This one-shot is absolutely *beautiful*. Your way with words makes this piece seem almost rhythmic, in a poetic sense. In fact, this story almost did remind me of a poem, because it was so filled with emotion. I have never read a fic before that displayed that much feeling so deeply. Every emotion rang true; your expression of grief was heartbreakingly accurate. Reading through this story with your descriptive language and thorough emotions almost made me feel as though *I* was Harry. It made the entire piece feel all the more real.

I liked how it only took a few short paragraphs to morph the relationship of Harry and Hermione. Your characterization is brilliant...usually in Harmony fics one or more of the characters are really OOC. I loved that Harry and Hermione's grief and need for closeness brought them together--how their relationship *needed* to strengthen in order for them to not feel so empty.

Beautiful job on this, it is really a piece of art. :]

Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much for a lovely review! I really did want to write this as a sincere portrayal of what it would be like for Harry and Hermione to lose Ron. I felt as if they would retreat from the outside world into this very dark cocoon that only contained each other. I'm so glad that you thought I portrayed this well. I agree with you about a lot of Harry.Hermione fics seeming out of character. I really believe that the pairing can be written believably and keeping the two of them in character is possible. You just need to have them in the right situation and head-space. Again, thanks so much for the review. It's made my day :)

After reading the first few lines, I was amazed at how descriptive you were! Your imagery is beautiful; I can almost see the characters and the scenes as I read along. I think the way you describe Victoire's looks is outstanding (I love your use of the word "smattering").

Some things are a bit far-fetched, such as all their spells being so foolproof that no Death Eater could EVER get through. While many people are in the D.A, there are probably hundreds of people who have now joined the ranks of the Death Eaters now that Voldemort triumphed. Protective spells can't stop entire armies. And Neville seems to be able to travel out of the house perfectly fine to go get a newspaper. Also, Hermione supposedly gave her Time-Turner to McGonagall physically, and whilst at Hogwarts, so there isn't really a reason for Victoire to find the Time-Turner at the Weasleys' home. And how did Victoire manage to get her own wand, when England was being rampaged by Voldemort (plus, after twenty years, I doubt England is the only country he's influenced)? Perhaps if her wand was a hand-me-down, it would be more believable. I know this is an AU fic, though, so some inconsistencies are all right. Just try not to make them seem too convenient for the characters.

Fleur's accent, though you said her English had improved, was a bit over-done. Substituting the "th" for "z" and removing the "h" at the BEGINNING of words only would have been sufficient. I also find it odd that although Fleur says "Good night" to her son, he responds in French. It would flow better, I think, if they both responded in the same language.

It is sometimes hard to believe the characters are in hiding, apart from what they mention verbally. As I mentioned before, Victoire has her own wand, and Neville ventures out of the house just to get a newspaper (and it seems as though he does this a lot). Victoire seems greatly affected by the war, because she can't attend Hogwarts with Teddy, but why would that even be a priority for her? I'm sure she would have some resentment for that, but I believe she would be more focused on helping out the D.A, even if she isn't of age. In these types of situations, especially when Victoire has known no different, we'd expect the characters to be more focused on the outcome of their future than what could have been.

Good luck on your next chapter!

Author's Response: First of all ~ thanks SO much for your feedback, I really appreciate it. :) Yes, I reread it, and the newspaper thing seems to be kind of far-fetched to me, too. xD I think I put it in there so I could have Luna say that, lol. And, yupp, Fleur's speaking was probably the hardest part of the whole thing. I'm probably going to have to fix that. As for the wand -- I think it might make sense if they had a wandmaker in the D.A.? Hm, I'm not sure. I'm thinking about making it a hand-me-down, but, again, it's not quite set in stone. Victoire's resentment...I'm toying around with this, too. I think she's partly a stubborn teenager. She really feels confined where she is and wants to get out into the world. :) Again, thanks a lot! :)

That was a really interesting concept--and very creative, too. I automatically assumed that no one except Harry and Dumbledore had seen the mirror when it was at Hogwarts, and I like how you showed its effect on Severus as well. At first, it seemed as though you were leading up to Snape finding a portrait of Lily, but I'm very glad you went in the Erised direction.

I have just a few nitpicks, though. I think you maintained Severus's character very well throughout the piece, but the line "'It…hurts so much,' he cried. 'How do I live knowing that she is gone?'" seems a little out of character to me. Even when we view Snape's memories in The Prince's Tale, he is rarely that open with his feelings. I don't think he would reveal so much of what he is feeling to Dumbledore.
I like how you had Snape ask the same question to Dumbledore that Harry asked in book 1, but I can't see him using the same words as Harry. Snape calling Dumbledore "sir" in this passage, though he may have done it before, doesn't seem right to me. Maybe it's because when Harry asked the question, he was asking in a tentative tone, and Snape using the same words implies he was also slightly anxious. I can't imagine Snape being afraid of Dumbledore--not when they're on the same side.
That being said, I love how Dumbledore answers the question truthfully, and I love your wording with his reply. But instead of saying "the old man wiped the water from his face," I think the use of the word "tears" would make the sentence flow better. It's a little confusing if "water" is used, because it implies that his face is wet through some outside force, and not tears. It also makes it less dramatic and tragic, because having a "wet face" isn't nearly as theatric as having a "tear-stained face" You did use the word "tears" in the few sentences before describing Dumbledore, though, so I can understand why you didn't want to put the word twice.

The ending of your story was sweet, with Severus finding out that Lily *did* care about him all that time--even carried a picture of him in her pocket when she died. That part was a little unbelievable to me, though. Lily seems very angry in The Prince's Tale after Snape calls her a Mudblood. At the time of her death, she was in the Order and fighting the very evil that Snape stood for. I can't imagine she'd feel nostalgic and carry a childhood picture of him around. It would be more understandable if the picture was found in the attic, amongst a bunch of old albums. It might not have the same effect, but it makes it more realistic and leaves the mention of Lily more in character.

Overall, this fic was very sweet. I don't usually like Snape/Lily fics, but this one was very nicely written. You added just the right amounts of tragedy and hope, creating a beautiful story.

Author's Response: I really appreciate your feedback, and most of what your critiques were very helpful. What i was trying to do with the childhood picture was a little too complex for myself, I think; I wanted to show that Lily did not care to remember Snape past that point, and that she wanted to remember what he was instead of what he became. I probably could have phrased it better, but thank you for your review all the same.

I need to remind myself to nominate this for a humor QSQ next time those come around…

Wonderful job on this chapter! It totally made me laugh (even the fight between Hermione and Ron ^.^) .

xx Ariana

Author's Response: Aw, what a nice thing to say, Ariana! :) Perhaps I will remind you... hehe, just kidding. I'm glad you like it--thanks so much for the review!

Okay, this review keeps getting cut short, so let's see if I can make this work....
Becca, I LOVED this story! You chose the perfect Marauder moments that exemplify their friendship :). The ending is absolutely amazing, it made me smile (especially that last line, great job with that!). Originally, I thought this story was going to be a little more somber, ending with Peter's eventual betrayal, but I like the way you ended it better--with the Golden years of the Marauders instead of the darker times.

Absolutely amazing job, Becca!

xAriana

Author's Response: Oh, thank you so much, Ariana! I'm so glad you liked it =) Originally, I figured that it was maybe too long for one chapter and that it would just be too confusing or something like that, or aggravating to read. I'm really glad you think that I chose the perfect moments to write about! I couldn't really see myself writing about Peter's betrayal, at least in this particular story. It seemed like it would be better if it focused on the friendship as opposed to the end of the friendship, the Golden Years, as you called them. Thank you so, so much for reading and for the absolutely lovely review! Becca:D

Soraya,

I’m always in awe of writers who are able to write poetry that fits so neatly into the world of Harry Potter. I can’t write poetry as it is, but I do enjoy reading it and I can easily spot which ones ‘work’ for me and which ones don’t. Yours definitely worked. It was powerful, and embedded one of the most important messages Rowling has tried to portray over the course of seven books. Wonderful job with this!

Throughout the poem, I liked the repetition of the ‘remorse’ stanzas, which showed different definitions of the word and sort of led into what the next stanza would be about. My absolute favorite lines from the poem is from one of these stanzas: “to feel deep shame/In the actions one has done/To realise one is actually to blame/To see what one has become”. Your tone in these stanzas changed from when you narrated the ways each of the five men felt remorse. It felt more official, more stoic, and I thought it was a good style on your part. It helped to break up the stanzas, yet leave the reader guessing who the next one would be about.

It was intriguing how your first remorseful man was Mad-Eye Moody. He isn’t one that would jump to mind at first (I thought of Peter first to be honest, as I read the poem’s summary) but the way you’ve written it gives fresh insight to his death. The responsibility he feels and the failure he is condemned to face once he is killed strikes home, and is nicely written. It’s different than what most people would expect, but I think the way you’ve portrayed it will work positively in that it makes readers think about his last moments. We only know, after all, the grief that the Weasleys and other Order members felt when they realized one of their own had fallen. It makes perfect sense after reading your poem that Mad-Eye would experience some sort of guilt as he died when he was supposed to be a protector.

The only nit-pick I have over this is that some of the rhymes seem a little forced, such as “child” and “wild” (the latter word is not how I’m sure Remus would describe his fears for his child), or “shirt” and “dirt.” They were a bit jarring, but nothing more. Some were imperfect, like “treachery” and “cleverly”, or “that” and “sapped.” I think if all the rhymes were imperfect, it wouldn’t make such a striking impact, but because most of the other words fit neatly together the lack of rhythm between the two makes them stick out. These didn’t really take away from the poem, but I felt as though they disrupted the flow a little bit as I was reading (and enjoying!) the poem.

Finally, I loved how you ended with the one man who would not show remorse. Your isolation of Voldemort, putting him at the end, really made him contrast to the other characters and how in the end they were prepared to feel the pain. It makes his cowardice even more overt, but it also makes readers feel for the characters who did choose to show remorse in that it was probably very painful for them but they chose to go through with it anyway. Voldemort, on the other hand, ignored his last chance for salvation because he realized what it would do to him, and that he would have to come to grips with the fact that he had murdered so many innocent people.

I’m glad you were the Featured Author and that I got to read this because of it! You are a talented poet, and your work is really worth reading.

Xx Ariana

Author's Response: Hi Ariana! I'm glad you liked it. I'm actually not a massive fan of poetry either -- I can easily pick out which ones work for me as well. Mostly, that would be poems that rhyme. Wow, I'm really chuffed you liked the remorse stanzas. They were the easiest to write, so perhaps that's why. I have no idea where this poem sprung from. Honest. It just... popped out of nowhere, LOL.

I actually intended my first remorseful man to be Harry and not Moody, but now you come to mention it, why not? I suppose Moody is more than applicable for the verse, especially because I said "he died along with the owl". So I'm glad you liked that. And I thought it was fitting, given how Hermione was saying that stuff about survivor's guilt and everything.

I know some of the rhymes are forced. It was really difficult getting everything to rhyme, to be honest, so I'm more relieved than anything that you didn't pick out every single rhyme. You're right -- it interrupted the flow a bit. I'll bear that in mind next time and if I have some time on my hands after exams, I'll definitely edit it.

And I'm very happy you liked the last verse. I hate Voldemort for not wanting to feel that remorse and that pain, even though the damage he had caused by ripping his soul apart was worse. I'm really glad you came by to visit, Ariana. As you know, I love your work, and I'm honoured you would give one of your SPreviEW-Award-winning reviews to me. Thanks for the wonderful review!

~Soraya~

Hi,

Wow, I’m glad I clicked on this story. I thought the little snippets from different times in Andromeda’s life were done so well. I loved reading the story as her character evolved, though she was still recognizably a Black and the Andromeda from before. It was a really, really nice read and wonderful writing all around.

Your flawless characterization of Andromeda really stood out to me. I liked how she felt apart from the rest of the family, as middle children often do, and how she was neither ‘mother’s girl’ nor ‘father’s girl.’ I thought it was clever how you used her feeling of isolation to shape the person she was to become — one who could form her own opinions on things without being influenced by her mother or her father. I liked the parallel between how she wanted so desperately to be a Slytherin and fit in at the beginning, to the end where she wants nothing to do with her family anymore. I loved how you showed her growth, from an insecure girl at age eleven, to a confident woman in the end. Each age you showed her at was portrayed so accurately that as a reader I could really watch her grow. I thought this was perhaps one of the strongest points in the story. Your main character was characterized so fully, so three-dimensionally that it made her a joy to read about.

I thought your calling Narcissa ‘Mother’s girl’ and Bellatrix ‘Father’s girl’ really gave great insight to their characters. I thought they were wonderfully written, as well. You can tell Bellatrix’s fanaticism from the beginning, when she wants her sister to be absolutely perfect and be Sorted into Slytherin immediately. She’s intimidating, and has a power over people that is visible even at age fourteen. Narcissa is prim and perfect, perhaps not as fanatical as Bellatrix but upholding of her family’s beliefs all the same. I also thought it was interesting that, as the story progressed, you could tell that the girls were getting older and turning into the people they were to become by how their hair appeared. It was a really intriguing part of the story to add, and worked very well to show the coming-of-age of all the characters and what that entailed.

Just a minor nitpick: after Andromeda gets Sorted, she says “I think she just rude” , it probably should be “she’s just rude” or “she is just rude”. Just to let you know, but it didn’t take away from the rest of the story at all.

One part that I really, really loved was how when Andromeda met Ted for the first time in a long time, she could only think of him as a Mudblood, a dirty thing. I thought that was so realistic, because in so many stories we read Andromeda is simply born with the ideas that Muggleborns should be equal with half- and pure-blood witches and wizards. Your way is so much more intriguing, because it shows how her meeting Ted proved to her that her family’s ideals weren’t all correct. It was a good turning point in that it let Andromeda think for herself for once instead of being influenced by her family.

Your writing is lyrical and beautiful to read. I was hooked by the first sentence and how even though it was from the point of view of Andromeda at an early age, the simple writing was so gorgeous. You pulled off the present-tense usage wonderfully…I only realized it was actually present-tense about halfway through the story, and it amazed me because in many of the stories I’ve read it becomes awkward after a while. Yours definitely didn’t, in fact it added to the lovely natural rhythm that your words seem to have.

Really great job with this story! I don’t read much about Andromeda and the Black sisters, but I thought your story was so unique and wonderfully done.


Xx Ariana

Author's Response: What a sweet surprise to log on after so long and see such a nice review! I'm so glad that you clicked on the story, too! The most fun part about writing this, for me, was trying to explore Andromeda's voice at every point from a very little girl up to an (essentially) fully grown woman. I like Andromeda a lot because, unlike many of the other Potter characters, she seems (to me) to be an essentially ordinary person who has had to build up a lot of strength because of the life she was born into. She tries and fails and tries again and eventually realizes that maybe she has to kind of "forge her own path" - not because of any intrinsic rebellious feeling, but because it's really the only way. As you said, a lot of it is because of how she didn't really, as her sisters did, fit into either of the two pre-described roles that her family offered. It is so nice to hear that you thought the first person worked - I feel like I find it easier to do, even though I don't know that it always ends up making a better piece of writing. Anyways, thanks so much for reading and leaving such a kind review! It was a great motivator to get back to the writing which I've been meaning to do! -Claire

Oops, my last review got cut short (: Anyways, I was saying that I absolutely adore this story! I love what you've done with Victoire and Teddy (and I especially looove your Teddy ^.^) .

Thank you so, so much, this was an absolutely wonderful Christmas present!

xx Ariana

Wow, this story was so intriguing! I love how fast-paced it moved, especially during the rescue scene. The beginning was lovely, too -- the easy banter between the D.A. members made me smile. I love Seamus's idea to spray paint. Great job with that!

I think probably the sweetest part of this was the "romance" (for lack of a better word) between Ellie and Stewart. Your two OCs were wonderfully done, and their relationship made them seem all the more innocent and worth protecting.

I also like what you did with Nott, taking a very mysterious Slytherin and turning him into someone who is neither likable nor dislikable. I admire him for not telling the Carrows about Seamus's paint, but I like that you've also made him snide and sneering, not someone who appears to be easy to get along with.

I really enjoyed this story! Great job :)

xx Ariana

Hi there,

I thought you did a really good job with James, your OC. I liked how he wasn't the stereotypical loyal Hufflepuff, and stood apart from those who knew for certain they wanted to fight. His fears and thoughts were very human, and universally relatable.

I really enjoyed how you included memories from his past (though I still want to know more about Andrew…if he's living or dead…but that's just my being overly-curious). It was a great way to give background to a character you only had so many words to describe.

What I thought was best about this piece (besides your characterization of James) was that you were able to take a short, not-too-major scene from Deathly Hallows, and turn it into a fully developed one-shot. It did a great job of giving a fresh perspective to a scene we've only seen through Harry's somewhat-distracted perspective.

Really good job with this!

xx Ariana