chapter. It was so important to give this story a proper ending and I wasn't sure if I had really achieved it so it is good to know you thought it was effective. I have known the funeral would be the ending ever since I started writing and I really wanted to get it right. I had to let Ackerley go to Eleanor's funeral - everything was always so hard for him - I thought he should be allowed one last chance to say goodbye. Thank you for pointing out my mistakes - I have edited a few places, including putting Ackerley's name in to the conversation. Thanks again for the review - it's good to know there is someone who has read and enjoyed the story Hannah

We know you would never have put in her danger. - ‘her in.’

This is great. I almost cried when Harry told Ron, and then Ron told her parents. It must be so painful to have to say all that. And the killings are so brutal! I’m really intrigued to know the full story. Good work.